Well, somebody is on the R-train all right! Via our favorite Bogg, T, we have this fabulous old man singing about Barack Obama being the first gay president. (NOBODY TELL HIM ABOUT LINCOLN PLEASE, OR THE OTHER ONE, THE BACHELOR.) Anyway, this should be all the proof you need that the mysterious “Robyns” and “Hazels” who told WND that Barry Obama is a supergeigh were not just pulling things out of their definitely existing asses.

We feel like we have written about William Tapley before besides this one post, but if we did, we don’t seem to have bothered to type in his name. Ah, here is Newell, waxing poetic! At any rate, Mr. Tapley is a national treasure and we love him very much and if more people made videos of themselves standing in a forest screensaver and playing awesome synth and making up lyrics about the president getting blowjobs, this country would be even greater than it has always not ever not been!

Get on the R Train everybody, so you can defunk defund defunk Amtrak! (Also “the arts,” or whatever those pinko commie fag Andres Serranos want to call it, because it is 2012 so of course “Piss Christ” is still a thing.)

[Youtube, via TBogg]

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  • How did this numbnutz figure out how to use a green screen?

    • Actually, he picked boogers and smeared them, and next thing he knew, it was all chromakeyed.

    • Terry

      Probably got help from his gay grandson who is enrolled at RISD.

    • When the train went past him at the end, I so wanted someone to hit him with a big blast of air from off-camera.

      The rest of the time, I so wanted someone to hit him with a croquet mallet, from off-camera. Or on-camera, I'm not picky.

    • The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse is not impressed with your so called "Green Screen" technology. He recorded his thoughts and image directly to your mind via the InterNets. He's just that powerful.

  • Never, never, never use Comic Sans, dude.

    • Well his song was sans comic.

  • nounverb911

    Is Tapley the "Little Engine That Couldn't"?

    • elviouslyqueer

      You can't have Tapley without a little "tap tap tap."

  • Needz moar swishing and flouncing and flirty, flirty eyes.

  • I miss the sofistikashun of Obamer is a Kenyan Muslin Fascist Communist Socialist dictator black racist over the grade skule bullshit they're throwing out now.

  • Was hoping that he was too close to the train and got tumbled under the wheels. dang.

    • kittensdontlie

      If only that had been the D-train….

  • LesBontemps

    Well duh! Everyone knows the R train ends up in Queens.

    • proudgrampa



      • Esteev

        Well done, sir.


  • Typodong3

    Im wondering how our first gay president managed to hide his gayness during the FIRST presidential election???

    • MozakiBlocks

      Well duh, the LIBRUL Media knew this in 2008 but refused to report on it because they wanted Barry to win.

      Do I have to explain everything around here?

    • Down low.


    • StillGoinGreen

      No, no, no, he was Muslim during his first term, he is gay for his second. Thank GOD he doesn't get a crack at a third, or he might would be an abortion.

      • LesBontemps

        I thought we were all gay for his second term?

    • PsycWench

      Well, because he was too busy being Kenyan and all.

    • MissTaken

      Too busy vettening that lesbo Hilz.

    • CthuNHu

      Wow, you learn something new every day!

      Maybe he just held hands with Martha in public a lot?

  • PuckStopsHere

    I like that this guy is a R$money guy. He's got the intellectual heft befitting their supporters. Not to mention the artistic chops.

    • vtxmcrider

      And this is Romney's replacement for Big Bird and PBS?

  • coolhandnuke

    He used to play the skinflute in Grand Fuck Railroad.

    • I think he might have been in E. L. Blow

    • Indiepalin

      His real name is Mark Farmer

  • SexySmurf

    This is the first song I've heard all year that doesn't feature Rihanna. But I'm sure she'll end up on the dub step remix.

    • Negropolis

      Bwahahaha! It's funny 'cause it's true.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Damn! Missed.

  • Yellerdawg

    Well, that totally convinced me. I think this guy wants to ride his "R" train straight up someone's dark tunnel in a bad way.

    • kittensdontlie

      Taking the ol' red-eye…

  • Schmannnity

    Is the "R" train like the short bus?

  • That song would have worked better if it was set to polka music.

  • SwanSwanH

    A little bit pitchy.

  • I'll…bet…he's…fun…at…parties… zzzzzzzzzzz…

    (Could this "tune" be any slow…er?)

    • kittensdontlie

      He needs to switch that to a samba beat.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, that's a hoot! I can see him on the patio, next to the pool, at the end of the snack table that everyone's avoiding…. especially the goth teenager who lives in the basement wondering where the fuck her earphones are…this is hell…

  • IncenseDebate

    These wingnuts sure do think of the ghey all night and day.

  • BornInATrailer

    Is this the one where Diesel rapes Thomas?

  • mrpuma2u

    How can he be a secret muslin and a secret gayz? Muslins hate teh gayz. I haz a confuzed.

  • Callyson

    Jesus, made it to sixteen seconds before my eardrums rebelled. Even Mittens sings better than this guy.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Now that's what I call a burn.

    • Theywontlisten

      and Trent Lott, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffers, John Ashcroft…Ham Rove too

  • sudsmckenzie

    I like how he rhymes "train" with "train"

    • Baconzgood

      It really is subtle and the delivery is warm and introspective with a slight lament like Nick Drake.

    • I like all 'board, (lame in itself), and forward.

      • Toomush_Infer

        That's the bestest!…

  • belmontreport

    I liked that so much that I've now watched 3 of his videos! Apparently God is warning about the coming "end times" through sports. All things black and brown are stand ins for Obama. Please don't watch his videos.

    • kittensdontlie

      You know, you are never getting that time back…but thank you.

    • I liked the "Is the Last Pope (the next one, BTW) Evil or Good?" video best.

      At the beginning, he's all, "I'm not going to tell you what I think, or the three people I'm going to quote think, because I don't want to influence you…"

      And then five seconds later, his Pope fanboyness can't be contained, and he blurts out how of course he's a good Pope, sillies! He's so excited, it'd be adorable, except hate/superstition/mental illness and all.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Stupid (R)'s, Obama once accidentally wore shoes with holes in them for a national photo shoot…Hah, proof otherwise!

  • I would never Tapley that, not even with Editrix's (latex) dick.¹

    ¹I assume it's latex, unless you have an allergy to latex, in which case please subsitute silicone.

  • mavenmaven

    Dr. Freud might see a lot of wishful thinking and repression in Mr. Tapley's work.
    Tapley, come out of the closet already, you will finally be able to wear ladies clothing and move the way you really want to when you play your louche little cabaret songs!

  • SoBeach

    Just doesn't get any better than that.

  • Baconzgood


  • KeepFnThatChicken

    All aboard the Dunning-Krueger Express! Stops along this line include Dissonance, The Creation Museum, and Kook-a-munga.

  • 216stitches

    When is the next rover going to Mars? I want to be on it!

    • Mittaplasia

      On the way, be sure to stop for some gas at the moon; Newt might be looking for some company, mebbe?

  • Typodong3

    Ok wait a minute, had to watch that again. No snark here, that guy is utterly rotten and evil. What a fucking douchebag. You can feel and see the racism and homophobia just dripping from his lily-white pores. This is the kind of bottom dwelling pond scum that makes it verrrry hard for me follow Christs' word to love thy neighbor. Can I make an exception just THIS once? Puleeeese??

    Anyways, he cannot even remotely keep a beat, maintain any sort of rhythm or timing. Ive seen dogs and cats yowling in pretend speech on you tube who sang better than this guy.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Here's how you gain solace, my brother (or sister): Remember that every single person in the world who are praying for benevolence and wisdom for our leaders, including those who feign loving their neighbors, are talking to themselves.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, c'mon…God has a special place in Heaven for him….

    • Negropolis

      I've seen this guy, before, and almost pity him, because he's surely not playing with a full deck. I think Stewart or Colbert did a piece on him a few years back.

  • PubOption

    The R train going forward to the future? I think not.

  • Baconzgood

    Meh. Still better than Cold Play.

  • First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. Then they fight you. Then you win they just start recycling through the same old shit all over again.

  • Baconzgood

    It's like my ears got kicked in the groin.

    • Typodong3

      And not a grazing kick that just stuns you for a sec and then a tiny wash of pain. No, this is the full frontal direct center kick, the kind that doesnt hurt at ALL for 5 seconds, then suddenly you find yourself lying on the floor in the fetal position as racking waves of agony trample your nervous system, sort of kick to the ears.

  • Pragmatist2

    Here's an idea. Let's spread a rumor. Go to a Christian site and comment with one of these:
    "Some people say Romney will use the Book of Mormon rather than the Bible at his swearing in."
    "Is it true that Romney will use the Book of Mormon rather than the Bible at his swearing in?"
    ""Have you heard that Romney will use the Book of Mormon rather than the Bible at his swearing in?"

    • Oooooh, me likey!

    • proudgrampa

      You're good.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Make a Facebook Page.

    • Baconzgood


    • Pragmatist2

      Maybe it could say "Someone told me that Jerome Corsi says that Romney will use the Book of Mormon rather than the Bible at his swearing in."

    • LesBontemps

      "Some people say Romney will use the Book of Mormon rather than the Holy Bible at his swearing in."


    • YouBetcha

      Twitchy and FreeRepublic, here I come.

    • x111e7thst

      Been there, done that (thanks for the idea)

    • HeadsIWin


    • MissTaken

      WARBLOG time!

      • Mittaplasia

        That would be the same Book of Mormon that will let him dig up your grandmother and BAPTIZE HER!

    • C_R_Eature

      Some people say that Mitt Romney posthumously Baptized Ronald Reagan as a Mormon!

  • mrpuma2u

    That song sucked Beluga whales. I want to sneak into this nincompoop's McMansion, open up his keyboard, savage it with a solder gun and then put it back together.

    • prommie

      Beluga whales? I heard thats a good eatin' whale!

    • HogeyeGrex

      Fuck the soldering iron. Just drop a bunch of fresh St. Bernard turds in there and then button it back up.

      OK. A cup of cat piss, to re-etch the circuit board too.

      • See now, careful! This idea veers dangerously close to "raw chicken livers in the air conditioner" territory.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Hop on the R Train, we're moving out…

    God man, I will help you fucking pack.

  • prommie

    Yeah baby its new avatar time in honor of Eisenhower here is Elizabeth Montgomery on a couch with stilleto heels and fuck yes this will only make sense to fakakta so fuck y'all.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Very nice, I thought it might would be the one where she's sticking her butt out so I could post the "Giving him oral, in the back hall…" lyric from this man's weirdly perved out trainwreck of an ode here. Ah well, Samantha is looking FINE!

    • proudgrampa

      Well I, for one, appreciate an Elizabeth Montgomery in stilleto heels anytime.

      And no disrespect to Fakakta.

    • Christ on a cracker, this is the second time that photo shoot has popped up….heh!…in my life this week alone!

      • prommie

        Elizabeth Montgomery is a thing. I don't know why, but she keeps appearing somehow lately. It may be a sign of the end times.

        • The end times are going to be fun then, eh?

          • prommie

            They started out with a bang.

          • Theywontlisten

            Personally I can't wait until 12/21/12…It's gonna be hawt

  • Schmannnity

    The flip side is White on Rice.

  • LibrarianX

    Looks like Ted Nugent.

    • kyeshinka

      After fucking his sister with his strap-on.

  • BornInATrailer

    Worst. Coors ad. Ever.

    • Guppy

      I don't know, it certainly drives me to drink.

  • Jay-Z's production is slipping.

  • ♪♫ Fake train, fake train, going so fast ♫♪

    The Rs want to put America on the Gulf, Mobile, and Ohio – the beloved GM&O now outsourced to the Canadians.

  • Boojum

    Closeted self-hater hates himself, to music.

    • Isyaignert

      Really, really shitty music.

  • rickmaci

    This guy is going to give wingnuttery a really bad reputation.

  • Goonemeritus

    What is all this about the revered 42nd President of the United States Getting BJ’s from people other than Hillary? I don’t recall any scandal back then, did I miss something?

  • Baconzgood

    That awsome pose he makes at the end is now my screen saver.

  • edgydrifter

    Lee Greenwood had better look over his shoulder. This guy is gunning for his crown.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Play that funky music white boy.

    • valgal2342

      I stole that, THANKS!

  • Sacanagem

    Dude needs a pop filter and a clue. And talent. And a soul.

  • TootsStansbury

    This r train is a few cars short, if you know what I mean.

    Are they now reduced to pointing and yelling "he's a gay!" Fucking hell.

  • Schmannnity

    Who needs PBS when the free market has this kind of talent?

  • SexySmurf

    OT what's with the Newsmax headline widget shit over there above the blogroll? Is Wonkette really that hard up?

    • sudsmckenzie

      I felt the same way when we had that insipid Cross Roads auto add up for a couple of weeks. I consoled myself with the thought Karl Rove was buying the first round at the Wonkette Drinky Thingies.

      • SexySmurf

        If it helps I'll click on one of the links. Maybe the one about Mitt Romney's Health Secret: Fisting.

    • Hey, if it pays the rent — I don't know if anyone else had this, but a few weeks ago, when the GOP still had its heart and cash behind the idea of pirating disappointed Obama voters, whenever I went to Wonkette this soundtrack would start playing somewhere. I'd scan all the ads and couldn't find where this one was to shut it off until I finally found it down above the sitemeter and below the copyright notice. It did, however, convince me to make a donation to the Obama campaign. Don't think the ad meant to do that. I think it was an AFP ad.

  • PsycWench

    What happened to all of Bryan Fischer's hair?

  • Esteev

    Any one who calls themselves an animal of an apocalypse deserves a record deal.

  • Esteev

    RE: Bill Donoghue

    That fat bastard really pisses me off.

  • C_R_Eature

    You know Who Else wanted to load a whole lot of unsuspecting people on a train?

    • sudsmckenzie

      Von Ryan?

    • YouFail4eva

      Sir Topham Hat?

    • tessiee

      Can't be Mitt; he wants to tie a bunch of unsuspecting people to the roof.

    • tessiee

      Arlo Guthrie?

      • bobbert

        Belated Steve Goodman libel!

    • tessiee

      Wile E. Coyote?

    • HarryButtle

      Agatha Christie? No, wait, they were all SUSPECTED people.

    • Curtis Mayfield?

      • sudsmckenzie

        Don Cornelius?

      • C_R_Eature

        George Clinton?

        • sudsmckenzie

          I think he was more into "ships".

          • C_R_Eature

            Bootsy Collins?

    • Baconzgood


    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Johnny Cash?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      The O'Jays?

    • delaney_blom

      Cornelius Vanderbilt?

    • viennawoods13

      Pete Seeger?

    • Mr. Rogers?

    • Negropolis

      Joe the Biden?

  • Toomush_Infer

    "Here comes the R train, around the bend…" Damn, it missed him…

  • coolhandnuke

    Why do I suspect this guy has an elaborate Lionel train set in his basement with a dildo attached to the lead locomotive?

    • Zango Crudmonger

      And when the missus is tucked in for the night, he slips into the basement, turns off the power and pulls that train himself, all night.

    • HarryButtle

      His new album will be called Lube on the Tracks.

      • coolhandnuke

        Music by Conductor Old Uncle Tunnel.

  • I'm detecting more than a hint of mint. Gravelly, off-key and on amyl nitrate isn't the way to go through life kids.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I swear we've seen this guy before. But I can't remember what crazy thing he was singing about then.

  • StealthMuslin

    Dennis Miller has really let himself go…

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    This just makes me like Obama more. Not only is he the first African-American president, he's the first gay president too! Oh, my little liberal heart is just bursting with joy!

    • emmelemm

      I read that in the voice of Dr. Zoidberg, and I loved it.

  • Wadisay

    I thought we weren't supposed to use the "R" word any more.

    • TootsStansbury

      This is crying out for it. My thumbs! I am biting them!

  • YasserArraFeck

    Oh. My. Fucking. God.
    Kenny Rogers clearly had a lousy plastic surgeon

    • tessiee

      Me: That's not Kenny Roges, dude.
      Yasser: I know. I was just making an observation.

  • tessiee

    Meh, old news.
    Everybody already knew Barry was gay.
    The latest gossip is that he dumped Lowell Turpin for everyone's favorite block jawed fuck tyrant, Levi Johnson.
    Get with the times, old man.

  • zedbot

    Holy shit.

  • tessiee

    Still better than Nickelback.

    • Mittaplasia

      Not as angst-y.

  • HarryButtle

    Sorry, I'm listening to some John Hiatt and I'm not turning it off to click on that linky and listen to this dumbfuck.

  • DCBloom

    Somebody should really consider auto-tuning that.

  • coolhandnuke

    Mental wounds not healing
    Life's a bitter shame
    I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
    I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I feel more comfortable believing this guy is a genius of satire, so please nobody attempt to convince me otherwise.

    • YouFail4eva

      Believe me, I totally agree. Unfortunately, I'm fairly convinced that this dude clearly believes the line he's giving.

    • ImForMitt!

      Republicans are unfamiliar with the concept of satire.

  • owhatever

    Hate is always the message.

  • The old fool seems to have learned his intonation and phrasing from Snagglepuss:

  • DCBloom

    Is this the crazy train Ozzy was talking about?

  • Blunderthing

    "We hate the black folk–can't call 'em "nigs"–
    That would be racist. Where are my cigs?
    And here's some more strange Republican views:
    Guess who killed Jesus. I hear it was Jews.
    But I'm not racist. I like everyone.
    As long as they're rich and as long as they're white.
    I know that didn't rhyme. But, seriously.
    I'm stupid and strong. Tomorrow belongs to me."

  • Can I ask an OT question… I don't watch much TV, but I've had MSNBC on in the office for a few days leading up to the election.

    WHAT THE FUCK IS "THE CYCLE" supposed to be??????

    Krystal Ball (is she an exotic dancer?) "Tourne with an accent grave???" The chick with the nerdy glasses – and she uses her initals???? WTF is this???? Do they talk or do they just all TWEET at each other???

    • YouFail4eva


      The Cycle is the period of time that a reporter gets to cream his pants at a breaking news story.

      /end snark

      The Cycle is just a 24 hour period while a story is new before it gets buried under a new mountain of bullshit. Sun rise, sun set.

  • x111e7thst

    I'm pretty sure I used to hear this creep humming his tuneless little ditties in the St Marks Baths back when.

  • C_R_Eature

    It seems to me that this Rapture thing they've been promising us all these years is way overdue.

    • kittensdontlie

      Now that's a R-train that I can get on board with…errrr…for those people to board.

      • C_R_Eature

        I'll help 'em pack. And, uh, take care of all their stuff, too.

  • pdiddycornchips

    The beard is a tell. He's like a lot of tea baggers. They long for a return to the 1850's when no one paid taxes, lynching was considered a hobby and everyone had to shit in an outhouse.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Holy crap did that ever suck and I listened to the whole Philosophy of the World by The Shaggs.

  • Fairtackle

    Worst Alanis Morissette cover ever.

    • DahBoner


  • Juicy_Stalin

    I think the guy singing about letting Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney run a train on you isn't in any position to call someone gay

  • Can't wait till the Skrillex remix comes out

  • OneYieldRegular

    Ol' '97 went in the wrong hole,
    Now there's blood on the tracks and
    Blood on the coal…

  • pinkocommi

    This is too funny because MY gay-dar goes off for Romney.

    Let me be clear – Romney doesn't stike me as gay man. He strikes me as a closeted gay man.

    • Pithaughn

      R01100100ney is not gay! But most of the men/boys he has sex with are.

  • DahBoner

    So, it's true, the scourge of HEROIN knows no age boundaries.

    Why, you can see his track marks…


  • docterry6973

    An astounding display of bigotry, stupidity, and … what's the opposite of talent?

  • Neoyorquino

    Projecting much? Something tells me that when he isn't tickling the ivories, William Tapley dreams of pulling a train with Romney and Ryan.

  • Mittaplasia

    …putting the honky in honky-tonk.

  • calliecallie

    Holy Crap! LOL so lame!

  • kyeshinka

    Richard Dreyfus isn't aging too well is he?

  • Isyaignert

    Who is this guy trying to reach – five year olds?

  • Isyaignert

    Everybody knows if you want to move forward you put it in "D" and if you want to go backward you put it in "R".

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Why am I laughing when this makes me so fucking sad.

  • keinsignal

    Best Tim & Eric sketch yet.

  • lochnessmonster

    Holy crap!

  • Mittaplasia

    It's October in California, which reminds me of our state motto: "Cure marijuana, not gays".

  • valgal2342

    If that train would have run right over this guy at the end that would have been the BEST!

    (Somebody probably already said this above but I'm late for the pub and posting without reading them all)

  • HelmutNewton

    William Tapley rentboy scandal in 3,2,1…

    Oh, wait. Nevermind. No one cares about this loser.

  • Am I the only one who hears crickets, actual crickets, while he's playing? I finally figured out it's the soundtrack from the train video.

  • I thought it was funny till he used the word oral at which point I got a sick.

  • Ktvp

    I had a very clever comment but forgot my password, because I never comment. After the passive/aggressive password reset instructions.."choose something that is easier to remember." (Chews this you virtual asshole) I forgot the comment…something involving Lionel trains and Stephen Colbert in old face.

  • editor

    is the 'R' train the bigger brother of the 'shortbus'?

  • JustPixelz

    I only heard the part where Michelle will leave him. Michelle: "Mrs Just Pixelz" PLEASE THINK ABOUT IT.

  • JustPixelz

    "Democrat train wrecks … hurt lots of folks"?

    Poor fella forgot about 2001, when Dubya forgot to keep us safe. Also 2008 when Dubya's faith-based economic policies collapsed.

  • DahBoner
  • ttommyunger

    Ted Nugent is not aging well.

  • Benny

    That dude is obviously begging for a big dick to play with,kinda like Bachmann.He should just come out already,I mean it would be way more simple for him that way.

  • IndianaKevin

    I bet his kids and grandkids are SO PROUD!

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