WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH NOT DOOCY?  1:16 pm October 11, 2012

You Guys, We Are Starting To Worry About Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade

by Rebecca Schoenkopf


First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong!

What could be the deal with Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one, who always seems to give off the scent of date rape? Here are some ideas!

  • He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living! (Also, he will end up best friends with a wisecracking pre-teen of color.)
  • Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth.
  • There is some shit he will not eat. Haha just kidding, of course there isn’t.
  • Fox is testing how its audience would respond if they decided to actually grow into a real live news outlet.
  • Ghost of Christmas Future.
  • Wants some Shep Smith-style Maddow love.
  • Body-snatched.

[MediaMatters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 118 comments }

helefink October 11, 2012 at 1:19 pm

You sing of Olaf glad and big!

prommie October 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I speak of the spear-danes!

karlamarx October 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

(my favorite e.e. cummings poem!)

bibliotequetress October 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

whose warmest heart recoiled at war? Nah, not Fox

BerkeleyBear October 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

If just randomly not lying were enough to get some Maddow love, I'd be all over it.

gullywompr October 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Maybe roasting tiny marshmallows with a plastic spoon released some gasses that altered his brain chemistry.

rickmaci October 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

When the spoon ignited he saw his life flash before his eyes and it was all no bueno?

Barbara_ October 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth." -IN BED!
He has to fess up and tell Bill O'Reilly that hey, he's not that great of a lover.

Boojum October 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Don't you think Bill has found that out by now?

Spurning Beer October 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

It's spelled "loofa," Barb.

Isyaignert October 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." Actual line from Bill O'Liley's porno book (involving an underage girl). Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Pragmatist2 October 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

He's planning to get married next Spring and wants to invite the President?

barto October 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Prayer circle, people, STAT!

FNMA October 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Another explanation: They certainly are doing wonderful things with pharmaceuticals these days.

Doktor Zoom October 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I bet he might even adopt that "wise-cracking pre-teen of color," after the kid's irresponsible parents are executed!

That could even make for a hit sitcom of some sort, maybe.

ManchuCandidate October 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Whatchyu talking 'bout Zoomie?

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The Fresh Dunce Of Dead Air?

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I'd like to place an order for a dozen bottles of whatever you took today, please.

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Thank you, Sir!

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Well, there's already been one called "Leave It To Beaver" so….

Isyaignert October 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Loofin' the Beaver?

Rosie_Scenario October 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

And now that Alex Karras is gone, we could use a sitcom like "Webster." What? Too soon?

Boojum October 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I read "First Tucker Carlson" as "Fist Fucker Carlson", which sounds more accurate.

bibliotequetress October 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Is that what he's forming a group for?

rickmaci October 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Fucker KKKarlson libel.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

He has lost the will to be stupid. It happens.

kittensdontlie October 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Someone(hippie chick) unlocked the parental control on all his non-Fox tevee channels,…and the lame-stream truth he has witnessed, has been to much for him.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 11, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I think this is it … it must be exhausting maintaining that Faux News faux outrage 24/7. And the level of willful stupidity and/or ignorance they require probably doesn't come naturally to him, so that must also get tiring after a while.

His expression clearly says, "Oh for fuck's sake, Doocy. Really?"

ManchuCandidate October 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

His conscience grew three sizes that day.

Jus_Wonderin October 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I wouldn't touch him with a 39 1/2 foot pole.

PsycWench October 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Got a terminal diagnosis like Lee Atwater.

no_gravity October 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

From the looks of him in that video thumb I would guess smoking opium, or taking Quaaludes.

BadKitty904 October 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"or"?

prommie October 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Quaaludes? Did I hear someone say quaaludes?

coolhandnuke October 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm

He's just cooking his six degrees of Kevin Bacon a bit longer each morning.

BeefHardcake October 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Waitaminute, Not Steve Doocy has a name now?

Esteev October 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

What's a "Steve Doocy"?

Jus_Wonderin October 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Those take two flushes.

4TheTurnstiles October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Thanks, mang. That put "the stallion part 2" in my head, likely for the rest of the day.

alteredimages October 11, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Hey dude, he's the Stallion!

An_Outhouse October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Is there a military member who hasn't fucked Martha Raddatz?

Toomush_Infer October 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I believe, in English, that would be a "military member THAT…"

An_Outhouse October 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

are you insinuating that I speak English?

LibertyLover October 11, 2012 at 1:35 pm

There was the first lady fighter pilot that she interviewed last night on Frontline…but I'm not sure….

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:46 pm

heh heh….you said "member"…heh heh

Boojum October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

He must have actually listened to the stupid coming out of the mouth of the guy who looks like he diddles children and was embarrassed by it. I mean, he and the token woman both looked sheepish, so maybe there are some limits.

mille derps October 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Sheepish or SHEEPLISH?

Callyson October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

The medical marijuana finally kicked in.

BaldarTFlagass October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Of course he doesn't think it matters, because no matter what, Kilmeade knows that Ryan is going to mop the floor with Big Joe. Well, that's how they're going to report it, anyway.

SexySmurf October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Obviously, Obama go to him, but how?

But how?

no_gravity October 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

By singing Al Green to him.

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm

*snapping fingers*

That's IT!

THAT'S why Obama deliberately underperformed at the debate last week!

Kilmeade sent him a mash note and said "If you truly love me, you'll throw the debate"! Genius! Sheer genius!

el_donaldo October 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

In the company of dicks, uber-dicks suddenly break ranks on random issues so they can be dicks to the whole company of dicks. That's all. Being reasonable on a couple issues makes him actually even more of a waste of meatbag.

Blueb4sinrise October 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I think ya got it.

Esteev October 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

How else are we supposed to get a book deal?

Lascauxcaveman October 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Explains Glenn Beck splitting up with his sugar daddy Murdoch.

Joshua Norton October 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

He's obviously timing his meds better.

PsycWench October 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Maybe he had a heart-to-heart talk with John Roberts about how you have to think about those history books.

BaldarTFlagass October 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Three more choices and this could have been a Letterman top ten list.

chascates October 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Caught Bill O'Reilly giving him a flirty look.

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Is he bone-gaunt and wearing whore-wedges?!

weejee October 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Whoribly so.

Esteev October 11, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Concussions are a serious medical condition, you guys.

Toomush_Infer October 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He just read the script – it's called "tension"….

LibertyLover October 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Here's a bit of trivia for ya… but it doesn't matter because, like, you know, it's TRIVIA.
But we're Fox "News" so we are trying to make it seem like it does matter while seeming like it doesn't…

BaldarTFlagass October 11, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Time for an intervention.

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

He wants an invite to her divorce, silly.

Radiotherapy October 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

MSNBC pays more?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 11, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Perhaps after all these years of being second banana to il Doocey and Carlson, he is just feeling suicidal?

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 1:40 pm

The FOX minions have figure out a way to disable their Genital Shock Collars!!

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You make those sound like a bad thing. I'm thinking it's a featured bennie mentioned in the second interview.

"Your salary is commensurate with experience, of course, but did I mention the genital shock collar?"

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Your voltage may vary.

MistaEko October 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

This happens every 4 years. The Political Cicada releases from its cocoon and feasts on brain parasites of one and only one host. See Shep Smith. In fact, by 2056, their prime time line up is slated to clean up at the Murrow Awards.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I think I should point out that even stoned out hippy chicks have some standards.

prommie October 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I have learned that they can be quite demanding, too.

gullywompr October 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Not stoned enough. Increase the dosage.

TootsStansbury October 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm

A small tear has developed in the fabric of bizarrouniverse.

BaldarTFlagass October 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm

"Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one"

Man, another half-inch closer together and he'd be a fucking cyclops.

SorosBot October 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm

"He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living!"

Now how can you describe the Manic Pixie Dream Girl genre to a T without actually mentioning the name?

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

You do realize this is the plot for "Love Story" starring Al and Tipper Gore, right?

mille derps October 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

And they didn't even mention Carole Lombard? What kind of a list is that?

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Or Lillian Gish!

fatbob54 October 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Or Ann Curry on "The Today Show"

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

There was a character like that in that Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" as well, but you probably avoided it like the plague due to Oldz.

BaldarTFlagass October 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm

More important, what did she and Bamz give each other for wedding gifts?

Ruhe October 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

In the business it's referred to as OVM or Objectivity Veneer Maintenance. You take a fairly obvious position on a fairly innocuous topic so that you can build some small amount of credibility with people who value rationality. It's a rope-a-dope move so don't fall for it.

Chet Kincaid_ October 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

He doesn't have a trowel big enough to patch up his Objectivity.

Disassembly October 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Barack Obama was at my Muslim bar mitzvah.

MosesInvests October 11, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Muslim bar mitzvah is circumcision-which must hurt like hell at age 13.

Esteev October 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I wonder how many Fox viewers' heads exploded when a conflicting idea entered their brains.

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

In fairness, they might just think they're ears popped a little.

Esteev October 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"This red shit doesn't taste like jam…"

actor212 October 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Say, has anyone else noticed how, after her "run-in" in Tampa, Editrix stopped picking on Doocy and amped up the NotDoocy and DumbHornyBlonde pieces?

Mumbletypeg October 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Extemporanus October 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Mumbletypeg October 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I think I bit my tongue off.

Radiotherapy October 11, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Stouffer's Heat and Eat

CapnFatback October 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

You guys!

not that Dewey October 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

You don't use words like that.

Mumbletypeg October 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"I stopped the thought before its drip became insistent"

Radiotherapy October 11, 2012 at 2:33 pm

How do you do that?
Moanitors.
Scanners live in vein.

CapnFatback October 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

OOOO! Group hug!

Radiotherapy October 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Pinterest is banned at work.

hagajim October 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

He was told he had to by the fair and balanced one among the unbalanced.

StealthMuslin October 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Pfff! Total "Good Douche/Bad Douche."

1stNewtontheMoon October 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Today (and every day) Steve Doocy is everyone's dipshit uncle who is convinced everyone's out to get him.

StillGoinGreen October 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I really don't remember what he said, but did you get a fuckin look at those eyebrows? Dude, put the tweezers down and BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!

fuflans October 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Brian Kilmeade knows the truth about obama's wedding ring.

James Michael Curley October 11, 2012 at 2:33 pm

So I've been working the last couple days and falling short on my nutcase news stories. There is some kind of scandal about Obama attending Martha Radich's wedding? Did hit hit on the maid of honor?

lulzmonger October 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

When your damage control needs its own damage control, perhaps you should ask your doctor if just calling in sick & fapping all day instead is right for you.

ChrisM2011 October 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

If Brian's eyes get any closer together, the man will be a cyclops. And then I might have to start watching.

Fox n Fiends October 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

He's just offshored all his money and doesn't care who wins the election.

Gleem McShineys October 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

The Gawker FOXNews mole, remember?

IT'S BRIAN KILMEADE!!

MinAgain October 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Never fear. I'm sure he'll get a booster shot of conservati-serum with his next paycheck.

rickmaci October 11, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I read the first few words of the first line of the first idea as "boning a Dixie chick" and I'm thinking, "damn, he's going to get fired by Faux"

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2012 at 1:44 am

Well, that is what they always tell me.

jamesz21 October 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

I'm withholding judgement until Orly Taitz completes her investigation of this emerging scandal. I think we need to demand a copy of the wedding invitation – it's only been 20 years so if they can't produce it then that alone is evidence that a conspiracyis afoot. This is further proof that Lehrer was a better moderator – he never gets invited to anyone's wedding.

mosjef October 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm

He must have gotten the wrong forecast from self-appointed "Weather Guy" Skeve Douchey, cause Brian hung him out in the rain on this one. Douchey was all a-twitter about his little secret and the other two mutants just let all the barometric pressure out of Douchey's fun reveal. I predict Skevey puts pubes in the guys make up in the morning. How does this Skevey Douchey anal pore have a job? Maybe he can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

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