Dry Your Eyes, Wonkers, Here Is Your Precious Fightin’ President

  and zingers and such


Now you can put down the razor blade, take the hose out of the gas pipe, un-noose yourself … and, er, all the other ghastly ways the Virgin Suicides suicided themselves. We’re sorry B. Barry Bamz was a little boring last night, but for sweet Jesus’s sake, he wasn’t that bad. You are all acting like a Dem parody with your defeat-snatching and your waaah. Now buck the fuck up, you tedious shitstains, and get a little love in your heart.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

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205 comments

    1. actor212

      He didn't have to show up.

      Look, if you could go to your job and think about how much you're going to bang your wife hard, as opposed to actually doing work, you'd be all "hands over your zipper" too and not paying attention.

      He didn't have to be there, so he wasn't. No biggie

    2. JaceWyatt

      Hell, all the lies Mitt was spewing last night I think everyone got a little dizzy.

      Also, too, Syria and Turkey aren't too happy these days.

      1. MosesInvests

        Yeah, if I had to worry about Turkey invoking the NATO Charter to pull the US into a war with Syria, which could then get the Russians involved, I might be a little off my game in a debate, too. Also.

    3. kittensdontlie

      And the world will be a better place…
      If you want the world to know, Barry won't let hatred grow…
      Get a little love in your heart.

    4. Isyaignert

      Some say the high altitude got to Obama and the moderator. I've been to Colorado and it you're not used to it, you are wiped out by 6PM.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        With Ken, it was always, like, “Here's a fired up speech that doesn't matter since the world is going to end next week anyway. Enjoy.”

    1. finallyhappy

      Tedious shitstains is going to be the name for my band- made up of my fellow and sister seniors.

  1. Knightro829

    "Buck the fuck up you tedious shitstains" may be the greatest phrase ever conceived. I salute your rhetorical genius, madam.

  2. FakaktaSouth

    This is all I could ask, PresO, talk to him like this TO HIS STUPID COLOR CHANGING FACE. Do it. You'll like it. I know I will.

  3. Hammiepants

    I KNOW!!! Everybody's acting like he pissed his pants up there! So Mitten's human chip was activated, big deal, he's still a smarmy prevaricating asswipe. Also, "undecided voters"? SACK THE FUCK UP. What the hell are you waiting for? Trial by fire? One of them to rescue a virgin from a dragon? WHAT? Put on your freaking DECIDIN' pants.

    1. RaflcaFlkaFlame

      My family and I have come to the conclusion that undecideds are really just people who have been yearning to be on TV, and well, they got it!

    2. Esteev

      I think that human chip wasn't properly calibrated. His closing remark sounded like a recording.

  4. YouBetcha

    Stop trying to NOT be the angry black man that teabaggers say you are, Barry. Less civilized and thoughtful remarks, more swagger.

    1. Serfville

      Thank you, I just had an epiphany. Maybe it's that tape they are playing 24/7 on Faux News of Prez in 2007.

    2. MissNancyPriss

      It must be freaking hard, though. Don't be TOO angry/don't be a pussy. Be witheringly smart/don't be condescending. Get all your facts across/don't be a dick. Christ on a cross, it sucks being the first black president.

      1. Negropolis

        Christ on a cross, it sucks being the first black president.

        Only if you let it, and he's let it far too often. He wasn't elected to be Black Dude in Chief, he was elected Commander-in-Chief, and he should act like it more often, and that means not giving a fuck how you come across to every sensitive nook-and-cranny of the country so long as you're getting the goddamn job done.

        I'm tired of the "Being the first black president is hard, y'all!" excuse. He's not Jackie Robinson. This isn't a game. He's not hitting a ball with a stick, he's fuckin' POTUS, for goodness sake. Act like it.

        Sorry. I'm just really peeved at the excuses made for fucking up all the damned time.

  5. SorosBot

    Was everyone else watching the same debate I was? Because I just saw Romney acting like a total dick, and yet everyone else seems to think he won the debate even though to me he came off horribly.

    1. IncenseDebate

      I asked my daughter who is in college and has never really been very interested in politics what she thought and she said she thought Romney was rude to the moderator and jumpy. So, you know, she's probably close to the reaction of a lot of people who don't follow these things as closely as us pathetic tedious shitstains.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Remember how The Right creamed themselves when Newt was a fucking dick to the moderators in a couple of debates during the Repub primaries? Being a fucking dick = wins debate in American politics.

      2. SorosBot

        According to the idiots in charge of our mainstream media at least; of course these are the same people that claimed W was likeable when he always came across as a fratboy douche and bully that most people would hate in real life.

        Our media just loves dicks.

        1. La_Cieca

          Well, if you look at how the mainstream media behave in public (i.e., yelling, yelling, yelling) then you will see why they so warmed to Romney's appearance last night. Basically, he was acting like Chris Matthews. What could be more impressive than that?

        2. CommieDad

          True story: Friend of mine was in DC and went to visit the white house. As he happened to be with a friend who used to work for Dubya, he got invited up to see him. He ended up "hanging out" with him for a few hours. Bush came off, well, how you would expect. The whole time my friend was thinking, "doesn't this guy have something better to do then hang out with us?" He said trying to keep a straight face was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      I'm with you. I didn't think Mitt was any good at all, he couldn't even say their stupid phrases right and he didn't say stuff that he'd been saying before. He said he liked Dodd Frank, it just wasn't implemented? And his crew LIKES this? They really have no idea WHAT he is saying when he speaks words, they like smirks.

      1. BoroPrimorac

        His crew wouldn't care if he pissed on a bible as long as he is loud and mean to the negro in chief.

    3. RaflcaFlkaFlame

      I think the two of us were watching the same debate. The only thing I took out of Mitt's performance is that even after 7 years of practicing, he gets agitated easily and is extremely smug.

    4. cousinitt

      Same here, a really pathetic performance. Dude's face got red and that mouth spittle–looked more like Frankenmitt.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I kept yelling about his cottonmouth too, it was icking me out. You could see his lips getting all stuck to his teeth and I mean hell, even Miss SouthCarolina knows to put vaseline on your teeth a'fore ya goes on stage dumbass.

    5. Hammiepants

      I thought the same thing. He was just a smirking lying douchebag, so SSDD. Move along, nothing to see here.

    6. UnholyMoses

      I think most of the media people — and even many on the left, for that matter — were expecting Mitt to just stumble and bumble and be the clueless, callous dipshit he has shown himself to be the past few months. From Europe, to special events with rich folks, to the campaign trail, he's been a massively ignorant buffoon.

      So Mittens comes out and starts to cite studies and disavows all the crazy shit he's been saying, while Obama looks like he'd rather be passing a kidney stone.

      Plus: Dems can't fight back. When they do, they're being meanie head partisans. When the GOP does it, they're just being tough and standing on principle. Add in "ANGRY BLACK MAN!" syndrome that people get when Obama talks tough, and the guy was kinda screwed, no matter what.

      Thankfully, Romney lied so damn much even his own people are walking back shit he said. So not sure this will have the impact most think.

      Or, non tl;dr: Mittens not sacrificing a Poorz on stage while cooking up grannie on a rotisserie = WIN!!

        1. UnholyMoses

          Yeah, I'm not sure what to think 'bout that.

          It was stupid to go after something so damn beloved in this country. Last time they tried it, it backfired in ways no one imagined. You just don't fuck with Big Bird!!

          But it's stupid our country will get riled up about that, but not 9% unemployment or massive income inequality or the destruction of this wet rock we call home or failing schools or a million people who went bankrupt each year because they got sick or roads falling apart and bridges collapsing or the loss of good-paying jobs we used to have for those w/out college degrees or …

          Well, you get the idea.

          Only time will tell, I guess …

        2. cousinitt

          Mitt's the kind of stuck-up twit who would push a live turkey out of a helicopter to the poors below to prove how much he CARED about the folks who are just, you know, really seriously HURTING.

          1. dinkybossetti

            Maybe wild turkeys can, but not the turkeys most of us eat. We've screwed them up so royally that they can't even procreate anymore without human intervention!

          2. viennawoods13

            And being much older than you, I remember it from the actual premiere of the series! Yes I am an oldz.

    7. OneYieldRegular

      I thought Mitt looked positively Bachmanneyezed, like he'd consumed belladonna backstage.

    8. Geminisunmars

      I think the basic talking heads complaint was that Bamz didn't refute Rmoney when he spoke the shit he did. I think the problem was that the Prez did his practicing with John Kerry standing in for RM, the reasoning being that Kerry is from Mass and is rich, so of course he'd be just like RM. Couldn't they find a shapeshifting douchebag for Bamz to practice with?

      1. fuflans

        i must confess that was my complaint too. i wanted him to call romney a liar – and not by saying sasha and malia are often liars.

        which they probably aren't.

        1. Geminisunmars

          I found it bizarre that he essentially called all his sons liars. I hope they havea talk with the old man.

          1. PubOption

            They knock on doors, and claim they have the path to salvation. Eventually they will get someone to believe them.

          2. Isyaignert

            He also called them "boys" yet the youngest is 34 years old. By comparing Obama to his "boys" he ended up calling Obama a lying boy (a racist term) to placate the haters which are the majority of Rmoney's base.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Thank you Puggles, that was very informative. That explains a lot, including many of the comments. As pointed out in one of them, it is a bullying technique. I hope there is an effective counter to it. Although who knows what technique Rmoney will use next time.

    9. Mojopo

      I honestly thought Mitt looked wasted. I don't know what he took, but he took something. His eyes were glassy and weird, he was sweaty-ish, jumpy, and he had cottonmouth. Ephedra? I'd give your left nut to have someone ask Mitt at some meet-and-greet if he was on something for the debate. I'd love to see his micro-expression.

      1. ChuckieJesus

        Ahhhh good ol white crosses. If his pee smells like cat piss afterwards, that's a sure sign.

        1990s, you taught me so much.

    10. PhilippePetain

      Yeah, basically the punditry have declared it a win for Romney, so everyone's like "Well, I guess I'm supposed to say it was a win for Romney" and they are. I mean am I the only idiot on the planet that actually wants to see a president capable of giving two minute wonkish answers on policy, who has the patience to think before turning on a smirk and going for the kill?

      It seems like the reviews that are in today are from a different planet. Granted I was a tad on the shitty side of a twelve pack last night, but I can't imagine that anyone sees Mitt's death rictus smile and says "Well that's a winner there, by God…"

  6. ForemostFelon

    Christ. Finally someone with common sense, calm, reluctance to go for easy hyperbole in hysterics and it's…….you? I'll take it. Good on ya, kid. If I could write as well, that's what I'd say.

    Obama was merely boring and sounded exhausted. Romney – like all wannabe bullies – misconstrued civil discourse as weakness and shot down his own tax plan and lied about the previous condition clause again. So bad, his own campaign had to correct that to the media immediately after: under Romney, the states, somehow, will take care of that. So: Romney's federal plan will not. Lie or incompetence?

    This whole campaign is a temper tantrum of the Third Rate White Man (I'm Fifth rate…) who have lost all status and network connections they've had for so long. Women are better educated and valuable and over half the work force; former 'ethnics' and minorities are often better workers, motivated, and educated. And then there's this black guy in the White House in the media rubbing their face in their own crapulence just by being there.

    Their mental world and mythology are shot. They think it would be better – or they'd feel better – if another white guy – even one so entirely against the interest of the Middle Class because he cannot define it – was back in the West Wing. They don't, literally, understand they have far more in common with Obama than with Romney.

    That's why racism sucks.

    1. Caelan Aegana

      "Obama was merely boring and sounded exhausted"

      This is what I kept thinking over and over when Obama let Romney's lies/misconstructions/flip-flopping go unchallenged. The guy just looked overtrained. I've seen Obama make snappy, funny and stingingly accurate comebacks, but he just utterly failed at this during the debate. Either he wasn't really listening to Romney – unlikely – or he'd been overpracticing his own vetted responses and was too afraid to veer away. Debates are supposed to be off-the-cuff, and this whole painful episode felt scripted on Obama's side and overinflated on Romney's.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Dunno but I still remember how much it sucked, kicking the bad hopium addiction I got last time from hanging with Barry O in '08. Not sure if I wanna pick that pipe up again.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      It inevitably ends in a tragic "Hey! Check this out!" moment, I'd say. Tragic for the manatee, that is; the fuckheads who bother them are free to take a long shopping cart ride off a short pier.

      Remember, this is a nation where, after the Financial Crisis, one of the first new rules written was for banks to make absolutely sure that borrowers could pay their loans back. Correct me if I'm wrong, but we learned that in kindergarten.

  7. chascates

    Romney better wear his best magic underwear to the next debate because Barry is going to be like a chainsaw. I hope!

  8. RaflcaFlkaFlame

    Again, everyone get off your keisters! Go canvass, go vote. I'm glad some republicans at least got to smile for one night (and one night only), as they were all on the verge of suicide for the last few months.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    TAGGED: "AND ZINGERS AND SUCH"

    The new buzzword of the election/ debate season has never had me jonesing for a Dolley Madison® snack cake this much in my entire life. I am transformed again into a twelve year old, peeling off the thick, solid icing layer of a chocolate ZINGER™ and downing that before even getting to the cakey part.

    Don't even insinuate to me the real reason I'm craving chocolate, now: I cannot even watch the video from work so there.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Oh that devil's food temptress, the black Zinger…

      When your cravings do finally meet with reality,and that cakey-like food reaches your not-twelve year old palate, it's sweet nothingness will leave you zingless and that alone should cure your addiction. I know, I have been down that road before.

  10. qwerty42

    Well, the Mittster did have an advantage of lying while our Barry only had, you know, facts and figures. Sullivan He did miss some softballs that Mitt could not have really answered, but I don't think he goes for that style.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Well, only one of 'em is tailored to the needs of a particular state…?

      Which was his Tenth Amendment name, again? I always forget.

  11. UnionAgitator

    Chris Matthews loaned him a shiv.

    Ad Age sez CNN's focus group wuz 100% southern rednecks.

    Ha Ha Ha:

    UPDATE: It turns out that CNN's poll was, shall we say, not representative of reality. CNN notes that 37% of respondents were Democrat and 33% were Republican, but as a commenter points out, a closer look shows that none of the respondents were under 50; all of them were white; all of them were from the South.
    http://adage.com/article/campaign-trail/poll-deba

    1. finallyhappy

      How does that happen – the only people who would answer their phones or some preselected crap?

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      Or make a huge gaffe. You never know with Joe, that's the scary part. He could make this worse.

      1. finallyhappy

        Why does anyone really think this matters? Who is swayed in voting by this? Are there really 100 people in the country who would change their vote over anything said in the debates? Short of something amazingly crazy-like Obama admitting his affair with Rebecca or RMoney admitting his affair with Rev. Wright

    1. Mittaplasia

      As the offspring of some corporation or another, Predator Drones are people, too, my friend.

  12. Boojum

    Fact checkers are all over Mitt. I thinkBarry was just thinking about Michelle too much. He'll be aiight.

  13. spareme

    I remain hopeful – anytime I see a lawyer writing on their little legal pad something is gonna happen. At their next debate, I hope he finishes Mitt off the way he did Trump last year.

  14. Nopantsmcgee

    Yeah, we all think of great comebacks AFTER we need them. Dumbass unicorn. Go study for next week and be prepared, Professor of Constituty Law Stuff, be prepared!

    1. Ruhe

      I'm wondering if maybe what he needs is less prep. I think he's probably got most of the pertinent facts at hand in that big brain of his and he'd handle himself better if he were just standing and delivering rather than trying to follow some game plan.

  15. ingloriousbytch

    It looks like Michelle broke him off an extra-sweet piece of sexy last night and woke him up good. Which is good because it made him stop emailing me for money.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Perhaps the campaign realized that maybe today wouldn't be the best day to try to convince us that money is going to make a difference?

  16. Goonemeritus

    Similarly I finally came up with a fool proof pickup line to convince Mary to be my senior prom date. I wonder what she has been up to for the last 40 years.

  17. DemmeFatale

    Everyone needs to calm the fuck down. (I'm looking at you, Sully and Tweety.)
    Most people are just waking up to the election, and are not as obsessive as we tedious shitstains are.
    On my first campaign, some of us were panicking about something or other, and this other worker, who had volunteered for JFK, told us to mellow out.
    I guess I'm that worker now.

  18. Caelan Aegana

    Honestly, the only thing I got out of the debate last night was from Romney's infuriatingly egositic repeated steamrolling of Lehrer. At least Obama let the guy finish his sentence when he warned him he was going over time, even if he just went right back to ignoring him.

    I think from now on, we should rig the candidates up to car batteries, and give the moderator two buttons. And I'm not just talking about time limits. Candidate avoids the premise of the question? Zap. Candiate tells a lie? Zapzap.

    Yeah, I would not be a humane moderator.

  19. dcjdjay

    Yeah, but he sucked real big last night.

    Yeah, people in America don't much like facts, but they sure as hell don't like a wimp.

    Last night Obama was that wimp. And that pissed me off.

  20. BlueStateLibel

    Mitt Rmoney = Wants to kill Big Bird.
    Obama = Helped kill Osama bin Laden.
    See the difference?

  21. Mittaplasia

    Evil zombie-baptizing culty weirdo conjured a batch of bad juju last night, but, luckily, that outsourced batch was made 'on the cheap', so Obama not only wakes up alive, but he seems somewhat pissed.

  22. DocChaos

    The Republicans will spend the week high fiving, chest bumping and butt-chugging the sweet wine of victory like Romney won the election last night, and then by the middle of next week, when a bunch of polls come out showing Obama still up 5, they'll go back to blaming each other for nominating the loser.

  23. CommieLibunatic

    I know, I know. If Barry is secretly as bitter as the rest of us at the infantile horde we call the 112th Congress, he is hiding it sublimely. And just as well that he does; remember, that is the same crowd that shrieked about socialism when he told a bunch of kids at a college to Be Cool and Stay in School.

    In that kind of environment, you can't just beat Mitt Romney with a croquette mallet until jobs come out, however much he may want to.

  24. pdiddycornchips

    "I will not cut taxes for the wealthy but I will give them a tax cut." " I will repeal Obamacare and replace it with the exact same thing" "We can't afford to fund PBS but we must subsidize oil companies even though they make billions in profits every quarter" "I have never said we shouldn't hire more teachers, I said we don't need to hire more teachers and that's different, somehow" "I expect everyone will believe me when I say shit that contradicts shit I said yesterday in front of different audience."

    I'm Mitt 2.0 and I approved of this message.

    (expected release date of Mitt 3.0, January 2013)

  25. MozakiBlocks

    The Axeman has already said that Barry will be "adjusting" his debate style for the next fandango.

    But Bary is always going to be more Morgan Freeman rather than Samuel L. Jackson.

  26. CommieDad

    The problem is that Barry was up all night dealing with an attack on a NATO ally. He does HAVE a day and night job, ya'know.

    1. Negropolis

      If he can't multi-task, he won't have to worry about attacks on NATO allies, because he'll find himself out of that job, let me tell you.

  27. Nopantsmcgee

    When Pawlenty went to the first Republican debate, he was viciously attacked because for months before he was sharply attacking Romney. Then at their first debate, he shrunk off in a corner and even tho practically begged to by the moderators…he didn't attack Mitt while on stage with him.

    I am reminded of that event watching Obama slowly shrink into his suit last night. I'm sorry Wonkette Overlords, you cannot turn this chicken shit into chicken salad. Only OBama can turn it around and even tho I am sure he's going to, it reminded me that our Unicorn isn't good at everything and really blew it last night.

  28. finallyhappy

    Christ almighty – what a bunch of wanking whiners here. You are all tedious shitstains- Rebecca is right. I'm not reading any more Whining.

  29. Trannysurprise

    Jesus. By the end of the debate last night I thought Andrew Sullivan was ready to jump off that chair, noose tight around his neck.

  30. JackObin

    The race is now a virtual dead heat, with Ohio now in plkay. Romney WILL win, and Obama is better off for not having to lead a nation of blitherting idiots.

  31. marechanden

    Fuck getting a little love in your heart. Get a little shoe leather on the street! Knock doors! Ring phones! Drive awful old farts to the polls! You think this shit's gonna win ITSELF?

    FIRED UP!

  32. ChickTract_Fil_A

    For every New Hope there's an Empire Strike Back. Now let''s Return of the Jedi our asses and get our Han Solo out of carbonite. Try and not get your Princess Lea tentacle-raped, OK?

  33. ttommyunger

    Righties on my FB ecstatic today about Mitt's monumental victory. There is not a spare straw in Georgia left un-grabbed.

  34. lulzmonger

    I didn't need to dry my eyes, because I didn't skip math class – & in the absence of a real epic fatal blow, it'd take about 20 of these dull-ass debates to ever get Elder Magick Gonch within sniffing range of a win. He keeps gibbering about 50% plus one of the vote like he's running for class president, but that's not actually how this clownshow works.

    Yeah, boy, what a disaster – I mean, it's not like he played the exact same rope-a-dope game with Walnuts in 2008 … oh, wait.

    What's weird to me is that Obama more or less comes right out & tells the GOP exactly how he's going to make them his bitch, like Babe Ruth calling his next home run – whereupon they immediately go shopping for a negligee & some Astroglide … WTF?

    Could the plan have been to get Romney to give the Dems more delicious ad-fodder for the home stretch? Because there was no shortage of DNC ammo last night: "I like regulation" from Willard sure jumped out for me, & I bet there were plenty of similar desperately-tacking-leftward doozies where that one came from (I only saw the last 20 minutes or so).

  35. DDDnewacctagain

    What really bugs me is that after I watched the first Gore/Bush debate, I thought Bush was going to have to drop out, it was such an embarrassment. Then all of sudden I hear the story is about Gore sighing through the thing. Republicans are vicious spin monsters; they will find a way to take you down, and the media totally adapts to it.

    If Romney had been the Democrat last night, the Republicans would have charged into the spin room with a common narrative of how "unbalanced" Romney looked, how tightly wound and on the verge of a nervous breakdown he was—not to mention how he had lied about everything. Sununu would have said he now saw what Ann Romney was so worried about. The story would have been completely different today. We just don't spin like that…and it was so easy to do. I can't believe how many left-leaning pundits think Romney was presidential and took charge…we're so frightened off by bullies. He was anything but presidential last night.

    Personally I went over the edge when Romney just lied and lied about pre-existing conditions. Obama DID challenge him on it, and so many other things, but everyone thinks he didn't…someone said today that Obama won in the transcript but lost on TV. If he had played the same script with more charisma, it could have been so much different.

    The opportunity Obama did miss was seeing how Romney was on the verge of exploding on the stage and needling him ever so slightly to put him over the edge. It's going to take a deft strategy to respond retroactively without looking like coulda-shoulda-woulda.

  36. Negropolis

    Now, if he'd just tell this to Romney's face, it'd all be good. I mean, it's not as if he's the motherfuckin' President of these United States, right?

    Mitt went and stole Barry's audacity for a night. I mean, he stole it to tell audacious lies, but Americans have always valued audacity more than they have truthfulness. Had America valued truth, the last Republican would should have had was Eisenhower.

    You can't implore us for months on end with the "urgency of now "to defeat Beast-Romney, and practically call the bastard a liar for his lies for those many months on end, and then get in the debate, and get all piss-shy and not cash the checks. He didn't just embarrass himself, but every supporter who put his or her neck out there defending him against bogus claims at every turn. You want this? Show us you want it. Consistently, and especially during the times it counts the most.

    There isn't a damned thing that could keep me from voting for this guy. If I could vote for him twice on the same day, I would. But, we're deep in these weeds as political people. You can't expect people who follow this shit on the fly to be impressed by lackluster performances. These debates aren't for us; they've never been. Hell, the debates aren't even about policy or those pesky facts. They are about the intangibles and immeasurables; they're about stagecraft and getting across visceral plays at emotions. I think we get caught in our bubbles in places like these and believe everyone should realize that Romney was lying his pants off. We believe such assumptions at our own peril.

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