The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably.
1. Lindsay Lohan
The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important now,” Lohan said to noted news network E!. “So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.”
As of now, she says. When the DTs hit, she’ll gladly vote for whoever runs to the nearest liquor store, but that’s a separate issue.
It is not clear why a Republican would trumpet the endorsement of Lindsay Lohan, who was pretty much in Mean Girls, then Samantha Ronson’s pants, then a pile of cocaine so large Tony Montana simply Biden-grins at it. Anyway, congrats to Mitt Romney. For now.
2. Buzz Bissinger
Buzz Bissinger is the writer of Friday Night Lights (the book, not the movie or TV show that people actually saw), and also a fucking crazy man on Twitter. He endorsed Mittens because Obama had a bad debate, and thinks that Romney will basically do everything Buzz Bissinger ever dreamed of. He is the only actual even remotely famous person on this list.
3. Stacey Dash
We are going to do a Wonkette magic trick. Name the last Stacey Dash movie you saw.
…It was Clueless. It doesn’t matter if you named another movie, and if you did, you are either lying or paid to watch Cinemax.
Stacey is also black, which is shocking because the only black people who have endorsed Mitt Romney to this point are either elected Republicans, Republican party officials, paid staff members or…no, wait, those are quite literally the only black people who have endorsed him. Congrats on being a party of one, Stacey.
4. Jenna Jameson
The only reason JJ is surprising is because porn stars usually like to be deeply involved with third parties.
Shyne is a Belizean rapper who was involved in a 1999 club shooting with Puff Daddy, deported in 2009, and cannot return to the United States. As the Free Beacon states:
It is unclear if Shyne can legally vote in the United States.
Although if American rapping negroes without ID can, we see no reason why an upstanding noncitizen ex-felon cannot. Or let James O’Keefe do it for him.
In summary: Romney has been endorsed by an addict who can’t stay out of prison, an angry white guy, a pretty black lady who was famous twenty years ago, a porn star, and a noncitizen felon. Other than the angry white guy, this sounds like every Romney event we’ve ever been to.