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Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh

mount cushmoreIn a CLEARLY partisan move, a federal court is going to review “evidence” and “science” and listen to a bunch of “doctors” so they can decide once and for all if the American people should be free to get highhhhhhh.

For the first time in 20 years, a federal court will review scientific evidence on the therapeutic value of marijuana, as a legal challenge by a group of doctors, medical professionals and patients makes its way to the U.S. court of appeals in Washington, D.C., next week.

Americans for Safe Access is hoping the challenge will change the government’s classification of marijuana from a dangerous drug with no medical benefits, the Guardian reported.

Sidenote: there is no word yet on what Arizona GOP Congressman Trent Franks has to say about this, and as we all learned this summer, the policies of the entire country (and ESPECIALLY DC) are subject to his approval. In the meantime, we will go see a doctor about our migraines, while your Editrix informs us she will continue to smoke her legal marijuana until the dastardly Nobama administration shutters every pot shop in L.A., because you gotta have a war on something.


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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    1. Incitefully_Joe

      Seriously. It's hard to read any headline that says, "Circuit Court to Consider Science in Matter of…" without instictively reading the impending headline, "Circuit Court Overturned Upon Appeal Of…"

      1. ahnc

        It is frustrating, I agree, Incitefully_Joe
        I'm just guessing… it will go to SCOTUS eventually and they will smoke it.

        1. Incitefully_Joe

          Justice Kennedy will opine about how he totally knows that some people have smoked up, and then regretted it later, and that's all the "evidence" he needs.

          Justice Scalia will be pretty certain that a plain reading of the Constitution means that the founders totally wanted marijuana to be outlawed, it says so right there in Article Shut Up, That's Why.

          Justice Kagan will recuse herself.

    1. Lot_49

      No way will an ex-convict criminal mastermind like Tommy Chong be granted any credence. Thank goodness the law caught him in time, though!

      1. cousinitt

        Lucky they're being represented by their attorney, Dave. Thing is though, the boys still can't find Dave.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    As wild as the court decisions have been lately, I wouldn't be surprised if the Supremes made it a capital offense.

  2. actor212

    OK, who's holding?

    Mail a key to:

    U.S. Courthouse and

    William B. Bryant Annex

    333 Constitution Ave., NW Washington, DC 20001

    You know, for evidence.

  3. Dudleydidwrong

    The Veep debate will take care of this:

    RYAN (Foam-flecked scream): "We cannot permit this deadly drug to ruin our nation!"

    BIDEN: "Hey, man…just chill out…easy…easy"

    1. mrpuma2u

      and good riddance. These are the guys that are gearing up for a K street Putsch when this thing finally hits the Supreme court.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    If the phrase, "Dave's not here, man!" appears in the opinion of the court, we will know we have won.

      1. snowpointsecret

        I can imagine it:

        The Supreme Court has decided 5-4 along partisan lines to reverse the decision of an interception. When asked, Scalia commented that it was because Obama is a Bears fan, and giving the Packers the win would at least mildly annoy him.

  5. PsycWench

    I think there should be some marijuana samples added to any products that seem appropriate, like Midol, pizza and Pink Floyd albums.

    1. PsycWench

      The defense will present that age-old poem:
      God is perfect
      Man is not
      Man made liquor
      God made pot.

  6. noodlesalad

    As was clearly established Bogart v. Jones, you must pass the Dutchie Judgment to the left hand side.

    Of course Scalia sided with Bogart.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "dastardly Nobama administration shutters every pot shop in L.A.,"

    I understand that Denver is worth the trip.

      1. cousinitt

        Near downtown Denver, I live within 1/8 of a mile of TWO "herbal daze" clinics. Seriously. One shop is located in between a quick check cash store and a Southwest Mex restaurant.

        Good Times are had by many in my neighborhood.

        1. Negropolis

          Hell before the feds and the state started cracking down on dispensaries here in my little(ish) city of just over 100,000 here in Michigan, there were 41 in 36 square miles.

    1. Isyaignert

      There are two types of cannabis – indica and sativa. Indica should be used for nighttime activities or pain, as it will make you very relaxed, while sativa is good for daytime use and can actually make you feel energetic. Some strains are being developed that have properties of both plants.

  8. snowpointsecret

    After seeing the picture, I was disappointed that the article wasn't about our Founding Fathers getting high.

    Okay, maybe not, but you can't blame a girl for trying.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man. Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too.

    2. Isyaignert

      Well, the first draft of the US Constitution was written on hemp paper. Also, too, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington were hemp farmers.

      We really ought to legalize hemp again – it is an incredibly versatile, useful plant and the most efficient means of turning sunlight into cellulose. Henry Ford made a car out of hemp that ran on hemp gasoline –

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    If the case ever gets that "high", it would truly be a wonder to behold a Roberts court decision in favor. Eyes melt, skin explodes…

  10. Callyson

    until the dastardly Nobama administration shutters every pot shop in L.A.

    And since there's one on every block here, this war will be about as successful as the War on Poverty was.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, the War on Poverty was half-assed and interrupted intermittently a whole number of times. The War on Drugs has been serious-as-sin for decades on end, now, with no let up. If they want the pot shops gone, they'll be gone, even if they have to call in the National Guard to do it.

    1. delaney_blom

      You are a genius . . . I'm going to supplement my next Doritos Locos taco with a Slim Jim.

      Oh Yeah!

  11. Gorillionaire

    One of the funniest things that has ever been on television was when Dave Chappell said on the Fallon show, with a straight face, that he had never smoked a doob before.

    1. actor212

      Hemp was, that's the problem. I can't imagine they thought anyone *koffkoffRepublicanskoffkoff* would be STOOPIT enough to criminalize such a useful herb

    2. Baconzgood

      We have a borough in the sticks of Eastern PA called Hempfield. It's been there since the 1740's. But nothing of histological significance ever happened in Pennsylvania so we're not "Real Americans".

  12. FakaktaSouth

    Ah yes the continued debate as to whether we treat people in the US like grown-ups ever. I'm going to California with an aching in my joints, cause arthritis counts, no? I could totally have arthritis, they don't know. And I personally would rather deal with 100 potheads over 1 drunk, and I really really like drunks.

    1. Tommmcatt_Again

      Oh, arthritis counts, love. Rest assured, it counts.

      I used to say that about people on estacy, by the way. Better 100 candy ravers than 1 drunk.

    2. Negropolis

      Hell, here in Michigan, all you have to do is sneeze to get it since the Republican legislature wants to over-regulate the amendment to the point where it's meaningless, and the people aren't having it, so the thing remains nearly completely unregulated at the moment.

  13. mrpuma2u

    The justices should not be able to rule until they have eaten a "brownie" and watched koyaanisqatsi.

      1. PubOption

        I have never been able to stay awake until the end, no matter what condition I may have been in. It should be one of the movie selections on any long flight.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Here's some obscure for ya:

    ♫ Well, you can smoke it, you can eat it, you can mix it with yer beer,
    You can snort it through your nose, and you can hang it in yer ear.
    And if you’ve got the notion boys, and if you got the class,
    You can chuck it in his feedbag and feed it to your ass.

    When your feet are in the stirrups, and your ass is on the ground
    ‘Cuz the grass that he's been eatin’ is the finest stuff around;
    Well, let us all remember boys, and let us not fergit,
    Strike a match and light another marijuana cigarette. ♪

  15. Theywontlisten

    The Constitution was written on hemp paper I do believe. Subliminal message from Bob Marley and the Founding Fathers?

  16. pdiddycornchips

    The constitution makes no mention of marijuana therefore we can assume Scalia will vote to uphold state law. That is unless his strict constructionist crap is just a convenient mask for his wingnuttery. I'm guessing the latter.

  17. Sivart_R1

    Any idea how this could relate to the production of hemp again, since we can get so much more biomass from hemp per year than we do from trees…

    1. Isyaignert

      At the risk of being redundant, I just posted the following a few comments up from yours, but it's important and you're obviously interested –

      We really ought to legalize hemp again – it is an incredibly versatile, useful plant and the most efficient means of turning sunlight into cellulose. Henry Ford made a car out of hemp that ran on hemp gasoline –
      Well, the first draft of the US Constitution was written on hemp paper. Also, too, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington were hemp farmers.

  18. UnholyMoses

    As someone who's had two back surgeries and, thus, has had to take a ton of pills and, thus, has gastroparesis (Google it), making pot legal would truly and honestly improve my quality of life in ways I can barely imagine.

    Which, of course, means it will never, ever be legal. 'Cause gawd would never let me be that happy.

  19. ttommyunger

    I am not a judgmental or cruel person, but this Trent Franks asshole just gives hare-lips a bad name.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    The hell with the medical marijuana charade — just make it legal for recreational use and be done with it — that way the pro-legalization folks don't have to play the stupid game of coming up with medically contestable justifications. Yes, I know it has medical value too, but its legality shouldn't be dependent on that because there's always someone around who's going to argue that the science is bogus.

  21. DahBoner

    No, they'll rule that it doesn't have any large-scale, double-blind placebo "industry standard" studies, done on tens of thousands of people, over decades (because ITS FUCKING ILLEGAL TO DO SO), therefore there is no "proof".

    2:1 odds, all takers, bubble hash or better…

  22. Negropolis

    Clearly, Americans for Safe Access are a false flag, because anyone knows that everything makes it up to the Supremes, these days, because the Supremes are fucking greedy, salivating at the chance to rollback the 21st and 20th centuries.

Comments are closed.