JEFFERSON RULES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE“Say,” you’re probably thinking. “That’s a good-looking nickel. One of those saucy ones from 2005. You could use it to buy a piece of Double Bubble, or maybe you could put in the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ tray at the gas station if you want to blow minds with your generosity.” But that’s no ordinary nickel; that’s the most politically important metallic disc in the world, and it has personally ensured the crushing defeat of Barack Hussein Nobama at tonight’s debate. BUT HOW COULD A MERE FIVE-CENT PIECE HAVE SUCH POWER???

If anyone ever tries to explain to you that both major parties are just front operations for the giant space-lizard conspiracy that rules the universe, you now have concrete evidence that in fact these guys hate each other’s fucking guts, because instead of just having low-level staffers agree on minor bits of debate stagecraft, they have to flip that coin above to determine who goes first on every God-damned little thing. So Obama will enter from stage left and stand on the left side of the stage, Obama will be introduced first, Romney will take the first question, and Ann Romney will be introduced before Michelle Obama. Three of those four things were instances where Obama lost the coin toss and are therefore “bad” for him, somehow, we will let you guess which.

Anyway, this is obviously explained in a Fox Nation post entitled “Romney Smokes Obama In Pre-Debate Coin Tosses.” Wonkette’s Jesse Taylor will be live-blogging the debate from some kind of grilled cheese store tonight, but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry. [Fox Nation]

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  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Fuck. Rolled a one. Stabbed myself in the eye with the nickel, and did 1d4 damage.

    • Being a messy gamer, nothing ever made quite as much sense to me as the fact that caltrops do 1d4 damage.

      • Mapmonger

        I understood that. Gabba gabba, one of us…

        • One of my hobbies is posting blatant geek-bait in these comments threads, in order to gauge and judge (especially judge) the wonkete commenting population.

          Over the past week, I've discovered that there are five wonkete-reading Homestucks, more than a few gamers, and that Doktor Zoom isn't actually a Brony, but keeps posting My Little Pony images to troll those of us who find Bronies annoying.

          • Fare la Volpe


            DON'T SAY THAT WORD! It only summons them!!

          • emmelemm

            Don't worry, you have to say it three times.

            Bronies, that is.


          • So as long as we don't say Hastur one more time…

            wait I mean Beetlejuice.

            Waitno, Bloody Mary.

            I mean Bronies.

          • bikerlaureate

            That's not also slang for Brazilian trolls, is it?

          • iTuna

            I was in a lengthy, protracted debate about Atlus' Shin Megami Tensei games last week on this site.

          • The Lady has mentioned the MegaTen universe in passing a few times, but I'm even less familiar with it than she is, sadly. Wasn't that new-ish game Catherine supposed to be part of the same universe, tho?

          • iTuna

            Not explicitly, but it was somewhat tonally similar, and (more importantly) was made by the Persona team.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        No one ever says how many caltrops they throw. They just throw 'em. It could be two or fifteen; they tend to scatter on cobblestones, or lodge between 'em, or pursuers are wearing hard soles.


      • BornInATrailer

        4 sided dice. The only thing worse than Legos. Thankfully far rarer.

        • mrpuma2u

          Yeah I was always partial to the D12. Gotta love the dodecahedron.

          • Barbarian.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            I have an entire set right here at my desk.

            My boss came in one day, and made an unusual request. I felt smartassed and whipped out my six sides… rolled a couple of times, then tossed the 20, looked at it wryly and said, "No."

            I love nerding out.

      • BeefHardcake

        I keep stepping on the Caltrops of 1d4+OWFUCKFUCKFUCKHOPFALLCRASH.

    • bobbert

      I'm happy to say (and this applies to the whole subthread), that I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.

  • Fake coin! It clearly says "In God We Trust". Remember, Nobama signed an EO a long time ago to remove that.

    Fucking libruls rigging up the debate like that!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's why he called 'tails' every time. And the Fox Follies Fundies just know that Jeebus made it come up heads.

      Wait, how did they decide who got to call 'heads or tails'? I mean, you could flip a coin, but …

  • SorosBot

    Another debate? This will be hard on my liver.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I swear, I was just talking about how there is no alcohol in this house, and now I have to go to the store. There is NO WAY my kids and I are watching this sober. I am a better mother than that.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        Funnels help you pour liquor into the baby bottles without spilling it everywhere.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        .gniknird elihw etabed ydenneK-noxiN eht hctaw moM em sllet gnihtemos tub ,niatrec ton m'I

      • SorosBot

        Try the strongest, cheapest stuff you can buy; if we take a drink every time Romney tells a lie we'll be sloshed by a half hour in.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Holy shit you just reminded me……

    • Based on your photo, you have decades before cirrhosis is an issue. Drink up, me hardy!

    • Esteev

      Splice the main brace, the debate is near!

  • "Romney Smokes Obama In Pre-Debate Coin Tosses"

    I thought Mormons weren't allowed to smoke.

    • Let alone smoking other men.

      • Maybe Willard let his mission critical staffer, Phil Atio, stand in for him.

    • kittensdontlie

      They are also not allowed to gamble.

  • Crank_Tango

    Paul Ryan could flip the shit out of that coin with his one big bicep.

    • In less than three hours, too!

    • Esteev

      "I can get heads and tails," Mr Ryan continued.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I bet we could bounce a quarter off his abs too. Though, I'd prefer to drop it from 20,000 feet.

  • Cicada

    I don't know why this a story. Romney's flipping skill has been well documented.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Oh, snap!

    • viennawoods13


  • FNMA

    We're having dinner tonight with my wife's step-father. His brother died this afternoon.
    That's going to be more fun than the debate.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Oh my. Condolences to you and your wife.

      • FNMA


    • emmelemm

      It took me a minute. "Hey, that doesn't sound like fu– ohhhh, I get it."

      Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that, and good thoughts for you.

      • FNMA

        Thanks. The guy was a hard-working factory worker whose lungs were ruined by long-term exposure to chemicals and when he got sick, the company cut him loose. The same company then moved its plant to China, where, I understand, it's much easier to kill pesky workers.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I had the distinct pleasure of watching snippets of Faux News whilst waiting at my dentist's office today. After watching Megan Kelly and Tucker Carlson banter for two minutes about how Rmoney was "so commanding" in the last debate and how "Obama has a lot to answer for," the dentist's drill was blissful relief.

    • ufr980

      Fox News in the lobby is usually my queue to change dentists.

  • sbj1964

    Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate these people gave us 8 years of W.You know with the help of the Supreme Court.

  • Steverino247

    Ah, but is the President still black?

    • elviouslyqueer

      According to the Fox Nation commenters, apparently so. Not to mention that "Moochelle" is a knuckle-dragging, banana-eating, wide-white teeth grinning, overweight, contemptuous, overweight, low-class gorilla (paraphrasing the first twelve comments).

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      That could be a bad tan job. I selflessly volunteer to check the President's nekkid body.

  • "Romney Smokes Obama in Pre-Debate Coin Toss"


  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    After the coin toss, Romney likes to throw it in the street and make bums fight for it.

  • Romney wins the flip, Obama wins the flop. I think I've seen this played out once before…

  • MissTaken

    They actually coin toss to see who's wife is announced first? Yup, I just tossed my cookies.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

    • Esteev

      Speaking of cookies, why don't you bake some?

    • FeloniousMonk

      I'm surprised they didn't toss to see who dresses to which side.

  • HarryButtle

    A nickel? They're competing for the most powerful office in the world and they're flipping a nickel? What, they couldn't find any pennies?

  • Schmannnity

    What America needs is a good five cent nickel.

  • Indiepalin

    Romeny chooses to defend the right goalpost and take the wind

    • Relevant

      (You olds know which bit I posted)

      • And the conservetards are red (which is silly if you stop and think about it) and march in an oh so straight line.

        • "What'll it be there, Sit?"

          • Custer don't want no bull.

      • viennawoods13

        I'm so old I remember sitting in our living room and listening to that album.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Obama got his coin tossed!
    How is it possible that doesn't mean something dirty?

  • Schmannnity

    Fox said Obama was at a disadvantage because he expected to shoot craps in the alley instead.

    • BornInATrailer

      What's terrible is I had a moment where I asked myself if it was possible you weren't snarking and they really said that.

  • FakaktaSouth

    You know, I don't even care about this who goes first thing at all – since Ann is OBVIOUSLY the terrible warm up act to the headliner of all first ladies when being introduced. And they argue who stands on the left and right? Shouldn't some things just be left up to puns? Come on now.

  • James Michael Curley

    Fox Nations – How sad.

  • kittensdontlie

    Those coin tosses will be the only wins for Mittens tonight.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Back in my day nickels had pictures of bumblebees on em.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      I see where there is going….are onions involved in some way?

    • mbobier

      In MY day, we didn't have nickels. We just had to lug around bags full of hundreds of pennies.

    • Are you sure you aren't having an oldz moment and thinking of tuna cans?

      Oh, and we missed you at the last grumpy-old-gitz curmudgeon's dinner.

      Come to think of it, aren't we due for another Seattle Drink-Eat-Drink-Laugh-DrinkSomeMore thingy?

  • It's pretty damn easy to win the coin toss if you say heads and tails.

    • Come here a minute

      Romney did the old "Heads I win; Tails you lose!" trick, and the president politely agreed.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "No, Mr. President. I did not change my position. If you will remember I said tails and heads." smirk

  • Hey there Faux newz. What's with omens? Isn't that a devil thing?

    Get Faux NEWZ! They're WITCHES!

  • Given that Mitt Romney and a sum of money were involved, odds seem good that he cheated.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      You know, they never did get that nickle back from RMoney….

    • It's not cheating if you have the rules changed to your advantage. Exceptionalism!

  • Is Mitt an expert flipper or a master tosser?

  • They used a nickel? Romney couldn't spare one of his kruggerands?

    Or one of his own custom coins?

  • ttommyunger

    Let the record show that Mittens did, in fact, win something this go-round.

    • may you be a the prescient Ttommy.

      • ttommyunger


  • freddymcmurray

    it would have been a lot cooler had they used a whole strawbenny.

  • MissTaken

    Whoever is holding that nickel should think about getting a manicure.

    • OzoneTom

      (looking at his own fingernails) No, that is what a real working-class American hand looks like..

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    I learned about tossing coins in my Statistics 101 class.

    Result: There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

    • Nice new username!

      • EnnuiThereYet?

        In the immortal words of Patsy Stone, cheers thanks a lot.

        • cheers thanks a lot

          not "Thank You Jeebus"?

  • Come here a minute

    Romney elected to kick off but will surprise everyone with an onside kick.

    • WhatTheHeck

      … he then picks up the football but isn’t sure if he should run right or more to the center. This flipflopery gives the cornerBarack an opportunity to flatten him.

  • scorpy1

    Is it me or does Jefferson look a little weepy over today's oratorical success conditions?

  • MissTaken

    I don't trust this coin toss. Has anyone seen this supposed "nickel's" long form mint certificate? Didn't think so.

    • SorosBot

      And it doesn't look like the nickles I have; it's downright foreign.

    • If it was Romney's nickel, it had two faces.

  • WhatTheHeck

    That there nickel in Romney’s hand is the sum total of his income tax for last year.

  • Esteev

    How long did it take to explain to Mitt that the nickel still exists?

    • SexySmurf

      What do you think Mittens uses to tip bathroom attendants?

      • Esteev

        Chewed gum in its wrapper?

      • Gleem McShineys

        Bathroom attendants? What, did he fire his pissboy?

  • SmutBoffin

    Jesus, preparation for this debate is more complicated than the protocols in a Mandarin's court.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Does this mean that Anton Chigurh is our next President?

    • whiskeybaby

      I sincerely hope Obama said "Call it, friendo," to Mittens

    • Gleem McShineys


      (that's the airgun)

  • Not_So_Much

    Why even bother with the actual debate at this point? I mean, a fucking coin-toss has happened. GAME OVER MAN!1!!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Democracy's over! Everybody go home!

      • apparently. facts and actual, you know, policies, ideas, plans, etc. aren't part of the deal.

        media just tells who scored the most points and they win 'president'.


  • mbobier

    Following the coin toss, the candidates retired to a nearby alley to play kick-the-can and mumblety-peg.

    For cryin' out loud.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Romney strikes me as the kind of guy who would actually think, "Wow, I really smoked Obama in those coin tosses."

    • Nah, that's Bush.

      Romney's the guy who's trying to figure out how to leverage the nickel into a private equity fund takeover of IBM or something

      • Esteev

        "If I won the coin toss, doesn't that mean I get to keep the coin?"

        • OneYieldRegular

          That. Right there. Yes.

  • TootsStansbury

    A nickle. That's what Rmoney will sell us all down the river for.

  • savethispatient

    A nickel costs 11.18 cents to make. Even our money is satirizing the Romney economic plan!

    • If Mitt gets elected, we'll be making them in China. Of course the lead content will make them poisonous, but that'll incentivize the poor people to work for paper money.

    • OzoneTom

      That's only for the initial transaction. The cost becomes less every time that it changes hands. Multiplier effect, QED.

  • HRH_Maddie

    The coin toss better be the only thing that greasy haired bastard wins tonight.

  • Disassembly

    You know, you've really got to hand it to some of the commenters over there at Fox Nation. I particularly enjoyed this observation: "[Moochelle] was just mad because she dropped her banana on the floor and one of the offspring grabbed and swallowed it before she could get her knuckle dragging fingers on it!" That is some classic political analysis.

    • SorosBot

      But how dare you suggest they're racist!

    • AutomaticPilot

      I saw that. Can't get past the first page of comments without seeing a sickeningly racist comment.

    • BornInATrailer

      Again, context.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Government shekels lead to governmental shackles!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    They should have flipped Ryan. No matter how he lands it is always ass-end up.

  • coolhandnuke

    Romney wins coin toss.
    Will he punt on first down?
    Toss up a Hail Mary?
    Strap the mascot to his car roof and hit a tailgater?
    Posthumously baptize Vince Lombardi?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    HaHa Romney touched a coin!

    • Now they'll be able to trace every single dollar he's offshored because fingerprints and DNA

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Romney: "Obama, I'll tell you what, $9,999.95 bucks, $9,999.95 bet".

  • I'm ashamed that I had to Google that.

    Nicely played, Dok. Nicely played.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Josh is a hero just for going to the FoxNation site and suffering exposure to all of that stupid concentrated on a single page.

  • BornInATrailer

    I surprised Mitt didn't flip it in a hat and be the only one that could read the results.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    While I understand the concept of a town hall debate, I do think the encumbent and candidate should be able to ask one question of the attendees.

    "Why the fuck are you still fuckin' undecided? Gezus!"

  • kittensdontlie

    Tonight is a tale of the haves and the have-nots. Apparently, the haves will be dining on a sumptuously prepared grilled cheese. Extravagence knows no bounds for our Wonkette overlords.

  • rocktonsam

    I'm going to need at least a nickel bag just to get through this

  • Limeylizzie

    Will there be live blogging, I am freaking myself the fuck out with all these polls, coin tosses, racist motherfucking Republicans, Ann Romney's cuntish personality and I need the Wonkette to talk me down.

    • Bamz will lay such a bitch slapping on Willard that hair gel shards will be flying around the 'town hall' like shrapnel.

      Does that help?

      • Limeylizzie

        Oh Weej I hope you are right, I couldn't stand it if Barry doesn't metaphorically knee him in the cobbler's.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      LL, can we help. A warm blanket to curl up in? Soothing talk in low, calm tones Can we kill someone of your choice, of course?

      ETA: Oh damn, I forgot to add "with votes".

      • Limeylizzie

        Yes, please all of those and I pick Reince Priebus for the killing, if'n you don't mind.

    • Just think how you'd feel if Nate Silver gave Obama a 34% chance of winning. It turns my frown upside down.

      • nate silver is the only thing keeping me remotely sane right now.

    • this is totally me. i've been tearing my hair out since the last pres debate. wake up in the middle night worrying… compulsively checking nate silver.

      apparently all you need is one good night to make up for 9 months of disaster and hey presto! you get to be president.

      seriously, i am going nuts.

      • Limeylizzie

        I was crying the other night because of it, I just don't want to live in this country if Romney is President, truly think I would leave MrLL and go back home.

        • chascates

          If so please adopt me as your little brother. I promise to become a very eccentric British smallholder who spends all day reading in his shed.

        • i am sincerely hoping we are being overly dramatic (pun intended) and everyone will laugh at us on 11/7.

          but i am contacting my extended family in toronto…

    • SkinnyNerd

      Yeah and things have already begun. Jill Stein just got arrested outside of the debate hall.

  • CommieDad

    It's all over now. So… do I watch the debate, go to the preschool co-op meeting, get high while it's still illegal, or pay attention to my kids?

    What would Ann Romney do?

    • rocktonsam

      get high kiddo, after the kids are in bed too

  • TavariousChinaSmith

    but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry.

    Worked for George W Bush!

  • JackObin

    We all become mormons tonight. Horde the coffee, booze and condoms. This silly country will become unrecognizable under this delusional halfwit.

  • whiskeybaby

    Do you think they had to explain to Mittens that no, they can't use a hundred dollar bill for the coin toss?

  • SkinnyNerd

    Kind of off topic, but here is the memorandum the campaigns signed for proper debate etiquette:
    It includes everything from what kind of paper they can use for notes to what the cameras can and cannot shoot. Have fun with it!

    Warning: It is 21 pages of legalese.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Is that stage left or real left?

  • BarackMyWorld

    This is good news for….wait for it…John McCain.

  • AncienReggie

    I'm still stuck on "Romney smokes Obama."

  • Isyaignert

    Is Thomas Jefferson crying on that nickle?

  • barto

    I'm surprised Romney would even recognize a nickel. Probably still doesn't know what they are actually for.

  • me, i'm just flipping back and forth between a babera or a nice malbec.

    certainly i will not be watching this one sober.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Winning the coin toss, obviously giving him such amazing advantages as having Ann come out before Michelle.

    This is totally how Dewey won.

  • Jerri

    Romney then pocketed the nickel and with a satisfied grin, fired the coin tosser.

    • TribecaMike

      Oldest trick in the book.

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