wnd fanfic

America’s most credible journalist, Jerome Corsi, has a new installment out in his series on how a young, homosexual Barack Obama got ahead in Chicago politics. This piece focuses on his arranged marriage to Michelle Obama, who, Corsi strongly implies, is also black. For example, Michelle has been known to use secret black code language:

[Jesse] Jackson’s daughter, Santita, is still one of Michelle’s best friends. Santita and Jesse Jr. call her “sis,” short for “sister.”

There’s also the subject of her, um, work habits:

“She sat at a desk and read the newspaper all day,” [Corsi secret anonymous source] Robyn said. “Sometimes she read romance novel paperbacks. No one could say anything to her because she was a ‘Jesse hire.’ This meant if anyone did complain about her not working that Jesse Jackson would get mad at Daley over that, and there would be trouble.”

Not that accusing a black woman of being lazy has any racist undertones! Or overtones! Or makes every dog in a 20-mile radius bark like they’re at a mailman convention.

Using his carefully cultivated sources from Jeremiah Wright’s church, Corsi goes on to accuse Michelle and Barack Obama of using political connections to get ahead in politics:

Robyn said Michelle was “essentially treated like she was Jesse’s daughter, and Michelle’s connections in Chicago were a key to Obama’s rise to power.”

Their shameless use of friendship to rise the ladder of power stands in stark contrast to the gutter-born Mitt Romney, who used only his love of freedom to bootstrap himself from street urchin to the halls of power.

At the root of the story is the conspiracy by Jesse Jackson to elect an African-American president which for some reason is a terrible thing for someone who dedicated his life to the advancement of African-Americans to do. The story, according to Corsi and his well-placed and probably made-up sources, is that because Jesse Jackson Jr. was known to have mental and drug problems, his father was forced to select another protege to take a run at the White House. So he chose a homosexual with a faked birth certificate, and forced him to marry the laziest woman in Chicago.

“I remember being at this function at Reverend Wright’s house, one of the many parties Wright had, in 1996,” [rock-solid source] Hazel recalled.

“I went to the room where all the coats were on the bed, because I wanted to leave. I was surprised to find the light in the room was off and the coats were on the floor,” she said. “Then I realized there were two men hugging and kissing in there. One of those men was Obama. This was long before anybody knew Obama, before he became famous like he is today.”

Naturally, this plan worked perfectly.


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  • ThankYouJeebus

    This isn't a dog whistle, it's a dog siren!
    ~Tucker Carlson

  • SorosBot

    We can thank Ronald Reagan and his closing of the mental institutions for Corsi continuing to infest America.

  • [rock-solid source] Hazel recalled.

    The maid?

    • Generation[redacted]

      "So I says to Hazel, I says…"

    • That's right, Mr. B[arack].

  • Goonemeritus

    I agree, all Presidents should be self-made men like G.W Bush.

    • Geminisunmars

      And G.H.W. too.

    • Esteev

      Or *fingers crossed* Mitt Romney!!

  • le petit mort

    "Hope and change" and "Keep hope alive!" They use the same word so…

  • StillGoinGreen

    I am also too a closet homosectual, married to the laziest woman at her workplace…WHERE"S MY FUCKING PRESIDENCY THINGY???!!!1!1!

    • IncenseDebate

      It's a really good gig if you can get it.

      • StillGoinGreen

        I forgot to mention that I am a foreign, black, fetus killing, Mexican loving welfare recipient who HATES the constitution. Did I miss anything?

        • IncenseDebate


          • StillGoinGreen


        • DCBloom

          Atheist…. or Muslim. Your choice

          • THEIR TEH SAME THING!1!1

          • DCBloom

            Right? Tomato, Tomatoh

          • StillGoinGreen

            Or, as Prick Perry says, "Mater, Mater".

        • bobbert

          Let me buy you a virtual drink.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey, I'm a closet heterosexual, married to some woman chases my ass around all day long to do this don't do that, has to pick up after me and the great nephew – WHERE'S MY FUCKING PRESIDENCY THING?????!!!1!1! There's no justice, no matter how you look at it!….

  • Pragmatist2

    Here's the real shocker!!!!
    The man in bed with Obama? Jerome Corsi. I was there. I know.

    • I also heard that Jerome Corsi is gay.

      • I have more respect for teh Ghayez and can't believe they would even hate fuck him.

      • I read it on the Internet so it must be true.

    • Sacanagem

      I wouldn't fuck Jerome Corsi with your dick. Like the kids say.

    • GhostBuggy

      Why won't Corsi deny these allegations? What's he hiding?

    • bobbert


    • HempDogbane

      "Coats on the floor" is code, right? Were they lowdown on the floor?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Worst. 50 Shades of Grey. Chapter. EVER.

    • BornInATrailer

      It would probably be like 47 shades or something because, you know.. :lazy:

  • Roy Hobbson

    I remain skeptical. I mean, real gays would NEVER dump coats on the dirty floor.

  • arduinohacker

    Uh, Hazel, perhaps you should know, gay guys do not need a coat-free bed to do a "special snuggle". have your husband explain it to you.

    BTW Hazel the Maid was like 45 and no sign of a hubby, hmmmmmm….

    • Yellerdawg

      Yeah, poor Hazel would go to the butcher shop and say, "I need a big wiener!" and Old Sam would just hand her a hot dog. Sam was a simple, simple man.

    • And recognized an obscure law professor a year before he even ran for local office. In a pitch black room.

      • widestanceromance

        Coming from the dark continent, the blahs have special abilities to see in the dark, you know.

      • But, y'know, all those law professors DO look alike….

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m getting pretty weary of being a white man in a black man’s world.

    • Baconzgood

      I know, it's so opressive that taxis stop for me.

      • "Hey, cabbie, GET LOST! It's like a guy can't even wave to a friend anymore!"

    • When will we rise up and throw off our chains of access to education and higher paying jobs!

      • Gleem McShineys

        Elect Mitt Romney and we can finally be free of this sort of oppression!

    • Geminisunmars

      At least you get non-lazy wives.

      • Goonemeritus

        Yes but with poorly endowed butts.

        • I like man butts and I cannot lie…and so the topic comes full circle.

    • Advn2rgirl
      • PugglesRule

        But not as much as Miffed would feel for this guy. Good golly, what a horrible problem.

    • Esteev

      Luckily, my town is still really white. Unless I need some _ _ _ _.

    • I know, right? I mean, it's champagne this and caviar that all the time. Sometimes, I just wish I could relax with a fo'ty and a blunt on the stoop with my homies, being hassled by the cops and ducking bullets.

    • mayor_quimby

      Well, it IS a black mans world now, I haven't paid for shit in 4 years!
      And I can't keep these white chicks from breaking down my door. Well, that last part is not new..

    • bobbert

      I'm getting pretty weary of sharing a world with Jerome Corsi.

  • gullywompr

    Corsi is Unfit To Publish.

    • Toomush_Infer

      um, gullywompr?…snark?….I'm not seeing any here….

      • gullywompr

        The snark is perhaps obscured by the mists of time – it's a line I stole from Lawrence O'Donnell who used it in 2004 to describe Corsi's authorship of Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out against John Kerry.

  • Callyson

    Does this mean Jesse Jackson made up the unemployment figures, also, too?

    • IncenseDebate

      He's been in hiding cooking up the BLS figures and all the poll numbers.

    • Who do you think convinced all those people to quit their jobs at the end of Bush's terms just so they can go back to work now and make Obama look good?

      • IncenseDebate

        It's all the lazy wives.

  • hagajim

    What? someone might have used connections to get politically ahead? What kind of stupid poo is this? Everyone uses their connections to advance their careers in politics. Part of the game dummy. The rest is mindless drivel though.

  • pdiddycornchips

    If Dr. Corsi's imaginary maid Hazel says he's gay that's good enough for me.

  • mull_man

    This can't be true. Having lived in Chicago for a number of years, I know that two men – of any skin tone – in a dark room full of coats would be too busy rifling through all the pockets to get lovey-dovey.

  • CommieDad

    Wait, Obama is gay? I'm straight but I'd hit that… with votes.

  • Tequila Mockingbird


    That's the sound of Jerome Corsi gnawing on his own small intestine.

    • sullivanst

      So having inspected his navel, he came to the conclusion that it looked tasty?

    • I assumed his intestines, for the sake of the universe, would rise up and strangle him.

    • Toomush_Infer

      What level of the inferno is that, again?…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    “How Creepy, but completely believable.”
    From the WND comment section.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Wow. That comment section is a cornucopia of crazy muthafuckin insanity mixed with just the right amount of foaming-at-the-mouth racism. Well played, WND. Well played indeed!

      • I'm fairly convinced that the WND is just a house organ (heh!) for the Weekly World News.

    • BornInATrailer

      The comments are so awesome on WND. There was even one for this story alluding to Obama murdering Breitbart.

      • Esteev

        It would've be irresponsible to keep Breitbart alive.

        With votes…?

    • PugglesRule

      Truthy is as truthy does.

  • There is no way that Michelle Obamer will ever beat Peggy Bundy as the laziest housewife in Chicago. I'll bet an MVP trophy for scoring "Four Touchdowns In A Single Game" and a shoe horn from Gary's Shoes and Accessories on that.

    • DCBloom

      Have you seen Sons of Anarchy? Peggy is Gemma now and kicks ass.

  • sbj1964

    Republicans hate gays because they think everyone should be fucking the American people.That's how God want's it.

  • punkneverdies

    What does John Rocker think ?

    • Baconzgood

      This is a win!

    • Esteev


  • Blueb4sinrise

    Coats on the floor

    Cool. we have a whole new euphemism structure.

    • el_donaldo

      And where are the panties?

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Ooooooo. that's right. Panties on the bench.

      • Mittaplasia

        In the judge's sniffing room?

    • elviouslyqueer

      "Coats on the floor" is the new Pants on the ground, amirite?

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Write it!!!!

  • Come here a minute

    Didn't Hazel mention that Michelle Obama was also in the room? Michelle was sleeping, because lazy.

  • SexySmurf

    “She sat at a desk and read the newspaper all day,” [Corsi secret anonymous source] Robyn said.

    Robyn then added: "Hit the gong-gong. Bring the sumos on. I'm 'a kick ass all the way to Hong Kong. Make the balls bounce like a game of ping-pong. Konichiwa bitches from Beijing to Saigon."

    • punkneverdies

      She went on to say that her style is the bomb-diggy-bomb di-dang di-dang diggy-diggy.

  • ph7

    “sis,” short for “sister.”

    Hey, WND, guess what F.U. is short for!

  • I wish Barack Obama was gay cuz then it would free me to express my admiration of his hotness.

    For now, let me just say he's a very comely man

    • Fare la Volpe

      Is it really gayer to say you find a gay man hot, or gayer to say you find a straight man hot?

      I'm not an expert (just an amateur), but I don't think that's how gayness works. This requires much more experimentation to come to a satisfying conclusion. Excuse me.

      • Well, if he's gay and I say he's hot, there's always the chance I could get some. If he's straight, there are all the uncomfortable looks away, and the "Why can't I quit you?" unspoken questions…

        • vtxmcrider

          If he's straight and there are all those uncomfortable looks away, then he is not secure in his sexuality. Buy him a six-pack and then you can have what you want.

    • Esteev

      Took the something right out of my something.

  • MistaEko

    Reports are saying that the source of this story is Rick Springfield, who used to work at the Michelle's law firm, developed a big crush, and for years has held a grudge that he just could not have Jesse's girl.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Coat room sex is always the smartest, cause everyone never always goes in there at just any old time to take away or add any coats. Never. But only the really good, professional homosexuals know this secret. This is so obviously true.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "professional homosexuals"

      What does this pay?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Seriously. And where the fuck do I send my resume?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          With references?

    • PsycWench

      And when you have this coat room sex, you could never lock the door to get a few minutes of privacy because coat room doors just never lock. True fact.

      • prommie

        And its a good thng those doors just never lock, because what fucking fun would that be?

    • It does make having a good gay orgy easier if everyone just has to feel around for their coats under the mass of sweaty flesh.

    • prommie

      YOU FUCKING STARTED IT! And I wasn't even around, and you started it! I mean really how can you complain to me people all talking about our little secret thingy when YOU STARTED IT!

      • Look, everybody knows that your "secret thingy" is that you're going into business together with a Mailboxes, Etc. franchise! We can read between the lines!

        • FakaktaSouth

          Aw man, I thought we were gonna be professional homosexuals. Fine, whatever.

    • finallyhappy

      Let me check with my daughter who handles coat check at a big music venue- Of course, where she works, people might have sex during the concert- 2000 people packed together standing up gyrating

  • Texan_Bulldog

    So they're dusting off the old gay chestnut from 2008 again? I figure if some dude was lucky enough to sleep with Bammerz, Fox would have given him his own show by now. Where's Larry Sinclair when you need him?

    And that picture is very disturbing.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Slash fiction, Corsi. U R doin it RONG.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Seriously. For someone so obviously fapping to this, he's really skimping on the good bits!

    • Nice.

  • Baconzgood

    Rock-Solid Source Hazel

    BEST BAND NAME EVAR!!!!!!!!!

    • It's like hipster technogrunge!

  • carlgt1

    wow, I had no idea that all these years of screeching Obama was part-and-parcel of "Chicago politics" — it was really through Michelle's connections!

  • Obamz is Kenyan, communist American, gay, where is Corsi's next meme coming from?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Obama is Pedobear.

  • second_gen

    Okay, so, Obama didn't really come out for gay marriage, per se. He only came out for gay while you're married?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Another proof that he's a closet Republican.

  • Corsi needs to talk more about Willard 'rasslin' grizzly bears in his childhood log cabin in Bloomfield Hills.

    • pdiddycornchips

      And don't forget his harrowing missionary experience, roughing it in the jungles of Paris, France.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Corsi's original name for his fake source was Shaniqua but the WND editors made him change it something less racist-y.

  • LibrarianX

    Smells like frenzied flop sweat.

    • That's Corsi's baseline. Wait 'til he actually wakes up on November 7th and realizes his Gay Love On The Coat Pile story didn't work. THAT'S gonna be stinky.

  • JustPixelz

    "…sat at a desk and read the newspaper all day."

    What is this "newspaper" he speaks of?

    BFD. I sit at a desk and read WND Wonkette all day. I may be white or may be blah. (I'm not sure because I couldn't stand to see a pasty faced pudge ball staring back at me from the mirror each morning. Solution: Stopped using the mirror.)

  • pdiddycornchips

    Worst fan fiction EVAH!!!

  • PsycWench

    " One of those men was Obama. This was long before anybody knew Obama, before he became famous like he is today.”
    Then she went on to say "I think it was Obama but all those darkies look alike". For some reason Corsi took that part out.

    • Fare la Volpe

      This is WND — that would have only supported their position.

      • Esteev

        "Weapons of Nuanced Distraction"

  • LesBontemps

    Santita and Jesse Jr. call her “sis,” short for “sister.”

    That's funny, I call Jerome Corsi "asshole douchenozzle," which isn't short for anything.

  • And on the same day that Tbogg posts this.

    Obviously the "Obama is gay" rumor is getting some traction. Hannity and Carlson should be doing an hour-long doc on it on Fox soon.

    • Or Brian Ross on Faux Newz Lite.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Methinks this "Charming Old Man" has had his beard buried in many a Cub Scout's crotch.

    • Baconzgood

      OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! That dude looks, talks, and sings EXACTLY like my co-worker Ron. I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!!!!

    • Toomush_Infer

      This is…well, this is Gold!!! The R Train, or never move for'rd….with such delivery!…I think those R's should spend every penny of their campaign making this a 24 hour ad until the day of the election! I know that's what I'd recommend!…..

    • Esteev

      Have they started blowing each other on camera yet?

  • rickmaci

    Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo

  • It was abundantly evident that JJ Sr. hated Obama's guts in 2008. Corsi's lies just keep getting more and more laughable!

  • Schmannnity

    Gay sex at Rev. Wright's house. A new meaning for bi-polar.

  • BornInATrailer

    Hazel is so clearly Jerome's drag name.

  • Stevola

    "Lazy" isn't a dog whistle. It's calling for your dog by name in a public park.

  • Jerome Corsi needs to do a public reading of this column.

    Dressed as Ethel Merman.

    • Schmannnity

      There's no business like blow business, there's no business I know . . . .

    • Singing You're the Top.

    • bobbert

      Ethel Mormon.

  • mavenmaven

    When white folks do it, its called "family", when black folks do it, it must be a "conspiracy".

  • JustPixelz

    "I went to the room where all the coats were on the bed, because I wanted to leave," said Hazel. "I didn't go into the bedroom for any other reason," she continued. "I only asked my gentleman friend to help me lift all the heavy coats because I was on the bottom. My coat! My coat was on the bottom." She paused a moment. "It might have been a room on the spaceship made up to look like a bedroom at Rev. Wright's house. I can't be sure about that," she added.

    • Baconzgood

      This made iced tea come out of my nose.

  • Really, who among us wouldn't take a chance for gay anonymous sex in our pastor's bed room filled with coats?

    • UnholyMoses

      That depends.

      Do you consider a blow job "sex"?

  • DCBloom

    Michelle lazy? Has he not seen those arms?

  • Corsi is down on his game. No mention of the coke that Obama was doing at the same time he was having sex in Wright's bedroom.

  • Mittaplasia

    The cure for gheys has just been outlawed in California giving the other 56 states one more reason to pray to the seismic gods for us to fall into the sea.

  • BlueStateLibel

    The best place to have a very secret love encounter – the guest room where guests go in and out to retrieve their coats. Who would have thought.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Oh, wait – this has to be Republaparsed ….so, Corsi is tres gey, and Eggs must sit around alll day sucking bonbons and watching DOOL reruns….I get it now!….and Hazel is code for the Big Blah MF who introduced Corsi to the buttsechs… Hey, this is easy!..

  • Who is WND secret source? John Sununu?

  • DCBloom

    OT…. in other news. Today’s Coulterism was, "You could see at the end of that debate, (Obama) knew that, anniversary or not, Michelle wanted to go home with Mitt."

    • Esteev

      I saw that and thought WTF. But, then again, Anne's just pissed that no man or woman will go home with her.

  • LibrarianX

    Ted Nugent can confirm this story.

  • Dildeaux

    Well of course the coats would be on the damn floor. One word: Wool.

  • Funny, I don't see any beard on Michelle.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Though I've only read excerpts from Jerome Corsi's "work" here and there, I'm beginning to think that its signature quality is a strong undercurrent of homoeroticism.

  • widestanceromance

    We're supposed to buy a story where a black woman is reading (!!1!!) and not dispensing hand-out babies right and left? I expected so much more from a serious journalist. My weekend is ruined.

  • Smithboy

    And the man Obama was making out with was none other than GW Bush wearing his Village People cowboy outfit.

  • DahBoner

    the room where all the coats are on the bed

    I think that's known, on the lazy blah person party circuit as "The Coat-Bed Room".

    I think I saw that on the Cosby show in the 80's…

  • docterry6973

    This explains why Obama is emailing me five times a day demanding buttsecks. Which he calls 'donations' to conceal his lust for me.

  • kyeshinka

    I picture Obama reading this, hands clasped below his chin, going, "Mmmyyesss, everything's going according to plaaann. Muwahahahahah!!!"

  • littlebigdaddy

    So it's not good enough for him to be a Muslin Kenyan Socialist and a blah…he has to be teh ghey as well?

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    If Jesse Jackson wielded such political power, why the fuck didn't he get himself elected President?

  • i totally went to that party.

  • greypanter

    This will most certainly spell doom for Obama among formerly undecided voters in key swing states.

  • moar_plz

    I really want to carve a backwards B in Jerome Corsi's face using Occam's Razor.

  • kittenface_2000

    So…when Jesse Jackson said that he'd like to cut Obama's balls off, he was just requesting a fancy sexual thing that everyone's too lame to know about?

  • AlterNewt

    I'm certain that Republicans everywhere are repulsed by this notion of people using their connections with influential people to to further their ambitions.

  • ttommyunger

    Can it still be called Jungle Fever if it's a ghey thing? A friend wants to know…A friend named Jerome.

  • largefooted

    Meh. Jesse Jackson's goddaughter bought me my first alcohol, I guess that makes me black and gay too.

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