do the cabbage patch

Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?

Look, Michelle Obama is a hooker doll now!
In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s), there lived a race of people (Americans) who were so fucking stupid they spent hundreds of dollars each on gross butt-faced dolls called “Cabbage Patch Kids.” Then people woke up one day and said “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

This had the sad effect of making the Cabbage Patch Kid company worth as much as if it had been bought and harvested by Bain, but today brings the shocking news that the company is somehow still in existence, and is proving it by releasing these nightmare terror dolls, which purport to look like our electoral candidates! Behold them after the jump … IF YOU DARE.

Here are Jesse Jackson Jr. and Joe Lieberman, obviously.Murder Dolls

Here are Michael Dukakis and Michele Bachmann.

Egg Romney Cabbage Patch doll can be found here.

We hope you enjoyed this nightmare collection of election-themed terror. We know we didn’t.

[WIOD]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Schmannnity

    That Michelle doll has Hillary's legs.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      CANKLE LIBEL!

      • prommie

        Are we allowed to call her Cankles McSwampsow again?

        • bobbert

          When did you stop?

    • eggsacklywright

      Piano legs.

    • Terry

      One day, we all reach a stage of life in which we realize that those health classes back in junior high only told us part of the story. A lot of unfortunate things happen to our bodies when we get in our 50's or so, including swelling of the ankles in women. Ankle swelling is uncomfortable, but it's preferable to the male equivalent…going out and buying mid-life crisis car and trying to avoid acting one's age.

      • Schmannnity

        Judging from my spam folder, it's more often ED and BPH than Porsche.

        • Lot_49

          As long as they're covered by Medicare and Medicaid, no problem! Hardons are an essential element of public health!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh right, because only 30-somethings get boob jobs, right?

        • Terry

          Paid for by middle aged and older men, of course.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            You have an odd definition of "paid for"…

        • Biff

          I live sort of near Las Vegas. There's something really special about seeing a bunch of 80 year-old former showgirls with awesome tits.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there. Y'know, that might just work out for her. Something to get Marcus interested again.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there.

      Well that might be a way to charm Marcus.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      "Show me where he touched you on the doll. And do it slowly…. yeah."
      -Marcus

      • Esteev

        Needs moar lisp.

  • sbj1964

    Look Out Chucky, You have competition.

  • Lucidamente1

    I dunno, that last pic looks like the Marcus Bachmann model with his latest patient "cured" ("He's not gay anymore, just happy to be straight!")

  • Toomush_Infer

    It's like Cabbage Patch Chucky all over again – thanks for the dreams….

  • Come here a minute

    It's almost as if they put different clothes and skin color on the same dumb, butt-ugly dolls and tried to convince their customers that the dolls were the likenesses of famous people.

    • mille derps

      Yes, almost.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    My daughter got a Cabbage Patch doll once.

    She bit the nose off and after we resewed it together, it looked like Chucky.

    I wonder if we could do the same thing to the Ryan doll?

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Oh hell, why stop at the nose?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Rmoney doll is a fake. No bullet hole in the flag pin.

  • Chichikovovich

    “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

    I'm telling you, man, put your money in Tulip Bulbs. Fortunes will be made.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      No, POGS!

      Start with my collection. The truck's backed up and I have my shovel waiting

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Or Facebook. Heh heh heh.

    • Crank_Tango

      Lightning never strikes the same place twice, right?

      • mille derps

        No, I think the cliche' he's looking for is "what's old is new again" (also the GOP motto).

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      this makes me nostalgic for geocities, pets.com and bernie ebbers.

      good time the 90s, good times.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Cabbage Patch Mitt's head is not big enough.

    Mattel's Ken doll libel, also.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      The only difference is that Ken's got a more lifelike….economic plan.

    • mille derps

      How many skunks died for Mitt's b&w hair?

  • FlyOverGirl

    The Obama doll has more enthusiasm than our Prez did at the 1st debate.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Crap like this is why I hate 53% of Americans. And why I didn't have kids: also too.

  • mrpuma2u

    Are these to stick voodoo needles in?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Well, the one of Frank Caliendo up there looks extremely lifelike — the other ones, not so much.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Damn you, I spelled his name wrong searching on the page!! I one-upped you with an image search, though.

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Cabbage Patch dolls came with a Birth Certificate. I demand the release of the long form original Obama doll certificate.

    • Francis Urquhart

      Otherwise, Orly Taitz mst filz lawsoot aganst impostr Obma doll.

  • no_gravity

    I give up on posting here.

    • commiegirl99

      was ist los, no_gravity? (What's wrong?) :(

      • Biff

        Probably lamenting that no matter how clever, someone else always seems to beat him (and me) to the punchline.

      • no_gravity

        Posts getting sent to moderation if bad words used, such as S**** P****.

        • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

          sock puppet?

        • commiegirl99

          Gravity, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS UP with Intense Debate. They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz. Supposedly their complaint form will be open at 10 PST (even a form is always closed). We may have to switch systems, but then all old comments will be lost ….

          • no_gravity

            K, thanks. I believe you because you throw great Wonkette drink thingies.

          • mille derps

            Yes, I had a post go missing the other day in a Brazilian-free thread.

            That is insane that you can only complain at designated times. Seems like a good thing for everyone if you can vent your frustrations more quickly even if nothing gets done any faster…

          • HistoriCat

            They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz.

            You wanted them to do something and they did something! Well, it wasn't the something you wanted but still! Why must you always demand more?

      • no_gravity

        Also, want to say I'm sorry to Rebecca. I should have realized, since I'm a person who does websites, the shitty weekend you had with the Brazilians and didn't need another whiner around here. Also, it sucks that there's only 3 options for WP commenting systems and they all equally sucky. I don't know if either DISQUS or LiveFyre is any better than IntenseDebate so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and a harder place.

        • commiegirl99

          No, Gravity, I always want to know if comments are getting deleted for no reason.

  • gullywompr

    I think the racists will have some hilarious discussions about which produce patch the Obama dolls are actually from.

    • Esteev

      Eggplant Parmesan libel!

  • OkieDokieDog

    omg. That Cabbage Patch Cuties Poodle is horrifying.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Oh saccharine sweet holy satanic god – I won't be able to sleep for weeks now. It's even worse than Jeff Koons' "Popples," if that's even possible.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Actually, I find it adorable in a "Invasion of the Body Snatchers banjo player/bulldog hybrid sort of way."

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    When did the flag pin become the uniform?

    • Esteev

      Speaking of which, Paul Ryan won the VP debate because his flag pin was bigger than Biden's.

    • Crank_Tango

      9/11 changed everything. Remember when take me out to the ballgame was the song, not god bless america?

      History is going to look back on bin laden as the most efficient motherfucker in history. He managed to ruin this country with 19 guys carrying razor blades.

      I dunno if that's really when flag pins became a thing, but I just hate that they are mandatory.

      • bobbert

        Flag pins were around before, but you're dead right about the resurgence of that god-awful God Bless America (the song that Woody wrote This Land is your Land as a reply to).

  • UW8316154

    "Those were supposed to pay for my retirement!" said sad, white, corn-fed American lady after the Cabbage Patch bubble popped.

    • BadKitty904

      Stupidity is expensive.

      • Biff

        As it should be.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Be warned. We know what happened to Baby Jane.

    • mille derps

      No, I don't. Whatever happened to her?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Autographed butt-cheeks or it ain't legit.

    • realmurkin

      In an attempt to figure out whether all Cabbage Patch kids have names tattooed on their butts, the google machine directed me to this cabbage patch mythology FAQ page: http://www.funtrivia.com/en/subtopics/Cabbage-Pat…. I don't know why, but I am terrified.

      • sullivanst

        Cabbage Patch cereal? Yeah, that's deeply scary.

        • Biff

          Soylent Green is people cabbage patch dolls!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Despite its head being stuffed with foam, the Paul Ryan doll is smarter than its real life counter part.

    • PsycWench

      It's more of a "Cabbage Punch* " doll.

      *with votes

    • BadKitty904

      And, Lord knows, the Romney doll has more personality than its real-life counterpart.

    • JustPixelz

      Foam libel!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    I prefer the video of Kathy Lee Griffith dropping the puppy.

  • eggsacklywright

    Investing in Ugly futures is a tricky market strategy.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Michelle has her hand on Barry's butt. The vixen.

  • noodlesalad

    Garbage Pail Kids > Cabbage Patch Kids

    To Mitt, of course, 47% of America's children are Garbage Pail Kids.

    • UnholyMoses

      Garbage pail kids
      they never lie …

  • SorosBot

    Aaaah! I'm scared.

  • PsycWench

    In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s),
    That wasn't dark swirling mists, it was 1980's hair.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      More accurately, it was the hairspray.

      • elviouslyqueer

        AQUA NET LIBEL.

      • sullivanst

        Yes indeed, the hair never swirled, on account of the hairspray. Handy if you couldn't find a bottle opener, though.

  • Beowoof

    For an extra couple bucks you can get magic voodoo spells and with extra long pins.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I like them.

  • prommie

    My IRA uses the classic long-term investment strategy, 60% Beanie Babies, and 40% Tax Free Pogs.

    • bobbert

      You don't have any allocation for Pokemon cards?

  • JustPixelz

    Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies around.

    • PsycWench

      except that the Cabbage Patch kids tend to assume one position only.

      • BadKitty904

        And are more human.

      • viennawoods13

        Yeah, but… oh wait, POLICY positions! Never mind.

    • Biff

      Romney is the original cabbage patch kid: He's made of money and just lies around.
      //fixed

  • PsycWench

    Jesse Jackson Jr. and Barack Obama must be twins separated at birth.

  • Esteev

    So this is one time its OK to say "Hey, doll face"?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    I call bullshit. I mean, sleeves?

  • Esteev

    Just in time for Cashmas!

    • BadKitty904

      Just in time for Halloween!

    • BadKitty904

      Just in time for Halloween.

    • mille derps

      As if anyone will actually pay cash for one…

  • http://www.cromiller.com cromiller

    Gary Johnson paper dolls coming soon! They're cut out of weathered Ron Paul yard signs.

  • MistaEko

    Well, they got Joe's plugs down pretty well.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    A street fight showdown bewteen CabbagePatch political impersonators and Million Muppet Marchers** is something I would pay to see!

    ** via Wonkville poster chascates

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Those aren't Cabbage Patch dolls, they're Frank Caliendo in makeup! http://www2.tboextra.com/mgmedia/image/0/354/2228

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      The Jason Alexander get-up looks dead-on — but DeNiro? That calls for more suspension of disbelief than I can muster.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Huh!
        I thought it was John Goodman!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Is it racist to say that all Cabbage Patch dolls look alike to me? Discuss.

  • VeraSevera

    I see a market for them in child trauma therapy…"Show me where the bad Ryan doll touched you…"

    but…btw…Dukakis?!?

  • Mittaplasia

    The Mitt doll should be a rock 'em sock 'em robot.

    • BadKitty904

      Yeah!!!

  • proudgrampa

    Wow. That poor Michelle has some serious edema.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    AOTK?

    • mille derps

      Thanks, I was hoping I wouldn't have to….

      • Blueb4sinrise

        No prob. We all should try to pitch in and do the dirty work .

  • el_donaldo

    The Michelle doll looks sturdy enough to accept my modifications. None of your business, that's what.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Are those… cankles on the Michelle Obama doll? OH HELL NO THEY DIN'T.

    Also, that's not Joe Lieberman, sillies. That's Lindsey Graham, with his boyfriend Allen West. Duh.

    • BadKitty904

      Def. got some "Miss Piggy legs" goin on there…

    • sullivanst

      I should've known coming this late to the party someone would've pointed out the cankles before me.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      They do make a cute couple, don't they?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Worst. Sex. Dolls. Ever…….

  • TootsStansbury

    I think I'd rather see horrible stories about the Koch brothers (like the one I heard this morning on Democracy Now) than look at these creepy things.

    • BadKitty904

      OK, so I'm *not* the only one who finds these things scary?

    • sullivanst

      Would that perchance be the kidnapping and interrogation story?

    • TootsStansbury

      No it was a coercion and intimidation of employees' political activities story.

    • LagunaB

      My husband use to work for Koch Industries. At Xmas they would send a year-end letter/ Xmas greetings. It was a bunch of weird, the end is near, threatening gibberish that made no sense. They just sounded insane. I thought the company was in trouble. My husband left shortly after to go to a much better job.

  • Toomush_Infer

    BTW, that can't be Obama – see the flag pin!…

  • terriblyfamous

    Where's my Martha Raddatz Cabbage Patch Kid?

  • Oblios_Cap

    I am particulaty fond of the Archie Bunker doll displayed.

  • el_donaldo

    oi eu não sou do Brasil ….kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Is that the secret socialist communist Kenyan salute Obama is giving?

  • sullivanst

    Good grief. Our FLOTUS does not have cankles!

  • sullivanst

    Where's the Garbage Pail Kid card for Mittens?

  • Biff

    CANKLES!!!11!

  • James Michael Curley

    It's time that a few of those Cabbage Patch dolls give it up to the inevitable Sauerkraut bin.

  • JadedPreppy

    I had finally forgotten about that belt Michelle wore with everything for the first year. That shit was giving me nightmares.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    The goggles – they do nothing!!

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    The Chris Christie doll doubles as a bean bag chair.

    • Biff

      Also, vice versa.

  • chascates

    I got that beat. Here's a site that will turn 2 photos into a lifelike small figurine (voodoo doll, nightmare tool): http://www.sculpteo.com/en/avatar-introduction/

    • mille derps

      "We use the figurine for celebrating sales excellence – it’s far better than a photo on the wall! Everybody loves the idea…"

      Everybody's on pins & needles waiting to find out who wins this month's award…

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I like the way they don't look anything like the candidates.

    • Biff

      Damn you, everything you write, I read in Zoidberg's voice!

  • T3rbo

    Why is the Obama doll not singing the Star Spangled Banner?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Joe Leiberman actually looks like Rush Limbaugh.

  • MissTaken

    How long until some jackass claims the Obama and Jackson Jr. dolls are from the Limited Edition Watermelon Patch Collection?

  • HRH_Maddie

    Why does Michelle have cankles?

  • An_Outhouse

    Oprah and Gary Coleman are running for office?

  • HarryButtle

    Mitt and Paul appear to have just gotten gay married. Not that there's anything wrong with that…

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?"

    All of them, Katie.

  • ttommyunger

    I've been making Romney/Ryan look-alike dolls every morning and just flushing them away (slaps forehead with palm).