Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

  naturally gassy

He's sweaty because it's humid in December thereThe oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.

It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it’s perfect for Florida.

Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) loves talking about making jobs so much that the Romney campaign reportedly asked him to please stop — the odds his administration would oppose fracking are about as good as the odds that it would instate crazy things like annual vehicle inspections: Zero, for freedom.

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

 
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Ah, whatever. The water’s full of feces anyway. See you in Disney World. [News-Press]

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124 comments

  1. EatsBabyDingos

    I'm okay with this. Flaming water leads to flaming lips, and that leads to Yoshimi battling pink robots.

      1. Tommmcatt_Again

        A bit. He won't start flaming until sometime after his death at the hand of several insane neo-nazis in the prision shower- next week or the week after, I'd imagine.

        After that point it's FLAME ON!

      1. actor212

        That's a separate republic, you know…

        But to answer your question, I've been to Key West a bunch of times, including the Pirate parade at division time for Mel Fisher's but never at Halloween.

        Trust me, I've been at bonfires that were less flame-y

  2. Toomush_Infer

    I don't care if it sinks, as long as they vote that fightin' Irish, light on his feet, Jooooooe Biiiiiden back in first…..Whatever kind of flaming water they're drinking on CNN, Biden trounced that slimy little shit last night!….

  3. actor212

    To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

    So, basically a day in Jersey, just with less clothing…

  4. PsycWench

    Oh come on, there are other states that would LOVE to have flaming water and here Florida has it for free!*

    *based on endless relatives comments when I complained about my overly curly hair as a child

  5. Goonemeritus

    The old’s down there need the excitement; the occasional exploding toilet gives the retirement home shut-ins something to talk about between Whist tournaments and the non-stop orgies.

    1. Cleos_Mom

      Planning on not getting old, are ya?

      Plenty of people in my own generation used to strike pious poses and quote that "it's better to burn out than it is to rust" but a certain sea change occurred — one the hair started getting gray and the sexier body parts started drooping, rust became a very appealing color.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    If I recall correctly from back in the 1970s, the walking catfish was going to render Florida uninhabitable. But it appears as though the Republicans beat that fish to the punch.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Hey, some people managed to survive Auschwitz, so the adaptability of humans seems to be almost boundless.

  7. SpiderCrab

    Fracking is a rape of the environment, so who better to oversee and manage a rape than Goverrnor Penishead?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    They should change the name of the state to South Georgia, except the Panhandle, which of course is already known as Alabama South.

  9. PsycWench

    No revenue of the state or any political subdivision or agency thereof shall ever be taken from the public treasury directly or indirectly in aid of any church, sect, or religious denomination or in aid of any sectarian institution is the phrase that is intended to be stricken from the Constitution. This confuses me. I spent two years in Florida and those people never wanted any money spent on anything, except maybe wheelchair ramps.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    Did anyone else just lose access to this thread for a few or ten minutes?

    Meanwhile I composed, or ripped off from one Mr. J. Prine, the following tribute to my momentarily-disappeared blog post's author:

    "Dear Abdill, Dear Abdill,
    You have no complaint
    You are when you are
    and you aint when you ain't…"

    1. no_gravity

      I got a page not found for about 30 minutes. I blame T. Boone Pickens and that my Florida IP address was banned.

  11. memzilla

    Because it's always a good idea to do hyperfracking in a place whose water table is fifteen inches below the surface. What could possibly go wrong?

      1. Toomush_Infer

        Nope – just remember when you made sand castles next to the water – the land will rise to its same silly height (up to a point)….

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, in 50 years there's not going to be much of FL left to frack. Frack 'em while you got 'em.

  12. LibertyLover

    Think of all the new party tricks you can do with flaming water? You can now Bar-B-Que in your sink, too.

  13. no_gravity

    I wonder if they've done any studies on removing too much water from the aquifer and the resultant sinkholes that are created by that action.

  14. memzilla

    Who knew the water filter manufacturers had lobbyists? Just don't smoke in the bathroom or laundry room.

  15. ElPinche

    I want my country back… to the Proterozoic period , methane and sulfur lakes, pre-photosynthesis, 50% oxygen , tar pits etc etc

  16. asterixaverni

    Dear sweet baby jebus, thank you for Floridia! That state makes the rest of the US look semi-normal!

  17. widestanceromance

    Imagine the freedom of lighting your cigs at the sink OR the stove, people. This is what true muscular freedom looks like!1!

  18. Dumbedup

    and let's not forget serial killers. Fact: Florida leads the country in serial murders. And zombie attacks.

  19. mavenmaven

    Great, a state in which the drinking water causes cancer voting down health care reform. Florida Mutants will soon be a thing.

  20. Will_Panic

    I grew up in Florida, and I can tell you that the tap water has always been undrinkable. Maybe a little fire might help it?

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Florida's already having sinkhole problems because it's sitting on porous limestone. Every so often one of these opens up and swallows someone's car or backyard or something — and now they'll have the added fun of having the sinkhole swallow their car and then burst into flame. Soon Florida will be so uninhabitable that we'll have to start importing Australians to live there.

  22. mrblifil

    Thank you. My daughter's giving us shit about not going to Disney World. I was going to take her to our local emergency room for the purposes of demonstrating to her the horrible underbelly of the White Privilege Society, and how all the things she enjoys and loves are usually derived in some way from the sufferings of the underclass. But I'll just have her read this instead. Also she's still allowed to watch Phineas and Ferb because sometimes I've got shit to do.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Speaking as a former Epcot employee, there's a lot more flaming around the Disney cast than just the tap water.

      1. Pithaughn

        Speaking as former DisneyLand employee, DLand is much more fabulous than Happy. And it is pretty goll darn happy. In fact Dland was the most sexually charged place I've e evvah worked.

  23. calliecallie

    It doesn't matter. The whole place will be underwater in a couple of decades anyway thanks to the melting glaciers and sea ice.

  24. BoroPrimorac

    We have a ballot measure where greedy, dumb fucks will give us prop 13 type legislation and finish fucking up the state for ever. Me? I'm moving to Portland or Seattle to see what it's like to live among civilized people.

  25. An_Outhouse

    Florida will be under water in a few years. I say go ahead and extract as many resources as possible.

  26. GeorgiaBurning

    Hurricanes, sinkholes, large carnivorous reptiles, teabaggers. Hard to see how fracking makes this place that much worse.

  27. fatbob54

    forget building a fence from the Gulf of Mexico to Pacific Ocean. It would be much easier to build a fence across Northern Florida. We could use the panhandle as a DMZ. Fence the idiocracy in and be done with it.

Comments are closed.