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Rick Santorum Doesn’t Care If You Murder Your Tiny Little Unborn Baby

cummySmegma-lipped poutmonster Rick Santorum has declared what side he is on, and it is the side of murdering tiny little babies in their mommy’s stomachs. What? you are saying, because you have been paying some attention over the years as Rick Santorum has declared himself God’s handmaiden and apostle (both!) in the fight to make sure you sluts are punished blessed with your Rape Gifts. But no, it is true! According to Rick Santorum, stopping fag marriage is more important than stopping ‘bortions. Why does Rick Santorum want to murder your unborn child?

Rick Santorum, can you give us a ride to the Abortionplex? SFGate has some “hidden video” from a fundraiser last night, but it is 35 minutes long so we are not posting it here. You can see it there, if you would like!

“The movement you are fighting is the most important movement to win,” Santorum added. He said it is even more important that the movement to block abortion in America. He warned that marriage will “disintegrate” along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal.

Geighs, can you please stop disintegrating Rick Santorum’s marriage, so he can get back to the important work of personally strapping women into their stirrups for their purity exams, while tenderly explaining them to get back in the kitchen?

Thanks geighs. We knew you’d be reasonable.

[SFGate, via Salon]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • Barbara_

    Oh Rick, I will always love you no matter what you choose to put in your anus.

    • Nostrildamus

      I know it's hard to tell in that pic, but that's actually his mouth.

    • Boojum

      A new party game! Guess what's in Rick Santorum's anus!

  • hagajim

    Rick doesn't like the ghey marriage because no babies can be aborted from it.

    • Boojum

      Rick doesn't like gay marriage because he knows that the only thing stopping him from having some lusty anal with a strapping Midwestern farm boy is that he can't sanctify it in a ceremony. He knows that, if he could receive ritualistic approval of his carnal desires, he would be knees down, ass up, hollering for Jesus around the thick monster cone of his hard muscled Dairy Queen.

      • BadKitty904

        Poetry! Sheer poetry! *enthusiastic applause*

      • Nostrildamus

        Boojum, you're wasted here at Wonkette (just like the rest of us).

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I ever run for office I will never eat in public again.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, certainly nothing resembling a penis.

      At least publicly.

      • Nostrildamus

        That pic doesn't show the custom head Rick had the server put on it.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        I suppose you could only eat vagina-like food but that would severely limit your diet. Is this some part of the vast gay conspiracy?

    • PugglesRule

      Much too suggestive!

  • Gleem McShineys

    Come on Rick, show a little effort and at least cup the cone.

    • BadKitty904

      Damned amateurs…

      • Gleem McShineys

        In his defense, he seems to be doing the locked-on eye contact pretty well. Wonder who is on the receiving of his gaze?

        Lindsay Graham?

        • BadKitty904

          The obscure object of his desire…

        • Cicada

          Marcus Bachmann. I hear he has a "thing" for sweater vests and self hatred.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          The camera. He's obviously watched a few pornos.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if they make gay marriage legal and that destroys "regular" marriage, then all future pregnancies will be illegitimate, so we can just kill the parents and foster out (or is it kill?) the unwanted babies, including the gay ones and the ones that would be on welfare. So, all the problems will be solved. Do I have that right?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Except you were a little light on the stoning (my favorite!) part….

    • samedwards_net

      Then just cut taxes for the rich babies, and voila: utopia.

  • Hammiepants

    That picture is more revolting than the one of the massive porkbeast blowing chunks the other day. Yikes.

    • tessiee

      Although I suppose Rick could also be considered a porkbeast, just not the same kind.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Eh, at least this one has ice cream, unlike yesterday's eye scream.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Gingrich's marriages have disintegrated three times. Limbaugh's, four or five. It will be thousands more a piece if gays have their way.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Well to be fair, one of Newt's marriages collapsed because he loved America too much. The ghey's are definitely to blame for the other two though.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    The movement you are fighting is the most important movement to win

    Like a bowel's issue, trapped in time — Rick's message is trapped between object and objective.
    Try "fight for" the same movement you're trying to win, creamcup!

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Which explains his coprophageous grin.

    • samedwards_net

      This is why they don't let him write legislation anymore.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Had a movement this morning. Woe betide us if it had any effect on anyone's marriage.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Well, we have to blame SOMETHING for 50% of all marriages going kaput.

    Poor Ricky, it must be hell to be alive in the 21st century as opposed to when it was okay to club your woman over the head & drag her into the cave by her hair.

    • mavenmaven

      Its all the fault of antibiotics. Were the average lifespan of the population back down to 30, then there wouldn't be divorce, women would die in childbirth, husbands wouldn't survive them for too long, and society would be just as Santorum would like it.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Hang on….*calculating*….so I could be on my fourth wife by now?

        BAN CIPRO!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Good times, good times.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    he also now calls ice cream "Friess Cream."

    • Toomush_Infer

      Except chocolate ice cream, still called "Santorum" in deference….

  • http://www.cromiller.com cromiller

    It's Friday, I'm sick, it's been a long week and I have no power to snark… I can only offer up a hearty "fuck you, ricky" before diving back into my herbal tea.

    • BadKitty904

      Aw, poor puddin'. Hope you get to feeling better… :0)

  • Callyson

    In Santorum’s words, “a secular revolution, a Godless revolution” has swept across every Western European country, which he said “is why they are declining.”

    And meanwhile, China is on the rise because…um, er, well…

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      on the rise fiscally, just like we were back in the fifties and sixties. Meanwhile, our hearts became empty and our souls were hollowed out.

    • pdiddycornchips

      The Inquisition wasn't so bad was it? True patriot that Ricky is, he knows it's not enough to be just intolerant, you need to teach those non-believers what's what.
      Yes, teach them with whips and hot irons to their nether regions. The secularists are infringing on his freedom to torture people who disagree with him. That's just not right.

      • Swampgas_Man

        So having to listen to this putz ISN'T torture?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I always suspected Rick like to put thick, brown things in his mouth.

    • widestanceromance

      I assumed it was coming out of his mouth after entering who knows where.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Rick must be pretty damned sure his marriage would disintegrate if gay marriage were to become an option. Can we ask him why?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      because he loves that cone more than his wife?

    • BadKitty904

      *He* certainly seems to feel threatened by it…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      No, only PPP can ask him. But it will be in their next Minnesota poll.

  • BeefHardcake

    I hate him so, so much.

    So very much.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I'd say my marriage was flagging because I was a simpering crybaby that let my wife make our decisions for ten goddamn years without asking for my input at all, and denying any interest in my ideas or suggestions throughout the same time.

    And I realize correlation does not imply causation, but to be fair, during that same stretch of time, I never sucked another man off.

    • MosesInvests

      Waitaminnit-you were married to my ex?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, fuck Rick Santorum. And by that I mean not even if he was the last power bottom on earth and I had just ingested four year's worth of Viagra.

    • Biff

      Oooh, where's the no love?

    • BadKitty904

      HAWT!

    • Boojum

      I hate to be stupid, but what's a power bottom?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Ask, and you shall receive. (and fuck you too, Urban Dictionary)

        Wait, what?

      • SheriffRoscoe

        It's a person who likes to be the receptive partner with regards to doing it in the butt, has an insatiable sexual appetite and apparent lack of pain receptors. They can be quite intimidating.

        • glasspusher

          Talk to your doctor. Maybe he's into that kind of thing.

      • Nostrildamus

        Another meaning for power bottom. 5-to-1 Rick's got one.

  • BornInATrailer

    That pic is horrifying. Why does his expression say "I just got caught doing something naughty?"

    • BadKitty904

      Because he doesn't generally boast in public about his lack of a gag reflex?

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Question: After Rick's marriage disintegrates from gay freedom, how should he remake himself to find the man of his dreams?

    • tessiee

      Step 1 should be a personality transplant.

    • Gleem McShineys

      More food-based "performances" I would guess.

    • bobbert

      Fewer sweater vests.

  • gullywompr

    Enjoy that wafflecone, Creamcup.

  • Crank_Tango

    I didn't know that stuff could freeze.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It took three reads to get this.

      Well done….well done.

  • Biff

    Damn it, just as soon as my spellchecker remembered "ghey", they go and change the spelling again…

  • Gleem McShineys

    Huh. This guy.

    So what are the chances that anyone is actually going to listen to Rick Santorum, this time?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Her?

  • BadKitty904

    Considering they've managed to muddle along for at least the 5,000 or so years of recorded human history, I'm surprised to hear that marriage and the family are so very fragile.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Is that chocolate cream, Creamcup?

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Is that "Sanrorum" emblem on his shirt really necessary? I mean LOOK AT HIM and what does he ooze? That's right: sperm-feces.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oh come on, give the guy a break! Think of how many of those shits he had left over when he folded like a bad card table. He's being environmentally conscious and not adding polyester to a landfill!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Why can't Santorum obsess about something more important like his lack of armpit hair or what kind of saddle Jesus used to ride a Brontosaurus?

    • Boojum

      Oh, he does…he does….

      He thinks about the saddle he'd like strapped to his ass while he is ridden like a Brahma bull. I'm serious, this one is suppressing his desire to "come to Jesus" more than Ted Haggard times Marcus Bachman.

    • tessiee

      Oh, I think we all know why Ricky obsesses about the geigh guys.

  • kyeshinka

    That's the way He likes 'em. Long, black, thick and frosty.

    • Boojum

      He's an Obama supporter, then?

      • kyeshinka

        We all have to root for someone.

        • Boojum

          ISWYDT

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I had an important movement right after my coffee.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Rick, don't try to fool me into thinking you've clued in as to why retro-reversing an unwanted marriage is as much if not more complicated than proto-aborting an unwanted pregnancy.
    When you figure out that each is a right, not a 'privilege'; for many, not the few — i.e. the chance to start over** — let Newt Gingrich know, please before he aborts another of his divinely conceived trophy marriages.

    ** ETA: "Starting Over" is a hallmark theme of your religious ilk. Yet no one makes doing this more complicated than those in that very same, Christ-pimping camp.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …and the opinions of the faithful within that camp are all over the goddamn place as to whether they should remarry, remain a spinster, or find a different camp to congregate in.

  • el_donaldo

    The nice thing about having the conservatards go all in on the gay marriage issue is that this one is the one they are clearly losing.

    Lemmings.

  • mavenmaven

    These repubs are obviously very repressed homosexuals. Only someone who is deeply repressed would think that legitimating homosexual relationships would make everyone run and become gay. Me, I'd be happy to live around gay couples and would not feel any less attracted to women.

    • BadKitty904

      What's always struck me as peculiar is I don't think I've ever met a homo who feels threatened by heterosexual marriage. Most of us are delighted when y'all get married to someone you love and want to spend your life with.
      We just expect the right to do the same thing ourselves, is all.

      • mavenmaven

        I bet Marcus feels plenty threatened :)

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hey Rick — married gay couples almost never have abortions — just sayin'.

  • Biff

    Needz moar sweater-vest.

    • Gleem McShineys

      It's at the cleaners, seems he dribbled some other brown frothy substance on it.
      Must have been ice cream, also.

  • BornInATrailer

    I understand he's speaking to a friendly crowd… but how did no one else in the audience that believes, as does he, abortion is equivalent to murdering a baby stand up and say "No, murdering a baby is worse than 2 dudes getting hitched."

    There is no way you could fill a room with pro-life folk that would also agree with Ricky's little morality apples and oranges comparison.

  • GregComlish

    Everybody loves chocolate

  • YouBetcha

    I enjoy watching this miserable fuck lose the culture war. It kind of turns me on. In a gay way.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yes. In fact, I'd turn gay if I could just so I could enjoy it even more.

      • YouBetcha

        I've gone lesbian for far less worthy causes.

        • mrpuma2u

          That has increase the fap factor of this thread exponentially. Thank you.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Pics or GTFO

  • tessiee

    OT, but that Onion article that used to contribute to my insomnia? Has a whole 'nother feel this morning:

    "And if we’re having trouble getting Pennsylvania on board, just wait until I absolutely wipe the floor with Joe Biden in the vice presidential debates. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know you’re terrified of us facing off, because in the back of your mind you know it could be a bloodbath up there."

    It was, Paulie. It was. Bet you're not smirking now.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I heard recently that scientists in Kyoto made mouse eggs from stem cells. It's a very big "maybe" at this point, but they're saying this could possibly revolutionize fertility medicine, especially for gay and lesbian couples.

    So don't tell me the gays will ruin marriage and humanity. Because SCIENCE, you shit-sucker.

    • mavenmaven

      Why would gay couples want to have baby mice?

      • CommieLibunatic

        Because they're depraved lunatics who hate America and want it destroyed because they're secretly all Muslims also too? Jesus, are you taking notes? Get a fucking pen!

      • bobbert

        Cheaper than baby humans?

    • schvitzatura

      Commander Cody is one of many clone sons of gheys Palpatine (size queen) and Jango Fett (armor fetishist).

      This is canon, right?

      Santorum, defending the galaxy against Order 66 (or was it 69) execution!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Obscure, but funny.

      • bobbert

        This is so obscure, my obscurometer has broken, but anyhow

        Commander Cody LIBEL!!!

  • tessiee

    This is wrong, but the fact that he's eating *chocolate* ice cream makes it even funnier.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    When will these politicians learn NEVER TO PUT PHALIC SHAPED THINGS IN THEIR MOUTHS IN PUBLIC?!

    • Whollyholeyholy

      He's not just eating it, either. He is deep-throating it.

    • Boojum

      Are you kidding? This will be Rick's masturbatory fantasy for the next month, at least until the new issue of "Young Bottoms" comes out (so to speak).

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Oh, please, don't tell them that.

  • owhatever

    However, he favors abortions for gay men who get preggers because of legitimate forcible rape.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I don't consider my day done until I have personally exploded and then had sex with the corpse of at least one straight marriage.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey straights! BOO!

    • Boojum

      EEeeek! Oh! A ghey! Oh! Save me!

    • bobbert

      HOO?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Ricky uses the old politician reasoning. Fetuses don't vote.

  • magic_titty

    That picture would make Sasha Grey blush.

  • pinkocommi

    ". . . marriage will 'disintegrate' along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal."

    Yes because it is MUCH better for everyone when gay people are closeted and married to their unsuspecting beards and sneak out on random Tuesday nights for anonymous, Craigs-list arranged buttsecks. That is MUCH better for the American family and the institution of marriage than gay people being out and proud and in commited, gay relationships.

  • pinkocommi

    Santorum is anti-santorum.

    • Boojum

      While eating … no, I can't finish it.

      • Gleem McShineys

        I can't finish it.

        "Don't worry, honey. I'll take care of it. MMMM"

        –Rick Santorum

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Who is this guy again? Didn't he lose a bunch of elections, waste some fat rich fuck's money, and name himself after bunghole juice? Who thinks this anachronistic fuckhole is relevant anymore?

    • Crank_Tango

      Bunghole juice is quite popular on the twitters.

  • PsycWench

    I wonder if anyone has asked Santorum what he would recommend if prenatal testing showed that your baby will grow up to be gay.

    • Boojum

      Wait until it is born and then kill it, for Jesus.

    • glasspusher

      Good one! I'd like to see his head explode from contemplating that. PsycWench, indeed.

    • schvitzatura

      How much of the male ghey is genetic (nature) and how much of it is those that just dig prostate stimulation (nurture)?

  • PsycWench

    I'm around gay colleagues and students all week long and yet I have remained straight-married for almost 19 years. I must be doing something wrong.

    • BadKitty904

      We can sense when str8s are afraid, ya know. As long as you're cool and calm, you're safe.

      • HuddledMass

        Oh, like bees and dogs – I did not know this. Wonkette: it's an educational experience.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Where do you live? I will contact the gay mafia and have them ramp up recruitment in your area immediately.

      • glasspusher

        Her marriage is under attack by the gheys and she doesn't even know it! They're so tricky. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

      • PsycWench

        Not too far from Crumb and Get It, so ask them to stop by and order some gay cookies.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Have you tried being an intolerant dick? No? Well, you're just not applying yourself.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      If you've been married 19 years you must be doing *something* right.

    • docterry6973

      Jeez, get with the program. We have an entire civilization to destroy and you aren't helping by holding out this way.

  • Troubledog

    If they want to protect marriage, why aren't they fighting to make divorce illegal?

  • IncenseDebate

    What about the unborn gay babies?

  • OneYieldRegular

    I've said it before, and will undoubtedly say it again, but if I had children I wouldn't let them anywhere near Rick Santorum.

    • Boojum

      I would, after I had had trained them in ninjutsu assassination techniques, using votes.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    When "Catholic" Rick Santorum adopts the church's policies on the death penalty, war, and giving to the poor, maybe then he will be a more effective theocrat.

    That soft-serve foam in the picture is "Santorum-dipt".

  • Gleem McShineys

    Anyone here wants some delicious beans?

    • Boojum

      Yum. Fetus bean soup.

  • kittensdontlie

    You folks are in the front line. You folks are in the foxhole.—Santorum from linked video.

    Foxhole has many definitons in urban slang, and none are Santorum-friendly.

  • widestanceromance

    He knows the right is running out of scary monsters under the bed, so must now ration them more slowly. Take away fear and what have they got?

  • LibrarianX

    He got a real pretty mouth ain't he?

  • DahBoner

    Marriage + Ghey! = Compost. MATH.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Somebody needs to break it to Ricky that the kind of straight marriage he and Mrs. Gingham Dress have was rejected by 99% of Americans about three decades ago.

  • docterry6973

    Why, Oh Lord, why do gays want to destroy marriage?

    Does Sen. FrothyMix not understand that teh geys have maintained loving relationships since forever, because they are people? Gays being legally married will not make one iota of difference in my own marriage or personal morality.

    Though we might not want to use my personal morality as evidence for anything.

    • Boojum

      All I have to say is that gay marriage can do no harm to my marriage.

  • poorgradstudent

    Pope Palpatine is going to zap him with lightning!

  • chascates

    We know what happens when you extend marriage rights to gays and lesbians from what happened in other countries. You probably will also get single-payer healthcare, lower gun violence due to strict gun control, cheap higher education, and an unwillingness to engage in imperialist adventures.

    Bring it.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Ricky knows he's holding the short end of the stick. The recent Pew study of religious values in the US revealed that the percentage of the population who are unaffiliated–including atheists, agnostics, "free thinkers," etc. is slightly higher than those who identify themselves as "white, Evangelical" or "Born Again" Christians (19.9% to 19%).

    Hang on to that stick, Rick. Some day you'll be riding the pointy end.

  • jamsie25

    Once again Little Ricky is protesting too much. Unlike others who say things like 'come out of the closet Ricky', I say stay put you putrid turd.

  • LibrarianX

    Rick Santorum: adult diaper spokesman

  • vtxmcrider

    While he's ramming that thing into his mouth, he's thinking, "Ah, big, black dick!"

  • ttommyunger

    Shit, it took nearly fifteen years for my first marriage to disintegrate, life's been pretty good since then. Bring on the 'Bortions.