you can never be too bitch or too thin

It’s Okay, You Guys, Sarah Palin Is Just ‘Writing’ A Fitness ‘Book’

She ain't heavy, she's your motherIt seems like just yesterday we were worried about Sarah Palin! The wraithlike skin-sack of hollow bones clomping around Los Angeles this week was not the GILF you’ve hatefucked in your brainpan so many times throughout the years, but instead gave us a huge anti-boner of sad. (That this led to accusations in the comments that we were “body-shaming” is too bad, since it was by far the nicest thing we’d ever written about Palin, and also since this is not Jezebel. What’s next, accusations of cisgendered heteronormative hegemony?) But it is okay, you guys! People magazine did the hard work of asking Palin, what the fuck is up with your bone-sack? And Palin replied!

In an email to PEOPLE on Tuesday, Palin – who’s known to treat houseguests to a smorgasbord of homemade treats such as moose chili, chocolate cream pies, pecan pies and lemon meringue pies – wrote, “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline focusing on where we get our energy and balance as we still eat our beloved homemade comfort foods!”

Palin, 48, says she will discuss the topics in “our unique and motivating book.”

“We promise you what we do works and allows a fulfilling quality of life and sustenance anyone can enjoy,” she adds.

It is unclear if Palin has a contract for the upcoming book or when the work will be published.

That’s cute, People, the little bitch-meow at the end, but no. It is not “unclear” if Palin has a contract for the upcoming book — if she had a contract, it would have been Drudge siren news like it always is whenever the brood grifts its way into another paycheck, like we hear about whatever idiot reality thing the phlegmatic Todd’s signed up for this time. As for when the work will be published, we are going to say “never,” because that might entail writing a book, since we don’t think “fitness” is one of Palin Family Ghostwriter Nancy French’s topics of expertise.

As for their homemade treats, we can’t imagine lemon meringue goes well with secret bags of Taco Bell consumed alone in her room with the door closed, but eh. We could be very wrong about that!

In any case, we are glad (you say) you are okay, Sarah Palin. Maybe soon you can get back to being hotter than Julianne Moore played you, which is the first statement in history that came out of Bristol Palin’s mouth with which we can agree!

[People, via PoliticalWire; pix from Celebitchy courtesy of Fame/Flynet]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Goonemeritus

    “Meth Your Way to a Sexier You”- I predict it will fly off the shelves in the Confederate States.

    1. tessiee

      Right next to "Smoke Yourself Thin", "The Bible so that even YOU can Understand It", and whatever Jerome Corsi has pooped out recently.

  2. CrankyLttlCamperette

    accusations of cisgendered heteronormative hegemony?

    I had to look this up. And I was an English Major for chrissakes!

          1. CindynEncinitas

            Oh, hai! Little pieces of water are falling on me from somewhere above me. Don't know why… what's going on???

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline"

    I can't wait to read Bristle's chapter.

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      You definitely sell her short. As a failed ex half-governor, failed Vice Presidential candidate, failed Fox News "commentator", failed reality star, failed (had other people)write( for he)r, and soon-to-be failed nutrition guru, Sarah Palin is quite clear a true polymeth.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Self & discipline are unrelated ingredients of a Palin word salad that was tossed, and the two words fell together by accident.

  4. Terry

    If she wasn't pure feral evil, I'd almost feel sorry for her. She was the center of attention and now she's a punch line, employable only on Fox News. Even reality tv has had enough of her. The weight loss and focus on working out isn't really a surprise. She's a strong candidate for an eating disorder. When you are losing control of everything else, at least you can control your diet and your weight. Sarah's got a ticket for the "thinspiration" train.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Yes, introspection and deep thinking, just like discipline, are terms I can't help but associate with the name Palin.

    1. MegPasadena

      The sad thing is now somewhere some publisher probably thinks it is a good idea to ask her to write the said book and says, "why didn't we think about that before?" It will include a lot of sexy photos of the Palin gals for all the old men to enjoy.

  5. actor212

    “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline focusing on where we get our energy and balance as we still eat our beloved homemade comfort foods!”

    The entire family is writing the book? Including that rather zaftig little homewrecker, Bristol?

  6. Rosie_Scenario

    It took her a while to hit the mother lode of Grifting — diet books. What better to peddle to her obese, Hoveround-bound, teabagging, devotees.

  7. upthruster

    I predict folks who follow the books plan will follow Palin's example to the tee and quit half way through.

  8. FakaktaSouth

    “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline focusing on where we get our energy and balance as we still eat our beloved homemade comfort foods!”

    Still eating comfort foods? Ew so this is a book full of tips on how to make yourself throw up? I guess if anyone can induce vomiting, it's this crew. Just, no thank you.

    1. Tommmcatt_Again

      I was confused because I thought the term "huge anti-boner of sad" only applied to Joe Lieberman.

  9. hagajim

    I actually think she looks better at that angle than the one yesterday. And, if you throw on top that she's in LaLa land – I'm guessing she's just trying to assimilate. Plus its hard to shoot moose from a chopper in SoCal.

    1. fuflans

      yeah i'm not quite sure what all this fuss is about. she looks LA thin, but better than without the trowel's worth of make up she usually applies.

      and i may be shallow, but i'd be thin than look like bristol.

        1. Incitefully_Joe

          As a practicing autist, may I just say that the new-agey "crystal child" podunk she was babbling about before she jumped on the anti-vaxer train was only slightly less annoying.

          I mean, way less awful in terms of the public health implications, but still.

  10. weejee

    The wraithlike skin-sack of hollow bones clomping around Los Angeles

    The ringwraith skin-sack of hollow bones clomping around Los Angeles

    / fixed

      1. tessiee

        If you guys are ever single, I would like to fix you up with whoever described Nancy Grace as an Uruk-hai.

    1. mavenmaven

      "We are the hollow men
      We are the stuffed men
      Leaning together
      Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!…"

  11. PsycWench

    If I were concerned about staying fit, the first thing I'd do is toss any shoes that posed the threat of a broken ankle. But that's just me.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    It's not the fitness part that confuses me, it's the self-discipline part — is that the part that sustains Sarah through her $150,000 raid on the local Nordstrom, or the part that allows Bristol to have her own private fuck room in the Palin household, or one of the other ones (Henbane? Atlatl? I forget) to be a Wasilla cokehound? And don't even get me started on Trig's gun collection.

  13. Dr_Zoidberg

    If her book-writing goes anything like her governorship, she'll get half-way through the first chapter and then quit.

  14. One_Man_Band

    "The wraithlike skin-sack of hollow bones"

    Will this diet book be published by EC Comics? She looks like if the Cryptkeeper got a makeover.

  15. anniegetyerfun

    She can expand and contract all she wants, but I'm disappointed (perpetually) in her clothing. Look, honey, you're a young grandma, but you either have to really bring the crazy (animal prints, clear heels, giant fake diamond rings) or tone it down (meet my friends, tasteful black flat and pencil skirt – they are happy to make your acquaintance).

    Those wedges, especially paired with that shirt, are meant to be carried by an 18 year-old sorority pledge during her first walk of shame home from frat row.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I will admit in full mean girl fashion, that after this dramatic drop, I do look forward to the re-loading. Yo-yo-dieting ain't for play. And I hate her clothes in perpetuity. It's like she also quit in the middle of her fashion consultation.

    2. actor212

      Oh, no, she's in fashion. It's a way for trashy grandmas to keep up the appearance of having just driven away from fraternity row after ravishing some young clueless stud.

      Cuz, you know, they can't deal with a man.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I just feel like if she wants to be tacky, she should really freaking go for it. This is such half-assed tacky.

  16. zumpie

    Sooo, was this photo placed next to one of her "hawt" 2008 pics on TMZ's "Look she's all growed up" section???

  17. SoBeach

    Maybe soon you can get back to being hotter than Julianne Moore played you

    Back in '08 Palin was smokin' hot. Still not as hot as Julianne Moore though.

  18. Joshua Norton

    So is she 'writing' a book on how to keep fit or throw a fit? Inquiring minds want to know.

    From the little I saw of them the few times I clicked thru "Sara Palin's Alaska" if they were going to a gym it must have had an all-you-can-eat pudding bar.

  19. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    At least the meth manufacturing industry is alive and well in America, thanks to Sarah apparantly.

  20. Sacanagem

    The change in lighting and the movement of her "shopping" bags leads me to one conclusion: she's hitting every Kmart in Southern Cali & cleaning out their Sudafed supply. QED, bitch.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline focusing on where we get our energy and balance as we still eat our beloved homemade comfort foods!”

    IOW, "Binging and Purging: 50 Hurls to Flatter Abs."

  22. BadKitty904

    This is turning into some weird, backwoods version of "Mommy Dearest" meets "Sunset Boulevard"…but without the superficial beauty or the talent… Or the pathos…

  23. stitch94133

    Whew. I always loved the way Sarah strings the latest pop phrases together, whether or not they make sense…

  24. ahnc

    Geez, give Sarah a break. Sarah is so thin because she's running back and forth to the bank depositing checks from the lame stream media.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Glenn Beck
      The human wreck
      Never plays with a full deck.

      This little ditty got me over 700 downfists on Yahoo a few years ago; it was a blaze of glory in my otherwise nondescript life.

  25. Typodong3

    I have never, ever considered Sarah Palin to be attractive, in any way. I think perhaps its that permanent sneer on her face as she collects random words to toss out in her latest word salad, or perhaps the pure (but somewhat stupid) evil that oozes out of her pores. I hate to admit this, but I have on rare occasions considered Michelle Bachmann to be attractive.. but never once have I done that with Palin.

    1. Mittaplasia

      It was that "great sex with crazy people" fantasy thingy and knowing Marcus wasn't up to the job, amirite?

      1. Typodong3

        Lol I dont know about that. She really isnt a bad looking woman, not like the highly subjective and high maintenance look that Palin has.

  26. 75orLess

    we may have an explanation, courtesy of this morning's new blind item on a few gossip sites:

    "I guess she is a celebrity now. Not sure what her title would be. Anyway, she definitely has A list name recognition. Actually she has A+ name recognition. Anyway, she has lost weight recently and says it is because of diet and exercise. Could be true, but the little pick me up powder she was wiping from her nose the other night is probably helping too and that famed LA weight loss drug Adderall."

    This is the next step in the fame whore cycle, followed by a visit to rehab, and then a "clean" return to public life, before finally flaming out into the 'where are they now' bargain bin.

    For a family that made a living bitching about Hollywood, they sure do spend all of their time there.

  27. BeefHardcake

    I, for one, look forward to seeing the Palin diet and exercise book. Sarah Palin trying to write a sentence will be like a chimpanzee trying to design a nuclear reactor.

    Comedy gold, this will be!

  28. carlgt1

    Getting rid of demons is at least a 10 pound loss! I have to admit though – she does look like my dream milf pole-dancer now!

  29. ttommyunger

    A weight-loss, fitness book! Killer idea, why has no one ever done this before? I, for one, cannot fucking wait to sop up this vapid twat's brain-droppings. I wonder how many boxcars full the Koch Brothers will buy?

  30. valgal2342

    I picked the last apples off the tree yesterday and baked two apple pies last night.
    Anyone want some?

  31. natoslug

    Good for her. There's no way in hell I'd read any book ghostwritten for her, but any activity that gets her out of the spotlight for a bit is good. And now I have a strange craving for Turkey Jerky.

  32. Blunderthing

    Snowbilly Grifter targets the low self- esteemed and the full figured mental lightweights. Just like before.

  33. HelmutNewton

    Give her credit. She knows her audience. Who among you would have thought of "The Meth Fitness Plan"?

    1. tessiee

      I can't speak for everyone among *us*, but a pretty fair percentage of the population in the red states has.

  34. mustangsavvy

    “Our family is writing a book on fitness and self-discipline" – this in one line is actually America's real problem. It's actually deemed plausible to publish a explanation as self help books on SELF DISCIPLINE written by a woman who could not be fucked to finish her term as Governor and also who can't seem to find the OFF button on her shrill rants on Fox News any time anyone even looks like they are thinking of saying "Obama". You just know her remaining 5 supporters are saving up the pennies for this magical tome. If or when it even gets published (i.e. never).

    1. tessiee

      *polite golf clap*
      I applaud your restraint in getting through an entire rant mocking $arah's claim to self discipline without even once mentioning her whorey daughter and bastard grandchild(ren).

    1. tessiee

      The really pathetic thing is that if she were, there are people who would run right out and buy it.

  35. tessiee

    "That this led to accusations in the comments that we were “body-shaming” is too bad"

    Being of Italian descent, I have a number of family members who have struggled their whole lives with weight issues. Because they're good people, I wouldn't dream of making fun of the way they look. But assholes like Sarah Palin and Chris Christie? Totally fair game.
    Oh, yeah, also goes for friends who have struggled with addictions vs. turds like Breitbart.

  36. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Sarah new books:
    Atlas Failed
    Rice-A-Sarah: Wasilla Bleh Treat
    Coming soon to the nearest 99 cents store.

  37. Chet Kincaid_

    "Palin – who’s known to treat houseguests to a smorgasbord of homemade treats such as moose chili, chocolate cream pies, pecan pies and lemon meringue pies…"


    1. tessiee

      I'm guessing Little Debbies — but not even *actual* Little Debbies — the Costco steamer trunk size cut-rate equivalent of Little Debbies — on a *flowered* paper plate.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        Sarah's usual parenting style, as evidenced by that other-other documentary show, is to serve up Willow or Piper on a (de)flowered paper plate to young male house-guests.

  38. rocktonsam

    did her tits suck up all her fat?

    you can take the gal out of KMart but you can't take the KMart out of the gal

    no canvas bags?

    environment libel!!1!

  39. CindynEncinitas

    Five bucks she gets a boob job. Then she goes blonde. Then she gets divorced. Then she falls in teh sack with Danny DeVito after a 3-day bender.

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