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Surprisingly, NOT a still from a David Lynch dream sequenceSpeaking in front of a wall of glassy-eyed dead deer to an audience of glassy-eyed Christians at last month’s 2012 Sportsman’s Banquet at Hartwell, GA’s Liberty Baptist Church, serial Obama-speech-boycotter Rep. Paul Broun (R-JesusJesusJesusland) single-handedly disproved evolution and the Big Bang, and embryology, for good measure, revealing that they are “lies straight from the pit of Hell.”

In an inexorable speech that is available in full on YouTube (but which we will mercifully summarize), Broun attributes his 2007 election to the direct intervention of the Lord Jesus Christ, shows slides of a Kodiak bear and a lion that he heroically shot, and tells a story about heroically shooting another lion in the face, explaining that “God directed that bullet, because if I’d missed, that lion would have been in the back of the truck with me and I’d have been clawed to death.” He even tells a story about his heroic deployment to Afghanistan for 31 days earlier this year as a member of the Naval Reserve, where he saw an Afghan soldier who’d been seriously injured by an IED but survived somehow. And what those awful injuries reminded him of, said Broun, was that the Bible tells us that human beings are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Broun knows this “as a physician,” and this line from Psalm 139:14 somehow proves that evolution is fake.

But did he learn that in college, or in med school? No. He was taught that

we all came from a ‘Big Bang,’ and we were trained in all this stuff about evolution…what I was taught in college and medical school and even high school that we went ‘from Goo to Zoo to You.’ And I believed that.

Broun even admits that after a religious upringing, he became (shudder!) an atheist, presumably because evolution taught him that he was a mere animal, and he was therefore a very “self-centered, prideful, egotistical human being.” This led to three broken marriages, bad investments, and a bankruptcy, which atheists are apparently especially prone to. Then he saw one of those John 3:16 guys on TV at a football game, which changed everything. Being a “scientist and medical doctor,” Broun demanded proof of God, and prayed, “If you’re real, show me! Show me by coming into my life…” and then, he says, God changed his life and saved him that very day! We are not sure we can get behind the experimental design, and Broun doesn’t even mention a control group.

Broun then explains that scientists are engaged in a vast conspiracy to hide the truth from the American people, because they hate God:

God’s word is true. I’ve come to understand that. All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior. You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I’ve found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.

Beyond this incontrovertible proof, Broun also notes that as a legislator, he takes orders directly from God. The Bible, he says,

teaches us how to run our lives individually, how to run our families, how to run our churches. But it teaches us how to run all of public policy and everything in society. And that’s the reason as your congressman I hold the Holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C., and I’ll continue to do that.

Following the thunderous applause for this line, Broun adds that

“Our Constitution was written by men that believed that! And in fact, the Counstitution’s written on Biblical principles — in fact, the three branches of government come right from Isaiah, Isaiah 33:22, go look it up!”

So we did! “For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us.” Wow, that is probably the only time that judges, legislators, and executives have ever been mentioned together in any book ever! (A number of Christianist websites say that James Madison specifically cited this verse to the Constitutional Convention. You may be astonished to learn that there are no records of this.)

So, anyway, apparently we need to elect God for all legislative offices, and then get Him appointed to the Supreme Court. We also need to do something about those hell-spawned scientists.

Oh, also, you will be glad to know that Rep. Paul Broun, like Rep. Todd Akin, is a member of the the House Science Committee.

[TPM]

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