"Me & Julio Down by the Schoolyard" To Be Even More Obscure

Filthy iPads Finally Murder Newsweek Print Edition

Ha Ha! Your medium is dying!We hope you damn hipsters with your Kindlepads and iNookies are happy. Newsweek, a bastion of middle-brow media culture since its 1933 inception, will convert to an all-digital format in 2013, according to an announcement today on Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency.

We mostly remember Newsweek from our college days as “the one that’s a dollar cheaper for the student subscription” and as the originator of the “Conventional Wisdom Watch,” which taught a post-Reagan America how to snark, although more recently it was also known as “the one that didn’t darken its O.J. mugshot cover” and “the one with that stupid ‘Muslim Rage’ cover.” The publication had long been a loss-leader for the Washington Post / Kaplan Test-Prep Company, which sold it in 2010 to Tina Brown’s Home for Disgraced Journalists. Brown’s announcement today insists that

We are transitioning Newsweek, not saying goodbye to it. We remain committed to Newsweek and to the journalism that it represents. This decision is not about the quality of the brand or the journalism—that is as powerful as ever. It is about the challenging economics of print publishing and distribution.

In other (and somewhat shocking) news, Newsweek isn’t able to make a go of it in print even with 1.5 million subscribers. Apparently photoshops of Old Princess Di don’t come cheap.

[Daily Beast]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. Weenus299

    As a collagist, I am really fucking pissed. I JUST renewed a subscription to Tina Brown and her shitty magazine just so I can have something to cut on weekends.

      1. Weenus299

        How do I get a printer? It's just as well. Newsweek and Time both have gone to very poor paper stock in recent years. The paper they use is barely thicker than tissue paper and it wrinkles easily. I may have to get a sophisticated printing thing sooner or later. Just so I can print things from Tina Brown's Fucking Shitty Magazine She And those Other Brits Completely Destroyed.

        1. actor212

          Try a fashion magazine.

          Magazine, in case you don't know, is something you find on a "newsstand" with glossy…what? What's a newsstand?

          Oh brother…*koffkoff* Get of fmy lawn!

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            That's easy! "Newsstand" is that one little wooden app that Apple moved my measly 10-article-a-month NYT app into on my iPhone, so I would peck around wondering what the fuck happened to it.

  2. OneYieldRegular

    This is terrible news. Guess I'll have to rely entirely on TIME for what will be now be an entirely lopsided cover story on the historical Jesus.

  3. memzilla

    [Tina Brown:] "We are transitioning Newsweek…"

    Yeah, just like Mitt Rmoney "transitioned" dozens of American companies.

    Career Tip: If your boss ever connects the words "transition" and "committed to" together in a meeting, it's time to freshen your résumé.

    1. Weenus299

      It does make it easy for Tina Brown to move all the editorial staff of her Shitty Magazine back to Merrie Olde Englande. So theye canne commente aboute Colonial elections, what what!

  4. Beowoof

    Where will Niall Ferguson land? I hope back in socialist Ireland, but I am pretty sure they don't want the useless fuck.

  5. gullywompr

    Who could have predicted this? Oh wait… everyboody.

    I'm still waiting for office supply stores to go belly up (I cannot stand desktop printers with their paper and their ink and their obsolescence). So long, Staples, you brick and mortar dinosaur.

        1. actor212

          *WHEEEEEEEEEEZE* Well, let me *koffkoff* tell you…it all goes back to when you could buy paper 5 bees to the ream….we called them bees because nickels back then had pictures of bumblebees on them…

  6. SnarkOff

    Aw, I miss the print media. The computer screen just doesn't have the same delicious new-magazine smell.

      1. SnarkOff

        Trouble is, I'm not convinced that the inevitable poisons in our groundwater from all of those discarded Kindles and Nooks will be any better for the environment.

    1. grace_nearing

      That new-magazine smell is from volatile off-gasses that give that heavenly smell to carcinogenesis. Same with new cars.

      1. Beowoof

        Gee a couple of naughty words and I am now persona non grata. Make a crack about sending Niall Ferguson back to Ireland and boom, you're in the need approval list.

          1. HistoriCat

            Potty words are not usually a problem. Intense Debate has some mysterious hiccups that no one really understands.

    1. HistoriCat

      You're a canine in a feline-centric world?

      Or, more seriously, it could be part of the mysterious Intense Debate workings which no one understands.

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    In the good news category, that's 284 tons of newsprint that won't be bought from Georgia-Pacific and it's Kochsuckers.

  8. el_donaldo

    Or, Newsweek needs to find a way to honor obligations to advertisers while not paying anymore printing costs until they can justifiably call it quits.

    Or maybe the history gods are punishing them for publishing that awful Niall Ferguson piece.

  9. SorosBot

    Now who is going to claim that they have proof that heaven is totally real or that the Jesus of the Bible really for sure existed?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      There's always WND, where Jeebus, UFOs, sasquatch, and conservatard "values" get fair and balanced treatment.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    It's a sort of post-romantic era to transition into, yes. Love affairs with dated household pasttimes never end well. Like when Tim Allen looked at his teevee wife that one time early 90s and said "Well I fell in love with ya. I'll fall apart with ya too."
    Then he went over to the ToolTime® girl, took her gently by the elbow, together walked offstage from Richard Karn and Patricia Richardson never saw her husband again.

  11. Tequila Mockingbird

    America has apparently not been buying enough copies of magazines featuring stories about Photoshopped Royals, Mommy Porn or Hipster Jesus. SHAME ON YOU, AMERICA.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I am buying all the mommy porn I can get! Although I really don't know why, those nipples scare me.

  12. tihond

    My high school-era, Newsweek-reading self cries a single tear. Hang in there dude, someday you'll touch a boob.

    1. actor212

      The TV screen that's permanently tuned to the local FOX channel?

      I swear to God, every fucking office, laundromat and diner in NYC has FOX5! on 24-7.

      Why, dear God? Why????

      1. PugglesRule

        Because it's on every single basic cable package in the universe.

        No snark, just ugly, ugly truth.

  13. rickmaci

    RIP. Electronic edition will not cure the problem of lackluster journalism, badly written stories and generally irrelevant or dated content. IMHO.

    1. SnarkOff

      Nope. All of those problems are side-effects of advertiser-sponsored journalism and won't to go away until readers step up and pay for content. And we know they never will.

    2. rickmaci

      The problem isn't that consumers won't pay for content. I would pay, as would most people that use this site, I believe. The problem is the business model for delivering the content and the pricing. iTunes was set up to deliver on a per song basis because they figured out people didn't always want to buy the whole disk, generally they only wanted a few of the songs they liked. They also got the pricing right for their consumer. Seems there is more work to be done with the business of selling written content.

      1. PugglesRule

        Indeed. If I thought I was getting $30/yr of news from a web news organization like Newsweek, I might be willing to plunk that down. But given the plethora (verging on a googleplex) of news outlets online, I would have to be getting ALL my news from Newsweek (for instance) to justify paying for it. If that makes any sense.

    3. La_Cieca

      Nonsense! Everyone wants to read a constant and unremitting flow of stories about Princess Diana. I mean, if you accept it as a given that by "everyone" you mean "Tina Brown."

  14. Callyson

    We are transitioning Newsweek, not saying goodbye to it.

    I'd settle if you'd say goodbye to Tina Brown…

  15. Tequila Mockingbird

    Next, I predict the automobile will put the horse and carriage industry out of business.

  16. Estproph

    Now how will they put those flyaway subscription cards that fall out every time you turn a page onto a Kindle?

  17. Lucidamente1

    "Newsweek does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of its spiritual existence after death."

  18. ManchuCandidate

    It's not as much the iPads but the constantly shitty content. There is a reason why my dad (a former subscriber) called it Newsweak.

    I used to subscribe to magazines (I see you Economist and Time) but the simple/dumb analysis, editorial drivel and self congratulating bullshit (really? Is this how you treat me, Time's 2006 person of the year?) drove me to the intertubes. Here I can get my newz with porn and marry an Asian ads and I don't mind (sort of.)

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Aww man, you get the Asian ones? I just get the shitty Russian ones. I've seen Law & Order – those gals'll cut ya.

  19. el_donaldo

    I don't think my dad has ever recovered from U.S. News & World Report ceasing its print edition.

    There's going to be a whole generation of olds sitting in their retirement home rocking chairs turning invisible pages out of habit.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      They can subscribe to Reminisce, which just reprints old stuff under the headline "Remember When…"

      1. el_donaldo

        They stopped two years ago. In fact, I'm not sure if they're anything but a website that ranks colleges by now.

  20. MissTaken

    For the past 8 years, despite moving several times and never paying for a subscription, I've received print editions of Vogue every single month. Can't Vogue go digital so I can continue to completely ignore it without the added perk of dead trees?

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      It has been Jesus who has been paying for your Vogue subscription all along, even though you have turned your face from Him! Won't you please accept Him into your life now, along with this Chanel scratch-n-sniff perfume card?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        My precious, precious child, where you see only one set of footprints, that was when I was carrying your Vogue. And where the footprints are all jumbled up? The Hendersons' goddamn dog attacked Me.

        1. MosesInvests

          "But why was there only one set of footprints, Lord?" "My child, the Sandpeople ride single file to hide their numbers."

  21. eggsacklywright

    I came this close to canceling my subscription to the New Yorker because of Brown. One more article about Michael Eisner would've done it.

  22. sbj1964

    Dr.we have a flat line.Ok people I'm calling it PRINT IS DEAD.Time of death the 21sy century.Toe tag it,and bag it.

  23. Disassembly

    I must remember to bring my iPad to the grocery store so I can continue to ignore Newsweek there.

  24. Ruhe

    Can't Big Pharma keep the print edition alive just for distribution in Doctor's offices? I sort of felt that was what the thing was produced for anyway.

  25. gullywompr

    This trend must stop! How am I going to get my picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone if there is no cover?

  26. MissTaken

    Everyone knows the only news fit to print these days are about Kanye fucking Kim and if the sparkly vampire is dumb to take back K-Stew.

    1. Antispandex

      It's so nice to see that there are still people who know the really important topics of our day! I'm just sad, what with their show ending, my girls will not be able to keep me abreast of the latest trends in Italian-American New Jersey style and manners. Bummer.

  27. arduinohacker

    So are dentist's waiting rooms going to set out iPads? Oh wait, there are always 5-year old copies of the dentist's "Yachting" magazine.

  28. prommie

    Was him and Julio gay sexing down in the schoolyard, or just smoking the ganja? I never could figure that shit out, after all these years. Kodachrome, too, what was up with that? Dick-pics?

  29. Jerri

    But will Tina Brown and Steve Inskeep still talk on NPR and tell me what I need to read now and then? I'm afraid my rage levels will dip below sustainable levels if I don't get that periodic, massive infusion of smug, self-important pseudo-intellectual pomposity.

  30. Chet Kincaid_

    Nice obit, Dok. I'm a teeny bit wistful, as I probably learned more from Newsweek in the '80s and '90s than from my education at Last Resort Community College and Mediocre State/Cornfields, and as I've said before, if you can't spare an hour a week for a mag like Newsweek, you have no fucking excuse for being ignorant. There was something to be said for having a few authoritative sources for information with the resources to check facts and get shit right, as opposed to every dipshit being vouched for by every other dipshit on the Internet 'cause pixels are "free".

  31. not that Dewey

    When he's at home and he blows his nose
    He don't use tissues or his sleeve
    He don't use napkins or any of these
    He uses magazines

  32. Antispandex

    But….but….Who will make up for the trees that won't need to be needlessly wasted? Please tell me that they are still printing important stuff like People, Style, U.S. News and World Report, and Mad Magazine!

  33. actor212

    Put it this way.

    You know the phrase "Keep Fuckin' That Chicken"? That was on FOX5! news. I think they have a Hispanic anchoress, and two black weathermen. I don't really watch them much so I'm not sure but I can tell you that the morning crew makes my skin crawl (Mike Kelly is police chief Ray Kelly's son, and an alleged sexual predator)

  34. BadKitty904

    Per Vanity Fair:

    "Pairing stock images and incendiary statements at random and slapping them on the cover did not, in the end, turn out to be a business-saving publishing model."

  35. synykyl

    Cool. Now I can not read it on my iPad instead of not reading it in print. That's much more convenient.

  36. GeneralLerong

    Hey-y-y-y-y…will all those "People of the Book" soon be regarded as medieval dimwits?

    Can we have bonfires?

  37. ttommyunger

    "FILTHY IPADS FINALLY MURDER NEWSWEEK PRINT EDITION"- Well, somebody had to put it out of its misery.

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