Jesus these people

Hero Rep. Paul Broun Takes Bible-Based Stand Against Hell-Spawned Lies of ‘Science’

Surprisingly, NOT a still from a David Lynch dream sequenceSpeaking in front of a wall of glassy-eyed dead deer to an audience of glassy-eyed Christians at last month’s 2012 Sportsman’s Banquet at Hartwell, GA’s Liberty Baptist Church, serial Obama-speech-boycotter Rep. Paul Broun (R-JesusJesusJesusland) single-handedly disproved evolution and the Big Bang, and embryology, for good measure, revealing that they are “lies straight from the pit of Hell.”

In an inexorable speech that is available in full on YouTube (but which we will mercifully summarize), Broun attributes his 2007 election to the direct intervention of the Lord Jesus Christ, shows slides of a Kodiak bear and a lion that he heroically shot, and tells a story about heroically shooting another lion in the face, explaining that “God directed that bullet, because if I’d missed, that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death.” He even tells a story about his heroic deployment to Afghanistan for 31 days earlier this year as a member of the Naval Reserve, where he saw an Afghan soldier who’d been seriously injured by an IED but survived somehow. And what those awful injuries reminded him of, said Broun, was that the Bible tells us that human beings are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Broun knows this “as a physician,” and this line from Psalm 139:14 somehow proves that evolution is fake.

But did he learn that in college, or in med school? No. He was taught that

we all came from a ‘Big Bang,’ and we were trained in all this stuff about evolution…what I was taught in college and medical school and even high school that we went ‘from Goo to Zoo to You.’ And I believed that.

Broun even admits that after a religious upringing, he became (shudder!) an atheist, presumably because evolution taught him that he was a mere animal, and he was therefore a very “self-centered, prideful, egotistical human being.” This led to three broken marriages, bad investments, and a bankruptcy, which atheists are apparently especially prone to. Then he saw one of those John 3:16 guys on TV at a football game, which changed everything. Being a “scientist and medical doctor,” Broun demanded proof of God, and prayed, “If you’re real, show me! Show me by coming into my life…” and then, he says, God changed his life and saved him that very day! We are not sure we can get behind the experimental design, and Broun doesn’t even mention a control group.

Broun then explains that scientists are engaged in a vast conspiracy to hide the truth from the American people, because they hate God:

God’s word is true. I’ve come to understand that. All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior. You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I’ve found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.

Beyond this incontrovertible proof, Broun also notes that as a legislator, he takes orders directly from God. The Bible, he says,

teaches us how to run our lives individually, how to run our families, how to run our churches. But it teaches us how to run all of public policy and everything in society. And that’s the reason as your congressman I hold the Holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C., and I’ll continue to do that.

Following the thunderous applause for this line, Broun adds that

“Our Constitution was written by men that believed that! And in fact, the Counstitution’s written on Biblical principles — in fact, the three branches of government come right from Isaiah, Isaiah 33:22, go look it up!”

So we did! “For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us.” Wow, that is probably the only time that judges, legislators, and executives have ever been mentioned together in any book ever! (A number of Christianist websites say that James Madison specifically cited this verse to the Constitutional Convention. You may be astonished to learn that there are no records of this.)

So, anyway, apparently we need to elect God for all legislative offices, and then get Him appointed to the Supreme Court. We also need to do something about those hell-spawned scientists.

Oh, also, you will be glad to know that Rep. Paul Broun, like Rep. Todd Akin, is a member of the the House Science Committee.


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. mrpuma2u

      I would say the pit of hell is listening to this jeebus freak tool bloviate in front of a bunch of dead animal trophies.

    2. Negropolis

      The Pit of Hell, you say? But, I've already been once to exurban Phoenix; isn't that punishment enough?

  1. actor212

    Broun attributes his 2007 election to the direct intervention of the Lord Jesus Christ, shows slides of a Kodiak bear and a lion that he heroically shot, and tells a story about heroically shooting another lion in the face, explaining that “God directed that bullet, because if I’d missed, that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death.”

    May I be the first to say, "Fuck you, God"

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Obviously, as a “self-centered, prideful, egotistical human being” he realized that it wouldn't be fair to the atheists to remain an atheist, so he became a “self-centered, prideful, egotistical human being" religionist, and was welcomed into the flock.

    1. tessiee

      You're almost certainly not the first to say "Fuck you, God", but I personally feel that it cannot be said enough times.

  2. emmelemm

    Rep. Paul Broun, like Rep. Todd Akin, is a member of the the House Science Committee.

    An arm of the Ministry of Truth, for sure.

      1. sudsmckenzie

        I only watch Jack on 30 Rock, and thats too much, he should just die, with or without votes.

    1. Negropolis

      I was glad that the entire cast and crew of MSNBC took this guy to task, today. They were on him like the quickness. Whatever you think of the network, they sure as hell work quickly.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      So you didn’t go for the one about the snake being the downfall of woman which led to the downfall of man?

  3. fartknocker

    I'm sure Representative Braun would enjoy the Wonkette Sunday series on religious school books from the Bob Jones University.

  4. veritass

    After I read the last line I said "oh, fuck me." It didn't work this time, but one of these times Wonkette is going to get me laid.

  5. PsycWench

    So God saved him from a lion but let hundreds of Haitian children die in the earthquake? Pretty poor priorities there, God.

      1. PhilippePetain

        You would think that a bunch of poors fucking the French would be a bonus for American God, but who's to say.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      God is not so keen on the 47% of humans he created. He has a preference for the jerb creators. They are his kind of people.

    2. JustPixelz

      God is pretty much an "I'm made of rubber, you're made of glue" kind of all-powerful being.

  6. Biel_ze_Bubba

    You have to wonder what the Constitution would look like, if the Framers had been able to foresee a Congress populated with whacked-out religious nutjobs like Broun. Would Jefferson, Madison, Franklin et al. have figured out a way to keep idiots out of office?

    1. docterry6973

      If I recall, there were forces pushing for a more theocratic government, especially in New England, not then a bastion of tolerance. That's one reason why those Deists worked so hard to write a secular constitution. Another was that the horrors of the Thirty Years War were well understood. Of course, since the religious right likes the Founding Fathers, it has grafted all kinds of secret religious motivations onto them. Typical conservative lies.

      1. actor212

        Well, too, many of the northern colonies had been founded because they had been run out of England, like the Quakers and the Puritans. They understood that religion and politics do not mix.

        Unlike us, they had attention spans back in the day.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I'm a big fan of Steven Waldman's Founding Faith, which is a very well-documented, even-handed discussion of how all that early religious grumping shaped the compromises that the Founders came up with.

          Of course, it recognizes that it was a complex situation, so it's probably sinful to read.

        2. docterry6973

          The Puritans did not seek religious freedom, they sought to establish a Puritan theocracy, which they did. The Qakers in Pennsylvania practiced tolerance, but thankfully we Keystoners got over that long ago.

        3. viennawoods13

          The Puritans had no trouble combining God and Government- their God, their Government. No dissenters need apply. Which is why they hanged them some Quakers on Boston Common. (climbs down off soapbox)

          1. MosesInvests

            Quakers to be hanged, Jews and Catholics to be whipped from the colony, according to the laws of Massachusetts Bay.

    2. C_R_Eature

      I'll bet Ben Franklin would have come up with an astounding marathon Drinking, Fornication and Pun contest.
      And it would have worked.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            If you would not be forgotten
            As soon as you are dead and rotten,
            Either write things worth reading
            Or do things worth writing.

            –Poor Richard

            I think this probably applies to ye Butt-feckfs, too.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Here's another good time to remind ourselves that this page, with
            Poor Richard's Blogge of Butt-feckfs and all the rest, will be carefully tucked away in the archives of the National Library of Congress. To confuse and startle researchers in posterity.
            Poor Richard is chortling at us from the aether, now.

          3. C_R_Eature

            "Poor Richard's Blogge of Butt-feckfs ",Fornication, and Heady Draughts of ƒtrong ƒpritƒ .

  7. actor212

    This led to three broken marriages, bad investments, and a bankruptcy,

    And yet, he's still a Republican. You'd think he'd rethink that bit too

    1. rickmaci

      If you took a look at his marriage and investment debt, my guess is you would find that his real personal redeemer is a Bankruptcy Court Judge.

      1. glasspusher

        They only do the stuff they rail about in public, so it seems he isn't into that at the moment…

    2. tessiee

      I'm pretty sure that, in order to rethink anything, you have to be able to think in the first place.

  8. Yellerdawg

    Deep down, the Rep's know that their only chance of surviving another decade is to drag us into a new dark age where no one asks questions. So Broun is an MD who thinks God does it all? Has he stopped prescribing treatment and recommended prayer for all things? Hypocrite.

      1. AbandonHope_

        It's God's plan that they die painfully, of course. God designed the killer bacteria to punish atheists or liberals or commies or gheyz or non-whites or whatever. Probably all of them, Katie.

    1. kittensdontlie

      His entire medical practice is based on house calls. How much real medical work is done at a house call. Little.

  9. coolhandnuke

    …what I was taught in college and medical school and even high school that we went ‘from Goo to Zoo to You.’ And I believed that…

    At Bourn's next speech I'm going to dress up in a gorilla costume and throw my poop at him.

    1. glasspusher

      I'll remember this "Wacky Packages" card from my childhood forever:

      Koduck: film for ducks. A foul picture every time. Koduckolor- "watch the birdie!"

        1. Indiepalin

          When I was six, my dad took me to see the Stooges on their final tour. I shook hands with Moe & Larry and luckily missed the clammy paw of Joe DeRita

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        I saw Iggy in a bar in downtown Detroit. There was no furniture in the whole bar and he rocked.

        1. Mittaplasia

          I saw him in a crumbling old hotel in St. Louis with an open bar & cheap drinks. Bartenders loved the crowd because no matter what booze they ran out of, it was no big deal.Good times!

  10. Robman2

    Intoned as Benicio Del Toro's character after they knock off Saul: "Looks like a lot of Bambi, to me. Shit", from the Usual Suspects.

  11. StillGoinGreen

    Their eyes are glassy because some fucktard shot them, then took them to another fucktard, who cut out their eyes and replaced them with glass. I am speaking about the deer, but thinking about the christians…

  12. vulpes82

    Why do I have the feeling that this guy was a “self-centered, prideful, egotistical human being" before, during, and after atheism?

    1. whatupirondog

      Duh! Atheists are totally that way!

      Incidentally, did you know that Jesus loves you and the Almighty Creator Of All Existence has a special plan for your life? I have some brochures if you want them!

  13. actor212

    “If you’re real, show me! Show me by coming into my life…” and then, he says, God changed his life and saved him that very day!

    I'd be afraid to ask how.

    I mean, I've led a very fortunate life and on at least three separate occasions I can think of, I was so lucky it seemed like someone was watching over me. But I'm pretty sure I would never attribute it to some prayer I sent up because that would be prideful, thinking God feels I'm so important that my word is His command, and if the Bible teaches us anything, pride goeth before a very very hard fall.

    I wonder if Broun realizes what he's in for?

    1. tessiee

      "prideful, thinking God feels I'm so important that my word is His command"

      Homer (praying): Oh, Lord God, please fix the plumbing in the kitchen sink. Then, take some time off for yourself.
      Marge: Homer, you can't just keep pestering Almighty God.
      Homer (childishly): Can and will.

  14. Baconzgood

    It's this kinda guy that was holding the matches when the Library of Alexandria was burning.

      1. Negropolis

        Jesus must now realize this is what you get when you find a stranger in the Alps. Bless his heart, always walking around yammering on about his father's house having many rooms. I bet he didn't think they'd all want to come over at once.

  15. LibertyLover

    Damn. We of the Vast Scientific Community let one get away? I call an Executive Meeting of Wonkette Scientists to discuss this ongoing problem. When we let one of these guys get away, they breed like wild lions. I suggest we repair to the nearest watering hole and ponder the matter while examining the effects of mass quantities of Demon Gin on the human brain.

    1. weejee

      It is frightening how many MDs toss science out-the-window after they get their license. I prefer shamans myself. Better success rate.

    2. C_R_Eature

      Eh… if he was so eager to blithely give up 4000 years of painstakingly acquired human knowledge, experience and methodology for a comforting 19th century superstitious fantasy , I say let him go.
      He was always kind of an asshole anyway.

  16. actor212

    that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death

    Say, this lion…she got a phone number?

  17. skmind

    I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old

    FUCKING Muslim!

    Everyone knows the Earth is only 6,000 years old. These OECs are what's wrong with Jesusland!

  18. Chet Kincaid_

    I do not hate myself enough to go watch that video, but the frame above strongly suggests that the deer heads at some point come to life, their ruminant teeth tearing at his clothing and their pitchfork-sharp antlers pricking his skin in scores of wounds, his screams for an absent God creating the horrible soundtrack as their leaping hooves drag him down to the depths of the very Hell he feared the most.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I saw that video in the early 80's. It's called "The Deer Hunter II; Bambi's Revenge." Stars Sylvester Stallone as a homeless Vietnam Veteran who gets stuck in a rising reservoir and beaten by a couple red necks driving a car with a Confederate Flag painted on it.

        1. James Michael Curley

          That was one of the earliest vids I downloaded after I succumbed to the applications that continuing to use an old ADM-29 monochrome monitor was some kind of educational deprivation to my child.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      One mighty cute fella and really beautiful shot. Wonkette needs to hire you as an antidote to posts like these.

    2. DerrickWildcat

      Aw shucks, thanks folks. I can look at anyone of the several thousand shots I've saved and immediately remember where I took it and the back story to it. It's just imprinted in me brain.
      True story:
      A couple of years ago I noticed that some guy from Nebraska was getting some incredible shots of a Snowy Egret. Now a Snowy Egret is scarce around these here parts and I've never got a shot of one. I contacted him through Flickr and asked him where the heck he saw that coveted bird. We struck up a conversation and agreed to meet in a little town near the Kansas border and have a friendly photo safari. Apparently the Big Blue River (which is neither Big nor Blue…more like Chocolate milk) had flooded it's banks the year before and dumped oodles of Shad, Catfish, Bullhead and Carp into an adjacent pond. This pond was essentially a vending machine for fish eating birds. American Pelicans, Snowy Egrets, Great Egrets, Great Blue Herons, Green Herons, Belted Kingfishers were all gorging on fish at this little pond. It was amazing. So anyway, my new friend looked exactly like what you would expect of a rural Eastern Nebraska Guy. Pickup, Seed corn hat, boots, plaid shirt, hoodie and blue jeans. He struck me more as a guy that would rather shoot birds than take pictures of them. I'm an outdoorsy guy too, but I'm more of a fancy Patagonia outdoorsy guy. So I asked him, what got you into taking pictures of birds?
      He said, "Years ago, I was a hunter, like pretty much everyone around here. One Morning I was out with some friends in a blind at the edge of a marsh waiting for the Sun to rise. As the Sun started coming up, everything was just Gold and Pink and still. It was absolutely Beautiful, it really made you think of the wonder of it all. The Ducks started getting up and flying and it was even more beautiful. Suddenly my buddies got up and started blasting away. I was paralyzed even though I've done this a hundred times before. But this time it really hurt me to see all this and I haven't hunted since. I'm not against hunting. I just won't do it myself. I guess I just see things differently now."
      I would have never imagined that that would have come out of him and I still think about it every time I go out.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        That is one hell of a story. Thanks!

        I know I've said this before, but I ALWAYS look forward to your comments, both the off-kilter "guy-with-a-kitten-on-his-head-persona" short ones and the longer "real you" stories about taking pictures of boids.

  19. Hammiepants

    So "Science Committee" must be some sort of euphemism for "Fucktard Fundies" then, correct?

    1. shelwood46

      The GOPs running Congress are secretly hipsters and are making all committee assignments ironically.

  20. AlterNewt

    To all those who like to say that everything is part of God's plan:

    Take a good fucking look around you.

    1. kittensdontlie

      They are hearing all and taking names, and upon their own deeRapture, will be free to avenge those who did them wrong.

  21. fawkedifiknow

    I believe this man gets his revelation directly from a hard blow to the head by a heavy object. Amen.

  22. LibertyLover

    All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior.

    Why, certainly. Especially people that suffer through three broken marriages, bad investments, and a bankruptcy…

    But here's the part I don't quite understand: If you're supposed to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, then why do you need a "savior?"

    1. mull_man

      Fun Fact: the Cambridge physicist credited with the Big Bang theory was a Catholic Priest. From Belgium.

      Later, other priests misinterpreted Big Bang, and it was gross, also, And too.

  23. Jerri

    Almost got through today without wanting to let out a long, guttural moan of despair. Thanks, Dok! TGIF, Wonkette style!

      1. bobbert

        Perhaps we should start grading Friday posts in laynes. I'd give this one about 400 millilaynes.

  24. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    "Lies straight from the pit of Hell" seem to describe this guy pretty well, actually.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

  25. KeepFnThatChicken

    Oh, also, you will be glad to know that Rep. Paul Broun, like Rep. Todd Akin, is a member of the the House Science Committee.

    I wish legislation could be peer-reviewed.

    1. Troubledog

      Bachmann's on the intelligence committee. I think there's a rule to assign each congressman to the least suitable task.

  26. C_R_Eature

    About time, Dok. We're only posted this very same articleThree Times over at Wonkville today!

          1. C_R_Eature

            There's an appalling story out there of a man that suffered severe rectal trauma from an ill-considered Encounter of the Porcine Kind.

            I'm not looking for it now. I saw Ann Coulter on Washington Journal this morning and that's enough disturbing imagery for one day.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I actually stumbled across it myself, but yes, thank you for the reminder to keep up to date with the Wonkville.

      Also, something something Double Helix the Cat

      1. C_R_Eature

        I think that article's contents simultaneously offended everyone across Wonksphere who saw it.

        Synchronicity, or something like it.

  27. GlowneyHouse

    I get this all the time from the SC fundies about the government was formed on "biblical principles." I remind them that Isiah puts all the power in the control of one entity: therefore they should read it as “For Obama is our judge, Obama is our lawgiver ,Obama is our king; it is he who will save us." Basically, a dictatorship.

    But they should be fine with that anyway. Jesus didn't claim he had returned to establish his Father's "Constitutional Democracy" or "Bicameral Republic."

          1. Radiotherapy

            One of my life's greatest accomplishments was the fact that my very first rock concert was Frank Zappa, with Manfred Mann opening, at Cleveland Auditorium, circa 1974.

          2. C_R_Eature

            That's something to cherish, right there.

            First time I saw Frank was at the then- Garden State Arts Center. The band came on up, he walked onstage, up to the mic and said "Hey. In case you haven't figured it out yet, we ARE the Opening Act. So get your asses in here!" Everyone did.
            Then they ripped into an outstanding Zoot Alours.

  28. AlterNewt

    I have come to the inevitable conclusion that 'secular nation' does not mean what I always thought it meant.

    1. PhilippePetain

      I would like to mention that someone actually singed as Doktor Zoom. If it really was said Wonketteer, you, sir, are my hero.

  29. James Michael Curley

    That clip is Mitt Romney's version of the Sesame Street Classic, "One of these things is not like the other … "

  30. Gleem McShineys

    God, who one time was said to have written down "THOU SHALT NOT KILL" into some stones, recently took time out from chiseling the new asterisk after it and a long wordy exception paragraph about which creatures were not covered by this decree, to direct a bullet into the face of a magnificent lion.

  31. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "Oh, also, you will be glad to know that Rep. Paul Broun, like Rep. Todd Akin, is a member of the the House Science Committee."

    Oh deer god.

  32. AlaskaGrrl

    Remember when people like Broun was that wild eyed crazy ranting on a street corner, that you mother would admonish you from making fun of, because "There but for the grace of God go you and I"?

  33. Mittaplasia

    Enough with the bath salts in the drinking water, already; Calgon, take me away from this madness!

  34. owhatever

    The devil replied in an e-mail from the pit of hell. "Broun–God says he doesn't love you because you broke your marriage vows too many times. He traded you to me for a box of warm brimstone. Your private BBQ awaits, Bubba."

    1. Jukesgrrl

      You know that thing about atheists and foxholes … well, that thought of yours is enough to send me into sincere prayer to a god I don't even believe in.

  35. LibrarianX

    suddenly concerned that my atheist lifestyle will only lead to doom. Or football inspired faith – or both.

  36. Dashboard Buddha

    "Bible tells us that human beings are “fearfully and wonderfully made."

    Meanwhile Yossarian learned Snowden's secret.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      It was a terrible secret.

      (I was so blown away when I found out that Heller was borrowing from Hamlet with that "ripeness is all" stuff…)

      1. Negropolis

        Well, this is the state that gave us Deliverance, so I imagine the Rod of Correction would be used quite liberally by Broun.

  37. TootsStansbury

    So I heard somewhere that when Ronald Reagan closed down all of those mental institutions, he actually had a plan that some of the intended inhabitants would be elected to public office! It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    1. C_R_Eature

      …Ronald Reagan closed down all of those mental institutions, he actually had a plan that some Most of the intended inhabitants would be elected as Republicans to public office."

      It was the Republican Farm Team! Now that's taking the Long View.

  38. pdiddycornchips

    “God directed that bullet, because if I’d missed, that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death.”

    God choose poorly.

  39. toughsister

    No wonder the United States is the laughingstock of Europe with idiots like Broun in positions of power. And "Fuck Europe" can only go so far.

  40. Guppy

    I'm so glad that men who disbelieve bacteria evolve a resistance to penicillin can still get a medical license.

    I'd sooner get medical advice from Jenny McCarthy.

  41. Blueb4sinrise

    DAMN. I hope I didn't miss all the Friday upfisting!!! I'd better type something clever and Wonkpropriate………errrrrrrr………ummmmmmmm………


  42. johnnyzhivago

    Neutron Jack on Hardball….

    My two favorite jobs of all time were ruined by Jack Welch when he bought RCA and Hurricane Carly Fiorina when she saved HP from itself.

    Could this be why I hate Mitt Romney?

  43. Typodong3

    I dont understand whats so wrong with believing in evolution guided and shaped by the divine? Why does it have to be a soulless, spiritless wasteland of random molecules on one hand, and some magic hocus pocus on the other? Whats wrong with a beautiful, happy medium?

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      If I'm not mistaken, that is the Catholic Church's position, as well as that of many reasonable Protestant denominations. In other words, the fiery, sulfurous mendacity flowing from the thousand burning teats of Beelzebub Himself!!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        You'll be astonished to know that elsewhere in the speech, Broun says that members of these sects (those that think that "sprinkling some water on an infant" is a real Baptism) are headed straight to Hell, too.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          It is such a blessing to have witnessed them forming a plan in the '80s, and seeing it come to fruition in the fullness of time (installing a Theocracy in the United States that even a Blow Job Queen like Sally Quinn would defend)! Alongside Grover Norquist's genius as a long-range planner of Anti-Tax Tyranny, I would have to say that Liberals pretty much suck at coming up with a plan to create the kind of country they want to live in.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Because that would make the Book of Genesis an allegory, not Literal Historical Fact, which most Christians don't have a problem with at all, but which quite a few are certain would Destroy Faith.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        I tell you, midway through college when I finally got to some books that explained that fundamentalist literalism was not the only, or even the dominant version of Christianity, my mind was kind of blown. To get out of that dualism of my upbringing where there was only science or literally-true Scripture, was really liberating. Still didn't feel much like being a Christian, but I didn't necessarily have to feel like an anti-Christian all the time.

    3. LibertyLover

      I prefer Einstein's thoughts on the matter:

      There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

      But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people; first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy.

      A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.

      A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.

      Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

      Only a life lived for others is worth living.

      –Albert Einstein

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Albert Einstein never accepted Jesus as his personal savior, so Albert Einstein burns in Hell.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            I dunno, according to Kilgore Trout's "Asleep at the Switch," Einstein has a beef with God, or at least with the angelic middle-managers running things Up There.

        1. LibertyLover

          No, I am sure that Einstein is on Kolob, having been baptized after death by the Mormons.

    4. SayItWithWookies

      So which part of evolution requires a god to explain it? Which part of math, physics, plate tectonics, podiatry, animal husbandry, or telemetry, for that matter, require god to explain them?

      We don't inject god into such things because then we don't have, for example, physics — we have physics plus faith. Evolution plus god isn't evolution — it's evolution plus god. Do we say that two plus two equals four except if god wills it otherwise? No, of course not — because the addition of a factor that can change anything at any time naturally diminishes consistency, and scientific analysis would be completely impossible under such circumstances.

      The fact that we have a universe that acts in comprehensible, ascertainable, understandable ways means we don't require god for science. And that our scientific understanding is, in fact, much clearer without god.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Doctors and engineers — some of them are the best-educated stupid people you will ever meet. I don't know how so many of them can miss out on critical thinking in college, but somehow they do.

          I must say though, I like his use of the "missing mass" problem, oblivious of how it works against him. When cosmologists noticed the missing mass it was because certain observations didn't correlate with other observations, and have sought out evidence-based explanations to reconcile the two — they did not, as a theist might, decide that the missing mass wanted science to come to it through faith rather than evidence.

          Oh, and science is actually on its way to accounting for the missing mass, after a few decades of searching. Religion, on the other hand, is still making excuses for the missing deity some four thousand years after we noticed it was gone.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Sounds to me like you've been missing Mass, son.

            (Actually, one of my proudest edits to anything on the Internet is still up. the original question was something boring like "Protestants have services or meetings, but not Mass.")

      1. Typodong3

        It is not that evolution REQUIRES a God to explain it. The very scientific foundations of evolution require that endless combining of genes shaped by environmental and behavioral factors over enormous periods of time. Rather, it is that having a God involved in that very same long term process is a wonderful way to explain and celebrate the sheer beauty and spirituality of mankind, and is a fantastic counterpoint to the all or nothing of the rigid scientific or pure religious views. In any case, to me, there is no magic, there are no miracles, there is only science that we dont understand yet… which opens up a lot of possibilities.

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        Science doesn't "understand" everything, and is always a work in progress. Out at the edges of scientific knowledge, some things are fundamentally unpredictable, are they not? The biggest human problem is acknowledging and living with the things that are not-yet-knowable or unknowable, without turning science into religion or religion into science.

    5. Negropolis

      Whats wrong with a beautiful, happy medium?

      And I ask you, what's wrong with the beautiful, observable, and measurable truth?

      Non-literalist Christians when it comes to the beginning of the universe are definitely preferable to the literalists, but we're talking better in the sense of degree, not magnitude.

      1. Typodong3

        Ahh and that's the rub, isn't it? Is the main problem with God, that hes not measurable with our current scientific tools? And is that a problem with God, or us?

        1. Negropolis

          If God is measurable, it's simply a part of the universe, and not supernatural, at all. And, that is most certainly a problem with a so-called God and not us, which is an odd and moral way to try and frame it, BTW.

          I'm not going to go further into apologetics, with you. It's a ridiculous discussion that I'm very familiar with.

          1. Typodong3

            No need to get nasty with me. I thought it was an interesting conversation, I enjoy differing viewpoints. Im sorry you feel so threatened! One last thing, however. God, in my mind, IS us. We are God, God is us, we are inseperable and eternal. Thus, any discussion of one, is about both. We are, in truth, One. Have a nice day!

    6. DahBoner

      This guy should learn about String Theory. Basically, our universe was created by another Universe fucking us…

      1. Doktor Zoom

        That would really explain a lot.

        I for one would go for coffee every week at the Church Of We're Fucked.

  44. Naked_Bunny

    Nothing says "modesty" like claiming that your pal, the omnipotent creator of the universe, personally got you a job.

  45. Radiotherapy

    Unsurprisingly, when asked today if he supported the extinction of Big Bird, he said, "I would heroically shoot the wild animal in the face. Otherwise it could end up in the back of the truck and peck me to death!"

  46. chascates

    Uh, embryos are actually things that exist. There are animal and plant embryos. ALL OF US WERE ONCE EMBRYOS!!!!!!

    I hope he was one of those doctors who went into the financial aspect of it and never were personally responsible for human lives.

    1. Radiotherapy

      From his Wiki page it says he was a "house call" doctor. Whatever the fuck that is. I'm thinking the old joke here chas:
      What do you call the dumbest person in a medical school (and a bottom tier one for that matter) class?

        1. Radiotherapy

          Go to the ER….its free!
          BTW, the answer to the above question is definitely not ER docs. They is quite competitive as a speciality.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Those ER Docs (and Nurses) must have nerves of steel and serious adrenalin kicks. I'll bet it's a young persons game and they age out quick too.
            While they're on they are probably awesome.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Roger that compadre'. Me Also too.

            We have been enjoying a High Smart&Funny Pressure system today. Continued cool and clear expected through this evening, warming and continued clear till 10 or so EDT, where we will be expected to endure scattered Squalls and Dunderstorms until early afternoon.

            Here's a Tasty Bit for you before bedtime. A thing that I just found which I didn't know and surprised me.

          3. Radiotherapy

            The weather in these parts, in the backwoods, is usually clear this time of year. We sure could use a little trouble though. I miss the scurf and musica obscura.
            I find it easier to learn. It takes time to tango.
            I always liked that Neil Young — newly sober BTW — always had and used Hank William's Martin.

          4. Jukesgrrl

            Same with ICU docs and nurses. Some of the most dedicated and caring people I've met, spending my fair share of days sitting beside people hooked up to breathing tubes. Perhaps not as stressful as ER hour-by-hour, but it must have its moments. I don't think any of them go into politics.

          5. C_R_Eature

            I can tell you that the ICU Doctor and Nurse that talked me through my Loss, several years ago, worked desperately and frantically to prevent it and were wholly devastated when they could not. Yet they took the time with me that I needed to talk and help me through the shock and to decide what needed to be done. I'll always remember how kind they were and how personally destructive losing someone in their care must have been to them.
            ICU staff face this possibility every day, with many of the patients they care for. It must take a toll on them.

          6. Radiotherapy

            The main reason I hate Palin more than anything is her rhetorical terrorism about the Death Panels. By her introducing this corrosive lie into the discourse it poisoned many a end-of-life discussions with family. Whether in the ER or ICU or even in a doctor's office the "lie of the year" can make these inevitable, important conversations much more difficult. Fucking tundra cunt. BTW, it was the first thing she did after she quit.

            Its actually a very good Wiki page.

          7. C_R_Eature

            This is way up there on my Hate-o-Meter too.
            I hated Palin from the minute she opened her mouth at the Republican Convention in 2008 and she's done absolutely nothing to redeem herself since then.

          8. Doktor Zoom

            This. My first wife was severely head-injured in 1987 and spent weeks in a coma; before the accident, she was a nursing student, so I was predisposed to think well of the nursing staff, and they were absolutely incredible. (This was at Tucson's University Medical Center, where Gabby Giffords was initially in ER/ICU years later). Just top-notch people. The neurologist was one of those docs who came off as thoroughly arrogant, but in a way that is actually reassuring, because you could tell he had every reason to be sure he was right. It was a hellish time, but I never had any doubt that she was in excellent hands.

          9. C_R_Eature

            That's a good story.

            There's nothing worse than getting a phone call at 4 o'clock on Sunday morning from the ICU, but there's few things more reassuring than having a team of trained, dedicated professionals on your side.

          10. Jukesgrrl

            Same with me, too.When my Dad died, several of the ICU nurses who had cared for him sought out our family and they really did seem devastated that they hadn't saved Dad.Personally, I never thought it was possible.His strokes had been unsurvivable with his other health problems.But, damn, they tried and he hung in for a long time.And I'll remember their kindness always.I'm sorry for your loss.I never fail to enjoy your posts here.

          11. C_R_Eature

            Thank you. A little over three years on and it's almost impossible for me to talk about. I only bring it up here to illustrate this important point and give some recognition to the professionals who work on the front lines of life and death.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, I assume that the slam at embryology is shorthand for the creationist meme that Ernst Haekel's embryo drawings are still actually used as evidence for evolution (they aren't, of course). It's one of those things that they simply will not give up, like the notion that the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics proves that evolution is impossible.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Why give up a good trick when it keeps working on the rubes?

        Now, the people trying to manipulate genetics to reverse-engineer Wooly Mammoths from elephants or Dinosaurs from Chickens might give Creationists pause. Or at least require some fancy mental footwork.

        1. Radiotherapy

          the recapitulation story, i.e. Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny.
          As interesting as the Rosalind Franklin story from a scientific history standpoint.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            And as the Creos fail to acknowledge, when Haekel's embryo drawings do turn up in modern textbooks, they're used as historical examples of how evolutionary theory developed, not as the current state of research.

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        So, from reading this link and other stuff you guys have posted, the old "ontology recapitulates phylogeny" thing is long-dead, but embryology still reflects evolution through the activation of particular switches at particular times in the development of the embryo? (I do not have a scientific background, but as I've mentioned, I have followed these issues as a layman as a result of my religious upbringing.)

  47. chascates

    AND GOD DAMN IT I'm watching the end of PBS Newshour and they're running their weekly photo slide of the recent deaths in Afghanistan. Tonight was 9 with 1 woman. Mostly mid-20s but their almost twice weekly list of deaths include 18-55+.

    This bible-bleating, flat-earther is exactly the type of dangerous lunatic who wants to get us all into a great battle against the heathens. It would be great if he and his gang would crusade against Satan's Muslims but only if they fought them personally, with only things available during the last period of crusades, and do the entire battle in the most remote, unpopulated place available. The Moon would be great.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, sure, he claims it was "an expanding gas," but it was clearly a small demon being defeated by angels.

  48. dennis1943

    If these folks prevail,the the discussion will revolve around "how many angels can fit on the head of a pin"………..does this mean we can use the perjorative "pinhead"….?

  49. Negropolis

    Can I just say that even as someone from a state where hunting is damn-near a religion, and where schools in the northern part of the state actually close down on the opening day of deer season, that the background in the picture above freaks me the hell out?

  50. LACorvus

    So does this mean I have to update my CV to read that I earned a Bachelor of Lies from the Pit of Hell?

  51. Terry

    "All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell."

    Sounds like sour grapes. I think he's stilled pissed off over his grades.

  52. chascates

    Well, I'll jump in and suggest math was created by the Cloven Hoofed One or at least it is for me. 0-9 AND letters in the alphabet? Weirdo symbols.

  53. C_R_Eature

    I've come to realize that Paul Broun must have been the asshole who ran off the walkway and stepped on the butterfly in that time traveling Dinosaur Hunting expedition.

    There's no other way to explain what the Republican party has been transmogrified into.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I like the bumper sticker that says "God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I ate him"

  54. Native_of_SL_UT

    I don't hold many religious doctrines, but one I hold dear is that I believe God would not approve of a hot piece of lead that flies faster than the speed of sound being used to kill one of his creatures.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      My brother-in-law used to brag about how he could pick off a deer from from his blind from a 1/4 mile away (I call bullshit, btw).

      All I could think of is "where's the fucking sport in that?". While you're at it, why don't you just call in an airstrike to soften the area up first??

  55. glamourdammerung

    If only he cared this much about the Commandments of his alleged faith. Particularly the one about bearing false witness.

  56. Doktor Zoom

    OT: I have stumbled across an older Jon McNaughton painting, "Via Dolorosa," which shows Jebus carrying the cross, surrounded by historical figures.

    It is batshit crazy, of course.

    In the explanatory essay below the painting, McNaughton states, "Today, Christians are the most persecuted people in the entire world."

    This one includes a lot of figures from the arts, giving McNaughton the chance to disgust you with his proclamations about them, too. Bastard says Mark Twain was a faithful Presbyterian!

    EDIT: McNaughton includes himself in the crowd. See if you can find him! (Still no Waldo, sadly).

    1. el_donaldo

      I think McNaughton got Christianity totally right in this one. The guy in the center in the blue suit who McNaughton labels "Modern Christian" is also a Wall Street commodities trader trying to secure the top bid (see the hand signal?) for the broadcast rights for Jesus' execution.

    2. AlterNewt

      In the McNaughton painting, Pope John Paul II is doing the Joe Scarborough "Oh, sweet Jesus" thing.

    3. ElPinche

      The fuck? I don't see a Kardashian or a Jenner!

      I'm surprised McNutzNutz didn't paint Obama hugging Ahmadinejad or Castro.

    4. viennawoods13

      What I notice is how slowly the detailed descriptions scroll moves down- which just proves that if you have to move your lips when you read, you read very very slowly.

      Heh. "Christmas and Easter supposedly had roots in Paganism." News flash, buddy: they did.

    5. cheetojeebus

      This painting reminds me of a little episode from my youth. While pursuing my Undergrad fine art degree, there was a small coterie of devout xtians led by a young charismatic leader that made their presence known around the school. They were a group of about 5 maybe 6 kids. Their leader was a technically gifted kid who would sit in Life Drawing with his back to the nude model drawing tiny little silver point praying hands and such. They were well drawn but not what the professor (drunk most days and quite dramatically gay) required. The little preacher was quiet but had a very arrogant manner which was maddening. Anyway, schadenfreude arrived about 4 or 5 months into the semester when one of his young acolytes turned up pregnant out of wedlock. If I remember correctly his little band dispersed soon after? I don't have any memories of his presence the following year. While I didn't believe in much even then, I did have a strong aversion as now to hypocrisy. This Mcnaughton fellow seems to have followed a similar trajectory.

  57. Negropolis

    lies straight from the pit of Hell

    This sounded better in Broun's native German.

    This must be in their manual, or something, because this particular phrase comes up a lot in Christianist talking points and arguments.

  58. MissNancyPriss

    I read too fast and thought this was some random loon. Then I saw it was an elected offical.

  59. Negropolis

    "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's"

    This was Jesus speaking, but what the hell did he know, right? I mean, he was only the entity around which the entire faith was built, that's all.

  60. mille derps

    Stephen K. Simpson is supposedly running against this chump, but his campaign web page expired a couple of days ago & he doesn't have an ActBlue page…

    1. Simple J Malarkey

      "Stephen K. Simpson is supposedly running"

      What does his LinkedIn profile say? Maybe he's too busy coaching girls high school tennis.

  61. labman57

    Well, the GOP placed Bachmann on the House Intelligence Committee, so …

    Just another one of many reality-challenged politicians and pundits who have embraced ignorance of the modern world and a distrust of the well-educated.

    For we certainly don't want our national leaders to be eloquent, scientifically literate, and generally well-informed about the world in which we live. Much better to derive scientific theories based on the cherry-picked passages taken from the Bible and to form national public policy based on the rumors, gossip, and unverified anecdotal accounts taken from online blogs.

  62. Negropolis

    OT: An ad on my Wonkette page is imploring me to "Help Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan." I'll help them, all right; I'll help them right out of the door…with votes, honest-to-goodness printed ballots called votes.

    It then teases "Lean more about early voting." Well, the only thing I need to know about early voting I learned from Barack Obama.

  63. menopausemafia

    "All men are rapists and that's all they are" — Marilyn French, Authoress; (later, advisoress to Al Gore's Presidential Campaign.)

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yay! Our troll is back! Thanks for a completely off-topic quote from 1977! And as a special treat, you're quoting a fictional character in a novel, not a direct statement of the author herself! Or rather, "authoress." You are so very special. I'm sure the commentresses here at Wonkette would love to have an exchange of views with you, you brave soul.

      Incidentally, do you have anything to say about Rep. Broun's utter rejection of science, which is from last month, not 35 years ago?

      Please come back Sunday; we'd love to have you join our discussion of Christian textbooks, if you can try to actually comment on the article.

  64. menopausemafia

    "I feel that 'man-hating' is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them." — Robin Morgan, Ms. Magazine Editor.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yay! Our troll is back! Thanks for a completely off-topic quote from 1974! That certainly is a valuable contribution! Do you have anything to say about Rep. Broun's utter rejection of science, which is from last month, not 38 years ago?

      Please come back Sunday; we'd love to have you join our discussion of Christian textbooks, if you can try to actually comment on the article.

  65. tessiee

    "tells a story about heroically shooting another lion in the face, explaining that “God directed that bullet, because if I’d missed, that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death.”"

    That was "Jurassic Park", moron. We've all seen it.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Alternate theory: Just before the lion was to grab its meal it saw who it was and said, "Fuck! If I eat that stupid asshole I'll get terminal indigestion for sure. Might as well die a quick death." (As an atheist I have to leave god out of the story…)

  66. ShuCityRefugee

    The Almighty was thoughtful enough to delay delivering The Word until Mr. Broun had passed all of his examinations in college and medical school. Having accomplished that, he was ready to repudiate all that science stuff he'd learned.

  67. 1951paris

    Email to the House Committee on Science Space and Technology

    Dear House Members,

    First W. Todd Akin and now Paul Broun… will obscurantist wonders never cease.

    Considering that, at least two of your members would not know science from a ravioli, I suggest that your committee either renames itself The Committee on Ectoplasms Rapture and Shiny Things or show the dullards among you the exit door.

    Akin and Broun are certainly free to express their opinions, however philistine they may be, but they are not entitled to sit on a Committee dealing with a subject completely alien to them.


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