what's the matter with not doocy?

You Guys, We Are Starting To Worry About Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade

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First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong!

What could be the deal with Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one, who always seems to give off the scent of date rape? Here are some ideas!

  • He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living! (Also, he will end up best friends with a wisecracking pre-teen of color.)
  • Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth.
  • There is some shit he will not eat. Haha just kidding, of course there isn’t.
  • Fox is testing how its audience would respond if they decided to actually grow into a real live news outlet.
  • Ghost of Christmas Future.
  • Wants some Shep Smith-style Maddow love.
  • Body-snatched.

[MediaMatters]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • helefink

    You sing of Olaf glad and big!

    • prommie

      I speak of the spear-danes!

    • karlamarx

      (my favorite e.e. cummings poem!)

      • bibliotequetress

        whose warmest heart recoiled at war? Nah, not Fox

  • BerkeleyBear

    If just randomly not lying were enough to get some Maddow love, I'd be all over it.

  • gullywompr

    Maybe roasting tiny marshmallows with a plastic spoon released some gasses that altered his brain chemistry.

    • rickmaci

      When the spoon ignited he saw his life flash before his eyes and it was all no bueno?

  • Barbara_

    "Chinese fortune cookie curse makes him tell the truth." -IN BED!
    He has to fess up and tell Bill O'Reilly that hey, he's not that great of a lover.

    • Boojum

      Don't you think Bill has found that out by now?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      It's spelled "loofa," Barb.

    • Isyaignert

      "Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." Actual line from Bill O'Liley's porno book (involving an underage girl). Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

  • Pragmatist2

    He's planning to get married next Spring and wants to invite the President?

  • barto

    Prayer circle, people, STAT!

  • FNMA

    Another explanation: They certainly are doing wonderful things with pharmaceuticals these days.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I bet he might even adopt that "wise-cracking pre-teen of color," after the kid's irresponsible parents are executed!

    That could even make for a hit sitcom of some sort, maybe.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Whatchyu talking 'bout Zoomie?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      The Fresh Dunce Of Dead Air?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I'd like to place an order for a dozen bottles of whatever you took today, please.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Thank you, Sir!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, there's already been one called "Leave It To Beaver" so….

      • Isyaignert

        Loofin' the Beaver?

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And now that Alex Karras is gone, we could use a sitcom like "Webster." What? Too soon?

  • Boojum

    I read "First Tucker Carlson" as "Fist Fucker Carlson", which sounds more accurate.

    • bibliotequetress

      Is that what he's forming a group for?

    • rickmaci

      Fucker KKKarlson libel.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    He has lost the will to be stupid. It happens.

    • kittensdontlie

      Someone(hippie chick) unlocked the parental control on all his non-Fox tevee channels,…and the lame-stream truth he has witnessed, has been to much for him.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think this is it … it must be exhausting maintaining that Faux News faux outrage 24/7. And the level of willful stupidity and/or ignorance they require probably doesn't come naturally to him, so that must also get tiring after a while.

      His expression clearly says, "Oh for fuck's sake, Doocy. Really?"

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    His conscience grew three sizes that day.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I wouldn't touch him with a 39 1/2 foot pole.

  • PsycWench

    Got a terminal diagnosis like Lee Atwater.

  • no_gravity

    From the looks of him in that video thumb I would guess smoking opium, or taking Quaaludes.

    • BadKitty904

      "or"?

    • prommie

      Quaaludes? Did I hear someone say quaaludes?

  • coolhandnuke

    He's just cooking his six degrees of Kevin Bacon a bit longer each morning.

  • BeefHardcake

    Waitaminute, Not Steve Doocy has a name now?

    • Esteev

      What's a "Steve Doocy"?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Those take two flushes.

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    Thanks, mang. That put "the stallion part 2" in my head, likely for the rest of the day.

    • alteredimages

      Hey dude, he's the Stallion!

  • An_Outhouse

    Is there a military member who hasn't fucked Martha Raddatz?

    • Toomush_Infer

      I believe, in English, that would be a "military member THAT…"

      • An_Outhouse

        are you insinuating that I speak English?

    • LibertyLover

      There was the first lady fighter pilot that she interviewed last night on Frontline…but I'm not sure….

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      heh heh….you said "member"…heh heh

  • Boojum

    He must have actually listened to the stupid coming out of the mouth of the guy who looks like he diddles children and was embarrassed by it. I mean, he and the token woman both looked sheepish, so maybe there are some limits.

    • mille derps

      Sheepish or SHEEPLISH?

  • Callyson

    The medical marijuana finally kicked in.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Of course he doesn't think it matters, because no matter what, Kilmeade knows that Ryan is going to mop the floor with Big Joe. Well, that's how they're going to report it, anyway.

  • SexySmurf

    Obviously, Obama go to him, but how?

    But how?

    • no_gravity

      By singing Al Green to him.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *snapping fingers*

      That's IT!

      THAT'S why Obama deliberately underperformed at the debate last week!

      Kilmeade sent him a mash note and said "If you truly love me, you'll throw the debate"! Genius! Sheer genius!

  • el_donaldo

    In the company of dicks, uber-dicks suddenly break ranks on random issues so they can be dicks to the whole company of dicks. That's all. Being reasonable on a couple issues makes him actually even more of a waste of meatbag.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      I think ya got it.

    • Esteev

      How else are we supposed to get a book deal?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Explains Glenn Beck splitting up with his sugar daddy Murdoch.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    He's obviously timing his meds better.

  • PsycWench

    Maybe he had a heart-to-heart talk with John Roberts about how you have to think about those history books.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Three more choices and this could have been a Letterman top ten list.

  • chascates

    Caught Bill O'Reilly giving him a flirty look.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Is he bone-gaunt and wearing whore-wedges?!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Whoribly so.

  • Esteev

    Concussions are a serious medical condition, you guys.

  • Toomush_Infer

    He just read the script – it's called "tension"….

  • LibertyLover

    Here's a bit of trivia for ya… but it doesn't matter because, like, you know, it's TRIVIA.
    But we're Fox "News" so we are trying to make it seem like it does matter while seeming like it doesn't…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Time for an intervention.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    He wants an invite to her divorce, silly.

  • Radiotherapy

    MSNBC pays more?

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Perhaps after all these years of being second banana to il Doocey and Carlson, he is just feeling suicidal?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    The FOX minions have figure out a way to disable their Genital Shock Collars!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You make those sound like a bad thing. I'm thinking it's a featured bennie mentioned in the second interview.

      "Your salary is commensurate with experience, of course, but did I mention the genital shock collar?"

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Your voltage may vary.

  • MistaEko

    This happens every 4 years. The Political Cicada releases from its cocoon and feasts on brain parasites of one and only one host. See Shep Smith. In fact, by 2056, their prime time line up is slated to clean up at the Murrow Awards.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think I should point out that even stoned out hippy chicks have some standards.

    • prommie

      I have learned that they can be quite demanding, too.

      • gullywompr

        Not stoned enough. Increase the dosage.

  • TootsStansbury

    A small tear has developed in the fabric of bizarrouniverse.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Brian Kilmeade — the squinty-eyed fratty one"

    Man, another half-inch closer together and he'd be a fucking cyclops.

  • SorosBot

    "He is boning a hippie chick like in one of those romantic dramas where she ends up dying of like non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and she is making him see that life is for living!"

    Now how can you describe the Manic Pixie Dream Girl genre to a T without actually mentioning the name?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You do realize this is the plot for "Love Story" starring Al and Tipper Gore, right?

    • mille derps

      And they didn't even mention Carole Lombard? What kind of a list is that?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Or Lillian Gish!

      • fatbob54

        Or Ann Curry on "The Today Show"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      There was a character like that in that Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" as well, but you probably avoided it like the plague due to Oldz.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    More important, what did she and Bamz give each other for wedding gifts?

  • Ruhe

    In the business it's referred to as OVM or Objectivity Veneer Maintenance. You take a fairly obvious position on a fairly innocuous topic so that you can build some small amount of credibility with people who value rationality. It's a rope-a-dope move so don't fall for it.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      He doesn't have a trowel big enough to patch up his Objectivity.

  • Disassembly

    Barack Obama was at my Muslim bar mitzvah.

    • MosesInvests

      Muslim bar mitzvah is circumcision-which must hurt like hell at age 13.

  • Esteev

    I wonder how many Fox viewers' heads exploded when a conflicting idea entered their brains.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, they might just think they're ears popped a little.

      • Esteev

        "This red shit doesn't taste like jam…"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Say, has anyone else noticed how, after her "run-in" in Tampa, Editrix stopped picking on Doocy and amped up the NotDoocy and DumbHornyBlonde pieces?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg
    • http://s841.photobucket.com/albums/zz333/Extemporanus/ Extemporanus
      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        I think I bit my tongue off.

      • Radiotherapy

        Stouffer's Heat and Eat

      • CapnFatback

        You guys!

    • not that Dewey

      You don't use words like that.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        "I stopped the thought before its drip became insistent"

    • Radiotherapy

      How do you do that?
      Moanitors.
      Scanners live in vein.

    • CapnFatback

      OOOO! Group hug!

      • Radiotherapy

        Pinterest is banned at work.

  • hagajim

    He was told he had to by the fair and balanced one among the unbalanced.

  • StealthMuslin

    Pfff! Total "Good Douche/Bad Douche."

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    Today (and every day) Steve Doocy is everyone's dipshit uncle who is convinced everyone's out to get him.

  • StillGoinGreen

    I really don't remember what he said, but did you get a fuckin look at those eyebrows? Dude, put the tweezers down and BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Brian Kilmeade knows the truth about obama's wedding ring.

  • James Michael Curley

    So I've been working the last couple days and falling short on my nutcase news stories. There is some kind of scandal about Obama attending Martha Radich's wedding? Did hit hit on the maid of honor?

  • lulzmonger

    When your damage control needs its own damage control, perhaps you should ask your doctor if just calling in sick & fapping all day instead is right for you.

  • ChrisM2011

    If Brian's eyes get any closer together, the man will be a cyclops. And then I might have to start watching.

  • Fox n Fiends

    He's just offshored all his money and doesn't care who wins the election.

  • Gleem McShineys

    The Gawker FOXNews mole, remember?

    IT'S BRIAN KILMEADE!!

  • MinAgain

    Never fear. I'm sure he'll get a booster shot of conservati-serum with his next paycheck.

  • rickmaci

    I read the first few words of the first line of the first idea as "boning a Dixie chick" and I'm thinking, "damn, he's going to get fired by Faux"

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, that is what they always tell me.

  • jamesz21

    I'm withholding judgement until Orly Taitz completes her investigation of this emerging scandal. I think we need to demand a copy of the wedding invitation – it's only been 20 years so if they can't produce it then that alone is evidence that a conspiracyis afoot. This is further proof that Lehrer was a better moderator – he never gets invited to anyone's wedding.

  • mosjef

    He must have gotten the wrong forecast from self-appointed "Weather Guy" Skeve Douchey, cause Brian hung him out in the rain on this one. Douchey was all a-twitter about his little secret and the other two mutants just let all the barometric pressure out of Douchey's fun reveal. I predict Skevey puts pubes in the guys make up in the morning. How does this Skevey Douchey anal pore have a job? Maybe he can suck a golf ball through a garden hose