Needz moar nounz

College Newspaper Frowns Upon Springsteenian Merry-Making, For Such Frivolity Is But A Pale Shadow Of Serious Politics

These R Srs Times & We R Srs Jrnlism!As the great writer Hanna Arendt once said, “Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible.” And so it is with great pleasure that we announce that the Iowa State Daily, which we are now officially adopting as Wonkette’s Pet College Newspaper, is indeed a keeper of its promises! Let us recap, shall we? At the end of their recent impassioned editorial about boorish knaves defacing the sidewalks of Academe with their impudent political messages, the young fogeys of The Iowa State Daily’s editorial board proclaimed that, in comparison to such flagrant sidewalk-defacery,

Showing off celebrities such as actor Justin Long and rock star Bruce Springsteen aren’t [sic] much better, but we can wait to comment on that until tomorrow.

Well! Today, which is yesterday’s “tomorrow,” of course, has crept in its petty pace (as the Bard of Avon would say), and did the Iowa State Daily fulfil its solemn vow? Why, yes! Yes it did! If only political candidates of this day and age could be as reliable in following up on the commitments they make to the body politic!

In a scathing attack on the shallowness and hypocrisy of American Politics of Today’s America, the paper scolds:

The latest word from the presidential campaign of President Barack Obama is that people should vote for him because he is supported by the likes of actor Justin Long and musician Bruce Springsteen.

The appearances of both celebrities — who, apart from their talent at pleasing your eyes and ears, are not noted for much aside from their support of Obama — are a typical example of puedo-events [sic] that excite people but deliver no substance. The subtle hope behind Springsteen’s concert last night is that, in addition to being entertained, those in attendance will consider voting for the same person he supports. Why else would Springsteen and his entourage fly to Ames, Iowa, to give a concert on a Thursday night?

“Not noted for much”? BOSS LIBEL!

Actually, we would endeavor to point out to the worthy tyros at the Iowa State Daily, in a spirit of friendly chiding or even raillery, that the explicit hope behind the Springsteen concert, or indeed any political rally, is to fire up people who already support a candidate and remind them that there is an election happening sometime in the next few weeks, in the hope that they will get off their Hot Pockets-widened butts, take a half hour off from updating their My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic DeviantArt page, and go vote. Also, is “puedo-events” a typo or a failed attempt at a multilingual pun on “Sí se puede”? Or pedos? (They were probably thinking of pudendae, since they are college students!) These are important questions which must be considered by We the People who are members of the voting public!

But let us continue:

Insofar, [sic] the expectations for them were that they would entertain us or give a stump speech based on their celebrity rather than taking the time to figure out what in particular students are worried about and talk honestly about them. Long and Springsteen materializing on campus are not political events.

Also, since they are not political events, we have to wonder at why, then, the Obama campaign would have brought them here.

Unless, of course, they wanted to obscure politics altogether and administer a distracting opiate. To the extent that Obama is using people whose names are widely known to tout his campaign, his campaign is not founded on himself. The campaign of any politician should rest on the candidate himself- or herself.

We, too, are shocked, SHOCKED! that a political campaign might employ base sensory pleasures to engage young voters’ attention! This is such a debasement of the art of rhetoric, which has fallen so far from the heady days of yore, when politics was a serious battle of ideas in the marketplace of ideas, not mere sloganeering or a lot of irrelevant hoopla, japes, or tomfoolery — or as the ancient Romans referred to it, “the bread and the circuses.” We, too, long for that wondrous golden age of the Lincoln-Douglas debates, when true statesmen bestrode the political stage. Campaign rhetoric: it was once an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.

To be effective, politics requires that judgments and decisions be the product of individual thought as we weigh evidence and arguments against one another. Listening to songs like “The Promised Land” and “Thunder Road” do not [sic] accomplish that.

Listening to music is not political activism! Also, we would like to point out that, pace our previous reference to a “light-saber,” we have some qualms with Mr. George Lucas: space is a vacuum, and therefore starships should not go “whoosh,” or fly like they’re in an atmosphere! What is WITH you people????

Let Springsteen and Long come to campus, but let us make sure that their presentations of entertainment, such as they exist, be labeled as such.

Do not be deceived, you strumpets and debased pillocks, insofar as you may take amusement from these wand’ring minstrels — if indeed “amusement” is even apropos of these “entertainers” with their electronically-amplified yowls of so-called “music” — you should not mistake their hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage for activism, or even engagement. That is serious stuff.

Let us not confuse them with politics. Public service requires independent action rather than adopting the views of others because the people who hold them are popular.

Jesus. Look, we were nerds in drama club and on the Flagstaff High School Weekly Eagle, but we eventually let go of butthurt over just staying home playing D & D on Prom Night. That’s what this is really about, isn’t it?

Also: Subject-verb agreement: You’re doing it wrong.

[Iowa State Daily]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • ph7

    Let Springsteen and Long come to campus, but let us make sure that their presentations of entertainment, such as they exist, be labeled as such.

    Problem solved. Needz a label.

  • Crank_Tango

    Someone needs to kick that asshole in their unused junk.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Reading Unicorn Pony!

  • CrunchyKnee

    I've been to Iowa, and why else would Bruce go there indeed?

    • kyeshinka

      Best interstate rest areas in the Midwest?

    • sullivanst

      For the zen that can be achieved after enduring mindnumbing monotony of their grid system, where the only diversion is to try to work out where the fuck you are after the road just changed from being 350th St to 15th St to 235th St in the space of two miles?

    • tessiee

      Because his alternative is New Jersey?

      • Negropolis

        Could be worse. He could have been born in Delaware.

        • Simple J Malarkey

          George Thorogood libel!

  • One_who_wanders

    The perfect example of writing that smells of the lamp. Someone should take their thesaurus away and maybe hand them a beer.

  • MissTaken

    All those spelling/grammar errors are going to make Twilight Sparkle pissed.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Do not make Twilight Sparkle angry. She will cut a bitch.

      • Doktor Zoom

        She will cut a bitch filly.

        • sullivanst

          She's French?

          • Negropolis

            She's from the City of Brotherly Love?

          • sullivanst

            Can you cut cream cheese?

          • Negropolis

            If the owner falls at Geno's, does it make a sound at Pat's?

            Existential questions are fun!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Where's Kevin Bacon when we need him.

    "Everybody cut footloose! Put on your dancing shoes…

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Anybody check the current Newsweek masthead for Iowa J-School grads?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      That would be Iowa STATE, puhleez. Iowa Writers' (note the proper punctuation) Workshop LIBEL.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        Right you are. Sorry. I know better – see below. My error (or lack of specificity) must be because I'm So Anxious about the election.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          You're forgiven. And you'll be happy to know that Iowa City, the Paris of the Midwest, is an Obama stronghold and in the vanguard of sochulized medicine.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    It is enough to induce one to wish for the opportunity, with all due respect to ye office of President, to swinge wildly, Tagglike even, at the current (alleged) holder of said office.

    • DCBloom

      You shur talk purty!

  • no_gravity

    The campaign of any politician should rest on the candidate himself- or herself.

    Or an empty chair, if available.

    • Doktor Zoom

      An empty chair itself.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        If Springsteen had only sung to an empty chair, they would have been fine with it.

        • MosesInvests

          "Please take your seats-otherwise, Clint Eastwood will start yelling at them."

    • pdiddycornchips

      They are fine with bosses telling everyone who to vote for but when The Boss does it…

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    idiotic but these are still Grassley's most coherent ramblings.

  • Radiotherapy

    Yes Puedo!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    J-schooler Ames, misses.

  • snowpointsecret

    In other news, Iowa man claims that, due to appearing in an Obama ad, John Glenn no longer did anything good for America.

    • prommie

      Hmm, you'd think he would be aware John Glenn served as a senator as a Democrat.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Do not be fooled by traveling minstrels, we must do as the fat pill popping blowhard commands over the AM radio.

  • dr_giraud

    "Balderdash to this falderal." Who knew that anyone under 50 read Peggy Noonan, let alone was inspired to "take after her," if you know what I mean.

    (I mean, make cough syrup cocktails to was down the xanax before firing up the Royal.)

    • IndianaKevin

      I clicked your thumbs-up thingy after reading only the first four words because 50 percent of them are just plain fun words. Then I read the rest and wanted to thumbs-up you again, but couldn't, so I tried to give you another one on a write-in basis.Unfortunately, I used a Sharpie, and now my laptop monitor is ruined.

  • Schmannnity

    But Lee Greenwood and Charlie Daniels are statesmen.

    • tessiee

      As are Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris, and whichever iteration of Hank Williams has the brain damage.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      yeah this is more evidence of the wierd and uncomfortable way wingnuts handle celebrities. On the one hand every celebrity is supposedly an idiotic, low information liberal who no one should listen to. Then they get one on their side, usually from the C list or D list and suddenly this person is the greatest font of information ever. What I always find humorous is how wingnuts will call celebrities dingbats and then elect as many right-wing douchecanoes who've acted as they can get onto the ballot. The funny part of it all is of course wingnut celebrities really ARE dingbats. Speaking of which, I called it…Kiss is for RMoney…I knew that air of sweet, sweet cash would entice them like it always has.

  • mille derps

    Springsteen is noted for other things besides being a singer/songwriter with a political conscience. One of them is being Chris Christie's man crush.

    • One_who_wanders

      A burden no one should have to bear.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        A burden no one could possibly bear

        • tessiee

          A bear no one could possibly bare.

          • C_R_Eature

            A Bare Bear no one could… possibly…. ulp…*BLURRRRGHH*

            sorry.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Another is the spelling and grammar he learned at St. Rose of Lima Elementary School.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Wait, now it's tomorrow? F-u-u-u-u-u-ck.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I thought today was yesterday. I am so confused.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Same as it ever was!

  • neiltheblaze

    Bruce Springsteen was a complete nobody until 2008. Everyone knows that.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Right. He had absolutely zero credibility prior to Obama's election when he sprang full-formed out of the head of Joe Biden

      • neiltheblaze

        You gotta give Bruce credit – touring and making records for 35 years before finally making it. It sure was nice of his label to be so understanding.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Shitty mag, but I like their advice column– "Ask Achey-Buttcheeks"

  • Schmannnity

    This Springsteen editorial ghostwritten for you by a still-stung Chris Christie.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Nahh…if Christie ghost wrote it his voice would be obvious. Every simile and metaphor would consist of a reference to consuming food. Also, somewhere in the middle he'd rant, "oh I'm a hardcase am I? Let me to you sonny Jim I ate a baby! Oh yeah, baby the other other white meat, baby it's whats for dinner!" and so forth. The words would all be smeared from copious amounts of sweat, grease and slobber from him not being able to restrain himself. Point is, Chris Christie really is Fat Bastard.

  • coolhandnuke

    This college op-ed writer is still pissed at Springsteen for naming his album "Nebraska" and slighting Iowa. But he forgot that the Boss paid homage to Iowa with "Radio Nowhere."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I don't know about that; the kid that wrote that was still swimming around in his father's balls when that album came out, I doubt he even knows of it's existence.

      • coolhandnuke

        Maybe he was retroactively pissed.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Bruce Springsteen / Tagg Romney Death Cage match. Now.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      All proceeds go to the winner's charity.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        And it sure as hell won't be the Imaginary Gold Tablets Fund.

        In fact, there wouldn't be much in the way of net proceeds after paying for Tagg's ICU stay.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Another fire truck for Asbury Park.Yes, we can!

          • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            All you want is…

            EVERYTHING!

  • Cicada

    Lord Frumpington Swaddlebritches III does not approve of your japery at the expense of his serious editorial piece. Good day to you, sir.

    I said GOOD DAY.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Upfisted for 'japery'!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Earl Pindick Whinypants finds this all very distasteful.

      • tessiee

        Strongly worded letter to follow.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Where's Kevin Bacon when we need him?

    • Negropolis

      Hell, or Patrick Swayze, for that matter. Someone needs to teach these fuckers how to dance.

      Too soon?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Long and Springsteen materializing on campus are not political events.

    Really? Maybe this jackass should go over to backstreets.com and read the speech that Bruce gave.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      By contrast, Cat Scratch Nugent's rants fall somewhere between the Federalist Papers and Letter from a Birmingham Jail.

    • sullivanst

      That was really good advice, I'm glad I took it, even if "this jackass" is extremely unlikely to.

  • memzilla

    Unless, of course, [Obama's campaign] wanted to obscure politics altogether and administer a distracting opiate.

    I went to college in Iowa, and lemme tell ya, people will drive 300 miles to Chicago or Kansas City or Minneapolis for a "distracting opiate."

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      On Mount Oread our motto was "Opium – the Opiate of the Masses."

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Tucker Carlson didn't graduate yet?

  • MissTaken

    Insofar, the insight, such as this piece exemplifies, bestowed upon them the 2010-2011 ACP Online Pacemaker Award.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      As ancient as the "you cool kids get off my lawn!" bitter sentiment is, it would not surprise me at all if this kid wasn't equipped with a pacemaker. Or he could just have type II diabetes from being a disgusting fat ass like most wingnuts are. Either way this column is a sad bit of humbuggery practically screaming "I have never been laid!", no wonder this kid likes that emotionless greed machine RMoney 2.7.

  • SexySmurf

    And here I was under the impression that if I supported Obama like Justin Long, I too, would get to bone Drew Barrymore.

    • Negropolis

      Which also has the added benefit of not being Justin Long, because, really, how horrible must it be to be him?

    • Gorillionaire

      Nah, all you need is a bottle of Grey Goose.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Eh, It still wouldn't make up for the daily reminder that you are in fact Justin Long.

  • Goonemeritus

    I take all my direction from Bruce, I even have his voice loaded on my GPS.

    • tessiee

      This is all kinds of awesome.
      I would purposely get lost just to hear Bruce's voice say, "Weh da fuck are we?"

      • Goonemeritus

        Yes but regardless of destination it seems I always find myself on the Pulaski Skyway.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Methinks there is a budding Paulette Ryan afoot in that puedo-newsroom.

  • prommie

    Hey Dok, you seen that youtube of The Castille's doing Cohen's Suzanne? Bruce should cover some Cohen, is what I am saying, it was awesome.

  • Doktor Zoom

    This was frightfully easy to write.

    In other news, I've been doing online scoring for the essay portion of the SAT all week. Better get back to that. I sure hope it's not affecting me, indeed.

    • proudgrampa

      "I've been doing online scoring for the essay portion of the SAT all week"

      You poor thing, you.

      I sincerely hope you will survive.

    • savethispatient

      You missed one thing from the article though: the link to your My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic DeviantArt page. I'm sure not just Bronies and Pegasisters, but everypony would want to see that!

      • Doktor Zoom

        (True confession: I have never actually watched MLP:FIM. Keep it under your hat, OK?

        PS: I guess that makes me a puedo-Brony)

        • savethispatient

          Your secret is safe with me, I've only ever watched it with my 3 year old nephew, so I'm only a puedo-Brony too.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Better than a paedo-Brony. (Then again, he IS a child…)

    • bikerlaureate

      Forsooth.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "online scoring for the essay portion of the SAT"

      I thought they had software for that.

      • sullivanst

        It's ready to go, as soon as they can work out a way to have people write essays by filling in the circles darkly and completely with a #2 pencil.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You'd be surprised to see what's possible.

          • sullivanst

            Heh. Next thing you know they'll be writing software to judge a Turing contest.

            Couple of key paragraphs, though:

            We are talking here about providing a very rough kind of measurement, the assignment of a single summary score on, say, a seventh grader’s essay, not commentary on the use of metaphor in a college senior’s creative writing seminar.

            Teachers would still judge the content of the essays. That’s crucial, because it’s been shown that students can game software by feeding in essays filled with factual nonsense that a human would notice instantly but software could not.

            Sounds very much like the state of the software is not yet ready to replace humans entirely at any level, and certainly not yet ready to grade SAT essays by itself. To address the deficiencies inherent in such software, you'd definitely need "big data" – a contextual map of human knowledge – and that'd almost certainly eliminate the cost advantages over paying people (more phantom "government jobs")

  • MissTaken

    Long and Springsteen materializing on campus are not political events.

    He's right. People materializing on campus are science events. I want to know how a celebrity is materialized? Are they beamed in? Is it quantum entanglement at work? I wanna know!

    • proudgrampa

      Perhaps a spacetime fluctuation? Can't imagine any celebrity going to Iowa on his or her own intitiative.

      • HistoriCat

        I know I'm late to the party on this one but wasn't Captain Kirk from Iowa?

    • SorosBot

      It was quantum tunneling, or maybe an Einstein-Rosen bridge!

      • sullivanst

        Podolsky libel!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Hmm well to take that one out for a spin maybe it's string theory or some other derivative? According to the mouthbreathing sections of America Barry has a time machine (ya know to explain the birf certificate and deleting his ghey marraige license) so maybe he let Springstein borrow it to shoot forward in time and he owed Justin Long a favor?

  • Goonemeritus

    Didn’t Romney just point out that there is nothing wrong with Bosses giving political advice?

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Win.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      True…advice as to how an employees vote benefits or hurts the company (and hence his or her career). This is just more evidence of what a fuck face Romney really is…you should hold someone's job over their heads to make sure they vote RMoney so the boss can get yet another unearned, uneeded (and deficit exploding because those numbers will NEVER add up) giant tax cut? I can't wait until this fat headed Koloblander is sent back to whatever state from whence it came. The Obama's should be running with that audio in several ads, each one more cutting than the previous.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hey Mitt, THE BOSS likes to fire people … and he wants a word with you.

  • mavenmaven

    On the other hand, having Ted Nugent perform for the GOP is doing God's own work.

    • RomneysLogCabin

      Dammit! I was trying to craft a Ted Nugent reply until Ctrl + F spit in my face.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        God, badly wanting to punish GOP voters by subjecting them to loud crappy music, approves this message.

        • sullivanst

          A rare moment of convergence where you and she can agree – you for the torture, she for the choice of victim.

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    SHOCKING! Justin Long is a celebrity now?

    This should invigorate the Young Republicans on Campus to have another affirmative action cookie sale.

    Invite Clint and his chair as their celebrities and see how 'em liberals on campus like 'em apples.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      JON HODGMAN-PC LIBEL!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Public service requires independent action rather than adopting the views of others because the people who hold them are popular.

    Independent action, GOP-style.
    ~

  • elviouslyqueer
  • calliecallie

    Yeah, he's definitely not getting any. Wanna bet he tries to get a personal interview with Justin Long?

    Wonder how he feels about Lindsay Lohan and that Clueless girl supporting Rmoney? But I guess they're not coming to Iowa.

    "Si, se puede." Doc, you do us all proud.

    • bikerlaureate

      that Clueless girl

      Lacks specificity.

    • sullivanst

      Wonder how he feels about Lindsay Lohan and that Clueless girl supporting Rmoney?

      He'll work it out once he's done fapping over Jenna Jameson's endorsement of Mittens, so never.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Yeah old Bruce, he's always been the Paris Hilton of rock and roll, just not really singing about much, just famous for being famous and all.

    WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? How is it possible that they are capable of saying such asinine things at such a young dumbass age? It usually takes YEARS of fuckitude and nonsensity to reach these heights of ignorance. I just want to say, OH YEAH? WELL YOU'RE DUMB. It's rock and roll, man, and so much more than that, you just don't understand. I don't vote for Obama cause Bruce says to, but I would like Bruce a lot less if he liked Romney, because then he would be Pat Boone. Nevermind, just, you're dumb, kid. DUUUUMB.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Oh, there's always this little band of smarmy young Repugs at every college. You'll know them by their bow ties, side parts, and inability to get a date.

    • prommie

      Sorry we got held up and I didn't get you to the Pony. Next time though, I promise.

    • MosesInvests

      Ah, you should have seen the letters to the editor of the college paper at Columbia University when I was there-you could always tell the freshmen. They were the ones quoting Plato and Aristotle, just after hearing about them for the first time in their intro Classics course. Pretension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

      • cousinitt

        But isn't Congresszombie Ryan too old to be a freshman?

    • pdiddycornchips

      The Boss–"Promised Land"

      "I've done my best to live the right way
      I get up every morning and go to work each day
      But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
      Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
      Explode and tear this town apart
      Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
      Find somebody itching for something to start

      The dogs on main street howl,
      'cause they understand,
      If I could take one moment into my hands
      Mister, I ain't a boy, no, I'm a man,
      And I believe in a promised land. "

    • tessiee

      OK, I certainly said and did my fair share (and then some) of complete jackass things when I was 19 or so…
      But whatever else you can say, I was at least a jackass in an age-appropriate way, not an oppressor-identified Young Republican fartbag like this little suck-up.

    • FeloniousMonk

      There's a long, inglorious history of young firebrands turning into old fogeys. (Wordsworth springs to my mind, but I'm sure there are older examples.) Are there any recorded examples of young fogeys morphing into cane-wielding anarchist oldies? These people are starting out so early as dumbshits, surely they're going to want to change before they get old? Or die (of a surfeit of votes), that'd work too. Doesn't wisdom come with age? (Um, no. Personal experience.)

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Eh…calm down Fakakta, this kid is a complete moronic outlier. My guess is his major is either economics (where most young Republicans flock) or business (the other place). Really this column is just bitterness over choosing to be a Republican in his early 20's that causes him to miss out on all the fun. As anyone who knows one can tell you, young Republicans on most campuses are just bitter, racist mysoginistic assholes (think Jimmy O'Keefe) who drown their sorrows out with copious amounts of alcohol and sprinkle date rape drugs in the drink of any girls who's dumb enough to speak to them.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Awesome rant.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    To the extent that Obama is using people whose names are widely known to tout his campaign, his campaign is not founded on himself.

    Really — why should Obama use people whose names tout his campaign rather than, say, using the people themselves to tout Obama? Why should the pronouns and the symbols have all the fun? Apparently the editors of this paper are entirely out of synecdoche with reality.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    are a typical example of puedo-events

    When I have puedo events, she usually comes as well

  • prommie

    I am waiting to see if the Fat Fuck is gonna weigh in on this, Bruce being his fucking hero and all. Prepare to puke, its better than ipecac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX_wXoAYrng

    • FakaktaSouth

      Fuck Chris Christie's fat poseur ass. No wait, just, I hate him and that he thinks he is in the tribe? How's that? That's better than fat-ass-fucking, yes?

      OH AND FUCK THAT 3 seconds I just heard there whooooah. no. just, no.

      • prommie

        Oh there is an even worse video out there I could not find, at some fucking campaign event, I think it was election night after he won, he gets on stage and sings Born to Run, all the fucking way through, what a motherfucking fucking load of shit that man is. Forget about him being the giant douchefuck that he is if you grab a mike and sing fucking ANY fucking song all the way through at your own party, YOU ARE A FUCKING TOOL. A giant poseur (nice) fucking giant-ass fanboy bitch of a fucking tool and a half asshole. Fucking fat fuck is a giant lame asshole tool of a fat fuck.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      The fat fuck always weighs in, doesn't he?

      A LOT.
      ~

    • Doktor Zoom

      "the Fat Fuck"…

      Wouldn't it just be awesome if, when Christie's up for re-election, his Dem opponent could get Susie Essman to do a commercial? She wouldn't even have to say anything…

  • coolhandnuke

    Don't blame me, I voted for Willie Ames/Scott Baio.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    The subtle hope behind Springsteen’s concert last night is that, in addition to being entertained, those in attendance will consider voting for the same person he supports. Why else would Springsteen and his entourage fly to Ames, Iowa, to give a concert on a Thursday night?

    Yea, Bruce never appears in small towns and at out of the way venues for shits and giggles….

  • SnarkOff

    ¡Sí, se puedo!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yo tengo un dolor de cabeza

    • bikerlaureate

      Me gusta el pudín.

  • barto

    Now, if they could only book the Nuge, crappy pants and all, that would be your pedo-event!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    My Little Dildo-Mare?! That's fucked up!

  • Chichikovovich

    " “tomorrow,” of course, has crept in its petty pace (as the Bard of Avon would say)"

    So you're saying that this is a newspaper edited by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He re-read it too, so it's twice-told

    • Doktor Zoom

      Lighting fools the way to dusty résumés.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Sorta like a bad burrito?

    • dial_m

      And, again, "College!"

  • BlueStateLibel

    Wordy, long-winded, ineffective op-ed is wordy, long-winded and ineffective.

    • dial_m

      College!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    I would agree with you Dok — Insofar.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm kinda surprised they didn't break out with an inasmuch or a so forth and so on.

      • sullivanst

        O ho!

      • Simple J Malarkey

        et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

        • sullivanst

          ad nauseam

  • One_who_wanders

    Someone has George Will envy (they aren't smart enough to envy Buckley).

    And I notice that Seth McFarland of TV's Family Guy is also coming to campus to stump for Obama – I can't believe they didn't mention him.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    May I simply add as an open question to the editor who wrote this:

    "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT????"¹

    ¹ I'm Samuel L Jackson, and I approve this message

    • prommie

      there's motherfucking sophomoric pomposity in this motherfucking student paper.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        There is no right-wing nutbag post on Wonket that couldn't be handled by Samuel L

        • BaldarTFlagass

          He would certainly wake them the fuck up.

        • Gleem McShineys

          Say "puedo" again. Say "puedo" again. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    This sort of reminds me of my teenaged daughter. Having read some of her Hunger Games fan fiction, I don't hesitate to declare it "pretty good, actually."

    Then I read some stuff she wrote for her high school newspaper, and just it looks like the kind of writing you read in a high school newspaper.

  • noodlesalad

    Don't forget the old writer's rule – Don't use 100 words for what will get you nut-punched with 20.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Ahoy mateys, it needz moar Capt. Crunch for real cereal journalizm.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    strumpets and debased pillocks

    I'm so naming my Renaissance luthier revivalist band this.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Will no-one think of the slatterns and lummoxen?!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He's on drums. Slatterns O'Lummoxen

  • Callyson

    Pompous college brat says what now?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Sí, se puedo" . I guess Iowa is probably not especially well-known for their Spanish language program.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Twice in one day, Dok? Are you just trying to rile up some college girls so they drop by the comments?

    • prommie

      Twice in a day, its like being a kid again.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    We, too, are shocked, SHOCKED! that a political campaign might employ base sensory pleasures to engage young voters’ attention!

    What, ho! Shall we no longer employ hookers at our conventions? Or beer at our polling places? Is there no room for lapel buttons or stickers-on-bumpers?

  • rickmaci

    This editorial is brought to you by the words Hank Williams Junior. LMAO.

  • Trinket

    Crikey, someone's got a stick of epic proportions up his ass. Or her ass. Or whatever.

    Also, I'm glad I don't go to that school.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, it's Iowa. They have Slipknot! Aren't they the guys with the Cookie Monster vocals?

    • tessiee

      "Cookie Monster vocals"

      Whoever made up that description wins a pasta salad.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That article makes me [sic].

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey-yo!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Impuedent strumpets~

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, Obama is supported by Justin Long and John Hodgeman? Who says he can't bring this country together.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Your move, Ted Nugent.

  • PinkoPopulist

    "The appearances of both celebrities — who, apart from their talent at pleasing your eyes and ears, are not noted for much aside from their support of Obama…"

    SERIOUSLY?!?!?! That's like saying "aside from her stunning good looks, Kate Upton is not known for much as from her relationship with Justin Verlander." BRUCE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST AMERICAN SINGER/SONGWRITER OF MULTIPLE GENERATIONS!!! And you're just going to write him off that entire part of the equation?!?! Also, anyone who has ever been to a Bruce concert knows you get at least 1 great soliloquy on the working man or politics or about Americans taking care of their own. He also does tremendous charity work for poor Americans…that alone lends credence to his political opinions. I'm booking the next flight to Ames, Iowa and punching the editor of this student rag right in the mouth.

    On second thought, why the fuck would I want to go to Iowa…

    Also, fuck Justin Long, what a tool.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Wow, I can't wait until Rmoney visits with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock in tow.

    • prommie

      What about that Walker, Texas Asshole (redundant!) guy?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I think that kwalifies as kulture.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Off-topic, but WOW wow wow! Who WOULDN'T choose D&D over some stupid dance party?

  • sullivanst

    Forsooth, these writers strive valiantly to impress upon the gentlefolk consuming the fruits of their labors the semblance of great wisdom with florid prose, but alas the effort is vainglorious, for their skill is inadequate to meet the task.

  • BlueStateLibel

    He's right. Music and songs have never been used to advance political, social or military agendas. Put a lid on it, Boss.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, how dare they treat this as anything but light entertainment; I mean there's nothing political about such songs as "Born in the USA" or "American Skin (41 Shots)".

    • BerkeleyBear

      Or "The Rising" or "We Take Care of Our Own" or, well just about everything Bruce has ever written

  • sullivanst

    Listening to music is not political activism!

    Yes, that people think this goes some way to explaining why Paul Ryan thought it might not be a truly terrible idea to tell an editorial board (or whoever it was) that one of his favorite bands is Rage Against The Machine.

    Makes me wonder also, whether Bruce played Death To My Hometown last night, or any other of his more obviously political songs.

    • prommie

      Did you see the response to Ryan from my own personal god, Tom Morello? I only await his word, to come out, and come out swinging, fakakta will be driving the bitching camaro of justice, we'll be like Che and Fidel if they were Bonnie and Clyde!

      • sullivanst

        Yeah, if Ryan had a heart he'd have felt like it'd been torn out when Tom pointed out Paul was "the embodiment of the machine our music rages against", so it's just as well for him that he doesn't.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I had the great honor to be in the audience the first time Bruce invited Tom to sit in with the E Street Band. I still haven't gotten over it and I've seen four more performances since then.

        • prommie

          Its as good as when the Dropkick Murphy's got Bruce to join them! Bruce should only play with the Dropkicks, and sing Leonard Cohen songs.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bruce speaks for the Republican party in the lyrics of Born in the USA. Well, not the lyrics. In the chorus, anyway.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Yes, so many Republicans are cool rockin daddies.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Further proof that there is not enough pot on college campuses.

    • kyeshinka

      Not at that one. Shots of Everclear chased by watery Keystone while fucking a Holstein is more their style.

  • Doktor Zoom

    OK, I've done my part: posted a couple of links at their Facebook page.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Let the hijinks commence! Forthwith!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      "We loved your editorial!" Bwahaha.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Methinks the editor doth project too much.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_
  • kyeshinka

    Keep in mind, Ames is the most diverse and progressive town in Iowa's fourth congressional district, meaning there's at least two Chinese takeouts and a spinning class somewhere.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Just remember, this person is in a constant state of hurt because the only place they could get in was Iowa State. Iowa has an awesome creative writing program and there are good journalism schools throughout the midwest, but almost none of them are at schools with the word "state" in them. I knew people who went to ISU, and trust me – it wasn't because they had a lot of choices. Being the top writer at ISU's school paper is like being the third tallest midget in the circus – even your minor distinction is mediocre.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      You can rise above whatever's in the name of your college. But not this guy/gal.

    • shelwood46

      This kid is kicking himself because he couldn't get into The King's College. And now, with President D'Souza gone, his hopes for a transfer are down the tubes.

  • proudgrampa

    Now, if any of you Wonketteers are from Iowa, don't take this personally:

    This just confirms my suspicion about people from Iowa: pseudo-intellectual, dull, and not a lot of fun.

    • kyeshinka

      We Iowa Wonketteers keep to ourselves and try not to mingle with the locals too much. Too bad we have to drive behind them.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      I'm from Iowa. No offense taken. There are assholes everywhere. Ames is actually a pretty nice town.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Dok could always hop in Vlad and scream down the boulevard.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    You say puedo,
    I say potato
    You say it's slinging,
    I say it's singing…
    I-O-Way, I-O-Way
    Out where the bullshit grows.

    Petition: Tear down Ames and build slums.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      And don't forget to arm the homeless.

      • sullivanst

        I don't think Tom Morello will be campaigning for Obama, despite his loathing of Ryan, what with him having recently called him a war criminal.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          It was just a joke, I'm aware of Morello's issues with Obama.

  • kyeshinka

    New Iowa State-inspired lyrics for the country's dippiest state song:

    Oh we're from I-o-wa, I-o-wa!
    Romney is my man, got me creamin' in my hand,
    Oh we're from I-o-wa, I-o-wa,
    Land where the dumb fucks grow!

  • Barrelhse

    Anal retentive?
    Bright future in the GOP!
    The "author" should be punched (with dogshit).

  • MosesInvests

    Why am I picturing the guy with the top hat and the monocle from the New Yorker, but with a pimply face?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Why is Peggy Noonan writing for a college paper?

  • Gleem McShineys

    The author of this editorial is awesome! Insofar, he or she should totally write for the Dunning-Kruger Picayune.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Inconceivable!

  • cousinitt

    What, you were wondering who is the Journalanimalism Dept editorial advisor at ISU? Allow me to report that

    "Mark Witherspoon, editorial adviser for the Iowa State Daily, was recently named the 2010 recipient of the College Media Advisers Hall of Fame Award.
    The award is given to media advisers who “have contributed to collegiate journalism education for 20 or more years while an active member of College Media Advisers,” according to the CMA website. Recipients must also have shown dedication and commitment in an effort to improve student media programs, both on campus and nationally, according to the website. "http://www.jlmc.iastate.edu/news/2010/fall/witherspoon-receives-cma-hall-fame-award

    You can't make this stuff up.

    • tessiee

      "Mark Witherspoon, editorial adviser for the Iowa State Daily, was recently named the 2010 recipient of the College Media Advisers Hall of Fame Award."

      Should be NARK Witherspoon, amirite?

      • Simple J Malarkey

        College Media Advisers Hall of Fame

        Witherspoon was probably elected by one of those bullshit veterans committees.

  • Cheburashka64

    When Mitt Romney said in the debate that he appreciated "windjobs in Iowa," this editorial is what he had in mind.
    I just want to assure everyone the entire state isn't like this. Eastern Iowa, where the University of Iowa is located, produces fine Writers, Doctors, Lawyers, Zach Walls, and Judges that understand than "Equal Protection" means what it says, and you can't let only heterosexuals get married . (And Ashton Kutcher, sorry). Central and Western Iowa, including Ames, produce hog confinement operations, Steve King, and the people who are trying to fire our Judges because gay marriage makes them think about other guys in ways that scare them.
    http://justicenotpolitics.org/

  • dial_m

    "Puedo." Sounds dirty.

  • DahBoner

    Ho

  • DahBoner

    a concert on a Thursday night

    Did this Hawkhead just figger out musicians can't make bank playing 2 days a week?

  • RomneysLogCabin

    I'm casting my vote based on Honey Boo Boo's endorsement.

  • tessiee

    I, for one, will always treasure my memories of seeing Mr. Springsteen and his entourage perform at Vandermint Auditorium.

  • Slim_Pickins

    How did these Hitler Youth seize control of the Iowa State Daily?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Senator Grandpa Cornpants helped them with his awesome texting machine.

  • tessiee

    Crybaby doth whine and protest muchly because all of the celebrities on his side are third-rate… methinks.

  • tessiee

    "Feel Like a Sir" is a slightly funny meme, but when you try to stretch it out into an entire article, it really goes way past the point of diminishing returns.

  • tessiee

    Justin Long > Justin Beeble, though, right?

  • tessiee

    "Also, is “puedo-events” a typo or a failed attempt at a multilingual pun on “Sí se puede”? Or pedos?"

    As long as they don't involve the wearing of Speedos, because that would be much much worse.

  • tessiee

    *mumble*grumble*
    THEY get Bruce Springsteen! Who do WE get? Crazy old man Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair!
    *lousyrottenstinkinmumble*

  • C_R_Eature

    Please keep an eye on these people, Dok. All of the very worst Republicans started out as College Republicans.

    In addition, "young fogeys" is a beautiful and most appropriate descriptive and vastly underutilized. IMHO.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I called myself that in grad school, when I was a mere pup of 23 or so. Today, I feel I have grown into a comfortable fogeyhood of my own.

      • C_R_Eature

        You're part of the fogey elite!

  • C_R_Eature

    AND ANOTHER THING:

    Anyone who writes that Bruce Springsteen is "not noted for much aside from [his] support of Obama" was never even close to New Jersey in the late 70's or, in fact, never had so much as spoken to anyone who was next to near New Jersey or perhaps never even read anything written about Bruce Springsteen or New Jersey at all.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Gov. Kristie Kremes is so in love with The Boss, and yet, in his heart of hearts, he knows The Boss hates him. But if Gov. Kristie Kremes ever read this ISU kid's insolent column, he'd jump on the next private jet (financed by money supposed to help poor people with mortgage problems) and fly to Iowa to yell at that kid for hours, probably about "unrequited love" or something.

  • Redgyal
  • tessiee

    IS THAT A PLEDGE PIN ON YOUR UNIFORM, MISTER!???

  • tessiee

    Your move, Thomas Frank:
    http://whatsthematterwithkansas.com/

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Q: What's the matter with Iowa?
      A: Representative Steve King.

  • kakotechnia

    Given the writing style, I'm guessing that the Obama chalkings didn't have enough unspecified pronouns for the editor's taste.

  • decentcitizen

    He (or She) got admitted to ISU. We should all pay attention to the wisdom selflessly bestowed on us.

  • ttommyunger

    "Is our children learning?" Apparently not.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, the vaunted college newspaper, so very passionate and earnest in their priggishness. "Let's be contrarians because it's so cool."

    It was better in the original Peggy Nooningtonish. ISU is an embarrassment to land-grants.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Uh, what's that gal's name who does the NRO propaganda dispensary? These ISU kids are the future.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I must take issue with, nay, openly oppose, the claims by some of my fellow Wonketteers that this editorial represents a Republican or conservative point of view. I would venture to say that it is in fact studiously apolitical in the way that only a self-righteous college newspaper editorial can be. Were the ISU campus playing host to a Kid Rock concert on Romney's behalf, we would see exactly the same bland appeals to higher thinking and "seriously weighing ideas in making our choices as citizens" that we do here.

    This is crap writing without a party. The earthly shade of David Broder has a lot to answer for.

  • James Michael Curley

    Please no more reminders of what it was like being in college. For most it was a required experience for four years so that they could acquire enough deadening debt to need to take the first dead end job that came along.

  • Sassomatic

    "Long and Springsteen materializing on campus are not political events.

    Also, since they are not political events, we have to wonder at why, then, the Obama campaign would have brought them here."

    Yes, why did the Obama campaign bring Long and Springsteen materializing on campus here? If you are going to bring a political event, you must bring an -event- not just people doing and saying stuff, at a particular moment, in regards to politics. Call me when you have a socially constructed abstraction which you are prepared to bring here.

  • Simple J Malarkey

    I know I speak for all 50-something white men when I say:

    Who the hell is Justin Long?

    • cousinitt

      I know what you mean. I went to look up Justin in my library. I proceeded to the card catalog when I discovered to my amazement that the cards have been replaced by little blips of light. The librarian politely informed me that Justin had, in fact, played a role in removing my cards and replacing them with said blips of light. And intertoobz.

      • Simple J Malarkey

        Thanks for clearing that up for me, Son-of-Fester. I should have known he was mixed up in it.

        It's been covered up, you know. I wanted to research his involvement, but there are no editions of Readers Guide to Periodical Literature at my library past 1987.

  • ttommyunger

    So many words…..what do they mean? No, really, what the fuck does he mean?

  • Warpde

    Me thinks that if The Boss had that much swagger and sway in political thought computing processies I have one name for this misconception.
    Chris Christie.