MAY ALL YOUR MEMES COME TRUE  4:14 pm October 15, 2012

Internet Wants To Buy Old Handsome Joe Biden A Trans Am For Teh Lulz, Charity

by Doktor Zoom

The Shoop That Launched a Thousand Forwards You know that one Onion story that’s nearly mandatory in any discussion of the general awesomeness of Old Handsome Joe Biden, right? (Frankly, we doubt we even needed to link to it, but it’s a habit by now.) You probably also know that Biden knows about the meme, and thinks it’s “hilarious,” right? You might even know that Joe Biden is something of a motorhead in real life, and owns a 1967 Corvette that the Secret Service won’t let him drive — “It’s the one thing I hate about this job. I’m serious.”

So now, some goofballs from Fark have started a campaign to buy Joe Biden an actual white Trans Am like the one in the Onion piece, for the Lulz.

The sad reality is that a bunch of stupidhead “anti-corruption” laws limiting gifts to officeholders will probably prevent Old Handsome Joe from actually taking posession of the car. But the goofballs from Fark hope maybe he’ll wash it in the White House driveway before they auction it off and give the proceeds (and any other funds from this campaign) to four charities: Doctors Without Borders, GLAAD, The Wounded Warrior Project and The Biden Breast Health Initiative. And then they’ll give the Veep a diecast scale model of a similar vehicle.

We are fully behind this campaign because it manages to be absurd, awesome, Full Of Win, and, even, god help us, whimsical. And almost tangentially, it supports four actual good causes. We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala. There’s just no accounting for taste.

[Indiegogo: Buy Vice President Biden a Trans Am]

 
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{ 121 comments }

hagajim October 15, 2012 at 4:18 pm

We should just start a SuperPAC and pay for it that way.

sayprettyplease October 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Yes!!! I'm in !!!!

DrunkIrishman October 15, 2012 at 4:18 pm

When this is all over, Joe's going to light up a fatty, sit out on the south lawn and blast some Foghat all night long.

Hammiepants October 15, 2012 at 4:25 pm

God I hope so.

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Bad. Ass.

Generation[redacted] October 15, 2012 at 4:37 pm

"Alright alright…"

I_P October 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

"Say man, you got a joint? I'd be a lot cooler if you did…"

PsycWench October 15, 2012 at 5:43 pm

And we will be there.
Can't I dream?

ThankYouJeebus October 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Jill's on board:

Slow ride.

SnarkOff October 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

For the win.

snowpointsecret October 15, 2012 at 4:19 pm

The only thing I can think of is The Price Is Right.

A NEW CAR!

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Plinko on the White House lawn would be awesome.

snowpointsecret October 15, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Doesn't the lawn have a bit of a hill on it? We can play Cliffhangers there too! Brings a new meaning to the fiscal cliff.

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Biden can Initiate Health to my Breast anytime.

SorosBot October 15, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Hey-!

mrblifil October 15, 2012 at 4:42 pm

You realize there's a distinct possibility he might want to move on to transvaginal probing with his wand.

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 4:46 pm

And thanks to Dr Biden we all know exactly how long his wand is. Me likey!

e_z October 15, 2012 at 4:20 pm

White Trans Am? Hell, go for the Gusto and get him the Bandit car, he's earned it.

Oblios_Cap October 15, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala. There’s just no accounting for taste.

I once owned a 1967 Impala. Four doors and a big old V-8. I loved that car.

Buckminster October 15, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Mine's 1962 with the four doors and hardtop. Pretty awesome.

glasspusher October 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Sleeps six!

Buckminster October 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Damn, that's about the truth, but only 2 couples can do the nasty comfortably.

Isyaignert October 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

With a four body trunk.

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Sometimes I think I might equip Vlad's trunk with davits, so I can carry around a Hyundai for shore parties.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:21 pm

As a goofball from Fark, I resemble that remark!

TootsStansbury October 15, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Hey! You're a poet. Didja know it?

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I did not realize but there, it's before my eyes!

I_P October 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

As another goofball from Fark (aka Reddit for teh olds), I do too!

johnnyzhivago October 15, 2012 at 4:22 pm

How about giving him an Amtrak AEM7 Electric Locomotive? They are all being replaced next year. Park one of them in front of the White House.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:22 pm

We only wish The Onion had had the good sense to imagine Old Handsome Joe driving a 1973 Impala.

Say-y-y-y-y, Dok, didn't you mention you drove a 1973 Impala?

And I bet that would fall under the maximum gift regulation!

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I wouldn't dream of giving up Vlad, not even to Old Handsome Joe Biden.

But if he owned another 73 Impala, then maybe we could hang out and talk about our cars. I just know he'd wanna hang out and talk about cars with me.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 4:57 pm

He's got that rep for being very taciturn, but maybe- just maybe- he'd talk cars with you even if he didn't have a '73 Impala. I'm just sayin' it's not impossible…

Monsieur_Grumpe October 15, 2012 at 4:23 pm

To have a 67 Vette and not be able drive it would really suck. I’m not a motor head but I hope they at least let him sit in it and make motor and tire screeching noises.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Apparently he can drive it up and down his driveway in Delaware, which is apparently quite long.

Callyson October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Awww…no snark, this is cute.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Ol' Handsome Joe is edging dangerously close to "beloved" status…

HRH_Maddie October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Shut up and take my money, Fark!

coolhandnuke October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Can Joe strap Ryan to the roof of his Trans Am and do a victory lap around the White House after the election?

Jus_Wonderin October 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Any part of that gets my vote.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Donuts in the South Lawn

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Tony Orlando and Dawn!

LibertyLover October 15, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Biden could tie Ryan to the bumper (with votes) and see if he can get Ryan that sub-2 hour marathon time.

elviouslyqueer October 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Oh please, and sully the roof of a Trans Am with Ryan's sorry ass? No no, Joe can go out, rent a 1969 Dodge Charger, and do a series of practice jumps.

Goonemeritus October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm

No problem just wait 12 years to give it to him, He can drive away in it at the end of the second Biden administration.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm

There’s just no accounting for taste.

I thought the whole point of the Trans Am is that it exemplifies the bad taste of kitschy Americana?

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 4:58 pm

The whole point of the Trans Am is that it exemplifies the bad taste SHEER AWESOME BADASSERY of kitschy Americana 70's DETROIT IRON.

Fixed that for you. (The same can be said of a 73 Impala, of course.)

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 6:03 pm

1981 was 70s?

Sheer awesome badassery only applied in straight lines, of course. I'm also sure Exxon loved that car.

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 6:51 pm

The 1981 Trans-Am actually was a 1970 Trans-Am with slightly different sheet metal, an anemic (even when turbocharged) V-8, lots of anti-smog tweaking, and the fit and finish that made GM cars of the time beloved by all.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm

In other words, the weight of a car designed with a 455 in mind, only with the engine options replaced by smaller, lower compression ratio, emissions-compliant models.

Roy Hobbson October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Biden thinks it’s “hilarious”

Somewhere, the esteemed Dr. Ablow sees this and writes "DEMENTIA CONFIRMED" in his chart. Also, his chart is a box of Arby's curly fries.

Antispandex October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Ah…the blending of testosterone and hydrocarbons! I think all of us, over a certain age, have a little fondness for muscle cars. Mine was an old (but upgraded) "56 Bel Air. However, I think every politician seems more suited to a '70's, windowless, van.

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 4:31 pm

My first car was a '69 Dodge Dart Swinger with a Slant-6. It would go from zero to 60 in about 1.5 hours. It was rad.

Jus_Wonderin October 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Ah, I had a '65 Plymouth Belvedere. LOVED the Slant-6. The car fell apart before the engine gave out.

I miss that car.

Cost me 100 bucks in '76.

Toomush_Infer October 16, 2012 at 8:46 am

Hey, I had a '55 Bel Air and a '65 Plymouth Belvedere! My Belvedere had Positraction and a Push Button Automatic transmission – that slant 6 was a piece of genius….too bad I fell asleep drunk at 3 am and drove it into some farmer's cornfield….suspension was never the same afterwards….

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Dodge made some godawful machines in the '70s. We got stuck with one, ironically, down in Tennessee on a family vacation, when our venerable '73 Impala broke down. Rev. Kincaid got another Impala in '78, and I was stuck driving the P.O.S. Dodge to Community College, getting out at every stoplight and touching a screwdriver to a "special place" under the hood to get the fucking thing started again. Those were the days!

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I learned how to find the 'special place' for the screwdriver to touch in college, too!

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:54 pm

We're still talking about the hand tool, right?

Or is there some trick with vodka and orange juice you kids are doing these days?

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Wow, have we discovered a Poor College Kid's Rite of Passage?!

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I miss sneezing, then getting a speeding ticket.

Antispandex October 15, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Ah, MissTaken, you have stirred up a memory of a really great ride! My first…a '67 Ford Cortina. The floors were a little weak with rust (since it had suvived a flood), I had to baby it to get it to go over a two percent grade, the shift lever popped out of gear every once in a while if you hit a bump too hard, or it just felt like it needed a rest…good times…good times.

Isyaignert October 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

My husband, who is a serious gear head has had three red 1970 Chevelle SS big blocks; one he bought new and two that he restored. Right now he's lookin' super sexy in his 2000 red Camaro t-top. Boys just have a need for speed.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I hope that Trans Am will come with a bunch of Brazilians, so it will be properly accessorized.
~

zumpie October 15, 2012 at 6:05 pm

KKKK!!!!

Hammiepants October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm

This is the greatest idea in the history of fark. Which probs isn't saying much, but still…

ManchuCandidate October 15, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Mittens Romney: "I'm sad that this obviously biased newspaper called the Turnip doesn't make fun of me. I'm well known for my sense of humor. My jokes about messing with the 47% of poor people parasites brought down the house at one of my fund raisers in Palm Beach."

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm
My_pal_HAL October 15, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Sinister, echo chamber laughter.

JustPixelz October 15, 2012 at 4:27 pm

“It’s the one thing I hate about this job.”

True Americans hate so much more about their jobs. Now I'm suspicious. Birf cert or GTFO Joe.

Schmannnity October 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Next up: A new Bentley Mulsanne for Mitt. Give 'til it hurts 47%ers.

BornInATrailer October 15, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Yep, straight up awesome. Especially if they can get him to wash it in the WH driveway to bump up the auction price.

ChillBill October 15, 2012 at 4:29 pm

We should start one to buy Mitt a heart.

Jus_Wonderin October 15, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I just don't think there is room for it in his chassis. I suppose he could wear it on his sleeve as he does when he speaks about his compassion for individuals (but not the entire population).

Isyaignert October 15, 2012 at 6:20 pm

They planted a real human heart in Cheney The Dick, but it hasn't helped. He's still a dick.

pepperpat October 15, 2012 at 9:34 pm

There's just not enough money in the world for that.

elviouslyqueer October 15, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Nice tits, Joe.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Can you imagine ANYone doing something similar for Paul Ryan???

SorosBot October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Maybe they can buy him a brain?

zumpie October 15, 2012 at 6:06 pm

He'd show up after the car washed, pretend to wash it for a sec and claim full credit

weejee October 15, 2012 at 4:31 pm

MAY ALL YOUR MEMES COME TRUE

You'd even be harppy with memezilla?

LibertyLover October 15, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I used to drive a '73 Impala. The dang windshield wipers broke on me the day of a massive snowstorm in Lubbock, Texas.

Dr_Zoidberg October 15, 2012 at 4:31 pm

To quote my good friend Fry, 'Shut up and take my money!'.

SayItWithWookies October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Oh, crap — I just gave my last $4.63 to buy Paul Ryan a poor family to sell for meat.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm

So a poor family now costs about as much as a gallon of gas? This inflation is killing me!

sayprettyplease October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

He can drive past Ablow's office while honking the horn all day long!!

Schmannnity October 15, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Way to sew up the Fast and Loud/Gasmonkey demographic, Joe.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 15, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Why not a bitchin' Camaro?

oenspiek October 15, 2012 at 4:33 pm

A youtube vid of OHJB washing the TransAm would rock! At least, if rock was playing.

kittensdontlie October 15, 2012 at 4:34 pm

If Barry steps it up in the next debate, we can get him a 1973 Impala.

mrblifil October 15, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Perhaps we can get the Brazilian Wonkette Chapter to kick in.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 15, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I'm still here bitches. And I know everytihg.

zumpie October 15, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Make that the Brazilian WAX Wonkette Chapter

DahBoner October 16, 2012 at 11:12 am

OUCH.

SorosBot October 15, 2012 at 4:39 pm

KITT is still the best Trans Am though; I bet Biden's won't even talk.

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Biden would constantly interrupt KITT, disputing it's information. "This fuckin' KITT!"

Negropolis October 16, 2012 at 2:00 am

Hey, he can make it talk, but it'd require the smoking of a substantial amount of herbal cigarettes.

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Drive-by debatings!

calliecallie October 15, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I would let OHJB show me around DC in his Trans Am any day.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Dang, this guy is a chick-magnet!

emmelemm October 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

The Trans Am is a real pussy wagon!

Not_So_Much October 15, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Are they buying him a pair of Jorts to wear when he poses next to it?

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Oh, the joys of Rev. Kincaid's 1978 Impala, the Big-Ass Gray Battleship, with her vast, blue vinyl bench seats, stingy with the winter warm-up, slippery or sticky to the trousers in spring or summer, and her floaty-bloaty handling, as if a preview of the plush, undisturbed slumber awaiting in the afterlife! Driving to work at my first job, Battleship Kincaid hit a VW Golf that suddenly darted in front of me in the parking garage; I was jostled slightly, and the Golf's rear bumper tore off and ricocheted across the garage. Battleship Kincaid was unharmed. She passed away peacefully in her sleep sometime in the late 80's in my sister's garage in Cleveland.

TootsStansbury October 15, 2012 at 4:54 pm

This is teh awesomes. Count me in.

An_Outhouse October 15, 2012 at 4:59 pm

kkkkkkk

Nostrildamus October 15, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Fark is also raising money to buy Paul Ryan a 1999 Altar Boy.

sbj1964 October 15, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A story with a moral: A monkey,and a donkey are walking down the street when they see a Corvette,and say to each other "Nice car."A ways down the street the donkey falls into quicksand,and starts crying I'm going to die!The monkey says no you wont I'll get the Corvette,and pull you out.The monkey gets into the Vette turns the keys puts his foot on the gas,and comes back,and pulls the donkey out of the quicksand.They start walking down the street again this time the monkey falls into the quicksand.He yells go back ,and get the Corvette,and pull me out! The donkey says "I don't have any hands I cant drive".The monkey cries I'm going to die! The donkey says no you wont I'll jump over the quicksand,and when I do reach up ,and grab me by the cock,and I'll pull you out.So the donkey runs,and jumps the quicksand,and the monkey reaches up ,and grabs his cock,and pulls him to safety! The Moral of the story? If you've got a big cock you dont need a Corvette.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 15, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Dad?

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Kid Zoom just laughed orange soda out his nose.

mrbubb October 15, 2012 at 5:41 pm

They need to get him a car with a t!ts stereo, and he can blast Queen's "I'm in Love with my Car" all night.

Pat_Pending October 15, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Any idea that results in a Sammy Hagar earworm is a bad idea to me.

Lazy Media October 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I always thought of Uncle Joe as an El Camino man, myself.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm

With a tarp in the back so he can make a sweet hot tub any time he wants.

fuflans October 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm

whenever joe biden asks me for money i have to give it to him,

Dallymo October 15, 2012 at 10:12 pm

The nexus of Wonkette and Fark…well, does it get any better than this? No, it does not. Give Joe the Bird!

sarjo October 15, 2012 at 10:17 pm

"Well the girls would turn the color
Of the avocado when he would drive
Down their street in his El Dorado
He could walk down you street
And girls could not resist his stare
JOE BIDEN never got called an asshole
Not like you
Asshole"

Biff October 15, 2012 at 11:21 pm

At first, I thought it said beast health, and I was like OK, that's cool…

Negropolis October 16, 2012 at 2:02 am

Alternate Biden: "You mean I can't park it at the Naval Observatory? What a bunch of stuff!"

ttommyunger October 16, 2012 at 9:51 am

I Luvs me some Joe, but there's way too many wheels there to make it interesting.

DahBoner October 16, 2012 at 11:10 am

1973 Chevrolet Impala

Does it come "fully loaded" with the Vlad the Impaler option???

Doktor Zoom October 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Precisely! But did I mention it LOOKS and SOUNDS totally badass? Especially with the T-top open and a Night Ranger tape playing really loud?

You…you didn't think I meant "70'S DETROIT IRON" to mean an "actually good drivable car," did you? I can see how that might have been ambiguous.

NIGHT RANGER!!!!!!!!

GunToting[Redacted] October 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Late to the party, but my grad school car had a pre-flight ritual of putting a sawed-off sledgehammer handle against the starter and hitting said handle with a smaller hammer to get the solenoid rotor lined up away from the bad sections.

Chet Kincaid_ October 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

That's some hardcore "there I fixed it," man!

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