sic semper tucker's anus

America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley

There has been, perhaps, no transgression in American debate history worse than when, in the middle of Tuesday’s townhall debate, Candy Crowley swung from the rafters and literally probably shot Mitt Romney in the back of the head by correcting him, according to Tucker Carlson.

For most of the play, John Wilkes Booth sat there politely. But it was the moment when he didn’t that changed history. I thought this was the definitive moment in this debate. . . . This changed the debate. This is exactly what moderators are not supposed to do. This is the one thing you fear they will do.

That seems like a reasonable interpretation of a brief, yet completely accurate, interruption (THAT FOX NEWS HID OUT OF DISHONESTY). Hopefully, this interpretation of history and politics finally earns Carlson the respect he deserves as a reprehensible, desperate meatpile with a closet full of mouldering bow ties.

Let’s not forget the rest of the panel, who eagerly buy into the idea that we should elect as President a man who unfairly got interrupted once and then floundered his way through the rest of the most important public moment of his life because of the emotional gunshot he received.

Candy Crowley, you’re the absolute worst. We all hope Steven Spielberg CGIs your face in at the end of Lincoln, so all Americans get the message that you are the bitter interrupting bile demon of democracy.

[Media Matters]

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178 comments

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And the owner of the boarding house where she stayed? Will be hanged as a co-conspirator.

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Oh you silly vile piece of bow tie wearing amphibian shit Tucker. If Mittens was thinking then he should have gotten CNN's CEO to threaten her job and then she would have fallen in line.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    This is exactly what moderators are not supposed to do. This is the one thing you fear they will do.

    Substitute "women" for "moderators" and I'm sure Todd Akin would agree, Candy: Not Very Ladylike Moderating! BE VERY AFRAID OF THE WOMAN WHO THINKS OUTSIDE HER BOX

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      I thought the Romney campaign message to women was for them to stop thinking with their boxes, because it's very incovnenient to the whole "outlaw birth control and defund planned parenthood" agenda if women aren't ignoring that.

    2. MegPasadena

      You are exactly right. They are furious that a mere woman dared to correct their hero alpha male.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I think we should have an annual hyperbole award show like the Oscars.
      That would be the most awesome fucking award show ever in the history of the world!!!

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Just because the definition of the word moderator is to arbitrate, or "reach an authoritative judgment or settlement" over a debate doesn't mean this bitch has the right to actively settle anything when one is OBVIOUSLY LYING AND WRONG. Shut up and do…your…job? What? Fuck these people. Especially Tucker.

    1. Boojum

      And what the fuck is up with this "the part where she corroborated a statement by the President of the United States that was utterly false", used to refer to the statement by the POTUS that was irrefutably true? Fuckers have no shame.

  4. elviouslyqueer

    Tucker, we all know you want Barry to bend you over and fuck you with his immense black schlong. But seriously, man, you have got to be more direct and actually ask instead of relying on attention-whoring foreplay, which doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

    Just trying to help!

    EQ

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Please don't make it sound like Tucker and I have anything in common. Ever.

      No disrespect to Michelle, of course.

  5. Toomush_Infer

    Not only did she interject, but "apparently" (I'm trademarking the quotes around that apparently), she "lied"…. umm, using the "facts", I guess…..

  6. thefrontpage

    Tucker Carlson is a moron and an idiot.

    Candy Crowley should run for president in 2016.

    The fact that moronic and idiotic far-righters are upset with Crowley just shows that she did her job well.

    Crowley for President 2016!

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Doesn't seem to be the same girl that was in the bag for the Bush family in 2000, following their bus with puppy love in her eyes…

    2. eggsacklywright

      Actually, I'm surprised she called Mittz on it. She's not a liberal, and certainly not progressive.

      1. rebelyankee

        Well, I guess even a rabid conservative would eventually get tired of Romney's condescension and rudeness and feel the need to put him in his place. She even scolded him to sit down like the little hyperactive elementary school child he is.

  7. BadKitty904

    I'm kinda new to all this, so I genuinely don't know. Does this little pissant, with his This-is-the-one-thing-you-fear-they-will-do, regularly debate in public?

    1. JustPixelz

      He used to be on a CNN debate show called "Crossfire". The premise of the show was people arguing from left/right perspectives. One day they had Jon Stewart "in the crossfire". Stewart took Carlson and the other show host to task for "hurting America" with the divisive rhetoric built into the show's structure. Carlson was flabbergasted. His snappy retort (in a pleading tone): "You're supposed to be funny."

      So, No, Tucker Carlson does not debate in public anymore.

      1. BadKitty904

        Hmm. Doesn't sound like he was actually debating much even then.

        But thank you for the background. Now, I know! :0)

  8. actor212

    Jesse, Wonket tradition demands that you post the Qiana shirt picture of Fucker anytime his name is mentioned. It's a prophylactic to him ever appearing here.

    1. Cicada

      My personal favorite is the one of Tucker in a Snuggie. He still manages to look like someone jammed a giant stick up his ass even when being "wacky."

  9. Goonemeritus

    I think it is clear that the right despite what they are saying thinks their guy lost based on the amount of bitching they are doing about Ms. Crowley.

  10. Weenus299

    "For most of the play, John Wilkes Booth sat there politely. But it was the moment when he didn’t that changed history."

    HE DIDN'T ATTEND THE PLAY. He entered the theater backstage and, knowing the below-stage layout as he was an actor there, crept underneath the theater to the front, entered the foyer of the theater from a basement door, went upstairs and silently entered the first box area, barred the door with a stick he pre-placed, then slipped into the presidential box.

    I fucking hate these creeps, the way they hunt around for cute things to say.

    1. GregComlish

      You left out the part where John Wilkes Booth succinctly corrected Lincoln's claim that Frederick Douglass had not actually used the word "slavery"

  11. Indiepalin

    Romney may not be able to handle Candy Crowley, but when it comes time to stare down Vladimir Putin, I have all the confidence in the world in Mitt.

  12. Joshua Norton

    Ooooooh! Facts bad!

    Mittens got bitch slapped with the bloody shirt he was trying to wave. Deal with it wingnutz.

    Next up on Fox Noise: Michelle Obama clapping for her husband was exactly like Pearl Harbor.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    It isn't the moderator, Tucker.

    What Willard's real problem is that he reminds everybody of the shittiest bosses they've had and bitched about. All he has to do is open his fucking mouth and start in with his spastic, staccato speaking style and you just want to punch that cocksucker right in the chops.

  14. drewehartnyc

    What scares me – yesterday I was looking at cameras on Amazon – today, there is an ad on Wonkette by Amazon for cameras – big brother is here and his name is cookies.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Doesn't always work. I spent all day yesterday making on line purchases for my brothers Christmas presents and have yet to see one ad for midget porn

      1. YouBetcha

        I once dated a 40 year old divorced white supremacist who was kicked off the police force and lived with his mother. You think I'm going to let a little bow tie stand in my way? Bring it on Tucker, you sniveling whining man-child.

  15. ManchuCandidate

    The post debate reaction from the right is very telling.

    We saw on the Demrat side after the 1st debate (and any stupid excuses from the left were laughed off) panic and despair then we saw a lot of introspection and analysis.

    Joe Biden's curb stomping stopped the "bleeding" and Obamer in two moments took it to Mittens.

    What kind of response has the right given? "Waaaaah"

    1. actor212

      Right? We all wondered if Obama had a bad night or if there was something wrong with the guy who was actually on stage, screwing up.

      With these guys, it's all "The sun was in his eyes, his glove was too big, it rained the night before."

      Like they want a trophy just for showing up or something.

    2. Gleem McShineys

      From your post, it's almost like you think they can never ever accept blame for anything!

      Where in the world did you formulate such an odd notion?

  16. hagajim

    Woman looked like a linebacker in that chair and she just stone cold blitzed Mittens with a factual red dog….she must be a commie. And now I have my football analogy out of my system.

  17. mrpuma2u

    Candy 's fact check of Willard did not instantly turn him into a loathsome, out of touch elitist wanker that most people can't relate to. He has been one for decades and will continue to be one.

  18. Incitefully_Joe

    Other than that, Mrs. Carlson, how did you like the debate?

    I ask, because it was abundantly clear that Mittens stunk the whole room up pretty much the whole way through, so while the fact that Candy Crowley told him he was full of shit might have been the capstone of the evening, it was also pretty superfluous. Everyone else already knew.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Yup. The crying and tantrums show how bad this has been for Mittens. Joe Biden's stomping of Paul Ryan stopped the poll bleeding and Obama's performance on Tuesday capped off a very horrible week for Mittens/Outofhisleague 2012.

  19. MistaEko

    Candy would have tuck-rolled the landing and wouldn't have broken her leg. This makes her deft move even more epic.

  20. Mittens Howell, III

    Candy Crowley is a nice person, and incapable of being an assassin.

    However, Mitt's sons (Wad, Jiz, Cum, Spunk, and Sploodge) were definitely radiating a John Wilkes Booth vibe up there in the audience.

  21. LesBontemps

    I'm sorry, but Candy Crowley pointing out one actual fact that Mitt was in the middle of lying about is only the slightest redemption for letting that robot walk all over her for the other 96 minutes.

  22. Joshua Norton

    Candy Crowley, you’re the absolute worst.

    The funny part about this is most of the time she IS the worst. Most of her shows are usually spent fluffing the latest wingnut talking points.

    Maybe she's bucking for a cameo appearance on the second season of "Newsroom".

  23. LibertyLover

    Since Mitt can't stand up to Candy Crowley, does this mean that he will cower in fear under the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom at the thought of KimJong Il's son?

    1. Kid_Charlemagne

      "Mr. Romney, your campaign has the momentum of a run-away freight train. To what do you attribute your popularity?"

  24. sbj1964

    Mitt was rude,crass,dismissive,lying,and being an arrogant asshole.What people should be afraid of if elected he tried that shit on a world leader with an army,and possibly nukes.He showed he is to dangerous a machine to be the President.

  25. LibertyLover

    Well, I'm sure that things will return to normal with the return of Bob Schieffer on Monday. Fox News and Tucker (never held a real job in his life) Carlson can change their own diapers and keep their powder dry until then.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Clearly it's President Obama's fault that he did so poorly in the first debate. And equally clearly, when Mitt spent the second debate looking like a fact-free, uptight, autocratic goon who wasn't getting his own way, it was the fault of everybody but him. The buck stops elsewhere!

  27. Chichikovovich

    It is well known that Putin never interrupts the person sitting across the table from him when that person is spinning out a transparently false bullshit narrative. So we don't have to worry about Mittens turning into a sputtering, blathering tub of goo at the negotiating table if he were to become President. That's reassuring.

    1. Negropolis

      It is well known that Putin never interrupts the person sitting across the table from him when that person is spinning out a transparently false bullshit narrative.

      You're right. They just find armed thugs at their apartment building's door when they return home for the night.

  28. Lot_49

    Festering pustule Lou Dobbs asks if "you have any way to excuse the commission using that format…" Uh, Lou, "the commission" is the candidates. They both agreed.

    Were there Mexicans on the commission? Maybe that's the root of the problem. Maybe Candy Crowley is a secret Mexican.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      No idea. I googled but all I seem to get is photos of someone's dingus with a bowtie on it.

  29. LibertyLover

    What's Mitt gonna do in a G8 or G12 or G24 Summit when someone interrupts him to point out something that he said was wrong?

  30. Cleopatriot

    John Wilkes Booth didn't sit there quietly for most of the play. He wasn't there to watch a play. He went in, shot Lincoln, and left.

    Mother of pearl, learn some history!

  31. CthuNHu

    Stupid women with their stupid "telling the truth" and their stupid feminist "not being grovelingly subservient to men."

  32. magic_titty

    A black guy stole one of his girlfriends at some point. There can be no other explanation for him.

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    Swinging down from the rafters to shoot him? Funny, I though it was more like Candy Crowley putting six million Mitt's in death camps.

  34. TavariousChinaSmith

    How dare a moderator call our candidate on his bullshit in the middle of a debate! Look, if we can't fool all of the people all of the time, we got nothing.

  35. TavariousChinaSmith

    Apart from John Wilkes Booth shooting Lincoln, this is almost as bad as the time liberal Edward R Murrow interfered in the legitimate political process by exposing Real American Joe McCarthy as a sociopath.

  36. Toomush_Infer

    "Mr. Putin, let me get this straight… "…..I'm pretty sure in a cage match, Putin would kick his silly ass around the ring…

  37. An_Outhouse

    Those guys don't watch many real debates do they? There's one on PBS 'Doha' something and the moderator routinely tears new assholes in all the participants. Its fun to watch just because the moderator is so unpredictable.

    1. LagunaB

      I learned to debate at the dinner table with my father taking the repub side. I would have my head routinely delivered to me on a plate. I learned to debate. Unfortunately, most people do not know how to and it is therefore a waste of time to 'discuss' issues. With my husband, I have my say and walk away. He needs time to think. The good news is that he now listens to NPR/etc. and is better informed, but we still do not debate. It is a skill.

  38. pdiddycornchips

    Tucker is such a social climber. It's sad to watch him try so hard to endear himself with the upper crust. He has to know when they finally complete our transition to feudalism, he'll be their spit boy.

  39. Nowisallthereis

    The thing I liked best was when Mutt almost came in his magic underwear when he thought he had caught Bamz in a lie. It was priceless.

    I also wish his skid-mark of a son had gone down to the stage an tried to whup Bamz.

  40. JustPixelz

    Debate rule agreed to by Romney:

    5 (e): "The candidates may not ask each other direct questions during any of the four debates.

    Romney grilled Obama about his pension, drilling permits, Libya. I don't recall Obama asking Romney anything.

    (Romney also doesn't follow the rules of arithmetic. "Of course it adds up!")

    Where is the outrage Fox?

    1. Gleem McShineys

      At FOX, we believe in the highest standards of fairness, balance and journalistic traditions.

      Such as "I'm rubber, you're glue! The outrage bounces off me and sticks to you!"

      And in summation "Neener neener, poopypants"

  41. MissTaken

    This is exactly what moderators are not supposed to do. This is the one thing you fear they will do.

    Tucker's right. Each night when I go to bed I stay awake from fear that a debate moderator may speak during a debate. I get chills just thinking about it.

  42. wapitiscat

    Maybe I was too drunk or not drunk enough, but didn't CanCrow eventually stammer something to the effect that they were both right. That Obama had indeed referred to the events as "acts of terror" the following day and that there was a span of two weeks before the details regarding the riot vs. attack came to light. These guys stopped listening after she corrected Mittens.

      1. FlownOver

        Except for the part where Willard said it was two weeks before The Bammer referred to an "act of terror." They can't both be right on that one.

        Oops. Seems I forgot the snark.

    1. shelwood46

      Also too, Romney totally paused and fucking implored Crowley to speak up, thinking she'd back him up. It's not like she jumped in out of nowhere.

  43. VeraSevera

    She one hella binder full of Woman that one. Mittens'll think twice before he pops the rings on Big Candy again.

  44. Native_of_SL_UT

    The biggest problem with Tuckers analogy is that after Boothe shot Lincoln, Booth ran off and hid, not Lincoln.

  45. Anne_Athema

    Nearly immediately upon hitting play, and for the entire two-odd minutes (it seemed an eternity), a vision began to develop as I listened:

    Dobbs on his back, a fat, diapered infant with adult face waving a rattle about,and subsequently striking himself with each ratlle wave. Carlson as same adult- faced baby-type, losing his binky and screaming until it is replaced. Shoen, a man-faced one year old, playing with his own feces. Lastly a pinched-faced McPike, a toddler who holds her breath until she passes out.

    Gee, I wonder why.

  46. imissopus

    Hell, that was the one moment in the debate when the entire audience burst into applause even though they had all agreed not to. Even they knew Mittens was full of shit and were sick of listening to it.

  47. OneYieldRegular

    Such a perfectly reasonable thought, to compare a professional journalist moderating a debate to an actual ASSASSIN.

  48. BoroPrimorac

    I doubt anyone outside the GOP bubble gives one single shit about calling the Benghazi attacks an act of terror.

  49. owhatever

    The Martha Raddatz steamroller was followed by the M1A1 Candy Crowley, which is why most women should be paid less than polite girls like Tucker Carlson.

  50. Gleem McShineys

    This is politics, Tucker. Did you think we were playing dress-up like anachronistic-hipster-fucksticks?

    Facts matter.

    Mitt squalked so loudly like an unlubricated robot in order to press home his GREAT GOTCHA MOMENT, which promptly fell over when confronted with one simple thing: facts.

    Your man tripped over the facts in his mad flailing eyebrow-raising rush to score some incoherent bingo point. Much to the audience's delight.

    Candy Crowley didn't drop that inconvenient fact in his path; HISTORY DID.

    Suck it up, cryboy.

  51. lulzmonger

    THAT coven of gibbering microcephalics is Fox's "A-Team"?!?
    SRSLY?

    MR. T LIBEL!

    Tucker Carlson = best argument ever for outlawing inheritances over $1 million.

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