no-shows

‘Joe’ the ‘Plumber’ Has No Time For ‘Debates’

joe plumberRemember Joe the Plumber, that guy who isn’t really named Joe and isn’t really a plumber but nonetheless became famous for no particular reason during the 2008 election and then somehow managed to get a reporting gig for Pajamas Media and subsequently “wrote” a “book” that now sells for about $00.01 on Amazon? Yes, THAT “Joe” the “Plumber.” It pains us to inform you that he is also “running” for Congress with the same zeal he usually reserves for”plumbing” and book-”writing.”

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, the Republican running against U.S. Rep. Marcy Kaptur, D-Toledo, skipped out on the City Club of Cleveland debate Thursday and has earned a reputation for being all but impossible to contact, even by his fellow Republicans.

This is sad for us, because we were looking forward to watching a highlight reel of “Joe” the “Plumber” saying stupid things while Marcy Kaptur rolled her eyes and made jerk-off motions.

The Victory Center, which provides phone banks and logistical support for candidates, hasn’t even received yard signs or campaign literature from Wurzelbacher, she said.

Carrie Miller, spokeswoman for the City Club, said her organization made numerous attempts to reach Wurzelbacher but never heard back. Kaptur ended up speaking alone at Thursday’s event.

…“I’d rather have him in the arena and compete rather than hiding somewhere,” Steve Fought, a veteran campaign staffer working for Kaptur, said…“It’s the voters who lose in this because they deserve to hear what he has to say,” Fought said.

What did the voters do to deserve this? We do not know. But it must be something horrible. Or great, actually, now that we think about it.

[Cleveland Chronicle]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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126 comments

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Probably told the debate moderators he could be there between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM on Tuesday, "please be sure someone's home to answer the door."

  1. Barbara_

    Maybe they haven't received the yard signs yet because no one really wants one. I know I wouldn't want a yard sign of a man who makes 4 figures a year and could probably injure himself just by yawning.

    1. LibertyLover

      Joe Arpaio for the first time has put his wife in his TV ads. It's kinda sad.
      He also has a very, very dirty ad about his opponent being a wife-beater.
      The man has no shame.

  2. SoBeach

    Sounds like the local dems need to organize an intervention and get Joe in front of the cameras and microphones ASAP.

    1. PsycWench

      They need only read some of the 5-star "reviews" of the book into the microphone. Phrases such as "intellectually bankrupt, pathologically dishonest, blatantly hypocritical" and "Somehow, this man figured out how to vomit all over paper and magically form words" work so well in public speaking.

  3. Allmighty_Manos

    “I’d rather have him in the arena and compete rather than hiding somewhere,”

    I guess my incessant screaming to "shut the fuck up" and "jump in a ditch" whenever Joe was on TV really worked.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    Steve Fought, a veteran campaign staffer working for Kaptur, said…“It’s the voters who lose in this because they deserve to hear what he has to say,” Fought said.

    Me thinks the voters are the real winners in this.

    1. miss_grundy

      Not if they vote for this joker. Unfortunately, dumb people live everywhere, so I'm sure that a lot of them will vote for this guy.

    1. HistoriCat

      He's pulling a salary from his campaign ($50,000 maybe?) so who's the more foolish – the fool or the fool who pays him?

      1. ttommyunger

        I'm surprised he can stop pulling his pud long enough to pull anything else.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Actually, he is more dumb than he looks. It is just the cowardice is making him coincidentally do something smart.

      1. ufr980

        There is none. She's if not one of the most intelligent, certainly one of the most prescient people I've ever met. I had a fantastic, if tragic, conversation with her about the consequences of NAFTA on the Mexican farming industry, and the resulting immigration crisis it would cause, in the fall of 1992. She was right, unfortunately.

      1. pdiddycornchips

        Cut a brotha some slack. I posted this before I had my coffee. I meant it won't end well for Joe the Fake Plumber.

  5. freakishlywrong

    One more election cycle with these dumbshits stepping on their own dicks and we may get to be a country that has nice things again.

    1. YouFail4eva

      The problem with people who step on their dicks? Even when they do, they just pretend that you stepped on yours.

      TL;DR: We still won't get nice things.

    1. sullivanst

      I'm wondering whether not-Joe has accomplished the feat of making the local Goobers wish they'd recruited Alan Keyes.

  6. sullivanst

    Joe is attempting the impossible: no matter how hard he tries, he'll still never make Alvin Greene look like a good candidate.

    Presumably by now it's not even a question whether any doubt remains that Sam's main objective in running was to stretch out his 15 minutes a little? Although, yard signs would still help even with that.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Yes, his multiple disabilities need to be mitigated for the debate. This list of impairments include but are not limited to speech, mental, social, work…..

  7. CrunchyKnee

    In Ohio, to win a race, all one has to do is have an 'R' beside ones name. In little Sammy's case I'll let the folks of Ohio say what the 'R' actually stands for.

    1. ufr980

      That depends on what part of Ohio you're in. Southwest and West Central Ohio certainly. Northwest, Northeast and Franklin County are a bit more difficult. And there is a certain amount of populism that still works in Appalachia.

    2. TheMightyHaltor

      Ohio is actually pretty "purple". Presidential votes are always close and we have arguably the most liberal Senator not named Sanders (who has a pretty good shot at winning again – yay!). Ohio appears to be more Republican because the congressional districts have been gerrymandered to all hell. There are about 4 districts that are overwhelmingly Democrat (including Kaptur's), filling the other 14 districts with just enough Republicans to make their seats pretty safe. If you look at the new district maps, Kaptur's district stretches along a narrow strip of Lake Erie coast from Toledo to Cleveland. It's so blatantly rigged that a statewide isse is on the ballot this November to try and fix it.

  8. LibrarianX

    Joe could make more money from writing a paper doll book – you know, where you cut out a character and pretend that it's real?

  9. Chet Kincaid_

    Sean Stipe, the Libertarian candidate in the race, said his campaign strategy has largely been to do the opposite of whatever Kaptur is doing. For instance, Stipe, who wasn’t invited to participate at the City Club debate, said if Kaptur is in Toledo, he’ll campaign in Cleveland.

    This is exactly the level of maturity I would expect from the Libertarian candidate.

  10. Doktor Zoom

    Sr Wurzelbacher foi assistir xerife Arpaio, um inquérito da lésbica casamento secreto de Obama para o seu companheiro paquistanês.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    What did voters do to deserve this?

    They *are* getting their just desserts by God! After all, "Wurzelbacher" translated from the German means "post-Toastie"~

  12. mrblifil

    Carrie Miller, spokeswoman for the City Club, said her organization made numerous attempts to reach Wurzelbacher but never heard back.

    This rather confirms my suspicion that perhaps he never existed in the first place.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      jz:

      Did you know you can purchase a nice set of the collected works of "Dick" Morris on Amazon for about ten cents?

    2. Calapine

      That's because it is an autographed copy. Collectibles are always worth more…

      (I am not joking, take a look at the Amazon link)

  13. vulpes82

    So he's "earned a reputation for being all but impossible to contact, even by his fellow Republicans"? And this is a problem for anyone HOW? Sounds like the perfect arrangement.

  14. TRW Observer

    And then, when he loses, Joe the Plumber will blame it on some librul media conspiracy and the fact that the average voter isn't intellectual enough to support him.

  15. LibertyLover

    “It’s the voters who lose in this because they deserve to hear what he has to say,” Fought said.

    So they can roll their eyes and make jerk off motions, too? No thank you very much.

  16. LibertyLover

    É um dia bonito neste bairro,
    Um belo dia para um vizinho,
    Você seria meu?
    Poderia ser o meu?

    Você não vai, por favor,
    Você não vai, por favor,
    Por favor, você não vai ser o meu próximo?

  17. LibertyLover

    The voters won't recognize the name on the ballot anyway when they are looking for Joe the Plumber and can only find Sam Wurzelbacher.

  18. ibwilliamsi

    He's still working on his talking points.

    "Shit rolls downhill" Check.

    "Don't put your fingers in your mouth" Check.

  19. Halloween Jack

    What did the voters do to deserve this?

    They nominated the douchebag. Someone who tried to turn his use by McCain in a desperate attempt to demonstrate that he's still got the common touch (despite marrying into money decades ago) into his own demi-celebrity, and that's the best the GOP could come up with in a swing state? Between him and Josh Mandel (who looks like one of the alien shape-shifting Founders from Deep Space Nine, and sort of acts like it too), I have to wonder why the Buckeye State is even in play.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    $10,000 sez his campaign contribution financial reports are a bit behind. Additionally, if anyone cared to look into it, I'm betting another $10,000 there are a remarkable number of personal expenditures hidden in there…

  21. DahBoner

    How many Joe the Plumbers™ does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two.

    One to get a beer and one to call an Electrician….

  22. Cleopatriot

    I found out over the weekend I have someone running on the Republican side of my Congressional district's race as well. I found out when someone called to ask me who I was voting for, Mike Quigley or this other guy, whose name I've forgotten. That's the first time I'd heard of him.

    I mean I know this is Chicago and we don't really *have* Republicans, but still. Shouldn't I at least know this guy's name?

  23. T3rbo

    We live in a very whitebread conservative town in CO, where no democrats are running for city council or mayor. It makes me question why in the hell I live where I live, where none of my neighbors share my values. I wonder how many people that are in this schmuck's district have the same thoughts every time they hear the words "joe the plumber."
    I have a neighbor who has a bumper sticker that says "AID, EBOLA, and OBAMA: All born in africa, all bad for America." Get it? Africa?
    Can someone come up with a way for the left wing to trick hillbillies into voting for them so I can run for mayor of my town?

    1. Isyaignert

      First give 'em food and beer, then blather on and on about freedom and liberty, blah, blah, Founding Fathers, blah, blah. They eat that meaningless crap up. Good luck Mayor T3rbo!!

      1. T3rbo

        Yeah, but I want to make leftist policies into policies that hicks will like. Something like "We need to bolster food stamps because they help hard working white families get out of poverty!"
        The free food and beer part seems good, but I need to be able to make environmental protection (JERB KILLER!) into something that people with truck nutz are into. "You should not be able to dump motor oil into creeks, because Jesus Christ DIED to protect waterfowl!"

        1. HistoriCat

          Yer going about it all wrong – get elected and then change your tune. If the other guy wants to cut taxes by 10%, you scream "socialism!" and declare that anything less than a 50% tax cut is unacceptable. Once you're in office, blame the fact that you can't fulfill your campaign promises on the incompetence of your predecessor; drop hints about withheld information and bad assumptions.

          "The great majority of people are more likely to believe a big lie than a small one." – some dude in Europe.

  24. larrykat

    And such a moron as this will still garner 45% of the vote from the other morons and a few proto-morons.

  25. Mittaplasia

    Why the gratuitous butt cleavage? Lately the pictures on here are making me think I'm on the "People of Wal-Mart" site.

  26. T3rbo

    Oh man, I just checked out the "joe for congreesss" website, and it is HILARIOUS. He does not have any of your fancy liberal elite 'white papers,' that is something for gays who marry other gays. Joe has youtube videos, for freedom.
    Where, you might be wondering, does 'joe' stand on State's Rights? Oh, you didn't ask that question, because you are not from the 1860s or 1963? Hum. Well, either way, joe if FOR them.
    This fucking idiot, I wonder if he even gets that he is blowing a giant dog whistle on accident? Poor poor intellectual midget.
    Where does Joe stand on mixed race marriage? That's what I want to know.

Comments are closed.