do the cabbage patch

Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?

Look, Michelle Obama is a hooker doll now!
In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s), there lived a race of people (Americans) who were so fucking stupid they spent hundreds of dollars each on gross butt-faced dolls called “Cabbage Patch Kids.” Then people woke up one day and said “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

This had the sad effect of making the Cabbage Patch Kid company worth as much as if it had been bought and harvested by Bain, but today brings the shocking news that the company is somehow still in existence, and is proving it by releasing these nightmare terror dolls, which purport to look like our electoral candidates! Behold them after the jump … IF YOU DARE.

Here are Jesse Jackson Jr. and Joe Lieberman, obviously.Murder Dolls

Here are Michael Dukakis and Michele Bachmann.

Egg Romney Cabbage Patch doll can be found here.

We hope you enjoyed this nightmare collection of election-themed terror. We know we didn’t.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. Terry

      One day, we all reach a stage of life in which we realize that those health classes back in junior high only told us part of the story. A lot of unfortunate things happen to our bodies when we get in our 50's or so, including swelling of the ankles in women. Ankle swelling is uncomfortable, but it's preferable to the male equivalent…going out and buying mid-life crisis car and trying to avoid acting one's age.

        1. Lot_49

          As long as they're covered by Medicare and Medicaid, no problem! Hardons are an essential element of public health!

        1. Biff

          I live sort of near Las Vegas. There's something really special about seeing a bunch of 80 year-old former showgirls with awesome tits.

  1. Lascauxcaveman

    Michelle Bachman's looking a little Butch there. Y'know, that might just work out for her. Something to get Marcus interested again.

  2. Lucidamente1

    I dunno, that last pic looks like the Marcus Bachmann model with his latest patient "cured" ("He's not gay anymore, just happy to be straight!")

  3. Come here a minute

    It's almost as if they put different clothes and skin color on the same dumb, butt-ugly dolls and tried to convince their customers that the dolls were the likenesses of famous people.

  4. actor212

    My daughter got a Cabbage Patch doll once.

    She bit the nose off and after we resewed it together, it looked like Chucky.

    I wonder if we could do the same thing to the Ryan doll?

  5. Chichikovovich

    “This is fucking stupid, we are not spending hundreds of dollars on these ‘unique’ ‘collectible’ dolls anymore, because we are not idiots” and went on to invest in Beanie Babies instead, as is much more smarter.

    I'm telling you, man, put your money in Tulip Bulbs. Fortunes will be made.

      1. Biff

        Probably lamenting that no matter how clever, someone else always seems to beat him (and me) to the punchline.

        1. commiegirl99

          Gravity, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS UP with Intense Debate. They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz. Supposedly their complaint form will be open at 10 PST (even a form is always closed). We may have to switch systems, but then all old comments will be lost ….

          1. mille derps

            Yes, I had a post go missing the other day in a Brazilian-free thread.

            That is insane that you can only complain at designated times. Seems like a good thing for everyone if you can vent your frustrations more quickly even if nothing gets done any faster…

          2. HistoriCat

            They let all those fucking Brazilians in here, but start randomly deleting shit from people who actually exist in the Wonketz.

            You wanted them to do something and they did something! Well, it wasn't the something you wanted but still! Why must you always demand more?

      2. no_gravity

        Also, want to say I'm sorry to Rebecca. I should have realized, since I'm a person who does websites, the shitty weekend you had with the Brazilians and didn't need another whiner around here. Also, it sucks that there's only 3 options for WP commenting systems and they all equally sucky. I don't know if either DISQUS or LiveFyre is any better than IntenseDebate so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and a harder place.

  6. gullywompr

    I think the racists will have some hilarious discussions about which produce patch the Obama dolls are actually from.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Oh saccharine sweet holy satanic god – I won't be able to sleep for weeks now. It's even worse than Jeff Koons' "Popples," if that's even possible.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Actually, I find it adorable in a "Invasion of the Body Snatchers banjo player/bulldog hybrid sort of way."

    1. Crank_Tango

      9/11 changed everything. Remember when take me out to the ballgame was the song, not god bless america?

      History is going to look back on bin laden as the most efficient motherfucker in history. He managed to ruin this country with 19 guys carrying razor blades.

      I dunno if that's really when flag pins became a thing, but I just hate that they are mandatory.

      1. bobbert

        Flag pins were around before, but you're dead right about the resurgence of that god-awful God Bless America (the song that Woody wrote This Land is your Land as a reply to).

  7. UW8316154

    "Those were supposed to pay for my retirement!" said sad, white, corn-fed American lady after the Cabbage Patch bubble popped.

  8. noodlesalad

    Garbage Pail Kids > Cabbage Patch Kids

    To Mitt, of course, 47% of America's children are Garbage Pail Kids.

  9. PsycWench

    In the dark, swirling mists of the past (the 1980s),
    That wasn't dark swirling mists, it was 1980's hair.

      1. sullivanst

        Yes indeed, the hair never swirled, on account of the hairspray. Handy if you couldn't find a bottle opener, though.

  10. VeraSevera

    I see a market for them in child trauma therapy…"Show me where the bad Ryan doll touched you…"


  11. el_donaldo

    The Michelle doll looks sturdy enough to accept my modifications. None of your business, that's what.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Are those… cankles on the Michelle Obama doll? OH HELL NO THEY DIN'T.

    Also, that's not Joe Lieberman, sillies. That's Lindsey Graham, with his boyfriend Allen West. Duh.

    1. sullivanst

      I should've known coming this late to the party someone would've pointed out the cankles before me.

  13. TootsStansbury

    I think I'd rather see horrible stories about the Koch brothers (like the one I heard this morning on Democracy Now) than look at these creepy things.

    1. LagunaB

      My husband use to work for Koch Industries. At Xmas they would send a year-end letter/ Xmas greetings. It was a bunch of weird, the end is near, threatening gibberish that made no sense. They just sounded insane. I thought the company was in trouble. My husband left shortly after to go to a much better job.

  14. James Michael Curley

    It's time that a few of those Cabbage Patch dolls give it up to the inevitable Sauerkraut bin.

  15. JadedPreppy

    I had finally forgotten about that belt Michelle wore with everything for the first year. That shit was giving me nightmares.

    1. mille derps

      "We use the figurine for celebrating sales excellence – it’s far better than a photo on the wall! Everybody loves the idea…"

      Everybody's on pins & needles waiting to find out who wins this month's award…

  16. MissTaken

    How long until some jackass claims the Obama and Jackson Jr. dolls are from the Limited Edition Watermelon Patch Collection?

  17. HarryButtle

    Mitt and Paul appear to have just gotten gay married. Not that there's anything wrong with that…

  18. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "Which Of These Election-Themed Cabbage Patch Dolls Will Murder You In Your Sleep?"

    All of them, Katie.

  19. ttommyunger

    I've been making Romney/Ryan look-alike dolls every morning and just flushing them away (slaps forehead with palm).

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