George W. Bush Will Paint You Like One Of His French Girls

  schlock and awe

Something to aspire toLess than ten years ago, President George W. “W.” Bush was pulling down Saddam Hussein statues and landing Mission Accomplished jets on things. Now, according to a new profile, he spends his time painting pictures of puppies.

Alas, poor Yorick!

Many former presidents, isolated by their notoriety, have famously taken up solitary hobbies: Thomas Jefferson invented chemotherapy, Andrew Jackson made quilts of human flesh. Dubya, now, watches Bob Ross videos and puts up introspective away messages on AOL Instant Messenger (“Message me :-/”).

From Politico:

Bush has started painting, mostly portraits of dogs and arid Texas landscapes, according to New York Magazine. The 43rd president has plenty of material: He owns a 1,583-acre ranch near Crawford, Texas, and two Scottish Terriers, Barney and Miss Beazley.

Well, no wonder he’s painting the dogs — what else can you do with a terrier named Miss Beazley? Teddy Roosevelt never painted anything, probably because Baron Spreckle the hen and Fighting Bob Evans the guinea pig would have punched him square in the mustaches.

Much of the New York profile focuses on other members of the Bush brood, mostly Jeb, and how sad he is to have had his ambitions wrecked by a gigazmo deficit and two wars with his last name stamped on them:

The late Ted Kennedy famously said “the dream”—of his brothers—would “never die”; for Jeb, that’s precisely the problem.

Thanks, however, are in order for the underappreciated Politico scribe who read it for us, because it is Very Long, and spends quite a while on Jeb’s “aquiline nose” and how his mom has jowls, and who can be reading all that when there are enthralling stories to be absorbed about Paul Ryan washing dishes.

The rest of the piece, our smarter friends tell us, looks at how Jeb is so clever for not going out of his mind during the tea party invasion:

If you took Jeb Bush at face value, it might look as if he were throwing in the towel on American politics. “Here’s what I heard him say,” says a former official in Bush 43’s White House. “ ‘Fuck this.’ That’s what I heard. ‘This has gotten ­crazy, and I don’t want any part of this.’ ”

Ah! A reasonable fellow! If you ignore that Terri Schaivo thing, a mostly reasonable fellow! Thank goodness this hero has been saying “Fuck this” very quietly while maniacs charged into Washington waving “Don’t Tread On Me” flags and before they proceeded to tread on anything they could get their treaders near, because liberty.

Anyway, obviously the most important part of the piece is that W. is getting “increasingly agoraphobic,” but that we should still keep an eye out for his beautiful art in a flag-draped gallery somewhere, hanging between a Jon McNaughton painting and an effigy of Osama bin Laden, whom Mitt Romney killed.

[New York via Politico]

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260 comments

  1. Terry

    " Teddy Roosevelt never painted anything, probably because Baron Spreckle the hen and Fighting Bob Evans the guinea pig would have punched him square in the mustaches."

    Teddy Roosevelt also had people in this world who liked and cared about him, unlike GWB.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Teddy wins for best pet names! He also had a garter snake named Emily Spinach, cats named Tom Quartz and Slippers, and in addition to Fighting Bob Evans, he had other guinea pigs named Dr. Johnson, Bishop Doane, Admiral Dewey, and Father O'Grady.

  2. ttommyunger

    I'm frankly surprised he can let go of his dick long enough to hold a brush, or anything else, for that matter.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Wonder if W could do one of his dogs playing poker for me. Or golf, I really like those.

      1. BadKitty904

        That's prolly 'cause "browns" frighten him. Plus, if he fled to Latin America, he'd have to learn Latin and all…

      2. Lot_49

        Didn't the Bush family establish some hideout/family compound/criminal lair in Paraguay?

        Must not have had time to work out the non-extradition treaty with Stroessner.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Hitler libel!

        At least the Nazis had a relatively coherent foreign policy. But I guess it just boils down to what mix of evil and incompetent one prefers.

    1. Negropolis

      Believe it or not, I'd much rather hear about him than either that insufferable Romney or Ryan. I just want to pat Dubya on his head and offer him some "why bless his heart"s and then send him to prison.

      I want to strangle the other two…with votes.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I dunno. I wouldn't mind a story about how Romney and Ryan are hiding out somewhere, painting puppies. That would be good news.

        1. tessiee

          "a story about how Romney and Ryan are hiding out somewhere, painting puppies."

          Given Romney's history, his idea of "painting puppies" probably involves picking up a brush and smearing paint onto an actual puppy.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      I once thought I missed hearing teh funneh about Sarah Palin, but no, her absence is actually preferred.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, but this is just the time to be bringing him up — especially now that all the empire builders and PNAC alumni are hoping to sprout up little Green Zones in capitals all over the Middle East.

    4. TheGyrus

      No,because we must Never Forget(TM) what happens when you elect a shitty president because he reminds you of your beer-drinking buddies.

    5. Bezoar

      I agree, but would make an exception for hearing that he'd been renditioned to The Hague. With a black bag on his head.

    6. glamourdammerung

      I would love to hear about him all day long if only because of how much it makes the Party of Limbaugh cry.

  3. johnnyzhivago

    Bush painted both of his dogs this past weekend, but both had to be rushed to an emergency veterinary clinic where they were completely shaved and washed with solvents.

    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      W: "Hey Laura, I got some paint! I'm gonna paint the dogs."

      time passes. paint-covered dogs run in.

      Laura: "Oh, George."

  4. Negropolis

    Someone needs to tell Curious George that fingerpainting doesn't count.

    Needz moar crying bald eagles.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes. I hear Obama is going to up his admonitions from "tut, tut"s to "tsk, tsk"s. That should do it, right?

      1. HateMachine

        Sorry, but he won't get through to undecideds with anything short of yelling "How about fuck off, Mittens!" and then throwing the mic in slow mo to strike Mitt directly between the eyes.

        1. Negropolis

          I honestly want to see him pull a Biden, look straight at Romney and then the crowd, and then puts up his hands in defeat and shouts at them "Really? Are you really about to do this? Seriously? This guy?! What a bunch of stuff!" And then just exist stage left.

        2. UW8316154

          But then the media machine would be setting up Facebook accounts "Like if you think Obama was rude and arrogant last night" because, well, black.

          1. Negropolis

            We sure have been a witness to the ways this past four years, huh? They still have few more left in them.

            I'm still trying to figure out how they are going to react when the president pulls back comfortably into the lead (god willing)? 'Cause god knows they finally got the horserace they wanted. Will they graciously give up the ghost, or will they try and pull Romney across the finish line?

          2. tessiee

            I don't disagree, but let's face it — the people who are going to criticize President Obama no matter what he does have only two settings, "too weak" and "not weak enough" — and they're a lost cause anyway.

            Since he's never going to please everybody, he may as well do something that will please at least some of the undecided voters, i.e. giving shit to Mitt, who is disliked by everybody, even his own party.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    He originally wanted to do stop motion animation with construction paper cut outs much like South Park used to, but everyone worried about the tragedies that would happen if they let him run with scissors.

        1. BadKitty904

          Jesus God. That is *every* conversation I've *ever* had with my cousins.

          That's right up there with "Greater Tuna"…

  6. ThankYouJeebus

    Poor Jeb. It's like when my stupid sister wrecked the car that I was going to get to drive.

    1. Goonemeritus

      More like she wrecked every car and then travelled to every factory capable of building a new one and burned them all to the ground.

    1. Negropolis

      That meat-puppet President Cheney used up and threw away after eight years. It's the only way he could keep his current host-body from decaying.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Our home-kept critters do inspire the inner artist in many of us.
    At least Dubya thought better than to, say, compose poems about the yappy terriers.

    "I'd rather see a Scottie
    Than hear one, any day
    I'd rather one would walk with me
    Than merely show the way"

    etc.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Whenever Little Dubya went down town,
      We people on the pavement looked at him:
      He swaggered like a cowboy with a crown,
      An oafish stare and uncomprehending grin.

      And he was always boorishly arrayed,
      And slurring and obnoxious when he talked;
      But still he never thought more than he prayed,
      And the PDBs were just stuffed in his sock.

      And he was rich – and as inbred as a king –
      And thought he had inherited God's grace:
      War, tax cuts and piety were everything
      To assure his asshole friends would keep their place.

      So we shipped off, and were stop-lossed for our trouble,
      And lost houses, wives and got PTSD;
      And Little Dubya's family toasts themselves and huddles,
      And awaits the transfiguring gleam of History.

  8. Goonemeritus

    What must it be like to have half the country unable to forget what a fuck-up you were and the other half pretending you never existed.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    Y'all laugh, but W will soon be an honorary member of the "Nouveau Poop Flinging" art movement. Just you wait.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      As despicable as he was, I really don't hate Laura quite the way I hate Romney's gash. Or George Sr's.

  10. actor212

    Actual quote from W

    Oh, I like this one… One dog goes one way, the other dog goes the other way, and this guy's sayin', "Whadda ya want from me?' Guy's got a nice head of white hair, it's beautiful.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      His dogs were tragically killed, so he took them to the taxidermist.

      "Do you want them mounted?"

      "No, just holding hands."

  11. Negropolis

    Do they allow dogs in The Hague, or is there a no-pets policy? I don't know nearly as much about the Dutch as I'd like.

  12. sullivanst

    He should be agoraphobic, in that every time he goes outside, he should have to worry whether Interpol is about to swoop on him and whisk him away to the Hague. Alas, they don't seem to be bothered.

  13. SnarkOff

    For what it's worth, Jeb, your brother also wrecked my dream of not living out my golden years in a cardboard box under a bridge, so…

    1. JustPixelz

      Dubya was the worst president except Buchanan (who whistled while America headed for cilvil war). At the outset of the Great Depression, Hoover at least held to the principle that market problems would be solved by the marker. When the Great Recession started, Dubya said "Quick! Write a check to save the big banks. Plus failed to keep America safe from terrorism. Also war in Iraq to show his Daddy who has a bigger dick.

      1. delaney_blom

        Nora's got soul and a natural ear, but that dog can sight read (the sheet music is "God Save the Queen/King" / "My Country Tis of Thee")

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Hey, you're giving special needs kids a bad name – I often get to bring art activities into their classrooms – they're a hoot…..GWB is another matter altogether…I imagine he thinks he's Jeff Koons, or at least will be able to make a few bucks off this worthless shit….

  14. no_gravity

    I saw some of his paintings being sold on the side of the road down here in Florida. They were next to the collection of Elvis Jeebuses.

    1. Lot_49

      The architect of Monticello, founder of UVA, author of the Declaration, and owner of 200 slaves had a pet mockingbird named "Dick"?

      That is hilarious.

    2. SavageDrummer

      John Adams had a dog named Satan… I think this is all the proof we need that 'merrica was founded on christian values…

  15. Ruhe

    Dear Mr. W.,
    I too was once Angoraphobic but I found that a daily dose of claritin took care of that and now I have my life back. I recommend you try the same remedy. Please don't let your allergies drive you out of public life. And remember, fashion is cyclical. Next year every one will be wearing polyamide fleece and natural materials will be out.

  16. Negropolis

    I predict within a matter of years he'll move on to portraits, and the venerable Honey Boo Boo, now child-president of the reconstituted CSA, will become his muse.

  17. thatsitfortheother1

    And here I thought W was sitting in his underwear in Dallas, drunk, and playing with Saddam's pistol. Laura, of course, won't get him any bullets.

  18. Ruhe

    Le Ouvre Inconnu de le Commandant General. If only his minor works, i.e. his presidency, could be hidden away somewhere out of sight.

  19. FakaktaSouth

    Am I the only one whose first thought was, yeah, SURE Dub is painting ANYthing, we all know DickC is REALLY doing this "art" work too.

    1. prommie

      Oh isn't it just rich, that old genociding torturing lying shrubbery-stalking brooding evil omnipresence now coming out and calling Biden crazy? Why isn't he fucking dead? There clearly is no God. Dick Cheney's existence and the idea of a benificent, omnipotent God are incompossible.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I had not in fact heard that the walking-dead had come out with an opinion on OHJoe. I will have to research this further whilst I stomp around angrily with even more hate. I'm SURE he DOES think VPBiden is crazy, letting the actual Pres make a decision like he's the one running things. Fuck that guy.

        eta – AAACCCKK Upon the googling I ended up seeing Dick did this ON HANNITY. For fucks sake now not only did I have to see this guy besmirch my favorite office-holder, but it was in the midst of the most disgusting, vile, idiotic cess-pool of life. Now I am mad. You OWE me for that one. Good lord.

  20. Incitefully_Joe

    My favorite things about that list of Presidential pets are the names in Teddy's menagerie, and the fact that Grant apparently took to naming his horses after his foes.

  21. prommie

    Barney was a gift to W. from Christine Todd Whitman. She told me one time "that dog hates him." True story. She also kinda strongly hinted that she kinda had to hold her nose the whole time she was working for him.

    1. glasspusher

      Yeah, this was coming from a good republican girl. Even she couldn't stand him, then left when he finally hung her out to dry when she was running the EPA.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      I kinda hate her. She was willing to play his game as long as he was willing to do things FOR her. And who does that to a dog? Gives them to a dumber master like that? I'm sure the dog was THRILLED.

      Also, THUD, names a' droppin…

      1. prommie

        Well she did tell the rest of the class too. Fuck her, actually she was always in nose-deep with the crony capitalism aspects of that special kind of Bush family corruption, privatization being the word for "no bid contracts for ginormous government functions given to cronies." Also the buying of the black ministers with the social services privatized contracts, I see you Buster Soaries, and the voter roll purges, Christine was into that way way back in the 1990s, a pioneer, she was, also with the privatizing schools and going after public worker unions. No, there is nothing good about her, just a polite patrician version of Scott Walker.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    Given the way he's been shut out of sight by his own party, he's probably painting pictures of those dogs driving cars with Mitt Romney strapped onto the roof.

  23. LibertyLover

    but that we should still keep an eye out for his beautiful art in a flag-draped gallery somewhere…

    In the Cotton Bowl arena at the Texas State Fair just around the corner from the 4H Club booth.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      If ONLY they had let him into that art-school, MAN what a different world this would be. Like Eddie Izzard, my spiritual mentor and guide says "I can't get the fucking trees right, DAMN I will kill EVERYone in the world!!!!"

    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      I wonder if he ever wakes up in the middle of the night and says "Dear God I am responsible for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people."

      Oh wait. I forgot who we were talking about for a second. Never mind.

  24. MilwaukeeKent

    George, take a tip from an idle art dealer who won't be reopening his gallery any time soon thanks to the economy you left us with: There's big money to be made with paintings of comic blue dogs with great big eyes — and no, a portrait of Sen. Ben Nelson doesn't count.

  25. Ruhe

    I imagine that like Jack Kevorkian, W probably considers his works to be resistant to interpretation due to their obviousness. Such a commonality might be indicative of something.

  26. ibwilliamsi

    W took up painting as a hobby because it's something insane people do while they're alone, and he has plenty of free time. Ain't nobody inviting THAT bitch out.

    (Are you sure it isn't "Alas, poor Yorkies"?)

  27. DahBoner

    Terry Schiavo: Stupid Republicans using a Brain-dead Girl for their Big Gum'mint Getting Up in Your Deathbed (becuz that's wha Pukes are all about- Death & Deception)…

  28. KeepFnThatChicken

    "Arid Texas landscapes"?! The bottom half of the canvas is burnt sienna, and the top half is azure? You're no Mark Rothko.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    I wonder if Dubya's paintings are, by any chance, incomprehensible hashes that appear to have started out with half an idea and then depended on some magical force to swoop in and finish them, the absence of which yielded a twisted, sloppy, unfinishable half-assed bit of noodling that could best be finished with an abortion.

    1. tessiee

      He keeps painting "Mission Accomplished" banners over and over and over, like Jack Torrance in the "Shining" typing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".

  30. smashedinhat

    More like W is hunkered down in a corner of the garage huffing aerosol paint cans. The gold coloured ones are best, or so I hear.

  31. SayItWithWookies

    For some, the shadows of the family psychodrama were alive in the room. When W., whose controversial presidency had been a kind of rebuttal to his father’s, was asked to give an impromptu toast honoring the man he had both worshipped and sought to overcome his entire life, witnesses say he appeared pinched and unhappy, his toast perfunctory. “It was highly unemotional,” says an attendee.

    Gee, that sounds familiar — where else have we come across a highly unemotional introvert with daddy issues in terms of a presidential prospect? Hmmmmm…

  32. lulzmonger

    Given how well "The Bush Legacy: Operation Retcon" went, it is safe to assume his pet art consists of stick-figure dogs with speech balloons proclaiming "ARF!" & "WOOF!"

  33. fuflans

    this is kinda OT, but that is an awesome wiki page and i just have to observe that teddy roosevelt had NINETEEN pets including a badger, a piebald rat and an unnamed one- legged rooster.

    that must have made for some lively presidential events.

  34. 1stNewtontheMoon

    I'm glad decided "Fuck This [I'm willing to throw these crazy fucks a bone, but I don't want to have to become a full-on snake handler and I don't want it to define me]." Shows a lot of character and courage.

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