Washington Free Beacon Exclusive: The BLS Is Full Of Pedophiles

  hey kids here's some labor figures

pictured: your model BLS economistAfter this morning’s shocking revelation that Obama made persistently mediocre jobs numbers slightly less mediocre by faking the whole thing, it was time for conservative media to bring their awesome and terrible powers of destruction to bear on the nonpartisan civil servants at the Bureau of Labor Statistics who made bad numbers happen.

The Washington Free Beacon apparently won the shitty-ass human being roulette today, and set about their task with aplomb. Sadly, all they found was a really boring thing that two of the economists employed by the BLS donated to Obama.

Harley Frazis of Bethesda, MD, has contributed at least $2,000 to Obama and $9,000 to the Democratic National Convention over the last three election cycles.

[...]

Stephen Phillips of Washington, D.C., has contributed at least $270 to Obama during the 2012 cycle. According to his LinkedIn profile, Phillips has been an economist at BLS since June 2009. Phillips was responsible for examining the impact of Obamacare on Healthcare North American Industry Classification System indices. Phillips was also assistant coach for a girls’ high school tennis team in 2010.

 
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So, yes, that’s a really stupid way of bringing an end to thWHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LAST LINE.

We’ve confirmed that BLS employs at least two people (out of hundreds of employees) who are Democrats. I’m sure in someone’s mind that’s more than enough to indict the entire enterprise in normal wingnut fashion.

But why toss in the “he coaches girls’ high school tennis” line? Is he busy driving down the unemployment rate to try and get teenage girls in his Camaro? Was he not paying attention to the household survey because he was shopping for wine coolers and One Direction albums?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Are all the 114,000 newly employed in September sex offenders? THIS is the Obamanation.

[Washington Free Beacon]

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187 comments

  1. Dumbedup

    yes, a conspiracy of actuaries and statisticians, sounds as exciting as the french revolution, doesn't it?

  2. the_onceler

    Great– someone trying to make a living and volunteering and they have to deal with asshole conservative "media". Lovely

    (Not snark and downright pissed)

  3. CommieDad

    My brother teaches High School Girls Tennis (N.B. he is a high school chemistry teacher). He is employed. So, is he part of the conspiracy?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I always thought the clandestine alliance of the Masons, The Bilderburger Group, the NSA and the National Association of Secondary School Coaches was a very, very open secret.

      Yup, and all cooking the books for the re-election of a secret Muslim.

    2. bloggingbalkanistan

      Short answer: yes
      Long Answer: yes, and he's on the vanguard to replace the constitution with sharia law, as are all tennis coaches ;)

  4. fawkedifiknow

    That one guy has been there since 2009 and he just now gets around to doing the job he was hired for – cooking the books for Obama?

    Impeach!!!

    1. actor212

      That was my first reaction to this story: you mean to tell me Obama was so stupid that he'd wait until the September jobs report to suddenly appear 140,000 new jobs? Why not do it just after Romney clinched the nomination? Or just ahead of the convention? Or hell, back in 2010 just before the midterm elections, when it would have saved the House for the Dems?

    2. grace_nearing

      The Beacon updated its story: Phillips left the BLS in mid-summer 2012. Which of course does not mean he's innocent of sauteeing the stats for September.

  5. coolhandnuke

    …Phillips was also assistant coach for a girls’ high school tennis team in 2010…

    There's the proof. Arrest him now and toss him in the Billie Jean King prison wing.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Chris Evert anecdote: Back in the late seventies my dad was the sports editor at a Tucson newspaper and he told me of this doozy. The World Team Tennis league was in town for a match. Bob Hillman–a schlub of a sports reporter for a local news channel opens up the Chris Evert press conference with this question–"Miss Evert do you believe that woman with large breasts are at a disadvantage when it comes to pro tennis?" She stared at Hillman for about 30 seconds then walked out of the interview.

          1. coolhandnuke

            I didn't follow Hillman's career too closely. But if he did join the Golf Channel, I'm pretty sure he asked Lee Elder "is it true that black golfers have a more difficult time putting because of their large penises?"

  6. CthuNHu

    Didn't Jimmy Carter confess to being an assistant coach for a girls’ high school tennis team in his heart?

    1. HogeyeGrex

      I knew Carter had a big heart, but I had no idea he could fit a whole tennis team in there.

  7. scorpy1

    Hilariously now has this update:
    Phillips served as an economist at BLS between June 2009 and July 2012.

    1. docterry6973

      Probably quit his job to get ready for 'tennis season', if you get my drift. I swear these Goppers are dumb.

      1. weejee

        Since it looks like it's going to pass, we should be thankful SEATAC upgraded the radars so the aeroplane pilots will be able to see through the purple haze.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          And the most beautiful part about the whole thing? The proposed law legalizing the dope in WA says it has to be 100% HOME GROWN. As in, actual JOBS for certified Washington State dope farmers. Licensing, taxing, and marketing it in state ganja stores. I love it!

          I probably won't actually smoke it, but just knowing it's there, and legal (well, as far as the state is concerned) warms the cockles of my tiny librul heart.

          1. CommieDad

            You can also cook it, if you don't want to smoke it. Also, a year from November, just stepping foot in WA will be enough to get you high.

  8. qwerty42

    I'd say the hysteria of these groups suggests they realize their candidate is losing and they cannot imagine why this is. Except for the fact they are always hysterical and it is always Munich, or teh gheyz or teh blahs or teh wimminz or something. So, there is no way to draw any conclusions from this except they are nuts.

  9. actor212

    But why toss in the “he coaches girls’ high school tennis” line?

    They took that straight out of his Playgirl centerfold spread!

  10. GhostBuggy

    Well, the wingnut anger is, of course, that he coaches a team of icky girls. Why isn't he the coach of, say, a boy's swimming or gymnastics team, like a real American?

  11. chicken_thief

    "…two of the economists employed by the BLS donated to Obama."

    Oh, shit…. the folks at the Washington Free Bacon have learned to use the googlez. Obummerz will never get away with his hijinx now.

      1. Mittaplasia

        Well, he won't be dialing a California number because we like our gheys just like they are, and because it's not clear how long you cure one of them, anyway.

    1. Crank_Tango

      …and the first thing I think is "fit girls in cute short skirts." Does that mean there is something wrong with me?

    2. Negropolis

      Yeah, it can go either way, but neither way good. Either he's a pedophile or one of Teh Gheys.

  12. StillGoinGreen

    It is impossible to be truly honest about the economy when you are a Muslim loving liberal who teaches young women the art of properly handling fuzzy balls. What is so hard to understand about that?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      the art of properly handling fuzzy balls

      Nubile, tanned, ponytailed girls in short skirts on the court, searching the ground bent over surely looking for a stray spanking. I mean, a stray Spalding®.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        Unfortunately, the *Nubile, tanned, ponytailed girls in short skirts on the court* have been replaced by brooding, purple haired, nose-lip-eyebrow pierced teens who get way too much and accomplish way too little. Trust me on this one, my daughters are both in HS athletics. I do like the visual you have offered, however. It reminds me of the 80's style teenie movies, like Porky's or Revenge of the Nerds.

  13. Come here a minute

    David McConnel of Falls Church, VA, has contributed $1,200 to Obama and $800 to Democratic senate candidates over the last three election cycles. He drives a black conversion van with tinted windows.

  14. C_R_Eature

    So, you're telling me that BLS doesn't stand for Bacon Loving Statisticians?

    *Rips up Application*

  15. BlueStateLibel

    Need Mitt Rmoney to get back on TV and give another frenetic used-care salesman performance STAT.

    1. greenloner

      Thank you for putting into words for me exactly what Mitt's performance was like. That's exactly right: "frenetic used-car salesman."

  16. sudsmckenzie

    Fuck, I "donated" more than $270 to Captain Morgan just to make it through the 20 Republican debates.

  17. SexySmurf

    Phillips was also assistant coach for a girls’ high school tennis team in 2010.

    If there's grass on the court, play ball (or whatever they say in tennis).

  18. mwittier

    Next, the Washington Flea Beacon is going to use a picture of a cute boy to set up a Facebook account, and flirt with President Obama.

    Then, when he brags about having a boyfriend at another school to Joe Biden, the hottie is going to tell him that he's ugly and that everyone thinks he should kill himself.

    It's all just adorable mean-girl hijinx until someone gets their feelings hurt.

  19. RaflcaFlkaFlame

    Ok, ok fine. I admit it. I did it. I galloped into the BLS myself and changed the maths, not Barry :(

  20. C_R_Eature

    Well hell, I spend more than $270 in electric every time I spin up the Interrossiter to call home to report on our human experiment progress…

    Oops, I've said too much.

  21. ManchuCandidate

    It's the takes one to know one, I guess.

    Jack Welch, GE chair honoranus from 1981-2002.

    Because EPS is, essentially, net income, it is fairly easily manipulated. Management has control over the timing of some expenses and some revenue, and can therefore adjust the EPS number. General Electric (GE), for instance, met earnings or beat by one or two cents per share for something like 38 quarters in a row during the late 1990s and early 2000s. Considering the vagaries of business, this performance is suspicious.

    1. bobbert

      Before Daimler-Benz was listed on the NYSE, it was generally agreed that the only accurate numbers in any annual report were the year.

  22. JustPixelz

    "examining the impact of Obamacare on Healthcare North American Industry Classification System indices."

    Sounds like a nice cushy job. According to Steve Doocy, Obamacare reduces the whole thing to one code: DEAD

  23. Baconzgood

    The numbers are fixed.

    It's true I hold the down markers for my kids football games and a Line Judge told me that he heard it from a highschool socer ref that, his Jr. high girls softball ump cousin was told by a lacross score keeper that, golf instructers and tennis coaches are in leage with ice dancing judges to get Obama reelected for the guys that shoot the starter's pistol at track and field meets.

    WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!!!

  24. ChillBill

    "Is he busy driving down the unemployment rate to try and get teenage girls in his Camaro?"

    Hey, it worked wonders for Joe Biden, right? He's cruising in a Firebird full of cheerleaders as we speak…

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      While playin' some rockin' tunes from such arena bands as Foreigner, Loverboy and Journey. When Joe really wants to get the ladies wet he slips in Led Zeppelin IV but when he wants to keep his credibility with the guys he puts on Apetite for Destruction by Guns N Roses. Of course his music collection is all on tapes (with his old school Pioneer stereo sound system) because CD's, MP3's, MP4's, etc. are for pussies!

  25. sudsmckenzie

    In a related story, the tennis team revised their 2010 numbers which revealed an extra 17 balls.

  26. JustPixelz

    You'd think someone with the skill to coach a "girls’ high school tennis team in 2010" could've pushed those numbers down further and sooner.

    Another "math truther" said unemployed Democrats are lying to the survey, claiming to have a job. That can only mean employed Repubicans are also lying, claiming to be out of work to make Bamz look bad. But there are so many employed Repubicans (AOTK) then unemployed anybodies, that unskewing the lies would push the unemployment rate down — a lot. Your move, foilheads.

  27. delaney_blom

    I'm still waiting for the reports from the Bureau of Labor Lies and the Bureau of Labor Damn, Dirty Lies.

    1. RaflcaFlkaFlame

      We pointed out the fairly obvious, republicans are just pulling random shit from the sky.

        1. IncenseDebate

          The crimes of Bush and Cheney were high crimes and treason. I mean lying to get us into a war that did nothing but waste lives and money. We're going to be paying for that for a long time. So, the anger we felt then was very much a legitimate, righteous anger. These wingnuts manufacture anger over nothing. It's a real study in mass hysteria.

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            I'm working on a project with them right now. I always have to bite my tongue or be worried I'll ask them how they transport the kitten blood to Cheney's undisclosed location.

        2. anniegetyerfun

          Oh, there were definitely some leftists out there who couldn't stop with the Hitler comparisons. They were nuts, but then, CNN didn't pay them much attention. Because Leftist crazy smells like patchouli and Linux programming, whereas Rightwing crazy is pretty much every CEO on Wall Street.

        3. Negropolis

          I always hear conservatives bring up Truthers when Birthers are brought up. As well as I can remember, I don't remember hearing sitting congressmen claiming that Bush did 9/11 nor over half the Democratic Party.

          Some of the craziness might be comparable, but the scale is on a whole other level with Republicans.

    2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Remember when it was "treason" to criticize the President during a time of war? So glad everyone has stuck to that.

  28. mrblifil

    Why did they have to ruin a perfectly dirty salacious story about fudged employment figures by throwing in nubile and untutored tennis-playing teenage girls? WHY?

  29. rickmaci

    I knew the minute I heard the news this morning, the RebpubliCons would be screaming by lunchtime like little squirrels who had just had somebody stomp on their nuts.

  30. Monsieur_Grumpe

    The unemployment goes down a little bit and the wingnutz freak out seeing conspiracy in every facet of their tiny little lives. I have a feeling that the only thing that will make them happy if some horrible tragedy were to take place that they can blame on Obama. More deaths the better I suppose.

    1. Simple J Malarkey

      "According to his LinkedIn profile"

      I, like Phillips, have tons of every kind of statistics (including lies, damned lies and half-truths) on my LinkedIn profile. Because I got laid off by my Job Creator, so I'm currently temping ("consulting" I call it on LinkedIn) and LinkedIn is a big part of networking to find a real job. (It's all the networking I do, actually, since I couldn't stand talking directly with any of those assholes I'm Linked to when I actually worked with them let alone now that I don't absolutely have to.)

      Lying on LinkedIn is just like lying on your resume: unfettered free enterprise that made this country what it is today.

      Point being, just because Phillips says on LinkedIn he worked somewhere, doesn't mean it's not merely a "statistic." He donated to Obama! Probably never worked a day in his life, the freeloader.

  31. Mittens Howell, III

    I never read Conservative newspapers, I roll them up and use them to swat muppets.

  32. MonkeyMotion

    Meanwhile, at Mitten's HQ…

    Mittens: "Issa! Where the hell's Issa? Where the hell's Bachmann? We need a Congressional investigation of BLS, and we need it now!"

    Staffer: "Don't worry boss — just tell everyone BLS is full of communist muslims, and that unemployment under Obama continues to be over, say, 27%.

    Mittens: [smacks forehead] "Of course! Now fetch me some clean underwear."

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      That pretty well sums it up…when I saw the news for today Miffed was using his trademark unctuous smirk while talking about how "sad" he is that so many people left the workforce; he's such a fucking phony.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      They had to bring in some extras to make up the missing Strategic Syrup Reserve volumes.

  33. LibrarianX

    You mean girls' high school tennis team that IS CURRENTLY BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN TEHRAN?????

  34. Naked_Bunny

    Odd how my mental voice for reading conservative "news" always sounds like the spawn of Gilbert Gottfried and Sam Kinison.

  35. glamourdammerung

    A lot of people working for the federal government are Democrats. After all, you generally have to have a college degree and some kind of useful skill set to and statistically speaking, that makes one a lot more likely to be a Democrat.

    1. Veritas78

      Plus, it helps to believe that what you do for a living is a worthwhile endeavor.

      Actually, I'm amazed any republicans work in government. They must be doing it for the buttsechs.

  36. Negropolis

    See, Jesse did all of this Grade A sleuthing and didn't even have to use a chalkboard.

    Suck it, Beck.

  37. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Hahaha…when I saw the article title with "Pedophile" and Washington Free Beacon in it I just assumed another right wing fart bubble had been caught as a serial child molester. Oh well still plenty o' wingnut pedophiles just waiting to get caught; all we need to do is wait.

  38. Incitefully_Joe

    I was not aware that our good friend Extemporaneous worked for the BLS.

    (No I don't care that Extemp has changed his avatar since then, he will always be the Pedobear of my heart. Wait, what?)

  39. ttommyunger

    Sheeeeiiiiiitttt! You think they're frantic now? Just wait 'till Old Handsome Joe gets through with the Zombie-Eyed Granny Starver next week; they'll all be wearing their clothes out from the inside-out…

  40. TribecaMike

    "Phillips was also assistant coach for a girls’ high school tennis team in 2010."

    This confirms my long held suspicion that Andy Roddick is a communist.

  41. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Great — every small-time donor to the Obama campaign gets his or her name posted on the interwebz, so that right-wing nutters can fuck with them … while billionaires get to make anonymous donations to GOP SuperPACs.

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