what's the matter with not doocy?

You Guys, We Are Starting To Worry About Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade

First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong!

What could be the deal with Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one, who always seems to give off the scent of date rape? Here are some ideas!

  • He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living! (Also, he will end up best friends with a wisecracking pre-teen of color.)
  • Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth.
  • There is some shit he will not eat. Haha just kidding, of course there isn’t.
  • Fox is testing how its audience would respond if they decided to actually grow into a real live news outlet.
  • Ghost of Christmas Future.
  • Wants some Shep Smith-style Maddow love.
  • Body-snatched.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  1. gullywompr

    Maybe roasting tiny marshmallows with a plastic spoon released some gasses that altered his brain chemistry.

  2. Barbara_

    "Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth." -IN BED!
    He has to fess up and tell Bill O'Reilly that hey, he's not that great of a lover.

    1. Isyaignert

      "Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." Actual line from Bill O'Liley's porno book (involving an underage girl). Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

  3. Doktor Zoom

    I bet he might even adopt that "wise-cracking pre-teen of color," after the kid's irresponsible parents are executed!

    That could even make for a hit sitcom of some sort, maybe.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Someone(hippie chick) unlocked the parental control on all his non-Fox tevee channels,…and the lame-stream truth he has witnessed, has been to much for him.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think this is it … it must be exhausting maintaining that Faux News faux outrage 24/7. And the level of willful stupidity and/or ignorance they require probably doesn't come naturally to him, so that must also get tiring after a while.

      His expression clearly says, "Oh for fuck's sake, Doocy. Really?"

    1. LibertyLover

      There was the first lady fighter pilot that she interviewed last night on Frontline…but I'm not sure….

  4. Boojum

    He must have actually listened to the stupid coming out of the mouth of the guy who looks like he diddles children and was embarrassed by it. I mean, he and the token woman both looked sheepish, so maybe there are some limits.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Of course he doesn't think it matters, because no matter what, Kilmeade knows that Ryan is going to mop the floor with Big Joe. Well, that's how they're going to report it, anyway.

    1. actor212

      *snapping fingers*

      That's IT!

      THAT'S why Obama deliberately underperformed at the debate last week!

      Kilmeade sent him a mash note and said "If you truly love me, you'll throw the debate"! Genius! Sheer genius!

  6. el_donaldo

    In the company of dicks, uber-dicks suddenly break ranks on random issues so they can be dicks to the whole company of dicks. That's all. Being reasonable on a couple issues makes him actually even more of a waste of meatbag.

  7. PsycWench

    Maybe he had a heart-to-heart talk with John Roberts about how you have to think about those history books.

  8. LibertyLover

    Here's a bit of trivia for ya… but it doesn't matter because, like, you know, it's TRIVIA.
    But we're Fox "News" so we are trying to make it seem like it does matter while seeming like it doesn't…

    1. actor212

      You make those sound like a bad thing. I'm thinking it's a featured bennie mentioned in the second interview.

      "Your salary is commensurate with experience, of course, but did I mention the genital shock collar?"

  9. MistaEko

    This happens every 4 years. The Political Cicada releases from its cocoon and feasts on brain parasites of one and only one host. See Shep Smith. In fact, by 2056, their prime time line up is slated to clean up at the Murrow Awards.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one"

    Man, another half-inch closer together and he'd be a fucking cyclops.

  11. SorosBot

    "He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living!"

    Now how can you describe the Manic Pixie Dream Girl genre to a T without actually mentioning the name?

  12. Ruhe

    In the business it's referred to as OVM or Objectivity Veneer Maintenance. You take a fairly obvious position on a fairly innocuous topic so that you can build some small amount of credibility with people who value rationality. It's a rope-a-dope move so don't fall for it.

  13. actor212

    Say, has anyone else noticed how, after her "run-in" in Tampa, Editrix stopped picking on Doocy and amped up the NotDoocy and DumbHornyBlonde pieces?

  14. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Today (and every day) Steve Doocy is everyone's dipshit uncle who is convinced everyone's out to get him.

  15. StillGoinGreen

    I really don't remember what he said, but did you get a fuckin look at those eyebrows? Dude, put the tweezers down and BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!

  16. James Michael Curley

    So I've been working the last couple days and falling short on my nutcase news stories. There is some kind of scandal about Obama attending Martha Radich's wedding? Did hit hit on the maid of honor?

  17. lulzmonger

    When your damage control needs its own damage control, perhaps you should ask your doctor if just calling in sick & fapping all day instead is right for you.

  18. ChrisM2011

    If Brian's eyes get any closer together, the man will be a cyclops. And then I might have to start watching.

  19. rickmaci

    I read the first few words of the first line of the first idea as "boning a Dixie chick" and I'm thinking, "damn, he's going to get fired by Faux"

  20. jamesz21

    I'm withholding judgement until Orly Taitz completes her investigation of this emerging scandal. I think we need to demand a copy of the wedding invitation – it's only been 20 years so if they can't produce it then that alone is evidence that a conspiracyis afoot. This is further proof that Lehrer was a better moderator – he never gets invited to anyone's wedding.

  21. mosjef

    He must have gotten the wrong forecast from self-appointed "Weather Guy" Skeve Douchey, cause Brian hung him out in the rain on this one. Douchey was all a-twitter about his little secret and the other two mutants just let all the barometric pressure out of Douchey's fun reveal. I predict Skevey puts pubes in the guys make up in the morning. How does this Skevey Douchey anal pore have a job? Maybe he can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

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