THOU SHALT NOT PUBLISH THY EDITOR'S WIFE  10:55 am October 5, 2012

Washington Post’s Sally Quinn Does Magick, Knows God Loves Mitt Romney

by Doktor Zoom

Our Saviour, Northern Exposure's Chris in the MorningVapid publisher’s spouse and party-planning expert Sally Quinn has heaved up another of her insightful “On Faith” columns. This is a person who has in the past used her column to explore the spiritual dilemmas involved in choosing a Dancing With the Stars victor; explaining that 50 Shades of Grey actually reflects a “religious phenomenon” (holy fuck!); oh, and by the way, no big deal, told a panel this week that she is a witch (we can hardly wait to see what the Maine GOP thinks of that!). So we were not expecting Deep Thought; but this time she’s gone especially shallow:

When Mitt Romney mentioned the “Creator” in the debate Wednesday, he owned it. “We’re all children of the same God,” he said.

That’s about 85 percent of the country he was talking to. That should have been President Obama’s constituency but he let Romney have it as he let Romney have the debate.

We were not aware that it was actually possible to call dibs on The Almighty, but Mitt apparently did indeed own that round, and Obama compounded his error by missing the chance to call “shotgun.”

She goes on to extol Romney for citing the Declaration of Independence’s statement that our rights come from “our Creator,” an innovative strategy that no previous candidate had apparently ever considered. She quotes, but makes no comment on, Romney’s peculiar exegesis of “the pursuit of happiness” to include “making sure that those people who are less fortunate and can’t care for themselves” are cared for but with the limitation that that care be provided “by one another,” apparently through private charities, not a nasty government safety net.

Quinn then turns to some other truths that she finds self-evident:

This is a religious country. Part of claiming your citizenship is claiming a belief in God, even if you are not Christian.. We’ve got the Creator in our Declaration of Independence. We’ve got “In God We Trust” on our coins. We’ve got “one nation under God” in our Pledge of Allegiance. And we say prayers in the Senate and the House of Representatives to God.

An atheist could never get elected dog catcher, much less president.

We think we’re supposed to be impressed by her broad-mindedness at allowing theists of all stripes to claim citizenship, “even if you are not Christian” (presumably this includes lapsed witches like herself). But those of us unfit to even be dog catchers might have a teensy quibble with Quinn’s vision of “Americanism.” It is most likely because we are constantly angry malcontents who lack a moral code. Or maybe because we take that “freedom” stuff far too seriously and think it means us? We get silly about that. Like Americans so often do.

Up until now, the idea of being American and believing in God were synonymous.

…At least they were, to anyone who mattered, right? To a degree, Quinn’s idiot nostalgia for those easy assumptions is actually good news — she seems to recognize that those days aren’t coming back, however she might pine for them. But then she’s right back to her notion that “the God vote” is a winner-take-all contest. Noting that most Democrats have finally accepted that it’s easier to wear American-flag lapel pins than to be branded unpatriotic, lest Fox News blast them for their shocking lack of patriotism, Quinn then suggests that President Obama could make a lot of headway by adopting another empty gesture:

If Obama wants to win the next debate, he needs to wear God, as much as it offends him to do so, the same way he captured the flag for this one.

But why stop there? Since America is a nation where people are free to attend any church, synagogue, or mosque to worship Jesus in the way they choose, maybe Obama should take the opportunity at the next debate to let the Holy Spirit come over him and begin speaking in tongues. At the very least, the moderator could could offer the candidates a chance to handle poisonous snakes.

[WaPo]

 

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{ 246 comments }

Barbara_ October 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

Meh, I'm going to hell in every religion.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

Whoever gets there first, bring the scotch.

thatsitfortheother1 October 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

Dram of Glenbrimstone?

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

I'd say "pick up some ice" but what would be the point?

LesBontemps October 5, 2012 at 11:35 am

Hot toddies for everyone!

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Scotch?
It's summertime in Hell; that means gin!
*mutters* Scotch, inDEED.

kyeshinka October 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

Not all of 'em. I thought the Jews didn't believe in hell. I guess it can't be any worse than wandering around Sinai for 40 years with nothing to keep you company except joan rivers.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Didn't the Macedonians travel 10x that distance in 11 years? God needs a better GPS.

WhatTheHeck October 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

Barb, if you send monies to the church which I’m going to start soon, I’ll make sure you have your own stairway to heaven.

MosesInvests October 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Not in mine, Barb.

horsedreamer_1 October 7, 2012 at 12:49 am

As is adultress Sally Quinn.

PuckStopsHere October 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

Mitt Romney's religious beliefs were, quite literally, pulled out of a hat.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Hey, mine walked out of a cave, so who am I to judge?

Blueb4sinrise October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Hat?

hagajim October 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

No, they were found buried under a tree, on a hill, in Pennsylvania I believe.

Terry October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

New York State. Translated by looking through two gems embedded in a golden breastplate that disappeared as soon as the tablets were read.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

And they were in New Egyptian, which is like New Coke only with fewer calories.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:35 am

I still prefer Clear Pepsi.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Golden…? And it disappeared…?
Hey, WAIT a minute!
Is this like his girlfriend who "goes to another school"? Because I know for a fact that *that*'s bullshit!

bobbert October 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Actually, the Urim and Thummim disapparated even before the translation was complete, leading to Joe completing the work by staring into his hat. (True story)

vtxmcrider October 5, 2012 at 11:38 pm

And, even back then, the story was not believable. And that is how Joe became known throughout the land as the first asshat.

ChillBill October 5, 2012 at 11:00 am

If Obama wants to win the next debate, he needs to wear God, as much as it offends him to do so, the same way he captured the flag for this one.

Sorry, Sally. Barry is too busy fixing the job numbers to party with Jesus.

Native_of_SL_UT October 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

One of the biggest problems in this country is the over abundance of people already wearing God. And God is embarrassed.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:00 am

That should have been President Obama’s constituency but he let Romney have it as he let Romney have the debate.

He also let Romney have the Big Bird burners, the $5 trillion tax cutters and the folks who watch FOX News.

Your point being…?

BlueStateLibel October 5, 2012 at 11:01 am

Such pious words from a woman who broke up another woman's marriage.

Texan_Bulldog October 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

Yeah, talk about sleeping your way to the top. She sets women back about 50 years.

Katydid October 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

She also sets journalism back…hell, there is no comparison for her shit.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:36 am

Just because its printed doesn't mean its journalism. This is more like PR.

Veritas78 October 5, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Yes. In America, an atheist cannot be elected dogcatcher.

But a bottle-blonde, face-lifted, home-wrecking slut with a stretched-out cunt the size of the Grand Canyon can still get printed in a newspaper no one reads anymore.

No one ever fucked you for your brains, Sally.

vtxmcrider October 5, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I still very fondly recall one of my first Wonkette articles that I ever read. It was when Sally Quinn got fired and Wonkette eloquently referred to her as "that talentless jizzbucket." Reading that sweet poetry, I was hooked.

no_gravity October 5, 2012 at 11:01 am

he needs to wear God

I never know what shoes to wear when I wear god.

nounverb911 October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

Red Prada's like the Pope?

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

Nah. That might cause consternation at TMZ. Loboutins. The red stays hidden until you kneel.

no_gravity October 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

I sometimes go with Christian Louboutin's but those are so last year.

eta: Actor212 beat me.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

GMTA, and so on

UnholyMoses October 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

Just make sure they're not white, it being after Labor Day and all.

hagajim October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

Just wear God as your shoes and you've got it covered.

Native_of_SL_UT October 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

Don't worry about the shoes. Just make sure the flag pin is just the right size.

La_Cieca October 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

The important thing to remember is that you are supposed to wear God. God is not supposed to wear you.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

If that's one of those "In Soviet Russia…" things, I have to say it's awfully subtle.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Penny loafers? Kind of corny, but it's hard to go wrong with a classic.
Bunny slippers? Because a supreme being who could invent farts and the platypus, you know he's got a sense of humor.
Those lace-up sandals that go up to your knees? Naahhh, too much of an unpleasant reminder of Roman soldiers; could make for some awkward moments.
Birkenstocks? It's God, not Jerry Garcia.
Of course, you could skip the shoe issue altogether and go barefoot, the better to walk on those fluffy Heaven clouds.

Boojum October 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Oh shit! I spilled red sauce on God!

vtxmcrider October 5, 2012 at 11:43 pm

It is only the soul of the shoes that matters.

One_who_wanders October 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

Thomas Jefferson and James Madison on the Red Founding Fathers Fone for Ms. Quinn.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Ulysses Grant purportedly refused to take oaths referencing God, and when his wife sent a Methodist minister to his deathbed for a last minute come to Jesus, Grant told him to get lost.

SnarkOff October 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

I'm so goddamn sick of religion and politics.

RawhideRawlins October 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

Amen, comrade.

eggsacklywright October 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

Right arm. And Snarkoff is a kind of vodka, right?

larrykat October 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I've tried making a snarky Pinterest board but it just doesn't work.

EatsBabyDingos October 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

Barry should wear his special jammies that say "One Nation, Underdog!"

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Thanks, but I'm already fapping to Biker Jesus.

jesus_vs_gojira October 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

Part of claiming your citizenship is claiming a belief in God

Mea culpa. I'll just leave your country now and slink back to Atheistan. Not sure what to do with this U.S. passport though.

kyeshinka October 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

The passport and three other forms of ID and you can vote in Ohio. That's…something.

jesus_vs_gojira October 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Shit yeah! I'm votin' for an atheist dog catcher.

Generation[redacted] October 5, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Just don't vote for the dyslexic atheist dog catcher.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

I believe in American Exceptionally Dumbism.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

You know the best kind of religious folks?

The ones who don't wear it on their sleeves but go out and do their God's work in private. Kinda like, you know, Barack Obama.

For it was Jesus who said "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men….when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret…."
(Matt 6:5-6, for those of you keeping score at home)

This Jesus fellow…pretty smart guy. Pity no one listens to him.

Terry October 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

Matthew 7 starting at about 15 is pretty good, too.

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. Mitt, this describes you exactly, hon.

Matthew continues: The value of a tree isn't in it's bark and leaves, it's in the fruit it produces. In other words, talk is cheap. Value is in a person's actions. That is troublesome for a lot of Republicans.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

I miss Jesus. I wish He would come back to Christianity.

Altho I suspect there would be an awful lot of tables overturned and garments rent.

Terry October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

I agree. Peace, taking care of one another, turning the other cheek.

PugglesRule October 5, 2012 at 12:08 pm

What did Gandhi say? I like your Jesus, but your Christians I'm not so sure about? Something like that.

Yellerdawg October 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

You're not paying attention to the right parts of the Bible. Ignore the socialist things like caring for the poor and sick and concentrate on the parts where you get to stone people who personally offend you.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

I like a good stoning.

You holding?

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

(The) Word.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"you get to stone people who personally offend you."

Or who say "Jehovah".
`
`
`
uh oh.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

""And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men….when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret…."
(Matt 6:5-6"

Second best Buble verse EVAR! If I thought anybody would get it, I would have a Matthew 6:5 bumper sticker.

SayItWithWookies October 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

We’ve got the Creator in our Declaration of Independence. We’ve got “In God We Trust” on our coins.

Look bitch, I'm only one guy with one Dremel tool and so many hours in the day. I'm scraping the goddamn things off as fast as I can.

Lot_49 October 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

Yep, that's right, in the time of Jefferson and Adams the word "God" had not yet been discovered, so in their ignorance the founding daddies called him the "Creator." It most certainly WAS NOT because those Deists knew the word "God" but chose to make the Declaration a secular document. And that's why they didn't put "In God We Trust" on coins until 1954. "Creator" just wouldn't fit on the dime.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

There is a great deal of willful ignorance on the connection between "In God We Trust" and "One nation, under God" and the trumped-up Red Scare bad-old-days.

pinkocommi October 5, 2012 at 11:04 am

In other words, Americans are stupid.

ttommyunger October 5, 2012 at 11:04 am

I suppose she's also prepared to share tips on how to Toss Salad, since that, along with Goober-Smooching, has played such a pivotal role with her successes in life.

Lot_49 October 5, 2012 at 11:04 am

As Sally learned early in life, it's not who you know, it's who you blow.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

Oddly, it involved kneeling to a Man

deanbooth October 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

“We’re all children of the same God”

All religious doctrines are pulled out a hat, some metaphorically, others literally.

Oblios_Cap October 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

You would think a mormon would recognize that more quickly than most, given the bullshit they claim to believe.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

Tasty avatar! Needs moar Smuckers packets.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:37 pm

To go with the schmuck?

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

So that was God down in that pit, putting the lotion on its skin? – Well, then, this suit deserves drycleaning!….

Jus_Wonderin October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

Bless his achey, breaky heart.

Mumbletypeg October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

Up until now, the idea of being American and believing in God were synonymous.

What rock have you been crouching under, hag? Unless by "believing in God", nominally it's understood, then we can make Him our scapegoat for all that's been fucked up in the New World since imperialist boors sent their bible-thumping envoys to pollute, decimate and sully things here in their *Gawd*'s name~

weejee October 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

Sally's been pwned by doG.

Gorillionaire October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

When I see that that Quinn gal stills writes a column for a major newspaper I always remember that "newspapers didn't commit suicide they slit their own throats whilst jumping off a cliff" business.

Weenus299 October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

I detect in Sally Quinn's writing an insane jealousy of the other drunken butterfly, the one we call Pegs.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

Nooningshire gobbled Reagan with the engorging lubriciousness of her speechwriting, and still humps his ghost with her mawkish prose. Silly Sally sits and spins on old Ben Bradlee. The better strategy might be keeping your pants on, depending on your objective, but it's hard to argue Nooner's objective was to be taken seriously.

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

When Mitt Romney mentioned the “Creator” in the debate Wednesday, he owned it.

Jesus, he owns God? That fucker is even richer than I knew. Watch out God, you're going to China.

FNMA October 5, 2012 at 11:14 am

Or tie God to the top of the family truckster and head to Wally World.

UnholyMoses October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

Angels will be outsourced to India.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

"Watch out God, you're going to China. "

Or the Caymans.

kittensdontlie October 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

Like beer, you can't own it, you can only rent it.

prommie October 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

Fundie fuckbags are very very very possessive of 'their" god, and they always use some kind of first person possessive pronoun when speaking of 'their" deity. Jesus is "their" personal savior and they freak me the fuck out when they ask me if I have accepted Him as "My" personal savior. They think God is just totally obsessed with them personally like a teenage girl. Its fucking childish and narcissistic and stuuuuuupiiiiiiiiid and all fucked up as a way of looking at the world.

DCBloom October 5, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I could just hug that comment

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm

And there's something about the way they say "Jesus", like he's their cousin or something, that's very annoying and disrespectful.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:55 am

No more priests in confessionals; just iPads FaceTiming to Bangalore.

jesus_vs_gojira October 5, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"Your confession is very important to us. If your sin is venial, press 1. If your sin is mortal, press 2."

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"He says he's 'Father O'Brien', but he looks and sounds like my Internist Dr. Patel!"

HistoriCat October 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"No, I am sorry good sir – I mean son. I am not Indian, I am from Chicago. My family is Italian."

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"Or say the name of your sin… because frankly, we kinda get off on that"

prommie October 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Thank God fucking is just venial.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Natch; If you follow the Church's teaching on birth control, fornication has its own "reward".

LibertyLover October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

We’ve got the Creator in our Declaration of Independence. We’ve got “In God We Trust” on our coins. We’ve got “one nation under God” in our Pledge of Allegiance.

But it ain't in the Constitution and that's what really matters!
Dang. Lost my snark again. If anyone sees it, could you roll it back this way?

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

Two of those didn't occur until the 20th Century, she might have added.

LibertyLover October 5, 2012 at 11:49 am

But that's an inconvenient truth…

Goonemeritus October 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

“We’re all children of the same God,”

Well as long as by all you aren’t including the Belgian’s.

anniegetyerfun October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

Or the Dutch. Honestly, I have to stand by that.

PubOption October 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Certainly not the Dutch Reformed Church in South Africa.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

And what is "Dutch treat", if you please?
If you investigate, you will find that it's NO TREAT AT ALL!!
What about that, hengh??

eggsacklywright October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

"Bloody fat stupid Belgian bastards."

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

God banged my mom?

JustPixelz October 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

Wait 'til Jeebus comes back and the world lives by His rules. Help the poor!? The Xtians will think they're in Hell.

SorosBot October 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

Yeah well Ms Quinn, I don't believe in your silly fairy tails, and I vote.

Radiotherapy October 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

You said fairy tails. hehe

Katydid October 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

"Noting that most Democrats have finally accepted that it’s easier to wear American-flag lapel pins than to be branded unpatriotic…"

I remember the exact moment I chose to vote for Barry during the 2008 primaries over Hillary. There was a dust-up because some idiot noticed he didn't wear flag pins, and his response was that he didn't need no stinking empty gestures.

Since then, I have seen him with those stupid pins. so, you're absolutely right.

Also too, I tried to upfist this story, but realized you can't upfist stories. We should be able to. Well done, as always, Doc, well done.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"Noting that most Democrats have finally accepted that it’s easier to wear American-flag lapel pins than to be branded unpatriotic…"

This, or something a whole lot like it, is an issue that I've never quite resolved.
Back when The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything was still my live-in boyfriend, I was venting about somebody at work (back when I had a job) who was a big asskisser.
Me: And management just LOOOVVVES Bob, not because his work is any great shakes, but because he knows how to make all the right noises.
Him: So why aren't YOU making them?

To this day, I don't have an answer for that.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"I remember the exact moment I chose to vote for Barry during the 2008 primaries over Hillary. There was a dust-up because some idiot noticed he didn't wear flag pins, and his response was that he didn't need no stinking empty gestures."

Politics, and maybe acting, are unique among professions, because they're dependent upon being popular with other people.

If I want to paint, or write, or sing, or bulid a rocket to the moon in my back yard, I can do that all day long, and even if everybody hates me and thinks I suck, I don't care. I can still do it, because it's not up to anybody else to "let" me do it. But if I want to be a politician, I have to be at least popular enough for a plurality (if not a majority) to vote for me, and that means a certain built-in amount of pandering.

thebeatgoeson October 6, 2012 at 9:20 am

I had the same response – I was looking for the "upfist button" for a moment. We SHOULD be able to upfist stories!

Weenus299 October 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

But yeah, Barry should wear god like a cheap cologne, because that's fucking important in all these God-Damned believers out there.

PsycWench October 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

Part of claiming your citizenship is claiming a belief in God, even if you are not Christian
Fucking come here and make me, then. The entire PsycWench household is atheist and no one has refused our tax money yet.

boobookitteh October 5, 2012 at 11:12 am

That may well be the most unAmerican statement I have ever read or heard ever in my life. Ever. What a fucking tool.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:58 am

Startlingly offensive.

Lot_49 October 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

Because hey Jews, you don't really believe God stopped after penning the OT, do ya? Fess up.

If you don't, it might be time for the Inquisition again. We'll stoke the fires with the corpses of atheists and muslins.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

Interesting. I wonder if she realizes she just made the case for evading your taxes on a non-religious ground?

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I think even the "Making shit up as we go along" faction of SCOTUS would laugh you out of the courthouse if you cited Sally Quinn in your oral argument.

BlueStateLibel October 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

She will come to your house and read her dull pious columns to you until out of sheer boredom you convert.

NellCote71 October 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

Gitmo libel.

Mittaplasia October 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

I'm an old poor heathen so I guess I'm just fucked.

thatsitfortheother1 October 5, 2012 at 11:37 am

Stop Mittaplasia in its tracks; vote for the cure on Nov. 6th.

Mailed my ballot today. That work?

Mittaplasia October 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

That'll do it. Mail tomorrow's ballot tomorrow also too.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm

At least you won't be disappointed in the end.

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

Okay, I read it….must be the season….must be the season…

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

Begun, the War On Christmas has

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Um , I was channeling Donovan….too old?…

barto October 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

Now if he could just own his goddam tax returns…

JustPixelz October 5, 2012 at 11:12 am

An atheist could never get elected dog catcher, much less president.

Holy fuck! I haven't been voting in the dog catcher election.

The Repubicans have added a strict voter ID requirement for dog catcher voting. "To stop fraud," they said.

Santorum for Dog Catcher 2016!

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Santorum's already a catcher, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 11:13 am

An atheist could never get elected dog catcher, much less president.

I submit that there's been plenty of atheist Presidents, including our current one, just none with the balls to admit it.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

There have also been no Jewish or Buddhist presidents. I wonder how Israel and China feel about that?

Also, true story: Abe Lincoln claims he never found Christ until after Gettysburg. This includes burying a son.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. " — Lincoln

Didn't someone mention Lincoln during the debates? And, as far as we know, Lincoln actually existed.

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

That's why God, in his divine providence, drove that bullet into Lincoln's head.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Lincoln continued, "So good! So good! I got you!!…HEYY!!"

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

If only he'd appointed a Cabinet Member in Charge of Throwing a Cape Over His Shoulders, the bullet might have hit that guy instead of Lincoln.

dcjdjay October 5, 2012 at 11:13 am

Looks like she and Peggy Noonan have been scissoring.

She's caught her bug for horrid prose and even nastier content.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 5, 2012 at 11:15 am

If Obama wants to win the next debate, he needs to wear God, as much as it offends him to do so, the same way he captured the flag for this one.

He prays to Mecca five times a day. How much more can he do?

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

And kisses Soros's rings!

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:03 pm

spit-laugh

zumpie October 5, 2012 at 11:15 am

Ummm, Mittens's one, fairly small win just got wiped out by a good jobs report (and his own stupid flip flopping to grab some attention). When we had a disappointing report in July, Mittens insulted England. I'm thinking the God likes Barry a whold lot more!

Lot_49 October 5, 2012 at 11:15 am

Richard Cohen's still on the WaPo op-ed page, so all is not lost!

SayItWithWookies October 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

An atheist could never get elected dog catcher, much less president. (Democratic Rep. Pete Stark of California is a nontheist but doesn’t talk much about it).

It takes a real freakin' genius to say something with as much conviction as Quinn does and then absolutely and wholly contradict it in the very next sentence (which should be the same sentence, since parenthetical asides are really aspects of the thought they're aside to, as it were). It must be a pleasure to stand in the bright glare of Sally Quinn's staggering inconsistent brilliance.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm

They must hand out welder's goggles in Georgetown.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"the very next sentence (which should be the same sentence, since parenthetical asides are really aspects of the thought they're aside to, as it were)"

I see what you did (there).

prommie October 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

All that shit in the pledge and on the currency and all was added hundreds of years after the founders by fuckbag zealots. "Under God" was only added to the pledgeallegiance, which is itself an abomination and would be seen as such by people like Ben Franklin, in the fucking 50s so we could hate the godless commies for being godless. I hate everything about what the fucking fundie christians have done to twist history on this shit. See, also, Treaty with Tripoli from like 1790, for mind blowingness.

UnholyMoses October 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

Oh, you and your elitist "history" …

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2012 at 11:36 am

Ben Franklin might hate it (therefore so shall I) but Betsy Ross would just be so thrilled at the allegiance she has garnered what with all her sewing finesse, just like Dolly Madison would be for the love of Zingers. I know, boooooo. I am punnerific on no sleep, but since I am borderline punchy, I'ma have to wait to be blown by Tripolitan Treaties when you can read them to me like Elizabeth Montgomery, after the Voltaire.

prommie October 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

I still owe you some Eisenhower speeches, too. Good thing we have 3 days.

prommie October 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

Here's a taste of Ike. They'd put him in Guantanamo and waterboard him right next to Stress-Positioned Jesus, if he showed up in politics today:

"Disarmament, with mutual honor and confidence, is a continuing imperative. Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose. Because this need is so sharp and apparent I confess that I lay down my official responsibilities in this field with a definite sense of disappointment. As one who has witnessed the horror and the lingering sadness of war — as one who knows that another war could utterly destroy this civilization which has been so slowly and painfully built over thousands of years — I wish I could say tonight that a lasting peace is in sight."

BeefHardcake October 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

Snarkless:
That Jesus-tattoo-painting thing is fucking awesome.

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

That would be from the Stephen Sawyer collection

Yes. McNaughton made that list. Twice.

jodyleek October 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

I only hope I can purchase one painted on velvet.

DCBloom October 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Is it just me or does he look suspiciously like Eddie Vedder?

UnholyMoses October 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

So if atheists = NOT AMERICAN, then Pastafarians are all good.

Praise the FSM! May you all be touched by his noodly appendage (but not in your naughty place).

In his name we pray for beer volcanos,

Ramen!

actor212 October 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

He touched me on the penne!

proudgrampa October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

Ramen.

And, Moses, may YOU be touched by his noodly appendage.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

Ramen, bucc'neer! Pasta be with you!

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"In his name we pray for beer volcanos"

Beer? With macaroni?
That really IS heresy!
Should be *chianti* volcanoes.

ETA: I can't believe I didn't remember to say this when I originally posted, but:
Anathema Marinara!

UnholyMoses October 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

But I thought Mormons weren't real Christians.

Guess the rules change if the Mormon in question is being compared to a blah.

MosesInvests October 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

A blah who *is*, in fact, a real Christian.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

Why is this adulterous bitch who slept her way into her current station writing about religion, and daring to lecture every citizen about what they better goddamned well believe? Yes, Silly Sally, I noticed Mitt's "children of the same God" comment, and was very offended. Does it occur to your dumb socialite brain that Mitt's presumptuousness alludes to the unfortunate tendency of Mormons to decide everyone else's religion after they die? Truly, you are a risible and infuriating cunt.

Oblios_Cap October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

I thought that service brought citizenship, not a belief in a magical sky fairy.

I'm confused.

weejee October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

We all find spirituality in our own way.

/ hey it was either Little Richard (as a young) or one of those Hubble photos (as an olde).

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Thank you.
Old videos of Little Richard are always good exercise, because I can never watch more than a minute of any of them without springing out of my chair like somebody fired a rocket up my butt and dancing around the room like a crazy person (usually right around the part when the guy in the backup band jumps up and starts playing the sax solo on top of the piano).

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

OK, so of course, this made me click on "Long Tall Sally", and about 10 seconds in, I get a pop-up ad saying "Romney or Obama?"

You guys figure there are very many Romney supporters watching Little Richard videos on youtube?

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

What the fuck, WaPo might as well let Rielle Hunter write an ethics column.

proudgrampa October 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

You know who else should write an ethics column?

PugglesRule October 5, 2012 at 12:13 pm

John Edwards? Jack Welch? Bernie Madoff?

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Fifty Shades of White"

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Fifty Shades of Cray-Cray

horsedreamer_1 October 7, 2012 at 12:52 am

The Ballad of Kim & Kanye.

StealthMuslin October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

Could God make the rocks in Sally Quinn's head so heavy He can't lift them?

Guppy October 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

My creator is Prometheus.

KeepFnThatChicken October 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

85% of the electorate may believe in god, but 93% of American scientists don't. And they are constantly working on ways to make liquor stronger.

Radiotherapy October 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

And we all know that the GOP has held the moral high ground, the keys to the kingdumb of Allah and Jeebus since at least Karl Rove started farting up the place.

TribecaMike October 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

I had to read this twice before realizing it wasn't about Maureen Dowd.

Indiepalin October 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

As I am currently dating a witch, I'm looking forward to Ms. Quinn's take on cunniligus.

prommie October 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

Did someone mention Colonel Angus?

ph7 October 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Nice p-score. My guess is you dutifully served a tour in Breibartland.

MosesInvests October 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

How do you know she's a witch?

Indiepalin October 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

She claims to be a nationally known high-priestess in the Wiccan movement. I was hoping that maybe she could score some decent weed but I'm probably dreaming

MosesInvests October 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Ah. I thought maybe she turned you into a newt.

La_Cieca October 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

Can you be quiet please? The adulteress is talking.

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:48 am

Merit is really tough. Blowies are really easy! Like Quinner, here.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2012 at 11:27 am

The dogcatcher in my town is an atheist. In your face, Sally Quinn!

Esteev October 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

Those poor puppies…

thatsitfortheother1 October 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

Sally Quim.

Blueb4sinrise October 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

What does Jeebus say about whether we should pass a special bond to fix city streets?

PubOption October 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Render unto the Cayman Islands that which is Caesar's.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Excellent.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

"Obama should take the opportunity at the next debate to let the Holy Spirit come over him and begin speaking in tongues."

I'm picturing Obama as David Byrne doing "Once in a Lifetime" in that concert movie.

kyeshinka October 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

If Obama doesn't pull off this reelection, I may find myself living in a shotgun shack. With a beautiful wife.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I think we'd all better find ourselves living in another part of the world.

MosesInvests October 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Same as it ever was.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

Everything Quinn writes is driven by Barack and Michelle Obama's disdain for wasting evenings chit-chatting and clinking glasses with the likes of Sally Quinn. I don't know what the fuck that has to do with "religion."

anniegetyerfun October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

Blessed are the homewreckers.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Way to work a shiv!

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:30 am
tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

As you may or may not already know, the young white lady in that picture who is yelling in such an ugly way later went to the African American young lady (by this time they were both middle-aged women), apologized, and asked to be forgiven.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Yep.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

In answer to your question yesterday, Dok, it's because of morons like Sally Quinn!!

Doktor Zoom October 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

HAR!

There is an endless supply of provocation, isn't there?

LibrarianX October 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

As told by a shiny Gold Plate. From the hills of New York. Buried in a stone box. Translated from their original "reformed Egyptian" language. Or a box of Chablis. I forget which.

anniegetyerfun October 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

Um, is it true what Wikipedia says about Sally and her mother being simultaneously sexually assaulted by Strom Thurmond?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

If it's on Wikipedia it has to be true.

Now which one you Wonketteers did it?

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I would think they would have been a little too…
Now what is the word I'm looking for?
White…
for Strom's taste.
But then again, I get the feeling that if it moved, he would try to schtup it.

fuflans October 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm

i just saw that and was going to ask WTF???

that's some southern gothic right there.

arduinohacker October 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

Awfully preachy for a woman that broke up a family.

Also, wasn't she the one that drank a bottle of Quik-Lax and then hopped on a taxi? Woman doesn't even know how to poo.

En_Buenora October 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

Oddly enough, Jefferson in the Declaration didn't specify *which* Creator we had.

And Quinn (like so many others) is too stupid and lazy to know the Enlightenment tradition followed by that statement in asserting *a priori* that certain rights are inherent to humans *qua* humans, and are not given these by governments or by any other human.

It is not a Biblical reference, but a statement of Philosophy, "Our Creator" being in this sense no different than saying Our Nature or By the Universe.

Doktor Zoom October 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

I happen to know, from a careful study of the Navajo Creation Story, Diné Bahane' , that Jefferson definitely meant First Man and First Woman, who came into existence in First World, and then Coyote guided them through Second, Third, and Fourth World (our current world), and then they eventually brought forth Asdzą́ą́ Nádleehé, the first human, who fathered the Hero Twins.

I also insist that this be taught in science classes.

Generation[redacted] October 5, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I have heard stories about guy named Jesus who was guided to our world by a coyote.

vtxmcrider October 6, 2012 at 12:01 am

But I had always read that Mary Magdalene was a cougar.

kyeshinka October 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

Well, no Holly for Miss Quinn today. (Any other Enya fans anymore?)

PubOption October 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I have not heard that track in a long time.

MosesInvests October 5, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I like her version of the old Quaker hymn "How Can I Keep From Singing."

When tyrants tremble in their fear, and hear their death-knells ringing,
When friends rejoice, both far and near, how can I keep from singing?

MonkeyMotion October 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

Oh fer fucks sake, can't all these goddamn religious shits just lock themselves up in a church somewhere, pray to their stupid gods alone, AND LEAVE THE REST OF US IN PEACE?

(Sorry, no mood for snark.)

mavenmaven October 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

I'll definitely vote for the candidate who can produce an appearance by God at a debate. Until then, I'll stick with issues, justice and morality.

calliecallie October 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

"Part of claiming your citizenship is claiming a belief in God, even if you are not Christian…"

That is just fucking offensive.

C_R_Eature October 5, 2012 at 11:56 am

We will not have a truly free exercise of religion in America until Pastafarians are allowed to wear their religious headgear in public without fear.

TribecaMike October 5, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Old colanders never die, they just can't take the strain anymore.

C_R_Eature October 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I doff my Strainer to your Terrible Pun.

TribecaMike October 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

All fruits ripe, mon.

red_kira October 5, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'd do the hawt guy with the "Father" tattoo. Yee-ouch!

MiniMencken October 5, 2012 at 12:04 pm

This is from the deep thinker who in 1973 achieved an early form of intra-media stardom by telling a group of editors, "It doesn't hurt to be blond."

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I'm finding this remarkably easy to masturbate to…
but would Biker Jesus approve?
I'm confused now.
::fap::??

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Obama compounded his error by missing the chance to call “shotgun.”"

While this is *technically* true, according to the Official Debate Rules [tm] that are hidden in a famous place with other important stuff that you have to go down a long hallway while spy movie music plays to find…
Obama the chess-playing guy realizes that he is blah, and a blah guy calling "shotgun" will make all the folks in television land drop dead of fright — so he didn't, because he's just considerate that way.

bobbert October 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

"Pistol-grip pump" would work,also, too.

Living in Joy October 5, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Was Sally Quinn the one having the affair with Ben Bradlee while he was still married? If so, I just love pious, self-righteous, religious people.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I'm afraid that's a faulty interpretation of scripture.
God as a "wrap" is not the mink stole kind of wrap; he is a fresh whole wheat tortilla kind of wrap, with black beans, spinach, tomato, avocado, and *three* kinds of cheese (hence, the Holy Trinity).

finallyhappy October 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Yes, it was 1975 so a long time ago- Bitch Sally Quinn lived across the street from me on 21st street in DC. She lived in a fancy house- I lived in a crappy house "converted" into apartments(mine was like something in just post WWII europe according to some friends). Ben Bradlee would say Hello to people, Sally Quinn would ignore everyone and always backed her car up the street because doing what everyone else had to do(drive the legal way) was not for her.

Chet Kincaid_ October 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Billy Ray Cyrus is Our Lord in…
"Jay Cee, Nashville Superstar"

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I know exactly three things about Billy Ray Cyrus:
1. He did that achy breaky song.
2. His daughter is Miley Cyrus.
3. He was quoted as saying, "I was born with a mullet, and I'll die with a mullet."

Of these three, the last is my favorite.

PhilippePetain October 5, 2012 at 12:55 pm

From Ayn Rand to that 50 Shades column, there seems to be a mindset in winger women that goes something like "Worship the dominating superhero he-man, a man who seeks partnership and fairness is weak."

It really is Neitzcheism at its worst. Anyone into the S&M type of shit, please excuse me. This isn't judgment on that really. The mindset seems to pervade all other avenues of life for these people, and yeah, the 50 Shades shit opens that up to vast swaths of American life.

Love your subjugation.

That's what this is really about. And tons of people are on board.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Stockholm Syndrome. Apparently, it works for economics, too.

OneYieldRegular October 5, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Not even Christ would have forgiven a column that bad.

tessiee October 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

"When Mitt Romney mentioned the “Creator” in the debate Wednesday, he owned it. “We’re all children of the same God,” he said."

I don't claim to be an expert on Mormons and their beliefs — but isn't one of the most basic tenets of their religion that they are speshul, the elect, that their God is better than everybody else's God, and that we are NOT all children of the same God?
Or is Sally Quinn just a dumb-ass, in addition to being a bigoted old slut?

rickmaci October 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Why does Jeezuzz look like Tim Tebow?

Smithboy October 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

GW Bush, our last tyrannical Christian started two unnecessary wars that resulted in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, several thousand American soldiers and to date have wounded over 30,000….and this superstitious home wrecker is going to tell me a Mormon Republican who is itching to bomb Iran, is in touch with God more so than evil Obama? Yeah right!

Gleem McShineys October 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

For people who apparently have an entire Deity in their back pockets, they sure require a lot of constant reaffirmation about this subject, don't they?

fuflans October 5, 2012 at 11:44 pm

it would be better is mitt was talking about 'children of men'.

gurukalehuru October 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Never should have let them put that shit on the money.

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