Dry Your Eyes, Wonkers, Here Is Your Precious Fightin' President

Now you can put down the razor blade, take the hose out of the gas pipe, un-noose yourself ... and, er, all the other ghastly ways the Virgin Suicides suicided themselves. We're sorry B. Barry Bamz was a little boring last night, but for sweet Jesus's sake, he wasn't that bad. You are all acting like a Dem parody with your defeat-snatching and your waaah. Now buck the fuck up, you tedious shitstains, and get a little love in your heart.