NATURALLY GASSY  10:00 am October 12, 2012

Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

by Rich Abdill

He's sweaty because it's humid in December thereThe oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.

It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it’s perfect for Florida.

Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) loves talking about making jobs so much that the Romney campaign reportedly asked him to please stop — the odds his administration would oppose fracking are about as good as the odds that it would instate crazy things like annual vehicle inspections: Zero, for freedom.

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

Ah, whatever. The water’s full of feces anyway. See you in Disney World. [News-Press]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 124 comments }

BornInATrailer October 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

How do you frack swamp and peat? There Will Be Mud?

EatsBabyDingos October 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

I'm okay with this. Flaming water leads to flaming lips, and that leads to Yoshimi battling pink robots.

mrblifil October 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

Biden was Yoshimi last night, fighting the evil-natured robots programmed to destroy us.

Dildeaux October 12, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Lets hope Ryan uses jelly.

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

You know who else couldn't tap something without flaming as a result?

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

The Birdcage?

OurHoboSenator October 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

Ted Haggard?

LibertyLover October 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

Liberace?

kyeshinka October 12, 2012 at 10:37 am

Bruce Jenner?

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

Sammy Davis Jr ?

memzilla October 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

Another reason to always have a wide stance.

glamourdammerung October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

Charlie Crist?

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

lol

el_donaldo October 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

I was scrolling down waiting for someone to hit that one, and there you go.

glamourdammerung October 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I was shocked no one did it before me to be honest.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

Michael Jackson for Pepsi?

jaytingle October 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

Adolph Coors?

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:50 am

Jerry Sandusky? Too soon?

Tommmcatt_Again October 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

A bit. He won't start flaming until sometime after his death at the hand of several insane neo-nazis in the prision shower- next week or the week after, I'd imagine.

After that point it's FLAME ON!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

Marcus Bachmann?

Esteev October 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

Mark Foley?

UnholyMoses October 12, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Richard Pryor?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Isn't it time for Hiaasen to write another book?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I think he'd probably tell you, since he lives in FL, they pretty much write themselves.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

So it won't just be South Beach that's flaming in Florida?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:21 am

Ever been to Key West at Halloween?

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

That's a separate republic, you know…

But to answer your question, I've been to Key West a bunch of times, including the Pirate parade at division time for Mel Fisher's but never at Halloween.

Trust me, I've been at bonfires that were less flame-y

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

What about the Burmese python problem?

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

Kill them with fire!

Dr_Zoidberg October 12, 2012 at 10:36 am

They're going to bring in gorillas to eat the pythons.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

The gorillas will do the python-slapping dance.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

Let them have sex with the African rock python.

Oh. They are already. Well, the hybrid will eat all the Burmese pythons, so no worries!

memzilla October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

Put them on a plane!

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

And don't spare the motherfuckin'.

bobbert October 12, 2012 at 9:17 pm

What problem?

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

It will, however, make it so convenient for baggers to heat up a cup of tea…

Toomush_Infer October 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

I don't care if it sinks, as long as they vote that fightin' Irish, light on his feet, Jooooooe Biiiiiden back in first…..Whatever kind of flaming water they're drinking on CNN, Biden trounced that slimy little shit last night!….

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

So, basically a day in Jersey, just with less clothing…

PsycWench October 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

Oh come on, there are other states that would LOVE to have flaming water and here Florida has it for free!*

*based on endless relatives comments when I complained about my overly curly hair as a child

Goonemeritus October 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

The old’s down there need the excitement; the occasional exploding toilet gives the retirement home shut-ins something to talk about between Whist tournaments and the non-stop orgies.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

Bingo!

Beowoof October 12, 2012 at 11:13 am

It is no longer called an orgy. It is Sunny Acres Viagara Festival.

Cleos_Mom October 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Planning on not getting old, are ya?

Plenty of people in my own generation used to strike pious poses and quote that "it's better to burn out than it is to rust" but a certain sea change occurred — one the hair started getting gray and the sexier body parts started drooping, rust became a very appealing color.

Pookums October 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

Couldn't happen to a nicer state. Seriously.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

If I recall correctly from back in the 1970s, the walking catfish was going to render Florida uninhabitable. But it appears as though the Republicans beat that fish to the punch.

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

Win.

anniegetyerfun October 12, 2012 at 10:40 am

Florida is inhabitable?

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

There are some levels of existence humans are willing to endure.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 11:04 am

Hey, some people managed to survive Auschwitz, so the adaptability of humans seems to be almost boundless.

memzilla October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

But it was delicious punch. Mmmm, fruity!

UnholyMoses October 12, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Needs moar (former) pet pythons released into the Everglades.

SpiderCrab October 12, 2012 at 10:16 am

Fracking is a rape of the environment, so who better to oversee and manage a rape than Goverrnor Penishead?

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:34 am

Yes, and it's so easy to rape a state when it's all flaccid and relaxed like Florida.

Dr_Zoidberg October 12, 2012 at 10:36 am

Some states are just easy to rape.

Dildeaux October 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Got yer pecker in a pickle, call the pros at 1-800-legitirape

anniegetyerfun October 12, 2012 at 10:39 am

Todd Akin? I mean, if we had to choose rapists.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:16 am

Say, that "Rich Abdill" at the Broward/Palm Beach link….any relation to the one at Wonkette?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:20 am

They should change the name of the state to South Georgia, except the Panhandle, which of course is already known as Alabama South.

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

LA. Lower Alabama.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

That's what I get for asking the guy from Alabama in the cube next to me.

bobbert October 12, 2012 at 9:19 pm

When I was living there, (when the earth was cooling), it was just known as the Alabama Coast.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:37 am

This is all a plan of that diabolical Lex Luthor wannabe, Gov. Rick Scott, to burn the coastline and make his swampland more valuable.

ManchuCandidate October 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

US Amercia's wang is going to suffer the agony of burning sensations combined with dirty discharge all because some guy can't make good decisions (Scott.)

It figures.

LibertyLover October 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

I think there is an ointment for that.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:47 am

Sodom and Gonorrhea.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

"all because some people can't make good decisions (Florida Electorate.)"

ftfy

anniegetyerfun October 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

Tell me that popcorn-flavored vodka is a thing.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

Done and done

asterixaverni October 12, 2012 at 10:48 am
eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:48 am

If it's got that godawful fake-butter in it, it'll kill ya.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

Yea, but you'll never know you're dead if you're drunk enough

el_donaldo October 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

There are reasons I'm proud to be a whiskey drinker.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

Hear, hear. McCallan 12 neat, please.

PsycWench October 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

No revenue of the state or any political subdivision or agency thereof shall ever be taken from the public treasury directly or indirectly in aid of any church, sect, or religious denomination or in aid of any sectarian institution is the phrase that is intended to be stricken from the Constitution. This confuses me. I spent two years in Florida and those people never wanted any money spent on anything, except maybe wheelchair ramps.

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2012 at 10:39 am

Did anyone else just lose access to this thread for a few or ten minutes?

Meanwhile I composed, or ripped off from one Mr. J. Prine, the following tribute to my momentarily-disappeared blog post's author:

"Dear Abdill, Dear Abdill,
You have no complaint
You are when you are
and you aint when you ain't…"

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

I did as well

no_gravity October 12, 2012 at 10:47 am

I got a page not found for about 30 minutes. I blame T. Boone Pickens and that my Florida IP address was banned.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:39 am

Frick and Frack will be disappointed.

no_gravity October 12, 2012 at 10:39 am

Let's hope they begin the fracking in Collier County in Rick Scott's back yard.

memzilla October 12, 2012 at 10:40 am

Because it's always a good idea to do hyperfracking in a place whose water table is fifteen inches below the surface. What could possibly go wrong?

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

If it's any consolation, Florida was doomed by rising sea levels anyway.

Toomush_Infer October 12, 2012 at 10:59 am

Nope – just remember when you made sand castles next to the water – the land will rise to its same silly height (up to a point)….

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Seriously, in 50 years there's not going to be much of FL left to frack. Frack 'em while you got 'em.

PsycWench October 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

You could toast marshmallows over flaming puddles. So there's that.

LibertyLover October 12, 2012 at 10:40 am

Think of all the new party tricks you can do with flaming water? You can now Bar-B-Que in your sink, too.

actor212 October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

And you can put out your water with a firehose!

LibertyLover October 12, 2012 at 11:09 am

Instant hot tub!

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 10:55 am

On the plus side, sterilized dishes.

no_gravity October 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

I wonder if they've done any studies on removing too much water from the aquifer and the resultant sinkholes that are created by that action.

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:54 am

More or your damned lies, straight from Satan!

bobbert October 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Sinkholes? In Florida? What a card you are.

James Michael Curley October 12, 2012 at 10:43 am

Don't forget the biggest Florida horror is now 30 years old – Epcot Center.

Cleos_Mom October 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Disney World is an even greater horror. It gave birth to all the rest.

memzilla October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

Who knew the water filter manufacturers had lobbyists? Just don't smoke in the bathroom or laundry room.

ElPinche October 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

I want my country back… to the Proterozoic period , methane and sulfur lakes, pre-photosynthesis, 50% oxygen , tar pits etc etc

asterixaverni October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

Dear sweet baby jebus, thank you for Floridia! That state makes the rest of the US look semi-normal!

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

"(R-Azkaban)" is a very nice touch.

thatsitfortheother1 October 12, 2012 at 10:48 am

Just so there's no discharge after all that drilling.

widestanceromance October 12, 2012 at 10:48 am

Imagine the freedom of lighting your cigs at the sink OR the stove, people. This is what true muscular freedom looks like!1!

Dumbedup October 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

and let's not forget serial killers. Fact: Florida leads the country in serial murders. And zombie attacks.

calliecallie October 12, 2012 at 11:09 am

The zombies will be back this Sunday. I can't wait.

PubOption October 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

It must be difficult to tell a zombie from a Florida old, at first sight.

mavenmaven October 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

Great, a state in which the drinking water causes cancer voting down health care reform. Florida Mutants will soon be a thing.

Will_Panic October 12, 2012 at 10:54 am

I grew up in Florida, and I can tell you that the tap water has always been undrinkable. Maybe a little fire might help it?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Do the Seminoles still call it 'firewater'?

(I'm going to Hell, aren't I?)

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2012 at 10:55 am

Florida's already having sinkhole problems because it's sitting on porous limestone. Every so often one of these opens up and swallows someone's car or backyard or something — and now they'll have the added fun of having the sinkhole swallow their car and then burst into flame. Soon Florida will be so uninhabitable that we'll have to start importing Australians to live there.

PsycWench October 12, 2012 at 10:58 am

"Flaming Limestone" would be a great name for a rock band, though.

eggsacklywright October 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

But only Australian criminals.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 12, 2012 at 10:56 am

What about the face-eating zombies?

mrblifil October 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

Thank you. My daughter's giving us shit about not going to Disney World. I was going to take her to our local emergency room for the purposes of demonstrating to her the horrible underbelly of the White Privilege Society, and how all the things she enjoys and loves are usually derived in some way from the sufferings of the underclass. But I'll just have her read this instead. Also she's still allowed to watch Phineas and Ferb because sometimes I've got shit to do.

winnyfranfran October 12, 2012 at 11:01 am

God, I loved that movie. Bastard from a basket! Bastard from a basket!

DerrickWildcat October 12, 2012 at 11:01 am

Florida is a geological disaster waiting to happen.
If they want to, "Bring it on!"
So be it.

LibertyLover October 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

It is a small world, after all.

Nostrildamus October 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Speaking as a former Epcot employee, there's a lot more flaming around the Disney cast than just the tap water.

Pithaughn October 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Speaking as former DisneyLand employee, DLand is much more fabulous than Happy. And it is pretty goll darn happy. In fact Dland was the most sexually charged place I've e evvah worked.

calliecallie October 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

It doesn't matter. The whole place will be underwater in a couple of decades anyway thanks to the melting glaciers and sea ice.

ttommyunger October 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

But would it be legitimate fire?

LibrarianX October 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

Don't old folks move to Florida for warmth? This sounds like a win-win…!

BoroPrimorac October 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

We have a ballot measure where greedy, dumb fucks will give us prop 13 type legislation and finish fucking up the state for ever. Me? I'm moving to Portland or Seattle to see what it's like to live among civilized people.

Pithaughn October 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Seattle has Jazz Alley and the San Juan islands and wild Orcas.

An_Outhouse October 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Florida will be under water in a few years. I say go ahead and extract as many resources as possible.

GeorgiaBurning October 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Hurricanes, sinkholes, large carnivorous reptiles, teabaggers. Hard to see how fracking makes this place that much worse.

fatbob54 October 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

forget building a fence from the Gulf of Mexico to Pacific Ocean. It would be much easier to build a fence across Northern Florida. We could use the panhandle as a DMZ. Fence the idiocracy in and be done with it.

Dildeaux October 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm

If this liquid is the firewater the natives speak oh so highly of, Im in!

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