take a peakey at leakey

Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church

the eternal quandary - which non-muslim to endorse?

Teeny-tiny little “non-denominational” (FUCKIN’ CHRISTIAN, BOY) Church in the Valley of Leakey, Texas, has a new sign up welcoming everyone but Barack Obama.

The sign reads, “Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim! The capitalist, not the communist!”

That marquee standing outside a non-denominational church has become the talk of the town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio.

The Church in the Valley is run by Pastor Ray Miller. Miller declined an interview but did say the sign was solely his idea. He said he changes the sign weekly and this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed.

The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself.

Yes, in that it says, quite loudly, “I do not want my tax exemption any more and am also a terrible dinner companion.”

Of course, you can simply add Pastor Miller to the growing flock (get it – religion pun!) of churches that are openly flouting IRS rules for religious nonprofits and endorsing political candidates. You see, it is clearly unconstitutional for the IRS to limit the freedom of speech in exchange for special tax treatment that is required nowhere in the Constitution, because of how America works.

For more on this, let’s check in with noted constitutional scholar/inexplicable Leakey tourist (state park and river nearby, dudes) Blake Fischer:

“I can see why there’s some controversy, because the separation of church, and maybe they shouldn’t get involved in it,” said tourist Blake Fischer. “But I don’t see no problem with them trying to send a message.”

Except for the double negative and the odd application of the principle of separation of church from something else, Fischer channels the very essence of Thomas Jefferson in responding to this sign. Presumably, he then had some legendarily freaky slave sex.

We Wonketeers wish the best to Miller and his church, who have had to suffer the trials and tribulations of constant threatened shutdowns for expressing their religious viewpoint, particularly in light of the Bible’s clear command to oppose both Islam and communism, despite both of those post-dating the Bible by centuries. It really is a book of untold knowledge!


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      1. Lascauxcaveman

        That's why these rinky-dink no-name little neighborhood churches get away with it. The IRS knows they haven't got a pot to piss in, much less any significant taxable assets.

        Same reason the rich MegaChurches are a lot more careful about how they toot their dog whistles. They do have something to lose, if they screw up.

        1. ttommyunger

          Actually, many of these old dying little churches sit atop quite valuable land which has been owned free and clear for decadesSent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        2. James Michael Curley

          Property son, its all in the property. Not to mention the good old days of the IRS where you showed up one day and found a Yale Series 800 affixed to a heavy chain wrapped around your door.

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    Communism and Muslimism is a Venn Diagram that doesn't intersect. This leaves Obama in an exclusive data set of 1 out of 7,000,000,000,000.

    1. bureaucrap

      you used trillion instead of billion, but point taken.

      I also supsect there's probably more than one communist muslim. For instance, I'll bet Fidel castro is a secret muslim.

      1. Loch_Nessosaur

        I was including all the ants in my yard.

        Also, Castro is a secret muslin. I read that on the internet.

          1. tessiee

            Castro's aide: But Presidente! America tried to kill you!
            Fidel Castro: Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco.
            Castro's aide: *whispers*
            Fidel Castro: It's full of WHAT?!!!
            — The Simpsons

    2. SorosBot

      So what if Islam is a religion and communism is an atheistic political philosophy, they're both Bad People and so they're the same!

    3. T3rbo

      You are so so wrong. Yassir Arafat was that intersection. And the part where the overlap was, on the diagram, was indeed terrifying. The only thing more terrifying? If Yassir was a black. Which Obama is. So, Obama is at least one hundred times more scary than Yassir Arafat.

        1. T3rbo

          Yes, Mohammed Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf Arafat al-Qudwa al-Husseini was more communist than muslim. Still, very very scary. And just like Obama.

    1. Terry

      You can call me Ray. You can call me Jay. You can call me Pastor Miller. But don't you ever call me a Mooslim.

  2. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Fortunately, all donations are made to the Leakey, Texas Church of the Cayman Islands Ministry.

    1. mmeetoilenoir

      Maybe there are lots of olds in that church? Bones might sound a bit creaky, and they can't recall the name of those torches…oh, tiki!

  3. Kid_Charlemagne

    Rev. Ray must have forgotten all about the "easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" stuff.

    1. Mittaplasia

      I consulted a Cardinal who said, "Go, St. Louis". As a red-state expat, I still love my red BIRDS…go Cards!

  4. Mumbletypeg

    Apart from its palpably xenophobic message, it's hard to know which particularly makes this sign so full of Win for the average Tea-bitten critter: the crummy alliterative repetition or the sexy ALLCAPS effect.

  5. johnnyzhivago

    I'm sure a sign on a black church saying "Vote for the Christian, not the Polygamist" would be just as acceptable in it's community.

    Of course the majority of asshats who saw it would PROBABLY say "oh, I knew Obama was a Muslim, but I didn't know he was a polygamist".

    1. Mittaplasia

      It gave me a sad to see how the churches in California convinced people that gay marriage was not a civil right but an abomination and told their people that voting in favor of it was wrong. There were many 8-10 year old kids with anti-gay propaganda signs on corners all over my neighborhood. Churches = lobbyists = Pay taxes!

  6. SavageDrummer

    I will be shocked, SHOCKED I tell you when the IRS does absolutely nothing about these churches flouting their tax exempt status, emboldening them to do even worse next time around…

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Hey Rat (since that's what I thought it said his name was on the marquee) Miller — guess who hasn't evolved opposable thumbs and is gonna start paying some taxes — you, motherfucker!

  8. SorosBot

    Wait, there are both a Muslim and a communist running for President? Who are they, I've somehow managed to never hear of them? And which capitalist should we vote for, since (including the Libertarian dude) there are at least three of them?

    1. HateMachine

      Yeah, I'd be down to hear more about this mysterious communist candidate.

      It's very interesting for me to hear at family gatherings (where I, my little bro, and a cousin or two are the token libruls) that I am a communist. This in spite of them all knowing full well that I'm working on my MBA at the moment.

      1. SorosBot

        Maybe they're referring to the Green Party candidate? Someone should tell them that, while she is a socialist, that's not the same thing as a communist.

        The Communist Party USA hasn't run a Presidential candidate since 1984, so maybe they stepped into a time warp?

      2. SorosBot

        Whoa I got a Your comment must be approved by the administrator, wonder what the offending phrase was.

      1. sewollef

        Well, I'm thinking that their tax exemption is actually tax from my pocket. So, no, their god didn't give 'em that right, I did.

    1. An_Outhouse

      Then Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's"

      Is your name Caesar?

      I didn't think so.

  9. BadKitty904

    The Scriptures tell us that Samson slew 1,000 Philistines with the jaw-bone of an ass. Looks like the same weapon is being used to smite this church's credibility.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, my parents live about 8 miles south of Leakey! I'm gonna forward this one to dad, post haste. He hates everyone out there!!!

      1. James Michael Curley

        The myth of peeing on an electric fence and getting a severe shock was tested by Mythbusters as Plausible. Suggest careful aiming so that no exposed circuitry is hit. Necessary lady parts do not have especially good handles to control the flow.

  11. Ducksworthy

    Meh. I want somebody to log Christianist radio's constant references to Jeebus hating on the Black Muslin president and loving tax cuts. I estimate that's about 8 per hour times 13,000 Christianist radio stations. I have not even thought about the thousands of Christianist Tee-Vee channels which intersperse their commercials for special healing holy soap and sacred hemorrhoid cream with "Jeebus hates the Black President" stories. Oh, and which are tax exempt, also.

  12. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Well that certainly beats the one in my town that reads 'VOTE FOR THE AMERICAN' (and this is in upstate NY). I take it as an Obama endorsement, since everyone knows Romoney is a half-blud messican.

  13. Isyaignert

    Oh FFS! I am getting on a plane in three hours to go to San Antonio, Texass on vacation there and other places in the belly of the Red Beast. I hope to gawd this isn't a huge mistake and that I don't end up in a bar room brawl with some fumducks over politics.

    My husband assures me it's a lovely place to visit and that the people are very nice. I hope he's right; at least it's 50 degrees warmer than where I am. Wish me luck. I miss you all already.

    1. Terry

      I used to go to a really good plate lunch restaurant right by the Riverwalk. Shiloh's, but not spelled that way. Shileogh's? Funky spelling, great food.

      San Antonio is a lovely city. You'll have a great time.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        As a local San Antonian, I would assure you that you will be safe if you stay in the Green Zone (Riverwalk area). If you get away from there, there's still nice stuff north on 281 on past the airport. Just stay out of bars where the newest cars in the parking lot were built in the 20th century and you should be ok.

  14. Pragmatist2

    Wow! The billboard could go on forever –
    "Back the Hack, not the Smack!"
    "Vote for jobs, not for slobs."

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Muslim or Mormon? Well, I must say that I have never had any Muslims banging on my door trying to sell me their particular brand of mythology.

    1. BadKitty904

      What amazes me most about this kind of nonsense is that, a year ago, these same folks were heartily condemning Mormanism as a Satanic cult.

      See, these people *CAN* be open-minded and tolerant, if properly motivated by hatred, bigotry, racism, etc.

  16. calliecallie

    Leakey, the county seat of Real County (for real) and the home of the Leakey Eagles. (I imagine THAT gets a little messy.) Population less than 400.

    That must be some God-forsaken wasteland there. Which you can tell by the church sign, also, too.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, it's quite beautiful out there in the Hill Country (google image search "Frio Canyon"). The Frio River is great for tubing, and there's an awesome state park (Garner). As stated elsewhere here, it's the fucking locals that fuck it all up.

  17. Blueb4sinrise

    ….this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed.
    Others include:

    Today, Tomorrow, and Forever

    1. BadKitty904

      They could try something really radical and out of the ordinary like, I dunno, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"…

  18. ttommyunger

    "Lo, though I walk through the Valley of Derp, I will fear no Derp; for I am the Derpiest Motherfucker in the Valley". – The Gospel according to fuckwads.

  19. Schmannnity

    This is my jerky, which was given to you for the remission of sin. and this is my Mountain Dew, gnaw, slurp.

    1. T3rbo

      What a beautiful sacrament. Don't forget the part where everyone spits tobacco juice on a late 18th century blackface ceramic figurine and scowls

  20. HateMachine

    I'm with Blake Fischer here on the need for a non-specific separation of the church. I just want it separate from me in general.

  21. Terry

    "… town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio."

    Who knew that Hell's own arsehole was only 90 miles from San Antonio. I'd have guessed it to be somewhere between San Angelo and Fort Stockton.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Hell's asshole is Houston, and the surrounding suburbs are where Satan forgot to wipe. What you're looking at there is Hell's taint. If you keep going west, it takes 12 hours to drive across Hell's Balls.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      My father and I have dubbed the Frio Canyon "Appalachia Southwest." Like so many beautiful places in the world, it is totally wasted on the disgusting natives.

  22. Beowoof

    You know I have read the Bible, and I am pretty sure these guys have never read any of the Gospels. Because Jesus was a liberal Jew, who didn't charge for healings and handed out free food and unlike Mormons drank wine. Hey never let the facts get in the way of the Bullshit you are selling to people to get them to vote against their own interests.

    1. T3rbo

      You obviously didn't read the golden tablets, son.

      "I make a record in the language of my father … the language of the Egyptians."

      "Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned." (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p. 266). Also, "The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy." (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, page 269).

      1. Beowoof

        Shit, I have enough trouble trying to live with one wife. Another one telling me what I did wrong would be way too redundant for me.

  23. Goonemeritus

    When did Christianity become a hate group, it didn’t seem to be one when I was totally unmolested altar boy.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I believe it was sometime around 1252 when Pope Innocent IV (snort!) officially sanctioned the use of torture during the Inquisition.

      1. MosesInvests

        Actually it was in 1096, when Pope Urban II told Christians to go to the Land of Israel to murder Muslims, and any Jews they found on the way.

  24. ShuCityRefugee

    That Ninth Commandment about "bearing false witness" doesn't apply to them, either, apparently, 'cause they're a church and therefore exempt.

    1. rickmaci

      Their version of the Commandments reads like the tax code, so full of amendments, exemptions and conditioning provisos that it makes absolutely no sense.

  25. FakaktaSouth

    The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself.

    Why yes, yes it does. It says "the pastor here is not only gleefully bigoted, he is a dumbfuck who will straight up lie about the Pres so that he feels even better about his racism and ignorance, and he does it through alliteration, because he thinks he sounds clever."

    1. James Michael Curley

      "Now Eisenhower, he’s a Russian spy
      Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy
      To my knowledge there’s just one man
      That’s really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell
      I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus"

  26. bureaucrap

    [snark off] They really should remove ALL tax exempt status for all religions, period. Then they can say whatever they darn well please and help to support the community as well (whether they want to or not). [snark on]

  27. OneYieldRegular

    It would be a shame if someone doesn't contact the Mormon Church to let them know that there's a church in Texas eagerly awaiting an army of Mormon missionaries to come down and help them get rid of their fake Christianity.

  28. WhatTheHeck

    I wonder how they feel living in a town named the same as the the famous Leakey whose life was dedicated to:

    “increasing scientific knowledge, education, and public understanding of human origins, evolution, behavior, and survival.”

    – Mission Statement of The Leakey Foundation

  29. Mittaplasia

    I've had it with Texas; time to secede. Remember their old tourism ad in the 1970's? "Texas – it's a whole 'nother country!"

    Taliban in cowboy hats. Sharia Law = Goober Law. It's easy to redo our flag, 49 stars, 7 rows of 7, it even sounds lucky. The perfect rows add a military flair that underlines our resolve to build the Great Wall now so Texas can be our second line of border defense (think of it like an " alligator moat") on the other side of the wall. Call it Texico if you like.

    PS: No dual citizenship, suckers!

    1. T3rbo

      That's how they get you. Next thing you know, you're shredding the constitution, what with your Obamacare and all…

      1. MissTaken

        Some people say that under Obamacare your Catholic employer will be required to pay for Muslin hummus. Read the bill!

        1. T3rbo

          Luckily for me, my employer has set me up with a budget where I spend all of the money I am paid on approved programs. We go to a witch doctor when we get sick, I have the big dollar Direct TV subscription where I get to watch the special evangelical telethons, and I donate $200 a week to Gary Johnton's campaign. Because I love freedom, that's why.

    1. tessiee

      "If Nacogdoches is full of roaches"

      This line originated with Groucho Marx; the fact that you're quoting it here means Marxist=commie=you.

  30. barto

    Meh, the IRS jack-booted thugs are too busy with the Obamacare takeover of health care, no time for small potatoes like this guy.

    1. T3rbo

      Yeah I contributed to this mess. And plagarized from this site when doing so. Am I sorry? No I am not.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      In Texas, Negroes pretty much stopped their westward migration when they reached the east side of San Antonio, and their place as majority minority has been taken over completely by Mexicans by the time you get to the westside.

  31. decentcitizen

    You mean a self-identified Christian in Texas is ill-informed or flat-out dishonest? Shocking!

  32. Biff

    I've always felt it strange that we allow churches tax-exempt status, but do they give their parishioners the same deal? No, they do not–you're still on the hook for your tithe.

    1. shelwood46

      No, part of being 501(c)3 is that those tithes and donations are tax-deductible for the parishioners. If they were 501(c)4, they'd still be tax-exempt (and legally able to make political speeches), but donations would not be tax deductible. Naturally, people are far more reluctant to 501(c)4 organizations.

  33. fatbob54

    wasn't there a Leakey fella who discovered the missing link that proved human evolution? Do these people realize they live in a valley named after him?

  34. boskolives

    The return of the greatest line of dialogue since "Rosebud":
    "The power of christ compels you!".
    Of course that was "The exorcist", and he was speaking to the devil, not the weather vane that's at the top of the Republican ticket.
    You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, just follow Robmee's thought train as it derails. http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com

  35. DahBoner

    They have a special version of the Bible in Leakey, TX where instead of kicking over the table of the Capitalistic money changers, Jesus instead enjoyed lobster, caviar, steak and a lovely $300 shekal bottle of wine, compliments of the Moneychangers all the while having to listen to their whining about the Poor Losers who can't afford such luxuries.


  36. GoatDidIt

    Vote like you Own it!!! Fire them all — the Board knows its Own!!! It's our very Way of Wii that's at stake!!!

    But I digress.

  37. barto

    He probably should have just posted "Vote for the White Guy, not the Black Guy" because I'm sure some of his flockers are still going to get it wrong.

  38. gunnergoz

    Is the IRS asleep at the switch? How come these dolts still have their church tax exempt status?

  39. HelmutNewton

    On a semi-serious note, I hope these stupid cracker churches keep doing shit like this. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have a long-overdue conversation about why these snake-oil salesmen have gotten a tax exemption for all these centuries…

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