DO THE CABBAGE PATCH  11:24 am October 15, 2012

Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Look, Michelle Obama is a hooker doll now!
In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s), there lived a race of people (Americans) who were so fucking stupid they spent hundreds of dollars each on gross butt-faced dolls called “Cabbage Patch Kids.” Then people woke up one day and said “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

This had the sad effect of making the Cabbage Patch Kid company worth as much as if it had been bought and harvested by Bain, but today brings the shocking news that the company is somehow still in existence, and is proving it by releasing these nightmare terror dolls, which purport to look like our electoral candidates! Behold them after the jump … IF YOU DARE.

Here are Jesse Jackson Jr. and Joe Lieberman, obviously.Murder Dolls

Here are Michael Dukakis and Michele Bachmann.

Egg Romney Cabbage Patch doll can be found here.

We hope you enjoyed this nightmare collection of election-themed terror. We know we didn’t.

[WIOD]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 149 comments }

Schmannnity October 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

That Michelle doll has Hillary's legs.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

CANKLE LIBEL!

prommie October 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Are we allowed to call her Cankles McSwampsow again?

bobbert October 15, 2012 at 5:01 pm

When did you stop?

eggsacklywright October 15, 2012 at 11:33 am

Piano legs.

Terry October 15, 2012 at 11:56 am

One day, we all reach a stage of life in which we realize that those health classes back in junior high only told us part of the story. A lot of unfortunate things happen to our bodies when we get in our 50's or so, including swelling of the ankles in women. Ankle swelling is uncomfortable, but it's preferable to the male equivalent…going out and buying mid-life crisis car and trying to avoid acting one's age.

Schmannnity October 15, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Judging from my spam folder, it's more often ED and BPH than Porsche.

Lot_49 October 15, 2012 at 1:04 pm

As long as they're covered by Medicare and Medicaid, no problem! Hardons are an essential element of public health!

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Oh right, because only 30-somethings get boob jobs, right?

Terry October 15, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Paid for by middle aged and older men, of course.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

You have an odd definition of "paid for"…

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I live sort of near Las Vegas. There's something really special about seeing a bunch of 80 year-old former showgirls with awesome tits.

Lascauxcaveman October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there. Y'know, that might just work out for her. Something to get Marcus interested again.

weejee October 15, 2012 at 11:32 am

Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there.

Well that might be a way to charm Marcus.

ManchuCandidate October 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

"Show me where he touched you on the doll. And do it slowly…. yeah."
-Marcus

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Needs moar lisp.

sbj1964 October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

Look Out Chucky, You have competition.

Lucidamente1 October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

I dunno, that last pic looks like the Marcus Bachmann model with his latest patient "cured" ("He's not gay anymore, just happy to be straight!")

Toomush_Infer October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

It's like Cabbage Patch Chucky all over again – thanks for the dreams….

Come here a minute October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

It's almost as if they put different clothes and skin color on the same dumb, butt-ugly dolls and tried to convince their customers that the dolls were the likenesses of famous people.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 11:57 am

Yes, almost.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

My daughter got a Cabbage Patch doll once.

She bit the nose off and after we resewed it together, it looked like Chucky.

I wonder if we could do the same thing to the Ryan doll?

Tio_Doidinho October 15, 2012 at 11:43 am

Oh hell, why stop at the nose?

weejee October 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

Rmoney doll is a fake. No bullet hole in the flag pin.

Chichikovovich October 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

“This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

I'm telling you, man, put your money in Tulip Bulbs. Fortunes will be made.

actor212 October 15, 2012 at 11:32 am

No, POGS!

Start with my collection. The truck's backed up and I have my shovel waiting

FlownOver October 15, 2012 at 11:41 am

Or Facebook. Heh heh heh.

Crank_Tango October 15, 2012 at 11:53 am

Lightning never strikes the same place twice, right?

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:00 pm

No, I think the cliche' he's looking for is "what's old is new again" (also the GOP motto).

fuflans October 15, 2012 at 4:42 pm

this makes me nostalgic for geocities, pets.com and bernie ebbers.

good time the 90s, good times.

ChillBill October 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

Cabbage Patch Mitt's head is not big enough.

Mattel's Ken doll libel, also.

SayItWithWookies October 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

The only difference is that Ken's got a more lifelike….economic plan.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:01 pm

How many skunks died for Mitt's b&w hair?

FlyOverGirl October 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

The Obama doll has more enthusiasm than our Prez did at the 1st debate.

OkieDokieDog October 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

Crap like this is why I hate 53% of Americans. And why I didn't have kids: also too.

mrpuma2u October 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

Are these to stick voodoo needles in?

SayItWithWookies October 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

Well, the one of Frank Caliendo up there looks extremely lifelike — the other ones, not so much.

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 11:51 am

Damn you, I spelled his name wrong searching on the page!! I one-upped you with an image search, though.

boobookitteh October 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

Cabbage Patch dolls came with a Birth Certificate. I demand the release of the long form original Obama doll certificate.

Francis Urquhart October 15, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Otherwise, Orly Taitz mst filz lawsoot aganst impostr Obma doll.

no_gravity October 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

I give up on posting here.

commiegirl99 October 15, 2012 at 11:57 am

was ist los, no_gravity? (What's wrong?) :(

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Probably lamenting that no matter how clever, someone else always seems to beat him (and me) to the punchline.

no_gravity October 15, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Posts getting sent to moderation if bad words used, such as S**** P****.

swordfis October 15, 2012 at 12:34 pm

sock puppet?

commiegirl99 October 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Gravity, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS UP with Intense Debate. They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz. Supposedly their complaint form will be open at 10 PST (even a form is always closed). We may have to switch systems, but then all old comments will be lost ….

no_gravity October 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

K, thanks. I believe you because you throw great Wonkette drink thingies.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Yes, I had a post go missing the other day in a Brazilian-free thread.

That is insane that you can only complain at designated times. Seems like a good thing for everyone if you can vent your frustrations more quickly even if nothing gets done any faster…

HistoriCat October 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm

They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz.

You wanted them to do something and they did something! Well, it wasn't the something you wanted but still! Why must you always demand more?

no_gravity October 15, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Also, want to say I'm sorry to Rebecca. I should have realized, since I'm a person who does websites, the shitty weekend you had with the Brazilians and didn't need another whiner around here. Also, it sucks that there's only 3 options for WP commenting systems and they all equally sucky. I don't know if either DISQUS or LiveFyre is any better than IntenseDebate so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and a harder place.

commiegirl99 October 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

No, Gravity, I always want to know if comments are getting deleted for no reason.

gullywompr October 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

I think the racists will have some hilarious discussions about which produce patch the Obama dolls are actually from.

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 11:50 am

Eggplant Parmesan libel!

OkieDokieDog October 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

omg. That Cabbage Patch Cuties Poodle is horrifying.

OneYieldRegular October 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

Oh saccharine sweet holy satanic god – I won't be able to sleep for weeks now. It's even worse than Jeff Koons' "Popples," if that's even possible.

Serolf_Divad October 15, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Actually, I find it adorable in a "Invasion of the Body Snatchers banjo player/bulldog hybrid sort of way."

BoatOfVelociraptors October 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

When did the flag pin become the uniform?

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

Speaking of which, Paul Ryan won the VP debate because his flag pin was bigger than Biden's.

Crank_Tango October 15, 2012 at 11:56 am

9/11 changed everything. Remember when take me out to the ballgame was the song, not god bless america?

History is going to look back on bin laden as the most efficient motherfucker in history. He managed to ruin this country with 19 guys carrying razor blades.

I dunno if that's really when flag pins became a thing, but I just hate that they are mandatory.

bobbert October 15, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Flag pins were around before, but you're dead right about the resurgence of that god-awful God Bless America (the song that Woody wrote This Land is your Land as a reply to).

UW8316154 October 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

"Those were supposed to pay for my retirement!" said sad, white, corn-fed American lady after the Cabbage Patch bubble popped.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Stupidity is expensive.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:23 pm

As it should be.

ThankYouJeebus October 15, 2012 at 11:32 am

Be warned. We know what happened to Baby Jane.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:32 pm

No, I don't. Whatever happened to her?

Mumbletypeg October 15, 2012 at 11:33 am

Autographed butt-cheeks or it ain't legit.

realmurkin October 15, 2012 at 11:55 am

In an attempt to figure out whether all Cabbage Patch kids have names tattooed on their butts, the google machine directed me to this cabbage patch mythology FAQ page: http://www.funtrivia.com/en/subtopics/Cabbage-Pat…. I don't know why, but I am terrified.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Cabbage Patch cereal? Yeah, that's deeply scary.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Soylent Green is people cabbage patch dolls!

ManchuCandidate October 15, 2012 at 11:34 am

Despite its head being stuffed with foam, the Paul Ryan doll is smarter than its real life counter part.

PsycWench October 15, 2012 at 11:41 am

It's more of a "Cabbage Punch* " doll.

*with votes

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

And, Lord knows, the Romney doll has more personality than its real-life counterpart.

JustPixelz October 15, 2012 at 11:56 am

Foam libel!

Chow Yun Flat October 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

I prefer the video of Kathy Lee Griffith dropping the puppy.

eggsacklywright October 15, 2012 at 11:36 am

Investing in Ugly futures is a tricky market strategy.

EatsBabyDingos October 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

Michelle has her hand on Barry's butt. The vixen.

noodlesalad October 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

Garbage Pail Kids > Cabbage Patch Kids

To Mitt, of course, 47% of America's children are Garbage Pail Kids.

UnholyMoses October 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

Garbage pail kids
they never lie …

SorosBot October 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

Aaaah! I'm scared.

PsycWench October 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s),
That wasn't dark swirling mists, it was 1980's hair.

ManchuCandidate October 15, 2012 at 11:41 am

More accurately, it was the hairspray.

elviouslyqueer October 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

AQUA NET LIBEL.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yes indeed, the hair never swirled, on account of the hairspray. Handy if you couldn't find a bottle opener, though.

Beowoof October 15, 2012 at 11:41 am

For an extra couple bucks you can get magic voodoo spells and with extra long pins.

DerrickWildcat October 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

I like them.

prommie October 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

My IRA uses the classic long-term investment strategy, 60% Beanie Babies, and 40% Tax Free Pogs.

bobbert October 15, 2012 at 5:08 pm

You don't have any allocation for Pokemon cards?

JustPixelz October 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies around.

PsycWench October 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

except that the Cabbage Patch kids tend to assume one position only.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

And are more human.

viennawoods13 October 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Yeah, but… oh wait, POLICY positions! Never mind.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies around.
//fixed

PsycWench October 15, 2012 at 11:43 am

Jesse Jackson Jr. and Barack Obama must be twins separated at birth.

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

So this is one time its OK to say "Hey, doll face"?

FlownOver October 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

I call bullshit. I mean, sleeves?

Esteev October 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

Just in time for Cashmas!

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 11:51 am

Just in time for Halloween!

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 11:54 am

Just in time for Halloween.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm

As if anyone will actually pay cash for one…

cromiller October 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

Gary Johnson paper dolls coming soon! They're cut out of weathered Ron Paul yard signs.

MistaEko October 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

Well, they got Joe's plugs down pretty well.

Mumbletypeg October 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

A street fight showdown bewteen CabbagePatch political impersonators and Million Muppet Marchers** is something I would pay to see!

** via Wonkville poster chascates

Chet Kincaid_ October 15, 2012 at 11:51 am

Those aren't Cabbage Patch dolls, they're Frank Caliendo in makeup! http://www2.tboextra.com/mgmedia/image/0/354/2228

SayItWithWookies October 15, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The Jason Alexander get-up looks dead-on — but DeNiro? That calls for more suspension of disbelief than I can muster.

DemmeFatale October 15, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Huh!
I thought it was John Goodman!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 15, 2012 at 11:53 am

Is it racist to say that all Cabbage Patch dolls look alike to me? Discuss.

VeraSevera October 15, 2012 at 11:58 am

I see a market for them in child trauma therapy…"Show me where the bad Ryan doll touched you…"

but…btw…Dukakis?!?

Mittaplasia October 15, 2012 at 11:58 am

The Mitt doll should be a rock 'em sock 'em robot.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Yeah!!!

proudgrampa October 15, 2012 at 11:59 am

Wow. That poor Michelle has some serious edema.

Blueb4sinrise October 15, 2012 at 12:01 pm

AOTK?

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Thanks, I was hoping I wouldn't have to….

Blueb4sinrise October 15, 2012 at 1:06 pm

No prob. We all should try to pitch in and do the dirty work .

el_donaldo October 15, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The Michelle doll looks sturdy enough to accept my modifications. None of your business, that's what.

elviouslyqueer October 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Are those… cankles on the Michelle Obama doll? OH HELL NO THEY DIN'T.

Also, that's not Joe Lieberman, sillies. That's Lindsey Graham, with his boyfriend Allen West. Duh.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Def. got some "Miss Piggy legs" goin on there…

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I should've known coming this late to the party someone would've pointed out the cankles before me.

Dr_Zoidberg October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

They do make a cute couple, don't they?

Toomush_Infer October 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Worst. Sex. Dolls. Ever…….

TootsStansbury October 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I think I'd rather see horrible stories about the Koch brothers (like the one I heard this morning on Democracy Now) than look at these creepy things.

BadKitty904 October 15, 2012 at 12:09 pm

OK, so I'm *not* the only one who finds these things scary?

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Would that perchance be the kidnapping and interrogation story?

TootsStansbury October 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm

No it was a coercion and intimidation of employees' political activities story.

LagunaB October 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm

My husband use to work for Koch Industries. At Xmas they would send a year-end letter/ Xmas greetings. It was a bunch of weird, the end is near, threatening gibberish that made no sense. They just sounded insane. I thought the company was in trouble. My husband left shortly after to go to a much better job.

Toomush_Infer October 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

BTW, that can't be Obama – see the flag pin!…

terriblyfamous October 15, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Where's my Martha Raddatz Cabbage Patch Kid?

Oblios_Cap October 15, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I am particulaty fond of the Archie Bunker doll displayed.

el_donaldo October 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm

oi eu não sou do Brasil ….kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

johnnyzhivago October 15, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Is that the secret socialist communist Kenyan salute Obama is giving?

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Good grief. Our FLOTUS does not have cankles!

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Where's the Garbage Pail Kid card for Mittens?

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm

CANKLES!!!11!

James Michael Curley October 15, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It's time that a few of those Cabbage Patch dolls give it up to the inevitable Sauerkraut bin.

JadedPreppy October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I had finally forgotten about that belt Michelle wore with everything for the first year. That shit was giving me nightmares.

Dr_Zoidberg October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The goggles – they do nothing!!

Tommmcatt_Again October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The Chris Christie doll doubles as a bean bag chair.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Also, vice versa.

chascates October 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I got that beat. Here's a site that will turn 2 photos into a lifelike small figurine (voodoo doll, nightmare tool): http://www.sculpteo.com/en/avatar-introduction/

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"We use the figurine for celebrating sales excellence – it’s far better than a photo on the wall! Everybody loves the idea…"

Everybody's on pins & needles waiting to find out who wins this month's award…

Dr_Zoidberg October 15, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I like the way they don't look anything like the candidates.

Biff October 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Damn you, everything you write, I read in Zoidberg's voice!

T3rbo October 15, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Why is the Obama doll not singing the Star Spangled Banner?

randcoolcatdaddy October 15, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Joe Leiberman actually looks like Rush Limbaugh.

MissTaken October 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm

How long until some jackass claims the Obama and Jackson Jr. dolls are from the Limited Edition Watermelon Patch Collection?

HRH_Maddie October 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Why does Michelle have cankles?

An_Outhouse October 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Oprah and Gary Coleman are running for office?

HarryButtle October 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Mitt and Paul appear to have just gotten gay married. Not that there's anything wrong with that…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 15, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?"

All of them, Katie.

ttommyunger October 16, 2012 at 10:33 am

I've been making Romney/Ryan look-alike dolls every morning and just flushing them away (slaps forehead with palm).

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