long-form bls report, pleaseGood news! The new Bureau of Labor Statistics unemployment report came out, and more Americans are working, the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, and jobs numbers were revised upwards in July and August.

Of course, Barry Obama had a bad debate on Wednesday, so how could the economy mysteriously be recovering two days after Obama lost the entire election, friends? It’s a CONSPIRACY. At least, that’s what a bunch of Republicans are saying. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you … BLS Troofers, because of course they are.

Yes. They went in and tinkered a decades-old system to get a possible bump out of a positive jobs report. This is eminently logical. Also, they changed the buttons on Jack Welch’s clicker, because he simply cannot get the channel changed from this gonzo teen porn to the Hallmark Channel.

Hahahaha, we kid, Jack Welch is not a pervert, just an insane demagogue.

On Fox News, Stuart Varney agrees.

Makes sense that Obama would keep unemployment above 8% for his entire term, then game the system a month before the election to place unemployment at the insanely low rate of only 7.8% (also known as the magic reelection number, people). Chicago-style politics at its finest.

There is, however, an alternate explanation for all of this, via Washington Examiner “senior writer” (paid intern) Conn Carroll:

Be on the lookout for further evidence of Democrap perfidy – after all, if a concerted effort by Democrats to game the BLS numbers by calling in and reporting that their organic dildo stores were booming with a hundred employees each worked, then by next month could get the unemployment rate all the way down to, like, 7.7%.

We are sensing a third term for President Obama. Guaranteed.

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  • PuckStopsHere

    It's a Festivus miracle!

    • Esteev

      Welsh couldn't smooth an earnings sheet if he had a hot date with a… I lost my train of thought.

    • Craig

      Hi hockey person. I think I love you. XXOO, @PuckBuddys

    • AddHomonym

      But we must now endure the airing of grievances.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Did I miss the airing of grievances?

  • tihond

    Republicans, combine your conspiracies for greater efficiency. For example, this BLS jobs report includes people that were hired by the left to commit voter fraud.

    • Zombie_Reagan

      Needs MOAR "New Black Panther Party"

    • docterry6973

      No, my local Democratic committee made it clear that my voter fraud is strictly off the books. No income taxes on my payoff.

    • UnholyMoses

      "this BLS jobs report includes Muslin people that were hired by the left from Kenya, and by cellphone to commit voter fraud and free abortions. "

      There. All better.

      **pats comment on head**

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Ehem. Mandatory free abortions.

        • tihond

          to people that weren't even pregnant.

          • SnarkOff

            After they get gay-married.

          • UnholyMoses

            By Al Gore (who is fat).

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Men, mostly.

    • Goonemeritus

      Now that’s efficient government, we can go right back to sucking on the government teat after the election.

      • Mittaplasia

        I call it aynranding so I don't go on some guilt trip.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I do wish the Dems could be so organized. They can't get it together to kick the crap out of some of the lamest teatards to ever reveal themselves from beneath the lowest rock, but they can damn sure spontaneously collude to get this handled.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      The dems are beginning their training program for the great "take your guns" program which will begin November 6.

      • Toomush_Infer

        AND – replace them with pea shooters!!!!…

      • Katydid

        Don't forget the forced abortion-on-demand surge.

        (I don't get that phrase, actually. Is that opposed to abortion-by-surprise?

  • One_who_wanders

    Yeah because a bunch of Democrats from the BLS random sample are going to decide all on their own to lie and say they found jobs to boost O's standings. That is believable almost as believable as Rmoney's walk-back on the 47% comments.

  • tihond

    Oh Con Carroll, Sununu points out… We're much too lazy for that.

    • Katydid

      Nah, just the blahs presidents are.

      • tihond

        These days, we're all Blah presidents.

      • zumpie

        All the blah presidents are also "not that bright" enough to do any of this, either

  • TavariousChinaSmith

    That last guy is right: I'm working four jobs just to pay for my counterfeit food stamps. USA! USA! USA!

  • jjdaddyo

    Romney needs to fire a bunch of campaign workers ASAP and get that unemployment number back up. He does enjoy firing people, though, so it's win/win!

  • eggsacklywright

    My official numbers say that Jack Welch is a lying turd-like substance.

  • memzilla

    Say, you know which other world leader had amazingly low unemployment in his fourth year in office… ?

    • eggsacklywright

      Pol Pot?

    • Stalin?

    • YouFail4eva

      Ronald Reagan! Wait, no, that's not it. Bush the Senior? No, that's not it either. Bush the stupider? No, that's not it. THAT's IT! JOHN McCain! This is GREAT News for John McCain.

      Phew, almost didn't get that one.

    • PugglesRule

      Ho Chi Minh?

    • Ramses II?

      • UnholyMoses

        You — yes, you Chow Yun Flat — have just won the Internet!

        Where should we ship all of these tubes?

      • mavenmaven


      • memzilla

        Don Pardo, tell him what he's won!

      • mavenmaven

        Hebrew Slaves- You built that!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Louis the XVI?

    • tihond

      Earth-6's President Al Gore?

    • MosesInvests

      Jefferson Davis?

    • Theywontlisten

      Kid Charlemagne is what I heard

    • kingofmeh

      abraham lincoln, because conscription?

    • horsedreamer_1


  • It's not like Jack Welch "cooked" the books at GE to improve a quarter or anything.

    • Oblios_Cap

      But he was lauded as a Titan of Industry" despite that. Corporate transpeancy, and all that rot.

    • BartStarrland

      Any dude whose corporate tenure ended on 09/10/2001 can STFU.

  • eggsacklywright

    I am failing to see the sexy here.

  • memzilla

    So, did every Wonkette commenter and lurker lie about having a jerb… or ten?

    • HistoriCat

      I have a job but I only pretend to work – how should I be counted?

      • memzilla

        Pretending to work is work, so, two jerbs.

    • CommieDad

      I am a stay-at-home-dad. Does that count?

      Damn't Kids the toilet is for the dog to drink out of. No, seriously…gotta go..

      • memzilla

        Two kids + one wife = three jerbs. Because, math!

  • MacRaith

    Wingnut law #1005: Everything a Democrat says is a lie. Everything a Republican says is the truth. This is true even when Democrats and Republicans say the exact same thing.

    • PsycWench

      Extension of Wingnut law #1005: Any action a Democrat takes has ulterior and sinister motives. Any action a Republican takes has saintlike and lofty motives. This is true even when Democrats and Republicans take the same actions.

  • I think a bunch of Dems lied about getting jobs.

    call me crazy, but I think part of the problem getting accurate stats, as well as what's keeping more folks from obtaining work, is that the employers who could safely function as "job creators," keep lying about the jobs they're so-called 'offering' up just in order to nab the perks and tax-relax incentives being dangled in front of them.

  • Jack Welch was an idiot at GE and he has only gotten worse.

    • Katydid

      When I worked at GE headquarters in CT, the bastard would always come to work in a helicopter. Best thing I can say about him is his wife really screwed him when he divorced her. Not only did she get half his fortune, she put in the filings that she wanted part of his retirement package. SEC said huh, went after GE, and Welch lost his perks. He came out looking like the piece of shit he is. Fuckweasal probably wants Mittens so his taxes go down, what with being worth $400 million, he really needs that extra 2-3 mill.

      • It is why I never regretted borrowing his book at the library and not buying it. Although I regret admiring the guy for his turnaround of GE.

        That and the now bankrupt corp I worked for hired one of Jack's minion weasels who put us right into the ground.

        There is pretty much a stinky taint around anyone who came from the "CEO" factory.

      • I recall that his initial retirement package was really off the charts–use of a GE plane, huge allowance for staff, blowjobs from an editor at the Harvard Business Review…

    • Theywontlisten

      I used to work with many a GE fuck because they were a vendor for a company I worked for. Downright nasty and contrite liars just like their CEO fuck of a daddy Jack Welcher

  • America is like an episode of The Simpsons without the self awareness. It's always pitchforks and torches at 4:00 in the afternoon.

  • memzilla

    Jack Welch wouldn't know what an employed person looked like if it flew in from New Delhi and bit him in the ass with curry and naan bread on the side.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I think the phrase "Chicago-style politics" has a lot to do with dead people voting (see JFK winning Illinois in 1960). So, does this mean a bunch of dead guys got jobs? That would be good, because I've heard zombie unemployment is, like, sky high.

    • MacRaith

      Yes, ever since The Walking Dead started filming, every zombie in the country has a job.

    • Esteev

      Hmm… interesting take. I thought it had to do with blackness.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Nah, Chicago style (outside of pizza) is a right wing whistle for Daly machine politics, which was mainly a collaboration of unions with suspect connections to the mobs and various white ethnic blocs (mainly Irish but also various Slav/Pole groups). Never mind that the original Daly machine broke over 30 years ago and the guys who run Obama's campaign were part of the coalition movement that broke it in favor of a more inclusive and transparent (if not nearly as efficient) city government. Also never mind that the only people clinging to that version of Chicago=corrupt are people who'd never vote for a Democratic Presidential candidate if their lives depended on it.

        Now, if they talk about South Side Chicago anything, that's about being blah, but mainly only folks who've lived in or near the city would get it.

  • Must be part of the conspiracy that had Nate Silver bump Bamz chances for re-election from 84.7% on Tuesday, to 86.1% on Wednesday (the day of the debate), to 87.1% today.

    Read 'em & weep suckahs!

  • Radiotherapy

    Well, Bill Ayers did write his books….and teleprompterz….and he's lazy and has been given everything in life…and he hates this country. Makes sense to me.

  • Troubledog

    Jack Welsh is the Rudy Giuliani of CEOs. Nice that Jack can take a few minutes off from running his online MBA printing mill.

    From his Wikipedia profile — which except for this unflattering tidbit includes so much love it looks like it was written by his wife and his mistress together:

    On February 25, 2010, the Higher Learning Commission ordered the institution to show cause as to why its accreditation should not be rescinded.[7] On February 24, 2011, the Higher Learning Commission Board of Trustees determined that the institution had addressed the concerns of the Commission and demonstrated that it met the Criteria for Accreditation. The board removed the Show-Cause order and continued the accreditation of the university. However, the Higher Learning Commission issued a new "show cause" order on June 28, 2012.[8] Chancellor University will host a visit from an HLC team in October 2012.[7]

  • vulpes82

    Of course, the fact that the government and ADP numbers had been so wildly divergent, but are now roughly in line, for the past few months just means the conspiracy is even deeper than thought! It's not because employers are late all the time reporting new hires (actually, that's just something I read; I don't know if that's really the reason, though considering they're always revising these numbers it probably is), but Obama lulling everyone into a sense of complacency, until BAM, everyone has jobs! He truly is history's greatest monster.

  • le petit mort

    Always fire 10% of your tweeted statements. – Jack Welch

    • Theywontlisten

      he's the fucker that kinda started that shit

  • Pragmatist2

    God loves Obama.

    • Katydid

      Only the Muslin god, who does not exist, you elitist commie soshialist fascist meanie.

      • Pragmatist2

        Guilty on all counts.

    • Obviously. See the post about him (Nate Silver), above.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    Isn't Welsh the guy who sent tens of thousands of GE jobs to canada and mexico?

    • Esteev

      Welsh thinks cooking jobs numbers is as easy as manipulating earnings.

    • zumpie

      Yes. That's precisely WHY he knows these jobs are faked—because he eliminated all the jobs in the US. And he's now working on dithcing all those entitled, evil teachers, too

      • bobbert

        There's a reason he's known as Neutron Jack.

  • Indiepalin

    This conspiracy is almost as bad as the one in Minnesota when thousands of felons were released from prison early so they could vote for Al Franken.

  • I think, "Ernest Scared Stupid." is his funniest movie.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I admit it. I fixed the numbers. I applied for 125,000 jobs last month but I only got hired for113, 999. Somebody else got that one job. Now if you’ll excuse me I must get back to work.

  • Of course job hiring is up — someone has to put out all the Halloween-to-Yuletide deco's at The Dollar Tree!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can't debate so change numbers

    Jack Welch would know about cooking the books!

  • UnholyMoses

    "organic dildo stores"

    I have much interest in your product. Do you, perchance, have a newsletter or website?

    • eggsacklywright

      But are they free-range?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      [sorry about this]

      I got your organic dildo, right here!

      [again, I'm so sorry.]

  • Indiepalin

    Actually, the uptick in job numbers can be linked directly to the boom in asteroid mining.

  • Goonemeritus

    If this keeps up we will have to give-up being so shiftless.

    • And crack down on "whiling-away-the-hours"~

  • Jerri

    Muahahahahahaha, it's all coming together!

  • prommie

    Jack "Who Do I Have To Fire To Get You To Call This Election For Bush" Welch?

    • prommie

      This guy? Who was saved by 9/11? Because during the first week of September 2001 Henry Waxman was investigating his deliberate efforts to influence the election and demanding NBC turn over the tape of him threatening to cut off heads if NBC didn't call the election for Bush? __Related Articles_Don't give up the tape. // Broadcasting & Cable

  • Radiotherapy

    Big Bird did 9/11.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    Sanctions seem to be having an effect on the Iranian populace, too. They are likely conspiring as well, because you know they really, really want WWIII.

  • Baconzgood

    "I think a bunch of Dems lied about getting jobs."

    Yeah because those unemployment checks that you use to buy your kids Similac are worth losing so you can get the numbers down 2/10 %

    • UW8316154

      Baconz, I'm holding YOU personally accountable in this conspiracy, too. You are in the tank for Obama, by getting a new jerb and piling on the reduce unemployment. What have you got to say for yourself, sir??

  • How's 2016 looking for you, Mitt?

    • kyeshinka

      He'll have to challenge Chris Christie to a bum fight. Any bets?

  • All the members of my soviet here in the Socialist Republic of Palmer Woods called the BLS to say we had two or three new jobs each.

  • kyeshinka

    Over one hundred thousand new jobs, and I have two of 'em. Too bad I can't report any income from either.

  • Steverino247

    It's my fault. I retired yesterday and they had to hire all those fuckers to replace me.

    • Katydid

      Did you really? Did you get the millions of dollars in perks that Welch got? Or did you get a gold watch and a kick in the ass to get you out the door?__And, congratulations!!!

      • Steverino247

        I really retired. I voluntarily retired early for an incentive (about 11K after taxes) and to try to keep others from being laid off. I also donated my remaining sick leave (29 hours) to a complete stranger who needed the time. That my employer doesn't think about details like that is part of the problem requiring people like me to retire early.

        I did not get millions of dollars in perks. I will get the 11K after taxes in 6-8 weeks.

        I did not get a gold watch or a kick in the ass. I got a nice clock with a statement of appreciation of my 27 years keeping people alive/sane, children safe and judges informed.

        • YouFail4eva

          Congratulations on your retirement, and thank you for the service you performed. May you find the rest of your years to be enjoyable, fun, and full of buttsechs. Surprise buttsechs.

          • Steverino247

            That would be on the giving end of that service for a change. Had enough of the surprise buttsechs on the receiving end at work.

        • Katydid

          Typical Democrap, using Alinsky-style tactics to hurt the job-creating employers. Somehow.

          Seriously, though, you actually thought of others who might be fired, so you retired? Not only does that rhyme, it's a thoughtful and kind act. No Republican you (that also rhymes).

        • MissTaken

          Ball rub for you!

          • Theywontlisten

            Make that a double coming from me too!

  • One_who_wanders

    I was tempted to steal this:

    <blockquote class="twitter-tweet">Fraudenschade: sorrow at the good fortune of others dealt with by inventing conspiracy theories. See @jack_welch, #birthers&mdash; Omar Wasow (@owasow) October 5, 2012
    <script src="//" charset="utf-8"></script>

  • prommie

    AKA Jack "Nice Tits" Welch?

    • FakaktaSouth

      I do hope that is a thing he said and not something you are saying about him.

      • prommie

        He is notorious for saying it loudly and often and obnoxiously leeringly whenever he was inspired to do so. Just loudly looking women right in the face in public places and yelling "Nice Tits." Strangers on the streets, subordinates who worked for him, anyone, anywhere. Made Sterling Cooper look like an enlightened workplace.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Hey that's interesting, I am at the "Maidenform" episode as we speak.

          • eggsacklywright

            I'm up to date on the episodes, but still enjoy watching the reruns on AMC on Sunday mornings (really early on the left coast). Definitely worth multiple viewings.

  • Esteev

    This is weird. I thought Obama was the one being unfriendly to the private sector.

    In the wise words of Willy Wonka: "Strike that, reverse it."

  • Mittens is gonna have to do something totes awesome to top this… Moar Cheap Gas! Moon Colonies! Kill teh PBS!

  • Related, maybe: I am still worried about what today's teenagers, in my mere immediate sampling pool, are doing about learning what it means to find work, earn income.
    From the time my friend's niece had turned 15 around three years ago — same age as I had started babysitting regularly — she showed no interest, even by the time she *was* eligible to get a drivers license and drive to a job. I never did learn what she did to pay for trips to the mall, the movies — I paid for all that with babysitting money, starting her age at the time/ Grade 8.
    Now that my own niece is around that same age and plenty capable of watching others' kids: same thing. No time to 'sit, there are school related activities filling the weekends.
    I do not have the nerve to ask the parents if getting a job and earning spending money is just no longer important? Even give-or-take the proportion of families too broke to purchase a sitter's services and go out occasional evenings — are we getting that insular or averse to "getting away from the kids" and depriving teenagers of this significant step in taking responsibility outside one's social/ academic circle. I feel this generation, if the trend I perceive is more-than-just-my-observation, could emerge as eventual job seekers really under-practiced in finding a job plus maintaining a regular income and managing finances.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Kidz today! What are you going to do?

    • biraweeyaz

      I graduated high school in 2005. I, and almost all the kids I was friends with (who were also taking a full course load of AP classes) never had jobs in high school. that's because, well, we were all busy with…academics. And sometimes extracurriculars, yes. But all those kids ended up going to college, most of them went to top UC's (UCLA, Berkeley, etc.). One went to Harvard and one went to CalTech. Now we're all in grad school or newly minted post-graduate professionals.

      My point is, sometimes teenagers don't work because they're lazy, yes. But sometimes they don't work because they're focused on academics, and working part time would serve very little purpose other than making grades suffer. I didn't work until well into college, and I don't think my work ethic or job-finding skills have suffered at all.

    • shelwood46

      How dare young girls not realize it is their lot in life to care for other people's children every weekend. How will they learn to be mommies, their only destiny?

    • sarjo

      I think they're all selling naked pictures of themselves on the web to earn money–it's the new economy.

      In fact I think it's true that most "good" kids are so overburdened in the pre-college rat race that they have very little time for a serious job, and need to spend what little free time they have decompressing.

  • Katydid

    O/T Anybody else having trouble with the Website today? My comments keep getting eated, sometimes I'm getting a weird response asking me to enter my e-mail and name, it keeps hanging, and the "Reply" button is not enabled sometimes, even when I'm signed in.

    Is this because I'm a member of the Democrat party?????

    • Nope. Out here on the left coast all things are good 'cept we need some rain here in the Northwest.

      ed: On that last post, the reply appeared but the enter box didn't disappear. A bit weird. Maybe our eds didn't properly wash their hands before posting advert scripts.

    • Same here although I found that hitting reload on Firefox 20 or 30 times often fixed it.

    • eggsacklywright

      I'm using Firefox and apart from having to occasionally refresh a few times to make everything function, it's pretty normal.

      ED: and yes, Weej, some rain would be good. But perhaps lack of rain in Seattle is something we should keep quiet about.

    • UW8316154

      Yes, I'm having all sorts of trouble with it today.

      Now Weejee, you just hush about that rain! This is one of the more gorgeous late summer/early Fall seasons I can remember! Unless, of course, you are talking about the fall rain that brings about the schrooms, well then, yah, we're about due for a nice rain.

    • kyeshinka

      Same thing here in Iowa. But we're not complaining since we only got Internet four years ago. But half my town is still voting for Dukakis and that's a bit weird.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That lady in my neighborhood who's always staring at the sky and going on about the chemtrails is starting to look more sane each day.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    The good news is I doubt anyone has ever heard of those three gentlemen you mention above. I know I haven't.

  • mavenmaven

    And while we are on the subject of bs, Romney just flipflops on EVERYTHING:

    • Katydid

      Jesus fucking Christ on a toasted pop-tart, Mittens wants to be president more than anyone I've ever seen. He'll say or do fucking anything to try to win. WTF is his issue?

  • Barrelhse

    Jack Welch IS a pervert.

  • pinkocommi

    Republicans do not give credence to facts. Next time the job numbers should be reported by some guy who says he heard them from a burning bush or read them off some golden plates and then the numbers will be beyond suspicion.

  • smitallica

    What debate?


  • thatsitfortheother1

    These are all temp jobs making Voter ID cards in red/swing states.

  • LibertyLover

    It's not like Bush raised the terror threat level every time Kerry had a good week.

    Dang. Where is my snark? I musta left it in my other pants….

  • LibertyLover

    Meanwhile, Patriotic Republicans are celebrating these wonderful job numbers because it is good for all Americans and our country.

  • MozakiBlocks

    No snark but in my little town (deep in a red state), three new restaurants and an organic grocery store have opened up in the past year. All are doing reasonably well. That means folks have disposable income to dispose.

    Additionally, two national chains are building new stores out on the main highway. So something good is happening.

    I don't know if the organic grocery store has organic dildos, but I shall make it a point to check asap.

  • BornInATrailer


  • LibertyLover

    Must be all of those new bus drivers that the Dems hired to pick up the blah and brown people to vote multiple times in multiple places by promising them an abundance of Mad Dog 20 20 and 40 oz beer.

  • I lied when I said earlier this week that 75 people at my company were riffed. Actually, 75 were hired. Make that 175.

  • ttommyunger

    All I know is: if if looks like a Dick, walks like a Dick and talks like a Dick, it's probably Jack Welch.

  • Weenus299

    Jack Welch is fucking crazy. I knew this 10 years or so ago, after having watched a feelgood interview on 60 minutes. He would have killed his long-dead mother to extract her mineral wealth.

  • Stellaa

    Jack Welch knows about doctoring numbers.

  • Craig

    Truthers, Birthers and now Welchers.

  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    I fear a Jonestown style response.

    Republicans quitting their jobs in the tens of thousands in order to raise the UE rate.

  • Jack Welch accused Obama of book-cooking, Laura Ingram called it propaganda, and a former Rumsfeld staffer questioned whether the timing of the report was politically motivated*.

    All in those exact words, even. Do… do these people every go back and actually read the things they tweet, themselves?

    *Tom Ridge's former staff, I guess, isn't on twitter.

    • RaflcaFlkaFlame

      Repubs are totes right. Last night, as I galloped past the Dept of Labor, I ACTUALLY saw Barry standing on Axelrod's shoulders to climb in through the second floor window! The books are COOKED…. COOKED!

      • If we're keeping up the trend here, I'm going to have to surmise that your RFF is just a clever substitution of your In Real Life initials, GGL. How's the radio show doing?

  • ibwilliamsi

    “I think a bunch of Dems lied about getting jobs”.

    Gawd these people are ignorant! Jobs numbers come out at the end of the month because that’s when most businesses pay their 941’s, and then give a full report quarterly on the 941 report as to EXACTLY who they employed and EXACTLY what they paid them.

    It’s appalling that people with power don’t know the basics of payroll taxes.

  • It's all those damn Jews in the BLS. All of 'em are in the tank for Nobama.

    Sheesh, Republicans sure have come a long way.

  • I think a bunch of Dems lied about getting jobs.

    My boss has been saying that about me for years.

  • Woodshedding

    Darn, if I'd realized it would help Obama, *I* would have lied and said I'm working, when the guys from the BLS came door to door gathering their information.

  • DahBoner

    Jack Welsh is right.

    The right-wing Chicago School of Free-Market Economist are frauds, fakes and Charlatans:

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