“Say,” you’re probably thinking. “That’s a good-looking nickel. One of those saucy ones from 2005. You could use it to buy a piece of Double Bubble, or maybe you could put in the ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ tray at the gas station if you want to blow minds with your generosity.” But that’s no ordinary nickel; that’s the most politically important metallic disc in the world, and it has personally ensured the crushing defeat of Barack Hussein Nobama at tonight’s debate. BUT HOW COULD A MERE FIVE-CENT PIECE HAVE SUCH POWER???
If anyone ever tries to explain to you that both major parties are just front operations for the giant space-lizard conspiracy that rules the universe, you now have concrete evidence that in fact these guys hate each other’s fucking guts, because instead of just having low-level staffers agree on minor bits of debate stagecraft, they have to flip that coin above to determine who goes first on every God-damned little thing. So Obama will enter from stage left and stand on the left side of the stage, Obama will be introduced first, Romney will take the first question, and Ann Romney will be introduced before Michelle Obama. Three of those four things were instances where Obama lost the coin toss and are therefore “bad” for him, somehow, we will let you guess which.
Anyway, this is obviously explained in a Fox Nation post entitled “Romney Smokes Obama In Pre-Debate Coin Tosses.” Wonkette’s Jesse Taylor will be live-blogging the debate from some kind of grilled cheese store tonight, but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry. [Fox Nation]
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Fuck. Rolled a one. Stabbed myself in the eye with the nickel, and did 1d4 damage.
Being a messy gamer, nothing ever made quite as much sense to me as the fact that caltrops do 1d4 damage.
I understood that. Gabba gabba, one of us…
One of my hobbies is posting blatant geek-bait in these comments threads, in order to gauge and judge (especially judge) the wonkete commenting population.
Over the past week, I've discovered that there are five wonkete-reading Homestucks, more than a few gamers, and that Doktor Zoom isn't actually a Brony, but keeps posting My Little Pony images to troll those of us who find Bronies annoying.
Bronies
DON'T SAY THAT WORD! It only summons them!!
I was in a lengthy, protracted debate about Atlus' Shin Megami Tensei games last week on this site.
No one ever says how many caltrops they throw. They just throw 'em. It could be two or fifteen; they tend to scatter on cobblestones, or lodge between 'em, or pursuers are wearing hard soles.
1d4.
4 sided dice. The only thing worse than Legos. Thankfully far rarer.
Yeah I was always partial to the D12. Gotta love the dodecahedron.
Barbarian.
I keep stepping on the Caltrops of 1d4+OWFUCKFUCKFUCKHOPFALLCRASH.
I'm happy to say (and this applies to the whole subthread), that I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.
Fake coin! It clearly says "In God We Trust". Remember, Nobama signed an EO a long time ago to remove that.
Fucking libruls rigging up the debate like that!
That's why he called 'tails' every time. And the Fox Follies Fundies just know that Jeebus made it come up heads.
Wait, how did they decide who got to call 'heads or tails'? I mean, you could flip a coin, but …
Another debate? This will be hard on my liver.
I swear, I was just talking about how there is no alcohol in this house, and now I have to go to the store. There is NO WAY my kids and I are watching this sober. I am a better mother than that.
Funnels help you pour liquor into the baby bottles without spilling it everywhere.
.gniknird elihw etabed ydenneK-noxiN eht hctaw moM em sllet gnihtemos tub ,niatrec ton m'I
Try the strongest, cheapest stuff you can buy; if we take a drink every time Romney tells a lie we'll be sloshed by a half hour in.
Holy shit you just reminded me……
Based on your photo, you have decades before cirrhosis is an issue. Drink up, me hardy!
Splice the main brace, the debate is near!
"Romney Smokes Obama In Pre-Debate Coin Tosses"
I thought Mormons weren't allowed to smoke.
Let alone smoking other men.
Maybe Willard let his mission critical staffer, Phil Atio, stand in for him.
They are also not allowed to gamble.
Paul Ryan could flip the shit out of that coin with his one big bicep.
In less than three hours, too!
"I can get heads and tails," Mr Ryan continued.
I bet we could bounce a quarter off his abs too. Though, I'd prefer to drop it from 20,000 feet.
I don't know why this a story. Romney's flipping skill has been well documented.
Oh, snap!
Winner!
We're having dinner tonight with my wife's step-father. His brother died this afternoon.
That's going to be more fun than the debate.
Oh my. Condolences to you and your wife.
Thanks.
It took me a minute. "Hey, that doesn't sound like fu– ohhhh, I get it."
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that, and good thoughts for you.
Thanks. The guy was a hard-working factory worker whose lungs were ruined by long-term exposure to chemicals and when he got sick, the company cut him loose. The same company then moved its plant to China, where, I understand, it's much easier to kill pesky workers.
I had the distinct pleasure of watching snippets of Faux News whilst waiting at my dentist's office today. After watching Megan Kelly and Tucker Carlson banter for two minutes about how Rmoney was "so commanding" in the last debate and how "Obama has a lot to answer for," the dentist's drill was blissful relief.
Fox News in the lobby is usually my queue to change dentists.
Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate these people gave us 8 years of W.You know with the help of the Supreme Court.
Ah, but is the President still black?
According to the Fox Nation commenters, apparently so. Not to mention that "Moochelle" is a knuckle-dragging, banana-eating, wide-white teeth grinning, overweight, contemptuous, overweight, low-class gorilla (paraphrasing the first twelve comments).
That could be a bad tan job. I selflessly volunteer to check the President's nekkid body.
"Romney Smokes Obama in Pre-Debate Coin Toss"
COOL STORY BRO
After the coin toss, Romney likes to throw it in the street and make bums fight for it.
Romney wins the flip, Obama wins the flop. I think I've seen this played out once before…
They actually coin toss to see who's wife is announced first? Yup, I just tossed my cookies.
Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Speaking of cookies, why don't you bake some?
I'm surprised they didn't toss to see who dresses to which side.
A nickel? They're competing for the most powerful office in the world and they're flipping a nickel? What, they couldn't find any pennies?
What America needs is a good five cent nickel.
Romeny chooses to defend the right goalpost and take the wind
Relevant
(You olds know which bit I posted)
And the conservetards are red (which is silly if you stop and think about it) and march in an oh so straight line.
"What'll it be there, Sit?"
Custer don't want no bull.
I'm so old I remember sitting in our living room and listening to that album.
As do I. Nearly wet 'em.
Obama got his coin tossed!
How is it possible that doesn't mean something dirty?
Fox said Obama was at a disadvantage because he expected to shoot craps in the alley instead.
What's terrible is I had a moment where I asked myself if it was possible you weren't snarking and they really said that.
They didn't?
You know, I don't even care about this who goes first thing at all – since Ann is OBVIOUSLY the terrible warm up act to the headliner of all first ladies when being introduced. And they argue who stands on the left and right? Shouldn't some things just be left up to puns? Come on now.
Fox Nations – How sad.
Those coin tosses will be the only wins for Mittens tonight.
Back in my day nickels had pictures of bumblebees on em.
I see where there is going….are onions involved in some way?
In MY day, we didn't have nickels. We just had to lug around bags full of hundreds of pennies.
Are you sure you aren't having an oldz moment and thinking of tuna cans?
Oh, and we missed you at the last grumpy-old-gitz curmudgeon's dinner.
Come to think of it, aren't we due for another Seattle Drink-Eat-Drink-Laugh-DrinkSomeMore thingy?
It's pretty damn easy to win the coin toss if you say heads and tails.
Romney did the old "Heads I win; Tails you lose!" trick, and the president politely agreed.
"No, Mr. President. I did not change my position. If you will remember I said tails and heads." smirk
Hey there Faux newz. What's with omens? Isn't that a devil thing?
Get Faux NEWZ! They're WITCHES!
Given that Mitt Romney and a sum of money were involved, odds seem good that he cheated.
You know, they never did get that nickle back from RMoney….
It's not cheating if you have the rules changed to your advantage. Exceptionalism!
Is Mitt an expert flipper or a master tosser?
They used a nickel? Romney couldn't spare one of his kruggerands?
Or one of his own custom coins?
Let the record show that Mittens did, in fact, win something this go-round.
may you be a the prescient Ttommy.
A-Men!
it would have been a lot cooler had they used a whole strawbenny.
Whoever is holding that nickel should think about getting a manicure.
(looking at his own fingernails) No, that is what a real working-class American hand looks like..
I learned about tossing coins in my Statistics 101 class.
Result: There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Nice new username!
In the immortal words of Patsy Stone, cheers thanks a lot.
cheers thanks a lot
not "Thank You Jeebus"?
Romney elected to kick off but will surprise everyone with an onside kick.
… he then picks up the football but isn’t sure if he should run right or more to the center. This flipflopery gives the cornerBarack an opportunity to flatten him.
Is it me or does Jefferson look a little weepy over today's oratorical success conditions?
I don't trust this coin toss. Has anyone seen this supposed "nickel's" long form mint certificate? Didn't think so.
And it doesn't look like the nickles I have; it's downright foreign.
If it was Romney's nickel, it had two faces.
That there nickel in Romney’s hand is the sum total of his income tax for last year.
How long did it take to explain to Mitt that the nickel still exists?
What do you think Mittens uses to tip bathroom attendants?
Chewed gum in its wrapper?
Bathroom attendants? What, did he fire his pissboy?
Jesus, preparation for this debate is more complicated than the protocols in a Mandarin's court.
Does this mean that Anton Chigurh is our next President?
I sincerely hope Obama said "Call it, friendo," to Mittens
Pfffft!
(that's the airgun)
Why even bother with the actual debate at this point? I mean, a fucking coin-toss has happened. GAME OVER MAN!1!!
Democracy's over! Everybody go home!
apparently. facts and actual, you know, policies, ideas, plans, etc. aren't part of the deal.
media just tells who scored the most points and they win 'president'.
gah.
Following the coin toss, the candidates retired to a nearby alley to play kick-the-can and mumblety-peg.
For cryin' out loud.
Romney strikes me as the kind of guy who would actually think, "Wow, I really smoked Obama in those coin tosses."
Nah, that's Bush.
Romney's the guy who's trying to figure out how to leverage the nickel into a private equity fund takeover of IBM or something
"If I won the coin toss, doesn't that mean I get to keep the coin?"
That. Right there. Yes.
A nickle. That's what Rmoney will sell us all down the river for.
A nickel costs 11.18 cents to make. Even our money is satirizing the Romney economic plan!
If Mitt gets elected, we'll be making them in China. Of course the lead content will make them poisonous, but that'll incentivize the poor people to work for paper money.
That's only for the initial transaction. The cost becomes less every time that it changes hands. Multiplier effect, QED.
The coin toss better be the only thing that greasy haired bastard wins tonight.
You know, you've really got to hand it to some of the commenters over there at Fox Nation. I particularly enjoyed this observation: "[Moochelle] was just mad because she dropped her banana on the floor and one of the offspring grabbed and swallowed it before she could get her knuckle dragging fingers on it!" That is some classic political analysis.
But how dare you suggest they're racist!
I saw that. Can't get past the first page of comments without seeing a sickeningly racist comment.
Again, context.
Government shekels lead to governmental shackles!
They should have flipped Ryan. No matter how he lands it is always ass-end up.
Romney wins coin toss.
Will he punt on first down?
Toss up a Hail Mary?
Strap the mascot to his car roof and hit a tailgater?
Posthumously baptize Vince Lombardi?
HaHa Romney touched a coin!
Now they'll be able to trace every single dollar he's offshored because fingerprints and DNA
Romney: "Obama, I'll tell you what, $9,999.95 bucks, $9,999.95 bet".
I'm ashamed that I had to Google that.
Nicely played, Dok. Nicely played.
Josh is a hero just for going to the FoxNation site and suffering exposure to all of that stupid concentrated on a single page.
I surprised Mitt didn't flip it in a hat and be the only one that could read the results.
While I understand the concept of a town hall debate, I do think the encumbent and candidate should be able to ask one question of the attendees.
"Why the fuck are you still fuckin' undecided? Gezus!"
Tonight is a tale of the haves and the have-nots. Apparently, the haves will be dining on a sumptuously prepared grilled cheese. Extravagence knows no bounds for our Wonkette overlords.
I'm going to need at least a nickel bag just to get through this
Will there be live blogging, I am freaking myself the fuck out with all these polls, coin tosses, racist motherfucking Republicans, Ann Romney's cuntish personality and I need the Wonkette to talk me down.
Bamz will lay such a bitch slapping on Willard that hair gel shards will be flying around the 'town hall' like shrapnel.
Does that help?
Oh Weej I hope you are right, I couldn't stand it if Barry doesn't metaphorically knee him in the cobbler's.
LL, can we help. A warm blanket to curl up in? Soothing talk in low, calm tones Can we kill someone of your choice, of course?
ETA: Oh damn, I forgot to add "with votes".
Yes, please all of those and I pick Reince Priebus for the killing, if'n you don't mind.
Just think how you'd feel if Nate Silver gave Obama a 34% chance of winning. It turns my frown upside down.
nate silver is the only thing keeping me remotely sane right now.
this is totally me. i've been tearing my hair out since the last pres debate. wake up in the middle night worrying… compulsively checking nate silver.
apparently all you need is one good night to make up for 9 months of disaster and hey presto! you get to be president.
seriously, i am going nuts.
I was crying the other night because of it, I just don't want to live in this country if Romney is President, truly think I would leave MrLL and go back home.
If so please adopt me as your little brother. I promise to become a very eccentric British smallholder who spends all day reading in his shed.
Here.
http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/0….
Does this help?
i am sincerely hoping we are being overly dramatic (pun intended) and everyone will laugh at us on 11/7.
but i am contacting my extended family in toronto…
Yeah and things have already begun. Jill Stein just got arrested outside of the debate hall.
It's all over now. So… do I watch the debate, go to the preschool co-op meeting, get high while it's still illegal, or pay attention to my kids?
What would Ann Romney do?
get high kiddo, after the kids are in bed too
but there’s no point in tuning in because this coin has already anointed Romney president, sorry.
Worked for George W Bush!
We all become mormons tonight. Horde the coffee, booze and condoms. This silly country will become unrecognizable under this delusional halfwit.
Do you think they had to explain to Mittens that no, they can't use a hundred dollar bill for the coin toss?
Kind of off topic, but here is the memorandum the campaigns signed for proper debate etiquette: http://www.scribd.com/doc/110073567/The-2012-Deba…
It includes everything from what kind of paper they can use for notes to what the cameras can and cannot shoot. Have fun with it!
Warning: It is 21 pages of legalese.
Is that stage left or real left?
This is good news for….wait for it…John McCain.
I'm still stuck on "Romney smokes Obama."
Is Thomas Jefferson crying on that nickle?
I'm surprised Romney would even recognize a nickel. Probably still doesn't know what they are actually for.
me, i'm just flipping back and forth between a babera or a nice malbec.
certainly i will not be watching this one sober.
Winning the coin toss, obviously giving him such amazing advantages as having Ann come out before Michelle.
This is totally how Dewey won.
Romney then pocketed the nickel and with a satisfied grin, fired the coin tosser.
Oldest trick in the book.
Don't worry, you have to say it three times.
Bronies, that is.
oops.
That's not also slang for Brazilian trolls, is it?
So as long as we don't say Hastur one more time…
wait I mean Beetlejuice.
Waitno, Bloody Mary.
I mean Bronies.
The Lady has mentioned the MegaTen universe in passing a few times, but I'm even less familiar with it than she is, sadly. Wasn't that new-ish game Catherine supposed to be part of the same universe, tho?
I have an entire set right here at my desk.
My boss came in one day, and made an unusual request. I felt smartassed and whipped out my six sides… rolled a couple of times, then tossed the 20, looked at it wryly and said, "No."
I love nerding out.
Not explicitly, but it was somewhat tonally similar, and (more importantly) was made by the Persona team.
Is there some Wonkette swag I haven't been told about?
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