WE'RE DOING IT LIVE!  7:57 pm October 6, 2012

The Pinhead And The Patriot: Liveblogging The Jon Stewart – Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Pay-Per-View Event

by Doktor Zoom

Call us sellouts -- we were in a hurry and used their graphicsHere we are, in Wonkette’s State of the Art LiveBlogoPlex, ready for an infotainment extravaganza that will test our technology, our speed-typing, and our bad habit of trying to sound like a Jon Stewart wannabe. We have our beer and our falafel, and we are ready to go. Joining us for the debate tonight is Kid Zoom, who will be looking over our shoulder and telling us we’re using the computer all wrong.

Should you wish to access the online stream, it can be purchased here for $4.95, presumably even during the event; you’re supposed to be able to stream/download the thing afterwards as well, too. Half of the profits will go to charities of the debaters’ choice, if that assuages any qualms you might have about blowing five bucks on something involving Bill O’Reilly. Your Wonkette is all about assuaging qualms. Say that five times fast if you can.

8:00 OK, so they are starting! Already we are making stuff up, because watching on Kid Z’s computer didn’t work, so we have the debate streaming on the desktop and we are blogging on our own laptop. Here come the debatrices!

8:03 First question: Will people make their choice based on the economy? Bill: I don’t care, here’s my opening statement. He holds up a sign saying “Debt is Bad” — Oh, but c’mon, John Maynard Keynes could kick your ass, Bill.

8:07 Ha-Ha, Bill sez the poster child for the “entitlement society is Sandra Fluke. Yep. Jon’s opening statement: “My friend Mr. O’Reilly is full of shit.” I want to get one of those elevator podiums Stewart has. Stewart now points out that most of our problems stem from the alternate reality created by the media talking machine, or “Bullshit Mountain.”

8:11 Jon dubs Bill the “Mayor of Bullshit Mountain.” We have arrived at Stewart’s favorite talking point: the Hype Machine leads to outrageous hyperbole like the notion that our Nation is endangered by the Kenyan Usurper. O’Reilly returns by asking why NPR gets our money…and then equates progressive taxation with Maoism.

8:15 Stewart points out that we all have tax dollars going to things we don’t like. O’Reilly continues to point out how much he thinks Bill Moyers is a waste of money.

8:20 Next question: What is to blame for our economic troubles? O’Reilly: Small business is afraid of the cost of Obamacare. He has pre-made cards for this stuff. The free market will eventually sort this all out, but it’s Obama’s fault that gas prices have gone up. Stewbeef replies: going from a surplus to a deficit in Bush’s 8 years kind of had something to do with it. O’Reilly: Bush is gone, shut up!

8:22 Stewart: You want to talk entitlement? Bush ran 2 wars and a couple of tax cuts on credit… Bill-O jumps on Stewart’s apparent confusion of the deficit and the debt…and I’m really enjoying this “1554″ dark ale.

8:25 New question: Is the expansion of entitlements making us a different society? Stewart: Humans like free stuff. The real question is whether Obama has fundamentally changed the relationship between Americans and government, and no he han’t. Now we get a brief discussion (maybe) of who’s a taker and who’s a maker?

8:28 Stewart: On Bullshit Mountain, “my needs” are just fair and decent. “Their needs” are entitlements. For example, Bill O’Reilly grew up in Levittown, which was financed by — tadaa — mortgage interest deductions and soldiers on the GI Bill.

8:31 Bill-O likes the private sector, which makes agreements on a contractual basis. This contract doesn’t apply to Sandra Fluke and her fuckpills. Stewart: “Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax deduction, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of a program that feeds you when you’re hungry, you’re a moocher?”

8:35 New question: Middle East policy: Bill-o’s sign now sez “Drones yes, Waterboarding no.” He believes this is hypocritical, Stewart thinks drones are bad, too.

8:38 Stewart thinks that encouraging democracy in the Middle East may result in elections for people we don’t like much. O’Reilly thinks we need to yell a lot more at Iran, which is not twitchy enough yet. We also need to tongue-kiss Bibi Netanyahu.

8:42 Kid Zoom has brought his father a fresh beer. He’s a good kid. Moderator is having about as much success in quieting these guys as Jim Lehrer did. Stewart seems to think that Obama should not be judged more harshly than other presidents for attacks on embassies, O’Reilly points out that they are no longer in office.

8:45 Jerry and the Pacemakers libel!!! (Gerry?)

8:47 New question on media bias; we return to a favorite Stewart talking point: the real bias is for sensationalism, not liberalism, and FoxNews is an over-reaction to a perceived leftist bias. Fox is an autoimmune disease, “the Lupus of TV News.”

8:48 Shout-out to Sara Benincasa, who we hope will throw some abuse our way

8:50 We will now talk about the Constitution. E Plebnista! Jon Stewart seems to believe in the old-fashioned notion of the social contract. That commie.

8:51 Bipartisan agreement on the awfulness of CNN

8:53 The War on Christmas starts early this year. The Jewish guy has a perspective on this, which Kid Zoom agrees with wholly: “Walk a mile in Hannukah shoes.” Bill-O declares victory in the War on Christmas, and the ACLU is bad.

8:55 Why haven’t we heard anything about immigration reform? It’s all starting to blur into syllables, really. We should have eaten dinner before this thing. Oh! The military! If we’re going to have a war, we should actually share the burden. Bill-O opposes the draft, because draftees are laaaaame. Both love The Troops.

9:00 Kid Zoom is ordering subs. What a fine child. And a question about switching from Electoral to popular voting. Stewart likes popular vote, O’Reilly likes the protection for small states’ influence with the Electoral College. I want brown mustard on my sub.

9:05 Bill-O wants to be Supreme Ruler of the Civilized world, but with limits on voting for “more participatory democracy,” what???

9:07 Healthcare changes? Who deserves care? Bill wants Insurance companies to have MORE power to make the system work more efficiently, with no gummint interference. Interstate competition will make health insurance as free as the credit card industry. Stewbeef wants single-payer, which has never worked anywhere on the planet, ever.

9:11 Epic Stewart facepalm!

9:13 If we can make a military work, why would gummint healthcare necessarily be horrible? Somehow this makes O’Reilly think of Deepak Chopra.

9:15 Why vote for Obama? Stewart: It’s a race between him and Mitt Romney. And the SUBS are here! Kid Zoom’s favorite, BLT with Turkey.

9:16 Who is your political hero? Stewart: Robert Kennedy. O’Reilly: Abraham Lincoln (We’d have bet on Reagan!) Stewart: But could a Lincoln get elected in today’s 24/7 media landscape?

9:20 What’s the biggest problem in our political discourse? Stewart: We’re having the wrong arguments. It’s not freedom vs. socialism, it’s that we can’t compromise or admit how close we are. O’Reilly: the big problem is that being an “assassin” pays really well. He does not mention the name “Glenn Beck,” but yeah.

9:25 The possibility of a serious discussion of Grover Norquist’s tax pledge vanishes into the aether.

9:28 What do you appreciate about your worthy opponent? Stewart: Bill’s smart and funny, and moves fairly fluidly for someone built like a Yeti. O’Reilly: I admire someone who’s been in rehab 6 times. But Stewart visits the Troops.

9:30 What advice do you have for America’s young people? Stewart: Don’t try to smoke the seeds. Also, this may be the best time to be alive, and I trust this generation. Please don’t think of me as a moocher when I collect my benefits. O’Reilly: Get offline, get outside, find what you’re good at — everyone’s good at someone…er, something!

We agree, actually. If folks like Kid Zoom are going to eventually run things, we’ll be just fine. Until the little bastards want the computer so they can play Fallout: New Vegas.

Thanks, and we hope you enjoyed this liveblog half as much as we enjoyed this sandwich.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 244 comments }

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Wonkette Breaks Teh Internet In 8… 7… 6…

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I'm too cheap to stream this so am depending on the Wonk-net to keep me apprised!

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Looks like the Rumble has got as many working servers and as much bandwidth as the Wonkettes does. Which I mean, I've lost sound and now the picture too. Oh well, who needs to watch things live these days, I'll watch it later at a time of my choosing.

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:11 pm

My prescience — it scares me.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I knew you were going to say that.

viennawoods13 October 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Yeah, it took 5 minutes and a password change to get in. THEN I got a warning that the link in the email was taking me somewhere bad for my computer. Great.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 9:38 pm

It's like a thrown-together one-off service doesn't have the same technical abilities as YouTube / Netflix. I have some sympathy for them, but still, it's terrible PR for them. Hopefully the on-demand stuff will work once the event is over.

Tundra Grifter October 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I am an amateur in these matters, but it makes you wonder why they didn't contract with Hulu, Netflix, or another enterprise that does this every day.

I am a big believer in hiring experts.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Hah! For a change it wasn't OUR servers screwing up!

I mean, damn, that's disappointing.

noodlesalad October 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Will pundits assume that the audience for this event hates smart-sounding people, also?

jannut October 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I can't even log on!

dcdivenut October 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm

same here…

NellCote71 October 6, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Me neither. I have either signed up umpty13 times or not at all.

ProgressiveInga October 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

S. Carolina – 21
Georgia – 0

We're live-blogging the Dawgs game, right?

BumbleKid October 6, 2012 at 8:23 pm

This game is giving me an ulcer.

For realsies.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm

What channel is that on? My friend is coming over to sob into his beer about that game… As a foreign-American I don't really have a college team. Is there something about the honor of being whupped 21-0 that should make me become a Georgia fan?

BumbleKid October 6, 2012 at 8:53 pm

It's on ESPN.

Become a Clemson fan, then enjoy spending the next two hours screaming at the television about cocks.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Haha, I did catch some gamecock action last week, I think… I quite like the stadium with the hedges too. Was that Georgia? Seemed nice.

trampndirtdown October 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm

As a Seattleite all you need to know is all dirt roads lead to Pullman.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2012 at 6:23 am

How do you keep a Husky from digging up your garden?

Put a goal post in it.

trampndirtdown October 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

Brilliant

vodkamuppet October 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

ZOMG Justin Verlander is sexing the Oakland A's so hard I just peed a little bit. Also, this guy is staring at me like he wants a beer but fuck him, I'm playing with my phone.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I forgot to have money!

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Oh, here's some, but there's no slot

Tequila Mockingbird October 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Stewart is only 5'7"? Holy shit.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:14 pm

But he doesn't have to harass women to get them in bed.

littlebigdaddy October 6, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Rock solid rule of celebrities…they are short. I am 5'8"" (used to be maybe 5'10"") and I have met Sly Stalone, Mr. T., Bruce da Boss, and I'm forgetting who else. I have towered over these guys.

Veritas78 October 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman. All you need is an oversized head and the camera loves you.

Tundra Grifter October 7, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Tom Cruise. Sylvester Stallone.

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:14 am

He's actually only 5'6", but when he got his own show and got more famous he suddenly "grew" an inch. lol Still, that's better than most male celebs; most of them add two inches to their height once they make it big.

mmeetoilenoir October 7, 2012 at 12:28 am

5'7" worth of sexxxx, thankyouverymuch.

HogeyeGrex October 7, 2012 at 2:58 am

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole…

courtneyesq October 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Haven't been able to purchase/log in for the last 20 minutes. These Internets are awesome.

NellCote71 October 6, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Is this 2012 or 1992? Sometimes I wonder.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I remember a radio program…To the Best of Our Knowledge, maybe?…that had a segment on how we basically have a lot of the World of Tomorrow stuff that 50's science fiction imagined…but that it just works really crappily.

MistaEko October 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm

8:15 Roomba trips over the Wonkette server power cord
8:16 Roomba trips over the GW server power cord. Wait a minute … OH MY GOD THE DEBATE IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Tundra Grifter October 6, 2012 at 8:09 pm

The last minute folks are fighting to get in like drunken tourists over a North Beach parking space.

I'll watch my Louis Black DVD tonight (well, it's not really mine, I rented it) and catch up with this one later.

I do HIGHLY recommend the documentary "Why We Fight." Not the Frank Capra WWII one – this one is from the mid 2000's. Didja ever wonder if 9/11 was "blowback?"

Check it out!

PS: GO GIANTS!

l_boogie October 6, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Not me! I paid money to see 404 and "connection reset" errors for the past twenty minutes.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Well at least you know that 25% of your moolah went to Jon's charity and 25% went to Bills.

Tequila Mockingbird October 6, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Same here. But luckily I'm on the same computer that I registered from, so I just went to the main page and it remembered me. Cookiez n' shit.

l_boogie October 6, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I'm on the same. Nothing is working for me. Tried same browser, two additional browsers. It doesn't even attempt to load now. Instant 404.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Who is moderating the debate? Jim Lehrer? Nobody? Same thing?

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Hi Kid Zoom. Try to keep the old man on the straight and narrow.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Well, he buys me food, my hands are tied.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Well heck–he created an account to try to participate, and the comments ended up in Moderation Limbo…and I don't have administrator power to approve 'em. What he tried to say was that his hands are tied, in that I am the one who he relies on for food and shelter.

This is so very true. He is on a very short leash.

Barbara_ October 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

What? Sorry, Jeff wanted to play "escaped convict and warden's wife."
Now I have to go make some carne asada street tacos and drink beer.

Barrelhse October 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Oh, like The Green Mile?

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:20 pm

As a penalty, or as a reward?

Barbara_ October 6, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Lol Memzilla! The house is spotless, the smell of freshly baked bread for my birds tomorrow is wafting through the house, I hauled ice up to the loft for Jeff's beer and he had to give me something for a reward.

Tequila Mockingbird October 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Stewart has already said 'shit' and/or 'fuck' at least 10 times. O'Reilly hasn't sworn once. But he has uttered Bill Moyers' name about 5 or 6 times.

Also, why the fuck is ED Hill moderating this? She's the one who got fired (yes, FI-YAD) from Faux News for calling Obama's fist bump a terrorist fist jab. Also, she looks like a goddamn Doric column in that sausage dress.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:20 pm

A Moyer is what Foxies call their assholes. They're that rude.

Barrelhse October 6, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Papa-ooh-Mao-Mao

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Well, we could have a debate of our own! Here's a topic:

RESOLVED: YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO LIVE-STREAM AN OVERHYPED WEB EVENT WITH SERVERS YOU BOUGHT AT KMART, WITH LESS BANDWIDTH THAN A KID GETS THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW.

I'll take the "pro" side.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

If Bill-O equates progressive taxation with Maoism, Jon should equate Mormon tithing to re-distribution. Because that's what it is. Rmoney has been practicing the thing he rails against for HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 7, 2012 at 7:57 am

Tithing isn't actually redistribution, so he's safe. The tithe goes to bricks and mortar, and I believe to missions. Direct charitable work is mostly funded through dedicated funding (still generous– Mormons really do walk the walk).

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Sorry, I disagree.They might walk the walk, but they appear to restrict their largesse to their own kind.I live in Arizona, surrounded by Mormons, and I fail ever to see them extend their generosity to non-Mormons unless the recipient agrees to participate in an indoctrination.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 8, 2012 at 9:27 am

That's true, but I don't actually have a problem with in-group charity (ymmv); this is the case with a lot of interest groups. My point was more that we shouldn't conflate "tithing" with "charity."

Tundra Grifter October 7, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Jukes:

Check out the article in Bloomberg Business Week on "Mormon, Inc." They have more money than God.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Thanks for the tip.I will read.I'm especially interested seeing as how I'm surrounded by Mormons here in the desert.

Tundra Grifter October 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 8:24 pm

All that air-conditioning must have sucked the available bandwidth.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:25 pm

What's really weird is that I've somehow managed to lose NBC as well. WTF?

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:28 pm
Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Bill O'Reilly: Obama is causing workplace injuries. He has truly earned the title, mayor of bullshit mountain.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Is Kid Zoom a teenager? If so, he must think this is some stupid shit going on here.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:29 pm

No i don't. I worship Jon Stewart, and watching him call Bill O'Reilly's crap is AWESOME.

AlterNewt October 7, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Glad to hear it. Also glad that you have made it through the 'comment limbo' holding area.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Hey, I can watch Jon Stewart call Bill O'Reilly on his crap. I love this.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:46 pm

i think KidZoom is our new overlord.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Well then. We welcome him.

UW8316154 October 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Welcome, Kid Zoom.

Simple J Malarkey October 6, 2012 at 11:22 pm

His name must be Luke. Blogging on Wonkette is now a hereditary sinecure, like NBC News.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 11:42 pm

False equivalence- DRINK!

Simple J Malarkey October 6, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Assuaging qualms — DRINK!
Plus a penalty drink if you can't say "assuaging qualms" five times

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:15 am

I, for one, welcome our teenage overlord. Can't be any worse than our elected officials.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Hey dok, shouldn't that be "1554" Dark Ages Ale?

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm

i thought it was '1664' ale? (for realz)

at least that is what dad fuflans used to rave about. from belgium or some other such mythical place.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Thanks for the enlightenment.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Kronenbourg 1664 is a bit like Stella, fairly popular in Britain / Yurp. It's supposed to be French, I think… What I assume the good doctor is drinking is 1554 Enlightened Black Ale by New Belgium Brewing (which apparently is from Colorado).

jqheywood October 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm

And a mighty fine brew it is!

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

What he said!

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I'm just here to tell you pansy liberal fucks to fuck off. I am going to get so drunk with Rebecca and be so mean when we liveblog the VP debate on Thursday. I am conservative now, surprise, I love Bill O'Reilly!

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Are you already drunk? At 5:30 in California?

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:33 pm

What do they call it again when you have snorted the heroins with your butthole?

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

A relapse?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 7, 2012 at 9:58 pm

That, or a prolapse.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Saturday.

Texan_Bulldog October 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Painful?

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Thursday. You were right the first time.

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:17 am

Rock bottomed? Or is that when one inserts crack up there? I've never been good with drug terms.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2012 at 1:36 am

Hosting Fox and Friends?

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Oh god, oh god, oh god Sara

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:35 pm

What is the Jon Stewart doing? I am not even watching it, I need teh Wonkette to tell me what is happening. I am watching a film called "Cobra," which is written by one Sylvester Stallone.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Never mind that now. Here is what I said here JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, AND IT'S COME TRUE:
Some say that right about this time on a Friday afternoon / evening, if you stare real hard at the Wonkette logo and repeat the words "Sara Benincassa" three times, she will appear from the mist and utter endearing insults to all who have summoned her.

But I think it's just superstition.

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Wait did you really say that?! It is so true! I am just a day late, is all. And watching "Cobra." But here I am, being mean!

ElPinche October 6, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Im the disease and you're the cure!! *BOOM* ARGGGGGHRRGGHHHH …MY THROAT!! ARGGHGHhhgh *FLOP*

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:53 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOOD "COBRA" REFERENCE. Since you are a Wonketteer you are a bastard person but clearly you deserve to live.

Simple J Malarkey October 6, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I am watching a film called "Cobra," which is written by one Sylvester Stallone.

When did a Stallone movie become a "film"??

Now who's the pansy ass California fuck on this thread??

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:18 am

One Sly is as much as I can take, so it's good it's only written by one of them.

Simple J Malarkey October 7, 2012 at 12:41 am

One Cobra is as much as I can take. I certainly don't want to waste it on Sly's.

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

You can lurve Bill O'Reilly for, say, spunk I imagine? But he just got pwned by Stewart when the latter made an unlikely connection btw. Title IX and the 2012 GOP convention~

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Switched sides, didya?

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Hahaha, I am a bornagain conservatron bloggerer, I loves the RedState!

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Are they paying you enough to rent Stallone films?! When you worked here I suppose you had to get them at the soon-to-be-disappeared public library. Do Doritos come with that?

ElPinche October 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I live life like a stallone movie. No job? Bleeding out of the ole butthole and no healthcare? Who fuckin cares, just sweat it out man. Like Nam, just engage the enemy. And run…run like hell.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Video or GTFO! Wait…

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:38 pm

bout time we got a wingtard on the wonkette board of directors.

for fairness.

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Sara, if you ever want to get a transfer from the Zombie Squad to something easier, or you need anything, just say the word.

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:16 am

Missed you and glad to hear you'll be here for Veep debates, which I've titled "Howdy Dudey vs. The Dude."

vodkamuppet October 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm

ZOMG just because I'm a bartender these dicks think I exist to serve them. "LISTEN FUCKO, REMEMBER ME? I GOT YOU BLASTED EARLIER TODAY AND I ALREADY HAVE ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW FUCK OFF IM TRYING TO READ WONKETTE.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 8:41 pm

You are my hero!

BTW, where's my drink?

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:41 pm

i wish i was at your bar.

UW8316154 October 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I wish you were at my house.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Note to self: reading about a useless political debate while getting high and listening to Sufjan Stevens will not get you excited for Saturday night. You may in fact develop an overwhelming urge to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and cry like a four-year-old girl.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 8:51 pm

You could aim a little higher: you could cry like that Santorum-child.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Sorry, all I read was "a little higher."

Sparks lighter, inhales from bowl, coughs, eats four Milky Ways

trampndirtdown October 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

That's it Opus. I can't let you go through this alone. Sparking up now for solidarity.

DemmeFatale October 7, 2012 at 3:07 am

Huh?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2012 at 2:27 am

You say that as if it was a bad thing.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:42 pm

is bamz losing already?

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 8:42 pm

“Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax deduction, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of a program that feeds you when you’re hungry, you’re a moocher?”

To date, the central question of the American 21st century.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm

and i think we're losing the argument.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:43 pm

6:40 Now acting as the good Doktor's beer runner.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Shit, democracy in America results in elections of people we don’t like much, and BillO's rants against Democrats are proof enough of that maxim. Oh wait, I forgot that to understand that point he would need self-awareness and a sense of shame.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I would not kiss Bibi Netanyahu even with O'Reilly's tongue.

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

"Bibi Netanyahu"

Isn't she the Broadway song and dance entertainer who is also a hideous, mutant octopus, underwater hellbeast?

James Michael Curley October 7, 2012 at 5:37 am

Netanyahu was the merger of a clunky web browser and a lame internet portal.

Tequila Mockingbird October 6, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Bill'O just kept it realz by mentioning Lil Wayne. BOOM!

littlebigdaddy October 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm

The internetz go on, the internetz go off, you can't explain that.

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I need you people to tell me to go back to writing my novel and stop rolling around in this muck and filth with the plebes. Also how is Jon Stewart doing?

littlebigdaddy October 6, 2012 at 8:48 pm

50 Shades of Off-White?

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Who?

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I'm falling in love with him all over again, Sara.

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Is his hair dreamy?

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 8:56 pm

More like, the smirk that launched a thousand girl-boners

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Consider writing insults on Wonkette as your warm-up, like stretching before a run.

BerkeleyBear October 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I've tried that exercise routine – problem is, you leave all the good lines in the stretching phase.

LibrarianX October 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Can Jon make Billo's head explode – Scanner's style? Totally worth $4.95.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Oh God, Bill O'Reilly just made me laugh. THE END IS NOW

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:54 pm

'the lupis of TV news' is pretty genius.

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Can someone tell me if my damn commenta are appearing?

Iam_Who_Iam October 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Aw, I'm sorry you found yourself locked out on your first night of fun and games on the Wonkette. Back when they switched over to the new commenting system all of the cool kids were automatically cleared to comment and mostly lurkers like myself were posting desperately pleading comments that went into a vast nothingness for days until Ken finally got around to approving us. Odd bit is, I so desperately wanted to comment during that time and I couldn't, now that I can, meh.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Isn't Hanukkah a leading element in the War on Xmas?

The_Lucky_Wife October 6, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Victory in the War on Christmas! Hurray! Now I won't have to put up with stores commercializing the Birth of Christ.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Jon Stewart seems to believe in the old-fashioned notion of the social contract

yeah, that goddamned enlightenment. beginning of the end of america as we know it.

fucking french assholes.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Things were so much better before that .

(Sympathies and good wishes on your job thing, BTW.)

Kid_Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:03 pm

7:02 Just ordered Blimpie for me and the good Doktor. Am I my father's waiter?

Geminisunmars October 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Just wait until he is 85 and you are 50ish. Good times await you both.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 9:04 pm

The War on Christmas has been won! Comrades, it is time to drink potato vodka and sing songs for the Motherland! O Canada, our home and native land…

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 9:05 pm

i for one will welcome kid zoom as our new overlord.

especially if there is mustard.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Not the French kind, of course.

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Don't you mean "musturd"?

Geminisunmars October 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

True story. We called it "mouseturds" in my family. I didn't understand why other families wouldn't let their kids play with me.

Iam_Who_Iam October 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm

In our family we all loved mush melon, which until I was a young adult did not know people called cantaloupe or musk melon, at which time a friend taunted me with great zeal. Now I wish we had Wikipedia in those days, as there I am told this name is not unheard of. I wonder where that mean bastard is now, maybe I can find him on fb just to send him this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cantaloupe

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:27 am

Yes, but one tip, don't take the brown mustard.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 9:06 pm

They pay Dok enough to order TWO subs? Man, I want one of these sweet blogger gigs.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Kid Zoom is a teenager, right? Surely that's old enough to be sent down a mine?

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I just read your comment aloud. "Don't you dare," says he. As he explores a postapocalyptic sodapop factory…

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:31 am

We get the wrong president, and he may end up an assistant janitor at his high school. You know, 'cause freedom or some shit.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 9:07 pm

It's a "good" Democracy only if the "right" people get to vote!

viennawoods13 October 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Newsflash, Billo: I get GREAT health care here in Canada.

savethispatient October 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Kid Zoom has brought his father a fresh beer.
You're suddenly making a persuasive argument for having children.
Kid Zoom is ordering subs.
Z.O.M.G.

BumbleKid October 6, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Haha strong argument for having children or hiring a manservant.

The manservant will be named Alfred (obvs).

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Kid Zoom refuses to wear the livery we bought. Little ingrate.

BumbleKid October 7, 2012 at 12:18 am

Ugh, kids today.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 9:14 pm

MRI's for everybody!!1!
Insurance Bureaucrats Rock!!1!

Troubledog October 6, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Bill, say the birthers and truthers are crazy, and let's all go home. Say there is no conspiracy. We just disagree. Just say it.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Let's sum up:

America: good
Troops: good
Everything else: undecided/ disputed

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 9:20 pm

To paraphrase Stephen Baldwin in "The Usual Suspects," Lincoln was a fag.

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:33 am

To paraphrase Stephen Baldwin in current time in real life "I'll suck you dick for five dollar."

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 9:21 pm

" But could a Lincoln get elected in today’s 24/7 media landscape?"

Would he have to go on "The View"?

littlebigdaddy October 6, 2012 at 9:26 pm

He'd have to make whoopi with Whoopi.

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

But not by calling her a "comely Negress", like in that episode of Star Trek where he met Lt. Uhura.

BenGleck October 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

What about a Cadillac?

SayItWithWookies October 6, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Hey Bill — the new age is just a bit younger than Gerry and the Pacemakers.

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:18 pm
Madam Killjoy October 6, 2012 at 9:28 pm

That the brown mustard that is circulating around us isn't too good. It is suggested that you stay away from that. Of course it's your own trip. So be my guest, but please be advised that there is a warning on that one, ok?

P.S. Kid Zoom rulez

SayItWithWookies October 6, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Oh — Bill O'Reilly gets a participation award!

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 9:32 pm

The Zoom household sure gets quick sub service down there.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:37 pm

We are only 3 blocks away!

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 9:40 pm

No wonder all three of my nephews moved to Boise.

SayItWithWookies October 6, 2012 at 9:32 pm

What the hell kind of plaque was that? Some sort of Raelian insignia? See you on the volcano for the arrival of the mothership, Bill.

ttommyunger October 6, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I would watch this but we just rescued two cats to replace our beloved Attla "Tha Killa" who recently passed at the ripe old age of l8. Yes, they are more important to me than anything Bill-O could be involved in.

ElPinche October 6, 2012 at 9:39 pm

RIP Attla tha Killa
I prefer the debated filtered through wonktards instead of actually looking at that giant shitbag.

ttommyunger October 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

FER FUCKING SURE!

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Sorry to hear about your loss! Kittehs are definitely a higher priority. Good onya for rescuing qats!

ttommyunger October 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Five rescue dogs as well. These are male litter-mates nearly a year old. They will be a challenge, even if confined mostly to our basement, as Attilla was.

fuflans October 7, 2012 at 12:24 am

oh so nice for romulus and remus (or whatever follows up attila). go GA kittehs!

we are getting another soon…

ttommyunger October 7, 2012 at 8:06 am

Boots and Rowdy are establishing their domain as I tap this out.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Mojopo October 7, 2012 at 2:01 am

Way cool! Congrats on the new additions to your fam.

ttommyunger October 7, 2012 at 8:07 am

Much thanks!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I'm guessing that Gov. Romney will be getting a bump from this debate also.
Or not.

chascates October 6, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Nicely done, Doc. I couldn't afford the live-view fee but I got the gist that I still can't stand Bill O'Reilly.

LagunaB October 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I thought this was an Abortionplex? Where are the live abortions? And the weeping girls? What a thrilla.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Did I miss anything? Awwwww don't answer that.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Thanks, Dok and Spawn of Dok.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Kid Zoom says he can work with "Spawn of Dok."

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I thought it lent a little gravitas, in light of his Overlord in Waiting status.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2012 at 3:07 am

And far better than Papa Dok and Baby Dok.

AlterNewt October 7, 2012 at 4:22 am

Thanks. It would also facilitate the use of the URL:

BlogDokSpawn@blogspot.com

Negropolis October 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Wait, so Mr. Poe Tate O'Reilly actually fucked it and did in live?! Well cover my blah!

Totally OT, but is anywhere hoping that Hugo Chavez finally loses, tomorrow, if only because fourteen years is too long for any elected executive to be in office?

fishskicanoe October 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Yes, it would be a good thing. But he isn't. He's our hemispheres Robert Mugabe.

iburl October 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm

" because fourteen years is too long for any elected executive to be in office?"
Tell that to Rick Perry

NellCote71 October 7, 2012 at 8:38 am

Beat me to it but I as going with the Wonkette meme, Do you know who else has been in office for 14 years?

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

All 3-term senators?

iburl October 6, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I falafel that I missed this.

LibertyLover October 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Did you order enough subs for everyone to have? No you did not.

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Chewing gum? I hope you brought a piece for everyone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcokL59jeqU

tessiee October 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm

"the SUBS are here! Kid Zoom’s favorite, BLT with Turkey"

I'm all in favor of Turkey BLTs, but wouldn't a falafel have been more meta?

mosjef October 6, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Isn't a falafel what Bill O'Really takes in the shower with him when he wants to sex up wimmens?

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:41 am

"Isn't a falafel what Bill O'Really takes in the shower with him when he imagines wants to sex(ing) up wimmens?"

Fixed. 'Cause that bastard hasn't seen ladybits since Britney Spears carelessly exited that limo.

Mojopo October 6, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I watched on my Roku – it was error report-free and not jumpy. The quality of the cameras left much to be desired, but the content was so frickin' great that it didn't matter. Jon made the best points, but I really liked it when he made a point about entitlements by mentioning Billo's father receiving disability payments.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Billo: "Which he completely deserved!"

Wotta ass.

Mojopo October 7, 2012 at 12:00 am

He wrapped himself in a blanket of bullshit and Jon totally called him on it. That point hit the mark so deep, bitch is never coming out.

barto October 6, 2012 at 11:34 pm

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, kid zoom… when are we going to get another fallout <sad face>

Negropolis October 6, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Fox is an autoimmune disease, “the Lupus of TV News.”

Oh, that was good, reel guhd.

anniegetyerfun October 7, 2012 at 12:33 am

It never occurred to me that one day, this kicking fetus would turn into a kid who could lecture me on computers, bring me beer, and order me a sammich. Thank you for making the decision to reproduce suddenly seem reasonable.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2012 at 3:04 am

They're remarkably good to have around. They turn into near-adults astonishingly quickly, but that's OK, because the conversations take some surprising turns.

CivicHoliday October 7, 2012 at 9:27 am

"astonishingly quickly" in hind sight perhaps. I am at home with two kids under 3 and dammitall if neither of them will go grab mommy a beer even if she bribes them with gummy bears

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Yes, there's that. I am rather fond of Ian Frazier's "The Cursing Mommy" columns. I see he's taken the concept and made it a book; I'm skeptical as to whether it can really stay funny beyond a short piece though.

Pithaughn October 7, 2012 at 11:58 am

We made ours with parts on hand. He is taking us sailing in the BVI over Xmas break.
I just love to brag about him.

Negropolis October 7, 2012 at 12:39 am

Doktor Zoom,

Don't eat the brown mustard.

Benny October 7, 2012 at 1:31 am

T'was fun,although I must say ,Jon took it easy on Bill'O after the first half.Now,woulda been too easy to smack the shit outta that punk,so I understand why he didn't,but it still pissed me off he didn't wipe the floor with that fucking falafel-face-dumb-ass clown with his stupid fucking cards.

Still…t'was fun.

*drink*

Blueb4sinrise October 7, 2012 at 1:43 am

I wuz out. Somewhere. Not sure where. But it involved food and wine and beer and the Blasters and Sara Benincasa. Or Dave Alvin cd's with Mojo Nixon. I have no fucking idea.

Anyway, great thread.
Kid Zoom should be made into sammich and beer. Becca can fundraise.
wabbkdle094394nakdddddd&)($&) ddnnnnnnnnn

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2012 at 7:56 am

In world news, the Philippine Government has finally settled with the MILFs. I think I know what their leaders get out of this, but what about the MILFs? Hopefully more than just flowers. Possibly a BMW SUV or something?

JustPixelz October 7, 2012 at 8:05 am

The MILFs get a semi-autonomous region to be called … wait for it … Bangsamoro.

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2012 at 8:11 am

Well it was better than getting just the town of Boobjob.

Calapine October 7, 2012 at 8:28 am

I want to be payed for blogging too. It seems so much cooler than my current job. :(

finallyhappy October 7, 2012 at 8:31 am

Haha- I saw Looper- it did cost us over $20(the old buy gets in for 9.50 but I have to pay $12)- so much better than this debate- even if was a mish mash of several other films and TV shows(as I saw it)

ElPinche October 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

At least it wasn't a reboot of a reboot of reboot.

finallyhappy October 7, 2012 at 8:33 am

War on Chanukah! Screw that- today is Hoshana Rabbah-and no we do not beat each other with the willow branches- we are Jews, not Opus Dei

Geminisunmars October 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Are you using last year's calendar?

finallyhappy October 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I am missing a joke? It is definitely Hoshana Rabbah- we had services today

Geminisunmars October 7, 2012 at 2:51 pm

My apologies. I am the joke. I was half asleep when I read that as Rosh Hoshana. Non-observant Jews shouldn't make jokes.

DahBoner October 7, 2012 at 11:40 am

I stream stuff all the time. It's all paid for by puppet pills…

Esteev October 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I liked E.D. Hill's microphone.

owhatever October 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm

You got a sub ordered and delivered in fifteen minutes?

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm

yes he really fucking did and just like fucking bloody resurrection mary or whatever the hell we all did when were 10 at a sleepover HERE YOU ARE.

AlterNewt October 6, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Actually, it was a week ago and you're not really being mean, but otherwise I was right on the money.

imissopus October 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm

True fact: I have never seen that movie but for some reason I had this poster on my wall as a kid. I was a weird child and now I spend too much time on Wonkette, the end.

SaraJBenincasa October 6, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Let's play light as a feather, stiff as a board!

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 8:51 pm

i used to cheat at that (and ouija board) all the time. only this one time i didn't and i'm pretty sure there was some kind of occult.

this was like in 1988.

UW8316154 October 6, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Sounds dirty!

Barbara_ October 6, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Sara, did you come up for a name for your LA stand up gig?

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