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First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong!

What could be the deal with Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one, who always seems to give off the scent of date rape? Here are some ideas!

  • He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living! (Also, he will end up best friends with a wisecracking pre-teen of color.)
  • Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth.
  • There is some shit he will not eat. Haha just kidding, of course there isn’t.
  • Fox is testing how its audience would respond if they decided to actually grow into a real live news outlet.
  • Ghost of Christmas Future.
  • Wants some Shep Smith-style Maddow love.
  • Body-snatched.


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