May All Your Memes Come True

Internet Wants To Buy Old Handsome Joe Biden A Trans Am For Teh Lulz, Charity

The Shoop That Launched a Thousand Forwards You know that one Onion story that’s nearly mandatory in any discussion of the general awesomeness of Old Handsome Joe Biden, right? (Frankly, we doubt we even needed to link to it, but it’s a habit by now.) You probably also know that Biden knows about the meme, and thinks it’s “hilarious,” right? You might even know that Joe Biden is something of a motorhead in real life, and owns a 1967 Corvette that the Secret Service won’t let him drive — “It’s the one thing I hate about this job. I’m serious.”

So now, some goofballs from Fark have started a campaign to buy Joe Biden an actual white Trans Am like the one in the Onion piece, for the Lulz.

The sad reality is that a bunch of stupidhead “anti-corruption” laws limiting gifts to officeholders will probably prevent Old Handsome Joe from actually taking posession of the car. But the goofballs from Fark hope maybe he’ll wash it in the White House driveway before they auction it off and give the proceeds (and any other funds from this campaign) to four charities: Doctors Without Borders, GLAAD, The Wounded Warrior Project and The Biden Breast Health Initiative. And then they’ll give the Veep a diecast scale model of a similar vehicle.

We are fully behind this campaign because it manages to be absurd, awesome, Full Of Win, and, even, god help us, whimsical. And almost tangentially, it supports four actual good causes. We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala. There’s just no accounting for taste.

[Indiegogo: Buy Vice President Biden a Trans Am]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. DrunkIrishman

    When this is all over, Joe's going to light up a fatty, sit out on the south lawn and blast some Foghat all night long.

      1. snowpointsecret

        Doesn't the lawn have a bit of a hill on it? We can play Cliffhangers there too! Brings a new meaning to the fiscal cliff.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala. There’s just no accounting for taste.

    I once owned a 1967 Impala. Four doors and a big old V-8. I loved that car.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Sometimes I think I might equip Vlad's trunk with davits, so I can carry around a Hyundai for shore parties.

  3. actor212

    We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala.

    Say-y-y-y-y, Dok, didn't you mention you drove a 1973 Impala?

    And I bet that would fall under the maximum gift regulation!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I wouldn't dream of giving up Vlad, not even to Old Handsome Joe Biden.

      But if he owned another 73 Impala, then maybe we could hang out and talk about our cars. I just know he'd wanna hang out and talk about cars with me.

      1. mille derps

        He's got that rep for being very taciturn, but maybe- just maybe- he'd talk cars with you even if he didn't have a '73 Impala. I'm just sayin' it's not impossible…

  4. Monsieur_Grumpe

    To have a 67 Vette and not be able drive it would really suck. I’m not a motor head but I hope they at least let him sit in it and make motor and tire screeching noises.

    1. sullivanst

      Apparently he can drive it up and down his driveway in Delaware, which is apparently quite long.

  5. coolhandnuke

    Can Joe strap Ryan to the roof of his Trans Am and do a victory lap around the White House after the election?

    1. LibertyLover

      Biden could tie Ryan to the bumper (with votes) and see if he can get Ryan that sub-2 hour marathon time.

  6. Goonemeritus

    No problem just wait 12 years to give it to him, He can drive away in it at the end of the second Biden administration.

  7. sullivanst

    There’s just no accounting for taste.

    I thought the whole point of the Trans Am is that it exemplifies the bad taste of kitschy Americana?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The whole point of the Trans Am is that it exemplifies the bad taste SHEER AWESOME BADASSERY of kitschy Americana 70's DETROIT IRON.

      Fixed that for you. (The same can be said of a 73 Impala, of course.)

      1. sullivanst

        1981 was 70s?

        Sheer awesome badassery only applied in straight lines, of course. I'm also sure Exxon loved that car.

          1. sullivanst

            In other words, the weight of a car designed with a 455 in mind, only with the engine options replaced by smaller, lower compression ratio, emissions-compliant models.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Precisely! But did I mention it LOOKS and SOUNDS totally badass? Especially with the T-top open and a Night Ranger tape playing really loud?

            You…you didn't think I meant "70'S DETROIT IRON" to mean an "actually good drivable car," did you? I can see how that might have been ambiguous.

            NIGHT RANGER!!!!!!!!

  8. Roy Hobbson

    Biden thinks it’s “hilarious”

    Somewhere, the esteemed Dr. Ablow sees this and writes "DEMENTIA CONFIRMED" in his chart. Also, his chart is a box of Arby's curly fries.

  9. Antispandex

    Ah…the blending of testosterone and hydrocarbons! I think all of us, over a certain age, have a little fondness for muscle cars. Mine was an old (but upgraded) "56 Bel Air. However, I think every politician seems more suited to a '70's, windowless, van.

    1. MissTaken

      My first car was a '69 Dodge Dart Swinger with a Slant-6. It would go from zero to 60 in about 1.5 hours. It was rad.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Ah, I had a '65 Plymouth Belvedere. LOVED the Slant-6. The car fell apart before the engine gave out.

        I miss that car.

        Cost me 100 bucks in '76.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          Hey, I had a '55 Bel Air and a '65 Plymouth Belvedere! My Belvedere had Positraction and a Push Button Automatic transmission – that slant 6 was a piece of genius….too bad I fell asleep drunk at 3 am and drove it into some farmer's cornfield….suspension was never the same afterwards….

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        Dodge made some godawful machines in the '70s. We got stuck with one, ironically, down in Tennessee on a family vacation, when our venerable '73 Impala broke down. Rev. Kincaid got another Impala in '78, and I was stuck driving the P.O.S. Dodge to Community College, getting out at every stoplight and touching a screwdriver to a "special place" under the hood to get the fucking thing started again. Those were the days!

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            Late to the party, but my grad school car had a pre-flight ritual of putting a sawed-off sledgehammer handle against the starter and hitting said handle with a smaller hammer to get the solenoid rotor lined up away from the bad sections.

    2. Antispandex

      Ah, MissTaken, you have stirred up a memory of a really great ride! My first…a '67 Ford Cortina. The floors were a little weak with rust (since it had suvived a flood), I had to baby it to get it to go over a two percent grade, the shift lever popped out of gear every once in a while if you hit a bump too hard, or it just felt like it needed a rest…good times…good times.

    3. Isyaignert

      My husband, who is a serious gear head has had three red 1970 Chevelle SS big blocks; one he bought new and two that he restored. Right now he's lookin' super sexy in his 2000 red Camaro t-top. Boys just have a need for speed.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    Mittens Romney: "I'm sad that this obviously biased newspaper called the Turnip doesn't make fun of me. I'm well known for my sense of humor. My jokes about messing with the 47% of poor people parasites brought down the house at one of my fund raisers in Palm Beach."

  11. JustPixelz

    “It’s the one thing I hate about this job.”

    True Americans hate so much more about their jobs. Now I'm suspicious. Birf cert or GTFO Joe.

  12. BornInATrailer

    Yep, straight up awesome. Especially if they can get him to wash it in the WH driveway to bump up the auction price.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I just don't think there is room for it in his chassis. I suppose he could wear it on his sleeve as he does when he speaks about his compassion for individuals (but not the entire population).

  13. LibertyLover

    I used to drive a '73 Impala. The dang windshield wipers broke on me the day of a massive snowstorm in Lubbock, Texas.

    1. Negropolis

      Hey, he can make it talk, but it'd require the smoking of a substantial amount of herbal cigarettes.

  14. Chet Kincaid_

    Oh, the joys of Rev. Kincaid's 1978 Impala, the Big-Ass Gray Battleship, with her vast, blue vinyl bench seats, stingy with the winter warm-up, slippery or sticky to the trousers in spring or summer, and her floaty-bloaty handling, as if a preview of the plush, undisturbed slumber awaiting in the afterlife! Driving to work at my first job, Battleship Kincaid hit a VW Golf that suddenly darted in front of me in the parking garage; I was jostled slightly, and the Golf's rear bumper tore off and ricocheted across the garage. Battleship Kincaid was unharmed. She passed away peacefully in her sleep sometime in the late 80's in my sister's garage in Cleveland.

  15. sbj1964

    A story with a moral: A monkey,and a donkey are walking down the street when they see a Corvette,and say to each other "Nice car."A ways down the street the donkey falls into quicksand,and starts crying I'm going to die!The monkey says no you wont I'll get the Corvette,and pull you out.The monkey gets into the Vette turns the keys puts his foot on the gas,and comes back,and pulls the donkey out of the quicksand.They start walking down the street again this time the monkey falls into the quicksand.He yells go back ,and get the Corvette,and pull me out! The donkey says "I don't have any hands I cant drive".The monkey cries I'm going to die! The donkey says no you wont I'll jump over the quicksand,and when I do reach up ,and grab me by the cock,and I'll pull you out.So the donkey runs,and jumps the quicksand,and the monkey reaches up ,and grabs his cock,and pulls him to safety! The Moral of the story? If you've got a big cock you dont need a Corvette.

  16. mrbubb

    They need to get him a car with a t!ts stereo, and he can blast Queen's "I'm in Love with my Car" all night.

  17. Dallymo

    The nexus of Wonkette and Fark…well, does it get any better than this? No, it does not. Give Joe the Bird!

  18. sarjo

    "Well the girls would turn the color
    Of the avocado when he would drive
    Down their street in his El Dorado
    He could walk down you street
    And girls could not resist his stare
    JOE BIDEN never got called an asshole
    Not like you

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