He's sweaty because it's humid in December thereThe oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.

It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it’s perfect for Florida.

Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) loves talking about making jobs so much that the Romney campaign reportedly asked him to please stop — the odds his administration would oppose fracking are about as good as the odds that it would instate crazy things like annual vehicle inspections: Zero, for freedom.

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

Ah, whatever. The water’s full of feces anyway. See you in Disney World. [News-Press]

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  • BornInATrailer

    How do you frack swamp and peat? There Will Be Mud?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'm okay with this. Flaming water leads to flaming lips, and that leads to Yoshimi battling pink robots.

    • Biden was Yoshimi last night, fighting the evil-natured robots programmed to destroy us.

      • Dildeaux

        Lets hope Ryan uses jelly.

  • You know who else couldn't tap something without flaming as a result?

    • The Birdcage?

    • OurHoboSenator

      Ted Haggard?

    • LibertyLover


    • kyeshinka

      Bruce Jenner?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Sammy Davis Jr ?

    • memzilla

      Another reason to always have a wide stance.

    • glamourdammerung

      Charlie Crist?

      • thatsitfortheother1


      • el_donaldo

        I was scrolling down waiting for someone to hit that one, and there you go.

        • glamourdammerung

          I was shocked no one did it before me to be honest.

    • Michael Jackson for Pepsi?

    • jaytingle

      Adolph Coors?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Jerry Sandusky? Too soon?

      • Tommmcatt_Again

        A bit. He won't start flaming until sometime after his death at the hand of several insane neo-nazis in the prision shower- next week or the week after, I'd imagine.

        After that point it's FLAME ON!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Marcus Bachmann?

    • Esteev

      Mark Foley?

    • UnholyMoses

      Richard Pryor?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't it time for Hiaasen to write another book?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think he'd probably tell you, since he lives in FL, they pretty much write themselves.

  • So it won't just be South Beach that's flaming in Florida?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ever been to Key West at Halloween?

      • That's a separate republic, you know…

        But to answer your question, I've been to Key West a bunch of times, including the Pirate parade at division time for Mel Fisher's but never at Halloween.

        Trust me, I've been at bonfires that were less flame-y

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What about the Burmese python problem?

    • eggsacklywright

      Kill them with fire!

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      They're going to bring in gorillas to eat the pythons.

      • eggsacklywright

        The gorillas will do the python-slapping dance.

    • Let them have sex with the African rock python.

      Oh. They are already. Well, the hybrid will eat all the Burmese pythons, so no worries!

    • memzilla

      Put them on a plane!

      • eggsacklywright

        And don't spare the motherfuckin'.

    • bobbert

      What problem?

  • thatsitfortheother1

    It will, however, make it so convenient for baggers to heat up a cup of tea…

  • Toomush_Infer

    I don't care if it sinks, as long as they vote that fightin' Irish, light on his feet, Jooooooe Biiiiiden back in first…..Whatever kind of flaming water they're drinking on CNN, Biden trounced that slimy little shit last night!….

  • To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

    So, basically a day in Jersey, just with less clothing…

  • PsycWench

    Oh come on, there are other states that would LOVE to have flaming water and here Florida has it for free!*

    *based on endless relatives comments when I complained about my overly curly hair as a child

  • Goonemeritus

    The old’s down there need the excitement; the occasional exploding toilet gives the retirement home shut-ins something to talk about between Whist tournaments and the non-stop orgies.

    • eggsacklywright


    • Beowoof

      It is no longer called an orgy. It is Sunny Acres Viagara Festival.

    • Cleos_Mom

      Planning on not getting old, are ya?

      Plenty of people in my own generation used to strike pious poses and quote that "it's better to burn out than it is to rust" but a certain sea change occurred — one the hair started getting gray and the sexier body parts started drooping, rust became a very appealing color.

  • Pookums

    Couldn't happen to a nicer state. Seriously.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If I recall correctly from back in the 1970s, the walking catfish was going to render Florida uninhabitable. But it appears as though the Republicans beat that fish to the punch.

    • thatsitfortheother1


    • anniegetyerfun

      Florida is inhabitable?

      • There are some levels of existence humans are willing to endure.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hey, some people managed to survive Auschwitz, so the adaptability of humans seems to be almost boundless.

    • memzilla

      But it was delicious punch. Mmmm, fruity!

    • UnholyMoses

      Needs moar (former) pet pythons released into the Everglades.

  • SpiderCrab

    Fracking is a rape of the environment, so who better to oversee and manage a rape than Goverrnor Penishead?

    • Yes, and it's so easy to rape a state when it's all flaccid and relaxed like Florida.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        Some states are just easy to rape.

        • Dildeaux

          Got yer pecker in a pickle, call the pros at 1-800-legitirape

    • anniegetyerfun

      Todd Akin? I mean, if we had to choose rapists.

  • Say, that "Rich Abdill" at the Broward/Palm Beach link….any relation to the one at Wonkette?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should change the name of the state to South Georgia, except the Panhandle, which of course is already known as Alabama South.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      LA. Lower Alabama.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's what I get for asking the guy from Alabama in the cube next to me.

        • bobbert

          When I was living there, (when the earth was cooling), it was just known as the Alabama Coast.

  • This is all a plan of that diabolical Lex Luthor wannabe, Gov. Rick Scott, to burn the coastline and make his swampland more valuable.

  • US Amercia's wang is going to suffer the agony of burning sensations combined with dirty discharge all because some guy can't make good decisions (Scott.)

    It figures.

    • LibertyLover

      I think there is an ointment for that.

    • eggsacklywright

      Sodom and Gonorrhea.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "all because some people can't make good decisions (Florida Electorate.)"


  • anniegetyerfun

    Tell me that popcorn-flavored vodka is a thing.

  • PsycWench

    No revenue of the state or any political subdivision or agency thereof shall ever be taken from the public treasury directly or indirectly in aid of any church, sect, or religious denomination or in aid of any sectarian institution is the phrase that is intended to be stricken from the Constitution. This confuses me. I spent two years in Florida and those people never wanted any money spent on anything, except maybe wheelchair ramps.

  • Did anyone else just lose access to this thread for a few or ten minutes?

    Meanwhile I composed, or ripped off from one Mr. J. Prine, the following tribute to my momentarily-disappeared blog post's author:

    "Dear Abdill, Dear Abdill,
    You have no complaint
    You are when you are
    and you aint when you ain't…"

    • I did as well

    • no_gravity

      I got a page not found for about 30 minutes. I blame T. Boone Pickens and that my Florida IP address was banned.

  • eggsacklywright

    Frick and Frack will be disappointed.

  • no_gravity

    Let's hope they begin the fracking in Collier County in Rick Scott's back yard.

  • memzilla

    Because it's always a good idea to do hyperfracking in a place whose water table is fifteen inches below the surface. What could possibly go wrong?

    • If it's any consolation, Florida was doomed by rising sea levels anyway.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Nope – just remember when you made sand castles next to the water – the land will rise to its same silly height (up to a point)….

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, in 50 years there's not going to be much of FL left to frack. Frack 'em while you got 'em.

    • PsycWench

      You could toast marshmallows over flaming puddles. So there's that.

  • LibertyLover

    Think of all the new party tricks you can do with flaming water? You can now Bar-B-Que in your sink, too.

    • And you can put out your water with a firehose!

      • LibertyLover

        Instant hot tub!

    • eggsacklywright

      On the plus side, sterilized dishes.

  • no_gravity

    I wonder if they've done any studies on removing too much water from the aquifer and the resultant sinkholes that are created by that action.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      More or your damned lies, straight from Satan!

    • bobbert

      Sinkholes? In Florida? What a card you are.

  • James Michael Curley

    Don't forget the biggest Florida horror is now 30 years old – Epcot Center.

    • Cleos_Mom

      Disney World is an even greater horror. It gave birth to all the rest.

  • memzilla

    Who knew the water filter manufacturers had lobbyists? Just don't smoke in the bathroom or laundry room.

  • ElPinche

    I want my country back… to the Proterozoic period , methane and sulfur lakes, pre-photosynthesis, 50% oxygen , tar pits etc etc

  • asterixaverni

    Dear sweet baby jebus, thank you for Floridia! That state makes the rest of the US look semi-normal!

  • Doktor Zoom

    "(R-Azkaban)" is a very nice touch.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    Just so there's no discharge after all that drilling.

  • widestanceromance

    Imagine the freedom of lighting your cigs at the sink OR the stove, people. This is what true muscular freedom looks like!1!

  • Dumbedup

    and let's not forget serial killers. Fact: Florida leads the country in serial murders. And zombie attacks.

    • calliecallie

      The zombies will be back this Sunday. I can't wait.

    • PubOption

      It must be difficult to tell a zombie from a Florida old, at first sight.

  • mavenmaven

    Great, a state in which the drinking water causes cancer voting down health care reform. Florida Mutants will soon be a thing.

  • Will_Panic

    I grew up in Florida, and I can tell you that the tap water has always been undrinkable. Maybe a little fire might help it?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Do the Seminoles still call it 'firewater'?

      (I'm going to Hell, aren't I?)

  • Florida's already having sinkhole problems because it's sitting on porous limestone. Every so often one of these opens up and swallows someone's car or backyard or something — and now they'll have the added fun of having the sinkhole swallow their car and then burst into flame. Soon Florida will be so uninhabitable that we'll have to start importing Australians to live there.

    • PsycWench

      "Flaming Limestone" would be a great name for a rock band, though.

    • eggsacklywright

      But only Australian criminals.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What about the face-eating zombies?

  • Thank you. My daughter's giving us shit about not going to Disney World. I was going to take her to our local emergency room for the purposes of demonstrating to her the horrible underbelly of the White Privilege Society, and how all the things she enjoys and loves are usually derived in some way from the sufferings of the underclass. But I'll just have her read this instead. Also she's still allowed to watch Phineas and Ferb because sometimes I've got shit to do.

  • winnyfranfran

    God, I loved that movie. Bastard from a basket! Bastard from a basket!

  • Florida is a geological disaster waiting to happen.
    If they want to, "Bring it on!"
    So be it.

  • LibertyLover

    It is a small world, after all.

    • Nostrildamus

      Speaking as a former Epcot employee, there's a lot more flaming around the Disney cast than just the tap water.

      • Pithaughn

        Speaking as former DisneyLand employee, DLand is much more fabulous than Happy. And it is pretty goll darn happy. In fact Dland was the most sexually charged place I've e evvah worked.

  • calliecallie

    It doesn't matter. The whole place will be underwater in a couple of decades anyway thanks to the melting glaciers and sea ice.

  • ttommyunger

    But would it be legitimate fire?

  • LibrarianX

    Don't old folks move to Florida for warmth? This sounds like a win-win…!

  • BoroPrimorac

    We have a ballot measure where greedy, dumb fucks will give us prop 13 type legislation and finish fucking up the state for ever. Me? I'm moving to Portland or Seattle to see what it's like to live among civilized people.

    • Pithaughn

      Seattle has Jazz Alley and the San Juan islands and wild Orcas.

  • An_Outhouse

    Florida will be under water in a few years. I say go ahead and extract as many resources as possible.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Hurricanes, sinkholes, large carnivorous reptiles, teabaggers. Hard to see how fracking makes this place that much worse.

  • fatbob54

    forget building a fence from the Gulf of Mexico to Pacific Ocean. It would be much easier to build a fence across Northern Florida. We could use the panhandle as a DMZ. Fence the idiocracy in and be done with it.

  • Dildeaux

    If this liquid is the firewater the natives speak oh so highly of, Im in!

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