Kill it with fireYour Editrix, being the mama of an 18-year-old man, is not entirely unamenable to the ideas proposed by Arkansas’s latest political fameball, one Charlie Fuqua, a candidate for the Arkansas House who’s just the last in a long string of thoughtful and wise natives to the state. Not only is she not necessarily unamenable, but in fact, she’s downright intrigued! What does Charlie Fuqua want? He wants us to kill all children who disrespect their parents, Old Testament-styley. Let us explore this brave old world, together!

The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:

This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children. I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death. Why is this so? Other than the love Christ has for us, there is no greater love then [sic] that of a parent for their child. The last people who would want to see a child put to death would be the parents of the child. Even so, the Scrpture provides a safe guard to protect children from parents who would wrongly exercise the death penalty against them. Parents are required to bring their children to the gate of the city. The gate of the city was the place where the elders of the city met and made judicial pronouncements. In other words, the parents were required to take their children to a court of law and lay out their case before the proper judicial authority, and let the judicial authority determine if the child should be put to death. I know of many cases of rebellious children, however, I cannot think of one case where I believe that a parent had given up on their child to the point that they would have taken their child to a court of law and asked the court to rule that the child be put to death. Even though this procedure would rarely be used, if it were the law of land, it would give parents authority. Children would know that their parents had authority and it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents.

Pussies. KILL THEM! Retroactive abortions for everyone! But really, mostly for him.

[ArkTimes, via HuffPo]

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  • DrunkIrishman

    Can we start with the Romney Boys?

    • hagajim

      Yeah – Mitt said they lied to him all the time – disrespectful little pricks.

    • red_kira

      Hell, can we start with Romney? Isn't there a Michael J. Fox movie about that?

    • HogeyeGrex

      I am wondering if I can adopt Mr. Fuqua

  • BadKitty904

    When he offers up one of his children or grandchildren on the State Altar in front of the Arkansas Capitol building, he'll get my vote…

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'd be somewhat pleased if he would "offer up" his children to serve in the US military in Afghanistan or some other hell-hole instead of searching for deferments. If he would figuratively or literally bring his children to the altar to even consider such a thing I would only hope that he'd fall down the community well on his way there. What a toad-fuck!

      The asshole is a "pro-life" Baptist by the way. Yeah.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with this person?

  • JudasPeckerwood

    Think of the children! Then kill them.

    • sullivanst

      Won't someone please kill all the children, for the children?

      • We had to kill the child in order to save it.

      • kittensdontlie

        For godness sakes, I love them to death!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Funny how these cocksuckers are always going on about Islam being the religion of death

  • Come here a minute

    Idle threats are the future of parenting.

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Ann Couter was lovely at that age, with the pigtails and everything.

  • coolhandnuke

    If Fuqua is such a true believer in Old Testament rules, shouldn't he head down to the local Red Lobster and go postal on all those shellfish-eating abominations.

    • BadKitty904

      Mix linen and woolen fibers in your clothing* and it's Guantanamo for *you*, ya fashion heathens!

      *Leviticus 19:19

    • Schmannnity

      Not during Endless Shrimp in Arkansas!

      • BadKitty904

        Dude, just try and take away their pork* in Arkansas. No more bbq'd pulled pork sammiches for *them* good ol' boys…

        *Leviticus 11:7-8; Deuteronomy 14:8

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Bacon cheeseburgers- that's two abominations in one sandwich.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Delicious abominations!

  • dr_giraud

    "Proper procedure" sounds an awful lot like regulations. Is he a closet liberal?


    • sullivanst

      Strangely enough, I believe stoning is "the proper procedure".

      • MacRaith

        "Everybody must get stoned!"

        • I don't think that's what he meant, but … yes.

  • Geminisunmars

    My parents would have so gotten behind that.

  • Sue4466

    Is this them morals they keep saying you only get through religion?

    • Yup. This and offering your virgin daughters for an angry mob to rape in the name of hospitality

  • jodyleek

    That's a relief! I wondered what I was going to do after my kid stopped believing in Santa.

  • mavenmaven

    Apparently, as we learned during the debate. they used to lie to their parents all the time…

  • Radiotherapy

    Fetus, however, shall live.

    • Boojum

      It sounds to me like he is in favor of a judicial mechanism for killing the post-born fetuses (which is what I intend to call all humans, from now until the Christianists stop calling blobs of goo "persons").

      Maybe he could be talked into agreeing to a judicial mechanism for terminating the pre-born fetus.

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Not rebellious fetuses.

    • Esteev

      For a few years at least. Then, BAM!

    • PugglesRule

      Love the fetus, hate the child. Pro-birth, anti-life. It's the way of the Teahadi.

  • sullivanst

    What the Fuqua?

    • Karma_Suture

      What a Fuquad! There


    • vtxmcrider

      Now I understand why everyone called his mom Mother Fuqua.

  • hagajim

    You know, if we purged our kids then the schools wouldn't need moar teachers.

    • BadKitty904

      "Education cuts" could take on a whole new meaning…

  • mavenmaven

    Home Schooling and Home Executions!

    • Geminisunmars

      The Do-It-Yourself Handbook.

      • Order your child execution kit on Amazon for $9.99!

        • Negropolis

          Silly, only a few folks have the internet down in Arkansas. They'll sell them at Walmart for $4.99 a pop…for freedom.

  • I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death.

    And but two sentences later he mentions Jesus — go figure.

    • LesBontemps

      Cannot upfist you enough for this comment.

    • Blueb4sinrise


    • Bezoar

      Thank you, that was very very good.

    • Wookies for the WIN!

    • Isyaignert

      The way the 'cons tell the story, Jesus was a real dickhead and all of that pussy feeding the poor and caring for the sick stuff is so lame@ss. Viva greed!!

  • savethispatient

    I'd comment, but it'd seem a bit hypocritical, what with me having shaved the sides of my face and that I'm wearing a poly-cotton blend, which a clothing made of two kinds of thread.

    So basically: STONE ME! (with votes)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Put down the bacon cheesburger, and we might let you live.

      • savethispatient

        Hey, I'm a citizen now: give me my bacon cheeseburger, or give me death.

        • MacRaith

          Given the amount of cholesterol in a typical bacon cheeseburger, those aren't mutually exclusive options.

    • Boojum

      Stone ME, with legal marijuana!

      • Isyaignert

        Vote for cannabis legalization in Washington, Oregon and Colorado.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    This a great solution. Eventually this country will rid itself of religious nuts because their parents killed 'em.

    • kittensdontlie

      Or more likely, the children would be removed from the homes of their parental nutcases by the courts.

    • jannut

      Yea, like killing two bird(brains) with one stone!

    • tessiee

      And all the gun nuts will shoot each other.\

  • Here's the the link to his Blog. I posted it a few days ago, but here it is again, because it has to be seen to be believed.

    • sullivanst

      Particularly amusing is the post about how lawyers are all shitbags subverting the intent of the law, signed "Charles R Fuqua, J.D."

      Stone him, then kill him with fire!

      • BadKitty904

        Then shun his ashes. SHUN THEM!

    • mbobier

      Nothing could induce me to click on that link, man….

    • YasserArraFeck

      This gem from one of his rants: "Lennon, the founder of Russian Communism, said that if you tell a lie loud enough and often enough people will believe it."

      And this guy's a fucking lawyer?

      And let's not forget Paul, George and Ringo, the other early leaders of the Comintern.

    • LesBontemps

      Talk about yer creeping sharia! This guy seriously wants to impose a theocracy (or is that theo-crazy?):

      Charles R. Fuqua, J.D., Author of God’s Law – The Only Political Solution

      • HogeyeGrex

        God slaw goes great on Rabbi-n sammiches.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I'm very disappointed that none of his blog entries have comments. Needs moar buttsechs.

  • LastGasp

    The death penalty for rebellious children…

    Just when you think the GOP has, once again, gone too far, along comes a gem like this.

  • ElPinche

    And if Fuqua was running against NOBAMA, 50% of the people here in Dumbfuckistan would vote for him.

    • Geminisunmars

      I thought Fuqwad was running against Obama. These politics get me so confuzed.

  • Radiotherapy

    Everybody must get stoned.

    • kittensdontlie

      They'll stone you and then they'll say good luck.

    • jodyleek

      …in order to fully appreciate Fuqua's comic genius!

    • ElPinche

      Come at me, bro….with a fully loaded bong

  • sullivanst

    My, it's almost as if Mr. Fuqua doesn't believe that courts ever make mistakes in capital cases, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary.

  • poorgradstudent

    I bet he's terrified of sharia law, also, too.

    • BadKitty904

      Fear is the prime motivator of most of these guys…

      • poorgradstudent

        Very, depressingly true.

    • JustPixelz

      Because it's too lenient?

      • poorgradstudent

        Sharia law does require you to have a large number of reliable witnesses before you can execute an adulterous wife (so much so at least one historian I read thinks it was a deliberate way to defang an old Arabic custom), so…probably, yeah!

        • PROOF!!1! You Lieberals are in league with them!!1!

          • poorgradstudent

            I do like to tell my gay liberal Muslim friend that he's a triple threat.

  • Baconzgood

    Well that's fucked up. But I would like to point out without Fuqua's helmet the immaculate reception would have never happened.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Dude, that happened so long ago…

      and as a die-hard Raiders fan, I'm still pissed.

      • GeorgiaBurning

        NEVER FORGET! That and the "tuck rule"

    • Radiotherapy

      A Frenchy kiss of sorts.

    • Jim Brown always had naked contempt for Franco Harris's running style of "tiptoeing out of bounds."

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, at least he's being consistent. You know, not cherry picking his dogma.

  • To make it fair, they should let the children bear arms.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    And if killing them doesn't work out, you could try this little star chart I made, you just put it on the fridge and every time they behave they get a star, see?

    • jodyleek

      What are you, some kind of furry blue friendly monster?

  • ahnc

    If you don't obey Daddy, it is either hanging or the electric chair.
    No lethal injection for you!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Whoa! Stoning is the only method that receives the Religious Wingnut Seal of Approval. (Although crucifixion might be approved by Scalia. Original intent and all that.)

  • edgydrifter

    Because what the world really needs is more legal ways to kill people.

  • Meh, killing is such a one time thing. We had good success with lashing the kidlets to the roof of the family car and running it through a car wash a few times. Also, too it's an easy way to get rid of those Halloween stickies.

  • kittensdontlie

    If your city doesn't have a gate, one could convene a quorum of children on a playground to obtain the required verdict of death.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Giv'em a fair trial an' then lynch'em from the playground swing.

  • I'm withholding a total appraisal of him until I know where he stands on stop-sign slavery.

    • Basil, are you posting here under a pseudonym?

  • I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death.

    That's just be Charlie Fuqua is a bad Christian; if she's a better Christian, then she could totally think of one example, even if that example really proves that we should wipe out all bears, because bears are messengers from God.

    • Radiotherapy

      How about that time when loving old dad put his only begotten son up on a cross to die for our sins?

      • Or that other time when different loving old dad was told to kill and burn his only son, though God may have just been screwing with him.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I just have a hunch that those verses apply only to brown and black chilluns.

    • YasserArraFeck

      IIRC, Emmet Till was lynched for "disrespectin'" a white woman. Fuckwad just wants a return to "the good ol' days" when the nigras knew their place.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      What'd I do?

  • This sounds barbaric and horrible — on the other hand, it might've saved us from the Dubya administration. Not that George HW Bush would've been man enough to have his drunk asshole son who wanted to duke it out mano a mano executed. And 40 would probably be too late for that to happen anyway.

    • Schmannnity

      Don't worry about GHWB. Barbara would have had him dead and in a jar by sundown.

      • I'm thinking one of those extra-large tubs of mayo you can get at the warehouse grocery places.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    So, kinda like a late term abortion then?

    • sullivanst

      Well, back in Biblical times, Roman law was that fathers had right of life or death over their children up until 12, by which time they'd probably married them off and thus been able to dust their hands of them.

      So clearly, it's what the Founding Fathers intended, because, y'know, they were all Apostles, or something.

  • "Wait until your father gets home… from the death court!" should keep them in line.

  • edgydrifter

    If my daughter sass-talks at me, can't I just "stand my ground" and avoid all the hassle of going to court?

    • YasserArraFeck

      You know what they say "Spare the .357, spoil the child"

      • Stevola

        Haha, .357=Rod.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Jesus Burkas: It's just a matter of time.

  • Schmannnity

    No snark, but parents rape and kill their children every day and the "problems" seem to persist.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Those aren't "approved." The Pro-Life Court has to approve all killings. Then they're OK. Bible sez, you know…

  • Schmannnity

    He should call it The Big Timeout for marketing purposes.

  • coolhandnuke

    All the kids hide when Fuqua drops by the Chucky Cheese for happy hour.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    These caramel hands make it hard for me to tpye.

    • WhaleChowder

      You should have left them attached to the child, where they belong.

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    From this clown's blog: … Lennon, the founder of Russian Communism,…
    How could he overlook Groucho's role as co-founder? The ignorance is astounding.

    • All hail …

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Indeed, how can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Instant Karma libel?

    • As a Marxist-Lennonist, I can definitely confirm this.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      McCartney Libelz!

    • MosesInvests

      He should be listening to the harmonies of Freud, Marx, Engels and Jung.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I dunno about Deuteronomy, but I used to use the 10 Commandments all the time whenever my little Catholic-school-educated daughters got a little snippy or whiny:

    Me: Hey kiddo, put the Sims on pause mode; time to empty the dishwasher and set the table.

    Kid: Awww, daaaaad…"


  • Doktor Zoom

    This guy has a point, but I don't see why he's so selective. Here's who needs to be stoned to death, according to the Bible:

    Adulterers: If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

    Brides who aren't virgins: If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her … and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say … these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. … But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

    Non-Jews (there may be an exemption for Christians, but that's not mentioned in Deuteronomy): If there be found among you … that … hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them … Then shalt thou … stone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5 …. If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers … thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:5-10

    Christine O'Donell and Sally Quinn: A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

    The entire NHL if they play on Sunday (Or Saturday?): They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. … And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones…. And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. Numbers 15:32-56

    Blasphemers: And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16

    (so much for Wonkette!)

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Well, we are just stoned in our own special ways…every day…or night.

    • Baconzgood

      Jesus Christ jumping up and down and dancing like a fairy that's God damn fucked up shit.

      • WhatTheHeck

        Dok, you gotta stop writing on Sundays re: Christianistas, otherwise you’ll get stoned.
        Oh wait… too late.

    • savethispatient

      So the NHL strike and lockout is actually very pious!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Brides who aren't virgins"

      Oh dear, this could cause trouble for me this Friday night.

    • Rotundo_

      So this "virginity token" thing, is it like the ones at Chucky Cheeses' or arcades and stuff? Ya pop a buck in the machine and 4 of them pop out in the little dish below? This demystifies all that abstinence education shit the republicans ranted about: All you gotta do to get your virginity back is pop a buck in a machine, get your "virginity tokens and off you go, pure and chaste until the next time you need to get off. It explains the pregnancy rates among all those virgins with pledge rings and the resulting kids can pop mom's virginity tokens in the whack-a-mole machine on their birthday.

    • Isn't all this stoning with stones a bit redundant? What else are you gonna stone somebody with? Gravel?

      • PsycWench

        I prefer sinsemilla myself.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I'd prefer to be stoned with throw pillows.

    • Woodshedding

      Christ! We've had high winds here and yesterday I was out in the yard, I kid you not, GATHERING STICKS.

      Can i go get stoned now?

      • Isyaignert


    • What are you doing?! You could have banked some more of that sweet Wonkette recompense with that!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Nah, when I'm getting paid, I have to do more than copypasta.

        Mind you, not a LOT more….

  • barto

    Respect my authoritay!

  • Does downloading a ginormous file while Dad's trying to work online count? I'd settle for "a night in the box."

  • BornInATrailer

    People. Context.

  • Goonemeritus

    “Your Editrix, being the mama of an 18-year-old man”

    You should be aware of the critical fact that there really is no such thing as an 18 year old man. Men as a group don’t achieve the ability for abstract reason until around 32 years of age until that time they are basically hairy children.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's why I refused to marry one who wasn't at least 40. It worked fairly well.

    • BadKitty904

      I have to say that, as an under-32, my bf, who *is* 32, would heartily agree with you. Though I am *not* hairy!

    • emmelemm

      Tyler York – Case In Point.

      • BadKitty904

        Well played, sir or madam!

    • Negropolis

      BTW, I do not believe our Editix has an 18 year old. I just can't believe that. lol

    • Esteev

      Hey, I resemble that remark!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Sure takes some balls to declare a baby Fatwa.

  • Schmegeg

    Let's wait for the final word from Scalia.

    • sullivanst

      He says it's a no-brainer. For once, I can sort of agree.

  • LesBontemps

    If you need a death threat in order to have parental authority with your kids, it's too late to have parental authority with your kids.

  • Fairtackle

    That seems a bit extreme. Maybe taking a sensible middle stance like making it legal to rape your children would be a more reasonable solution.

  • JustPixelz

    Deuteronomy no doubt has death penalty for worshipping graven images such as teh Jebus on a stick I see in church. (OK, in movies that take place in a church.)

  • larrykat

    Hold on, he did say it would only rarely be used.

    • BadKitty904

      Oh, well, in THAT case…

  • subsum

    Let Arkansas be Arkansas. The less attention we pay to them the better. Soon enough they'll be living under Biblical law and they'll be killing each other in droves, which will spare us the trouble of having to deal with them. Let them go Fuqua themselves.

    • BadKitty904

      Maybe it's 'cause it's near Halloween, but I keep picturing that preacher in the "Poltergeist" movies.

      "God is innnnnnn His holy TEM-ple…"

    • Negropolis

      I'd gladly let Arkansas go had it not produced Bill Clinton. I can not let that place go so easily.

  • Eve8Apples

    Finally, the GOP gets behind death panels. What took you so long GOP?

  • obfuscator2

    i'm sure the fisher price "my first death panel" playset will be the hottest item come black friday.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Just when I think they've topped out on the cray-cray.

  • Toomush_Infer

    This just does not go far enough!: what about the grandchildren, disrespectful little twerps that they are -can't we stone them, occasionally, or at least gravel them?….and dogs and cats – disobedient as they are – a good booting from time to time could be helpful….and the weather, what could we do about the weather?….

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "and the weather, what could we do about the weather"

      Don't the gays control that?

    • Why, just this morning one of my dogs bit a worm in half and tried to roll in it!
      And let's not talk about how they don't come when called.
      Little bastards!

    • tessiee

      And what about that yutz who stole my parking space, even though I *clearly* had my blinker on?
      Gravel him!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Holy cow, can you image the immense court system this would require? Would a kid laughing at a parent's mommy jeans be cause to invoke this law? How about laughing at the old folks' music? Not drinking your Ovaltine?

    • sullivanst

      I'm sure a certain "textualist" thinks it's a no-brainer that you should kill… AOT,K.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I know that nothing could get my child to love me more than threatening to kill him.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Happy Monday everybody! At least it's only 2 months or so until the world ends!

    • Isyaignert

      We spell it "Moanday" around here and yay – the world's going to end on my birthday! Oh world, how did you know what I'd been wishing for all these years? Not!

  • manarchist

    At least this will stop those kids from complaining about school lunches

  • doloras

    Technically, this guy's just jonesing for the days of Ancient Rome, when the paterfamilias had the power of life and death over his whole family – slaves, children and even wife. So it's not just the Bible's fault this time.

    • Negropolis

      Since he's talking about Deuteronomy, he might be jonesing for something slightly older than Ancient Rome at its height.

  • MinAgain

    I wouldn't have survived past my 13th year.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    In 1997, Charlie was elected to the Arkansas Legislature and served on the Judiciary and Children and Families Committees. As Arkansas State Representative, he was awarded the “Friend Of The Family” award from the Arkansas Christian Coalition. He has also been a qualified Gideon Church speaker, board member and legal counsel for the Crisis Pregnancy Center of Rogers, Arkansas, board member for the Richardson Center in Fayetteville, Arkansas, a mediation panelist for the Christian Justice Center of Northwest Arkansas, and coach of a youth roller hockey team. He has also served as a board member and president on the board of the Alpha Pregnancy Center in Batesville, Arkansas.

    Check out the photo. If that baby pees………….

    • BadKitty904

      I think he's eating that baby's head…

      • Blueb4sinrise

        We need to find out where that baby is RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Negropolis

      he went to college on the G.I. Bill

      Of course he did. *sigh* And I bet he thinks everyone else are government dependents and moochers.

  • HelmutNewton

    While we're at it, we might as well bring back mass murder, slavery, treating women as chattel and killing people for working on Sundays. Because Jeebus!!

    • BadKitty904

      Isn't that the Romney/Ryan campaign platform?

      • GeorgiaBurning

        2016. Patience, first the tax cuts.

    • DahBoner

      No beard trims. Back to 70's porn….

  • mustangsavvy

    "… would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents."

    There is nothing that can go horribly wrong with this plan. Not at all like what happens in any and every horror movie involving whacked out kids. This is a totally fail proof plan. Implement at once!!

    (OMFG, these people….)

  • Chichikovovich

    Ms. Schoenkopf, you have not been careful to adhere to the tenets of good journalism here. Nowhere in this piece do you say what party affiliation this candidate has, and I simply can't figure it out.

    I sure hope he's not a Democratic candidate. The uncertainty is driving me batty.

    • He's not even a Republican.

      Seriously, he only identifies himself as "conservative." Write-in candidate?


      This event will begin at 6:30PM on October the 9th at Bryan's Grill in Batesville.

      Your Attendence is Greatly Appreciated.

      Various speakers will be in attendence. Speeches will be kept to a minimum, but plenty of time to mingle and ask questions.

      The cost is $25 per plate.

      There will be no alchohol [sic] served.

      We are asking everyone to purchase their plate using Paypal.

    • sullivanst

      His website says only "Conservative"

      Draw your own conclusions.

  • OT, latest Gallop has Bamz back up by 5. So much for Willard's debase bounce.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I think Barry played it low to give Rmoney a false sense of hope…he will crush the Hairmiester over the next two debates.

      • Bezoar

        He Goddamn well better or I'm gonna want my money back. Goddamn democrats. Could fuck up a wet dream.

      • sullivanst

        Still think it was more the mistaken assumption that Romney might feel any desire to be remotely consistent with policy positions he'd stated publicly and posted to his website when discussing his own campaign, or the actual facts of what Obama's done and proposed while discussing the President.

        In other words, someone hadn't been reading Steve Benen.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Dead cats etc…

  • AddHomonym

    "…there is no greater love then [sic] that…"

    Ugh! To me, "then" is the thing that rankles the most about his statement. That, or "safe guard." Did this guy pay NO ATTENTION in Language Arts?!?!

    • sullivanst

      Of course not, he completely fails at all humanities.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Language Arts is an elective in Arkansas schools. But in the required "Stoning Techniques for Potential Christian Parents" course he got a B+.

  • bikerlaureate

    Among contributors to Fuqua's campaign –
    Michelle and former Republican legislator Jim Bob Duggar — $250.

    (Yup, those Duggars.)

    • $250 they "earned" pimping their children.

    • PugglesRule

      I bet that's how the Duggars keep their 802 children in line. "If you disrespect us, we will BURY you." LIterally.

  • MinAgain

    Your move, Tennessee.

  • Lot_49

    Old Len Cohen gave this very topic some thought:

    You who build these altars now
    To sacrifice these children:
    You must not do it anymore.
    A scheme is not a vision
    And you never have been tempted
    By a demon or a god.
    You who stand above them now,
    Your hatchets blunt and bloody,
    You were not there before—
    When I lay upon a mountain
    And my father's hand was trembling
    With the beauty of The Word.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Holy hell it's like whenever we joke about another extreme right wingers will go to, they actually go through with it!

    We need to stop that, least they actually go ahead with forcing victims of rape marry their rapists or miscellaneous.

  • Troglodeity

    "The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly." This kind of statement is what suffices for reasonableness and moderation in today's Republican Party.

    • BadKitty904

      GOP = Grand Old Parody

    • sullivanst

      It's not just what suffices, it's what most closely resembles reasonableness and moderation.

  • Indiepalin

    Be forewarned, any of you ignorant hippie children who plan on toilet-papering my house on Halloween.

    • PugglesRule

      Kind of like that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where Weasley Crusher was condemned to die because he stepped on the grass on some otherwise idyllic planet. "The punishment is death!"

  • Beowoof

    Killing people, always a positive idea for conservatives.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      It's kind of their go-to plan.

  • Bezoar

    This guy needs to compel respect from his children because he can't elicit it any other way?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      He's still scarred from the time when he was a child and his mom had to tie a pork chop around his neck so at least the dog would play with him.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Oh but wait, here's a conundrum: what if a fetus lies to its parents? WHAT THEN? Hmmm?

    • DahBoner

      See Episode #32,567 of The Good Wife.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Damn lying fetuses. Can't trust 'em.

  • Bezoar

    And hey, isn't that picture from the movie "Village of the Damned"? From the book "The Midwhich Cuckoos" by John Wyndham?

    • tessiee

      I believe it's a frame from "The Bad Seed".
      Fun trivia fact: Patty McCormick, the pigtail-sporting young actor who played the titular bad seed, recently played Adriana's mother on "The Sopranos".

  • YasserArraFeck

    Hm – might work better than threatening to ground them. "Kids, pack the dishwasher, or I'm shipping you off to Little Rock to be slaughtered"

  • rickmaci

    Fucking Father's Day at the Fuqua house must be a total fear fest. MOOOOOAR PRESENTS OR ELSE!!!

  • viennawoods13

    Fuckwad? Seriously? That's poetry, man.

  • TootsStansbury

    LOL! Old Jonathan Swift ain't got nothing on this guy! Haha!

    Wait. Huh?

  • Generation[redacted]

    I hate it when these pols come up with such half-baked ideas. After we kill the children, how shall we cook and eat them? The American voter deserves to know!

  • This is pure insanity.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yes. But it is what passes for religion in some places. I'm sure that Arkansas isn't the only state where his ideas would get an "Amen, brother!"

  • chascates

    "And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from the bank as a catfish bait."

  • I love how his website lists "protecting the sanctity of life" as one of his key issues.

  • CommieLibunatic

    So, out with the old, in with the older?

  • Boojum

    So, the Christians are in favor of a judicial termination option for post-born fetuses. How do they feel about judicially sanctioned termination of pre-born fetuses?

  • rickmaci

    On the other hand, when he says "no wire hangers", his sprouts probably pay attention.

  • kyeshinka

    Good thing I go to Korean-language services. I have a good excuse of not knowing what the hell is going on and where the fuck this stuff is written.

  • DahBoner

    They're basically Obama Deathpanels, but no one is forcing you to buy car insurance…

  • calliecallie

    "The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21"

    Where was this guy when my rebellious stepdaughter was making our lives a living hell? I cannot adequately describe in words how awful she was, but the Bad Seed pic comes close. I actually started going to church when she was living with us, because nothing short of a miracle would help.

    Today she is over 30 and raising a child of her own. Can't wait to see the Karma.

  • owhatever

    If a maid unto the city is dishonoring her parents and the man with whom she lieth, then the elders of the high school shall gather at the city gates to determine how virginal she is not and what a little bitch she isith with her iPodeth and pink undergarments and she shall no longer liveth with her parents, nor the man with whom she layethd, and might become an abomination or a governor or secretary of state if allowed to live, and we can't have that shitith.

    • That's from Sheriff Joe Arpaio's website, right?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Ma'am, I'm afraid you misread your map. The Taliban are in Afghanistan, not Arkansas.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Lies, and this guy, made baby Jesus cry.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Guys! I just had this awful nightmare! It was a little convoluted, but basically, The Onion formed an army and went totalitarian rogue. They took over the world and every single thing was turned into the biggest fucking joke! Nothing ever could be taken seriously ever again!


  • culling the herd people, culling the herd.

  • Can we at least agree that Tyler York needs to have his ass whupped?

  • Come on. It could never happen here.

  • When the Fuquas first landed at Ellis Island they were actually named "Pig Fucker," then just "Fucker" and finally "Fuqua" when they showed up in Arkansas and no one knew how to spell.

  • LibrarianX

    Fuqua! No football for you, bitch!!

  • What the fuck is this thing about not finding any parents killing their kids in the Bible?! Is the Bible supposed to be a police blotter recording every instance of 6,000 years of domestic violence?!

  • tessiee

    "This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children."

    Oh. That's OK, then.

  • LibrarianX

    Someone should lock this fool in a room and play The Ramones at 120db for about 72 hours.

    • tessiee

      There isn't (?? grammar?) enough Ramones in the world for that. Their songs are like 1 minute and 50 seconds long each. You could play all of them in about 3 hours.

      • LibrarianX

        I meant the MEGA-Ramones mix loop. Obviously.

  • tessiee

    As usual, George Carlin was ahead of the curve:
    "I offer a plan: Legal Murder Once a Month. Under this plan, […] each person in America will be allowed to kill one other person […] But you can't kill just anybody. It's not random. Each month there will be a different type of person it's OK to kill. […] one for blood relatives. In fact you might even need a week. […] A festival! The Seven Dead Relatives Festival! Christmas week! Lots of old, festering, pathological flotsam […] And forgive what may seem a tacky note, but this plan might also simplify your Xmas shopping. […] take note, those of you who aren't married and are merely living together will not be allowed to kill each other until you have taken your sacred vows."
    Braindroppings, pp 174-5

  • owhatever

    Wait a minute. Did God go before a court to get permission to kill his Son, who is also God, which therefore makes it divine suicide? I thought the Jews did it, not an angry parent. Seems a bit harsh.

    • MosesInvests

      Uh, Romans, actually.

    • Isyaignert

      I was just discussing my Catholic schooling with my husband today. I recalled asking questions in third grade such as, "How could there be three beings on one, etc". and the nun telling me, "There are some things you're just not supposed to understand." That's when they lost me and I've never been back.

  • MosesInvests

    What do I do if my kid says "Jehovah"?

    • bobbert


  • Negropolis

    Sharia law libel!

  • area51

    This could get interesting. Deuteronomy 21:18-21, the bible passage by which Fuqua justifies stoning sassy children to death, also enjoins parents to stone their children to death if they get fat.

  • Zango Crudmonger

    Oh for fucks' sake, let's just bio-engineer a proper Minotaur for killing the children. Stoning is soooo last year – in Iran.

  • IndianaKevin

    From Fuqua's site:

    That is, that God wants us to freely choose to love, warship, and serve him because we understand that he loved us while we were in the unlovable state of complete rebellion to him.

    See?! God WANTS us to warship him!

    • PennyDreadful

      Argh. That's probably exactly how he pronounces "worship". There's a landscaping company here called "Own the Rocks" and I cringe every time I drive past, because you just know when those people say "on the rocks" it comes out "own the rocks". And now we have "warship". I need to go bleach my ears.

  • ttommyunger

    NOW, he tells me!

  • There's a lot of kids right now. We probably wouldn't miss a few.

  • keinsignal

    Actually the Bible does document at least one case of a parent murdering their child, although not for disobedience… Just the opposite, in a way.

    From Judges, chapter 11:
    30 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

    31 Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.

    32 So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the Lord delivered them into his hands.

    33 And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.

    34 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.

    35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I cannot go back.

    36 And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the Lord hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.

    37 And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.

    38 And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.

    39 And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed.

    [edit: whoops, this was meant to be a reply to Chet's "police blotter" comment above]

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      Wow. I thought I was pretty good about knowing all the crazy stuff in the bible but I had somehow missed that one. I read what you posted, then read it again to make sure I had read what I thought I had read, then looked it up to make sure it was accurate, and then finally pulled out my old catholic bible complete with footnotes to see what they had to say about it. Funny thing is, they really don't have much to say about it at all. The only relevant footnote reads:

      *11,37: […] daughter asks permission to mourn the fact that she will be put to death before she can bear children.

      Uh-huh, yeah, cuz that's the tragedy of it all, the virgin bit, not that burnt offering part.

  • pinupgirl123

    Shouldn't the politicians be on the chopping block first?

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