We're Doing It Live!

The Pinhead And The Patriot: Liveblogging The Jon Stewart – Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Pay-Per-View Event

Call us sellouts -- we were in a hurry and used their graphicsHere we are, in Wonkette’s State of the Art LiveBlogoPlex, ready for an infotainment extravaganza that will test our technology, our speed-typing, and our bad habit of trying to sound like a Jon Stewart wannabe. We have our beer and our falafel, and we are ready to go. Joining us for the debate tonight is Kid Zoom, who will be looking over our shoulder and telling us we’re using the computer all wrong.

Should you wish to access the online stream, it can be purchased here for $4.95, presumably even during the event; you’re supposed to be able to stream/download the thing afterwards as well, too. Half of the profits will go to charities of the debaters’ choice, if that assuages any qualms you might have about blowing five bucks on something involving Bill O’Reilly. Your Wonkette is all about assuaging qualms. Say that five times fast if you can.

8:00 OK, so they are starting! Already we are making stuff up, because watching on Kid Z’s computer didn’t work, so we have the debate streaming on the desktop and we are blogging on our own laptop. Here come the debatrices!

8:03 First question: Will people make their choice based on the economy? Bill: I don’t care, here’s my opening statement. He holds up a sign saying “Debt is Bad” — Oh, but c’mon, John Maynard Keynes could kick your ass, Bill.

8:07 Ha-Ha, Bill sez the poster child for the “entitlement society is Sandra Fluke. Yep. Jon’s opening statement: “My friend Mr. O’Reilly is full of shit.” I want to get one of those elevator podiums Stewart has. Stewart now points out that most of our problems stem from the alternate reality created by the media talking machine, or “Bullshit Mountain.”

8:11 Jon dubs Bill the “Mayor of Bullshit Mountain.” We have arrived at Stewart’s favorite talking point: the Hype Machine leads to outrageous hyperbole like the notion that our Nation is endangered by the Kenyan Usurper. O’Reilly returns by asking why NPR gets our money…and then equates progressive taxation with Maoism.

8:15 Stewart points out that we all have tax dollars going to things we don’t like. O’Reilly continues to point out how much he thinks Bill Moyers is a waste of money.

8:20 Next question: What is to blame for our economic troubles? O’Reilly: Small business is afraid of the cost of Obamacare. He has pre-made cards for this stuff. The free market will eventually sort this all out, but it’s Obama’s fault that gas prices have gone up. Stewbeef replies: going from a surplus to a deficit in Bush’s 8 years kind of had something to do with it. O’Reilly: Bush is gone, shut up!

8:22 Stewart: You want to talk entitlement? Bush ran 2 wars and a couple of tax cuts on credit… Bill-O jumps on Stewart’s apparent confusion of the deficit and the debt…and I’m really enjoying this “1554” dark ale.

8:25 New question: Is the expansion of entitlements making us a different society? Stewart: Humans like free stuff. The real question is whether Obama has fundamentally changed the relationship between Americans and government, and no he han’t. Now we get a brief discussion (maybe) of who’s a taker and who’s a maker?

8:28 Stewart: On Bullshit Mountain, “my needs” are just fair and decent. “Their needs” are entitlements. For example, Bill O’Reilly grew up in Levittown, which was financed by — tadaa — mortgage interest deductions and soldiers on the GI Bill.

8:31 Bill-O likes the private sector, which makes agreements on a contractual basis. This contract doesn’t apply to Sandra Fluke and her fuckpills. Stewart: “Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax deduction, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of a program that feeds you when you’re hungry, you’re a moocher?”

8:35 New question: Middle East policy: Bill-o’s sign now sez “Drones yes, Waterboarding no.” He believes this is hypocritical, Stewart thinks drones are bad, too.

8:38 Stewart thinks that encouraging democracy in the Middle East may result in elections for people we don’t like much. O’Reilly thinks we need to yell a lot more at Iran, which is not twitchy enough yet. We also need to tongue-kiss Bibi Netanyahu.

8:42 Kid Zoom has brought his father a fresh beer. He’s a good kid. Moderator is having about as much success in quieting these guys as Jim Lehrer did. Stewart seems to think that Obama should not be judged more harshly than other presidents for attacks on embassies, O’Reilly points out that they are no longer in office.

8:45 Jerry and the Pacemakers libel!!! (Gerry?)

8:47 New question on media bias; we return to a favorite Stewart talking point: the real bias is for sensationalism, not liberalism, and FoxNews is an over-reaction to a perceived leftist bias. Fox is an autoimmune disease, “the Lupus of TV News.”

8:48 Shout-out to Sara Benincasa, who we hope will throw some abuse our way

8:50 We will now talk about the Constitution. E Plebnista! Jon Stewart seems to believe in the old-fashioned notion of the social contract. That commie.

8:51 Bipartisan agreement on the awfulness of CNN

8:53 The War on Christmas starts early this year. The Jewish guy has a perspective on this, which Kid Zoom agrees with wholly: “Walk a mile in Hannukah shoes.” Bill-O declares victory in the War on Christmas, and the ACLU is bad.

8:55 Why haven’t we heard anything about immigration reform? It’s all starting to blur into syllables, really. We should have eaten dinner before this thing. Oh! The military! If we’re going to have a war, we should actually share the burden. Bill-O opposes the draft, because draftees are laaaaame. Both love The Troops.

9:00 Kid Zoom is ordering subs. What a fine child. And a question about switching from Electoral to popular voting. Stewart likes popular vote, O’Reilly likes the protection for small states’ influence with the Electoral College. I want brown mustard on my sub.

9:05 Bill-O wants to be Supreme Ruler of the Civilized world, but with limits on voting for “more participatory democracy,” what???

9:07 Healthcare changes? Who deserves care? Bill wants Insurance companies to have MORE power to make the system work more efficiently, with no gummint interference. Interstate competition will make health insurance as free as the credit card industry. Stewbeef wants single-payer, which has never worked anywhere on the planet, ever.

9:11 Epic Stewart facepalm!

9:13 If we can make a military work, why would gummint healthcare necessarily be horrible? Somehow this makes O’Reilly think of Deepak Chopra.

9:15 Why vote for Obama? Stewart: It’s a race between him and Mitt Romney. And the SUBS are here! Kid Zoom’s favorite, BLT with Turkey.

9:16 Who is your political hero? Stewart: Robert Kennedy. O’Reilly: Abraham Lincoln (We’d have bet on Reagan!) Stewart: But could a Lincoln get elected in today’s 24/7 media landscape?

9:20 What’s the biggest problem in our political discourse? Stewart: We’re having the wrong arguments. It’s not freedom vs. socialism, it’s that we can’t compromise or admit how close we are. O’Reilly: the big problem is that being an “assassin” pays really well. He does not mention the name “Glenn Beck,” but yeah.

9:25 The possibility of a serious discussion of Grover Norquist’s tax pledge vanishes into the aether.

9:28 What do you appreciate about your worthy opponent? Stewart: Bill’s smart and funny, and moves fairly fluidly for someone built like a Yeti. O’Reilly: I admire someone who’s been in rehab 6 times. But Stewart visits the Troops.

9:30 What advice do you have for America’s young people? Stewart: Don’t try to smoke the seeds. Also, this may be the best time to be alive, and I trust this generation. Please don’t think of me as a moocher when I collect my benefits. O’Reilly: Get offline, get outside, find what you’re good at — everyone’s good at someone…er, something!

We agree, actually. If folks like Kid Zoom are going to eventually run things, we’ll be just fine. Until the little bastards want the computer so they can play Fallout: New Vegas.

Thanks, and we hope you enjoyed this liveblog half as much as we enjoyed this sandwich.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • memzilla

    Wonkette Breaks Teh Internet In 8… 7… 6…

  • OzoneTom

    I'm too cheap to stream this so am depending on the Wonk-net to keep me apprised!

  • savethispatient

    Looks like the Rumble has got as many working servers and as much bandwidth as the Wonkettes does. Which I mean, I've lost sound and now the picture too. Oh well, who needs to watch things live these days, I'll watch it later at a time of my choosing.

    • memzilla

      My prescience — it scares me.

      • AlterNewt

        I knew you were going to say that.

    • viennawoods13

      Yeah, it took 5 minutes and a password change to get in. THEN I got a warning that the link in the email was taking me somewhere bad for my computer. Great.

      • savethispatient

        It's like a thrown-together one-off service doesn't have the same technical abilities as YouTube / Netflix. I have some sympathy for them, but still, it's terrible PR for them. Hopefully the on-demand stuff will work once the event is over.

        • Tundra Grifter

          I am an amateur in these matters, but it makes you wonder why they didn't contract with Hulu, Netflix, or another enterprise that does this every day.

          I am a big believer in hiring experts.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hah! For a change it wasn't OUR servers screwing up!

      I mean, damn, that's disappointing.

  • noodlesalad

    Will pundits assume that the audience for this event hates smart-sounding people, also?

  • jannut

    I can't even log on!

    • dcdivenut

      same here…

    • NellCote71

      Me neither. I have either signed up umpty13 times or not at all.

  • ProgressiveInga

    S. Carolina – 21
    Georgia – 0

    We're live-blogging the Dawgs game, right?

    • BumbleKid

      This game is giving me an ulcer.

      For realsies.

    • savethispatient

      What channel is that on? My friend is coming over to sob into his beer about that game… As a foreign-American I don't really have a college team. Is there something about the honor of being whupped 21-0 that should make me become a Georgia fan?

      • BumbleKid

        It's on ESPN.

        Become a Clemson fan, then enjoy spending the next two hours screaming at the television about cocks.

        • savethispatient

          Haha, I did catch some gamecock action last week, I think… I quite like the stadium with the hedges too. Was that Georgia? Seemed nice.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        As a Seattleite all you need to know is all dirt roads lead to Pullman.

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          How do you keep a Husky from digging up your garden?

          Put a goal post in it.

          • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

            Brilliant

  • vodkamuppet

    ZOMG Justin Verlander is sexing the Oakland A's so hard I just peed a little bit. Also, this guy is staring at me like he wants a beer but fuck him, I'm playing with my phone.

  • AlterNewt

    I forgot to have money!

    • AlterNewt

      Oh, here's some, but there's no slot

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Stewart is only 5'7"? Holy shit.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      But he doesn't have to harass women to get them in bed.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Rock solid rule of celebrities…they are short. I am 5'8"" (used to be maybe 5'10"") and I have met Sly Stalone, Mr. T., Bruce da Boss, and I'm forgetting who else. I have towered over these guys.

      • Veritas78

        Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman. All you need is an oversized head and the camera loves you.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Tom Cruise. Sylvester Stallone.

    • Negropolis

      He's actually only 5'6", but when he got his own show and got more famous he suddenly "grew" an inch. lol Still, that's better than most male celebs; most of them add two inches to their height once they make it big.

    • mmeetoilenoir

      5'7" worth of sexxxx, thankyouverymuch.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole…

  • courtneyesq

    Haven't been able to purchase/log in for the last 20 minutes. These Internets are awesome.

    • NellCote71

      Is this 2012 or 1992? Sometimes I wonder.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I remember a radio program…To the Best of Our Knowledge, maybe?…that had a segment on how we basically have a lot of the World of Tomorrow stuff that 50's science fiction imagined…but that it just works really crappily.

  • MistaEko

    8:15 Roomba trips over the Wonkette server power cord
    8:16 Roomba trips over the GW server power cord. Wait a minute … OH MY GOD THE DEBATE IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

  • Tundra Grifter

    The last minute folks are fighting to get in like drunken tourists over a North Beach parking space.

    I'll watch my Louis Black DVD tonight (well, it's not really mine, I rented it) and catch up with this one later.

    I do HIGHLY recommend the documentary "Why We Fight." Not the Frank Capra WWII one – this one is from the mid 2000's. Didja ever wonder if 9/11 was "blowback?"

    Check it out!

    PS: GO GIANTS!

  • l_boogie

    Not me! I paid money to see 404 and "connection reset" errors for the past twenty minutes.

    • OzoneTom

      Well at least you know that 25% of your moolah went to Jon's charity and 25% went to Bills.

    • Tequila Mockingbird

      Same here. But luckily I'm on the same computer that I registered from, so I just went to the main page and it remembered me. Cookiez n' shit.

      • l_boogie

        I'm on the same. Nothing is working for me. Tried same browser, two additional browsers. It doesn't even attempt to load now. Instant 404.

  • AlterNewt

    Who is moderating the debate? Jim Lehrer? Nobody? Same thing?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Hi Kid Zoom. Try to keep the old man on the straight and narrow.

    • Kid_Zoom

      Well, he buys me food, my hands are tied.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well heck–he created an account to try to participate, and the comments ended up in Moderation Limbo…and I don't have administrator power to approve 'em. What he tried to say was that his hands are tied, in that I am the one who he relies on for food and shelter.

      This is so very true. He is on a very short leash.

  • Barbara_

    What? Sorry, Jeff wanted to play "escaped convict and warden's wife."
    Now I have to go make some carne asada street tacos and drink beer.

    • Barrelhse

      Oh, like The Green Mile?

    • memzilla

      As a penalty, or as a reward?

      • Barbara_

        Lol Memzilla! The house is spotless, the smell of freshly baked bread for my birds tomorrow is wafting through the house, I hauled ice up to the loft for Jeff's beer and he had to give me something for a reward.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Stewart has already said 'shit' and/or 'fuck' at least 10 times. O'Reilly hasn't sworn once. But he has uttered Bill Moyers' name about 5 or 6 times.

    Also, why the fuck is ED Hill moderating this? She's the one who got fired (yes, FI-YAD) from Faux News for calling Obama's fist bump a terrorist fist jab. Also, she looks like a goddamn Doric column in that sausage dress.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      A Moyer is what Foxies call their assholes. They're that rude.

  • Barrelhse

    Papa-ooh-Mao-Mao

  • memzilla

    Well, we could have a debate of our own! Here's a topic:

    RESOLVED: YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO LIVE-STREAM AN OVERHYPED WEB EVENT WITH SERVERS YOU BOUGHT AT KMART, WITH LESS BANDWIDTH THAN A KID GETS THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW.

    I'll take the "pro" side.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    If Bill-O equates progressive taxation with Maoism, Jon should equate Mormon tithing to re-distribution. Because that's what it is. Rmoney has been practicing the thing he rails against for HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Tithing isn't actually redistribution, so he's safe. The tithe goes to bricks and mortar, and I believe to missions. Direct charitable work is mostly funded through dedicated funding (still generous– Mormons really do walk the walk).

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Sorry, I disagree.They might walk the walk, but they appear to restrict their largesse to their own kind.I live in Arizona, surrounded by Mormons, and I fail ever to see them extend their generosity to non-Mormons unless the recipient agrees to participate in an indoctrination.

        • HouseOfTheBlueLights

          That's true, but I don't actually have a problem with in-group charity (ymmv); this is the case with a lot of interest groups. My point was more that we shouldn't conflate "tithing" with "charity."

    • Tundra Grifter

      Jukes:

      Check out the article in Bloomberg Business Week on "Mormon, Inc." They have more money than God.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    All that air-conditioning must have sucked the available bandwidth.

  • savethispatient

    What's really weird is that I've somehow managed to lose NBC as well. WTF?

  • Kid_Zoom

    Bill O'Reilly: Obama is causing workplace injuries. He has truly earned the title, mayor of bullshit mountain.

  • AlterNewt

    Is Kid Zoom a teenager? If so, he must think this is some stupid shit going on here.

    • Kid_Zoom

      No i don't. I worship Jon Stewart, and watching him call Bill O'Reilly's crap is AWESOME.

      • AlterNewt

        Glad to hear it. Also glad that you have made it through the 'comment limbo' holding area.

    • Kid_Zoom

      Hey, I can watch Jon Stewart call Bill O'Reilly on his crap. I love this.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i think KidZoom is our new overlord.

      • AlterNewt

        Well then. We welcome him.

        • UW8316154

          Welcome, Kid Zoom.

      • Simple J Malarkey

        His name must be Luke. Blogging on Wonkette is now a hereditary sinecure, like NBC News.

        • AlterNewt

          False equivalence- DRINK!

          • Simple J Malarkey

            Assuaging qualms — DRINK!
            Plus a penalty drink if you can't say "assuaging qualms" five times

    • Negropolis

      I, for one, welcome our teenage overlord. Can't be any worse than our elected officials.

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey dok, shouldn't that be "1554" Dark Ages Ale?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i thought it was '1664' ale? (for realz)

      at least that is what dad fuflans used to rave about. from belgium or some other such mythical place.

      • Radiotherapy

        Thanks for the enlightenment.

      • savethispatient

        Kronenbourg 1664 is a bit like Stella, fairly popular in Britain / Yurp. It's supposed to be French, I think… What I assume the good doctor is drinking is 1554 Enlightened Black Ale by New Belgium Brewing (which apparently is from Colorado).

        • jqheywood

          And a mighty fine brew it is!

        • Doktor Zoom

          What he said!

  • SaraJBenincasa

    I'm just here to tell you pansy liberal fucks to fuck off. I am going to get so drunk with Rebecca and be so mean when we liveblog the VP debate on Thursday. I am conservative now, surprise, I love Bill O'Reilly!

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Are you already drunk? At 5:30 in California?

      • SaraJBenincasa

        What do they call it again when you have snorted the heroins with your butthole?

        • AlterNewt

          A relapse?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            That, or a prolapse.

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Saturday.

        • Texan_Bulldog

          Painful?

        • savethispatient

          Thursday. You were right the first time.

        • Negropolis

          Rock bottomed? Or is that when one inserts crack up there? I've never been good with drug terms.

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Hosting Fox and Friends?

    • AlterNewt

      Oh god, oh god, oh god Sara

      • SaraJBenincasa

        What is the Jon Stewart doing? I am not even watching it, I need teh Wonkette to tell me what is happening. I am watching a film called "Cobra," which is written by one Sylvester Stallone.

        • AlterNewt

          Never mind that now. Here is what I said here JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, AND IT'S COME TRUE:
          Some say that right about this time on a Friday afternoon / evening, if you stare real hard at the Wonkette logo and repeat the words "Sara Benincassa" three times, she will appear from the mist and utter endearing insults to all who have summoned her.

          But I think it's just superstition.

          • SaraJBenincasa

            Wait did you really say that?! It is so true! I am just a day late, is all. And watching "Cobra." But here I am, being mean!

          • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

            yes he really fucking did and just like fucking bloody resurrection mary or whatever the hell we all did when were 10 at a sleepover HERE YOU ARE.

          • SaraJBenincasa

            Let's play light as a feather, stiff as a board!

          • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

            i used to cheat at that (and ouija board) all the time. only this one time i didn't and i'm pretty sure there was some kind of occult.

            this was like in 1988.

          • UW8316154

            Sounds dirty!

          • AlterNewt

            Actually, it was a week ago and you're not really being mean, but otherwise I was right on the money.

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            True fact: I have never seen that movie but for some reason I had this poster on my wall as a kid. I was a weird child and now I spend too much time on Wonkette, the end.

        • ElPinche

          Im the disease and you're the cure!! *BOOM* ARGGGGGHRRGGHHHH …MY THROAT!! ARGGHGHhhgh *FLOP*

          • SaraJBenincasa

            AHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOOD "COBRA" REFERENCE. Since you are a Wonketteer you are a bastard person but clearly you deserve to live.

          • Barbara_

            Sara, did you come up for a name for your LA stand up gig?

        • Simple J Malarkey

          I am watching a film called "Cobra," which is written by one Sylvester Stallone.

          When did a Stallone movie become a "film"??

          Now who's the pansy ass California fuck on this thread??

        • Negropolis

          One Sly is as much as I can take, so it's good it's only written by one of them.

          • Simple J Malarkey

            One Cobra is as much as I can take. I certainly don't want to waste it on Sly's.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      You can lurve Bill O'Reilly for, say, spunk I imagine? But he just got pwned by Stewart when the latter made an unlikely connection btw. Title IX and the 2012 GOP convention~

    • Radiotherapy

      Switched sides, didya?

      • SaraJBenincasa

        Hahaha, I am a bornagain conservatron bloggerer, I loves the RedState!

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Are they paying you enough to rent Stallone films?! When you worked here I suppose you had to get them at the soon-to-be-disappeared public library. Do Doritos come with that?

        • ElPinche

          I live life like a stallone movie. No job? Bleeding out of the ole butthole and no healthcare? Who fuckin cares, just sweat it out man. Like Nam, just engage the enemy. And run…run like hell.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Video or GTFO! Wait…

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      bout time we got a wingtard on the wonkette board of directors.

      for fairness.

    • memzilla

      Sara, if you ever want to get a transfer from the Zombie Squad to something easier, or you need anything, just say the word.

    • Negropolis

      Missed you and glad to hear you'll be here for Veep debates, which I've titled "Howdy Dudey vs. The Dude."

  • vodkamuppet

    ZOMG just because I'm a bartender these dicks think I exist to serve them. "LISTEN FUCKO, REMEMBER ME? I GOT YOU BLASTED EARLIER TODAY AND I ALREADY HAVE ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW FUCK OFF IM TRYING TO READ WONKETTE.

    • OzoneTom

      You are my hero!

      BTW, where's my drink?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i wish i was at your bar.

    • UW8316154

      I wish you were at my house.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Note to self: reading about a useless political debate while getting high and listening to Sufjan Stevens will not get you excited for Saturday night. You may in fact develop an overwhelming urge to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and cry like a four-year-old girl.

    • savethispatient

      You could aim a little higher: you could cry like that Santorum-child.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Sorry, all I read was "a little higher."

        Sparks lighter, inhales from bowl, coughs, eats four Milky Ways

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          That's it Opus. I can't let you go through this alone. Sparking up now for solidarity.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Huh?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You say that as if it was a bad thing.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    is bamz losing already?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    “Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax deduction, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of a program that feeds you when you’re hungry, you’re a moocher?”

    To date, the central question of the American 21st century.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      and i think we're losing the argument.

  • Kid_Zoom

    6:40 Now acting as the good Doktor's beer runner.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Shit, democracy in America results in elections of people we don’t like much, and BillO's rants against Democrats are proof enough of that maxim. Oh wait, I forgot that to understand that point he would need self-awareness and a sense of shame.

  • OzoneTom

    I would not kiss Bibi Netanyahu even with O'Reilly's tongue.

    • tessiee

      "Bibi Netanyahu"

      Isn't she the Broadway song and dance entertainer who is also a hideous, mutant octopus, underwater hellbeast?

      • James Michael Curley

        Netanyahu was the merger of a clunky web browser and a lame internet portal.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Bill'O just kept it realz by mentioning Lil Wayne. BOOM!

  • littlebigdaddy

    The internetz go on, the internetz go off, you can't explain that.

  • SaraJBenincasa

    I need you people to tell me to go back to writing my novel and stop rolling around in this muck and filth with the plebes. Also how is Jon Stewart doing?

    • littlebigdaddy

      50 Shades of Off-White?

    • AlterNewt

      Who?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I'm falling in love with him all over again, Sara.

      • SaraJBenincasa

        Is his hair dreamy?

        • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

          More like, the smirk that launched a thousand girl-boners

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Consider writing insults on Wonkette as your warm-up, like stretching before a run.

      • BerkeleyBear

        I've tried that exercise routine – problem is, you leave all the good lines in the stretching phase.

  • LibrarianX

    Can Jon make Billo's head explode – Scanner's style? Totally worth $4.95.

  • Kid_Zoom

    Oh God, Bill O'Reilly just made me laugh. THE END IS NOW

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    'the lupis of TV news' is pretty genius.

  • Kid_Zoom

    Can someone tell me if my damn commenta are appearing?

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      Aw, I'm sorry you found yourself locked out on your first night of fun and games on the Wonkette. Back when they switched over to the new commenting system all of the cool kids were automatically cleared to comment and mostly lurkers like myself were posting desperately pleading comments that went into a vast nothingness for days until Ken finally got around to approving us. Odd bit is, I so desperately wanted to comment during that time and I couldn't, now that I can, meh.

  • OzoneTom

    Isn't Hanukkah a leading element in the War on Xmas?

  • The_Lucky_Wife

    Victory in the War on Christmas! Hurray! Now I won't have to put up with stores commercializing the Birth of Christ.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Jon Stewart seems to believe in the old-fashioned notion of the social contract

    yeah, that goddamned enlightenment. beginning of the end of america as we know it.

    fucking french assholes.

    • AlterNewt

      Things were so much better before that .

      (Sympathies and good wishes on your job thing, BTW.)

  • Kid_Zoom

    7:02 Just ordered Blimpie for me and the good Doktor. Am I my father's waiter?

    • Geminisunmars

      Just wait until he is 85 and you are 50ish. Good times await you both.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    The War on Christmas has been won! Comrades, it is time to drink potato vodka and sing songs for the Motherland! O Canada, our home and native land…

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i for one will welcome kid zoom as our new overlord.

    especially if there is mustard.

    • AlterNewt

      Not the French kind, of course.

    • tessiee

      Don't you mean "musturd"?

      • Geminisunmars

        True story. We called it "mouseturds" in my family. I didn't understand why other families wouldn't let their kids play with me.

        • Iam_Who_Iam

          In our family we all loved mush melon, which until I was a young adult did not know people called cantaloupe or musk melon, at which time a friend taunted me with great zeal. Now I wish we had Wikipedia in those days, as there I am told this name is not unheard of. I wonder where that mean bastard is now, maybe I can find him on fb just to send him this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cantaloupe

    • Negropolis

      Yes, but one tip, don't take the brown mustard.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    They pay Dok enough to order TWO subs? Man, I want one of these sweet blogger gigs.

    • savethispatient

      Kid Zoom is a teenager, right? Surely that's old enough to be sent down a mine?

      • Doktor Zoom

        I just read your comment aloud. "Don't you dare," says he. As he explores a postapocalyptic sodapop factory…

        • Negropolis

          We get the wrong president, and he may end up an assistant janitor at his high school. You know, 'cause freedom or some shit.

  • OzoneTom

    It's a "good" Democracy only if the "right" people get to vote!

  • viennawoods13

    Newsflash, Billo: I get GREAT health care here in Canada.

  • savethispatient

    Kid Zoom has brought his father a fresh beer.
    You're suddenly making a persuasive argument for having children.
    Kid Zoom is ordering subs.
    Z.O.M.G.

    • BumbleKid

      Haha strong argument for having children or hiring a manservant.

      The manservant will be named Alfred (obvs).

      • Doktor Zoom

        Kid Zoom refuses to wear the livery we bought. Little ingrate.

        • BumbleKid

          Ugh, kids today.

  • Radiotherapy

    MRI's for everybody!!1!
    Insurance Bureaucrats Rock!!1!

  • Troubledog

    Bill, say the birthers and truthers are crazy, and let's all go home. Say there is no conspiracy. We just disagree. Just say it.

  • AlterNewt

    Let's sum up:

    America: good
    Troops: good
    Everything else: undecided/ disputed

  • OzoneTom

    To paraphrase Stephen Baldwin in "The Usual Suspects," Lincoln was a fag.

    • Negropolis

      To paraphrase Stephen Baldwin in current time in real life "I'll suck you dick for five dollar."

  • AlterNewt

    " But could a Lincoln get elected in today’s 24/7 media landscape?"

    Would he have to go on "The View"?

    • littlebigdaddy

      He'd have to make whoopi with Whoopi.

      • tessiee

        But not by calling her a "comely Negress", like in that episode of Star Trek where he met Lt. Uhura.

    • BenGleck

      What about a Cadillac?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hey Bill — the new age is just a bit younger than Gerry and the Pacemakers.

  • Madam Killjoy

    That the brown mustard that is circulating around us isn't too good. It is suggested that you stay away from that. Of course it's your own trip. So be my guest, but please be advised that there is a warning on that one, ok?

    P.S. Kid Zoom rulez

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh — Bill O'Reilly gets a participation award!

  • OzoneTom

    The Zoom household sure gets quick sub service down there.

    • Doktor Zoom

      We are only 3 blocks away!

      • OzoneTom

        No wonder all three of my nephews moved to Boise.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    What the hell kind of plaque was that? Some sort of Raelian insignia? See you on the volcano for the arrival of the mothership, Bill.

  • ttommyunger

    I would watch this but we just rescued two cats to replace our beloved Attla "Tha Killa" who recently passed at the ripe old age of l8. Yes, they are more important to me than anything Bill-O could be involved in.

    • ElPinche

      RIP Attla tha Killa
      I prefer the debated filtered through wonktards instead of actually looking at that giant shitbag.

      • ttommyunger

        FER FUCKING SURE!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Sorry to hear about your loss! Kittehs are definitely a higher priority. Good onya for rescuing qats!

      • ttommyunger

        Five rescue dogs as well. These are male litter-mates nearly a year old. They will be a challenge, even if confined mostly to our basement, as Attilla was.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      oh so nice for romulus and remus (or whatever follows up attila). go GA kittehs!

      we are getting another soon…

      • ttommyunger

        Boots and Rowdy are establishing their domain as I tap this out.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

    • Mojopo

      Way cool! Congrats on the new additions to your fam.

      • ttommyunger

        Much thanks!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • OzoneTom

    I'm guessing that Gov. Romney will be getting a bump from this debate also.
    Or not.

  • chascates

    Nicely done, Doc. I couldn't afford the live-view fee but I got the gist that I still can't stand Bill O'Reilly.

  • LagunaB

    I thought this was an Abortionplex? Where are the live abortions? And the weeping girls? What a thrilla.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Did I miss anything? Awwwww don't answer that.

  • AlterNewt

    Thanks, Dok and Spawn of Dok.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Kid Zoom says he can work with "Spawn of Dok."

      • AlterNewt

        I thought it lent a little gravitas, in light of his Overlord in Waiting status.

        • Doktor Zoom

          And far better than Papa Dok and Baby Dok.

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so Mr. Poe Tate O'Reilly actually fucked it and did in live?! Well cover my blah!

    Totally OT, but is anywhere hoping that Hugo Chavez finally loses, tomorrow, if only because fourteen years is too long for any elected executive to be in office?

    • fishskicanoe

      Yes, it would be a good thing. But he isn't. He's our hemispheres Robert Mugabe.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      " because fourteen years is too long for any elected executive to be in office?"
      Tell that to Rick Perry

      • NellCote71

        Beat me to it but I as going with the Wonkette meme, Do you know who else has been in office for 14 years?

        • Doktor Zoom

          All 3-term senators?

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    I falafel that I missed this.

  • LibertyLover

    Did you order enough subs for everyone to have? No you did not.

  • tessiee

    "the SUBS are here! Kid Zoom’s favorite, BLT with Turkey"

    I'm all in favor of Turkey BLTs, but wouldn't a falafel have been more meta?

  • mosjef

    Isn't a falafel what Bill O'Really takes in the shower with him when he wants to sex up wimmens?

    • Negropolis

      "Isn't a falafel what Bill O'Really takes in the shower with him when he imagines wants to sex(ing) up wimmens?"

      Fixed. 'Cause that bastard hasn't seen ladybits since Britney Spears carelessly exited that limo.

  • Mojopo

    I watched on my Roku – it was error report-free and not jumpy. The quality of the cameras left much to be desired, but the content was so frickin' great that it didn't matter. Jon made the best points, but I really liked it when he made a point about entitlements by mentioning Billo's father receiving disability payments.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Billo: "Which he completely deserved!"

      Wotta ass.

      • Mojopo

        He wrapped himself in a blanket of bullshit and Jon totally called him on it. That point hit the mark so deep, bitch is never coming out.

  • barto

    the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, kid zoom… when are we going to get another fallout <sad face>

  • Negropolis

    Fox is an autoimmune disease, “the Lupus of TV News.”

    Oh, that was good, reel guhd.

  • anniegetyerfun

    It never occurred to me that one day, this kicking fetus would turn into a kid who could lecture me on computers, bring me beer, and order me a sammich. Thank you for making the decision to reproduce suddenly seem reasonable.

    • Doktor Zoom

      They're remarkably good to have around. They turn into near-adults astonishingly quickly, but that's OK, because the conversations take some surprising turns.

      • CivicHoliday

        "astonishingly quickly" in hind sight perhaps. I am at home with two kids under 3 and dammitall if neither of them will go grab mommy a beer even if she bribes them with gummy bears

        • Doktor Zoom

          Yes, there's that. I am rather fond of Ian Frazier's "The Cursing Mommy" columns. I see he's taken the concept and made it a book; I'm skeptical as to whether it can really stay funny beyond a short piece though.

      • Pithaughn

        We made ours with parts on hand. He is taking us sailing in the BVI over Xmas break.
        I just love to brag about him.

  • Negropolis

    Doktor Zoom,

    Don't eat the brown mustard.

  • Benny

    T'was fun,although I must say ,Jon took it easy on Bill'O after the first half.Now,woulda been too easy to smack the shit outta that punk,so I understand why he didn't,but it still pissed me off he didn't wipe the floor with that fucking falafel-face-dumb-ass clown with his stupid fucking cards.

    Still…t'was fun.

    *drink*

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I wuz out. Somewhere. Not sure where. But it involved food and wine and beer and the Blasters and Sara Benincasa. Or Dave Alvin cd's with Mojo Nixon. I have no fucking idea.

    Anyway, great thread.
    Kid Zoom should be made into sammich and beer. Becca can fundraise.
    wabbkdle094394nakdddddd&)($&) ddnnnnnnnnn

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    In world news, the Philippine Government has finally settled with the MILFs. I think I know what their leaders get out of this, but what about the MILFs? Hopefully more than just flowers. Possibly a BMW SUV or something?

    • JustPixelz

      The MILFs get a semi-autonomous region to be called … wait for it … Bangsamoro.

      • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        Well it was better than getting just the town of Boobjob.

  • Calapine

    I want to be payed for blogging too. It seems so much cooler than my current job. :(

  • finallyhappy

    Haha- I saw Looper- it did cost us over $20(the old buy gets in for 9.50 but I have to pay $12)- so much better than this debate- even if was a mish mash of several other films and TV shows(as I saw it)

    • ElPinche

      At least it wasn't a reboot of a reboot of reboot.

  • finallyhappy

    War on Chanukah! Screw that- today is Hoshana Rabbah-and no we do not beat each other with the willow branches- we are Jews, not Opus Dei

    • Geminisunmars

      Are you using last year's calendar?

      • finallyhappy

        I am missing a joke? It is definitely Hoshana Rabbah- we had services today

        • Geminisunmars

          My apologies. I am the joke. I was half asleep when I read that as Rosh Hoshana. Non-observant Jews shouldn't make jokes.

  • DahBoner

    I stream stuff all the time. It's all paid for by puppet pills…

  • Esteev

    I liked E.D. Hill's microphone.

  • owhatever

    You got a sub ordered and delivered in fifteen minutes?