POST SEPTEMBER 11 MINDSET  4:38 pm October 17, 2012

Creative Legal Thinker John Yoo: Not Deporting Children Is More Unconstitutional Than Crushing Their Balls

by Kris E. Benson

John Yoo, examining the hand that wrote the Torture MemoIn these uncertain times, it is comforting to know some things never change.  Like John Yoo, who you may remember as the author of the Torture Memos during the Bush Administration! Has he had a change of heart about helping the American government justify its use of torture on detainees captured in the course of the War on Terror? Has he finally decided that in fact, it would be illegal to crush a child’s testicles in order to get his father to talk? No, he has not. He has, in fact, turned his attention to more pressing matters, like Obama’s refusal to deport teenagers who came to this country as undocumented children. Do you even KNOW about Hitler? Or Stalin? Because if you do your research, you’ll find that this is the first step along a short path towards authoritarianism, and thank God John Yoo, Torture Memo author, is here to warn us.

From Esquire, quoting John Yoo:

As a Justice Department lawyer in the Bush administration, I took the view that the White House could refuse to carry out an unconstitutional law that infringed on the president’s commander-in-chief authority to manage war and defend the national security. I agree that our immigration system demands fundamental reform, particularly in how it treats those brought here as infants. But the president cannot refuse to enforce a law simply because he disagrees with it.

So when the president BREAKS a law — and a hundred years of precedent, give or take — because he disagrees with it, that’s one thing. But when he refuses to ENFORCE a law, well, that’s another matter entirely.

But wait, there’s more! (Still John Yoo here, still via Esquire):

There is a world of difference between putting aside laws that interfere with an executive response to an attack on the country, as in Sept. 11, 2001, and ignoring laws to appeal to a constituency vital to re-election.

“Putting aside laws that interfere with an executive response” is a fancy phrase for “ignoring or breaking laws that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney deem inconvenient.” And we guess we finally agree with John Yoo for once: there IS a “world of difference” between justifying torture — including, and we’ll just say it again, crushing a child’s nutsack to get his dad to talk – and refusing to deport undocumented immigrants brought to this country as infants or toddlers.


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BoroPrimorac October 17, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Yoo needs to be enhanced interrogated.

Negropolis October 17, 2012 at 11:29 pm

And, for once, not with votes but with car batteries and pliers and whatever else. But, no, not votes.

DahBoner October 18, 2012 at 8:57 am

Kinda suspicious that Yoo gets a new cordless drill every Xmas…

sbj1964 October 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Battery cables to the Cock & Balls works every time.I know I would sing like a bird.

elviouslyqueer October 17, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Oh, Fuck Yoo.

Dashboard_Jesus October 18, 2012 at 1:24 am

it had to be said

actor212 October 17, 2012 at 5:23 pm
GunToting[Redacted] October 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Wow, people usually say that stuff like this makes them speechless, but apparently this really did.

comrad_darkness October 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

This is who Murdoch and the Koch Brothers expect Romney to pick for the Supreme Court, right?

Also: "We've always been at war with Eastasia."

Pat_Pending October 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I'm crossing his name off the dinner party list.

Nothingisamiss October 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Guest or main course?

Pat_Pending October 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

Hmmm… Yoo is such a fatty meat.

Advn2rgirl October 18, 2012 at 7:03 am

I'm *sure* lot letting him babysit.

ProgressiveInga October 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Who are Yoo? I really want to know!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 17, 2012 at 5:33 pm

In case it ever comes up, I will volunteer to torture Mr. Yoo.
Of course my idea of torture involves Barry Manilow recordings, KFC mashed potatoes and my epileptic cat Dante. I’m fairly certain that Mr.Yoo would find MY methods unconstitutional.

JadedPreppy October 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm

John clearly does not have Gangnam Style.
The Speedy Gonzalez USB drive I just saw at Staples would probably wedge nicely up his urethra if the tables were ever turned.

HogeyeGrex October 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Two words: Garden Weasel.

Nothingisamiss October 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Up his urethra with votes.

Trannysurprise October 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

He should really just stick to making those catchy videos for the kids and stay away from politics.

HeadsIWin October 17, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Wurst person in the world? We have a wiener.

gullywompr October 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Wait, I see the problem – Mr. Yoo thought he was working as a judge in the Judicial Branch rather than as a lawyer in the Executive Branch. Simple mistake, anyone could make it…

Callyson October 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

This fucker teaches at my alma mater. EVERY Berkeley alum I know is deeply ashamed of this fact.

sbj1964 October 17, 2012 at 5:51 pm

He,Bush,and Dick should be facing war crime charges.

bikerlaureate October 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Yup. The next thing we need to hear from this sadist is his plea, while standing in the dock at the Hague.

HogeyeGrex October 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

He is one of the very, very few things that make me question the entire concept of tenure.

pdiddycornchips October 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

What? Pol Pot was unavailable so they went with their second choice?

BerkeleyBear October 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

But at least they took away his access to first years. The fact that the wuss won't leave after basically being given a window job tells you all you need to know about his character (and how much the right will really put their money where their mouth is).

Jukesgrrl October 18, 2012 at 1:39 am

What happened to the good ole days when Berkeley students would have been badass enough to protest this criminal right out of his job?

Callyson October 18, 2012 at 1:54 am
snowpointsecret October 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Just listening to Yoo may qualify as torture.

edgydrifter October 17, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I wouldn't trust John Yoo to interpret the fucking Dungeon Master's Guide.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 17, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Hey John Yoo! Guess what! You just won a free trip to The Netherlands! First stop: The Hague!


bikerlaureate October 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

You beat me to it (probably due to a higher nicotine level, but I'm working on that now) – but it can't be said too often.
"Looking forward instead of looking back" was justification for an enormous mistake. Then again I still don't want my tax dollars paying for secret CIA prisons and interrogation centers, so I'm just a quaint hippie.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Eh, if I had a nickel for every time I repeated someone else's comment I'd have at least $8 by now.

JudasPeckerwood October 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Talk about a face made for punching. Um, with votes, of course.

HogeyeGrex October 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Votes are made of 5/8" rebar, aren't they?

Fare la Volpe October 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Or brass. Either one.

CommieLibunatic October 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I'll just settle for Justice Punches. They're pretty much just regular punches, except you scream "JUSTICE!!!" with each blow.

BoatOfVelociraptors October 17, 2012 at 5:57 pm

If YOO want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a child's nutsack—forever.

calliecallie October 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Crush a child's testicles to get his father to talk?

I think someone needs employ this tactic to make John Yoo's father talk.

Fairtackle October 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

His work has really gone downhill since Face/Off.

ChillBill October 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm


Chet Kincaid_ October 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I was not driving drunk, occifer, I was simply putting aside laws that interfere with my pursuit of happiness!! (Tickles cop's nose with New Year's blowout horn)

sullivanst October 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Mr. Yoo, you disgraceful fuckstick, the prohibitions against torture aren't merely "a law", they're also "international treaties we have ratified", and "the constitution".

Now, kindly go crush your nutsack in a vice.

Texan_Bulldog October 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

John Yoo, Marc Thiessen, etc.–good to see all these torture enablers/apologists and all around general dickheads got the good war crime trials they deserved. Oh wait…they actually got cushy gigs at right wing publications. USA!! USA!!1!!

iburl October 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Never look back!

Not_So_Much October 17, 2012 at 6:04 pm

This fucking guy. Did Berkeley hire him just so the real scholars there had an idiot for their village?

kittensdontlie October 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Yoo was a law clerk for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, so he came with enhanced recommendations for advanced assholery.

BerkeleyBear October 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

He actually was a balance hire, I'm guessing. Berkeley has a long history of hiring extremists of all flavors (I had a physical anthropology professor who was a misogynistic racist asshole, but also did groundbreaking work on mitochondrial DNA). When he was hired, Yoo did have a solid rep as a right wing theorist (where screaming loudest is what matters) in a field that not to many people write in (executive power) – but no one probably thought he'd be allowed to actually drive anywhere but in the driveway of academia.

malsperanza October 17, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Does Berkeley let him teach actual students? Dear Christ.

sullivanst October 17, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Ah, but Mr. Yoo, what if at some point in the future, one of these DREAM kids' parents is suspected of a terrorist act? Shouldn't the President have the kids handily in the country so he can crush their balls to make said parent confess?

ttommyunger October 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I cannot believe this boil on Humanity's ass isn't employed by Faux as some kind of commentator. Is it possible even they have some depths they are unwilling to sink?

Nothingisamiss October 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm


ttommyunger October 17, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I guess you're right.

Chet Kincaid_ October 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Yoo was the most despised of the NFL Replacement Refs.

mull_man October 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

John Yoo's motto:

When life gives you testicles, make testicle-aid!

Chet Kincaid_ October 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

"It's just like gettin' that deep-talkin' black feller to pitch Allstate, or that colored lady for Popeye's — you always let a minority vouch for your illegal shit. Your cracker base loves it, and it momentarily confuses the liberal media. Powell's the only one who ever went off the Plantation. Now watch this drive."

Redgyal October 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Powell should have been president instead of Shrub junior.

owhatever October 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

What he really meant was … I don't have a fucking clue what he really meant.

Boojum October 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

That "ticking time bomb" bullshit really bothers me. OK, ticking nuclear bomb (go with it). Interrogators know it is there, know the guy can point it out, and what, they go easy because they are afraid somebody will sue them or arrest them? No, what they do is what we expect: They do whatever works (which usually is NOT torture) and if they break the law, they face the consequences.

If they break the law and save us from a nuclear explosion, they are likely to get pardoned. If they break the law and fuck it up, they probably go to jail. Either way, people who are willing to jump in front of bullets are not going to be deterred by fear. However, cocksuckers like Dick Cheney whose only experience is shooting their friends in the face and get hard thinking about acting tough? They might be made a little more cautious, which is the whole point.

BerkeleyBear October 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Well, all that and the fact that the actual ticking bomb scenario almost never materializes, but if you walk around looking for excuses to claim there's a plot about to go down, you'll find one (Allen West comes to mind). But of course Yoo's little memos are covered in caveats and hypothetical limitations about the real and imminent threat that he knew full well the CIA tune up squads weren't going to worry about.

fawkedifiknow October 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Argo fuck yourself.

skmind October 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Oh c'mon, crushing their balls is just a euphemism for "clean torture".



CommieLibunatic October 17, 2012 at 7:50 pm

It's clean if you don't leave a mark!

SayItWithWookies October 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

This was who Mitt was talking about last night when he said to the student, "I'm gonna give Yoo a job." Him, John Bolton, Doug "The stupidest motherfucker on the face of the earth" Feith, Condi Rice — don't bet against all those fucking criminals slithering back to Washington should Mitt win the election.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Yoo favors torture because he has no testicles to crush.

iburl October 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

If Obama was really the One we all wanted, this dude would be saying this shit from a holding cell.

CommieLibunatic October 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

If Obama were half the dictator he's made out to be by the Right, Yoo would die of cold on sunny Kodiak Island, preferably breaking boulders.

…if Obama were a vile dictator, that is, which he is not, because he is not a monster.

pdiddycornchips October 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm


Fare la Volpe October 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

There are not enough levels of hell to punish this man for what he's done. I will drink to his impending war crimes trial and subsequent interrogation.

CommieLibunatic October 17, 2012 at 8:17 pm

To borrow the sentiments of George Grayson in regards to Miguel Trevino Morales (current leader of the Zetas Cartel, astonishingly sadistic killer), there isn't a pit in Hell deep enough. They need to make a basement, put a pit in that, and then put him in there.

pdiddycornchips October 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

And what's with Esquire? Did they decide they needed to hear what an irrelevant asshole has to say about immigration? Who the fuck cares what you have to say?

NW_Pinko October 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Would someone please think of the children …and deport them?!?!

kittensdontlie October 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm

"Yoo emigrated with his parents from South Korea to the United States as an infant."–Wiki

I know a good place to start.

mrblifil October 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Won't someone PLEASE think of the children's balls!! No wait on second thought we probably should not be thinking of children's balls. Children's balls are not an appropriate subject for wholesome contemplation. So…it's time, since I raised the spectre of children's balls, to now stop thinking about children's balls. Got it? Stop thinking about children's balls. Please. Stop. Wait, this is ridiculous. I CAN TELL YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT CHILDREN'S BALLS!!1!

Barrelhse October 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

John, go back to wherever you came from.

CommieLibunatic October 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Apparently, that'd be South Korea. Pot, meet Kettle.

chascates October 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

And 'wingers complain about situational ethics.

BerkeleyBear October 17, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Of course, Mr. draw every distinction I can ignores the fact that this is not a case of a President ignoring any law. Instead, it is a President, under the discretion vested in him by the law, choosing priorities for the use of limited resources. This is almost diametrically opposed to the scenario Yoo is spinning of a President circumventing a clearly articulated legal barrier. As opposed to Iran-Contra, which Cheney and Rumsfeld both supported and Yoo would claim was a perfectly legitimate exercise of executive authority, express Congressional restrictions on arms exports not withstanding.

In other word, dick is still a dick.

fuflans October 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm

it's honestly hard to imagine a romney administration being as awful as these guys.

but i for one am not willing to try.

rickmaci October 18, 2012 at 1:40 am

Not really. A Romoney administration would be a different asshole hiring the same fucktards.

GregComlish October 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm

I used to have this awful nightmare. Somebody cut the electrical connection to the engine in Yoo's car at UC Berkeley where he is a law professor. Then when Yoo got in his car, the perpetrator ran up and smashed Yoo's passenger side window and proceeded to engulf the vehicle's interior with a flame thrower. Yoo squealed as the searing heat annihilated his clothing, skin, and began melting off the fat in his chubby porcine face. The perpetrator screamed "You like that? You like torturing people you little Nazi Pig? Not so fun when you're at the mercy of some psychopath, is it?" The perpetrator split, and medics arrived in time to save John Yoo's life, presumably so he could live out the rest of life permanently disfigured as the hideous monster that he is.

Barrelhse October 17, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Sweet dreams!

Stevola October 18, 2012 at 1:08 am

"medics arrived in time to save John Yoo's life"

That's the awful part, right?

rickmaci October 18, 2012 at 1:42 am

yah, OK. So what was the nightmare?

Redgyal October 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I am so happy to hear that Chinese immigrants to the US all came here legally.

mavenmaven October 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Hannah Arendt would have felt so vindicated.

Radiotherapy October 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

The real criminal here is Esquire for not squashing this nutsack's face in further.

Chow Yun Flat October 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Would have thought all that Gangnam Style dancing would keep the weight off–not the case with Mr. Chubby Cheeks.

kingofmeh October 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm

john yoo's ability to analyze legal issues is a joke. it's called prosecutorial discretion. saying that we aren't going to deport people who fit certain parameters is no different than your local police department not charging every single person caught with a roach in their hands with marijuana possession or giving people warnings instead of tickets for speeding. it's done every day in america, and everywhere else.

decentcitizen October 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Yoo's legal memorandum was gibberish. Unfortunately he has not improved his game. Technically, when the law is applied to the facts you come to a legal conclusion. Yoo pioneered the art of working from a clearly illegal conclusion backward. It's easy when you're an amoral idiot.

Negropolis October 17, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Why is he not in prison? Whenever I see his face, all I see in my minds eye is a kddie pool and a car battery and jumper cables…

anniegetyerfun October 18, 2012 at 12:17 am

John Yoo is a terrible, terrible human being who deserves nothing but the worst of what life has to offer. That is all.

Dashboard_Jesus October 18, 2012 at 1:27 am

Charlie Pierce is a Gawd (not THE Gawd, obviously she's not him/!)

rickmaci October 18, 2012 at 1:43 am


dopper0189 October 18, 2012 at 2:20 am

I'm sure Mr. Yoo the lawyer read the part of the Homeland Security Authorization act passed under the Bush Admin and a GOP controlled Congress that gave the head of the Department of Homeland security discression to delay deportation if there was a determination that there is a hardship that would result from said deportation? Under the unitary executive powers Mr. Yoo championed the President can oder a member of his cabinet to execute lawful duties.

I'm also sure that Mr. Yoo the lawyer realize that the Supreme Court in 6 cases established "prosecutorial discretion". This is why it's not a violation of the constitution for a DA to go after muderers but not prosecute jaywalkers, as long as they have a stated position that they will emphasize the pursuit of murderers and not jaywalkers. This isn't a violation of the equal protection clause. So yes the INS can decide to emphasize deporting certain criminals over others.

dopper0189 October 18, 2012 at 2:20 am

Lastly, I'm sure Mr. Yoo the lawyer realizes the constitution give the President not only the power to grant pardons but also reprieves for violation of US law. In the past Presidents have pardoned 800,000- 2,000,000 Southerners who renounced their US citizenship and took up arms against the US, and 50,000 Viet Nam era draft dodgers who renounced their citizenship and fled to Canada. So mass pardons and reprieves are within the pervue of the POTUS.

editor October 18, 2012 at 4:20 am

clearly, there is a difference between a person whose ancestors came from one part of the world, and those whose ancestors came from somewhere else. awesome. some immigrants are not like others.

crushing some testicles = a-okay.
crushing other testicles: boooo.

finally, as a california resident, i do not ever want to hear that callifornians are by definition reasonable, ever again, john yoo is a californian. 'nuff said. not necessarily a hotbed of progressive thouht.

qwerty42 October 18, 2012 at 10:11 am

My god, this man is depraved.

BlueMonkeh October 18, 2012 at 10:12 am

Oh jesus, this fucking guy again.

Radiotherapy October 18, 2012 at 10:17 am

Cheney liked to refer to him as "my little gook" or "yoo goo".

Hera Sent Me October 18, 2012 at 10:18 am

At the risk of seeming chauvinist, I REALLY hate foreigners who come to this country and then make it their life's work to trash our Constitution.

Yoo can go back where you came from, bub.

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