In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s), there lived a race of people (Americans) who were so fucking stupid they spent hundreds of dollars each on gross butt-faced dolls called “Cabbage Patch Kids.” Then people woke up one day and said “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.
This had the sad effect of making the Cabbage Patch Kid company worth as much as if it had been bought and harvested by Bain, but today brings the shocking news that the company is somehow still in existence, and is proving it by releasing these nightmare terror dolls, which purport to look like our electoral candidates! Behold them after the jump … IF YOU DARE.
Here are Jesse Jackson Jr. and Joe Lieberman, obviously.
Here are Michael Dukakis and Michele Bachmann.
Egg Romney Cabbage Patch doll can be found here.
We hope you enjoyed this nightmare collection of election-themed terror. We know we didn’t.
[WIOD]
{ 149 comments }
That Michelle doll has Hillary's legs.
CANKLE LIBEL!
Are we allowed to call her Cankles McSwampsow again?
When did you stop?
Piano legs.
One day, we all reach a stage of life in which we realize that those health classes back in junior high only told us part of the story. A lot of unfortunate things happen to our bodies when we get in our 50's or so, including swelling of the ankles in women. Ankle swelling is uncomfortable, but it's preferable to the male equivalent…going out and buying mid-life crisis car and trying to avoid acting one's age.
Judging from my spam folder, it's more often ED and BPH than Porsche.
As long as they're covered by Medicare and Medicaid, no problem! Hardons are an essential element of public health!
Oh right, because only 30-somethings get boob jobs, right?
Paid for by middle aged and older men, of course.
You have an odd definition of "paid for"…
I live sort of near Las Vegas. There's something really special about seeing a bunch of 80 year-old former showgirls with awesome tits.
Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there. Y'know, that might just work out for her. Something to get Marcus interested again.
Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there.
Well that might be a way to charm Marcus.
"Show me where he touched you on the doll. And do it slowly…. yeah."
-Marcus
Needs moar lisp.
Look Out Chucky, You have competition.
I dunno, that last pic looks like the Marcus Bachmann model with his latest patient "cured" ("He's not gay anymore, just happy to be straight!")
It's like Cabbage Patch Chucky all over again – thanks for the dreams….
It's almost as if they put different clothes and skin color on the same dumb, butt-ugly dolls and tried to convince their customers that the dolls were the likenesses of famous people.
Yes, almost.
My daughter got a Cabbage Patch doll once.
She bit the nose off and after we resewed it together, it looked like Chucky.
I wonder if we could do the same thing to the Ryan doll?
Oh hell, why stop at the nose?
Rmoney doll is a fake. No bullet hole in the flag pin.
“This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.
I'm telling you, man, put your money in Tulip Bulbs. Fortunes will be made.
No, POGS!
Start with my collection. The truck's backed up and I have my shovel waiting
Or Facebook. Heh heh heh.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice, right?
No, I think the cliche' he's looking for is "what's old is new again" (also the GOP motto).
this makes me nostalgic for geocities, pets.com and bernie ebbers.
good time the 90s, good times.
Cabbage Patch Mitt's head is not big enough.
Mattel's Ken doll libel, also.
The only difference is that Ken's got a more lifelike….economic plan.
How many skunks died for Mitt's b&w hair?
The Obama doll has more enthusiasm than our Prez did at the 1st debate.
Crap like this is why I hate 53% of Americans. And why I didn't have kids: also too.
Are these to stick voodoo needles in?
Well, the one of Frank Caliendo up there looks extremely lifelike — the other ones, not so much.
Damn you, I spelled his name wrong searching on the page!! I one-upped you with an image search, though.
Cabbage Patch dolls came with a Birth Certificate. I demand the release of the long form original Obama doll certificate.
Otherwise, Orly Taitz mst filz lawsoot aganst impostr Obma doll.
I give up on posting here.
was ist los, no_gravity? (What's wrong?) :(
Probably lamenting that no matter how clever, someone else always seems to beat him (and me) to the punchline.
Posts getting sent to moderation if bad words used, such as S**** P****.
sock puppet?
Gravity, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS UP with Intense Debate. They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz. Supposedly their complaint form will be open at 10 PST (even a form is always closed). We may have to switch systems, but then all old comments will be lost ….
K, thanks. I believe you because you throw great Wonkette drink thingies.
Yes, I had a post go missing the other day in a Brazilian-free thread.
That is insane that you can only complain at designated times. Seems like a good thing for everyone if you can vent your frustrations more quickly even if nothing gets done any faster…
They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz.
You wanted them to do something and they did something! Well, it wasn't the something you wanted but still! Why must you always demand more?
Also, want to say I'm sorry to Rebecca. I should have realized, since I'm a person who does websites, the shitty weekend you had with the Brazilians and didn't need another whiner around here. Also, it sucks that there's only 3 options for WP commenting systems and they all equally sucky. I don't know if either DISQUS or LiveFyre is any better than IntenseDebate so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and a harder place.
No, Gravity, I always want to know if comments are getting deleted for no reason.
I think the racists will have some hilarious discussions about which produce patch the Obama dolls are actually from.
Eggplant Parmesan libel!
omg. That Cabbage Patch Cuties Poodle is horrifying.
Oh saccharine sweet holy satanic god – I won't be able to sleep for weeks now. It's even worse than Jeff Koons' "Popples," if that's even possible.
Actually, I find it adorable in a "Invasion of the Body Snatchers banjo player/bulldog hybrid sort of way."
When did the flag pin become the uniform?
Speaking of which, Paul Ryan won the VP debate because his flag pin was bigger than Biden's.
9/11 changed everything. Remember when take me out to the ballgame was the song, not god bless america?
History is going to look back on bin laden as the most efficient motherfucker in history. He managed to ruin this country with 19 guys carrying razor blades.
I dunno if that's really when flag pins became a thing, but I just hate that they are mandatory.
Flag pins were around before, but you're dead right about the resurgence of that god-awful God Bless America (the song that Woody wrote This Land is your Land as a reply to).
"Those were supposed to pay for my retirement!" said sad, white, corn-fed American lady after the Cabbage Patch bubble popped.
Stupidity is expensive.
As it should be.
Be warned. We know what happened to Baby Jane.
No, I don't. Whatever happened to her?
Autographed butt-cheeks or it ain't legit.
In an attempt to figure out whether all Cabbage Patch kids have names tattooed on their butts, the google machine directed me to this cabbage patch mythology FAQ page: http://www.funtrivia.com/en/subtopics/Cabbage-Pat…. I don't know why, but I am terrified.
Cabbage Patch cereal? Yeah, that's deeply scary.
Soylent Green is
peoplecabbage patch dolls!Despite its head being stuffed with foam, the Paul Ryan doll is smarter than its real life counter part.
It's more of a "Cabbage Punch* " doll.
*with votes
And, Lord knows, the Romney doll has more personality than its real-life counterpart.
Foam libel!
I prefer the video of Kathy Lee Griffith dropping the puppy.
Investing in Ugly futures is a tricky market strategy.
Michelle has her hand on Barry's butt. The vixen.
Garbage Pail Kids > Cabbage Patch Kids
To Mitt, of course, 47% of America's children are Garbage Pail Kids.
Garbage pail kids
they never lie …
Aaaah! I'm scared.
In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s),
That wasn't dark swirling mists, it was 1980's hair.
More accurately, it was the hairspray.
AQUA NET LIBEL.
Yes indeed, the hair never swirled, on account of the hairspray. Handy if you couldn't find a bottle opener, though.
For an extra couple bucks you can get magic voodoo spells and with extra long pins.
I like them.
My IRA uses the classic long-term investment strategy, 60% Beanie Babies, and 40% Tax Free Pogs.
You don't have any allocation for Pokemon cards?
Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies around.
except that the Cabbage Patch kids tend to assume one position only.
And are more human.
Yeah, but… oh wait, POLICY positions! Never mind.
Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies
around.//fixed
Jesse Jackson Jr. and Barack Obama must be twins separated at birth.
So this is one time its OK to say "Hey, doll face"?
I call bullshit. I mean, sleeves?
Just in time for Cashmas!
Just in time for Halloween!
Just in time for Halloween.
As if anyone will actually pay cash for one…
Gary Johnson paper dolls coming soon! They're cut out of weathered Ron Paul yard signs.
Well, they got Joe's plugs down pretty well.
A street fight showdown bewteen CabbagePatch political impersonators and Million Muppet Marchers** is something I would pay to see!
** via Wonkville poster chascates
Those aren't Cabbage Patch dolls, they're Frank Caliendo in makeup! http://www2.tboextra.com/mgmedia/image/0/354/2228…
The Jason Alexander get-up looks dead-on — but DeNiro? That calls for more suspension of disbelief than I can muster.
Huh!
I thought it was John Goodman!
Is it racist to say that all Cabbage Patch dolls look alike to me? Discuss.
I see a market for them in child trauma therapy…"Show me where the bad Ryan doll touched you…"
but…btw…Dukakis?!?
The Mitt doll should be a rock 'em sock 'em robot.
Yeah!!!
Wow. That poor Michelle has some serious edema.
AOTK?
Thanks, I was hoping I wouldn't have to….
No prob. We all should try to pitch in and do the dirty work .
The Michelle doll looks sturdy enough to accept my modifications. None of your business, that's what.
Are those… cankles on the Michelle Obama doll? OH HELL NO THEY DIN'T.
Also, that's not Joe Lieberman, sillies. That's Lindsey Graham, with his boyfriend Allen West. Duh.
Def. got some "Miss Piggy legs" goin on there…
I should've known coming this late to the party someone would've pointed out the cankles before me.
They do make a cute couple, don't they?
Worst. Sex. Dolls. Ever…….
I think I'd rather see horrible stories about the Koch brothers (like the one I heard this morning on Democracy Now) than look at these creepy things.
OK, so I'm *not* the only one who finds these things scary?
Would that perchance be the kidnapping and interrogation story?
No it was a coercion and intimidation of employees' political activities story.
My husband use to work for Koch Industries. At Xmas they would send a year-end letter/ Xmas greetings. It was a bunch of weird, the end is near, threatening gibberish that made no sense. They just sounded insane. I thought the company was in trouble. My husband left shortly after to go to a much better job.
BTW, that can't be Obama – see the flag pin!…
Where's my Martha Raddatz Cabbage Patch Kid?
I am particulaty fond of the Archie Bunker doll displayed.
oi eu não sou do Brasil ….kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Is that the secret socialist communist Kenyan salute Obama is giving?
Good grief. Our FLOTUS does not have cankles!
Where's the Garbage Pail Kid card for Mittens?
CANKLES!!!11!
It's time that a few of those Cabbage Patch dolls give it up to the inevitable Sauerkraut bin.
I had finally forgotten about that belt Michelle wore with everything for the first year. That shit was giving me nightmares.
The goggles – they do nothing!!
The Chris Christie doll doubles as a bean bag chair.
Also, vice versa.
I got that beat. Here's a site that will turn 2 photos into a lifelike small figurine (voodoo doll, nightmare tool): http://www.sculpteo.com/en/avatar-introduction/
"We use the figurine for celebrating sales excellence – it’s far better than a photo on the wall! Everybody loves the idea…"
Everybody's on pins & needles waiting to find out who wins this month's award…
I like the way they don't look anything like the candidates.
Damn you, everything you write, I read in Zoidberg's voice!
Why is the Obama doll not singing the Star Spangled Banner?
Joe Leiberman actually looks like Rush Limbaugh.
How long until some jackass claims the Obama and Jackson Jr. dolls are from the Limited Edition Watermelon Patch Collection?
Why does Michelle have cankles?
Oprah and Gary Coleman are running for office?
Mitt and Paul appear to have just gotten gay married. Not that there's anything wrong with that…
"Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?"
All of them, Katie.
I've been making Romney/Ryan look-alike dolls every morning and just flushing them away (slaps forehead with palm).
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