Justice Scalia, having a nobrainerJustice Antonin Scalia wants everyone to just keep their panties on, everyone, because “We can disagree with one another on the law without taking it personally.” Totally! So when he says that laws forbidding abortion, the death penalty and buttseks are clearly constitutional, don’t take it personally, gays and criminals and pregnant ladies. After all, figuring what is unconstitutional is a “no-brainer,” so don’t blame him, blame the Founders, who didn’t see fit to specifically enumerate rights for anyone other than educated, white, male landowners living in the early modern period.

Scalia calls himself a “textualist” and, as he related to a few hundred people who came to buy his new book and hear him speak in Washington the other day, that means he applies the words in the Constitution as they were understood by the people who wrote and adopted them.

“The death penalty? Give me a break. It’s easy. Abortion? Absolutely easy. Nobody ever thought the Constitution prevented restrictions on abortion. Homosexual sodomy? Come on. For 200 years, it was criminal in every state,” Scalia said at the American Enterprise Institute.

Fun fact for Justice Scalia: abortion was actually legal in in most states until the mid-nineteenth century. Another fun fact: sodomy was punishable by death. In fact, there is an argument to be made that prohibitions on abortion and prohibitions on sodomy are grounded by the assumption that non-procreative sex in and of itself is subject to regulation, but the Founders didn’t put that in the Constitution so it is CLEARLY not relevant here. But anyway, isn’t it a relief to discover that Justice Scalia’s appreciation for our rights are defined by what a bunch of 18th century slave-owning, wealthy men might have thought of them?


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  • no_gravity

    Justice Scalia is an 18th century slave-owning, wealthy man, at least in his own head. And, probably full of thoughts of buttsecks, but the good, procreative type.

    • but the good, procreative type


  • Indiepalin

    You know what else is easy? Pissing in the wind.

    • Toomush_Infer

      If you have a wide stance…

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Scalia needs to think bigger picture. If you abort a blah baby, then you don't have to waste money on its almost certain future execution.

    • Boojum

      And what's wrong with disposing of excess property?

  • Barbara_

    What's wrong with a little sodomy between friends?

    • Mapmonger

      Grounds for execution, apparently.

      • SavageDrummer

        Only if they're both dudes… Sodomy between a man and a woman as gawd intended it is a-okay!

        • No, I am pretty sure they are out to kill "Steak and Blowjob Day" too.

          • Toomush_Infer


          • chicken_thief

            Isn't that every day for Rushbo in the DR with one of his rentboy *assistants*? I wanna see his head essplode when he hears that.

        • viennawoods13

          Fun fact… in Canada, "anal intercourse" (up here buttsechs is all they care about) is still an indictable offence, UNLESS a) you're married to each other, or b) 2 consenting adults, gender irrelevant BUT if there are more than 2 people in the room, it's off to jail for you! (so all orgies must be buttsechs free).

          • How did that happen?!

          • Esteev

            What is the application process like to become an undercover cop that infiltrates orgies?

    • eggsacklywright

      Along with some rum, and maybe a teensy bit of the lash.

    • kittensdontlie

      It's ZPG compliant, so there's that.

    • bikerlaureate

      Is that one of those smartphone apps? They're getting more and more spicy.

    • Boojum

      Not a thing dear…and what's your number?

  • LibertyLover

    Clearly Cell phones, computers, refrigerators, microwaves are not constitutional. Clearly access to medical care that doesn't involve leeches is not constitutional. Not to mention an interstate highway system…

    • In the HBO "John Adams" miniseries, one of his daughters got her breast sawed off by a physician with a big knife. So that's prolly constitutional.

  • PubOption

    I'm trying to work out the meaning of the picture. Does Scalia think Janet Reno is an alien?

    • Sacanagem

      IIRC, that is the famous "Space Alien Baby Rachel Maddow Bursting out of Scalia's Chest" image, submitted for some damn Wonkette contest or other.

  • I don't think a Supreme Court guy should say things like that.

  • So much for the pursuit of happiness….

    • SavageDrummer

      At least for me… Sodomy + Abortions = happiness…

      • UW8316154

        If your doing your sodomy correctly, it shouldn't result in any abortions.

        • BadKitty904

          Damned amateurs…

    • eggsacklywright

      Or ha-penis.

  • Scalia has a point–all the great legal minds of the past thought questions that affected millions of people were easy to decide.

    • BadKitty904

      I wonder if Scaly realizes that, to the Founding Fathers, he would be, at best, a second-class citizen and cheap labor, what with being of Italian descent and all. Perhaps he doesn't understand you don't become a WASP just by talking like one…

      • Mittaplasia

        Wop/Wasp…I understand his confusion. Why'd we let the guineas in, anyway? Oh, yeah, because pizza.

      • But Columbus?

        • Mittaplasia

          ..saved me from a socialistic life in a postwar European country with healthcare, but I wouldn't have found Wonkette, so, it's good.

  • Tundra Grifter

    So the right wing nutz who want a smaller, less powerful Federal government want a law that same sex couples can't play certain games – but others can? Will there be a cop in every bedroom – or just a 24-hour "security" cameras?

    • Sacanagem

      24-hour webcams, all linked to Cam4.

    • Typodong3

      Psst… smaller gov is only good for the things we like. All the things we hate should be regulated by a big, throbbing, massive, veiny government shoved up our collective asses.

      • chicken_thief

        You almost make it sound like a good thing.

        • BadKitty904


  • So, even if Scalia thinks Clarence Thomas is 3/5ths of a citizen, it doesn't really change the conservative balance of the court, does it.

  • Also considered unconstitutional was having your name end with a vowel. The US Amercia Constitution was meant to protect WASPs and sometimes WASCs not anyone from Southern Europe.

    • Exactly. His founding father heroes would have had no use for the son of Italian immigrants.

      • Now, now, Jefferson had an Italian friend that he wanted to grow a vineyard for him.

    • Indiepalin

      If that was the case, the entire cast of the Sopranos would be incarcerated

      • BadKitty904

        And Francis Ford Coppola would be in Guantanamo…

    • Is that actually true, or are you just projecting the attitudes of the Industrial 19th Century back onto them?

  • fawkedifiknow

    Here's the scariest of scare quotes: Mitt Romney says Scalia is his "model" Supreme Court Justice.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, only because it was the first name that came to mind – Mitt doesn't care what he says, just that you'll vote for him, so he can turn the country over to its real owners – the corporate pirates…

      • Esteev

        Can we get 3/5ths of a share of the new country at least?

    • SavageDrummer

      Wasn't that Brown in Mass? Or have both of them puked out that nugget of truth?

      • CthuNHu


  • SoBeach

    The Constitution is like the Bible for these people. It says whatever they want it to say.

  • Boojum

    Scalia owns Clarence Thomas, so he must be a founder.

  • Dear Justice Scalia:

    Nothing is as easy as your mother.

    • Thanks for that. I'm feeling particularly stabby-with-votes today.

  • prommie

    Whew! thats a releif, its only the gay assfucking he is against, notice that? As far as the heterosexual sodomy, apparently thats just nifty and dandy and all-american as babseball and apple pie. Let the buttsex commence!

    • Buttsex for some, miniature American flags for all!!

      • LibertyLover

        What if you use miniature American flags in your buttsecks? Is that constitutional?

        • Don't know about constitutionality, but it sounds painful. Better use a lot of Apple Pie Lube.

          • So that's why my folks had a big can of Crisco in the kitchen.

    • FakaktaSouth

      What is with these people and their need to talk about assfucking incessantly? It seems he is obsessed. It's like, hey, what did I forget to think about today? Oh yes, buttsex. Antonin is the opposite of nifty, he's ruining the whole concept of nifty in fact.

      • prommie

        Now actually, I think maybe just most everyone suffers from the need to think and talk about assfucking incessantly! Look at Wonkette, why back in the day, you couldn't swing a cat in here without hitting on some story about assfucking. Of course, Scalia and his kind are all thinking about it in some condemnatory judging "bad, bad, shame on you way," while Wonkette takes a celebratory, "good for you, buddy" approach, but still, everyone gots buttsex on the mind whether good or bad.

        • FakaktaSouth

          I miss the days of wine and assfucking everyday here. The abject stupidity of the world seems to have made it less prevalent. Ah well, I was being facetious with my condemnation, but, yeah.

          • prommie

            Quote Dowson to me and I will follow you anywhere. Really, I mean forever.
            Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, a favorite forever.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Out of a misty dream
            Our path emerges for a while, then closes
            with assfucking.

            Can i just say I do enjoy a day where I get to say some variation of the buttsex phrase like 20 times before 10am central time?

          • prommie

            Thats just fucking delightful! You are a perpetual amazement to me, my dear. Its a good thing I had no other plans for forever.

          • prommie

            But Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat incohare longam is the one you quoted of course.

          • prommie

            Derp. Clearly I did NOT have to tell you that. Sometimes I do forget who I am dealing with, old man you know, the memory and all.

      • BadKitty904

        Generally speaking, we all know that anyone as consumed as Scaly is by obsessive, irrational hated and fear of gays is a self-loathing closet case. However, speaking unofficially for the World-Wide Gay Conspiracy, y'all are SOOO damn not pinning this bugfuck-crazy bigot on *us*!

        Ew. Just *ew*…

    • UnholyMoses

      Let the buttsex commence!

      I think my wife will disagree with y'all on this point …

    • docterry6973

      Heterosexual sodomy? Wha?

  • FakaktaSouth

    I always enjoy how the Scalia types say things like this. Hey, why so sensitive? I have the right to take away your rights (to buttsex in this case) because that is what truly being free is all about – the most important thing here is my right to tell you what to do, because, freedom.

    • prommie

      He revels in the "fuck you, its still 1790 in my world," thing, he loves that he has come up with a way to support sexism racism and slavery as things that, well, sorry, fuckers, but its the Constitution, ha ha ha. Hate his fucking sophist-jesuit-arrogant fucking ass.

      • FakaktaSouth

        sophist jesuit arrogant fucking ass.
        I prefer arrogant ass fucking I think. Antonin really does do everything backwards, but not in the fun way.

    • BadKitty904

      "We must destroy freedom in order to save it."

  • eggsacklywright

    As per usual, Clarence is on mute.

    • Esteev

      He hasn't been spoken to, directly.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, well, if Clarence Thomas was my slave, he'd have to work a lot harder…

    • GregComlish

      too soon

  • bikerlaureate

    Textual harassment.

  • LibertyLover

    By himself, Scalia doesn't seem all that dangerous. The problem is that he drags Clarence Thomas along with him on every decision.

    • prommie

      Its like the old argument against giving women the vote; they said It was pointless because the women would just vote like their husbands told them (your old sexist paternalist males, they are pretty deluded generally about how under control they have their women, I have noticed). But the theory sure does seem to hold true with Scalia and his bitch Thomas.

    • UnholyMoses

      Yeah, but the good news is that he only drags 3/5ths of Clarence. The rest is busy reading People.

    • kittensdontlie

      As Thomas is hung-up about being black.

    • DahBoner

      In chains?

  • Hera Sent Me

    The Founders thought lots of things that we don't anymore. Like women shouldn't be allowed to vote and it's OK to own people so long as they're black. And that people should be allowed to grow hemp, for whatever reasons they choose.

    Well, some of us still think that last one.

    • Mittaplasia

      They'll have to pry the sweet leaf from my cold, dead hands.

  • One_Man_Band

    Let's completely rely on a document that is 225 years old for everything, rather than thinking for ourselves about anything.

    For any stuff not covered in the 225-year-old document, we can refer to a book that is 3500 years old.

    • rhubarbpie2

      I rely on the Book of Mormon myself. (And I'm not talking about the play, either — not in my price range.)

  • freakishlywrong

    "No brainier" indeed.

  • LibertyLover

    So much for deciding issues on the basis of the law… apparently Scalia has pre-decided all important issues that will ever come before the court, forever, Amen.

  • FakaktaSouth

    You would think with the way sodomy makes abortions irrelevant, these dicks would be more supportive. I mean, you want people not to get preggers? Ass-sex. It's just logic.

    • prommie

      But they want you preggers, and barefoot. Womens are made for shooting future parishioners out of their twats like a machine-gun, thats their purpose.

      • Katydid

        Speaking of shooting things out of your twat, I think I finally figured out the origin of the thing about Michelle Malkin and ping pong balls…I saw Priscilla Queen of the Desert over the weekend….is that where it comes from?

        • prommie

          I saw it in the notorious White Building on Admiral Wilson Boulevard.

  • eggsacklywright

    Fat Tony's fellow members at the swingers club will be disappointed.

    • LibertyLover

      Ewww…. and I'm just out of brain bleach, too…

  • Come here a minute

    The founders obviously thought Samsung was ripping off the iPhone — just read your constitution, people!

  • DahBoner

    Justice Scalia is why we can't have a Take Your Cat to Work Day

  • Goonemeritus

    Our Founding Fathers never envisioned permanent corporations either. And I’m sure they would be shocked by the amount of sodomy currently practiced by corporations today.

    • freakishlywrong

      I'm also fairly certain that a right wing theocracy wasn't exactly the vision either.

    • Mittaplasia

      If corporations are people, why is this allowed? Because regulations kill jobs, silly. OK; got it. Thank you, sir; may I have another?

  • he applies the words in the Constitution as they were understood by the people who wrote and adopted them.

    Oh wow. This is shut-in crazy grandpa gold.

    What does he do, use a Ouija board instead of a law book?

  • Toomush_Infer

    You'd think, for just self-interest' sake, he'd be on the side of aborted turds….

  • UnholyMoses

    So, according to Scalia, Obama is only 3/5ths of a President.

    Which proves Scalia is 5/5ths of an asshole.

    • chicken_thief

      Too much math;dr

      ~ conservatives the world over

  • MistaEko

    "The Death Penalty? Give me a break."

    – Marvin Wilson, Huntsville, TX

    • Esteev

      Who, in the 1787, could have envisioned the discovery of genetic material unique to an individual? But then again, who, in 2012, would envision a Supreme Court justice to be so obtuse?

  • Guppy

    Scalia does realize he's single-handedly pushing the nation closer to a new constitutional convention, making his beloved "textualism" irrelevant, right?

  • kittensdontlie

    No, Gimme a Break, Scalia.

    "He contrasted his style of interpretation with that of a colleague who tries to be true to the values of the Constitution as he applies them to a changing world. This imaginary justice goes home for dinner and tells his wife what a wonderful day he had, Scalia said."

    Scalia imagines life today is like a 1980's racial-stereotyped plantation-like sitcom.

    • chicken_thief

      Scalia just goes home and greets the wife with "bring a sammich and a beer, bitch".

  • ElPinche

    Is that Koch brother bursting out of your chest or are you just happy to see me?

    • bikerlaureate

      Huh. I would expect them to exit the body from the excretory system…

      • Esteev

        Incidentally, that's the same way they get in.


    To be fair — it's difficult to allow for context of changing times, much less reassess the merits of buttsechs, when one's head is so far up one's ass.

  • OT

    Will the editors be live blogging from a Res casino to celebrate Columbus Day? Or perhaps have a guest post from Sherman Alexie?

  • BadKitty904

    "Interesting opinions" isn't all Scaly is full of…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I'm Scott Brown, and I approve this message.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Nuclear energy wasn't invented until the 20th century, therefore the government has no business keeping people from building their own nukes. Easy!

  • Mittens Howell, III


    rips t-shirt


    • Toomush_Infer

      And suddenly I see, what's wrong with Antony….SCALIIIIIYA!….

  • TootsStansbury

    Fundies are a lot of what's wrong with the world.

    • Mittaplasia

      Goober Law, Sharia Law, I don't see a difference (except for accents).

  • LibrarianX

    So, Tony – what does the constitution say about sneaking into bondage bars in the Village?

    • Esteev

      All RNC attendees are exempt from sodomy laws.

  • LibrarianX

    Scalia should consider working for the Taliban – I hear they have some openings.

  • toughsister

    Sodomy: how can he be against it? He manages to be both a prick and an asshole.

  • chicken_thief

    Hmm. This settles it. Me and the boys can round up them Injuns down the road and move them all off to South Dakota or some god forsaken place. I always did want that nice piece of property they have….

  • docterry6973

    Women weren't allowed to vote for almost 200 years. Blacks and whites couldn't marry for even longer! No brainer!!!! Clearly, the Constitution requires that we be no more tolerant than an 18th century slave owner.

    And burning witches! Is there any right more enshrined in Western thought than burning witches? I think not.

    We must understand that government has no authority to protect the rights of unpopular minorities, ever, because Freedom!

  • thefrontpage

    Scalia is actually a bisexual-homosexual-leaning guy who has paid for several abortions and is against the death penalty, according to "Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll and Antonin Scalia: My Wild and Crazy Days as a U.S. Supreme Court Lawyer," the new non-fiction book by Jimi Henburgscott, a former Supreme Court lawyer for 31 years who recently retired. In the book, from Judiciary Press, due out October 16, Henburgscott says that Scalia regularly went to the D.C. Eagle, penned articles for Metro Weekly under another name, and was a regular at the Sunday drag brunches at Perry's in Adams Morgan. "Scalia loved to dress in leather and parade around singing to 'Y.M.C.A.' and 'It's Raining Men,'" Henburgscott writes in the book. "And he was very popular at the D.C. Eagle."

  • Beowoof

    The delusion that we have to frame everything within the intent of what the founders understood 200 years ago is so far out, that I want some of those shrooms he is using.

  • Mittaplasia

    Pudenda police, poopchute police = JOBS! Big picture, people!

  • Me_K_Cong

    When someone tells me that something I know to be difficult is easy, I usually smile, reassure them of their intelligence and ability, and reassign the task to someone else.

  • KPod

    "Scalia’s appreciation for our rights are defined by what a bunch of 18th century slave-owning, wealthy men might have thought of them." – Um, no, Scalia's appreciation is defined by what he IMAGINES a bunch of 18th century slave-owning wealthy men might have thought of them. Big difference.

  • ingloriousbytch

    "Homosexual sodomy? Come on. For 200 years, it was criminal in every state,”

    Miscegenation was criminal too. You want to nullify Clarence Thomas' marriage now Tony, or show we wait until Black History Month?

  • keepwalkin

    That's Alito bursting through Tony's chest, amirite?

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      I just posted this on the first page of comments but here you go:
      I can't remember if the artist who blessed us with that pic ever said who it was, I think the Wonkettes at the time thought it was Janet Reno but probably it is supposed to be Rachel?

  • I'm a Yankee Bugger Dandy
    A Yankee Diddler do or die!
    A real live lover of some nice round hams
    Porked on the Fourth of July!

    I've got a Yankee Bugger Bottom
    He or she's my Yankee Bugger Joy.
    Yankee Diddle went to town
    And rode it like a pony —
    I am a Yankee Bugger Boy!

  • "But anyway, isn’t it a relief to discover that Justice Scalia’s appreciation for our rights are defined by what a bunch of 18th century slave-owning, wealthy men might have thought of them?"

    I already knew that.

  • Veritas78

    Second-laziest justice ever.

  • rocktonsam

    i for one am glad the Supreme Court has hit the ground running this term.

    They need to get warmed up to throw/fix another election in a few weeks.

  • poorgradstudent

    I can't remember the exact quote and I'm much too lazy to dig for it, but I recall something from the brilliant "Get Your War On":

    "Being a constitutional literalist means never having to say you're a reactionary, partisan asshole."

  • DahBoner

    Scalia is why we can't have Bring Your Cat to Work Day.

    Because any cat would try to bury this turd…

  • Schmegeg

    Another fun fact: this guy is going to be drooling into a cup on the bench twenty years from now. And every year he gets louder.

  • DemonicRage

    I can't even imagine the ugly troll who would want a sodomy experience with Scalia. He's bitter cause it's a game no one would want to play with him.

  • DemonicRage

    I can't even imagine the ugly troll who would want a sodomy experience with Scalia. He's bitter cause it's a game no one would want to play with him.

  • ttommyunger

    All this from a man who hasn't seen his dick in thirty years.

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