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Fox Nation Super-Stoked On Romney’s Domination Of Pre-Debate Coin-Toss

JEFFERSON RULES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE“Say,” you’re probably thinking. “That’s a good-looking nickel. One of those saucy ones from 2005. You could use it to buy a piece of Double Bubble, or maybe you could put in the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ tray at the gas station if you want to blow minds with your generosity.” But that’s no ordinary nickel; that’s the most politically important metallic disc in the world, and it has personally ensured the crushing defeat of Barack Hussein Nobama at tonight’s debate. BUT HOW COULD A MERE FIVE-CENT PIECE HAVE SUCH POWER???

If anyone ever tries to explain to you that both major parties are just front operations for the giant space-lizard conspiracy that rules the universe, you now have concrete evidence that in fact these guys hate each other’s fucking guts, because instead of just having low-level staffers agree on minor bits of debate stagecraft, they have to flip that coin above to determine who goes first on every God-damned little thing. So Obama will enter from stage left and stand on the left side of the stage, Obama will be introduced first, Romney will take the first question, and Ann Romney will be introduced before Michelle Obama. Three of those four things were instances where Obama lost the coin toss and are therefore “bad” for him, somehow, we will let you guess which.

Anyway, this is obviously explained in a Fox Nation post entitled “Romney Smokes Obama In Pre-Debate Coin Tosses.” Wonkette’s Jesse Taylor will be live-blogging the debate from some kind of grilled cheese store tonight, but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry. [Fox Nation]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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169 comments

        1. Incitefully_Joe

          One of my hobbies is posting blatant geek-bait in these comments threads, in order to gauge and judge (especially judge) the wonkete commenting population.

          Over the past week, I've discovered that there are five wonkete-reading Homestucks, more than a few gamers, and that Doktor Zoom isn't actually a Brony, but keeps posting My Little Pony images to troll those of us who find Bronies annoying.

          1. Incitefully_Joe

            The Lady has mentioned the MegaTen universe in passing a few times, but I'm even less familiar with it than she is, sadly. Wasn't that new-ish game Catherine supposed to be part of the same universe, tho?

          2. iTuna

            Not explicitly, but it was somewhat tonally similar, and (more importantly) was made by the Persona team.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        No one ever says how many caltrops they throw. They just throw 'em. It could be two or fifteen; they tend to scatter on cobblestones, or lodge between 'em, or pursuers are wearing hard soles.

        1d4.

          1. KeepFnThatChicken

            I have an entire set right here at my desk.

            My boss came in one day, and made an unusual request. I felt smartassed and whipped out my six sides… rolled a couple of times, then tossed the 20, looked at it wryly and said, "No."

            I love nerding out.

    1. bobbert

      I'm happy to say (and this applies to the whole subthread), that I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.

  1. skmind

    Fake coin! It clearly says "In God We Trust". Remember, Nobama signed an EO a long time ago to remove that.

    Fucking libruls rigging up the debate like that!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's why he called 'tails' every time. And the Fox Follies Fundies just know that Jeebus made it come up heads.

      Wait, how did they decide who got to call 'heads or tails'? I mean, you could flip a coin, but …

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I swear, I was just talking about how there is no alcohol in this house, and now I have to go to the store. There is NO WAY my kids and I are watching this sober. I am a better mother than that.

      1. SorosBot

        Try the strongest, cheapest stuff you can buy; if we take a drink every time Romney tells a lie we'll be sloshed by a half hour in.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I bet we could bounce a quarter off his abs too. Though, I'd prefer to drop it from 20,000 feet.

  2. FNMA

    We're having dinner tonight with my wife's step-father. His brother died this afternoon.
    That's going to be more fun than the debate.

    1. emmelemm

      It took me a minute. "Hey, that doesn't sound like fu– ohhhh, I get it."

      Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that, and good thoughts for you.

      1. FNMA

        Thanks. The guy was a hard-working factory worker whose lungs were ruined by long-term exposure to chemicals and when he got sick, the company cut him loose. The same company then moved its plant to China, where, I understand, it's much easier to kill pesky workers.

  3. elviouslyqueer

    I had the distinct pleasure of watching snippets of Faux News whilst waiting at my dentist's office today. After watching Megan Kelly and Tucker Carlson banter for two minutes about how Rmoney was "so commanding" in the last debate and how "Obama has a lot to answer for," the dentist's drill was blissful relief.

  4. sbj1964

    Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate these people gave us 8 years of W.You know with the help of the Supreme Court.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      According to the Fox Nation commenters, apparently so. Not to mention that "Moochelle" is a knuckle-dragging, banana-eating, wide-white teeth grinning, overweight, contemptuous, overweight, low-class gorilla (paraphrasing the first twelve comments).

  5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    After the coin toss, Romney likes to throw it in the street and make bums fight for it.

  6. HarryButtle

    A nickel? They're competing for the most powerful office in the world and they're flipping a nickel? What, they couldn't find any pennies?

    1. BornInATrailer

      What's terrible is I had a moment where I asked myself if it was possible you weren't snarking and they really said that.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    You know, I don't even care about this who goes first thing at all – since Ann is OBVIOUSLY the terrible warm up act to the headliner of all first ladies when being introduced. And they argue who stands on the left and right? Shouldn't some things just be left up to puns? Come on now.

    1. OldWhiteLies

      Are you sure you aren't having an oldz moment and thinking of tuna cans?

      Oh, and we missed you at the last grumpy-old-gitz curmudgeon's dinner.

      Come to think of it, aren't we due for another Seattle Drink-Eat-Drink-Laugh-DrinkSomeMore thingy?

    1. Come here a minute

      Romney did the old "Heads I win; Tails you lose!" trick, and the president politely agreed.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      "No, Mr. President. I did not change my position. If you will remember I said tails and heads." smirk

    1. OzoneTom

      (looking at his own fingernails) No, that is what a real working-class American hand looks like..

  8. EnnuiThereYet?

    I learned about tossing coins in my Statistics 101 class.

    Result: There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      … he then picks up the football but isn’t sure if he should run right or more to the center. This flipflopery gives the cornerBarack an opportunity to flatten him.

  9. MissTaken

    I don't trust this coin toss. Has anyone seen this supposed "nickel's" long form mint certificate? Didn't think so.

  10. SmutBoffin

    Jesus, preparation for this debate is more complicated than the protocols in a Mandarin's court.

  11. Not_So_Much

    Why even bother with the actual debate at this point? I mean, a fucking coin-toss has happened. GAME OVER MAN!1!!

      1. fuflans

        apparently. facts and actual, you know, policies, ideas, plans, etc. aren't part of the deal.

        media just tells who scored the most points and they win 'president'.

        gah.

  12. mbobier

    Following the coin toss, the candidates retired to a nearby alley to play kick-the-can and mumblety-peg.

    For cryin' out loud.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Romney strikes me as the kind of guy who would actually think, "Wow, I really smoked Obama in those coin tosses."

    1. actor212

      Nah, that's Bush.

      Romney's the guy who's trying to figure out how to leverage the nickel into a private equity fund takeover of IBM or something

  14. savethispatient

    A nickel costs 11.18 cents to make. Even our money is satirizing the Romney economic plan!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      If Mitt gets elected, we'll be making them in China. Of course the lead content will make them poisonous, but that'll incentivize the poor people to work for paper money.

    2. OzoneTom

      That's only for the initial transaction. The cost becomes less every time that it changes hands. Multiplier effect, QED.

  15. Disassembly

    You know, you've really got to hand it to some of the commenters over there at Fox Nation. I particularly enjoyed this observation: "[Moochelle] was just mad because she dropped her banana on the floor and one of the offspring grabbed and swallowed it before she could get her knuckle dragging fingers on it!" That is some classic political analysis.

    1. AutomaticPilot

      I saw that. Can't get past the first page of comments without seeing a sickeningly racist comment.

  16. coolhandnuke

    Romney wins coin toss.
    Will he punt on first down?
    Toss up a Hail Mary?
    Strap the mascot to his car roof and hit a tailgater?
    Posthumously baptize Vince Lombardi?

  17. AutomaticPilot

    Josh is a hero just for going to the FoxNation site and suffering exposure to all of that stupid concentrated on a single page.

  18. Jus_Wonderin

    While I understand the concept of a town hall debate, I do think the encumbent and candidate should be able to ask one question of the attendees.

    "Why the fuck are you still fuckin' undecided? Gezus!"

  19. kittensdontlie

    Tonight is a tale of the haves and the have-nots. Apparently, the haves will be dining on a sumptuously prepared grilled cheese. Extravagence knows no bounds for our Wonkette overlords.

  20. Limeylizzie

    Will there be live blogging, I am freaking myself the fuck out with all these polls, coin tosses, racist motherfucking Republicans, Ann Romney's cuntish personality and I need the Wonkette to talk me down.

    1. weejee

      Bamz will lay such a bitch slapping on Willard that hair gel shards will be flying around the 'town hall' like shrapnel.

      Does that help?

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh Weej I hope you are right, I couldn't stand it if Barry doesn't metaphorically knee him in the cobbler's.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      LL, can we help. A warm blanket to curl up in? Soothing talk in low, calm tones Can we kill someone of your choice, of course?

      ETA: Oh damn, I forgot to add "with votes".

    3. fuflans

      this is totally me. i've been tearing my hair out since the last pres debate. wake up in the middle night worrying… compulsively checking nate silver.

      apparently all you need is one good night to make up for 9 months of disaster and hey presto! you get to be president.

      seriously, i am going nuts.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I was crying the other night because of it, I just don't want to live in this country if Romney is President, truly think I would leave MrLL and go back home.

        1. chascates

          If so please adopt me as your little brother. I promise to become a very eccentric British smallholder who spends all day reading in his shed.

        2. fuflans

          i am sincerely hoping we are being overly dramatic (pun intended) and everyone will laugh at us on 11/7.

          but i am contacting my extended family in toronto…

  21. CommieDad

    It's all over now. So… do I watch the debate, go to the preschool co-op meeting, get high while it's still illegal, or pay attention to my kids?

    What would Ann Romney do?

  22. TavariousChinaSmith

    but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry.

    Worked for George W Bush!

  23. JackObin

    We all become mormons tonight. Horde the coffee, booze and condoms. This silly country will become unrecognizable under this delusional halfwit.

  24. whiskeybaby

    Do you think they had to explain to Mittens that no, they can't use a hundred dollar bill for the coin toss?

  25. barto

    I'm surprised Romney would even recognize a nickel. Probably still doesn't know what they are actually for.

  26. Gleem McShineys

    Winning the coin toss, obviously giving him such amazing advantages as having Ann come out before Michelle.

    This is totally how Dewey won.

Comments are closed.