steal this vote

Meet Your New Diebold!

I am committed to helping deliver Ohio's electoral votes to the presidentHey, remember when they stole Ohio? Hahaha, yeah, good times. (Here is a quick story explainering the bizarre discrepancies between exit polls, which showed John Kerry winning handily, and the tabulated results, which flipped that. It has the special bonus of world’s greatest pollster Dick Morris musing that since exit polls are like never wrong, and are used in Third World countries to determine if an election’s been thieved, Occam’s Razor insists that the easiest answer is not that the machines were hacked, but that the liberal media fixed … the exit polls. To dissuade Bush voters from coming out. A man of fierce intellect, most certainly.) Right, so! It is time to meet your new Diebold machines, from H.I.G., a company of fine fellows who to the man have donated to Mitt Romney, and a full third of whose board of directors come from Bain? Oh yeah, them.

From The Daily Dolt:

Hart InterCivic is a national provider of election voting systems that are used in swing-states Ohio and Colorado, as well as in states we don’t really care about so much because we already know how they’ll turn out (e.g., Texas, Oklahoma, and Hawaii). Private equity firm H.I.G. Capital, LLC bought out a “significant” portion of Hart in July of 2011, and now the majority of Hart’s board directors are employees of H.I.G. (It’s not entirely clear how much of the voting machine company H.I.G. owns, but the financial advisors responsible for the transaction state that “Hart Intercivic was acquired by HIG Capital.”)

The Daily Dolt goes on to provide helpful links to all H.I.G.’s board of directors, helpfully pointing out which are former Bain employees and which are current Romney bundlers. (All of them, Katie.) So we’re not saying H.I.G. is going to steal Colorado for good old Miffed Romney. We’re just saying what the fuck was wrong with paper ballots?

[DailyDolt]

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281 comments

    1. michaelzwilliamson

      We should totally use polls to decide elections, instead of that inconvenient voting crap.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      No, that is an Amga 999 which preceeded the Amiga 1000 and did not sell very well due to the huge electric bill it created.

    2. GemlikeFlame

      This one's pretty famous. It's a photoshopped (I can tell from some of the pixels and having seen a lot of shops in my time) submarine console from a museum somewhere. While I'm about as old as the console in the picture, no computer of that time or since has had the need of a steering wheel.
      http://tonova.typepad.com/thesuddencurve/2004/12/

      1. davidcmoisan

        The DECWriter in the center of the shot is a blatant giveaway–it only dates back to 1977 and would not be in a real submarine of the era that that console is from. Old IT people like me just laugh.

        1. GemlikeFlame

          Too bloody right. US-ASCII wasn't invented till early 60s and everything before that used a six bit code whose name escapes me at the moment… wait, it's bubbling up… Baudot code. I think that's where baud came from.

  1. noodlesalad

    Will they have to give the MittBot a system upgrade so he can directly interface, or are these things Windows 95 compliant?

    1. commiegirl99

      Yes, Barb, and he's registered! Getting his sample ballot in the mail made me so proud I even stopped hating him for like a full week.

      1. memzilla

        Yes, behind every successful man, there's a woman… nudging and kvetching. Otherwise nothing would get done!

      2. HistoriCat

        I'm envious – my oldest will be 18 just in time to vote … but he has a "why bother – our votes don't matter in Texas" attitude. And his idiot mother has a similar attitude, so I feel like I'm talking to the wall.

        1. DemmeFatale

          We had a campaign worker here in Northern CA who had recently moved from Texas.
          He was so happy to live somewhere with (what he called) "freedom of speech."
          Do you have any fun stuff down the ticket?
          We're buried in propositions here.

          1. HistoriCat

            Sadly no – no fun stuff at all. They save all of that for the otherelection cycles, when there's a lot smaller turnout and you canconcentrate on getting to olds to vote how you want them to.But there are the school board elections, damn it. Since there's noparty ID on those races, I'm going to have to research what thesedipshits stand for and see if any of them are worth voting for.

          2. DemmeFatale

            School boards are tough. So are judges.
            I worked long enough in NY politics to know the real stories on everyone, like who was a lazy jerk, or who really cared about the constituents. My husband called one of my candidates "an opportunistic prick," (turns out he was right), but his campaign taught me a lot about all the players, and I totally miss all that insider-y knowledge.

    2. vtxmcrider

      In the interest of sleaze, I am more interested in knowing from Rebecca whether her boyfriend is old enough to vote.

  2. no_gravity

    I guess since the whole voter suppression thing didn't work out as originally thought this is just plan B.

  3. BklynIlluminati

    <<BZZZT>> For voting booth press Republican, For suicide booth press Democrat, For inconsequential purgatory press Independent <<BZZZT>>

  4. realmurkin

    Well fuck. For a cyborg such as the Mittbot, hacking those machines will be the work of seconds.

    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      That recount (ha!) would take forever!

      "One! One vote for Obama! Ha ha ha! Two! Two votes! Ha ha ha!"

    1. OneDollarJuana

      All of the ballots will come pre-checked for the Repubes, and all of the pencils will be the Johnny Carson two-eraser, no-point style. So all you will be able to do is vote for the Rep, or erase your vote and invalidate the ballot.

  5. LibrarianX

    And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling,

  6. TavariousChinaSmith

    There is nothing "rigged" about these machines. They simply do not count 47% of the votes as is only fair because those people have nothing useful to contribute to society.

  7. CrunchyKnee

    Mormons, like republitards see no problem in lying to further their cause, so this is the logical extension of that mindset. Fuck all of them.

    Yes, I have a nasty hangover.

  8. HogeyeGrex

    Jeebus crikey. Not this shit again.

    Can we string these motherfuckers up as traitors yet? With votes, that is.

    Hmm. Probably not, since they control the votes, huh?

    Rope it is, I guess.

    1. CrunchyKnee

      I wish my computation device had a steering wheel. That would be pretty damn cool. And maybe some racing stripes.

    2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      The steering wheel is so you can whip shitties and make awesome noises while computating.

      Vrooooom! Screeeee! Vroooom!

    3. soeoho

      I'm pretty fixated on that machine. Working on a steering wheel for mine right now. Ya, the TV mount is messed up. I get better reception with my TV sitting on top of the roof. Inside is just showy-snobbery as far as I'm concerned.

    4. GemlikeFlame

      It's there to steer the sub it would have been attached to. The console is from a museum, everything else was photoshopped in. The TV is definitely gratuitous. The thing that really gives it away is the typewriter console. The only machines capable of being attached to a computer then was a Flexowriter or Teletype, and it's definitely not one of those.

  9. memzilla

    Thank heavens we have a fair and balanced Supreme Court which, should the need arise, will impartially rectify any voting irregularities with a reasoned, unbiased, and apolitical decision, free from the contamination of petty squabbling and the outsized influence of railroad boxcars full of anonymously donated munniez!

    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Yes! Thank heavens for the unbiased judicial branch! [mixes Bloody Mary, mutters] Fuck a duck.

      1. memzilla

        [sees your Bloody Mary, raises you a lowball glass of Maker's Mark, and doesn't give a s**t whether it's shaken or stirred]

        1. CrunchyKnee

          [sees your Bloody Mary and Maker's Mark and stirs 2 grams of MDMA and a jigger of MD 20/20 into his morning coffee] Sigh.

          1. mayor_quimby

            Is gonna be a wild afternoon at your place! Turn the video cam now, so you have a record of what happened, a la Paranormal Activity.

  10. poorgradstudent

    Oy, not this again. Can't they just rely on the stupidity of the American people like everybody else?

  11. weejee

    The Repugs learned ballot counting from Vlad Putin. Look at the cheesy crackers in the Courthouse from Waukesha County Wisconsin Putin on the Ritz.

          1. mille derps

            Sometimes she is. And when she spells it out in all caps, I can hear her shouting clear across the country…

  12. CivicHoliday

    If they really want to steal an election, they should hire the ST. LOUIS CARDINALS to run polling stations in swing states. They'll rip victory from the jaws of defeat just like they did last night to the Nationals! (Sorry, gratuitous fan posting can't be avoided after such an amazing win. Suck it DC – Birds on Bat never say die!)

  13. Beowoof

    Dick Morris, I think that guy caught a toe fungus on his tongue from a hooker and it spread to his brain.

  14. coolhandnuke

    To disable the vote manipulating spyware from these vote manipulating stealers, In the ballot booth enter the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42. press the button. Wait 108 minutes enter the numbers again press the button. Repeat repeat repeat….
    The Karma Initiative..

    1. vtxmcrider

      Boa tarde, compadre. Sou de descendentes portugueses que vieram dos Açores. Desejo-lhe as boas vindas conosco. Moro no nordeste dos EU.

    1. memzilla

      Boas-vindas. We welcome all nationalities here, whether they be bourbon, vodka, cachaça, samogon, or gin.

  15. OneDollarJuana

    You guys! I've been saying for months that the machines are going to be hacked and Romney will win!

    I not from Brasil.

  16. gullywompr

    I wonder how all the dead Republicans are voting this year….

    Andrew Breitbart – the Ghost in the Machine.

  17. snowpointsecret

    So basically my state has Republican machines now. Sort of like voting by using Mitt Romney, right?

  18. BornInATrailer

    I cannot quite fathom how, still, we have not mandated paper receipts for all federal elections so you can look up your vote.

  19. fuflans

    oh please. like this matters.

    barack obama had a sleepy debate and gaffey joe was rude with knowledge and we will now lose in a landslide.

    the media tells me so.

    1. snowpointsecret

      The media tells me national polls matter more than state polls!

      I think Fox News actually has a love-hate relationship with the Electoral College now that I think of it o_O

  20. Bezoar

    Did anybody already post "It doesn't matter who casts the votes, it matters who counts the votes.? Supposedly said by Stalin, but who knows? Probably thousands of years old. I like the way the Athenians did it; a bowl into which you dropped a pebble, either black or white, to signify your vote. Worked really well, everybody could tell by looking what the vote was, and that there was no cheating. A case of rock beating paper.

  21. Millennial Malaise

    Rmoney and Company are good at one thing: scheming, to make money. I hate feeling this dread that even tho voter ID laws are getting knocked out, but there are still the machines!! A bit tin foily, maybe, but I'm not freaking out yet. If enough people go out and vote, it will at least make these assholes break a sweat to steal the election!

  22. LibrarianX

    010000100110010100100000011100110111010101110010011001 010010000001110100011011110010000001100100011100100110 100101101110011010110010000001111001011011110111010101 110010001000000100111101110110011000010110110001110100 01101001011011100110010100101110

    1. proudgrampa

      "010000100110010100100000011100110111010101110010011001 010010000001110100011011110010000001100100011100100110 100101101110011010110010000001111001011011110111010101 110010001000000100111101110110011000010110110001110100 01101001011011100110010100101110"

      Garbage In, Garbage Out. Who can explain it?

      Oh, there was an error in your code. The last word should be:
      "01101001011011100110010101101110" Totally changes the meaning.

  23. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Paper ballots are harder to cheat with than electronic, duh. Do we have to spell it out?

  24. calliecallie

    I have to go back to 270towin and recalculate my strategy…if Obama loses Ohio AND Colorado…wait…who's running the machines in Florida?

  25. Jukesgrrl

    Your Jukesgrrl grew up right across the river from where that photo was taken (the Pennsylvania corner of the devil's triangle where PA, OH, and WV meet). I was but a tyke, but I remember the exciting day that Ike came to town to flip the switch on the "too cheap to meter" crown jewel of the power grid.

    The important fact is that, silly as it looks, Hyman Rickover's Shippingport Atomic Power Plant was built in 32 months at a cost of $72.5 million (1957 dollars, but still). That's when men brought home the bacon, women wore cone bras, and children didn't put on helmets before they got on a bike. You're lucky to get a bridge for that these days. Head injuries and artery blockages all around!

    It functioned safely for 25 years, producing 2.1 billion kilowatt hours of electricity; it was then decommissioned and the property has been returned to general use. I'm not saying we should still be building nuclear plants, but just like everything else the industry was ruined by general greed and a mentality of "I can top that." Everything would have been groovy if they had just left the steering wheel on.

    If the yahoos in Western-most Pennsyltucky could build that, there's no reason why the American Exceptionalists couldn't give us "too cheap to meter" solar and wind power if they really wanted to.

    And, just for the record, Jukesgrrl has a little brother born after that thing started splitting atoms and he's the healthiest, best looking member of the Jukes Clan. Nuclear waste had bad public relations … it's actually GOOD for you.

  26. LibertyLover

    OK, NOW I'm depressed. I come to wonkette to get a little perspective and delight in a little snark. And now, with Anti-Obama ads being rolled out and with Romney's and Ryan's capacity for lies and now this worry about the diebolding of the vote again.

    I've got a bad feeling about this.

    And it ain't gonna feel any better when All the things I have been telling people about Romney come to pass and they destroy Medicare and get rid of Social Security and Put 2 more conservative judges on the Supreme Court that will eliminate a woman's right to the Abortionplex. And It won't matter if I say, "I told you so." Because then it will be too damn late.

      1. LibertyLover

        Canada is too cold. I live closer to Mexico… Probably a beach house in Cabo will be in my future…I'll just rent out jet ski's to the tourists…

    1. fuflans

      i have had a bad feeling since bamz was way far up in the polls in september. and last week beyond sucked.

      i think i'll be heading to the phone banks next week in my unemployed state.

  27. Barrelhse

    They just need to flip the votes a little closer to the exit poll results and all should be cool.

    1. - A

      Eu não mas o Arthur escreve muito mal ultimamente e o Aloizio é analfabeto.. Mas o tv foco entra no nosso intense e vê kkkk

  28. Jaciara Macumbeira

    Será que pode postar Gifs pornograficos? vou postar pros donos do site ficarem loucos kkkkkk

  29. James Michael Curley

    OK Jukesgrrl starts saying she is OK even though she grew up next to Shipingsport and the all Brazilian hell breaks loose.

    I've been telling people for years that the Faulkens War was a decoy to smuggle high technology spherical fuel cells into Brazil (i.e., bomb components).

    1. HistoriCat

      Anybody here speak Portuguese? How do you say "it's Occupy Wall Street not Occupy Wonkette" in Brazilian Portuguese?

  30. ttommyunger

    I've already voted, absentee. I know there is a paper record, even if if winds up in the dumpster. 'Course, this being Dumfukistan, it won't matter….

  31. Negropolis

    Kind of off topic, but I keep hearing about poll monitors, and I'm not sure I've ever paid enough attention to recognize them any different than the poll workers, but I've decided that if I notice on in November, I'm going to call him or her out and ask why they are harrassing all of the oldz working at the pollz. Voting where I live (70% Dem base) is pretty boring, so adding a little drama could be entertaining. I mean, the most exciting thing that ever happened to me at my polling precinct is that one of the poll wokers gave me a left-over donut to my surprise, which I gladly took.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Where I used to vote in Pittsburgh, a couple of the poll workers were my neighbors. They would introduce me to all the other poll workers as, "This is the young woman I told you about who bought a house on my street." Meanwhile, I was 40.

      1. Negropolis

        lol

        Some of the poll workers at my precinct are also neighbors that have known me since I was young.

  32. Zango Crudmonger

    Perhaps one could contend the machines are corrupt. But, doesn't that bring great CONCERN to the system or Brazil, or Brasil, or Bras-of-ill? Our neighbors speak often of the days of no bras, and whereupon no bros benefit from bras, and we should spam the living fuck out of Wonkette kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk just FFS. Jeebus…. who broke the wonkettes for no reason?

  33. bloggingbalkanistan

    snark off >> Can I just say how much I dislike Mitt Romney's campaign? He has the ethics of Dick Chaney, the competency of John McCain and the sense of entitlement of George Bush. I would rather have W. But because he smirked and looked into the camera more than the Blah guy for a 90 minute debate, he is now better Commander in Chief material than the guy who took out Bin Laden & most of the senior Al Queda leadership.

    o

  34. Panty_Buns

    Rethuglicans rigging an election? I'm SHOCKED! (not). It's amazing how much the disenfranchisement and black box fraud gets ignored. Mailed in paper ballots work in Oregon. They could work everyplace else too. Oh, wait. We wouldn't want to put Turd Blossom out of a job. Carry on.

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