PATENTED MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES  3:00 pm October 8, 2012

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

by Josh Fruhlinger

Leadership up your buttholeOh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a “major foreign policy address” to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers, your 2012 GOP nominee isn’t the sort of guy who, say, makes up comical “Weird” Al-style song spoofs about dropping bombs on other countries and killing tens of thousands of people. Nope! You’re stuck with Mitt Romney, who comes from a modern-day executive class that believes the answer to everything is “leadership,” and that you can learn “leadership” by reading the executive summaries of all the terrible business books with “leadership” in the title, and that liberal weenies who’ve never run a business don’t understand “leadership,” and that what the world wants is more American “leadership,” from a real “leader,” Mitt Romney. “Fuck this noise,” you’re saying, “Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?” Details after the jump, but … maybe nobody? BOOO.

So go ahead and read all five pages of Mitt’s remarks to VMI if you hate yourself, but trust us when tell you that here are all the specific things Romney promises to do to and/or with foreigners (vague hand-wavey bullshit about “leadership” and “clarity” and “helping promote freedom” and whatever excepted):

  • Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes! There will be new sanctions, and tighter old sanctions! And aircraft carriers will be moved closer to Iran!
  • America will be even better friends with Israel, and “deepen our critical cooperation” with our “partners in the Gulf,” bleah, that was kind of hand-wavey bullshit, wasn’t it, but we are assuming this all means arms sales.
  • He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military, by which he means the “sequestering” cuts that Congress agreed to in its debt ceiling suicide pact a couple years back.
  • More boats! 15 more boats a year for the Navy, hooray!
  • Vladimir Putin is a jerk, so we’re going to build some sweet-ass missile defense systems. Also, we will make everyone else in NATO spend more on their military, somehow.
  • America will only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,” which is something every single president says he’ll do until he suddenly realizes that he very much needs something that a minor-league despot has, a discovery that generally occurs around day three of every administration. Egypt in particular doesn’t get money unless it plays nice.
  • Speaking of things every president says, despite what you might have heard, Mitt Romney is totally going to figure out a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “In this old conflict … only a new President will bring the chance to begin anew,” Romney said, and everyone who has ever been a new President since 1948 laughed at him, from the special Presidents Only room in hell.
  • Free trade agreements! We’ll sign a bunch.
  • We’re 100% going to sell some guns and shit to “those members of the [Syrian] opposition who share our values.” We’re sure they’ll be easy to find! Remember those Afghan mujahideen, and how they shared our values in the fight against Communism, so we sold them a bunch of weapons? That went great.
  • And speak of the devil, what about the war we’re actually fighting, in Afghanistan? Mitt Romney will “pursue a real and successful transition to Afghan security forces by the end of 2014,” but then right after that he says that Obama’s promise to do the same thing is just a “politically timed retreat.” But when Romney does it, it will be leadership, and also he won’t do it if the generals tell him not to. Still, he’ll probably be able to do it on his schedule, because he’ll win the war, because, once again, leadership.

So there you have it: it’s like he barely wants to bomb anybody at all! Just maybe sail some boats at people and sell guns to some other people. Still, at least one American hero was so deeply moved by the speech that he felt compelled to type into his Twitter machine, while standing up at his desk:

Rummy knows the score

Donald Rumsfeld will now only endorse people or policies in ways that direct pageviews to places where he can advertise his cleverly titled book. [WP]

 
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{ 157 comments }

iburl October 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Behold, a pale horse's ass.

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Rafalca?

Blueb4sinrise October 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I hate that vimeo crap.

hagajim October 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So what Mitt really can't do is commit to any one path, because that might just make it hard for him to reverse course – wait, he does that daily. Oh well. So we buttsex Israel and blow (up) Iran. Sounds like a top action movie.

PugglesRule October 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Daily? I'm disappointed. I expect him to change course in the next hour.

DWW October 9, 2012 at 6:19 am

" America will only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,” which is something every single president says he’ll do until he suddenly realizes that he very much needs something that a minor-league despot has, a discovery that generally occurs around day three of every administration. Egypt in particular doesn’t get money unless it plays nice. "

Like Saudi Arabia and Bahrain.

no_gravity October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Romney – getting ready for some fudge packing.

Steverino247 October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

In other words, Mitt's going to contract out our national security.

BaldarTFlagass October 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

To China!

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Well, none of *his* kids, grandkids, nephews, or nieces are certainly going to be shot at, sooo…

catx2012 October 9, 2012 at 8:36 am

They will live in his Mormon compounds in Boston, New Hampshire and La Jolla.

emmelemm October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

countries that meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary

The irony is so thick you have to cut it with a chainsaw.

weejee October 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

He's going to outsource the Taliban.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Hey, the Mormon Church doesn't get government funds.

Toomush_Infer October 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

They don't pay the government funds, either….

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

It's the Republican plan to defund the US government, wrapped up in a foreign affairs bow.

My_pal_HAL October 8, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Actually, yes.

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Chainsaw is one of Wonkette's secret words.

emmelemm October 9, 2012 at 1:54 am

Do I win a million dollars? My comment didn't get deleted!

Pragmatist2 October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

He will put Iran "on notice"????
Oh, that will fix them!

weejee October 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

But he's experienced in firing from his Bainfull days.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

He is importing Stephen Colbert's Notice board?

Or is he sending Iran a certified letter?

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Return receipt requested, muthafuckah!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Iran [whiny sarcastic sing-song]: Ooh, we're SO SCARED!!

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Does Facebook still have the Superpoke app? He'll most likely use that.

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:43 pm

That's right; he's going to give Iran the what-for, I tells ya'! And the after that *bang* a proper "why I oughtta'" with a finger wag.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP October 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Can we stick an AK 47 up Rumsfield's butt and say "known and unknown" three times, please?

barto October 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary"

Hah! No fern aid for you, Merka!

sbj1964 October 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Mitt will just hold down our enemies while the other boys cut they're hair.

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

He will hold down our enemies whether they are hair or not.

sbj1964 October 9, 2012 at 5:20 am

Mittens is nothing but a coward,and a bully who uses his wealth to hold down others.He seeks to be the President of the 1% those who would rule over the many to line their pockets with the sweat,and toil of the middle class.He must not be elected to fulfill the GOP agenda of keeping people in America subservient to corporate greed.We as Americans will never become the serfs to his new aristocracy!Viva the 99%!

Geminisunmars October 9, 2012 at 11:58 am

Hmmm. No offense dear sbj, I was responding to the grammar rather than the context. I agree with your context totally. I make my share of typos too, so I'm usually not too critical, but I'd noticed the same error in a couple of your postings yesterday, and couldn't help myself. In this context the word should have been “their”. “They're” is a contraction of “they are”. These are also commonly confused with “there”, too. Please forgive my lapse into pickiness. Yours in Wonkettude — Geminisunmars.

snowpointsecret October 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

So basically Romney is using the Stephen Colbert policy position on Iran. If you put them on a big board on national TV they'll surely right their ways! It worked for bears!

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Sweet — if Romney gets elected, he'll be president just in time for the new WTC tower to be finished. I wonder what'll happen next.

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:45 pm

"Mitt Romney determined to strike United States"

PuckStopsHere October 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

He plans to pay for the restoration of cuts in military spending with a 5 trillion dollar tax cut, I hear.

edgydrifter October 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I'm really looking forward to the photos that will surface in twenty years of Mitt nervously clutching the palm of some "friend of America" who will eventually turn around and shoot us with our own guns. Leadership!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Although I do like the picture of Rumfilled and Saddam Hussein sharing a milkshake with two straws.

new_pic_for_NEWTer October 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

…respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,”
So the Republicunt's vision of America would not be eligible for foreign aid from themselves? I has a confuze…

Dudleydidwrong October 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

He's out-Nixoning Nixon. Tricky Dick only had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War, a plan that was so secret even he didn't know it, nor did anyone else. Tricky Mitt has a secret plan to end every crisis, problem, and issue in the known world. Mitt, your holy underwear is too tight in the crotch.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Well, I'm very pleased to know he's gonna send aid to countries that "respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary."

Because I'm probably going to want to move to one of them, if the Republicans get their way in this country.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I was just thinking "Didn't that used to be the USA?"

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Haha, no. He didn't say that we were going to follow the example that we want other countries to set if they want our monies!

bearperney October 8, 2012 at 4:04 pm

New Zealand, Here we come!

SmutBoffin October 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots. "

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

But if we are not going to bomb Syria, who will? Pretty soon all these brown skin folks will get really uppity.

Blueb4sinrise October 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Turkey?

weejee October 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

They're getting even for Thanksgiving? Palin pardon or not.

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

That's nobody's business but the Turks'.

edgydrifter October 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Speak oddly and hire someone to carry your stick.

SmutBoffin October 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

And then use a hinky amortization scheme to extract value from the depreciation of said stick, push that into a balance sheet further down the road, pay some executive bonuses, declare bankruptcy, and then eventually run the stick for president.

LEEDARSHIP

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Also, Leaderstick.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

He's certainly fluent in Gibberish…

ProgressiveInga October 8, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I read that as "hire someone to carry your dick."

Winner, winner SHEEN dinner…

decentcitizen October 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I see that Mitt is sticking to his practice of being as vague as possible while still employing language. It's almost as if he fears that if he discussed particulars people would realize how truly clueless he is.

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Now that's leadership.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Truly, a talking head's talking head.

Dr. Nick Riviera October 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Only foreight aid for "countries that meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary "

And this is why no social security or healthcare for YOU, America!

Generation[redacted] October 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

And aircraft carriers will be moved closer to Iran!

What a wimp. I'd move the aircraft carriers so close to Iran they'd get stuck on the beach! Yeah, who's the tough guy now, huh?

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

That'll shoal 'em!

Pithaughn October 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

I'm guessing the aircraft carriers could be with in a 1000 miles of Iran and be just as effective. When a plane is flying at 1000 mph or knots per hour it don't take long to get somewhere. And besides, don't we have a new strategic partner right in Iran's asshole now? I think it is spelled almost exactly the same as Iran.

GregComlish October 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

15 boats a year? That's not enough! We demand more asbestos, more asbestos, more asbestos!

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Canada, is that you?

GunToting[Redacted] October 8, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I hope they get some party barges. I love those things.

no_gravity October 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

sweet-ass missile defense systems

Can you say StarWars Defense Initiative? I knew you could.

coolhandnuke October 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Way to chime in there Rummy. You are the Great American Spectator. It escapes me at the moment, but remind me again who killed Bin Laden.

Goonemeritus October 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I vote almost exclusively on my read of a candidate’s ability to fuck up foreign policy as little as possible. I pulled the lever for Barry last time and I will again, the world doesn’t need the hassle.

WhatTheHeck October 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Quick, get this Romney dude some foreign policy experience. Send him to speak to a Chamber of commerce group in Singapore. It worked for sarah Palin.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm beginning to think Romney passed up the etch-a-sketch and went for the fun-house mirror instead.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Navy shore could use some of them boats an stuff.

LesBontemps October 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Mitt must have eaten Rafalca, considering all the horseshit that comes out of him.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Mitt's "new" foreign policy is that the guy doing all the same things we're already doing will be white.

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm

You don't fuckin' say.
That's also his new domestic policy, his new health care policy, etc. etc.

owhatever October 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Five million young Mormon men will be hired by the Defense Department to convert the heathen A-rabs through enhanced baptism techniques and full frontal nudity. Five million more new jobs right there. While they are overseas for the duration, old men will marry their girlfriends.

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Um…
Full frontal nudity of whom, exactly?

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Which service will any of your five sons be joining?

coolhandnuke October 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

The USMC…Unearthly Scioned Mormon Children

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"It is to laugh."

~ D. Duck

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm

None of them, Schmannity.

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Does lip service count?

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm sure they're more experienced with Room Service…

Generation[redacted] October 8, 2012 at 3:44 pm

His sons could best serve the country by profiting heavily in the arms industry, possibly through leveraged equity funds.

Native_of_SL_UT October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

They all better be signing up for the Navy because we're going to need a shitload more guys for all them new boats.

Native_of_SL_UT October 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military,

You know, that Simpson-Bowles thingy isn't a carton of milk. It didn't have an expiration date. You could insist the dumbass members of your party actually try and vote for the damn thing anytime now, Mitt.

Mittens Howell, III October 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Known knowns: Donald Rumsfeld has fried eggs for brains.

Known unknowns: Mitt Romney knows dick.

WhaleChowder October 8, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Unknown Unknowns: how many sloppy BJs Mitt had to hire someone to deliver to Rummy to get that endorsement.

BaldarTFlagass October 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military"

He'll be able to afford to, at least, after he gets rid of Sesame Street.

BoatOfVelociraptors October 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Leadership means "Don't you know who I am?".

SpeedoFart October 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:44 pm

*sings*
"Fame! I'm gonna live forever…"

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Maybe instead of bombs, Romney is planning on dropping missionaries on world hot spots?

UnholyMoses October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I dropped a missionary into a hotspot just a few nights ago.

Wait. What?

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That would teach 'em.

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Dangerous places like 1968 France?

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Is that like dropping the kids off at the pool?

TootsStansbury October 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Who ever built that thing made a big mistake allowing "words" to come out of its nutrient intake portal.

Cognitive Dissident October 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Playbook: Just say words that sound nice to conservative ears. Do not specify anything that might give you opponent something to work with… e.g. details, plans, policy views, etc.

Geminisunmars October 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

See, he can do some things very well.

My_pal_HAL October 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Just say the magic word: LEADERSHIP

UnholyMoses October 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Slightly edited — and a lot more accurate — Mitt:

"We will only provide foreign aid to nation who meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities, but not poor minorities, or women who have been raped [legitimately or otherwise] or been victims of incest—those groups are on their own! And … to ensure space for civil society in which we all agree that liberals are evil haters of America, a free media that never fact checks anything I say because I am rich and white and, thus, allowed to lie whenever the hell I want to, political parties (which means "Parties at which rich people give money to a political person, like me!), and an independent judiciary that rules exactly like Antonin Scalia."

kittensdontlie October 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

My greatest wish is that whatever Rumsfeld 'knows', would remain unknown,…and sit-down already!!

Schmannnity October 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

He forgot to mention mounting Phalanx guns on embassy walls so we can mow down protestors at a rate of 4,500 rounds per minute.

Sharkey October 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Nuke the Whales!

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

And THEN what would you have to eat, hennnggghh??

slowhansolo October 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

Gotta nuke something.

UnholyMoses October 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Having Donald Rumsfeld praise your speech on foreign policy is like having Andrea Yates praise your parenting skills.

Gleem McShineys October 8, 2012 at 5:52 pm

She took the Grover Norquist Challenge!

deliman4 October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Having Rumsfeld endorsing you is like getting mouth to mouth resuscitation from Hannibal Lecter,there's a small chance he might save you,there's a bigger chance he'll rip your face off!!

MinAgain October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

And after all the former presidents stopped laughing at Mitt, the former secretaries of defense started laying bets with Hell's bookie on the date of Armageddon.

Jus_Wonderin October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

There is a part of me that would love to see that asshole deal with foreign affairs. That same part of me shivers in the closet under the stairs as it did when confronted with a possible Palin Veep reality.

SexySmurf October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes!

If they don't apologize for their transgression within 60 days, Mittens will move them to the "Dead to Me" board.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I reckoned he'd un-friend them on Facebook…

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

And then, if they try to talk to him, he'll look around the room and go, "What was that? Did someone speak? I didn't hear anything, did you?"

emmelemm October 8, 2012 at 3:46 pm

You and I were both 13 year old girls once, weren't we?

BeefHardcake October 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

And next, he will institute the Crusades Part Two: Electric Boogaloo!

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You laugh, but…

"You should shudder, brethren, you should shudder at raising a violent hand against Christians; it is less wicked to brandish your sword against Saracens. This is the only warfare that is righteous!"

~ Pope Urban II, at the Council of Clermont, 1095, in his speech which began the First Crusade…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Same guy who decided priests had to be celibate, after a mere thousand years of letting them be normal human beings. One of history's "10 Most Fun-Loving Leaders."

BlueStateLibel October 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Brought to by the same people who screwed up Afghanistan and Iraq, and didn't get Osama bin Laden. Also brought to you by the guy who managed to piss off Great Britain within half a day of landing there.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

It's a pity Leslie Nielsen just passed away. He'd be a shoo-in as the lead in a Romeny bio-pic…

Radiotherapy October 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Cut taxes 20%, non-progressively, across the board and increase military spending, what could go wrong?

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Leadership… scrawk… leadership, leadership… scrawk, tweet… leadership… Polly wants a cracker…

RedneckMuslin October 8, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Donald Rumsfeld is still alive?

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

How could anyone tell?

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes!"

This is why they don't let Mitt talk much.
When they're not forcibly holding their hands over his mouth, stuff like that comes out of it.
Also, 47%, and such.

mavenmaven October 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Romney, just say it: "I'm BUSH, I'm BUSH, I'm BUSH"

Beowoof October 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I think we should make sure Rmoney sends his kids off to fight any war he wants to start. He says they are lying bastards so some time fighting war will help them grow up.

tessiee October 8, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Mitt needs to stop spending his weekends watching Bruce Campbell movie marathons; the resemblance is only superficial.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

For one thing, Campbell would make a MUCH better president…

SmutBoffin October 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

CHIN LIBEL

Come here a minute October 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

All troops in Afghanistan will not be returned home at the end of 2014; instead they'll be transitioned to missionary duty.

BadKitty904 October 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Based on personal experience, it's been a while since some of those boys have been in a missionary position, anyways…

Callyson October 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

“Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?”

It has to be said…AOTK…

anniegetyerfun October 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Oh, fuck. I had no idea that Romney had such a trustworthy, reliable ally as Donal Rumsfeld. He's got my vote now.

sullivanst October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

With Mitt there are so many known unknowns: we know we don't know which tax deductions he'll eliminate, we know we don't know how badly he'll blow up the deficit, we know we don't know what his health policy will be, we know we don't know what his immigration policy will be, we know we don't know how quickly he'll have us in a shooting war with Iran, we know we don't know what's in his damn tax returns.

And if you think all that's scary, just ask yourself, what don't we know we don't know about Mitt?

SmutBoffin October 8, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I eagerly await the Romney admin's instructions to NASA, as well: begin planning a manned mission to Kolob.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"We have always been at war with East Asia, my friends."

Generation[redacted] October 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm

To back up his tough words with China, Romney will order the U.S.S. San Pablo to sail up the Yangtze River to rescue the missionaries.

fawkedifiknow October 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Don Rumsfeld endorses him? Why don't they just cut to the chase and have Cheney and Bush endorse him, so that his fucking campaign sinks that much faster?

smashedinhat October 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Fuck me. I go for a six pack/bucket of chicken and the Wonkette orgasms all over my internet window.

WhatTheHeck October 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

His foreign experience stems from visiting his sacks of gold in a few foreign countries and speaking to the bank managers in those countries.

Negropolis October 9, 2012 at 12:00 am

You know, those Swiss bank vaults are very quiet rooms, I hear.

BartStarrland October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

C'mon, lighten up. We all had to write that high school American Government class essay on "America, Good or Bad?" This one is B- at worst.

LibrarianX October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Was waiting for Mitt to give Iran a 'time out." Also to promise ALL of our money to Israel.

cybermoe October 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"It is easier to get into something than to get out of it." ~ Donald Rumsfeld

Like get one's head out of one's ass.

LibrarianX October 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm

What – no endorsement from Pol Pot?

Smithboy October 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Romney when he becomes president will be known as Bibi's Boy!

Don't you love these good God-fearin' men like Bush, chosen person Netanyahu and Mitt Romney who tell you how much their faith means to them. They wax eloquently about how God loves America and Israel…. and in the next breath talk glowingly about their desire to kill people they don't like.

skmind October 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

We see fudge, we see rubber glove, what don't we see that Romney is so filled with glee about?

Sacanagem October 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I'll take "Latterday-Sanctioned Anal Probe" for $200, Alex.

DahBoner October 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Romney = Dead American Soldiers. MATH.

Generation[redacted] October 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Rumsfeld hasn't offered such enthusiastic support for a political leader since Saddam Hussein.

decentcitizen October 8, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Rumsfeld's endorsement would be the kiss of death to any thinking voter. But it will appeal to those who think victory in our two wars of record is just around the corner -six months tops.

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:35 pm

How could we possibly get any closer to Israel? I mean, we're already fuck-buddies. How much more do they want? Do they want us to put a ring on it?

Negropolis October 8, 2012 at 11:39 pm

BTW, what's all this "leading from behind" bullshit? You ask Bin Laden, and K-Daffy, and Al-Awaki, and etc…about Obama "leading from behind", m'kay?

Fuck Donnie Rumsfeld with a bunker-buster bomb…and votes.

ttommyunger October 9, 2012 at 8:02 am

I had a Platoon Leader Second Louie from VMI who was so fucking stupid he couldn't find a bale of hay in a telephone booth. In short, they probably ate Mittens up with with a spoon.

catx2012 October 9, 2012 at 8:33 am

But will Mitt's five sons serve in his wars?

Porter Melmoth October 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You may think that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Porter Melmoth October 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

You critics just don't understand couture power politics! When a leader offers up a 1%-approved boutique of designer-crafted policy, it just shows how gauche most Americans have become. I mean, which would you rather have, a dainty, gloved-hand approach, or a brutish, icky bludgeoning by the great unwashed?

It's just Mitt's wit in action!

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