Battle of the Cable Icons

The Jon Stewart & Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Thing, 8 PM Saturday: We’ll Blog It Live!

One of these things is not like the othersAttention, Wonketteers! We are pleased to announce that Your Wonkette will be live-embloggening what promises to be a far more entertaining debate than that thing that happened on Wednesday. Join Your Doktor Zoom at 8 PM (Eastern) for a livebloog of tonight’s epic, not-at-all-over-hyped Pay-Per-View butting of heads between Jon “I Just Do Comedy” Stewart and Bill “Me Too, Though I Don’t Admit It” O’Reilly.

Access to the online stream can be purchased here for $4.95; reading our liveblog will not cost you a single extra penny. (If you are a fancy two-computer household, you may want to stream the debate on the faster computer and read the liveblog on the other one; the stream will also be available on a variety of TeleVisual devices as well. Also, if you are a fancy two-computer household, why are you still on welfare, huh?) We really hope the internet can contain the explosion of awesome that will occur tonight.

Please come up with rules for the Drinking Game in the comments; at the very least, they should include careful definitions of what counts as bullying attempts on O’Reilly’s part, and false equivalencies on Stewart’s.

Also, if we may channel our internal Sara Benincasa, don’t forget to stock up on beer and falafels, you filthy fuckaducks!

[O’Reilly v. Stewart 2012: The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium]

Disclaimer-y Stuff: Wonkette Media LLC is not affiliated with the producers of this debate, Straight Talk, Inc./Busboy Productions, Inc.; please see the debate website and FAQ for other information.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Fuck it! We'll do it live!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Drink!

      • Barbara_

        Cheers!

  • memzilla

    Any Ronald Reagan reference from Oh Really = face San Clemente, do one shot.

    Any Ronald Reagan reference from Stewart = face Brooklyn, take one hit.

    • Pragmatist2

      "Brooklyn"???? WTF.
      Face New Jersey!!!!

      • memzilla

        Attitude is from Brooklyn. Technically you're right, but telling someone to face New Jersey and get high is a tougher sell.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Shore libel !!!

  • OzoneTom

    "Also, if you are a fancy two-computer household, why are you still on welfare, huh?"

    Being a 47%-er moocher is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's why I got me some Obama computers.

  • CivicHoliday

    Every time Jon uses self-deprecating humor to make a valid point: finish your bourbon
    Every time Billo loses his cool: drink a 4 ounce cup of water. (gotta stay hydrated people)

    • memzilla

      If I do that, I'll be pi**ing too much to watch the debate. O WAYT I NOES: pi** into the empty bourbon bottle!

      • CivicHoliday

        EXACTLY. Or you could wear depends.

        • James Michael Curley

          It depends.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          The men in my family must have them on all weekend. Because: football.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Water? Shouldn't that be some motherfucking iced tea?

      • mille derps

        Woohooo! Caffeeeeeeeine! Up all mother fuckin' night! Hell yeah!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Double the Republican effect by drinking an Arnold Palmer.

  • Bezoar

    I'm an 8-computer household, but they're all made from surplus crap. Oh, and pirated software.

    • James Michael Curley

      Dead Steve Jobs says, "Arrrrgh"

  • gullywompr

    I've been wanting to channel Sara Benincasa for a long time.

    A long time…

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      In my dreams, I often find myself channeling Sara.

  • kittensdontlie

    I am sorry but for me to watch O'Dumbass, he is going to have to pay me, and a lot more than five dollars.

    • Geminisunmars

      Reading the live-blog will be a lot less deleterious to our health.

      • kittensdontlie

        Or if John would debate an empty chair, that would be fine.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Just print this out and tape it to one side of your screen!

          • kittensdontlie

            Well that will be easy…thank you. And when I hear his noise, which is similar to a thousand angry birds pecking at my eardrums, I will mute.

    • emmelemm

      Ditto. But the live-bloog is free!

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        You are supposed to be resting. This will just get you fired up.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Each Faux Newz talking point, one shot.

    Each time O'Reilly denies fact, one shot

    Each smartass burn from Stewart, one shot.

    By this point, everyone will have died of alcohol poisoning

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Weird — each of those photos of them was taken so long ago, their hairdo's actually resemble each other (and the resemblance ends there.)

  • nounverb911

    Will Bill'O be showing us how to make falafels?

    • Will_Panic

      Jesus Christ, let's hope not.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        No loofas either!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You have to be in a shower to make falafel.

  • sbj1964

    The Fox News channel,and Comedy Central same thing as far as I'm concerned.Comedy Central is just better at the real news facts.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Someone should tell Jon that when you wrestle with pigs you both get dirty…and the pig likes it.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Aw, they're pals from way back. O'Reilly actually becomes nearly tolerable when Stewart's needling him.

      • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

        true fact.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Stewart had his fling with McCain too, once upon a time. He always falls for the bad boys, and ends up feeling betrayed and used.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      A shower and a loofa afterwards should get rid of all that.

  • PsycWench

    Is Doctor Zoom the red furry one on the left?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Shhhhh!

      • PsycWench

        I'm worried because if you are, I have a lot of miniature versions of you around the house and even played with a puppet version of you earlier.

      • Benny

        Mitt wants to kill you.I'm just sayin.Watch your 6.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        So you are on the Federal gravy chain. Just spend all your time avoiding work and blogging like Michelle Obama.

    • mille derps

      That's a ticklish question…

    • finallyhappy

      You do know that Elmo is actually the arm of a fairly large black man- Kevin Clash. This is why RMoney wants to get rid of PBS

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Every time O'Rlly uses self-deprecating humor to try and beat Stewart, take a shot of what the person to your right is drinking.

    If you're drinking alone, seek help.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants
  • Pragmatist2

    Dark Truth Time: Much as I hate to say it, Bill O''Reilly (unlike his disgusting brethren) is a smart guy. For a "conservative' he has a surprising grasp of the facts. Unlike William Kristol (who is an intellectual midget) O'Reilly actually is a challenge for Stewart.
    Please don't downfist me. My Bucket List demands that I get to 120p.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Wonkette, where all the fists are up.

    • Radiotherapy

      For $4.95 I'll upfist you.

      • Pragmatist2

        I am a whore, but I am a cheap whore. $2.95 is my best offer.

        • memzilla

          I gave a pity upfist for free. Actually no, I used my stash of Cayman Islands upfists and will take it as a charitable deduction.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You do remember that O'Reilly asserted with no sarcasm that no one can explain how the tides work and where the moon came from, right?

      Lumbering oaf likely to bulldoze over anyone who tries to use rationality to debate him — I will give you. But "smart guy" — absolutely not.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        I was thinking of his botched research on the Lincoln bio he published, too.
        Apart from his clumsy unsportsmanship in interviews and boorish behavior accounted for by whichever women — I'm with Pragmatist insofar as: compared to most Føx douchebags with heads full of gas, since the pool of imaginable options is severely limited, Bill is close as I can see among any of them capable of holding one's own in a debate scenario as a spectacle worth tuning in for.

        • meepmeep09

          Along these lines, when comparing O'Reilly to his Fox cohort during one of their get-togethers, Stewart said to Bill-O, "You're the skinniest kid at Fat Camp."

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      "Downfist" ye? I hardly missed ye!

      There. Now you're almost to twenty thumbz' up on your comment, at least~

    • ttommyunger

      I don't fist, but I also don't agree. Bill is a pompous ass whose intellect is overshadowed by an enormous ego fueled by amazingly deep-seated insecurities. In short, fuck him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    We want Orly! We want Orly!

    (Taints, that is.)

    • Mittaplasia

      Oily Twatz will be the immigration czar if Mittens wins.

  • Redgyal

    Neither of these two men needs the additional money or the additional publicity so I will stick with the Wonkette summary. Sorry no snark. I am just that cheap and mean.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Cheap and mean is our bread and butter at Wonkette.

      OK, and buttsecks, of course.

      • SnarkOff

        All of them, Katie.

      • Redgyal

        Well, go ahead and butter your bread!

        • mille derps

          Ooh- poetry!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      In fairness, this is for chairity.

      • Redgyal

        Of course…..I never heard of a TV personality doing a charity event because it would help their image.

  • Troubledog

    In before OH SHIT WONKETTE IS BROKEN NO UPDATES FOR YOU GO TO A DIFFERENT SITE WAIT WE FIXED IT GO BACK TO WONKETTE

  • Crank_Tango

    Hmm, well I will probably be too high to contribute a thoughtful, reasoned analysis of the debate and its coverage, but whatever.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Excellent! O'Reilly regularly describes Stewart's audience as dope-smoking hippies, so he may very well appreciate having at least one data point that the fact-checkers won't slam him for.

      • memzilla

        Computer-owning dope-smoking hippies who do comment have four jerbs! Take that, BLS statisticians!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That has never stopped me before. Hell, with Bill'O, it is the only way.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I'd suggest each time O'Reilly says the word "secular," take a swig, but you'd all wind up in ER for alcohol poisoning.

  • deliman4

    Just do a Tucker on him and call him a DICK and it'll be over before it begins!!

  • vodkamuppet

    Zoom, you remembered the beer this time, right?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Five bottles of assorted New Belgium ales in the fridge. Will stock up this afternoon.

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Belguim?!? Where's yer PBarrrrr? Soshiamalist!

  • ThankYouJeebus

    If Bill suggests they adjourn to a steamy soapy shower, DRINK!

  • shelwood46

    Only one computer, though I do have a nifty, cheap Roku. Weird thing about the Roku: there are absolutely shittons of religious and conservative channels available for it, vs like three dedicated progressive channels (and zero atheist channels, but, yeah). I'm not sure anyone anywhere actually watches any of those, as they are too busy streaming Netflix and Hulu on it.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I got Roku for the tentacle porn channels.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    personally i just hope they finally settle that whole 'tide' thing.

    • mille derps

      The tide goes in, the tide goes out- you can't explain it…

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      only if there is ONE miscommunication…which Bill O' will argue occurs because gawd is drunk. These guys are all so, so desperate to make thier shallow moronic claims aren't they? I submit conservatives are evidence god doesn't exist…I reject that I could have been created in the same image of and by the 'designer' who designed them. Besides, Alabama wingnuts still can't explain why they have triple the cromosomes the rest of us have…

  • Detesticle

    Some people get their news from Jon Stewart mocking the news. I get my news from Wonkette mocking Jon Stewart mocking the news.

    Sometimes I get my news from Wonkette commenteers mocking Wonkette mocking Jon Stewart mocking the news.

    • DCBloom

      Me too! That's how I stay so well informed..

    • Toomush_Infer

      So, like me, you get the oldz…..

    • Simple J Malarkey

      I commend your fair and balanced approach to news.

    • Benny

      Yep.That's why Al Gore invented the internet,I reckon.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      And sometimes Rachel Maddow gets her scoops from Wonkette mocking the news before Jon Stewart.

  • Doktor Zoom

    OT, and probably you've seen this elsewhere, but Samuel L Jackson would like to have a word with you.

  • vodkamuppet

    I will be busy poring beers for sloppy drunk Tigers fans but I will occasionally interject to sexually harass Barb.

  • JackObin

    Two irrelevent, blathering millionaires screeching nonsense about nonsense for morons. Just another day in the greatest country the world has ever known. Mencken was prescient.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Two irrelevent, blathering millionaires screeching nonsense about nonsense

      Yeah, but the Presidential debate was Wednesday.

    • Radiotherapy

      The fact that Stewart routinely makes me laugh, and carries some of the water, makes him relevant. Mencken was very prescient.

    • DCBloom

      Yeah, but at least Jon admits to being a comedian

  • sbj1964

    Jon Stewart should start the debate by Rick Rolling Billy O.Bring out that Irish temper,and watch him lose it.While Cobert stands in at the last moment to moderate.

  • decentcitizen

    A debate just gives the patina of legitimacy to a certain wrong-headed point of view. Stewart doesn't need it and BillO doesn't deserve it.

    • Simple J Malarkey

      A debate just gives the patina of legitimacy to a certain wrong-headed point of view. Romney Stewart doesn't need deserve it and Bill O doesn't deserve it.

      FIFY

  • Doktor Zoom

    Another OT: Handsome Old Joe Biden gets a big hug from 15-year old admirer Kobe Groce.

    Caution: Strong men also cry.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Thanks for making me all weepy. That's a great story about why who is in the White House is important.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      so did emotional chicks who just lost their job.

      • ThundercatHo

        Very sorry to hear, hope you find something better soon.

        • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

          thanks it was very unexpected and i had just settled in.

          thought it was the perfect job for me.

          ;(

          • Willardbot9000_V2.5

            Oyye…been there, done that. Although in my case it wasn't actually a terrible thing because my go nowhere bank job was interfering with finishing my second degree. But yeah that sucks…and there's always a better place to work, no matter what you do (except for lazy make money off money people like RMoney and Paris Hilton).

      • Doktor Zoom

        Oh, well THAT sucks! Good luck to you in whatever's next. Hang in; that is just never easy. Damn.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      No matter how he "gaffes," you know his heart is in the right place.
      This photo is a great reminder of that.
      Thanks, Dok. (*sniff*)

    • fartknocker

      Thanks for sharing this. I chocked and teared up. I truly respect Joe Biden as a man and as our VP.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    This debate is bound to confuse low information voters even further.

    • CommieDad

      I just hope it gets them to vote. If you are watching this, then I say there is a 98% chance that you will side with Stewert (even if he gets shellackeled) , and vote for the President.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Unpossible.

  • Radiotherapy

    I made it to the Bin Laden reference. Sounded like Hollywood glossed talking points. I did, however, enjoy Sarah.

  • jesus_vs_gojira

    For $4.95, I could download free porn and still have $4.95.

  • AtwatersGhost

    …so Elmo is moderating instead of Lehrer, phew!

  • Mittaplasia

    I'd pay more than $4.95 if someone could wipe the memory of the last debate off my hard drive; need worry beads or sumpin, mebbe.

  • dawgeral

    I tuned O'Reilly out seven years ago and won't diginify him again…except perhaps to play the accordion at his funeral. I've never picked one up heretofore. I'll make an exception.

  • rocktonsam

    needs moar Pat Paulsen.

    "I 've raised my standards… now up yours!"

  • finallyhappy

    we are going to the movies tonight- we did refinance the house to afford it.

  • Benny

    I got 5 bux on this thing,Jon.Don't let me down,motherfucker.

  • Benny

    You gonna live-blog it here?

    Pretty sure my laptop can't take that,I'll read it tomorrow anyway.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Though only a few are from Minnesota. And they're NOT responsible for One L.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i am drowning my laid off ass in red wine and another viewing of the avengers.

    but i will totally check in with you all for more distraction.

    • rocktonsam

      you're allowed to drown your laid off ass in red wine today, tomorrow and what the hell Monday is a holiday.

      So Tuesday, get out there and knock em dead kid.

  • ttommyunger

    I don't know why Jon dignifies this turd's existence. Jon is a real talent, Bill, like Rush, is just a hack who has found his demographic and mines it.