Don’t got an hour and a half to fart around watching the entire Biden/Palin flaying of 2008 in advance of the Biden/Ryan catfight to come tonight? Then fuck you, you’re banned! OKAY FINE, highlights after the jump. Dicks.

Pfft, pansies.

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  • Barbara_

    Let's all meet back here tonight and get our drink on! I'm buying!

  • I'm worried that, if you all start drunk blogging during Biden's debate, all manners of perversion will break out.

    Wait. What's the opposite of "worried"? Not worried, hoping.

    • cousinitt

      That's what we're hoping from Biden.

    • mrpuma2u

      Like we need any libations to break out the obscenities here.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Not "hoping" but "assured".

    • Well it looks like we're off to a good start!

  • Baconzgood

    I can't watch the debate. The Steelers are playing tonight. Priorities people! I also have to buy shoe polish and smokes.

    • And hobo beans

      • Baconzgood

        No hobo beans for Baconz. Start my new jerb Monday. This means I wont have as much time to wonk off. (*Sniffle*). But it pays almost 25% more. So I have to actually do work and not show up drunk after lunch…not until I put in a few years there.

        • Yay, we has a rich Baconz! Don't forget to throw some $$ at ActBlue For Teh Cuntry, dood. I'll miss you in the daytime. But I'll probably actually get to see you more if you check in in the evenings, which is usually when I check in (your time) anyway.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          "So I have to actually do work and not show up drunk after lunch…not until I put in a few years there."

          Tenure/Seniority does have its advantages. I have been here long enough I can be drunk all afternoon. I just have to make sure I sober up before I drive to the Liquor Store.

          • This is where yon ambitious subalterns come in so handy, dear.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Go get yer shine box. Can Joe beat down Ryan any worse than the Steelers are going to beat down the Flaming Thumbtacks?

      • Baconzgood

        I'm not sure what that means but I'm going to take it as you saying that the STILLERS ARE GONNA KICK ASS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YINZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • UW8316154

          Stillers? Aren't they a NASCAR team out of Tennessee?

    • GregComlish

      Baconz is too busy polishing knobs and smoking poles?

      • Baconzgood

        Don't hate the playah hate the gamez! Don't judge me too also.

        • GregComlish

          I am judging your pole smoking abilities.

          Performance: satisfactory
          Attitude: satisfactory
          Neatness: needs improvement

          • Look man, the only judging in that event is "spit/swallow"…

    • Callyson

      Bummer…I've got a buddy who is TiVo'ing the game so I'll catch it after the debate. GO STEELERS!

    • ibwilliamsi

      That's what PIP is for!

    • And, since I'm a tivoer, may I ask that no one mention scores tonight. Since it's the Steelers, I won't be able to read balloon juice until I'm finished.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Ben Rothl Roethl Rothlisbeu The Steelers QB just got a 15 yard penalty for attempted rape.

    • LePiston

      We have a classy tv on top of tv set up in our living room. Geaux Aze!!!!! My boyfriend is going to have to deal with no volume on his set for the game.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if Ryan will give us a wink. It worked so well for Sarah.

    • He'll flex

      (reference New Listings on Wonkville)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I've never gone there. What happens?

        • Lemme put it this way: it's easier if you're nude already, but it won't really matter unless you like your clothes.

      • T3rbo

        He will actually flex and kiss his biceps, Hulk Hogan style. And then he will nail his friends wife, on the internet. Hulk Hogan style.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I'll bet he jumps from a tall light stand, loses his feather, then hears from Mittens that it was never magic, then flaps his ears and flies around the room – giving hope to all the the boys and girls of the world. Either that, or lies his fucking face off.

  • Just put the wink on infinite loop.

  • Indiepalin

    Ryan hit it out of the park tonight.

    • Radiotherapy

      In under three hours.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd rather stick hot knitting needles in my eyes and ears than listen to that screechy harpy.

    • By whom I HOPE you don't mean Tina Fey.

    • IncenseDebate

      Especially when he starts talking about Ayn Rand.

      • Insufficient Upfists In Universe.

      • T3rbo

        Uh, no. That will be the best part. Because Ayn Rand was insane and had a very, uh, interesting philosophy. I would love for that harpy to start quoting her nonsense

        The moral cannibalism of all hedonist and altruist doctrines lies in the premise that the happiness of one man necessitates the injury of another=what the fuck?

  • Boojum

    I want to see Uncle Joey drilling Marathon Man's teeth.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is that safe?

    • Generation[redacted]

      I never got to the end of that movie. Was Dustin Hoffman okay?

      • Boojum

        No. He went on to make Ishtar.

        • Why? WHY did you have to remind me?

          I was FORCED to watch that once, on an exceedingly long and boring flight. It was either that or stab my eyes out with a leaky rollerball.

  • HempDogbane

    She needs those shoulder pads now more than ever.

    • mille derps

      I thought she shifted them to her bra?

  • coolhandnuke

    I'll be prepping myself by watching my Dick Cheney video "How to drunkenly hunt lawyers."

  • Sarah was so FAT back then!

    • kittensdontlie

      And comments like yours made her skinny today. Has she thanked you yet?

      • No, she was actually physically healthy back then.

        (We are still a snark site, right?)

        • kittensdontlie

          Sorry…you got caught in friendly snark-fire.

  • Actually have tickets for something tonight and won't be able to watch live, but will check in to Wonkette for the skinny before I watch.

    • Mittaplasia

      Me, too, for a rain-or-shine outdoor concert and there are thunderstorms in the area; ratz!

  • OkieDokieDog

    I hope Uncle Joe mops the floor with that little whippersnapper twatwaffle.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I hope that Ryan asks if he can call him Joe.

    • Pragmatist2

      And Biden replies "Sure, if I can call you "Clueless Asshole.""

    • FNMA

      And Joe will reply, "Sure, Junior."

    • Generation[redacted]

      Ryan, you may call me "Thank you sir and may I have another."

    • Boojum

      "No, but you can call and congratulate me after the election, Sport."

    • BoroPrimorac

      I got your Joe right here, pal.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Oh my goodness, here we go. I don't WANT Paul Ryan to wink, I want him to throw up on himself, then stone cold faint out, something befitting the dignity of his policies. And I want Joe to laugh at him while rubbing his ball sack on Paul's forehead chanting "you will not kill medicare you son of a bitch." See Chet? My expectations aren't too high?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I wonder what percentage of occurrence Nate Silver gives that.

      • Boojum

        I don't know, but now I wish I believed in the power of prayer, because a beneficent God would make this happen.

        • Maybe I'm just weird, but I do not want to see Biden's nutsack, nor see it anywhere near Ryan's creepy face.

    • I don't WANT Paul Ryan to wink, I want him to throw up on himself, then stone cold faint out. .. And I want Joe to laugh at him while rubbing his ball sack on Paul's forehead

      Awright where is the "Fall in love with FakaktaSouth all over again" thread — because I just did, I think… even though I'm straight… not to mention spoken for.. *checks watch* still at work so not drunk yet..
      SING IT, sister! and Amen.

      • prommie

        Oh hell, I fall in love with her all over again daily. She's a stone genius, on top of all else and such. Hilarious.

        • Well, I'm pretty sure she's *not* stoned, but yeah, all the rest.

    • Girl.

      And that is ALL I'm gonna say.

    • prommie

      Oh hell if he does the laying on of nutsack on that marathon liar, then there has to be some more than just more momentous celebratory form of toasting we will have to come up with, I mean for our debate "drinking" game. More, just more.

      • Raw oysters and champagne. Sake hot and cold by the bucket.

    • Ms. Promzarelli, you have left me speechless.

    • prommie

      Honey you left out pissing his pants, shitting the bed, and the best of all, you know he's gonna throw some kind of affronted whiny little man temper tantrum out there and Joe is gonna goad him on and taunt him just by smiling that big old Handsome Joe condescending smile. Man I hates some whiny little man temper tantrums, but the good thing about them is they reveal the shitheadedness of their thrower to one and all at last.

      • FakaktaSouth

        All I can hope is that Paul tells us all what his "really hard to explain with math" numbers are in some newer stupider contentious way and that Joe tells him to stop acting like it's such a big fucking deal to be honest and just admit the fucking truth about for whom he makes his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad policies. For ONCE.

        • prommie

          I'm telling ya, there will be mention of his marathon time, and all the mountains he's climbed too.

          • No way, Runners' World totally PWND his ass on that. And also too the mountains.

          • FakaktaSouth

            We're hoping it's OHJoe that brings it up, natch. We want for him to ask him if his medicare policy is as phoney and made up out of whole cloth as his running times or some such tacky thing. We want blood and sputtering and embarrassment. Because, Fuck Paul Ryan.

          • OHJoe sounds SOOO sexxxay! Especially when you say it in that gin-laden tone of voice.

            I love when you talk dirty to me, girl. Blood and sputtering? I dream!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      I'll be surprised if poor Paul stays for the whole debate.

    • mrpuma2u

      That gets my vote for comment of the day. The muse was upon you, sister. 7,002 virtual upfists to you.

  • nounverb911

    There's still time for Ryan to chicken out and go Galt.

  • Is Paul Ryan planning to wink at us???

    Will he make the editors of the NRO blush????????

  • Doktor Zoom

    I have to work tonight, dammit. Lousy stoopid divorcing people and their lousy stoopid mandatory "how to co-parent without fucking up your children more than you already have" class. (If the nanny state didn't interfere so much in citizens' lives, I could be free to read the liveblog tonight…)

    • Well if you don't have to watch, then I am not watching either.

      Mom, Zoom is looking at me, tell him to stop looking at me…MOM

    • mrpuma2u

      I feel your pain. Had to do that crap when my first marriage busted up. At least your ex-wife hasn't accused you of child abuse (yet).

      • I think Dok and the ex-Mrs. Dok are friends, and co-conspirators in the loving raising of Kid Dok.

        Which is as it should be.

        I'm very sorry you had a nasty experience in that regard.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Yes, as Mittborg notes, I've mentioned elsewhere that my own divorce was peachy. I But I have to *work* the friggin' class tonight and help people with paperwork, possibly iron out details of their parenting plans.

        See, if I had made the right choices and been an investment banker, I could just stay home and watch the debate with my money.

        • Boojum

          Can you do parenting plans for people who AREN'T divorced?

          • Or divorce classes for people who aren't parenting?

    • prommie

      We should form a wonkette sub-group, we could call ourselves "divorced from reality" or some shit.

      • FakaktaSouth

        As long as that D-word is in there, I am happy happy happy to join.

        • prommie

          Oh baby we are the founders!

      • HA! my ex husband's second wife (i was the first and we had no kids) did that to him.

        he was a total pain in the ass but no child molester.

        • Suddenly, I feel like, stupid and clueless as I've been most of my long life, I have been one of the luckiest people in the world. I'm still quite close to nearly all my ex-partners, although we don't necessarily spend time with each other any more.

          How awful to be accused of such a heinous crime by the person who ought to love you best and have your interests at heart.

          • mrpuma2u

            Thanks, I appreciate that, truly. The experience did in fact suck Beluga whales. I survived, but my relationship with the ex did not. It's still a hair away from daggers drawn. Marriage 2.0 is going much better.

          • I'm very glad to hear that, mrpuma! (Hugs you)

          • me TOO! close to all my ex's! i know about my ex husband b/c he came to me for help. we actually talk a fair amount and he's helped me out (and mr. fuflans – partner of 15 years) and i've helped him.

            his second wife was psychotic and rich and utterly vindictive. she totally ruined him (financially, reputation-ally, left him with an under-water million dollar property), though he IS bouncing back.

            i would so hate that. though i imagine it can be hard to avoid in many cases.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Reality was emotionally abusing me so reality and I divorced a long time ago. Since then I have taken out numerous restraining orders against it.

        • prommie

          And reality is so fucking ugly, too.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Meh, reality is for those who haven't discovered the wonders of gin.

          • The weed makes your head hurt less.

          • Boojum

            Or tequila.

          • or cabernet which i will be wielding in the direction of little lord ryan's smug mug all night.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            And such a jerk!

    • Beats having to call out "Gimme beer, willya?" every fifteen minutes.

    • you should get kid zoom to help with liveblogging!

    • LibertyLover

      Careful someone doesn't call you illegitimate and want to execute you.

      • Good god, can you believe these people THINK like this? They're mad. There's no other way to describe their hideous reality.

  • Dammit, one of the reasons I voted [edit: in 2008] was so I'd never have to see another Sarah Palin debate. Besides, I've got Jeopardy to watch and then litterboxes to clean out, and then probably dinner because drinking 1.5 liters of Chardonnay on an empty stomach would be a bad idea.

    For tonight I'm just hoping Paul Ryan finally ditches his electric razor or just learns how to shave. His preternaturally pale face with its permanent five-o'clock shadow doesn't mean boyish enthusiasm so much as a 19-year-old on his first job interview. The fact that his inability to add makes him "the serious one" just makes me crave seeing him suffer a beat-down of historic proportions all the more.

    • mrpuma2u

      Just go steal a bag of fun size snickers, they go great with Chardonnay.

      • Yeah, that'll be great for the spins. I'm gonna stick with my snack of choice, thank you.

        • mrpuma2u

          Something marginally good for you? pshaw…
          Due to budgetary restrictions I will most likely be imbibing Diet Dr. Pepper with rum, which I have dubbed "Dr's Orders"

          • *My* doctor told me to go find some weed after my surgery.

          • They're also ridiculously hot and go well with white wine, whereas Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like licking a children's playground set doused in cough medicine and goes well with spinal meningitis.

          • Well, when you put it that way… um, pass the Chardonnay?

          • And I've got ginger ale if you want to bring the Bulleit over.

          • ok but you can keep the wasabi snacks. unless you wanna see my "uh-o" face~

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            EEEK. Bulleit libel! That stuff is too good for anything other than a couple of rocks.

          • Oh, it's definitely great by itself — but purity is for l'Academie Francaise. Besides if we played a drinking game with straight up Bulleit I'd be dead in an hour.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            Good point.

          • mrpuma2u

            Ooh the wasabe edamame? Those are tasty.

          • Hell yeah — even better, about every tenth one is much hotter than average, so there's a little surprise in every handful.

          • Don't nobody accuse Wooks of not having a way with words, now.

    • pffft. gaffey joe goes best with cabernet man, cabernet.

      • I'd love to, but the really good tannic reds make my teeth purple and feel sticky. Fortunately there are some pretty good dry whites out there.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I want Handsome Old Joe to fuck him in the ass, hard. And not with votes.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      With sand for lubricant!!!

      • I'd settle for scouring powder. And the 12" special with the enormous girth, from Good Vibrations. Paul would look SO good in black leather restraints, don't you think? With silver studs?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Oooh, maybe a (symbolic) beatdown with a 15" black rubber double-ended dildo, like Harry the Hatchet in Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels. That'd be cool.

          • I come to Wonketz to learn NEW and EXCITING things. (writes down name of movie, runs off to Netflix)

      • LibertyLover

        Sand doesn't make for very good lube….oh, oh, I see what you did there….

    • Mittaplasia

      …with fists, because Jill.

    • prommie


    • widestanceromance

      "Yeah, Cheeseboy, lemme know when you can taste your own shit, I might slow down."

    • kittensdontlie

      Don't give Ryan what he wants…make him beg.

  • Hey O'Biden, you got that restraining order against The Editrix yet? Well, don't say we did not warn you.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Joe: Congressman, I served with Eddie Munster, I knew Eddie Munster, Eddie Munster was a friend of mine. Congressman, you're no Eddie Munster.

    • …now, I DID know Gov. Granny-Starver.
      You're kinda like him.

  • If we're lucky Ryan will show up to the debate wearing the red "bro cap" that he wore in that photoshoot, backwards, because CURLS, bro.

    • T3rbo

      Best headline ever? "Paul Ryan Posed for Photos While Lifting Weights in a Backwards Hat", Because, descriptive.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Dear God I knew he was a douchebag tool, but wow.

      • Generation[redacted]

        WTF, is he auditioning for VP or Jersey Shore?!

        • T3rbo

          he's one of those people that is likable with sleeves, but once he wears a shirt with short sleeves or no sleeves, you know you will not like the guy. I have no idea what it is. I hate Paul Ryan's arms.

          • No, that face is not "likeable," sleeves or sleeveless.

        • mille derps

          He heard that the Beastie Boys might have an opening.

      • He's ugly as sin.

        • mille derps

          But sin can be downright attractive…

          • Oh, no, cher. The *lures* that lead us into sin can be very attractive. Sin itself (as defined as violence against any living thing) is not.

            But that's my opinionated old cranky opinion, and how DO you do?

          • mille derps

            Gluttony, sloth, lust?

            But I grew up without any Christian blathering about sin, so I don't really take the concept too seriously. My morality doesn't involve notions of 'sin', but has more to do with reasoning about right & wrong…

            I'm doing just fine- my sweetie just went to get us some take-out Thai food- yum!

            How about you?

          • I come from a different religious tradition. Sin is that which causes suffering, either to oneself or to other living beings. Outside of that there is no sin. Thus, sloth is only sinful if such sloth causes one to neglect minor children or a needy spouse/parent. Under the right circumstances sloth can be divine (see, e.g., Valmiki, legend of).

            While looking for things to ease my pain, I came across a fine, forgotten stash of something reddish-purple, that goes by the name of Lucid Dream. My, but it's fine. Though I wish the debate would start.

  • Hey, wow, BossLady, you sure are getting crabby. Don't worry, BeccaLou. Old Handsome Joe Biden still loves you, you know that! Watch him piss all over Ryan tonight. And then wipe his dick in that hair.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope he shows up for the debate in his freshly-washed Trans Am.

  • T3rbo

    Yeah, it's not going to be this cute. Remember how everyone was talking about how Biden couldn't be condescending or too mean, as Palin was a woman? Paul Ryan is not a woman, so Biden can go after the guy, and he will. If he can.
    The question is, will Ryan tell the truth or not? Is Biden prepared to deal with Romney Plan A (moderate) or Romney Plan B (Tea Party), or a combination of both? Will there be a Romney Plan C, with totally new made up and undocumented details, that Biden is unprepared for?

    • i remember it also as: he couldn't be too mean b/c she was too 'inexperienced' (read: dumb).

      no such limitations here. however, i do NOT think this will be easy.

      i hope i'm wrong.

      • T3rbo

        I think Ryan will just try to keep the Biden from flaring up. They must expect Joe to go on the offensive, so they probably prepped Ryan to just repeat the same bullshit talking points over and over again and run out the clock. It'll be like Rocky, but less entertaining, and I bet the media is going to spin a Ryan non-loss in to a victory,in order to keep the narrative compelling. I don't remember the dominant media meme from the Palin debate at all?

    • synykyl

      … The question is, will Ryan tell the truth or not? …

      I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that Ryan will not tell the truth.

      • T3rbo

        Sure, he is going to tell his version of the truth. The media will not pay attention to the fact that the truth keeps changing, but is that really the most important thing in the debate? You and I may think that the truth is some kind of constant, but that's why we are only tangentially involved in these debates and not on television. The question is, who will have the better abs in the debate?

      • Yeah, that prophecy would be really a stretch, wouldn't it?

  • SmutBoffin

    Go get 'em, Caramel Hands!

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Caramel hands are for terror.
      They're crazy lunch digits.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    How come Youtube doesn't have a fast forward?

    • Click the timeline at the bottom and drag it across.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Joe should come out in a Grandpa Munster costume.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My impression of Joe is more along the lines of Gomez Addams.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    To be fair, Palin is an idiot.

    • T3rbo

      To be fair, Ryan bases his ideology on a NOVEL. In middle school, I didn't read Stephen King's Pet Cemetery and dedicate my life to making sure people stopped building cemeteries on top of sacred native burial grounds, but here we are.

      I am a man who does not exist for others-The Fountainhead

      • T3rbo

        On the other hand, Biden should just speak in Ayn Rand quotes and relate them to W's deficit running war mongering party of values, it will completely confuse Ryan
        On the economic crisis:
        Look around you: what you have done to society, you have done it first within your soul; one is the image of the other. This dismal wreckage, which is now your world, is the physical form of the treason you committed to your values, to your friends, to your defenders, to your future, to your country, to yourself-Atlas Shrugged

        • LibertyLover

          Now, THAT would be a debate worth watching. I look forward to that in the rematch in 2016 of Ryan vs Biden for the top spot.

  • coolhandnuke

    Hoping Joe wears Harry Reid's boxing gloves and Ryan slips on Mitt's fudge-packing gloves for tonight's bout.

  • DemonicRage

    Queen Latifa is a mega-talent. Someone should offer her a starring role in a fine made-for-tv movie, like "Fried Green Magnolias!"

  • bonghitforjesus

    So I checked out the AARP article on Paul Ryan- apparently, he "often fingers a rosary." Heh.

    • T3rbo

      I can't find that article, all I get is "Paul Ryan Booed at AARP speech"…

      • bonghitforjesus

        Check the "From around the web" box between the story and the comments: 15 Things you didn't know about Paul Ryan..

    • But his wife's name is Janna!!!!!

  • I gave it my best, Editrix. I cannot listen to that whiny cunt. There is no incentive great enough to make me sit through that facile, shallow, superficial, lying BIMBO's blather. I'm sorry.

  • UnholyMoses

    As someone who can't drink and doesn't know where to get a nice dime bag here in KC, I'll be doing ANYTHING other than watching the debate.

    Well, almost anything. Still can't self pleasure thanks to that rather-large-woman-with-front-butt-vomiting-everywhere pic from yesterday. But other than that …

    • Every day, in every way, I'm learning something more bizarre. BRB.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, I guess this is a big fucking deal, huh?

  • prommie

    Now Ahem but I do have this prediction to make about our Old Handsome Joe tonight. Old Handsome Joe is gonna show, to those who need showing, that OLD GUYS RULE!

    You just know that the order has been given, especially after the first Obama debate; Release The Biden!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Now let's see some fancy pageant walkin'

  • May the best liar win!

  • gullywompr

    Ya know, ol' Editrix is starting to get pretty good at humiliating us.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      I know. *swoon*

    • widestanceromance

      Do you think Benincasa rubbed off on her (cue all the straight male Wonkers spontaneously "peaking")?

      • gullywompr

        I'd buy that for a dollar.

    • Probly been talking to the divine Sara Benincasa. How I LONG to be called a proggy maggot!

      • MB, read some back threads from this week. Ms. Benincasa has been posting here as well as commenting~

  • i hope you all are correct. i of course, am worried and rather scarred after this last hellish week.

    and i do not think ryan will be a walk in the park.

    i sincerely hope i'm very wrong.

    now i'm going to pull weeds out of my failed state of a garden to relieve stress.

  • Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post.

    Baconz's sure gonna miss the Wonketters. Tomorrow is my last day of slack at work. The Bob Dobbs philosophy has gotten me pretty far with this clients and my company. But alas, all good things must come to an end. I find not being on Wonkette difficult to masterbate to. The new jerb is probally gonna make me work for my money like a common serf that's expected to do things other than snark and drink gin durring my down time at work. Iz haz teh sadz. It took me years to scare the shit out of other coworkers. They wouldn't snitch on me for fear of retaliation (like putting dead birds randomly in thier office, down loading then e-mailing bizarre Dutch pornography to everyone in the building from their terminal, or setting fire to a jelly jar full of oregano in thier office-to make it smell like bong hits- while they were at lunch.)

    I've snarked and pranked in the office things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to take a new jerb.

    • What will be, will be.

      So hurry up and get fired.

      • Baconzgood

        Trust me actor. I'm gonna be SHIT FACED tomorrow at work. I may, or may not get any sleep tonight. Really tie one on and then come into work with my church pants (because they are holey) and my tee-shirt that sais "FUCK YOU!!! I'M WITH THE BAND" or the other one that sais "BIG TITS NEVER HURT ANYONE. DAYTOA BEACH SPRING BREAK '85"

        • Just make sure your dick ain't hangin' outa any of them holes in your pants, or you;ll be in a jail cell come Monday. No, it's none of yer business how I would know.

        • Isyaignert

          A friend told me someone showed up at work with a tee that said "Turn up the juke and boogie 'till you puke."

    • …At least save me one, last, good misspelling/ double-entendre of somethin' (I think you know which word will do the trick), tomorrow. For old times sake? *sniff*…

    • Mittens Howell, III

      First week's always rough. See you in week 2.

    • IncenseDebate

      WTF! I am sorry to hear this. You can snark after work?

      • Baconzgood

        You can but it's like kissing your sister. You gotta snark on page one to get the peeness up. You fist me yo so I can walk away with my peeness up as high as it can go. I've been at 129p for a long time. I think I need ZyGain.

        • Look again, Smiley. Your p-ness drooped.

          • There's an app for that — but only select few have it methinks~

    • UnholyMoses

      "setting fire to a jelly jar full of oregano in thier office-to make it smell like bong hits- while they were at lunch.)"

      I have great interest! Perhaps you have a newsletter or website?

      (More honestly: Good luck at the new job! And here's to hoping that their Internet monitoring software sucks balls.)

    • Blueb4sinrise

      I agree with Mr. Howell above.
      Baconz will totally roolez that place in two weeks.

    • You can spent the first week or two building your laurels and then you can rest on them.

    • Aww, baby! C'mere! (nugs the li'l piglet but good)

    • That's OK, you and Negropolis can work the Late Night/Early Morning Snark Shift.

  • LibertyLover

    Cards vs. Nationals, O's vs Yanks, Steelers vs somebody, Biden vs somebody…. and I have to be somewhere during the live stuff. Which means that I will miss all of the pregame stuff on MSNBC and/or the wailing/gnashing of teeth/rending of clothing (or the celebratory high fives) post game….

    Tip one back for me, guys.

    • Lemme help:

      Baltimore 5 Yankees 2, series tied at 2

      Nats 3 Cards 0

      Steelers win in a rout

      There. Now go watch the debate.

      • StillGoinGreen

        As a Tx Rangers fan, I say:

        Baltimore – fuck you, Yankees – fuck you, series at: who gives a shit
        Nats – 3 Cards – Fuck you, series at, again, who gives a shit
        Steelers win in a rout

        Now, go watch Joe Joe fuck up that little puke!

        • LibertyLover

          Bitterness is a color that does NOT look good on you.

          I grew up in Texas until I traded the perpetually losing Rangers for the perpetual losing Mariners. Then moved to Arizona the year after they won the World Series and they proceeded to suck. At least the Rangers made it all the way to the end a couple of times, I'm still waiting for the M's to do the same…

          I take comfort in the fact that at least I'm not a Mets fan….

          • Hey, we won a couple of World Series!

          • LibertyLover

            Been quite the drought for you… Since before Rush Limbaugh was a RW talk radio jerk.

        • I always want Texas to lose (sorry, Green), mostly because I imagine that a loss gives W the sadz.

          As a Yankees fan, I can relate though, because seeing Rudy and Judy at the games makes me want to throw up. (But Derek's sweet little butt always makes up for that!)

          • StillGoinGreen

            The 2 main jokes around here right now are:

            (1) You know why Fort Worth doesn't have a pro football team? Because Dallas would want one too!

            (2) Why does the Ballpark in Arlington only serve boneless Buffalo wings? Because the Rangers are afraid they might choke!

    • T3rbo

      I'll summarize the debate for you:


      Biden opening speech: We must fund our schools in order to fund our schools

      Ryan: Obama is a black

      Biden: Obama is black, and a woman at heart

      Ryan: We must save social security and Medicare by destroying it

      Biden: Kids today…

      Ryan: Everything that I was for while in congress, I was against, because, Obama

      Biden: You have no shame, sir

      Ryan: You have no shame, look how you ruined the economy, with your mortgage crisis, and your Iraq War, which we should never have ended!

      Biden: We are killing the Quedas as hard as we can, all day long…

      Ryan, closing speech: Ladies and gentlemen, why are you not at work right now?

      Biden, closing speech: My fellow Americans, I am sorry for all of the blood and eye gouges. I am sorry you had to see that…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Geez. Someone didn't get their grilled cheese sandwich this morning.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Watching the Joe Joe/Snowcunt debate again reminds me of a time when I was a fat, balding white guy who drank way too much and worked at a dead-end job… well, so much for the changey part so far, but I still believe in the hopey part! Hey, it's 4 years later and I can now buy Bud Light instead of Natty Light, so – there is change after all!!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Looking forward to Ryan taking that first hit on his glass face.

  • cognachas4paws

    Just saw on the news that Paul Ryan wants to be referred to as Mr. Ryan during the debate – he doesn't want to be called Congressman so he isn't associated with our current Congress, of which he is a card-carrying member, on account of their bad approval rating. What a wuss.

    • T3rbo

      I want to be regarded as "your majesty," but it ain't gonna happen. I wonder if Biden honors the honorable Congressman's wishes?

      • I also wonder if "Democrat" Senator Biden, who spoke at the "Democrat" convention will agree to Congressman Ryan's request.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Will "8% approval rating Congressman Ryan" be an acceptable compromise?

    • He can want, but I suspect Joe will zing him hard if he tries asking.

      "Ashamed, Congressman?"

      • cognachas4paws

        The answer to that would be "no" because he has no shame, which would, coincidentally, be the first and only time Ryan has told the truth during this campaign.

    • Might I suggest instead of Mr. Ryan: "Frank Fallopian the Flim-Flam Flying Fuckwad?" This would prevent people from associating Congressman Ryan in ways he hopes to avoid.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Joe might be a bit late, he's busy making out with Paul Ryan's wife.

    • A quote from Biden's opening statement:

      The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did.

  • Tonight, biker bars across America will be quiet.

  • JackObin

    I get dibs on the White House coffee makers before the pitiful mormons move in.

    • They'll still need them to keep the staffers awake

  • Watching the debate would involve consciously accepting Paul Ryan into my field of view and area of consciousness. This is a thing I cannot allow to have happen. But I will be following the quips and yuks.

    • T3rbo

      You know that you can yell at the television, right? That's what I do. It keeps the evil out.

  • MistaEko

    OT (but so is this post and I figure this is as effective of an audience as any ):

    Does anyone have thoughts regarding working on the Hill? Highs, lows, what you actually do all day even though you'll write "issue research and analysis" on your resume? Is it an avenue to consider if and only if one is ____?

    Your wisdom and sarcasm is kindly appreciated.

    • LibertyLover

      Don't expect it to be like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"

      • MistaEko

        they're not gonna let me be a filibuster proxy? Fuck this…

        /shreds resume

    • Just piping in to say "Good luck." I think you are still on the job hunt? And relocating to DC, aren't you on west coast at the moment — correct me if I'm wrong.

      • MistaEko

        Still hunting. The not-a-fuckup Missus Eko landed a swanky fellowship here in DC for a few months and could walk into most jobs in the city when she finishes. So we're in DC through Dec.

    • Do you mean in Congress or at the website?

      • MistaEko

        House and Senate. I'm an old-fashioned, one-site kinda guy.

  • Boojum

    Something I didn't know, from the Wiki, is that, during high school, Joe Biden participated in an anti-segregation sit-in at a Wilmington theatre. I couldn't like him more, but it gives me more reason.

  • LibertyLover

    I want Obama to tell people this or any sort of version that he wishes.

  • sayprettyplease

    I wonder which puppeteer will be operating Paul's Muppet mouth.

  • Dammit, Wonketz, stop making me fall in love with ALLA youse again!

  • T3rbo

    It's going to be a lot like this
    But with Joe Biden taking a dump on it.

  • Say, Editrix. lemme run this up the flagpole and see if anyoned salutes…

    What if after Nov 7, you invited Ol Handsome Joe to guest post here?

  • I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump 'n' grind.

  • Does anyone know what time this nougaty cluster of fk starts? I want to be good and high by then.

    • snowpointsecret

      9PM if I'm not mistaken. Hopefully we'll have better news than last time…

      • OT: how d'ya like that *green* in your triple-digit pee?

    • 9 eastern, 8 central, 6 where our editrixes live.

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