Who even made this? Was it Weigel?“George Allen” is one of the names inscribed in gilded letters in Wonkette’s Book of Legends. For those of you too young to remember, he was a senator from Virginia and considered a viable candidate for the Republican nomination in 2008, but before he could become George W. Bush II: The Bushening, he had to win re-election in 2006. This went hilariously wrong, as it did for many Republicans that year, starting with him calling the Indian-American dude who was paid by the Democrats to follow the campaign around with a camcorder “macaca,” which is apparently a weird ethnic slur of some kind. It also came out that maybe he used some less hilarious racial epithets when he was in college, and also put a severed deer’s head in a black family’s mailbox. Next, it turned out his mother was a secret Jew, which he had a dumb freakout about. Then he didn’t get re-elected. BUT! Jim Webb, the Democrat and gun-crazed maniac who beat Allen, is now leaving the Senate in disgust, and Allen has decided to run for is old seat again. Which meant that this year should have been full of fun macaca times, and yet it … hasn’t been? WHOSE FAULT IS THIS? What evil spell have the Jews placed on George Allen, in a plot to reduce Wonkette’s pageviews?

A quick look at Wonkette’s George Allen tag reveals that he’s done nothing worth making fun of since yet another run-in with a video camera in December 2011. The Washington Post has an extremely long article about why George Allen is boring now, which is mostly about how losing the election in ’06 brought him a new humility, etc. The result has been the end of fun.

“His energy would fill up a room,” says Virginia Tech communications professor Robert Denton, a close observer of Allen’s style for more than three decades. “This year, you don’t see the old George Allen — wearing funny hats, throwing the football, telling jokes. He’s self-editing now. You can see kind of a transformation, a genuine regret after a humbling experience.”

UGH, SELF-EDITING NO NO NO. THIS IS DEATH FOR US. Also note the reference to the fact that he’s abandoned his beloved prop football. Instead of carrying it around and drawing on its secret power, he has literally placed it on a shelf, next to … well, you’d better brace yourself.

George Allen displays three totems on the top shelf of the bookcase in his Old Town Alexandria office. The bust of Thomas Jefferson is a natural; Allen’s first elective office three decades ago was Jefferson’s seat in the Virginia House of Delegates.

There’s a football, of course, an inevitable nod toward Allen’s father, the longtime Washington Redskins coach.

And then there’s the latest addition to the showcase: a shofar, the ram’s horn that Jews blow to signal the annual time of repentance.

Allen was given the shofar at a Lubavitcher confab he attended in 2010. Did he dare to place his baptized-in-the-name-of-Christ lips upon it?

At that meeting, he tried to blow the horn, a difficult task even for some rabbis. “I couldn’t get much of a sound out of it,” Allen says, but that night, “I had the best dreams.”

Well, there you have it: George Allen has had his mojo stolen by this sinister Hebraic magical item, which sent him “good dreams” to lull him into complacency. And that’s why Nate Silver’s Math and Numbers Emporium only gives Allen a 20% chance of winning the election, which means we won’t have to think about him again after November 6, the end. [WP]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • JudasPeckerwood

    Better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. Or not, in this case.

    • ShreditorsDesk

      He's been an easy foil in the Kaine debates so far, maybe he'll slice off a brain fart soon on the campaign trail!

    • Boojum

      No, we need more public foolery.

      OK, fewer George Allen's, but more public foolery.

      • tessiee

        What, has Mitt had laryngitis?

    • rickmaci

      Sounds like George learned a little Old Testament humility. "It is a shofar, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done…"

  • George Al-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • And then there’s the latest addition to the showcase: a shofar

    It seems to have worked as a talisman this year so far.

    Shofar, so good.

    • Boojum

      Oh, fuck you. I'm serious. My pun defenses overloaded and wept electricity into my eyeballs.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      When he visits the Kosher bars in Crown Heights, his favorite pickup line is, "Hi. I'm George. How do you like me shofar?"

      • Mine is "I'm Glatt to meet you."

    • Geminisunmars

      Well, the shofar must go on.

    • It's only a showcase shofar.

      • tessiee

        But the shofar does come with an additional matching armchair.

    • eggsacklywright

      I have a shofar for my limo freelimo.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    In Jewish Virginia, Horn blows YOU!

    • Boojum

      Well, they do say that Virginia is for lovers….

      • It sho' as hell warn't fer Loving.

    • This is the Wonketz. You're risking starting a stampede of horny fuckers, dick in hand, for VA.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Eric Cantor knows a lot about having dicks in his hands, fer sure.

        • Oh? REALLY? Tell me more! Does the little putz have a few skellies in the closet?

  • MacRaith

    I'm in no position to criticize anyone for blowing a shofar, given that my people play the bagpipes.

    • Ungulates make great musical instruments!

      • MosesInvests

        I know a rabbi who's also a very good jazz trumpeter-he can play tunes on a shofar.

        • I was advised by a doctor to learn the didgeridoo for my apnea. I would take him up on it, but the neighbors complained.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            You have to train them properly. Start with happy hardcore, then some industrial noise, then drop some dubstep. At this point the digeridoo will become a salving balm.

          • Doktor Zoom

            You just need to ask a friend when the right time for low, sustained, booming noises is.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Apparently ant time after 1917.

          • You'd think they'd be used to it: after all, it's NYC, I live near an airport and I fart a lot

    • Thanks for that contribution to global civilization. My cat begging for food sounds better than bagpipes.

      But thanks for scotch. Seriously.

      • yyyaz

        Speaking of Scotch, my understanding always has been that the Irish invented the bagpipes, but having as little tolerance for the inhumane screeches they invariably produce as every other semi-civilized society, they passed their invention along to the Scots, who, alas, never got the joke.

  • coolhandnuke

    Allen is a lock to get 20% of the Redskin vote and has an 80% lock on the red-nosed gin blossoms vote.

  • Not_So_Much

    So, for six years, he's been trapped in a closet?

    • R. Kelly libel.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      And then he looked for his football,
      He put down his foot ball,
      and he had no football,
      He put down the football!

  • Schmannnity

    Mediocrity and stupidity abhor a vacuum. We'll find another worthy of snark.

    • Geminisunmars

      Where or where can we find one?

      • calliecallie

        I am sure, come November, there will a many snark-worthy contenders to chose from.

      • Geezus. With the Republican party still breathing, it's not like there's a shortage, darlz.

        • Geminisunmars

          Yeah, finding a new one is about as difficult as looking at your browser.

          • (Hugs you)

          • Geminisunmars

            (Hugs you back. And your front, too.)

          • Sometimes a body just needs that,

        • Schmannnity

          You know, Mittborg, you have yet to have the mortuary effect on your namesake as on Palinzadummy. Squeeze harder in snapping this presidential log.

          • You have a point. I crushed the others like bugs in no time flat.

            Maybe I need a new av.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Poor George–having to self edit so he doesn't accidentally yell "ni*&er" at every dark complected person he sees. Politics really does change you.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He must have really had it tough whenever he visited the post-game locker room of his dad's team when he was a kid.

      • Biff

        My macacas can beat your macacas…

      • Lot_49

        Lessee, which was the last team in the NFL to have a black player?

      • Not as tough as *they* had it, trying to keep from beating the snot out of him.

  • We haven't heard much about Cantor lately, either.
    I wonder what previously maligned, now-embraced totem he might have procured to "snap out of it"?

    • calliecallie

      Hurricane Irene blew him away.

    • TootsStansbury

      I just googled the little weasel. Fourth choice? "Eric Cantor Gay".

    • gullywompr

      From Public Policy Polling:

      Q9 Do you have a favorable or unfavorable opinion
      of Eric Cantor?
      Favorable……………………………………………….. 25%
      Unfavorable ……………………………………………. 40%
      Not sure …………………………………………………. 35%

    • Negropolis

      A Best of Britney Spears collection, I'm sure. They haven't been able to get him out of his office since the purchase.

  • Callyson

    he tried to blow the horn, a difficult task even for some rabbis. “I couldn’t get much of a sound out of it,” Allen says, but that night, “I had the best dreams.”

    Yeah, a lot of guys in your party have that problem. Or so I've been told.

    • I swear, they just write the jokes FOR you.

  • YerMa

    Totally off-topic, but..Holy shit, yay!!

    I was ban-hammered during The Great Brazilian Invasion of 2012© and that has been rectified.

    • Geminisunmars

      It was probably your accent that made them think Brazilian.

      • YerMa

        Or my super hot bod.

        That happens a lot.

        • Geminisunmars

          The combo could get you banned from all kinds of sites.

        • YerMa

          Argh!! It's doing it again!! My comments are deleted by administrator as soon as I submit!! Why hast thou forsaken me, administrator?!

          Sad face.

    • Biff

      Welcome back!

      • YerMa

        Thanks, I don't comment a lot, and I may have offended (a) Brazilian people, but being banned gave me a sad. :(

        But I'm back!!

    • Lot_49

      Great Brazilian Invasion? Clue a newbie in, if you would be so kind.

      • Last weekend Wonkette was overrun by a horde of nincompoops typing jibberish and claiming to be Brazilian. Threads that should have had two pages of comments had three or four, and the visitors' contributions failed to make a lick of sense. We often get a troll or two here (usually on Friday night), but this some kind of IntenseDebate meltdown.

        • Lot_49

          I thank you, madam.

        • Doktor Zoom


          • Careful, you'll get yourself banned.

    • Cody

      we will never forget
      (yes, i was here)

    • Yay! Er … when did this invasion happen? Did I miss it? Or was I just stoned, as usual?

      Also, too, were you always YerMa, or are you an old and beloved Wonketteer with a new name? In any case, welcome.

    • Negropolis

      The casualty count was high. Nice to see you made it, though. They won't ever do that shit again after the righteous (and mostly silent) down-fisting war we unleashed against them leaving them confused and angry.

      • YerMa

        I didn't even fist one Brazilian and was STILL put in the corner!!

        Next time…

        Nobody puts baby in the corner!!

        • James Michael Curley

          As I said the other day.
          Nobody puts baby in a binder.

    • tessiee

      Huh huh huh!
      You said "Brazilian"!
      Also, you said "rectified"!

    • Humberto_Echo

      So it had nothing to do with a waxing party gone awry? I think I saw one of those on Bravo once.

  • wearing funny hats, throwing the football, telling jokes.

    But he kept the noose in his office, right? Because hilarious. Just ask him.

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    Is our children learning?

  • Goonemeritus

    How can we trust him to help our Country if he won’t even step on his dick to help the Wonkette.

    • bikerlaureate

      It's surprising that the head Wonketeers aren't realizing their full impact in ridding our media of this good ol' boy.

  • SorosBot

    George Allen very much regrets being caught at being a racist dick.

    • OzoneTom

      Now that is just so self-hating-y.

  • BloviateMe

    Yes but, did he label his past an act of error, or an error-ist attack?

    • Geminisunmars

      Was it the day after the macaca incident, or two weeks later?

  • Studebaker Hawk

    Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person? Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he can go play his shofar on Arsenio Hall's show. Worked for Clinton and his saxophone. Wait, what?

  • I guess the shofar replaces the noose that used to be there. First George Allen came for the oppressors, and I said nothing…

    • Being called a racially insensitive, callous lunkhead is one thing. But being called a public nuisance really sent George around the bend, now!

      • Darling, being called a racially insensitive, callous lunkhead is a badge of pride for Georgie, no doubt.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Keep blowing that shofar, Macaca.

    • MosesInvests

      He does treat the help well, doesn't he?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Shofars are made from goats, right?

      Keep blowing that goat!!

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      As long as he doesn't ramrod it into a soup kitchen. That could get messy.

  • Crank_Tango

    How the hell did he come up with macaca anyway? The only monkey I know by name is Annie's Boobs.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      IIRC, his grandma used that word when she was chiding her grandchildren. So, family tradition?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And of course, the deer head is mounted on the wall, right?

    • Of some black family's mailbox, yeah.

  • Come here a minute

    My TV is right now telling me that Tim Kaine wants to double Virginia unemployment, so maybe we'll have to give this "Macaca" fellow another chance.

    • Allen better step up his game. How about accusing Kaine of planning to implement Sharia Law in Virginia, outlaw hunting, turn coal mines into swimming pools for inner city youth and rename the state Western France.

      • Lot_49

        Finally, a candidate with a platform everyone can support.

    • finallyhappy

      My TV was telling me that – so I turned it off- I try to only DVR at this time of year- or possible watch whie DVRing but walk out of the room to do something when political commercials come on

      • No wonder you're finallyhappy. That's a great strategy.

  • only gives Allen a 20% chance of winning the election, which means we won’t have to think about him again after November 6

    Nate gives Romney a 29% chance. Pffffft, forget Romney!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Okay, totally OT, but *sirens* Mississippi Republican GAY SEX SCANDAL SCANDAL SCANDAL *sirens*

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Sounds like another Republican has been blowing something other than a shofar.

      • elviouslyqueer


        [26-year-old toyboy Jansen] Fair is well-known to [ugly harridan wronged wife] Suzann Davis. He was among her children that she took care of when she was a volunteer at a church nursery in Columbus

        That's gotta hurt.

    • FINALLY Cocktober pays off.

      At least one Republican in Mississippi spells it with one-eye

    • calliecallie

      Wow, can't make this stuff up:

      In the latest suit, Suzann Davis says her former husband's longtime "deviant homosexual adulterous association" with Fair came to light when she on April 5, 2010 "inadvertently discovered intimate communications" in which Fair told Davis he was looking forward to the Las Vegas trip.

      Zummach said Fair is well-known to Suzann Davis.

      "Jansen Fair was among her children that she took care of when she was a volunteer at a church nursery in Columbus," he said.

      Why'd she wait so long to file, I wonder?

      • The suit is the latest in a string of legal battles for the Southaven mayor, who was ordered to repay more than $170,000 in city funds that the Mississippi auditor's office says he misspent and who faces possible criminal charges in an FBI probe. Also, Davis's former wife is seeking to change terms of their divorce settlement in a separate court action.

    • A lawsuit for loss of the affection of a Mississippi Republican mayor? De minimis non curat lex.

    • Hey, Elv, Wonkette Nobelle Prize in Journalmalizm for finding that winner.

      My favorite line, "'Defendant's conduct is so outrageous in character and so extreme in degree as to go beyond all possible bounds of decency, and said conduct should be regarded as atrocious and utterly intolerable in a civilized society,' the lawsuit says." There's civilized society in the far-reaches of Memphis? Sounds like the lawyer is a Dame Noonington wannabe.

      • tessiee

        Were there acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here?

        • I don't think decorum makes much of an appearance here, darlz.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Quick! To the Cocktober Signal!

      • tessiee

        I'll start the Weinermobile!

    • Sweet Lawdy Jesus! This is almost as fun as when Troy King got outed for fucking some Homecoming King or the other.

    • Negropolis

      I thought I recognized the name. This was a Wonkette story some time ago. This was the guy who got caught spending city funds at a sex shop on a city credit card, right?

  • neiltheblaze

    He's determined to try to not draw too much attention to himself – a strategy I wish all other politicians would follow.

    • calliecallie

      Only Republicans.

      • neiltheblaze

        Yes. And some blue dogs.

  • mavenmaven

    Go to Brandeis or GTFO!

  • TootsStansbury

    Repentance, feh. He'still a fucking meat head.

    • Feh! is right. George "Macaca" Allen is one big feh!

  • We need more politicians who will wear funny hats.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    This fucking guy.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Fear not Wonket, there is still an entire stable of Romneys and Palinses.

    • Lot_49

      Think of the romantic possibilities.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr


        • Hey, you speak cat too?

          • Beowoof

            Bill would be proud.

          • Ack! Thpffththtffft!

            How many people still *remember* Bill the Cat?

          • emmelemm

            Many, many people.

          • That makes me very happy. (Hugs you)

      • I wish to register my protest at this thought by making the sound of a cat with a hairball.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Were you aware that that very sound is what inspired Andy Serkis in creating the voice of Gollum? (google his NPR Fresh air interview…)

          • No but I love you extra for bringing me presents like this delici … er, tidbit of news. Thanks!

        • tessiee

          My million dollar idea for a never fail alarm clock sound.

          • Tell you what, all I have to hear is the first "gack!" and I'm outa bed on my feet and turning on the light, gimp or no gimp. Of course, one of these days, the li'l bastids will drop one right where my bare nekkid foot hits the floor …

    • Negropolis

      The new measurement for Republicans is a "binder-full."

      • HA! In my secret fantasy about Negropolis, he is a studly young newspaper reporter in a thriving American city who sneaks counter-propaganda into all his articles on Republicans.

        When not leaping tall buildings at a single bound, of course.

        • tessiee

          All the men on wonkette are studly; it's one reason why I like it here so much.

  • neiltheblaze

    If only they kept him chained to a bed in the attic like they used to do in the olden days, none of this would be happening.

  • widestanceromance

    I enjoyed playing the chauffeur while he had time to kill waiting for clients at an opera once, right in the back of the limo. Is that the same thing?

  • Trannysurprise

    Just like a Republican. Killing our Wonkette jerbs. We get paid for this right?

  • Fairtackle

    His collection of klezmer music has ballooned too.

    • I actually like klezmer music.

      Go ahead and shoot me. (with sheet music)

      • Fairtackle

        Ha! me too. Good stuff.
        I am pretty sure he is now going around wearing a yamaka, watching Seinfeld reruns and constantly going on about the tribe this and the tribe that.

        • A friend of mine was horrified to hear his secretary announce to the office one day that a colleague of theirs had just returned from Israel "with a Yamaha on his head." That's called "being more Catholic than the Pope," where I come from. As you can imagine, Jews were not in the majority.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Someone should tell him that he's riding the motorcycle upside down.

      • Beowoof

        I actually fear being shot with missed notes in my ears. The local Idol competition was something like that.

        • It's painful when you can hear every flat or missed note. My teacher could spot the offender in a crowd of a hundred. Luckily, his aim was pathetic, and he wasn't allowed to beat the snot out of us, as he informed us mournfully when begging us to not maltreat his beloved music.

          • Beowoof

            You must be young because we were subject to the paddle with holes drilled in it so it would pick up airspeed on the way to your ass.

          • Oh, no, honey. This was a class I took in America where y'awl banned all that shit.

            Back home, not only did the teachers whack the bleeding jesus out of your arse, they made sure to call your parents and tell them so THEY could add a few licks to the increasingly damaged behind. After our parents got through with us, we couldn't sit straight for a week. Y'all use paddles. OUR parents used rotan. Thin, very flexible switches with tiny, sharp thorns. When they got done with your ass, you were bleeding and welted.

          • Oh sweetie I'm so sorry.

          • Eh, we survived and amazingly, none of us is a serial killer (to the best of my knowledge; I haven't spoken to any of my sibs in a while). But sympathy is always appreciated and gets me loads of free hugs. Hug? (leer)

          • Geminisunmars

            Humpf. Now I find out you are a drive-by hugger.

          • Oh, HELL, no. I'm an *Equal-Opportunity* hugger. There's a difference, you know.

            Also, too, I takes hugs as often as I can get 'em. Otherwise I would've offed myself a LONG time ago. (Leers helpfully at the Gem)

          • (Leers back at teh Z)Hug, hug, hug.

          • Oh, my! (submits tamely to multiple hugs)

            Always good to see you, sweetie. Hope the fruit flies are behaving.

  • Normally inadequate horn-blowing does not lead to the best dreams.

    You know who else's mom was a Jew and dad was a Christian?


    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Now that would be a South Virginia style family reunion. Questionable parentage, J-bro and his possee getting drunk on the miracle wine, with enough loaves and fishes to make the food fight last for days.

  • Woodshedding

    "sinister Hebraic magical item" ??? What are you, wonky in the head? Clearly he was terminated and replaced with a clone. Sheesh, get real, girl.

  • SorosBot

    Keep fucking that football, George.

  • Geminisunmars

    Here is some nice OT news: The "Salt Lake Tribune" has endorsed Obama. I guess even Mormons find Rmoney insufferable.

    • Biff


    • proudgrampa

      Holy shit!

      The real miracle would be if the Deseret News endorsed the President. But Kolob will freeze over before that happens.

    • doloras

      Remember that SLC is the LIBERAL part of Utah.

      • Geminisunmars

        Who knew Utah had liberal parts. Well, hope that it will still influence some of the “undecideds”.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Oh, yeah, something like 30% of Utah is non-mormon. Maybe even a bit more. Not exactly a swing state, however.

      • SenhorTambor

        Yes, the part that ALLOWS green and red jello on the same plate…

    • Well, fuck me blind! I must celebrate! The SLT endorses Barry? FUCK ME!

    • I saw that! It's fabulous.

  • barto

    Maybe old George shoulda practiced on a rusty trumpet or two before attempting the shofar.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Or trombone?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    After blowing that horn, I'd have some pretty intense dreams, too. AMIRITE GIRLS

    • tessiee


  • Dudleydidwrong

    George is talented. He both blows and sucks.

  • SpiderCrab

    George once dangled his sister over Niagara Falls. Misogyny squared.

    • tessiee

      And yet, I think back on some of my relatives, and…

      • Er … geeze, dudine. (Hugs you)

  • Remember when being a racist was hurtful to Republicans, instead of being encouraged?

  • DrunkIrishman

    Is self-editing a lot like Mitt Romney's self-deportation?

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    He really was one of the public figures that helped the Wonkette of that era define its style and voice, like super-tuber Larry Craig or the inestimable Kitty Harris did for the Wonkette of earlier times.

    I love the current Wonkeration, but sometimes I think it needs a clownish villain a la Michelle Bachmann of it's very own. Someone new, and shocking, like Sara Palin was for Ken. It would help it define its voice, you guys!

    • With the loss of Allen West, Joe Walsh, and Michele Bachmann, my hopes– and money– are on Paul Broun.

      He looks like a bottomless well of snarkability. After all, who else could draw Charles Darwin as a write-in opponent??

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, but he seems to be so effing stupid. Not a hint of evil genius, just boring, blindly religious, dumb stupid. Maybe I just don't know him very well, yet.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Christ, be careful what you say! Lord only know what eldritch horror you might awaken.

      • Tommmcatt_Again

        "We shall see that at which dogs howl in the dark, and that at which cats prick up their ears at midnight"

        …probably not until the next election cycle, though. :(

    • It's all the same to me.

      Actually, what has happened to the "voice" of Wonkette since, say, 2006, is that the "voice" is never even halfway serious anymore, whereas you might find a rather straightforward post back in the old days. That is an improvement. And the comments are WAY better now.

      • Tommmcatt_Again

        Eh, I am one of the happy few that instituted a boycott back in the day, when Wonkette fired wossname, the anonymous lobbyist. I, like more than a few, liked the reportage and outrage along with the snark. I'm back, of course, but there are some hardcore genius commenters- San Fran Lefty, for example, or Flyingchainsaw, that left and never came back. The Incomparable Homofacist was one of them. We missed the backbone of fact Anna Marie and her hand-picked successor wossname, that Asian dude, used to contextualize the jokes. Not that there's anything wrong with the current iteration. It brings the funny for sure.

        But sometimes you miss grandma's cooking, you know?

        What was that woman's name, anyway? The lobbyist, I mean.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What the fuck is this shitty-sounding concept of "self-editing"? Sounds like some stupid shit I need like I need fucking George goddamn Allen's son of a bitch cock up my fucking ass. Fuck that shit.

    • With "self-editing," can "self-deporting" be far behind?

    • Doktor Zoom

      "Self-editing" is just what normal people call "tact." If you have that quality, you don't need to self-edit.

    • Will you marry me? I can't remember when I last met someone who swore more than I did.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Sure! Why the fuck not!

        ETA: Fuck yeah!

        • Fuckin' A. We're fucking set, dudine. Or dude.

          • Biff

            Thanksgiving's gonna be weird as fuck this year. Just sayin'.

          • Lighten up, it's gonna be great. We'll see which turkey gets et first.

          • Biff

            Are you trolling for an AOT,K?

          • (Leers at Biff helpfully)

          • tessiee

            My second favorite episode of "Jerry Springer" ever:
            Girl: I brought you here today to confess to you that I cheated on you.
            Guy: Was it with someone I know?
            Girl: It was with your cousin Kathy.
            Guy: WHAT?? Kathy's gay?
            Girl: Well, I don't know if she's 100% gay, but she had sex with me.
            Guy: But… What… How… I don't GET this. She's my COUSIN! NOW HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO OVER THERE FOR THANKSGIVING!!???

          • Biff

            Never watched an episode of Springer. Actually, I just don't turn on the tv during the day, unless it's for an F1 race or something…

          • I've had a few fun moments like that in my life.

          • Simple J Malarkey

            "second favorite"

            It would be irresponsible not to ask.

            What is your all-time favorite episode of Springer?

          • tessiee

            "He don't love you! He love me!"
            "He don't love YOU! He love ME!"
            [this went back and forth a few times, then]
            "Well, maybe he don't love me, but he don't love you, neither!"
            "Yes he do!"
            "No he don't! He cheatin on you already!"
            "How you know? He done TOLE you that??"
            "No he ain't tole me. I know!'
            [genuinely puzzled now] "But HOW you know??"
            "Girl, ain't you never see this show before? [pointing] Who you think that other chair is for?"

          • Simple J Malarkey


            I KNEW I would be glad I asked!!

        • Darling, have you met our Internet Husband, Biff?

          Biff, this is our new Internet Wife, Natl_Redacted.

          I love it. Even in my virtual life, I have a spouse of either gender.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            er, technically I'm a ma-

            oh what the hell.

            let's be gender-confused Mormons!


          • *Mwah!*

  • calliecallie

    Sing it with me now:

    M-A-C – See you real soon
    A-C-A – Eh? Not if I see you first

  • Another Gene Lottery candidate. Have we learned nothing?

  • Biff

    "Well I'm gonna go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.

    Picks up bust of Jefferson

    "And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this bust of Thomas Jefferson. And this football. And this shofar…
    Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something?


  • littlebigdaddy

    I'm not worried for Wonkette. We still have Palin, Bachmann, Arpaio, Akin, plus a seemingly endless supply of local idiots and hate freaks that even Mittens calls the "outpatient wing" of the Republican party.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It is a target-rich environment, to be sure. Or fields ripe for harvest, if you prefer a less shooty metaphor.

  • DahBoner


  • DahBoner

    his energy would fill up the room

    Ah, I remember that magical night at Red Robin well.

    Or maybe it was just the Bottomless Fries talking…

  • Nice totems, but I wouldn't believe he's changed unless he was eating papadums and collard greens during the interview.

  • So what was this about George Allen blowing his chauffeur?

    • No you did NOT say that thang.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Those text-to-voice programs still have some bugs to work out.

      Or kinks, as it were.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    *scoff* as if Editrix et al would ever stop posting things. When there were only three posts a day (SKS was birthing babbies, Waggaman was leaving and Layne was recovering from another drunk), we begged for that delicious Wonkette solace.

    Now? Soon as I am finished trying to out-funny you people (no offense), there's another post!

    So, in this dearth of George Allen posts, I only posit: "George Allen who? Who cares?! I'm still catching up with Doktor Zoom's Pony Parade from last Sunday!"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Toto, postings come and go so quickly around here."

    • Doktor Zoom

      Here's an opportunity for some Brony with a DeviantArt account: an image search for "My Little Macaca" brings up NOTHING of Pony relevance.

      • Don't. Just don't. You're GONNA be sorry when you get tons of deviants posting all kinds pony play shit all over the place.

    • (Hugs you) Poor babby. There, there. (Pats your feathers)

      I just read the top post any more, and try to keep up with replies. Yon Wonketteerz have certainly grown more wiv-it than back in OUR day, huh?

  • MosesInvests

    Stephen King and Louie Gohmert, also, too.

    • tessiee

      Do you mean Steve King?
      Stephen King, the horror novelist, recently stated publicly that he was in favor of taxing the rich.

      • Lot_49

        Tax the rich? The horror! The horror!

      • MosesInvests

        D'oh! Yeah, Steve King.

  • which is apparently a weird ethnic slur of some kind

    Not just any weird ethnic slur, but a weird French ethnic slur. Which means even Republicans, who are normally okay with this stuff, were pretty pissed.

  • Lot_49

    This is the Invisible Dead Hand of Nixon, rising out of his grave to smite another descendant of his cronies. Remember that the Trickster used to call George Allen Sr and suggest plays the Chesapeake Bay Region Indigenous Persons could use along their inevitable path towards the Super Bowl. Now all are being punished with the curse of Shanahan and Snyder.

  • OneYieldRegular

    No, no, no, George. That's the bust of Thomas Jefferson you're blowing. No, no, wrong, not that one either. That's a football. There ya go. That one. Let 'er rip.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Poor, poor Wonkette. Where ever will we find another white overgrown frat boy racist wingnut?

    • Radiotherapy

      Don't worry, they keep breeding.

    • tessiee

      Anywhere but the White House, please.

  • Snark off: I watched a documentary on the Rams' Fearsome Foursome on the NFL Network the other day. It was narrated by Jennifer Allen (sister of George and the one who blew the whistle on his anger issues), who appeared to be a charming and articulate woman. No surprise she knew football but I was happy to see she appeared to be the furthest thing from a racist. She has maintained close relationships with many of the Ram players from her childhood and has named her four sons after favorite athletes, men of all colors. I don't think she has a noose hanging in HER office.

    • That's nice to know that one of them turned out OK! I was just imagining what a horrid little prick Georgie must have been, to grow up around Pro Football players and turn out an entitled racist ass.

  • Well Silver gives Allen (20%) a lot better chance than he does Baumgartner (0%) out here in Washington. Commonwealthers is there anything we can doo doo regards Allen to help push his odds down even further??

    • emmelemm

      Ah hahhaaahahhaha! 0% chance, huh? Not even a chance in hell?

      At least there's some good news.

      • At least out here in the NW.

    • I join with weejee in asking, if there's anything we can do to squash this bloated tick, please let us know how we can help.

    • Radiotherapy

      Kaine has not said anything about macaca — being all civil and polite (read Democrat). Fuck, Allen put Kaine in a cheerleader uniform (see below).

  • StealthMuslin

    Coach Allen's worst play is still running hard down in Real Virginia. The last few times I've left the haven of NoVa I've seen "George Allen" signs stuck in the half-tended fields of farmers/serial killers near Fredericksburg and points south. The best are the tiny black and white photos of Macaca with the words "George Allen: For Us."
    That's some damn fine dog-whistlin' right thar…

    • tessiee

      "the half-tended fields of farmers/serial killers"

      Nice. Very nice. Snuck that one right past us, thereby earning your name.

  • Cody


  • Oh thank you jebus. If I never have to see that revolting pig-face over my morning tea again, I will die happy.

  • Radiotherapy

    Apparently Josh, not many have seen this instant classic.

    גוּט שַׁבָּת

  • Cody

    macaca = female monkey in portuguese

    • Negropolis


  • Detesticle

    You say "macaca," i say "bukaki," let's blow the whole thing off.

    • I'm not sure it's blow, so much as pull.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        You say a squirtin, I say a spurtin!
        You say a spankin, I say a wanking!
        Let's rub the whole thing out!

  • I guess all this faux-nostalgia for George Allen is just part of The Snark, because he was never a major part of the comedy around here even back then, except for the "macaca" bit. How can you even compare him to the cornucopia of idiocy we've enjoyed without him for the last 6 years?! I find it all incredibly dishonoring to the soon-to-be-memory of Joe Walsh, Michelle Bachmann, Snowbilly, Christine O'Donnell, Rick Perry, Santorum, Todd Akin, The Kings….

    • chascates

      I try to tell younger friends that politics wasn't completely filled with lunatics in the past but now they see it all as theater. Pretty bad theater at that.

      • Like in Radio's link above, Cracker Kabuki.

      • BadKitty904

        So. This guy *isn't* made up???

    • Doktor Zoom

      OK, but how will they become "memories" if they refuse to go away? Answer me that, Mr. smart guy!

    • Did you catch the swipe at Marcus Bachmann on Parks and Recreation last night?

  • Negropolis

    I can tell you, there is no such thing as "genuine regret" with people as egotistical as George Allen. If there is, the regret isn't over his behavior, it's that he lost and wants to win again.

    EDIT: On second thought, maybe he did change. I'd definitely check for brain tumors for such a behavioral turnaround.

  • Negropolis

    Poor Georgie. He never recovered after being spurned when he requested an endorsement from The Honey Boo Boo Child. She'll holla for a dolla, but girl has her limits.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, don't you worry, Wonkette. When Governor Bobby "Magic Wand" McDonnell and AG Ken "The Cooch" Cuccinelli are inevitably elevated to some higher office, Viginia will, again, be for lovers (of hate), Allah willing.

    • OT:
      Congrats to the Tigers!

      (I'm so not looking forward to the NYC bloodbath this winter!)

      • Negropolis

        I'd be lying if I said I'm not enjoying their self-destruction before the media. The only thing sweeter would have been sending the Rangers home in the same fashion.

  • ttommyunger

    Three words: Big Dumb Cunt.

  • Barrelhse

    Who cut the cheese?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      them's that posted it, hosted it.

  • bflrtsplk

    Actually, they sound the shofar at Rosh Hoshannah to celebrate the New Year. Yom Kippur is for repentance and you fast for 25 hours, but accuracy and the Washington Post, um, not so much.

    • MosesInvests

      The shofar is blown at the end of Yom Kippur, too. AND, Rosh Hashanah begins the Ten Days of Repentance that culminate in Yom Kippur. Many rabbis, most notably Maimonides, consider the shofar to be a wake-up call for repentance.

  • James Michael Curley

    You know that even Shirley Ellis could not make a decent rhyme out of "George", "Allen" or "Macaca" without loosing a few teeth.

    • tessiee

      Banana fana fo.

    • Biff

      Gah! Imagine what Jon McNaughton could do with that, if he was so inclined.

  • tessiee

    OT, but I feel that it's important:
    There's an online petition requesting that the Attorney General investigate Tagg Romney's owning voting machines in Ohio:

  • tessiee

    So, George Allen is simultaneously both a Southern Belle and a Jewish Princess?

    • Did George invite Lindsey Graham to his Bat Mitzvah?

    • Whistles Dixie while dialing out for reservations.

      • tessiee

        Tragically, his indecision over whether to call them hissy fits or conniption fits has prevented him from becoming world champion of flouncing out of a room.

  • Negropolis

    OT: Does anyone think Obama has any October Surprise in store before the month is out? I don't think he needs them to win, but I'd feel infinitely more comfortable to know he has some more information on Romney that has not yet been released.

    • Barrelhse

      Funny – the same thing crossed my mind this morning.

    • tessiee

      I heard Romney's got 10 or 12 years of dirt hiding in his tax returns.

    • BoroPrimorac

      It'd be awesome if he did something that would win him Florida. Right now Romney is up in the polls here and it's breaking my fucking heart watching my formerly moderate state become the crown princess of dumbfuckistan. I know, I know. We've been crazy as fuck for more than a decade, but I have been in denial. Now it's just too fucking obvious.

  • What football jersey will George rend on election night as he performs the keriah prior to sitting shiva for his political career?

  • LibrarianX

    Inexplicable need to hear: 96 Tears.

  • Barrelhse

    So. Who shall we laugh at today? "Nathan" "Sproul"?

  • OT: Wonkette has — Insofar — missed the big fallout from the Walsh/Duckworth debate the other night: Walsh's Akin-like claim that thanks to "modern science", a woman's life is never threatened by pregnancy and therefore there is no need for abortion to save the life of the mother. This has been all over local TV/print news, with reputable organizations like the Mayo Clinic and Northwestern School of Medicine speaking up to condemn the dickhead's ignorance. Now he's failing at walking it back.

    • Lot_49

      Proving once again that facts have a liberal bias.

    • Negropolis

      I heard this the other day and nearly puked. I had a cousin in here 30's die a few months ago from bleeding out during childbirth. Happiest and nicest young woman you'd ever meet.

      Tell me that science has removed the dangers of childbirth, you fucker. So, fuck you, Joe Walsh and the ill-gotten gains he rode in on.

  • OT:
    In case you haven't seen this:

    • BadKitty904

      Josh "Make the Voices Stop" Rmoney – *no* contest…

    • Lot_49

      Here's a four-clicker from TNR on Tagg, w/real reporting'n'stuff:

      The closer:

      The disdain [Mitt] Romney seems to feel for those who need government help, the condescension toward people who aren’t as privileged or successful, is jarring enough in its own right. But it’s even more jarring when you consider that almost all of us—Mitt and Tagg very much included—have needed help at some point in our lives. It’s just a matter of where that help comes from. That Mitt Romney would roll it back for those who have no place else to turn but government isn’t an act of virtue or tough love. It’s an act of hypocrisy.

    • tessiee

      So, according to the article, curly hair is an indication of bad genes?
      *thinks back over teens and twenties*
      That explains some… things.

    • Mittaplasia

      It would take thousands of years of breeding for that creepy gene to be diluted..something about the eyes. Maybe soullessness IS hereditary.

    • All of them, Katie.

    • Negropolis

      Something really throws me off about Ben. He seems to be the genuinely nicest one, but also the one least comfortable in his own skin and it really and loudly comes across.

      Creepiest, though? Matt, hands down. I'm also not partial to Ticc, Tacc, Sleepy, Dopey, or Grumpy Romney.

      EDIT: I read some of the comments on the article – something I really know I shouldn't do on Gawker, but couldn't help myself – and you have the inevitable "I thought the children were off limits" concern-trolling question. Of course, this totally misses the point that the Romney's Children of the Corn are all grown-ass men, all of them with children, themselves, I believe. I imagine that like most concern trolls, they know the difference between attacking children and attacking children, some of whom are on their daddy's campaign payroll.

      • BoroPrimorac

        The oldest Romney child is only five hundred and four months old.

      • OK, which one of you replied to the concern troll, (one of 5 replies pointing out their adulthood) with: "Shouldn't you be screwing your sister/mother right now?"

  • barto

    Menos-caca then.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Apparently Allen's nefarious plot has succeeded!!!!!!!!!!

    Meanwhile, Big Bil Broonzy tells us about The Glory of Love.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Moderator: Mr. Romney, your VP Paul Ryan has gone on the record at length that he was inspired to go into politics by Ayn Rand- former Presidential Candidate Ron Paul named his son, Senator Rand Paul, after the same person, though he denies it. Republicans love Ayn Rand, but have to deny her because she was a militant atheist, supporter of abortion rights and women's rights among other things. You named your oldest son Taggart Romney after Dagny Taggart, the heroine of Atlas Shrugged, Rand's culminating work. Will you please just admit it and tell us what Ayn Rand means to you?

  • ttommyunger

    Or, in Latin: Biggus, Dumbuss, Cuntuss.

  • ElPinche

    I see Matt Drudge's panties are in a twist over Gloria Allred's supposed October surprise . What's this all about? Smoke screen? Do we all get to see one of Ann's sister wives and how Romney loves the shackles?

    • Negropolis

      Ruh-roh! If it doesn't involve a sexual harrassment allegation I will be absolutely shocked.

      • ElPinche

        She better hurry though. Tagg Romney is furiously rewiring those voting machines as we speak.

  • ElPinche

    Macaca is so boring that all his photoshops are intentionally gaussian blurred to give them some oomf.

  • James Michael Curley

    OT Negropolis suggested some where up there "Will there be an October Surprise?"

    Looks like its cooking with the NYTimes citing unnamed Administration Sources regarding a US-Iran only discussion regarding nuclear capability. Interesting caveat for the Times and the suggestion it may be a bogus lead is the issue that further talks cannot proceed until after the election.

    Still if it gets confirmed this is a game changer.
    Even if it doesn't get confirmed and in tomorrow nights debate Romney goes near the subject he steps on his dick again. Just about anything Romney could say burns him.

    • Negropolis

      It's crazy, because I think that could actually work against the president. There is a prevailing attitude that we don't talk directly with Iran. Unless the announcement is that they are halting their nuclear program, I fear this could be a wash, at best. We've been spurned by "talks" before. Just think of North Korea. It's why I'm a little confused as to why this was leaked, as it was obviously leaked by someone either in the campaign or administration, and not an opponent.

      • James Michael Curley

        You seem to have hit the nail on the head with it being reported today the Lindsey Graham is proclaiming that the ‘time for talk is over’. But, of course old Blood ‘n’ Guts Lindsey will lead that charge right into those underground bunkers. I’m off today to visit some of my PTSD buddies so I’m not in a very civil mood to hear that kind of crap.

  • OT

    One of America's real heroes passed, George McGovern. He was an Army Air Corp vet who flew 35 missions over Germany and whose medals included the Distinguished Flying Cross. George is perhaps best remembered for his pursuit of peace in uniting those opposed to the Vietnam War during his run for the White House in 1972, and his fierce opposition to Dubbya's war in Iraq.

    God's speed George, we'll miss you.

    • VinnyThePooh

      B-24 Liberator named The Dakota Queen. I am in fuckin' tears this morning.

    • chascates

      I'd suggest a biography of him titled 'When Character Was King' except that title was used by Peggy Noonan in praise of her saint. Who fought World War II in Culver City, California.

  • 3 days with nothing but this post?! Mission Accomplished, George!!

    • chascates

      Guess all the editors are saving their snark for tomorrow's debate?

Previous articleCollege Newspaper Frowns Upon Springsteenian Merry-Making, For Such Frivolity Is But A Pale Shadow Of Serious Politics
Next articleSundays With The Christianists: With This ‘World History’ Textbook, Your Homeschooled Babbies Will Not Evolve