JESUS LOVES YOU TO DEATH  3:50 pm October 8, 2012

Bible-Loving Arkansas House Candidate Wants Us To Kill All The Children, For Jesus

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Kill it with fireYour Editrix, being the mama of an 18-year-old man, is not entirely unamenable to the ideas proposed by Arkansas’s latest political fameball, one Charlie Fuqua, a candidate for the Arkansas House who’s just the last in a long string of thoughtful and wise natives to the state. Not only is she not necessarily unamenable, but in fact, she’s downright intrigued! What does Charlie Fuqua want? He wants us to kill all children who disrespect their parents, Old Testament-styley. Let us explore this brave old world, together!

The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:

This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children. I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death. Why is this so? Other than the love Christ has for us, there is no greater love then [sic] that of a parent for their child. The last people who would want to see a child put to death would be the parents of the child. Even so, the Scrpture provides a safe guard to protect children from parents who would wrongly exercise the death penalty against them. Parents are required to bring their children to the gate of the city. The gate of the city was the place where the elders of the city met and made judicial pronouncements. In other words, the parents were required to take their children to a court of law and lay out their case before the proper judicial authority, and let the judicial authority determine if the child should be put to death. I know of many cases of rebellious children, however, I cannot think of one case where I believe that a parent had given up on their child to the point that they would have taken their child to a court of law and asked the court to rule that the child be put to death. Even though this procedure would rarely be used, if it were the law of land, it would give parents authority. Children would know that their parents had authority and it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents.

Pussies. KILL THEM! Retroactive abortions for everyone! But really, mostly for him.

[ArkTimes, via HuffPo]

 

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{ 282 comments }

DrunkIrishman October 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Can we start with the Romney Boys?

hagajim October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Yeah – Mitt said they lied to him all the time – disrespectful little pricks.

red_kira October 8, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Hell, can we start with Romney? Isn't there a Michael J. Fox movie about that?

HogeyeGrex October 9, 2012 at 2:33 am

I am wondering if I can adopt Mr. Fuqua

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:53 pm

When he offers up one of his children or grandchildren on the State Altar in front of the Arkansas Capitol building, he'll get my vote…

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I'd be somewhat pleased if he would "offer up" his children to serve in the US military in Afghanistan or some other hell-hole instead of searching for deferments. If he would figuratively or literally bring his children to the altar to even consider such a thing I would only hope that he'd fall down the community well on his way there. What a toad-fuck!

The asshole is a "pro-life" Baptist by the way. Yeah.

Dr_Zoidberg October 8, 2012 at 3:53 pm

What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with this person?

Come here a minute October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

The ever-loving fuqua, that is.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads." — Leviticus 19:27

I think this guy's got that 'un pretty much covered…

WhatTheHeck October 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

His head seems to be more obtuse than well rounded.

Gleem McShineys October 8, 2012 at 6:17 pm

BLOCKHEADS FOR JESUS!

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

To paraphrase Bill Clinton, there is nothing wrong with religion that cannot be fixed by what is right with lack of religion.

Dashboard Buddha October 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Too much heaven on his mind.

HogeyeGrex October 9, 2012 at 2:46 am

Well, for starters, he seems to think that making death threats to children is a valid form of parenting. He also seems to want them not to be empty threats, which in this case is even more fucke…

Motherfucker thinks making enforceable death threats to children should be the norm. What. The. Fuck?

How much of a fucking crack-addled shit for brains loser do you need to be for death threats to be your only form of parental authority? "Oh Johnny, eat all your peas or your mother and I will take you out back and gut you like a trout." Fuuuck.

I mean, fuck. I don't think I've ever had to go farther than threaten the little monsters with being sold to pirates or for medical experiments. Sheesh.

JudasPeckerwood October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Think of the children! Then kill them.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Won't someone please kill all the children, for the children?

RedStatePinko October 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

We had to kill the child in order to save it.

kittensdontlie October 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

For godness sakes, I love them to death!

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Funny how these cocksuckers are always going on about Islam being the religion of death

Come here a minute October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Idle threats are the future of parenting.

Tommmcatt_Again October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Ann Couter was lovely at that age, with the pigtails and everything.

coolhandnuke October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

If Fuqua is such a true believer in Old Testament rules, shouldn't he head down to the local Red Lobster and go postal on all those shellfish-eating abominations.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Mix linen and woolen fibers in your clothing* and it's Guantanamo for *you*, ya fashion heathens!

*Leviticus 19:19

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Not during Endless Shrimp in Arkansas!

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Dude, just try and take away their pork* in Arkansas. No more bbq'd pulled pork sammiches for *them* good ol' boys…

*Leviticus 11:7-8; Deuteronomy 14:8

GeorgiaBurning October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Bacon cheeseburgers- that's two abominations in one sandwich.

GunToting[Redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Delicious abominations!

dr_giraud October 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

"Proper procedure" sounds an awful lot like regulations. Is he a closet liberal?

STONE THEM NOW.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Strangely enough, I believe stoning is "the proper procedure".

MacRaith October 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"Everybody must get stoned!"

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I don't think that's what he meant, but … yes.

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

My parents would have so gotten behind that.

Sue4466 October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Is this them morals they keep saying you only get through religion?

Maman October 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Yup. This and offering your virgin daughters for an angry mob to rape in the name of hospitality

jodyleek October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

That's a relief! I wondered what I was going to do after my kid stopped believing in Santa.

mavenmaven October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Apparently, as we learned during the debate. they used to lie to their parents all the time…

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Fetus, however, shall live.

Boojum October 8, 2012 at 5:43 pm

It sounds to me like he is in favor of a judicial mechanism for killing the post-born fetuses (which is what I intend to call all humans, from now until the Christianists stop calling blobs of goo "persons").

Maybe he could be talked into agreeing to a judicial mechanism for terminating the pre-born fetus.

TheMightyHaltor October 9, 2012 at 12:29 am

Not rebellious fetuses.

Esteev October 9, 2012 at 9:18 am

For a few years at least. Then, BAM!

PugglesRule October 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Love the fetus, hate the child. Pro-birth, anti-life. It's the way of the Teahadi.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

What the Fuqua?

Karma_Suture October 8, 2012 at 6:02 pm

What a Fuquad! There

fixed.

vtxmcrider October 9, 2012 at 10:12 am

Now I understand why everyone called his mom Mother Fuqua.

hagajim October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

You know, if we purged our kids then the schools wouldn't need moar teachers.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"Education cuts" could take on a whole new meaning…

mavenmaven October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Home Schooling and Home Executions!

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The Do-It-Yourself Handbook.

starfanglednut October 8, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Order your child execution kit on Amazon for $9.99!

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Silly, only a few folks have the internet down in Arkansas. They'll sell them at Walmart for $4.99 a pop…for freedom.

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death.

And but two sentences later he mentions Jesus — go figure.

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Cannot upfist you enough for this comment.

Blueb4sinrise October 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bezoar October 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Thank you, that was very very good.

starfanglednut October 8, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Wookies for the WIN!

Isyaignert October 9, 2012 at 2:31 am

The way the 'cons tell the story, Jesus was a real dickhead and all of that pussy feeding the poor and caring for the sick stuff is so lame@ss. Viva greed!!

savethispatient October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I'd comment, but it'd seem a bit hypocritical, what with me having shaved the sides of my face and that I'm wearing a poly-cotton blend, which a clothing made of two kinds of thread.

So basically: STONE ME! (with votes)

Biel_ze_Bubba October 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Put down the bacon cheesburger, and we might let you live.

savethispatient October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hey, I'm a citizen now: give me my bacon cheeseburger, or give me death.

MacRaith October 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Given the amount of cholesterol in a typical bacon cheeseburger, those aren't mutually exclusive options.

Boojum October 8, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Stone ME, with legal marijuana!

Isyaignert October 9, 2012 at 2:32 am

Vote for cannabis legalization in Washington, Oregon and Colorado.

Native_of_SL_UT October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

This a great solution. Eventually this country will rid itself of religious nuts because their parents killed 'em.

kittensdontlie October 8, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Or more likely, the children would be removed from the homes of their parental nutcases by the courts.

jannut October 8, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Yea, like killing two bird(brains) with one stone!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 7:30 pm

And all the gun nuts will shoot each other.\

DerrickWildcat October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Here's the the link to his Blog. I posted it a few days ago, but here it is again, because it has to be seen to be believed. http://www.charliefuqua4staterep.com/blog

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Particularly amusing is the post about how lawyers are all shitbags subverting the intent of the law, signed "Charles R Fuqua, J.D."

Stone him, then kill him with fire!

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Then shun his ashes. SHUN THEM!

mbobier October 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Nothing could induce me to click on that link, man….

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 5:19 pm

This gem from one of his rants: "Lennon, the founder of Russian Communism, said that if you tell a lie loud enough and often enough people will believe it."

And this guy's a fucking lawyer?

And let's not forget Paul, George and Ringo, the other early leaders of the Comintern.

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

No one said he was any good at it.

starfanglednut October 8, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Yoko wept.

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Just as long as she doesn't sing.

MilwaukeeKent October 8, 2012 at 9:07 pm
LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Talk about yer creeping sharia! This guy seriously wants to impose a theocracy (or is that theo-crazy?):

Charles R. Fuqua, J.D., Author of God’s Law – The Only Political Solution

GodsLawForAmerica.com

HogeyeGrex October 9, 2012 at 2:34 am

God slaw goes great on Rabbi-n sammiches.

GunToting[Redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I'm very disappointed that none of his blog entries have comments. Needs moar buttsechs.

starfanglednut October 8, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Does he allow comments? let's go!

LastGasp October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

The death penalty for rebellious children…

Just when you think the GOP has, once again, gone too far, along comes a gem like this.

ElPinche October 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

And if Fuqua was running against NOBAMA, 50% of the people here in Dumbfuckistan would vote for him.

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I thought Fuqwad was running against Obama. These politics get me so confuzed.

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Everybody must get stoned.

kittensdontlie October 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

They'll stone you and then they'll say good luck.

jodyleek October 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

…in order to fully appreciate Fuqua's comic genius!

ElPinche October 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Come at me, bro….with a fully loaded bong

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

My, it's almost as if Mr. Fuqua doesn't believe that courts ever make mistakes in capital cases, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary.

poorgradstudent October 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I bet he's terrified of sharia law, also, too.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Fear is the prime motivator of most of these guys…

poorgradstudent October 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Very, depressingly true.

JustPixelz October 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Because it's too lenient?

poorgradstudent October 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Sharia law does require you to have a large number of reliable witnesses before you can execute an adulterous wife (so much so at least one historian I read thinks it was a deliberate way to defang an old Arabic custom), so…probably, yeah!

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:21 pm

PROOF!!1! You Lieberals are in league with them!!1!

poorgradstudent October 8, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I do like to tell my gay liberal Muslim friend that he's a triple threat.

Baconzgood October 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Well that's fucked up. But I would like to point out without Fuqua's helmet the immaculate reception would have never happened.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immaculate_Reception

new_pic_for_NEWTer October 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dude, that happened so long ago…

and as a die-hard Raiders fan, I'm still pissed.

GeorgiaBurning October 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

NEVER FORGET! That and the "tuck rule"

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

A Frenchy kiss of sorts.

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Jim Brown always had naked contempt for Franco Harris's running style of "tiptoeing out of bounds."

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Well, at least he's being consistent. You know, not cherry picking his dogma.

skmind October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

To make it fair, they should let the children bear arms.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And if killing them doesn't work out, you could try this little star chart I made, you just put it on the fridge and every time they behave they get a star, see?

jodyleek October 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

What are you, some kind of furry blue friendly monster?

ahnc October 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

If you don't obey Daddy, it is either hanging or the electric chair.
No lethal injection for you!

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Whoa! Stoning is the only method that receives the Religious Wingnut Seal of Approval. (Although crucifixion might be approved by Scalia. Original intent and all that.)

edgydrifter October 8, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Because what the world really needs is more legal ways to kill people.

weejee October 8, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Meh, killing is such a one time thing. We had good success with lashing the kidlets to the roof of the family car and running it through a car wash a few times. Also, too it's an easy way to get rid of those Halloween stickies.

kittensdontlie October 8, 2012 at 4:06 pm

If your city doesn't have a gate, one could convene a quorum of children on a playground to obtain the required verdict of death.

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Giv'em a fair trial an' then lynch'em from the playground swing.

imissopus October 8, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm withholding a total appraisal of him until I know where he stands on stop-sign slavery.

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Basil, are you posting here under a pseudonym?

Incitefully_Joe October 8, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death.

That's just be Charlie Fuqua is a bad Christian; if she's a better Christian, then she could totally think of one example, even if that example really proves that we should wipe out all bears, because bears are messengers from God.

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

How about that time when loving old dad put his only begotten son up on a cross to die for our sins?

Incitefully_Joe October 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Or that other time when different loving old dad was told to kill and burn his only son, though God may have just been screwing with him.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Not screwing with him, putting him on.

WhatTheHeck October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I just have a hunch that those verses apply only to brown and black chilluns.

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 6:29 pm

IIRC, Emmet Till was lynched for "disrespectin'" a white woman. Fuckwad just wants a return to "the good ol' days" when the nigras knew their place.

Kidneys4Sale October 8, 2012 at 6:43 pm

What'd I do?

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This sounds barbaric and horrible — on the other hand, it might've saved us from the Dubya administration. Not that George HW Bush would've been man enough to have his drunk asshole son who wanted to duke it out mano a mano executed. And 40 would probably be too late for that to happen anyway.

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Don't worry about GHWB. Barbara would have had him dead and in a jar by sundown.

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I'm thinking one of those extra-large tubs of mayo you can get at the warehouse grocery places.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

So, kinda like a late term abortion then?

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Well, back in Biblical times, Roman law was that fathers had right of life or death over their children up until 12, by which time they'd probably married them off and thus been able to dust their hands of them.

So clearly, it's what the Founding Fathers intended, because, y'know, they were all Apostles, or something.

Chow Yun Flat October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

"Wait until your father gets home… from the death court!" should keep them in line.

edgydrifter October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

If my daughter sass-talks at me, can't I just "stand my ground" and avoid all the hassle of going to court?

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

You know what they say "Spare the .357, spoil the child"

Stevola October 9, 2012 at 1:09 am

Haha, .357=Rod.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Jesus Burkas: It's just a matter of time.

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

No snark, but parents rape and kill their children every day and the "problems" seem to persist.

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Those aren't "approved." The Pro-Life Court has to approve all killings. Then they're OK. Bible sez, you know…

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

He should call it The Big Timeout for marketing purposes.

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:30 pm

hahaha

PugglesRule October 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm

The Endless Timeout….

coolhandnuke October 8, 2012 at 4:10 pm

All the kids hide when Fuqua drops by the Chucky Cheese for happy hour.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

These caramel hands make it hard for me to tpye.

WhaleChowder October 8, 2012 at 7:24 pm

You should have left them attached to the child, where they belong.

new_pic_for_NEWTer October 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

From this clown's blog: … Lennon, the founder of Russian Communism,…
How could he overlook Groucho's role as co-founder? The ignorance is astounding.

M. Bouffant October 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

All hail …

Dashboard Buddha October 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Indeed, how can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Instant Karma libel?

RufusTFirefly October 8, 2012 at 5:28 pm

As a Marxist-Lennonist, I can definitely confirm this.

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 7:13 pm

McCartney Libelz!

MosesInvests October 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm

He should be listening to the harmonies of Freud, Marx, Engels and Jung.

Lascauxcaveman October 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I dunno about Deuteronomy, but I used to use the 10 Commandments all the time whenever my little Catholic-school-educated daughters got a little snippy or whiny:

Me: Hey kiddo, put the Sims on pause mode; time to empty the dishwasher and set the table.

Kid: Awww, daaaaad…"

Me: THOU SHALT HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER!

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

This guy has a point, but I don't see why he's so selective. Here's who needs to be stoned to death, according to the Bible:

Adulterers: If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

Brides who aren't virgins: If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her … and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say … these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. … But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Non-Jews (there may be an exemption for Christians, but that's not mentioned in Deuteronomy): If there be found among you … that … hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them … Then shalt thou … stone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5 …. If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers … thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:5-10

Christine O'Donell and Sally Quinn: A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

The entire NHL if they play on Sunday (Or Saturday?): They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. … And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones…. And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. Numbers 15:32-56

Blasphemers: And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16

(so much for Wonkette!)

Jus_Wonderin October 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Well, we are just stoned in our own special ways…every day…or night.

Baconzgood October 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Jesus Christ jumping up and down and dancing like a fairy that's God damn fucked up shit.

WhatTheHeck October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Dok, you gotta stop writing on Sundays re: Christianistas, otherwise you’ll get stoned.
Oh wait… too late.

savethispatient October 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

So the NHL strike and lockout is actually very pious!

Dashboard Buddha October 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

"Brides who aren't virgins"

Oh dear, this could cause trouble for me this Friday night.

Rotundo_ October 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

So this "virginity token" thing, is it like the ones at Chucky Cheeses' or arcades and stuff? Ya pop a buck in the machine and 4 of them pop out in the little dish below? This demystifies all that abstinence education shit the republicans ranted about: All you gotta do to get your virginity back is pop a buck in a machine, get your "virginity tokens and off you go, pure and chaste until the next time you need to get off. It explains the pregnancy rates among all those virgins with pledge rings and the resulting kids can pop mom's virginity tokens in the whack-a-mole machine on their birthday.

RufusTFirefly October 8, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Isn't all this stoning with stones a bit redundant? What else are you gonna stone somebody with? Gravel?

PsycWench October 8, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I prefer sinsemilla myself.

GunToting[Redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I'd prefer to be stoned with throw pillows.

Woodshedding October 8, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Christ! We've had high winds here and yesterday I was out in the yard, I kid you not, GATHERING STICKS.

Can i go get stoned now?

Isyaignert October 9, 2012 at 2:39 am

yes

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:36 pm

What are you doing?! You could have banked some more of that sweet Wonkette recompense with that!

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Nah, when I'm getting paid, I have to do more than copypasta.

Mind you, not a LOT more….

barto October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Respect my authoritay!

deanbooth October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Does downloading a ginormous file while Dad's trying to work online count? I'd settle for "a night in the box."

BornInATrailer October 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

People. Context.

Goonemeritus October 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

“Your Editrix, being the mama of an 18-year-old man”

You should be aware of the critical fact that there really is no such thing as an 18 year old man. Men as a group don’t achieve the ability for abstract reason until around 32 years of age until that time they are basically hairy children.

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

That's why I refused to marry one who wasn't at least 40. It worked fairly well.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I have to say that, as an under-32, my bf, who *is* 32, would heartily agree with you. Though I am *not* hairy!

emmelemm October 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Tyler York – Case In Point.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Well played, sir or madam!

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 10:55 pm

BTW, I do not believe our Editix has an 18 year old. I just can't believe that. lol

Esteev October 9, 2012 at 9:19 am

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Sure takes some balls to declare a baby Fatwa.

Schmegeg October 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Let's wait for the final word from Scalia.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

He says it's a no-brainer. For once, I can sort of agree.

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

If you need a death threat in order to have parental authority with your kids, it's too late to have parental authority with your kids.

Fairtackle October 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

That seems a bit extreme. Maybe taking a sensible middle stance like making it legal to rape your children would be a more reasonable solution.

JustPixelz October 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Deuteronomy no doubt has death penalty for worshipping graven images such as teh Jebus on a stick I see in church. (OK, in movies that take place in a church.)

larrykat October 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Hold on, he did say it would only rarely be used.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Oh, well, in THAT case…

subsum October 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Let Arkansas be Arkansas. The less attention we pay to them the better. Soon enough they'll be living under Biblical law and they'll be killing each other in droves, which will spare us the trouble of having to deal with them. Let them go Fuqua themselves.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Maybe it's 'cause it's near Halloween, but I keep picturing that preacher in the "Poltergeist" movies.

"God is innnnnnn His holy TEM-ple…"

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I'd gladly let Arkansas go had it not produced Bill Clinton. I can not let that place go so easily.

Eve8Apples October 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Finally, the GOP gets behind death panels. What took you so long GOP?

obfuscator2 October 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

i'm sure the fisher price "my first death panel" playset will be the hottest item come black friday.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Just when I think they've topped out on the cray-cray.

Toomush_Infer October 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

This just does not go far enough!: what about the grandchildren, disrespectful little twerps that they are -can't we stone them, occasionally, or at least gravel them?….and dogs and cats – disobedient as they are – a good booting from time to time could be helpful….and the weather, what could we do about the weather?….

Jus_Wonderin October 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

"and the weather, what could we do about the weather"

Don't the gays control that?

DemmeFatale October 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Why, just this morning one of my dogs bit a worm in half and tried to roll in it!
And let's not talk about how they don't come when called.
Little bastards!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 7:35 pm

And what about that yutz who stole my parking space, even though I *clearly* had my blinker on?
Gravel him!

BlueStateLibel October 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Holy cow, can you image the immense court system this would require? Would a kid laughing at a parent's mommy jeans be cause to invoke this law? How about laughing at the old folks' music? Not drinking your Ovaltine?

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I'm sure a certain "textualist" thinks it's a no-brainer that you should kill… AOT,K.

Native_of_SL_UT October 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I know that nothing could get my child to love me more than threatening to kill him.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Happy Monday everybody! At least it's only 2 months or so until the world ends!

Isyaignert October 9, 2012 at 2:45 am

We spell it "Moanday" around here and yay – the world's going to end on my birthday! Oh world, how did you know what I'd been wishing for all these years? Not!

manarchist October 8, 2012 at 4:29 pm

At least this will stop those kids from complaining about school lunches

doloras October 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Technically, this guy's just jonesing for the days of Ancient Rome, when the paterfamilias had the power of life and death over his whole family – slaves, children and even wife. So it's not just the Bible's fault this time.

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Since he's talking about Deuteronomy, he might be jonesing for something slightly older than Ancient Rome at its height.

MinAgain October 8, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I wouldn't have survived past my 13th year.

Blueb4sinrise October 8, 2012 at 4:33 pm

In 1997, Charlie was elected to the Arkansas Legislature and served on the Judiciary and Children and Families Committees. As Arkansas State Representative, he was awarded the “Friend Of The Family” award from the Arkansas Christian Coalition. He has also been a qualified Gideon Church speaker, board member and legal counsel for the Crisis Pregnancy Center of Rogers, Arkansas, board member for the Richardson Center in Fayetteville, Arkansas, a mediation panelist for the Christian Justice Center of Northwest Arkansas, and coach of a youth roller hockey team. He has also served as a board member and president on the board of the Alpha Pregnancy Center in Batesville, Arkansas.

http://www.charliefuqua4staterep.com/biography

Check out the photo. If that baby pees………….

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I think he's eating that baby's head…

Blueb4sinrise October 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

We need to find out where that baby is RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:02 pm

he went to college on the G.I. Bill

Of course he did. *sigh* And I bet he thinks everyone else are government dependents and moochers.

HelmutNewton October 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

While we're at it, we might as well bring back mass murder, slavery, treating women as chattel and killing people for working on Sundays. Because Jeebus!!

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Isn't that the Romney/Ryan campaign platform?

GeorgiaBurning October 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

2016. Patience, first the tax cuts.

DahBoner October 8, 2012 at 6:05 pm

No beard trims. Back to 70's porn….

mustangsavvy October 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"…..it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents."

There is nothing that can go horribly wrong with this plan. Not at all like what happens in any and every horror movie involving whacked out kids. This is a totally fail proof plan. Implement at once!!

(OMFG, these people….)

Chichikovovich October 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Ms. Schoenkopf, you have not been careful to adhere to the tenets of good journalism here. Nowhere in this piece do you say what party affiliation this candidate has, and I simply can't figure it out.

I sure hope he's not a Democratic candidate. The uncertainty is driving me batty.

M. Bouffant October 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

He's not even a Republican.

Seriously, he only identifies himself as "conservative." Write-in candidate?

Fundraiser:

This event will begin at 6:30PM on October the 9th at Bryan's Grill in Batesville.

Your Attendence is Greatly Appreciated.

Various speakers will be in attendence. Speeches will be kept to a minimum, but plenty of time to mingle and ask questions.

The cost is $25 per plate.

There will be no alchohol [sic] served.

We are asking everyone to purchase their plate using Paypal.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 5:13 pm

His website says only "Conservative"

Draw your own conclusions.

weejee October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

OT, latest Gallop has Bamz back up by 5. So much for Willard's debase bounce.

Dashboard Buddha October 8, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I think Barry played it low to give Rmoney a false sense of hope…he will crush the Hairmiester over the next two debates.

Bezoar October 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

He Goddamn well better or I'm gonna want my money back. Goddamn democrats. Could fuck up a wet dream.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Still think it was more the mistaken assumption that Romney might feel any desire to be remotely consistent with policy positions he'd stated publicly and posted to his website when discussing his own campaign, or the actual facts of what Obama's done and proposed while discussing the President.

In other words, someone hadn't been reading Steve Benen.

GunToting[Redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Dead cats etc…

AddHomonym October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

"…there is no greater love then [sic] that…"

Ugh! To me, "then" is the thing that rankles the most about his statement. That, or "safe guard." Did this guy pay NO ATTENTION in Language Arts?!?!

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Of course not, he completely fails at all humanities.

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Language Arts is an elective in Arkansas schools. But in the required "Stoning Techniques for Potential Christian Parents" course he got a B+.

bikerlaureate October 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Among contributors to Fuqua's campaign –
Michelle and former Republican legislator Jim Bob Duggar — $250.

(Yup, those Duggars.)

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2012 at 8:51 pm

$250 they "earned" pimping their children.

PugglesRule October 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I bet that's how the Duggars keep their 802 children in line. "If you disrespect us, we will BURY you." LIterally.

MinAgain October 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Your move, Tennessee.

Lot_49 October 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Old Len Cohen gave this very topic some thought:

You who build these altars now
To sacrifice these children:
You must not do it anymore.
A scheme is not a vision
And you never have been tempted
By a demon or a god.
You who stand above them now,
Your hatchets blunt and bloody,
You were not there before—
When I lay upon a mountain
And my father's hand was trembling
With the beauty of The Word.

a_pink_poodle October 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Holy hell it's like whenever we joke about another extreme right wingers will go to, they actually go through with it!

We need to stop that, least they actually go ahead with forcing victims of rape marry their rapists or miscellaneous.

Troglodeity October 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

"The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly." This kind of statement is what suffices for reasonableness and moderation in today's Republican Party.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

GOP = Grand Old Parody

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It's not just what suffices, it's what most closely resembles reasonableness and moderation.

Indiepalin October 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Be forewarned, any of you ignorant hippie children who plan on toilet-papering my house on Halloween.

PugglesRule October 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Kind of like that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where Weasley Crusher was condemned to die because he stepped on the grass on some otherwise idyllic planet. "The punishment is death!"

Beowoof October 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Killing people, always a positive idea for conservatives.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 6:34 pm

It's kind of their go-to plan.

Bezoar October 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

This guy needs to compel respect from his children because he can't elicit it any other way?

Dashboard Buddha October 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

He's still scarred from the time when he was a child and his mom had to tie a pork chop around his neck so at least the dog would play with him.

Tequila Mockingbird October 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Oh but wait, here's a conundrum: what if a fetus lies to its parents? WHAT THEN? Hmmm?

DahBoner October 8, 2012 at 6:03 pm

See Episode #32,567 of The Good Wife.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Damn lying fetuses. Can't trust 'em.

Bezoar October 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

And hey, isn't that picture from the movie "Village of the Damned"? From the book "The Midwhich Cuckoos" by John Wyndham?

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I believe it's a frame from "The Bad Seed".
Fun trivia fact: Patty McCormick, the pigtail-sporting young actor who played the titular bad seed, recently played Adriana's mother on "The Sopranos".

YasserArraFeck October 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hm – might work better than threatening to ground them. "Kids, pack the dishwasher, or I'm shipping you off to Little Rock to be slaughtered"

rickmaci October 8, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Fucking Father's Day at the Fuqua house must be a total fear fest. MOOOOOAR PRESENTS OR ELSE!!!

viennawoods13 October 8, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Fuckwad? Seriously? That's poetry, man.

TootsStansbury October 8, 2012 at 5:14 pm

LOL! Old Jonathan Swift ain't got nothing on this guy! Haha!

Wait. Huh?

Generation[redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I hate it when these pols come up with such half-baked ideas. After we kill the children, how shall we cook and eat them? The American voter deserves to know!

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 5:25 pm

This is pure insanity.

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Yes. But it is what passes for religion in some places. I'm sure that Arkansas isn't the only state where his ideas would get an "Amen, brother!"

chascates October 8, 2012 at 5:25 pm

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from the bank as a catfish bait."

Thedongsofwar October 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I love how his website lists "protecting the sanctity of life" as one of his key issues.

CommieLibunatic October 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

So, out with the old, in with the older?

Boojum October 8, 2012 at 5:41 pm

So, the Christians are in favor of a judicial termination option for post-born fetuses. How do they feel about judicially sanctioned termination of pre-born fetuses?

rickmaci October 8, 2012 at 5:43 pm

On the other hand, when he says "no wire hangers", his sprouts probably pay attention.

kyeshinka October 8, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Good thing I go to Korean-language services. I have a good excuse of not knowing what the hell is going on and where the fuck this stuff is written.

DahBoner October 8, 2012 at 5:59 pm

They're basically Obama Deathpanels, but no one is forcing you to buy car insurance…

calliecallie October 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

"The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21"

Where was this guy when my rebellious stepdaughter was making our lives a living hell? I cannot adequately describe in words how awful she was, but the Bad Seed pic comes close. I actually started going to church when she was living with us, because nothing short of a miracle would help.

Today she is over 30 and raising a child of her own. Can't wait to see the Karma.

owhatever October 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

If a maid unto the city is dishonoring her parents and the man with whom she lieth, then the elders of the high school shall gather at the city gates to determine how virginal she is not and what a little bitch she isith with her iPodeth and pink undergarments and she shall no longer liveth with her parents, nor the man with whom she layethd, and might become an abomination or a governor or secretary of state if allowed to live, and we can't have that shitith.

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm

That's from Sheriff Joe Arpaio's website, right?

BoatOfVelociraptors October 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Ma'am, I'm afraid you misread your map. The Taliban are in Afghanistan, not Arkansas.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Lies, and this guy, made baby Jesus cry.

Gleem McShineys October 8, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Guys! I just had this awful nightmare! It was a little convoluted, but basically, The Onion formed an army and went totalitarian rogue. They took over the world and every single thing was turned into the biggest fucking joke! Nothing ever could be taken seriously ever again!

IT WAS HORRIBLE

fuflans October 8, 2012 at 6:46 pm

culling the herd people, culling the herd.

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Can we at least agree that Tyler York needs to have his ass whupped?

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Come on. It could never happen here.

Comrade Wingtardd October 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm

When the Fuquas first landed at Ellis Island they were actually named "Pig Fucker," then just "Fucker" and finally "Fuqua" when they showed up in Arkansas and no one knew how to spell.

LibrarianX October 8, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Fuqua! No football for you, bitch!!

Chet Kincaid_ October 8, 2012 at 7:26 pm

What the fuck is this thing about not finding any parents killing their kids in the Bible?! Is the Bible supposed to be a police blotter recording every instance of 6,000 years of domestic violence?!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 7:36 pm

"This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children."

*relieved*
Oh. That's OK, then.

LibrarianX October 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Someone should lock this fool in a room and play The Ramones at 120db for about 72 hours.

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm

There isn't (?? grammar?) enough Ramones in the world for that. Their songs are like 1 minute and 50 seconds long each. You could play all of them in about 3 hours.

LibrarianX October 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I meant the MEGA-Ramones mix loop. Obviously.

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 7:57 pm

As usual, George Carlin was ahead of the curve:
"I offer a plan: Legal Murder Once a Month. Under this plan, [...] each person in America will be allowed to kill one other person [...] But you can't kill just anybody. It's not random. Each month there will be a different type of person it's OK to kill. [...] one for blood relatives. In fact you might even need a week. [...] A festival! The Seven Dead Relatives Festival! Christmas week! Lots of old, festering, pathological flotsam [...] And forgive what may seem a tacky note, but this plan might also simplify your Xmas shopping. [...] take note, those of you who aren't married and are merely living together will not be allowed to kill each other until you have taken your sacred vows."
Braindroppings, pp 174-5

owhatever October 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Wait a minute. Did God go before a court to get permission to kill his Son, who is also God, which therefore makes it divine suicide? I thought the Jews did it, not an angry parent. Seems a bit harsh.

MosesInvests October 8, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Uh, Romans, actually.

owhatever October 8, 2012 at 11:34 pm

<DIV style=”font-family:Arial, sans-serif; font-size:10pt;”>Don't forget that one was from Florida.— notifications@intensedebatemail.com wrote:

Isyaignert October 9, 2012 at 2:53 am

I was just discussing my Catholic schooling with my husband today. I recalled asking questions in third grade such as, "How could there be three beings on one, etc". and the nun telling me, "There are some things you're just not supposed to understand." That's when they lost me and I've never been back.

MosesInvests October 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm

What do I do if my kid says "Jehovah"?

bobbert October 8, 2012 at 10:59 pm

"Gesundheit".

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Sharia law libel!

area51 October 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm

This could get interesting. Deuteronomy 21:18-21, the bible passage by which Fuqua justifies stoning sassy children to death, also enjoins parents to stone their children to death if they get fat.

Zango Crudmonger October 9, 2012 at 2:10 am

Oh for fucks' sake, let's just bio-engineer a proper Minotaur for killing the children. Stoning is soooo last year – in Iran.

IndianaKevin October 9, 2012 at 6:42 am

From Fuqua's site:

That is, that God wants us to freely choose to love, warship, and serve him because we understand that he loved us while we were in the unlovable state of complete rebellion to him.

See?! God WANTS us to warship him!

PennyDreadful October 9, 2012 at 10:06 am

Argh. That's probably exactly how he pronounces "worship". There's a landscaping company here called "Own the Rocks" and I cringe every time I drive past, because you just know when those people say "on the rocks" it comes out "own the rocks". And now we have "warship". I need to go bleach my ears.

ttommyunger October 9, 2012 at 8:00 am

NOW, he tells me!

mrblifil October 9, 2012 at 11:06 am

There's a lot of kids right now. We probably wouldn't miss a few.

keinsignal October 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Actually the Bible does document at least one case of a parent murdering their child, although not for disobedience… Just the opposite, in a way.

From Judges, chapter 11:
30 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

31 Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.

32 So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the Lord delivered them into his hands.

33 And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.

34 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.

35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I cannot go back.

36 And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the Lord hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.

37 And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.

38 And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.

39 And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed.

[edit: whoops, this was meant to be a reply to Chet's "police blotter" comment above]

Iam_Who_Iam October 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Wow. I thought I was pretty good about knowing all the crazy stuff in the bible but I had somehow missed that one. I read what you posted, then read it again to make sure I had read what I thought I had read, then looked it up to make sure it was accurate, and then finally pulled out my old catholic bible complete with footnotes to see what they had to say about it. Funny thing is, they really don't have much to say about it at all. The only relevant footnote reads:

*11,37: [...] daughter asks permission to mourn the fact that she will be put to death before she can bear children.

Uh-huh, yeah, cuz that's the tragedy of it all, the virgin bit, not that burnt offering part.

pinupgirl123 October 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Shouldn't the politicians be on the chopping block first?

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