First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong!
What could be the deal with Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one, who always seems to give off the scent of date rape? Here are some ideas!
- He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living! (Also, he will end up best friends with a wisecracking pre-teen of color.)
- Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth.
- There is some shit he will not eat. Haha just kidding, of course there isn’t.
- Fox is testing how its audience would respond if they decided to actually grow into a real live news outlet.
- Ghost of Christmas Future.
- Wants some Shep Smith-style Maddow love.
- Body-snatched.
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You sing of Olaf glad and big!
I speak of the spear-danes!
(my favorite e.e. cummings poem!)
whose warmest heart recoiled at war? Nah, not Fox
If just randomly not lying were enough to get some Maddow love, I'd be all over it.
Maybe roasting tiny marshmallows with a plastic spoon released some gasses that altered his brain chemistry.
When the spoon ignited he saw his life flash before his eyes and it was all no bueno?
"Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth." -IN BED!
He has to fess up and tell Bill O'Reilly that hey, he's not that great of a lover.
Don't you think Bill has found that out by now?
It's spelled "loofa," Barb.
"Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." Actual line from Bill O'Liley's porno book (involving an underage girl). Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
He's planning to get married next Spring and wants to invite the President?
Prayer circle, people, STAT!
Another explanation: They certainly are doing wonderful things with pharmaceuticals these days.
I bet he might even adopt that "wise-cracking pre-teen of color," after the kid's irresponsible parents are executed!
That could even make for a hit sitcom of some sort, maybe.
Whatchyu talking 'bout Zoomie?
The Fresh Dunce Of Dead Air?
I'd like to place an order for a dozen bottles of whatever you took today, please.
Thank you, Sir!
Well, there's already been one called "Leave It To Beaver" so….
Loofin' the Beaver?
And now that Alex Karras is gone, we could use a sitcom like "Webster." What? Too soon?
I read "First Tucker Carlson" as "Fist Fucker Carlson", which sounds more accurate.
Is that what he's forming a group for?
Fucker KKKarlson libel.
He has lost the will to be stupid. It happens.
Someone(hippie chick) unlocked the parental control on all his non-Fox tevee channels,…and the lame-stream truth he has witnessed, has been to much for him.
I think this is it … it must be exhausting maintaining that Faux News faux outrage 24/7. And the level of willful stupidity and/or ignorance they require probably doesn't come naturally to him, so that must also get tiring after a while.
His expression clearly says, "Oh for fuck's sake, Doocy. Really?"
His conscience grew three sizes that day.
I wouldn't touch him with a 39 1/2 foot pole.
Got a terminal diagnosis like Lee Atwater.
From the looks of him in that video thumb I would guess smoking opium, or taking Quaaludes.
"or"?
Quaaludes? Did I hear someone say quaaludes?
He's just cooking his six degrees of Kevin Bacon a bit longer each morning.
Waitaminute, Not Steve Doocy has a name now?
What's a "Steve Doocy"?
Those take two flushes.
Thanks, mang. That put "the stallion part 2" in my head, likely for the rest of the day.
Hey dude, he's the Stallion!
Is there a military member who hasn't fucked Martha Raddatz?
I believe, in English, that would be a "military member THAT…"
are you insinuating that I speak English?
There was the first lady fighter pilot that she interviewed last night on Frontline…but I'm not sure….
heh heh….you said "member"…heh heh
He must have actually listened to the stupid coming out of the mouth of the guy who looks like he diddles children and was embarrassed by it. I mean, he and the token woman both looked sheepish, so maybe there are some limits.
Sheepish or SHEEPLISH?
The medical marijuana finally kicked in.
Of course he doesn't think it matters, because no matter what, Kilmeade knows that Ryan is going to mop the floor with Big Joe. Well, that's how they're going to report it, anyway.
Obviously, Obama go to him, but how?
But how?
By singing Al Green to him.
*snapping fingers*
That's IT!
THAT'S why Obama deliberately underperformed at the debate last week!
Kilmeade sent him a mash note and said "If you truly love me, you'll throw the debate"! Genius! Sheer genius!
In the company of dicks, uber-dicks suddenly break ranks on random issues so they can be dicks to the whole company of dicks. That's all. Being reasonable on a couple issues makes him actually even more of a waste of meatbag.
I think ya got it.
How else are we supposed to get a book deal?
Explains Glenn Beck splitting up with his sugar daddy Murdoch.
He's obviously timing his meds better.
Maybe he had a heart-to-heart talk with John Roberts about how you have to think about those history books.
Three more choices and this could have been a Letterman top ten list.
Caught Bill O'Reilly giving him a flirty look.
Is he bone-gaunt and wearing whore-wedges?!
Whoribly so.
Concussions are a serious medical condition, you guys.
He just read the script – it's called "tension"….
Here's a bit of trivia for ya… but it doesn't matter because, like, you know, it's TRIVIA.
But we're Fox "News" so we are trying to make it seem like it does matter while seeming like it doesn't…
Time for an intervention.
He wants an invite to her divorce, silly.
MSNBC pays more?
Perhaps after all these years of being second banana to il Doocey and Carlson, he is just feeling suicidal?
The FOX minions have figure out a way to disable their Genital Shock Collars!!
You make those sound like a bad thing. I'm thinking it's a featured bennie mentioned in the second interview.
"Your salary is commensurate with experience, of course, but did I mention the genital shock collar?"
Your voltage may vary.
This happens every 4 years. The Political Cicada releases from its cocoon and feasts on brain parasites of one and only one host. See Shep Smith. In fact, by 2056, their prime time line up is slated to clean up at the Murrow Awards.
I think I should point out that even stoned out hippy chicks have some standards.
I have learned that they can be quite demanding, too.
Not stoned enough. Increase the dosage.
A small tear has developed in the fabric of bizarrouniverse.
"Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one"
Man, another half-inch closer together and he'd be a fucking cyclops.
"He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living!"
Now how can you describe the Manic Pixie Dream Girl genre to a T without actually mentioning the name?
You do realize this is the plot for "Love Story" starring Al and Tipper Gore, right?
And they didn't even mention Carole Lombard? What kind of a list is that?
Or Lillian Gish!
Or Ann Curry on "The Today Show"
There was a character like that in that Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" as well, but you probably avoided it like the plague due to Oldz.
More important, what did she and Bamz give each other for wedding gifts?
In the business it's referred to as OVM or Objectivity Veneer Maintenance. You take a fairly obvious position on a fairly innocuous topic so that you can build some small amount of credibility with people who value rationality. It's a rope-a-dope move so don't fall for it.
He doesn't have a trowel big enough to patch up his Objectivity.
Barack Obama was at my Muslim bar mitzvah.
Muslim bar mitzvah is circumcision-which must hurt like hell at age 13.
I wonder how many Fox viewers' heads exploded when a conflicting idea entered their brains.
In fairness, they might just think they're ears popped a little.
"This red shit doesn't taste like jam…"
Say, has anyone else noticed how, after her "run-in" in Tampa, Editrix stopped picking on Doocy and amped up the NotDoocy and DumbHornyBlonde pieces?
…IN BED!
I think I bit my tongue off.
Stouffer's Heat and Eat
You guys!
You don't use words like that.
"I stopped the thought before its drip became insistent" ♫
How do you do that?
Moanitors.
Scanners live in vein.
OOOO! Group hug!
Pinterest is banned at work.
He was told he had to by the fair and balanced one among the unbalanced.
Pfff! Total "Good Douche/Bad Douche."
Today (and every day) Steve Doocy is everyone's dipshit uncle who is convinced everyone's out to get him.
I really don't remember what he said, but did you get a fuckin look at those eyebrows? Dude, put the tweezers down and BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!
Brian Kilmeade knows the truth about obama's wedding ring.
So I've been working the last couple days and falling short on my nutcase news stories. There is some kind of scandal about Obama attending Martha Radich's wedding? Did hit hit on the maid of honor?
When your damage control needs its own damage control, perhaps you should ask your doctor if just calling in sick & fapping all day instead is right for you.
If Brian's eyes get any closer together, the man will be a cyclops. And then I might have to start watching.
He's just offshored all his money and doesn't care who wins the election.
The Gawker FOXNews mole, remember?
IT'S BRIAN KILMEADE!!
Never fear. I'm sure he'll get a booster shot of conservati-serum with his next paycheck.
I read the first few words of the first line of the first idea as "boning a Dixie chick" and I'm thinking, "damn, he's going to get fired by Faux"
Well, that is what they always tell me.
I'm withholding judgement until Orly Taitz completes her investigation of this emerging scandal. I think we need to demand a copy of the wedding invitation – it's only been 20 years so if they can't produce it then that alone is evidence that a conspiracyis afoot. This is further proof that Lehrer was a better moderator – he never gets invited to anyone's wedding.
He must have gotten the wrong forecast from self-appointed "Weather Guy" Skeve Douchey, cause Brian hung him out in the rain on this one. Douchey was all a-twitter about his little secret and the other two mutants just let all the barometric pressure out of Douchey's fun reveal. I predict Skevey puts pubes in the guys make up in the morning. How does this Skevey Douchey anal pore have a job? Maybe he can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
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