BATTLE OF THE CABLE ICONS  1:07 pm October 6, 2012

The Jon Stewart & Bill O’Reilly Debate-Like Thing, 8 PM Saturday: We’ll Blog It Live!

by Doktor Zoom

One of these things is not like the othersAttention, Wonketteers! We are pleased to announce that Your Wonkette will be live-embloggening what promises to be a far more entertaining debate than that thing that happened on Wednesday. Join Your Doktor Zoom at 8 PM (Eastern) for a livebloog of tonight’s epic, not-at-all-over-hyped Pay-Per-View butting of heads between Jon “I Just Do Comedy” Stewart and Bill “Me Too, Though I Don’t Admit It” O’Reilly.

Access to the online stream can be purchased here for $4.95; reading our liveblog will not cost you a single extra penny. (If you are a fancy two-computer household, you may want to stream the debate on the faster computer and read the liveblog on the other one; the stream will also be available on a variety of TeleVisual devices as well. Also, if you are a fancy two-computer household, why are you still on welfare, huh?) We really hope the internet can contain the explosion of awesome that will occur tonight.

Please come up with rules for the Drinking Game in the comments; at the very least, they should include careful definitions of what counts as bullying attempts on O’Reilly’s part, and false equivalencies on Stewart’s.

Also, if we may channel our internal Sara Benincasa, don’t forget to stock up on beer and falafels, you filthy fuckaducks!

[O'Reilly v. Stewart 2012: The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium]

Disclaimer-y Stuff: Wonkette Media LLC is not affiliated with the producers of this debate, Straight Talk, Inc./Busboy Productions, Inc.; please see the debate website and FAQ for other information.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 124 comments }

Barbara_ October 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Fuck it! We'll do it live!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Drink!

Barbara_ October 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Cheers!

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Any Ronald Reagan reference from Oh Really = face San Clemente, do one shot.

Any Ronald Reagan reference from Stewart = face Brooklyn, take one hit.

Pragmatist2 October 6, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"Brooklyn"???? WTF.
Face New Jersey!!!!

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Attitude is from Brooklyn. Technically you're right, but telling someone to face New Jersey and get high is a tougher sell.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Shore libel !!!

OzoneTom October 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"Also, if you are a fancy two-computer household, why are you still on welfare, huh?"

Being a 47%-er moocher is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

That's why I got me some Obama computers.

CivicHoliday October 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Every time Jon uses self-deprecating humor to make a valid point: finish your bourbon
Every time Billo loses his cool: drink a 4 ounce cup of water. (gotta stay hydrated people)

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm

If I do that, I'll be pi**ing too much to watch the debate. O WAYT I NOES: pi** into the empty bourbon bottle!

CivicHoliday October 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm

EXACTLY. Or you could wear depends.

James Michael Curley October 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It depends.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

The men in my family must have them on all weekend. Because: football.

HogeyeGrex October 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Water? Shouldn't that be some motherfucking iced tea?

mille derps October 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Woohooo! Caffeeeeeeeine! Up all mother fuckin' night! Hell yeah!

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Double the Republican effect by drinking an Arnold Palmer.

Bezoar October 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'm an 8-computer household, but they're all made from surplus crap. Oh, and pirated software.

James Michael Curley October 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Dead Steve Jobs says, "Arrrrgh"

gullywompr October 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I've been wanting to channel Sara Benincasa for a long time.

A long time…

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm

In my dreams, I often find myself channeling Sara.

kittensdontlie October 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I am sorry but for me to watch O'Dumbass, he is going to have to pay me, and a lot more than five dollars.

Geminisunmars October 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Reading the live-blog will be a lot less deleterious to our health.

kittensdontlie October 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Or if John would debate an empty chair, that would be fine.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Just print this out and tape it to one side of your screen!

kittensdontlie October 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Well that will be easy…thank you. And when I hear his noise, which is similar to a thousand angry birds pecking at my eardrums, I will mute.

emmelemm October 6, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Ditto. But the live-bloog is free!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:01 pm

You are supposed to be resting. This will just get you fired up.

ManchuCandidate October 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Each Faux Newz talking point, one shot.

Each time O'Reilly denies fact, one shot

Each smartass burn from Stewart, one shot.

By this point, everyone will have died of alcohol poisoning

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Weird — each of those photos of them was taken so long ago, their hairdo's actually resemble each other (and the resemblance ends there.)

nounverb911 October 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Will Bill'O be showing us how to make falafels?

Will_Panic October 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Jesus Christ, let's hope not.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

No loofas either!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

You have to be in a shower to make falafel.

sbj1964 October 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The Fox News channel,and Comedy Central same thing as far as I'm concerned.Comedy Central is just better at the real news facts.

Texan_Bulldog October 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Someone should tell Jon that when you wrestle with pigs you both get dirty…and the pig likes it.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Aw, they're pals from way back. O'Reilly actually becomes nearly tolerable when Stewart's needling him.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm

true fact.

Chet Kincaid_ October 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Stewart had his fling with McCain too, once upon a time. He always falls for the bad boys, and ends up feeling betrayed and used.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:03 pm

A shower and a loofa afterwards should get rid of all that.

PsycWench October 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Is Doctor Zoom the red furry one on the left?

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Shhhhh!

PsycWench October 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I'm worried because if you are, I have a lot of miniature versions of you around the house and even played with a puppet version of you earlier.

Benny October 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Mitt wants to kill you.I'm just sayin.Watch your 6.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

So you are on the Federal gravy chain. Just spend all your time avoiding work and blogging like Michelle Obama.

mille derps October 6, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That's a ticklish question…

finallyhappy October 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

You do know that Elmo is actually the arm of a fairly large black man- Kevin Clash. This is why RMoney wants to get rid of PBS

seppdecker October 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Every time O'Rlly uses self-deprecating humor to try and beat Stewart, take a shot of what the person to your right is drinking.

If you're drinking alone, seek help.

Designer_Rants October 6, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Pragmatist2 October 6, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Dark Truth Time: Much as I hate to say it, Bill O''Reilly (unlike his disgusting brethren) is a smart guy. For a "conservative' he has a surprising grasp of the facts. Unlike William Kristol (who is an intellectual midget) O'Reilly actually is a challenge for Stewart.
Please don't downfist me. My Bucket List demands that I get to 120p.

deanbooth October 6, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Wonkette, where all the fists are up.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm

For $4.95 I'll upfist you.

Pragmatist2 October 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I am a whore, but I am a cheap whore. $2.95 is my best offer.

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I gave a pity upfist for free. Actually no, I used my stash of Cayman Islands upfists and will take it as a charitable deduction.

Fare la Volpe October 6, 2012 at 4:47 pm

You do remember that O'Reilly asserted with no sarcasm that no one can explain how the tides work and where the moon came from, right?

Lumbering oaf likely to bulldoze over anyone who tries to use rationality to debate him — I will give you. But "smart guy" — absolutely not.

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I was thinking of his botched research on the Lincoln bio he published, too.
Apart from his clumsy unsportsmanship in interviews and boorish behavior accounted for by whichever women — I'm with Pragmatist insofar as: compared to most Føx douchebags with heads full of gas, since the pool of imaginable options is severely limited, Bill is close as I can see among any of them capable of holding one's own in a debate scenario as a spectacle worth tuning in for.

meepmeep09 October 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Along these lines, when comparing O'Reilly to his Fox cohort during one of their get-togethers, Stewart said to Bill-O, "You're the skinniest kid at Fat Camp."

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm

"Downfist" ye? I hardly missed ye!

There. Now you're almost to twenty thumbz' up on your comment, at least~

ttommyunger October 6, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I don't fist, but I also don't agree. Bill is a pompous ass whose intellect is overshadowed by an enormous ego fueled by amazingly deep-seated insecurities. In short, fuck him.

deanbooth October 6, 2012 at 2:16 pm

We want Orly! We want Orly!

(Taints, that is.)

Mittaplasia October 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Oily Twatz will be the immigration czar if Mittens wins.

Redgyal October 6, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Neither of these two men needs the additional money or the additional publicity so I will stick with the Wonkette summary. Sorry no snark. I am just that cheap and mean.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Cheap and mean is our bread and butter at Wonkette.

OK, and buttsecks, of course.

SnarkOff October 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm

All of them, Katie.

Redgyal October 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Well, go ahead and butter your bread!

mille derps October 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Ooh- poetry!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm

In fairness, this is for chairity.

Redgyal October 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Of course…..I never heard of a TV personality doing a charity event because it would help their image.

Troubledog October 6, 2012 at 2:23 pm

In before OH SHIT WONKETTE IS BROKEN NO UPDATES FOR YOU GO TO A DIFFERENT SITE WAIT WE FIXED IT GO BACK TO WONKETTE

Crank_Tango October 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Hmm, well I will probably be too high to contribute a thoughtful, reasoned analysis of the debate and its coverage, but whatever.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Excellent! O'Reilly regularly describes Stewart's audience as dope-smoking hippies, so he may very well appreciate having at least one data point that the fact-checkers won't slam him for.

memzilla October 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Computer-owning dope-smoking hippies who do comment have four jerbs! Take that, BLS statisticians!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 6, 2012 at 8:10 pm

That has never stopped me before. Hell, with Bill'O, it is the only way.

BlueStateLibel October 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I'd suggest each time O'Reilly says the word "secular," take a swig, but you'd all wind up in ER for alcohol poisoning.

deliman4 October 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Just do a Tucker on him and call him a DICK and it'll be over before it begins!!

vodkamuppet October 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Zoom, you remembered the beer this time, right?

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Five bottles of assorted New Belgium ales in the fridge. Will stock up this afternoon.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Belguim?!? Where's yer PBarrrrr? Soshiamalist!

ThankYouJeebus October 6, 2012 at 2:36 pm

If Bill suggests they adjourn to a steamy soapy shower, DRINK!

shelwood46 October 6, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Only one computer, though I do have a nifty, cheap Roku. Weird thing about the Roku: there are absolutely shittons of religious and conservative channels available for it, vs like three dedicated progressive channels (and zero atheist channels, but, yeah). I'm not sure anyone anywhere actually watches any of those, as they are too busy streaming Netflix and Hulu on it.

Designer_Rants October 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I got Roku for the tentacle porn channels.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 2:56 pm

personally i just hope they finally settle that whole 'tide' thing.

mille derps October 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

The tide goes in, the tide goes out- you can't explain it…

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 6, 2012 at 6:35 pm

only if there is ONE miscommunication…which Bill O' will argue occurs because gawd is drunk. These guys are all so, so desperate to make thier shallow moronic claims aren't they? I submit conservatives are evidence god doesn't exist…I reject that I could have been created in the same image of and by the 'designer' who designed them. Besides, Alabama wingnuts still can't explain why they have triple the cromosomes the rest of us have…

Detesticle October 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Some people get their news from Jon Stewart mocking the news. I get my news from Wonkette mocking Jon Stewart mocking the news.

Sometimes I get my news from Wonkette commenteers mocking Wonkette mocking Jon Stewart mocking the news.

DCBloom October 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Me too! That's how I stay so well informed..

Toomush_Infer October 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm

So, like me, you get the oldz…..

Simple J Malarkey October 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I commend your fair and balanced approach to news.

Benny October 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Yep.That's why Al Gore invented the internet,I reckon.

Chet Kincaid_ October 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

And sometimes Rachel Maddow gets her scoops from Wonkette mocking the news before Jon Stewart.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

OT, and probably you've seen this elsewhere, but Samuel L Jackson would like to have a word with you.

vodkamuppet October 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I will be busy poring beers for sloppy drunk Tigers fans but I will occasionally interject to sexually harass Barb.

JackObin October 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Two irrelevent, blathering millionaires screeching nonsense about nonsense for morons. Just another day in the greatest country the world has ever known. Mencken was prescient.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Two irrelevent, blathering millionaires screeching nonsense about nonsense

Yeah, but the Presidential debate was Wednesday.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

The fact that Stewart routinely makes me laugh, and carries some of the water, makes him relevant. Mencken was very prescient.

DCBloom October 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Yeah, but at least Jon admits to being a comedian

sbj1964 October 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Jon Stewart should start the debate by Rick Rolling Billy O.Bring out that Irish temper,and watch him lose it.While Cobert stands in at the last moment to moderate.

decentcitizen October 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

A debate just gives the patina of legitimacy to a certain wrong-headed point of view. Stewart doesn't need it and BillO doesn't deserve it.

Simple J Malarkey October 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm

A debate just gives the patina of legitimacy to a certain wrong-headed point of view. Romney Stewart doesn't need deserve it and Bill O doesn't deserve it.

FIFY

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Another OT: Handsome Old Joe Biden gets a big hug from 15-year old admirer Kobe Groce.

Caution: Strong men also cry.

ThankYouJeebus October 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Thanks for making me all weepy. That's a great story about why who is in the White House is important.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm

so did emotional chicks who just lost their job.

ThundercatHo October 6, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Very sorry to hear, hope you find something better soon.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 5:59 pm

thanks it was very unexpected and i had just settled in.

thought it was the perfect job for me.

;(

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 6, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Oyye…been there, done that. Although in my case it wasn't actually a terrible thing because my go nowhere bank job was interfering with finishing my second degree. But yeah that sucks…and there's always a better place to work, no matter what you do (except for lazy make money off money people like RMoney and Paris Hilton).

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Oh, well THAT sucks! Good luck to you in whatever's next. Hang in; that is just never easy. Damn.

DemmeFatale October 6, 2012 at 4:28 pm

No matter how he "gaffes," you know his heart is in the right place.
This photo is a great reminder of that.
Thanks, Dok. (*sniff*)

fartknocker October 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Thanks for sharing this. I chocked and teared up. I truly respect Joe Biden as a man and as our VP.

johnnyzhivago October 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

This debate is bound to confuse low information voters even further.

CommieDad October 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I just hope it gets them to vote. If you are watching this, then I say there is a 98% chance that you will side with Stewert (even if he gets shellackeled) , and vote for the President.

starfanglednut October 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Unpossible.

Radiotherapy October 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I made it to the Bin Laden reference. Sounded like Hollywood glossed talking points. I did, however, enjoy Sarah.

jesus_vs_gojira October 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

For $4.95, I could download free porn and still have $4.95.

AtwatersGhost October 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

…so Elmo is moderating instead of Lehrer, phew!

Mittaplasia October 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I'd pay more than $4.95 if someone could wipe the memory of the last debate off my hard drive; need worry beads or sumpin, mebbe.

dawgeral October 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I tuned O'Reilly out seven years ago and won't diginify him again…except perhaps to play the accordion at his funeral. I've never picked one up heretofore. I'll make an exception.

rocktonsam October 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

needs moar Pat Paulsen.

"I 've raised my standards… now up yours!"

finallyhappy October 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm

we are going to the movies tonight- we did refinance the house to afford it.

Benny October 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I got 5 bux on this thing,Jon.Don't let me down,motherfucker.

Benny October 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

You gonna live-blog it here?

Pretty sure my laptop can't take that,I'll read it tomorrow anyway.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Though only a few are from Minnesota. And they're NOT responsible for One L.

fuflans October 6, 2012 at 6:03 pm

i am drowning my laid off ass in red wine and another viewing of the avengers.

but i will totally check in with you all for more distraction.

rocktonsam October 6, 2012 at 6:28 pm

you're allowed to drown your laid off ass in red wine today, tomorrow and what the hell Monday is a holiday.

So Tuesday, get out there and knock em dead kid.

ttommyunger October 6, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I don't know why Jon dignifies this turd's existence. Jon is a real talent, Bill, like Rush, is just a hack who has found his demographic and mines it.

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