the unbearable lightness of being

We Genocided The Indians And Enslaved The Slaves So Man-Child Could Live With Parents And Whine About Voting

How?Happy Columbus Day, Merkins! Are you so grateful to be a citizen of the US-of-A on this, the day we commemorate how we came over and righteously kicked some Injun ass? How about if you knew we had given our righteous ass-kickings so terrible man-children could live in their parents’ garage apartments, decline full time jobs teaching in their fields, take long meandering drives to nowhere, and then whine about how hard it is to choose between Miffed Romney and B. Barry Bamz, because Mr. Bamz has yet to bring them their own personal ponies? USA! USA! Wonkers, meet the most punchable man in America.

Tyler York lives in a comfortable space above a three-car garage. He has his own entrance and kitchenette stocked with Capri Sun and frozen bagels. There’s a queen-sized bed, a plush leather couch and a large, flat-screen TV. The land around the house is wooded with old oaks and maples, and the yard is curated by the former president of the local garden club. There’s an in-ground pool out back with an HGTV-inspired slide.

It’s a great life, and none of it belongs to him.

Tyler has Capri Sun and frozen bagels. But are there hardships? THERE ARE. Please remove all children and pregnant ladies from the room, you guys: the wifi does not reach all the way to the pool! HOW DOES HE LIVE????

Mostly, Tyler sits on his couch, or poolside, drinks his juicebox, and turns down jobs. But sometimes he goes to his nieces’ birthday party and barks “BE BETTER” at them when he yanks his palm away from their high-fives. Being a dick to children is like a full-time job right there!

Sometimes, he gets in the car for long drives to nowhere in particular. Once he might have considered it a waste of time, but lately he thinks he gets a lot done when he lets his mind drift: work, his little brother’s college decision, his friends’ money worries, politics, the world, right and wrong, what’s next.

“What’s going on?” he wonders. “Am I really happy?”

Is Tyler happy? We should worry about this for a while. Oh right, no we shouldn’t.

But what about Tyler’s vote? Who will earn it?

Tyler can rattle off a quick opinion on almost any issue in the news. He thinks we should rework education and job training entirely, move away from using coal for energy and give women complete, unbiased medical information if they have an unexpected pregnancy. He’s fine with paying taxes but wants the money spent wisely on libraries, fire departments and schools. He does not like public money to be funneled to boondoggles, like, he thinks, Boston’s Big Dig. After all that time and money, he doesn’t understand why it still needs fixing, or why he sits in traffic for hours to visit his girlfriend at her apartment near Fenway Park.

None of those issues are likely to decide his vote. He would back a candidate he disagreed with if he thought the person could make people work together, he says. Tyler thinks all elected leaders — not just the president — should cooperate to help the country grow. He might not like some of their decisions, but he respects the process.

“Being a voter, you just want to see progress, and there really hasn’t been for how many years now?” Tyler says. “If you have a strong argument supporting your opinion that’s different than mine, I’m more than willing to have that conversation with you. I want to talk, I want to understand why you think that way. It could change my mind … but I won’t know unless I have that conversation.”

That’s true, there has been no progress at all for the past four years. Tyler says so!

Of course he doesn’t want his friends or family or anyone else to struggle or be at a disadvantage, he says, but he doesn’t think that’ll happen if politicians will stop being stubborn and start working together.

It is true, if Romney is elected, Congress will stop being stubborn and start working together … on things like slashing education and job training, gifting more subsidies to Exxon-Mobil, banning abortion, and the opposite of every other thing Tyler was jabbering about five paragraphs ago. Teamwork! Tyler is just a super-smart, cool young man, and his parents are very lucky to have him drinking his juicebox in their garage apartment.

He will vote in November, along with millions of others trying to figure out the same things: What’s really going on here? Am I really happy?

He thinks the decision will be good practice, a nice exercise, if not a simple one. He doesn’t like things to be too easy, anyway.

Abortion should be legal through age 26.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. Goonemeritus

      You remind me of my brother-in-law, we were watching his daughter play at a park when she was about two. When I mentioned to him how sweet a kid she was his only response was please Lord don’t let her grow up to be a Crack whore.

    2. bravo_sierra

      Take away their juice boxes. It is all about making the home environment unpleasant enough that the alternative (part time job at Starbucks, living with 3 roommates) is preferable.

  1. Kid_Charlemagne

    His name is "Tyler" for Christsakes. If that isn't an invitation to get punched in the face, I don't know what is.

      1. snowpointsecret

        I'll officially never be able to go to Tipp City without thinking about Wonkette now. Or deal with the really annoying kid down the street named Tyler.

  2. Steverino247

    Guys like Tyler York are happy because they have no idea how high they are on the Domestic Drone Strike Target List.

  3. Come here a minute

    …why he sits in traffic for hours to visit his girlfriend at her apartment near Fenway Park.

    Because he's too stupid to take the T?

    1. larrykat

      Maybe because he likes to stoke his anger at the Big Dig by sitting in the tunnels for a long time.

  4. Dudleydidwrong

    New Hampshire, huh? He's got the "Live Free" part of their license plate slogan pretty well nailed down. When does the "Or Die" come into effect? (Maybe after he finds out that his parents won't enlarge the swimming pool so that his wi-fi will work while he sits outside.)

  5. FakaktaSouth

    As one prone to doing nothing, I shan't give a fuck what Tyler does. However, it does appear that Tyler's parents are rich, like what Mitt calls upper middle class, and if THIS shit ain't a reason to raise their taxes, I don't know what the fuck could be.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Why the fuck doesn't their argument about handouts work in reverse? You know, their meme that "paying poorz just makes them dependent."

        Giving fucking rich people the ability to bequeath riches upon their spawn, tax free, that somehow doesn't make them shiftless dependent piles of Tyler?

        Seems like if you gave these folks the incentive to have to go out into the world to forage for their own juiceboxes, they might actually become productive members of society.

        Pffft, haha, sure, buddy, and logic just magically applies to similar situations, also!

  6. Come here a minute

    Why do blogs keep getting fooled into taking articles seriously when they're obviously from The Onion?

  7. Goonemeritus

    Having too much time on your hands is the biggest barrier to making a decision. Average Americans aren’t undecided. Having spent the five minuets typically allotted to political decisions they base their choice on who they would least like to punch in crotch.

  8. not that Dewey

    Endless testimonies . .. prove the mild and pacific temperament of the natives…. But our work was to exasperate, ravage, kill, mangle and destroy; small wonder, then, if they tried to kill one of us now and then….

    -Fra Bartolome de las Casas, via Howard Zinn

    Happy Columbus Day, everyone!

    1. BadKitty904

      "I say again that I stood looking at it, and I thought that never on this earth would there be discovered other lands such as these. But of all these wonders that I then beheld, today all is overthrown and lost, and nothing is left standing."

      ~ Don Bernal Diaz del Castillo, reminiscing on his youth as a conquistador in the New World, quoted from his autobiographical "The Conquest of New Spain," published in 1565.

  9. SoBeach

    When is this dude going to man up and ask his parents for $20k to start a business? Because they'd totally give it to him.

  10. pinkocommi

    Oooo, oooo, oooo! Tyler should borrow money from his parents to start a business! Because he sounds like one of the very, very few who actually can.

      1. weejee

        Have you read any of Sherman Alexie's work? 54 40's might just be the work-up before the Lone Ranger and Tonto have their heavenly fistfight.

  11. freakishlywrong

    Tyler really needs to get schtupped. Preferably in butthole. It may wake him the fuck up, as it were.

    1. BadKitty904

      He certainly sounds like the type that'd only be "really happy" tied face-down on a mattress with a ball-gag in his mouth…

  12. Dudleydidwrong

    Is Tyler the next "Joseph" in Kafka's new novel? It's about oppression from decisions such as having to decide which flavor pop tart to consume today.

    1. sullivanst

      No trial, just death raining from the sky.

      Although, Tyler seems much further along the way to being Gregor Samsa than Josef K.

  13. Steverino247

    Let me get this straight. All the money I've sent to Obama is being spent to make a useless asshole like Tyler cast his ballot for the guy he thinks will make America like his Kindergarten class?

  14. snowpointsecret

    I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that Tyler is acting like this or the fact that CNN decided it was worth a long article.

    I'm leaning toward CNN and I didn't think I would.

  15. HogeyeGrex

    I call bullshit. This is just a figment of David Brooks' imagination.

    Which makes it even more imperative to abort while face-punching.

  16. freakishlywrong

    Tyler thinks all elected leaders — not just the president — should cooperate to help the country grow.
    Tyler there has not been fully paying attention for the the last four years. Too much juice box by the pool, maybe.

    1. sullivanst

      If only the wifi reached, maybe he could have been learning from the Wonkets while lounging around leeching from his parents.

  17. OkieDokieDog

    Oh poor Tyler York, he haz a confoozed.

    Grow the fuck up ya little prick. You live in a freaking fantasy world.
    Get a job and oh yeah, quit fucking with your nieces ya bully.

    1. PubOption

      From the article, it appears that his parents pay the former president of the garden club to do that.

  18. GregComlish

    "The futility of my vapid life is unbearable. One of my coping mechanisms is posing as an undecided voter for our nation's credulous media so I can be, however briefly, showered with attention. My brief media exposure will help sustain the illusion that any of my consumer existence matters. My other coping mechanism is Capri Sun."

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
      Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.

    1. Kid_Charlemagne

      I'd really like to meet the lovely lady who is lucky enough to call this specimen of manhood her own.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Sadly, when he doesn't vote, jackasses like this have infinitely more say than he in how our country is run.

      At least if one votes it dilutes the jackassery.

      But yeah, I can understand the general despair part of it.

  19. kyeshinka

    Hey, we gave one of your people a starring role in "Northern Exposure," so shaddup already, damn!

  20. chicken_thief

    A little OT, but if that is the snivelling Injun from the littering commercials, he isn't really of Indian heritage – he's a faker like Liz Warren!!!!

    1. tessiee

      He's Iron Eyes Cody, born Espera DeCorti, the offspring of two Sicilian immigrants, which is I'm guessing why they ran his pic, today being Columbus Day.

  21. belmontreport

    I don't hate Tyler, I hate CNN for trying to pretend like Tyler is representative of Millenials. Really, he has no debt, lives rent free, and works from home? He is sooo representative of ME. That is why young people were occupying wallstreet, because they thought that they needed more debt and higher rents! And more part-time jobs that they can do from their couch in their posh apartment filled with juice boxes and frozen bagels.

    But I guess he might be representative of the idiots that are "undecided".

      1. bibliotequetress

        I really thought that he had to be pulling the CNN editorial staff's leg. Still not totally convinced otherwise.

    1. BartStarrland

      (Regrettably) I read the whole piece. At times it felt like a bad school essay by Tyler himself, where he just referred to himself in the third person.

      1. tessiee

        Maybe it is.
        Maybe that's something he does.
        "Tyler's a little chilly. Tyler would like you to turn down the air conditioning, because Tyler doesn't like sweaters."
        Wow, I just made him *more* punchable!

  22. fawkedifiknow

    Don't begrudge this young man his slacker life style. It's the same as George W. Bush's at the same age, and look how wonderful it turned out for everyone.

    Er, wait…… Never mind.

  23. BadKitty904

    I'd be curious to get a look at the parents that produced (and support) this freeloading hellspawn…

  24. WhatTheHeck

    I blame the Niña, Pinta and the Santa Maria for the mistake of going west instead of east. Same for Tyler. He can’t tell his right from his right.

  25. belmontreport

    "She's seen how tapping into the subconscious mind, listening to one's intuition and nurturing creative, optimistic thinking can change lives and organizations. It's worked for her, for people she's helped and, she believes, it can do the same for the country."

    Now this lady, fuck this lady.

    1. realmurkin

      She is the absolute fucking worst. I hate her far more than Tyler, who at least has the excuse of being an idiot babychild.

  26. SpeedoFart

    "Please remove all children and pregnant ladies from the room…"

    God damn it! Now I will never know of the terrible hardships faced by entitled jackasses. I feel like I've beeen cheated out of… something.

    *waddles off in search of lunch*

  27. calliecallie

    This kid makes me think maybe the Republicans are on to something, turning us all into corporate serfs because clearly this kid needs a corporate overlord to tell him what to do with his life.

  28. MistaEko

    "but lately he thinks he gets a lot done when he lets his mind drift."

    PROTIP: You have 2 months, Tyler. Maybe a bit more depending on when performance reviews are.

    1. bibliotequetress

      Thank you, Chet. I think I'll go bask in my childlessness for the ten thousandth time now.

  29. Guppy

    In his position, I would be too mortified to date, let alone have my lifestyle plastered all over cable news.

  30. MinAgain

    I went to high school with boys like this. But they could blame it all on the pot they were smoking.

    1. tessiee

      We *all* went to high school with boys like this.
      Some of them were *still* like this at 26.
      A few of them are still like this at 46.

  31. poorgradstudent

    why he sits in traffic for hours to visit his girlfriend at her apartment near Fenway Park.

    It was the fact that he has all…that and is still getting laid that really makes me hate him.

    EDIT: Well now that I've seen the picture of him via the link…I have to say, I wouldn't kick him out of bed myself.

    1. tessiee

      So of course, I had to click the link…
      Wow, he really IS cute!
      Now if only he could be trained to keep his mouth shut.

  32. ednamillion22

    Did you catch the contemptible "see his stuff" section?

    On 'his' TV, which is (natch) owned by his parents, he watches 'Breaking Bad'. And it made me think that I'd pay a decent chuck of money to let Walter White have at him. Or, even better, Mike.

  33. Steverino247

    I'm surprised he even drives to see his girlfriend. She must have figured out how to train him to do something because nobody else appears to be able to do that.

  34. Beowoof

    One of the hardest things I did as a parent was to teach my kids to work. At the time they hated me, which was okay, I was just doing my job. Now they are both trying to teach their kids the same things and appreciate me a whole lot more. And I would like to hit this guy in the head with a bag votes, okay I would also like a couple of bricks in the bag.

  35. tessiee

    "give women complete, unbiased medical information if they have an unexpected pregnancy"

    Which at least puts him one up on Todd Akin.

  36. tessiee

    "Abortion should be legal through age 26."

    "The fetus becomes a person when it is admitted to Med School." — my friend Debbie

  37. tessiee

    "Tyler thinks all elected leaders — not just the president — should cooperate to help the country grow."

    "Why are you filibustering yourself? Why are you filibustering yourself? Why are you…"

  38. tessiee

    After so much Loathesome over the past few days and weeks, all this Vapid is like a nice, refreshing palate cleanser.

  39. decentcitizen

    I call bullshit. How hard did the media have to look before they found this useless turd to showcase?

  40. Gleem McShineys

    Wow, an entitled carefree dickbucket! I am not jealous, however, because this fuckstick actually can sit by a pool, dribbling ironic juicebox juice into his ironic beard and actually think with his brain-area "Am I happy?"

    Tyler York / Billy Madison 2012

  41. chascates

    No angst about school loans or having to pay any rent? Sounds like Tyler hit the parent lottery.

  42. Negropolis

    The undecided voter is the scourge of the electorate. They are more shallow than the uneducated voter, if you ask me, but the worst thing about them is their self-righteousness.

  43. ttommyunger

    I'm guessing if I handed Tyler a baseball cap he would put it on backwards, after which he would prolly fall backwards, after being punched-with votes.

  44. Joey_Blau

    Capri Sun = horrible High Fructose Corn Syrup and water drink..

    I never let my kid drink that swill. might as well drink apple juice!

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