there will be blood

Vice-Presidential Debate Live-Bloog: Paul ‘The Kid’ Ryan Takes On Old Handsome Joe

ScreechWhat’s this, Sara Benincasa is joining us tonight, in our domicile? Does she have hair to braid? We will soon find out!

In the meantime, here is the first and last nice thing we will most likely say about Paul Ryan tonight: Paul Ryan sends copies of NOBUMMER’s birth certificate to any constituent who writes him all “WHAR KENYA WHAR,” and even before Obummer released his long-form certificate, Ryan’s office sent to those same “folks” a copy of the Hawaiian registrar’s statement about the Communist usurper’s live birth. And we think that is terrific, for reals! (GENTLEMANLY.) (We mean us.) (We’re done now though.) (Don’t worry.) (WARBLOG!!!!!)

Also too, before we start, here’s your damn drinking game:

If you are in California, Washington, DC, New York, or any of the other civilized states, smoke some legal marijuana before the debate commences.

As to the rest of you, we will occasionally yell at you DRINK for any or no reason at all. (But seriously, if Joey calls “Mr.” Ryan “junior” or “sonny” or “kiddo” or “boy,” you may do the Hokey Pokey and finish the bottle in feral joy.) And that’s it! We can’t say to drink if OHJB says “God love ya” or talks about Scranton or the Violence Against Women Act, or cries when telling the story of his family, or says “literally” about something figurative, or is magnificently romantic to Dr. Jill, because we will not be liable for your alcohol poisoning. So, you know, just use your worst judgment, and we’ll see you at nine.

5:59 PM 8:59 PM stupid Eastern Standard Time — Benincasa is in the house! And also she is out of the house! We have sent her to Fresh & Easy for liquor, because we have drunk this house dry. Maybe she will come back again? Who can ever tell???

9:01 PM — Was Libya an intelligence failure? Old Handsome Joe does not care to answer that question, but promises not to lie and pivots to Bamz ending Iraq and Afghanistan and Miffed Romney being a fussbudgety asshole about both. Has he mentioned Barry killed Bin Laden? Still, not answering the question though he is(n’t), he sounds sober and Joe-like and great.

Paul Ryan’s all nah mang they already lied about the Youtube and is mad that we didn’t have enough security. Didn’t he watch Jason Chaffetz’s interview? Uh oh, Joe is gonna bite someone’s head off, fangs bared.

9:09 PM — Oooh, looks like Joe watched Jason Chaffetz’s interview! Also? Romney’s a pud. Let him give you a list. (Joe is pissed, y’all. Said every single thing that came out of the kid’s mouth was “untrue.” He is smiling, he’s showing his choppers, but he does not mean it.) Joe’s assertion that they didn’t “know” that the embassy wanted more security does not seem … likely.

9:11 PM — Of course Paul Ryan thinks we shouldn’t pee on Taliban corpses, oh gosh yes. What is he, a lunatic? No, he is a libertarian. There is some shade of difference. (Sometimes.)

9:16 PM — Biden: “You wanna go to war? That what you want?” He is pure contempt for this whippersnapper daring to lecture him on being a joke when it comes to Iran. We are afeared of what might burst forth from his grinning skull!

9:19 PM — Biden is schooling the kid on how nukes work. It might be a while. Blah blah blah Netanyahu. Would you like to see the rainbow outside our window right now?

9:22 PM — Joe with the words of wisdom on Iran: LET’S ALL CALM DOWN HERE! Yes, let’s!

9:24 PM — Joe is now literally kissing his knuckles as Paul Ryan talks. OH KNUCKLES, he is saying, to his knuckles, SOMEDAY, KNUCKLES. SOME DAY.

9:28 PM — OK now we are on the economy we are sure Paul Ryan will not say anything that will make Joe Biden ache to punch him in his earnest puppy face?

9:32 PM — HAHAHA, why are we always SO WRONG?

9:41 PM — We are behind again, because we had to let in Sara with the wine, and then we had to go to the neighbors’ for a corkscrew. And then chicken. But SARA IS BACK, and she points out the audience is bizarrely, tensely quiet. They are probably as scared as we are. We do not like seeing Joe Biden want to murder people.

9:43 PM — Fuck it, we know we told you we wouldn’t make you drink when Joe Biden weeps for his family. But drink. (We all could use one, right?)

9:44 PM — Old Handsome Joe Biden tells Paul Ryan if he wants jobs, to get out of his and Bamz’s way. Paul Ryan responds with blah blah blah One Party Control, like Ben Nelson and Mary Landrieu were Democrats.

9:46 PM — Joe Biden can’t show you Paul Ryan’s letters begging for nasty old stimulus funds, but we can!

9:50 PM — Joe compares Paul Ryan to Sarah Palin. You betcha! (Also, drink, too.)

9:51 PM — Joe: Who do you believe, me or this snotnosed punk?

9:54 PM — Paul Ryan bullshitting about Medicare has LIT’RALLY given Joe Biden a stroke. He is gazing at the ceiling, his eyes rolling back in his head. He may start foaming. He’s furious.

9:58 PM — Have we ever told you that our son, who is now an 18-year-old dickhead, originally came to us when he was a year old, and his first mama had died? We were 22, and making $22,000 per year. The only thing that made it possible was Social Security. Listening to Paul Ryan piously spout off about how he loves Social Security Survivors Benefits while trying to dismantle the system, is making us kiss our own knuckles. Oooh, that puss. Ooh, that earnest, lying puss. Some day, knuckles. Some day.

10:01 PM — So far Joe Biden wins, for not decking that little creep in the mouth with Joe Jameson and Pops McGee.

10:06 PM — OH NOW YOU’RE JACK KENNEDY. OH SHIT OH SHIT. There is much yelling in our loft right now, like so: OH SHIT! DAAAAMN Joe Biden!! FUCK YEH.

10:08 PM — Joe Biden makes a DRAMATIC face of ORLY? like a combination of Auntie Mame and a young black woman giving you side eye. It is fairly (by which we mean completely) awesome and hilarious.

10:15 PM — Sara Benincasa is taking the reins for a while while we relax and chill the fuck out. Enjoy her!

10:17 PM — It is I, your Sara Benincasa, you fucking fucks. You stupid libruls probably think Joey Biden is wiping the floor with the handsome young man from Handsometown. Hahah, I am here to prove you wrong! (J/K, Biden is killing it.)

10:18 PM — What is all this argument about “the serge”? It is merely a fine fabric with diagonal thingies on both sides! HA! PUNZ!11!!

10:20 PM — Biden got mad at Mary Martha Maylene Magoo again!

10:20 PM — Biden just made a classic “AROO?! WHAAAAAH?!” face worthy of a Scooby Doo episode.

10:21 PM — Everybody throw your hands in the air and yell, “AFGHANS DO THE JAAAAHB! AFGHANS DO THE JAAAAHB!”

10:23 PM — Ryan majored in Smug Smirk at Face University.

10:24 PM — Your Wonkette, Rebecca, says Joe Biden is trying really hard not to reveal classified info right now, which is why he is stuttering. Probably completely accurate!

10:25 PM — Myself (the Benincasa) and your Wonkette (the Rebecca) would like to note that our vaginas feel alone and untended by these gentlemen. GIVE US OUR PRECIOUS SOCIAL ISSUES!!!111!

10:26 PM — Assad is watching at home, going, “Oh, that is so not what I would do. I would give out hugs! I just wants to give the hugs!”

10:27 PM — Someone in the audience just audibly went, “Ooh!” Or maybe it was “Whoo!” like some sort of owlish impression.

10:28 PM — Rebecca just pointed out Ryan’s Sincerity Forehead. She also points out how hard the nuns all hate Paul Ryan. “They hate him as hard as Joe Biden hates him,” she sez. HAHAHAH I AM LOL!!!111!!


10:31 PM — BTW Rebecca’s ex-boyfriend calls Ryan “creepy human frog.” This is a very accurate assessment of his fucking face.

10:32 PM — Joey BiBi needs to chill with the “my friend” thing. None of us are buying it.

10:33 PM — Martha can’t stop talking about abortions. She’s been saving up for this all night long (all night! all night! all night long! all night!)


10:36 PM — Oh yeah, sure, Ryan’s kids are gonna serve one day. Totally.

10:40 PM — Moar beans pleez.

10:41 PM — I, Benincasa, want to put Paul Ryan inside the vagina he so hates. This is a winedrunk way to say I would let him put it on me. Plus it would be extra fun to ‘bort his baby.

10:42 PM — Blah blah blah. “What could you bring as a man?” MY FAT IRISH DICK, sez the Joe Biden in my head.

10:43 PM — Joe Biden is so chill now. Did somebody slip him a sweet sweet doob that he puffed through some hidden orifice?!

10:45 PM — I want to put Joe Biden saying “Honey, it’s gonna be okay” over and over again on loop in my head during secks of all kind.

10:47 PM — The next debate is Tuesday? I need a longer refractory period to cool down from this hot hot rumblin’. YEAAAAAAAH.

In summation, everyone is a homosexual, except for Martha, everyone wins and no one loses, Jesus is the reason for the season, the end! Thanks for hanging out, you unwashed beasts! Haha, haha, also, FYI, you can hang out with Rebecca and I, Benincasa, on the Twitterz.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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        1. bibliotequetress

          If a space alien with no prior knowledge of Earth, of the United States, of the state of New York, crashed in a parking lot in Massapequa, it would step from it's mangled saucer, look around, and think, "Shit! I'm on Long Island."

          1. bibliotequetress

            Saw it once, on intoxicants, when I was about 17, so in approximately 1984. Have pretty much no recollection. Should I see it again? Please tell!

   So, Candy Darling– Warhol Superstar, early early hot out of closet trannie, and buddy of/namedropped by Lou Reed, and her most mainstream movie was Silent Night, Bloody Night. Julie Newmar loved her and she would have made a kickass Catwoman. Definitely aimed for brighter lights than Massapequa.

          2. MittBorg

            Oh, it's definitely worth seeing again. Full of sly, bitter, sidewise looks at modern civilization, such as it may be.

            Thanks for the linky, sweetie.

          3. sullivanst

            crashed in a parking lot in Massapequa

            Funny thing is, between Sunrise Mall and the train station, it's very likely that an alien crashing in Massapequa would do so in a parking lot.

            The name still never fails to make me think of the Optimum commercial with Barry Bostwick, though.

        2. bibliotequetress

          Perhaps it may also help to point out that notable Massapequans include the Baldwin brothers, Candy Darling, Brian Kilmeade, and Joey Buttafuoco.

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Is that a real picture?

    For some reason the pic of Paulie wearing the cap backwards, ear buds and doing some curls tends to make me feel like he might be auditioning for the wrong gig.

    1. Beowoof

      A gay friend mine has always told me that the only reason men wear a baseball cap backwards is because they are giving blowjobs. Somehow I can see him being popular in the gym shower.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Well, I was actually thinking of one of those Jersey Shore guys or whatever, but I'll take gay porn star. I just don't think that pic screams "qualified to be Vice President."

    2. Callyson

      Oh, *that's* the reason? FFS, I've been wondering about that for years now, but suddenly it all makes sense to me…

      1. sullivanst

        It's almost as if the dumbell is a metaphor for something else he might be grasping in his hand and pulling towards his mouth. If only I could work out what…

    3. VeraSevera

      If he had a ball gag in his mouth with that little boy earnest expression it could be the makings of a HOT spanking scene…

    1. Beowoof

      We saw him do his show live, and I thought the wife was going to dump me on the spot for Fugelsang.

  2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Lemme see here… vodka? Check. Cigarettes? Check. Righteous indignation? Check. Editrix + Special surprise guest? Check. Wonketteers? Check.

    All right. Let's see if Paul Ryan actually shows up for this shit.

  3. finallyhappy

    On Aljazeera – there is a commentator from Northern Ireland who pronounces Barack as Bark – I do not plan to watch on Al Jazeera

  4. Mittens Howell, III

    Kudos for the birth certificate thing Ryan, you sure you're a Republican?

    Oh, yeah: forcible rape/ death of medicare / compulsive lying – check, check, and check!

    Sic 'em Joe.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Vanilla Ice Ice, Baby…who was also a fraud (Google him if you don't know what I'm talking about).

  5. JackObin

    This race is all but over, leaving this "debate" a showpiece for two serious lightweights. Warm up the mormon cider kids. Oh and by the way, only a very small part of New York is civilized. North of Manhattan is Alabama with snow and no jobs.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      All but over, really? You really should take a prozac or something…just because Faux Nuuz is all butt rammey does not mean anything.

  6. Barbara_

    Question for Sara Benincasa.
    Would you do Steve Schmidt? I am sober, but he's looking kinda good to me right now.

    If not, would you do my husband? He just gave me a dirty look.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I would totally do Steve Schmidt preferably in a three-way with Mudcat Saunders, the accents would make me crazy hot.

          1. commiegirl99

            Seriously, Lizzie dear one, what the fuck? I enjoy Steve Schmidt's brand of biting the hand that feeds him as much as the next girl, but that's NOT a man I'd give my royal treasure to.

    2. SaraJBenincasa

      I would not do Steve Schmidt, nor would I do your husband, because it is mean that he gave you a dirty look!!!

    1. bobbert

      Do you mean you put the wine in the risotto, or you put the wine in fulflans and it makes the risotto fabulous?

  7. Callyson

    Crap, I tried to shoo my dogs into the other room so they would not have to listen to my copious cursing, but they are too loyal and are still sitting by my feet.

    Better get them a treat or ten, to go with my beer or ten…

  8. freakishlywrong

    I'm sure that the minute Handsome Joe suggests that your Ryan is lyin' the media will start tsktskisng and tut tuting about "tone". For fucks sake.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Last time the media was concerned he would be too hard on Snowbilly, seeing that she's a little lady. Hope Joe smashes him in the mouth … with truthisms!

  9. Callyson

    The moderator can't use the term "Congressman Ryan"?

    Saving Mister Ryan…from having to admit what he does for a living…

  10. imalittleteap0t

    Craigslist missed connection: To smarmy asshole in red hat- you're obviously new to this. If you want to deepthroat me, don't stare bitch. You're trying too hard.

  11. Callyson

    Hey, MSNBC finally got smart–

    AW FUCK, I was just going to say that MSNBC got smart and kept Tweety away, but Chris Matthews is going on as I type this. Let's see if C-Span has this on…

    ETA: they do and I'm off…

      1. Callyson

        I've got the TV on instead of livestreaming. Just got a big screen TV a while ago and I want to see the duel in high definition…

  12. vodkamuppet

    So, should I hate watch this thing on FOX or watch on PBS and smash my head on a table everytime David Brooks speaks?

  13. Francis Urquhart

    A certain act requires him to wear the hat backwards, otherwise the visor gets in the way.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Ole Newt has a Trophy Wife – too bad she's a Participant.

      [Yes, I do think I've used that joke here before. I still think it's funny.]

  14. cheetojeebus

    Is this that kid who they make those yard decorations of? You know, the little kid playing hide and seek? Creeepy

  15. OurHoboSenator

    I bet Paul Ryan insists on still calling his alma mater's mascots Redskins instead of Redhawks. He seems like the type.

  16. chascates

    Sounds like the 'Algonquin roundtable' of the west coast is meeting tonight. You California girls!

  17. Jukesgrrl

    OT before we get started. I get mail all the time from the United Steelworkers. I've never been a member but my late father was. Apparently they know intuitively that I am his most radical child. Anyway … I got a lovely letter from the USW prez yesterday slamming Romney. Paragraph after paragraph, taking his and Bain's inventory.

    Groovy. But NOT ONCE did it ever suggest the person I should be voting for. Obama and Biden's name never appeared in the letter at all. Are they really so down on him that they don't care if I don't vote for him, so long as you don't vote for the evil Rmoney?

    1. cbbruuno

      May be from a PAC that goes under the law that they can not directly endorse a candidate but can attack a candidate.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      Someone explained it as a "butterface" thing, but that only counts if Ryan lets you call him "her".

        1. tessiee

          I'm thinking Sting or Malcolm McDowell in those black Hugo Boss Nazi uniforms, but then I'm partial to the blondies.

    2. Callyson

      My experience is that it's the so-so looking guys who know how to turn it on in the bedroom, whereas the hot looking guys tend to be disappointing…

  18. Pat_Pending

    Who are the women (or men) who want to get lost in those blue eyes??? Dude looks like a lipless Kathy Griffin.

    Watching on CSPAN, cuz I'm a purist.

  19. Callyson

    OH YEAH she said "Congressman Paul Ryan." You can run but you can't hide from your title, fucker!

  20. Callyson

    Oh God, Libya. I don't think I can handle the politicization of that from an asshole whose party voted to cut embassy security.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      His hairline looks more filled in than it did last time when you could see each transplant scar.

  21. chascates

    SHIT! Ryan is wearing a bigger flag pin than Joe, just like Egghead wore a bigger pin then the President.

    I call total Flag Bullshit.

    1. Anne_Athema

      This pin shit is for pussies. I wish some poiticians would nut up and say, "We don't need no stinkin' flag pins."

      1. C_R_Eature

        Thanks! It was Fun and I did my part: Way over at Wonkville the first 6 "Hot" stories and all about Cephalopods!

  22. Barbara_

    Best Tweet of the day:
    Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt
    Somewhere in America, Joe Biden is doing CAPE FEAR-style bar dips while Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog" blasts from the stereo.

  23. Callyson

    God, Ryan's smile is even smarmier than usual. I am already sick of this asshole and he hasn't even spoken yet…

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Ryan's spouting this shit that Assity and the rest of the right has been going on about — not that they minded when the Dubya minions lied to them and later claimed it was in the interest of national security. This assholism is just ridiculous.

  25. Callyson

    "Shouldn't we have a marine attachment guarding our ambassador in Libya?"

    Yes–how about we get on that, and your fucking party reverses its vote to cut security funding for embassies?


  26. Anne_Athema

    Oh, Joe, I love you.
    Ryan must have been shitting his pants before the debate. Does anyone else think his testes sound like they are about the size of a picholine olive? Oh, god, I don't think I can ever enjoy those again.

  27. JustPixelz

    Ryan: "We will call terrorist attack for what it is." That's a new lesson since Dubya who called a terrorist attack an Iraq attack.

  28. FakaktaSouth

    We owe the troops a great deal of gratitude. Not at the RNC or anything, but you know, thanks or whatever.

  29. Callyson

    Oh, you want to talk about projecting weakness abroad, Lyin' Ryan? Where were you when we needlessly invaded Iraq and lost sight of bin Laden?

  30. DemonicRage

    "On that same day, the Obama Administration had the same position." Total lie. As if Obama accused himself of sympathizing with those who burn Embassies.

  31. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I want to get a pack of hippies to tackle and hold down Ryan so I can shave off his little pointed hair thing… you know, a Romney style hair cut.

    1. Callyson

      Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?

      Joey did, muthafuckas!

      Seriously, tonight was a beautiful sight…

  32. SayItWithWookies

    "We should not go imposing these devastating defense cuts" — Ryan

    Right — the terrorists are all over our not having 256 air tankers in ten years — it's basically waving the white flag in front of them.

  33. FakaktaSouth

    OOOOOH Yes. that is what I want. Malarkey! NOTHING he has said has been true and Joe's gonna say so TO HIS FACE! His wrinkledy weird little face. God I love OHJoe!

          1. MittBorg

            The fine teacher who taught our boys in high school assured us that there was a big one and a little one, and that most boys thought with the little one.

          2. redarmyzombie

            Well, that'd certainly explain his uterus obsession, though I still find it hard to believe the man's ever gotten any tail to begin with….

  34. Callyson

    As they learned more facts they changed their assessment

    Oh, well, no wonder Ryan is confused by how the Obama administration handled Libya…

  35. vodkamuppet

    Fuck. I'm going to end up smoking 19 packs of cigarettes before this thing is over. This smarmy little fucker is already pissing me off.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    "Al Qaeda is on the rise in Libya and we didn't give our ambassador a Marine detachment?"

    Gee Paul — maybe there are more facts that would just make your statement look stupid — not that you would notice.

  37. Callyson

    FFS, exactly when has Obama apologized for standing up for American values?

    Thank God the moderator is changing the topic…

  38. FeloniousMonk

    OK — second time at the mike for old Joe, and first blood. "A load of malarkey". If I weren't sitting in a bar, I'd be dancing around the room. Looking good, I think.

  39. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    The biggest national security this country faces isn't Iran, it's the Republican party.

  40. lulzmonger

    Political ping-pong over Benghazi = nobody wins.

    Apologizing? Yeah, that's in Das Kapital alrighty.

  41. ibwilliamsi

    Pssst – Joe! Don't admit that we had bad intelligence!

    Pssst – Fuckwad! You don't get to blame the POTUS for ignoring pleas for higher security at the Embassies when YOU voted down funds for higher security at the Embassies.

  42. Callyson

    Ryan is not about to answer the question about the (in)effectiveness of a military strike on Iran…


  43. Bramlet Abercrombie

    Ryan's done. Clear and specific? He didn't know that was going to be required! Unfair!

  44. Callyson

    Joey, I know it's tempting, but don't sigh openly–remember Al Gore. Rise above it and kill Lyin' Ryan with facts and you'll be fine…

  45. Barbara_

    Awesome Tweet:
    REMINDER: Joe Biden is the first American vice-president in over a decade who hasn't shot another human being in the face.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That you know of

      (Hey, I know some of you gals and maybe some of you guys have your Handsome Joe fantasies…)

      1. YerMa

        I agree with you both and been saying if fordamnever. But I am from WI so have seen more of Ryan than the rest of you ever should.

      2. MittBorg

        True. I hate to admit it, but Sarah was frighteningly good in the demagoguish department. Ryan tries to get by on "charm" (which he really ain't got that much of) and smarm (which he's got aplenty, but fuck me if it ain't a turnoff).

          1. MittBorg

            I sure as hell wouldn't put Mister Happy into that lipless slit of a mouth.But yeah. He's the kind of guy who SO wants to suck your dick but only because he thinks he'll get something out of it. So will you, but it's usually something you *don't* want, like the clap.

  46. FakaktaSouth

    A Romney administration (shudder) would have a lot of (really wretched terrible)things, credibility ain't any of them. Can you fucking imagine? Of ALL words, CREDIBILITY?

    1. NellCote71

      They are awesomely Chiclet white. Joe's teeth, not your husband. I don't know if that describes your husband or not.

  47. Monsieur_Grumpe

    At the end of this debate Joe needs to set Paul on his knee and tell him he did pretty good for a kid.

  48. bibliotequetress

    Ryan is talking about credibility. Ryan is taking about credibility . Rya…bollocks bollocks bollocks.

    OT of Iran, did everyone read the news about the Maersk embargo? Like it or not, that's a kidney punch.

  49. AlterNewt

    "These are the most crippling sanctions in the history of sanctions. Period. Period."

    ~Joe Biden~

  50. Callyson

    Let's look at this from the view of the ayatollahs

    That should be easy for a member of the American Taliban like Ryan…

  51. Jerri

    After that last one I can't take this one. I overheard ryan saying "oh gosh!"
    from the tv in the other room and that just about gave me a fucking coronary.

  52. Callyson

    Love the moderator pushing back on Ryan's rambling about how we need to change the Iranians' mind. Now, if only she would give Biden equal time here…

  53. redarmyzombie

    'Kay guys, my Telly's crapping out on me so I'm a little out of the loop here. What'd I miss?

  54. PugglesRule

    Old Handsome Joe grins at Eddie Munster's comments. Especially when Ryan says stuff like, "We've got to get (Iran) to change their minds."

  55. chascates

    I think PBS said Biden's made over 6,900 train trips (mainly back to DE, to get to his family after the tragedy they had). I don't see Ryan in anything but a private railway car. And not enjoying that.

    1. miss_grundy

      In 2008, if I remember correctly, there was video at the convention with the conductor who used to see him on the train everyday commuting to DC.

  56. SayItWithWookies

    Raddatz says Netanyahu's "red line" happens this spring. Oh, and Ryan just finished bitching about how we should agree with Israel on everything. I'm so glad our president isn't committed to Israel regardless of how crazy the PM at the time is.

  57. Callyson

    "This is a bunch of stuff"

    Too bad Joey isn't on Wonkette, where he could say exactly what he means…

  58. AbandonHope_

    Both my grandfathers are dead, so I hereby nominate Joe Biden to replace them. (Once he stops cozying up to the MPAA and RIAA, that is.)

  59. Chet Kincaid_

    "I am Bibi's daughter's godfather!! Bibi and I chase women together, although I throw 'em back because I love Jill! Don't fuckin' talk to me about Bibi, Kid."

  60. Callyson

    Thanks heavens we have these sanctions in place

    The same sanctions you were dissing two minutes ago, Ryan? Bitch, please…

    1. MittBorg

      I know. OHJB trapped him so neatly with that one. I don't think the fucker even realized what had happened as he watched his sliced ass fall slowly to the ground.

          1. redarmyzombie

            Yup. It's still goin'!

            As a matter of fact, it kinda makes me want to go for a night on the town…

          2. MittBorg

            Where do you younguns get the energy? I am passing out heah. Oh yeah it's probly all the painkillers.Well, don't get in any trouble, and have a good time if you do take your little ass out on the town!

          1. Biff

            I changed my avatar in honor of Joe Cool, so look for Snoopy in shades instead of the choking chicken, who will return subsequently.

  61. FakaktaSouth

    Did Joe just say Oh god damn under his breath? I know he did, I know it. Just, oh god damn Paul Ryan you and your bullshit, just bullshit. And don't be talking about what's Irish. I give a shit what your name is. Just, no.

  62. Callyson

    Moderator is trying again to get Ryan to answer the question on using military power in Iran. He is refusing to answer it again.

    PLEASE, MSM, please call this fucker out on his weaseling ways…

  63. SayItWithWookies

    "And if we have to take action, we will have the rest of the world behind us — that matters."

    Yes! Remember when our president's motto was "Let them hate us, so long as they fear us?" Guess what — the Democrats' foreign policy of not treating every nation like it needs to be taken down produces better results.

  64. bibliotequetress

    Oh, Paul, do TELL us ladies what's worse! Lecture us from your brilliant foreign policy cloud of brilliance!

  65. AbandonHope_

    Paulie Boy… when we go all "all options are on the table" aka "we're gonna bomb y'all," the first thing the Ayatollah says is "hey, maybe I should get, I don't know, a nuclear weapon to protect ourselves".

  66. nirrti_rachelle

    I just love how Biden habitually puts emphases on each word in a sentence. "We. Will. Not. Bomb. Iran." "I. Do. Not. Think. We……"

    1. VeraSevera

      Yes, but heaven on earth would be Jennifer Granholm debating Connie Rice and the Wonkettes having hot lady sex while they blog…

  67. Callyson

    I forget how many months straight of private sector job growth we've had under Obama. Joey, can you remind me?

  68. FakaktaSouth

    There it is! There it is! Let Detroit go bankrupt! Wooo! Damn Joe you are good baby, you are good.

  69. Callyson

    Instead of signing pledges to Grover Norquist, sign one for the middle class…no different rules for Wall Street and Main Street

    Love it! Go Joey!

    1. Callyson

      My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
      And they're like
      It's better than yours,
      Damn right it's better than yours,
      I can teach you,
      But I have to charge

  70. Anne_Athema

    Oh, feck! The 47%!!! And the debate is over 25 minutes after it began. Watch Barry O rip Willard a new one next week. I am giggling like a schoolgirl.

  71. AbandonHope_

    I am about ready to stand, salute Biden, and start singing "America the Beautiful". Holy SHIT that was devastating.

      1. chascates

        Hell, any cask strength bourbon folks in the crowd? I'm mighty partial to Booker Noe. Of course, I'll drink whatever you have; I'm not a snob.

  72. SayItWithWookies

    How come Ryan's bitching about how slow the recovery is going instead of standing up and taking a fuckin' bow for it? If he hadn't gutted the stimulus and opposed the jobs bills, we wouldn't be here. That's his own legislative activity he's complaining about.

  73. ibwilliamsi

    Just pulling numbers out of his ass is all he's got. "Five point plan". We'll tell you how later.

  74. PugglesRule

    Paul, stop talking about Mitt being a car guy. You're giving OHJB an opening to alk about outsourcing!! LOL

  75. Callyson

    I would kill if just one fucking moderator would point out what every economist knows–unemployment is a lagging indicator, meaning that it is the last thing to bounce back. So it is not surprising that it is taking longer than anyone wants to recover…

    (Don't even get me started on the government layoffs boosting the unemployment figures–I don't have enough alcohol to get me through that rant…)

  76. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    These guys think "small business" is someone with 250 employees and $5M in receipts. Meanwhile, they're literally giving away the store to the big boxes, shutting down the REAL small businesses.

  77. bibliotequetress

    Economies growin', Paul. Unemployment is going down. Please entertain me by trying to make that sound bad.
    Ooooooh, Paul accidently mentioned Detroit and Mitt in the same sentence! He'll regret that!

  78. iburl

    Ryan's Eddie Munster 'do is in fine form tonight.

    I pretty sure that pointy little twilight merkin on his forehead is blocking his third eye.

  79. bibliotequetress

    Sorry, I don't consider donating to a church charity in the same way I consider donating to Doctors Without Borders charity.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      Church charity doesn't count when you don't let anyone outside of your church inside your church. That's ticket to heaven money.

  80. GregComlish

    Guys I am stealing internet to watch the debate (proud 47%er), but living streaming CSPAN is slow as balls. Just please tell me: Are we winning?

  81. PugglesRule

    Ryan, don't bring up CAR CRASHES to OHJB, who lost his first wife and little daughter in an accident. WTF you lose, sucka.

  82. Anne_Athema

    Willard gave more to charity than both OHJB and the fraggle? Right, that charity would be his tithings to the Mormon Church. Asshole.

  83. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah it's not like Mitt's little tirade about the 47% was a one-word slip-up — it was an drawn-out paragraph about how the people who don't pay federal income tax feel entitled to everything from the government and can't ever be persuaded to take responsibility for themselves. Literally.

  84. SkinnyNerd

    Are we voting for the person with the biggest sob story? If this continues I am going to bed crying tonight.

    1. zumpie

      If that were the case OHJB would be permanent king of the USA. Not ONE of other three guys can even approach the VEEP in the awesomenest dad, back from the saddest ever.

    1. MittBorg

      I don't think the pain of losing a child or a family member ever really goes away. At least it didn't for my parents, who could weep almost as brokenly in their late 70s over the death of my sister as they did when it first happened.

      1. orygoon

        For sure. My mom was and is shattered by my sister's death, and clearly always will be. And since Day One–actually, before–I could not/cannot bear the thought of losing one of my spawn. Nothing could be more crushing.

        1. MittBorg

          It was strange to see them break down so completely sixty years after the event. They wept. I only ever saw them cry like that the day they found out she died.

      2. redarmyzombie

        It doesn't. My Uncle committed suicide a couple years ago, and while we've gone on with our lives it never truly goes away. My Grandmother, bless her heart, was hit the hardest, and though she's put on a brave face she's only just starting to recover from it.

        1. MittBorg

          Oh god I am so fucking sorry. That is hard. Your poor grandmother. Suicide seems like such a rejection, but it's not really, it's just … sometimes life is too painful to put up with any more.I send your grandmother many kind and loving thoughts to heal her pain maybe just a little.

          1. redarmyzombie

            Thanks MittBorg. Unfortunately, my uncle was an alcoholic who'd been clean for many, many years but fell back into it sometime after his divorce. I don't know too much about what was going on, but I think his ex-wife was trying to use their son in order to hurt him; I say that, because she certainly tried to use him against us after my uncle passed.

            My Grammie's a tough bird, and she's tried to put on a brave face, but she's had a hard time keeping things together since. Thankfully, she is strong, and she's started making a better effort to take care of herself lately.

  85. cousinitt

    Romney once raised a car accident victim from the dead because he was so generous with his money. He makes Mother Theresa look like a piker.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Romney once raised a car accident victim from the dead because he was so generous with his money. He makes Mother Theresa look like a piker.

      Ryan "misspoke". He meant to say Bishop Romney baptized the dead car accident victim.

  86. chascates

    Love that Ryan's flourish with the pen when Joe first started–it's like he took the entire attention of the viewer with that.

  87. Serfville

    Here's a one for you Joe, at least I don't make "gaffes" about "those people" scrounging for food, a roof and healthcare when I'm pimping for $50 Thou a plate with the audio on!

  88. Callyson

    Yes–go on about the private sector jobs and how the Reeps need to get out of the way!

    Mr President, watch and learn…

  89. AbandonHope_

    This is an utter slaughter. I almost feel bad fo–HAHAHA no I can't even finish that sentence.

  90. gullywompr

    Ryan should have stayed on the porch with the little dogs, he's getting creamed.

    Just fucking creeeeeeeeeeemed……..

  91. faster_kittycat

    If I have to look at the zombie eyed granny starver for the next four years…. well…. I may just drink more or less than I do now.

  92. Callyson

    No, fucker, we did not have the power to do everything at our choosing–you assholes set up a record number of filibusters, for one thing…

  93. SayItWithWookies

    "let's not forget that this party came in with one-party control."

    That's your retort against that verbal onslaught, Paul Ryan? Your rhetoric is as sickly as your complexion.

  94. iburl

    According to Maddow, Martha Raddis is not supposed to call Paulie "Congressman" in the contract agreement.

    She's totally Raddisical

  95. AbandonHope_

    Yeah, they WOULD have had two-party control, if the Republicunts hadn't been filibustering every single fucking thing.

  96. mayor_quimby

    Awwww, SSSSS, AWWWWW, ssssss, Ooooohhh /family guy
    on the car accident story. Jesus H Christ,

  97. Mumbletypeg

    Sorry if someone already said it — but this capable, by turns calm-or-passionate artistry from Biden is just what I was looking for the other night from our President.

  98. Callyson

    We would not have to borrow money from China if we did not subsidize the oil industry and unneeded tax cuts for the rich, asshole…

  99. OurHoboSenator

    Don't know how this is playing with the low-information voters out there…oh, who am I kidding? They're watching Honey Boo Boo right now.

    But I am loving the hell out of this.

    1. FeloniousMonk

      You think that's perfect hair? And I don't think I'd like to know his tailor. I'll grant you that he's Lee Ho Fuk'd.

  100. FeloniousMonk

    Slaughter. There's another hour to go. By the end I expect to see Ryan reduced to a bloody, pitiful mess on the floor. By words.

    1. NellCote71

      And I am going to be drunk as a skunk. We have already gulped at Scranton, several car crashes, 47%, Reagan. . . What's left?

  101. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Here we go "we got benefits, that saved us, but if YOU get benefits, that's socialism."

  102. Callyson

    If you reform these programs for my generation…

    …you can kill Medicare slowly and sneakily,


  103. SayItWithWookies

    Paul, you can't get away with this vague bullshit about how you're preserving Medicare. Joe's gonna nail you to the wall — you should've realized that by now, you callow little man.

  104. snowpointsecret

    Someone told me there should be a buzzer that would go off every time Ryan lies.

    Wouldn't that be an endless noise, sounding not unlike a vuvuzela?