Stunning Maine GOP Discovery: Dem Challenger Is Socialist Video Game Psycho

  but not second life because that would be lame

DANGER DANGERCitizens of Maine State Senate District 25, some grave news today: your Democratic candidate for office… has been on the computer. Possibly every day. Possibly… having a good time.

She plays World of Warcraft, you see. She plays it so good. And you know what THAT means: serious, disturbing sociopathic tendencies, obviously.

From the Maine GOP, which appears to be totally serious:

Colleen Lachowicz, the Democratic candidate for State Senate District 25 (Waterville), has been living a time-consuming double life as a member of the World of Warcraft community. World of Warcraft is an online gaming network where people play a fantasy role-playing game in an imaginary world called “Azeroth.”

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OH LORD, she plays a video game? Be still my heart! And to think, we almost elected her to office in the 41st most populous state in These Uniteds. Surely no Maine Republican would stoop so low as to have hobbies.

Oh, wait, the INCUMBENT REPUBLICAN has hobbies?

Whatever could they be? Let us creepily stalk State Sen. Thomas H. Martin Jr. on the Facebok, as he hath done to Colleen. Oooo, lookie here! One of his Facebook likes is “Get Naked.” What’s that organization into?

Get Naked provides entertainment for those interested in having a good time drinking, dancing and partying the night away.

Well, that is definitely less weird than playing a computer game. In the computer game, Ms. Lachowicz pretends to STAB PEOPLE. Oh, Martin likes “V-Town Paintball” on Facebook too? That’s different too. Stabbing people on the internet is way worse than shooting them in real life. We should discuss how she is unfit for office, especially compared to Mr. Get Naked Paintballer, who loves guns so much he wants them on license plates.

But there’s more! The sleuths over at the GOP have also discerned that Lachowicz has been posting like a common Communist on — get ready for it — Daily Kos. And they have some of her comments, which are vaguely hilarious when taken out of context. Take this one for example:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I may have to go and hunt down Grover Norquist and drown HIM in my bath tub.

Whoa whoa whoa. This lady sounds crrraaaazy! She wants to drown people in bathtubs! Even people who have reduced policy discussions to vague, stupid platitudes don’t deserve to die in bathtubs! But, surprisingly, this was not the whole comment, which we can find, because the internet is the same for everybody who isn’t North Korea.

I want a tax policy that allows our country to respond to people in need. I want a tax policy that puts the grown-ups in charge. I want a tax policy that addresses the inequities and racial disparities in our country. I want a tax policy that doesn’t leave the poor, sick and brown to fend for themselves. I want a tax policy that funds cities and addresses real known risks to our citizens.

Now is the time to demand this. The insanity has gone on long enough. Individuals like me and others can not respond like a funded and organized government effort. Now if you’ll excuse me, I may have to go and hunt down Grover Norquist and drown HIM in my bath tub.

Oh, man. It’s even worse than we thought — drowning people, and tax reasonableness. Income inequality?! WHO IS THIS MONSTER? We should be doubly irritated, too, that she has the nerve to go online and suggest crazy things like playing video games is more fun than work and how her WoW guild is — OH NO! — “progressive.” Just look how awful she is:

We’re progressive…in fact we joke about being a socialist guild. But the best part is that everyone does their job helping everyone else out. It’s not just about the [level] 80s helping each other. It’s about all our crafters making items for lower level guildies. Or crafting items and just sticking them in the guild bank for others to use. Or offering to help people out in quests.

You heard it here first, folks! Your Democratic candidate is jokingly an internet socialist, which means she helps disadvantaged gamers when they need it, which is obviously the opposite of America, and we should make a creepy website (“Colleen’s World”!) dedicated to her online exploits, to expose her awful imaginary generosity. FOR AMERICA. [Maine GOP]

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198 comments

    1. One_who_wanders

      I think most Wonkette posters are too jaded to be candidates, of course I could be projecting.

        1. Steverino247

          Explains my four defeats. Made the R's spend a shitload of money to beat me, though, and one of them is still in Federal prison. WIN!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      If she's posting on Kos, she's probably not ready for the big leagues of Wonkette-level snark. She may be more fit for public office that way, however.

        1. poorgradstudent

          It's okay. I will admit that playing video games does cut into my porn…I mean, reading time.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            I quit playing video games for the same reason I quit smoking dope, so many years ago. Just too time consuming. It wears you down, after awhile.

      1. YouFail4eva

        Hey, what's wrong with EVE? An upright capitalist game like that should be perfectly acceptable!

        1. Terry

          - Based in Iceland, which is full of foreigners, hippies, and people who eat rotten shark meat

          - Involves fighting with or against groups of teenagers from Eastern Europe and the former Soviet republics. Commies, obviously.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      I do read a fucking book. And I play WoW for 6 years now and have zero intention to stop. Go fuck a jellyfish.

  1. Lucidamente1

    "I may have to go and hunt down Grover Norquist and drown HIM in my bath tub. After which I will skullfuck him, the little retard."

    1. coolhandnuke

      Just don't use hydrochloric acid in the tub to dissolve the mess as Jesse found out in Breaking Bad.

  2. JudasPeckerwood

    Personally, I prefer to waste my time on the internet in the far superior World of Wonkette.

    1. AbandonHope_

      I'm a Level 50 Socialist Ne'er-do-well with a +4 Helmet of Random Obscenities and a Magical Sword of Sudden Ennui!

  3. Mumbletypeg

    Sometimes I'm jealous of the peeps who merely lead double lives.
    I would need higher multiples than that to accomplish all I want to do with my one life.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I may have to go and hunt down Grover Norquist and drown HIM in my bath tub.

    See? If she'da just hung out with us, she'd know she's s'posed to add "with votes." You can do ANYthing with votes.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Egads, the last thing I want in my bathtub with me is the Grover. That voice. Ew, he would ruin everything. "Erm, yer stepping on me there lady" Just drown (vote style) already little weird dude, you broke my country.

    1. Beowoof

      Hey since Grover wants to get rid of all taxes, let's just send him the bills for all that shit he likes, such as the military. Oh and for Grover, I am sorry but water would be more appropriate for him and hopefully the tub will be in Somalia.

  5. freakishlywrong

    Weird. The Progressive likes war games and the conservatard likes sexy-time party games. Does. Not. Compute.

  6. Baconzgood

    "It’s not just about the [level] 80s helping each other. It’s about all our crafters making items for lower level guildies. Or crafting items and just sticking them in the guild bank for others to use."

    I have no idea what she's talking about.

    1. Esteev

      I don't play (I don't!) but, in other words, the high level (rich) characters help the lower level (poors) for the betterment of their entire "guild," or gang.

          1. Beowoof

            Well you are trying to grab the boot strap of the wealthy, in Washington you are trying to grab that strap of the boot that is on your neck.

  7. eggsacklywright

    Hey, it's in the constitution: I pledge allegiance to Grover Norkvist with justice uber alles.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      YES. When I saw the trailer for that expansion, my heart sank. I realized then that the Care Bear flipping out on screen would soon be ganking me for the next three years. Humiliating insult to injury.

      1. Nesnora

        they had me at "masked tanuki"…

        I hated the idea of pandas too until I saw how much the Horde and Alliance are raping their homeland…

    2. deoliver47

      She is one of my Wreck List Guildees, and don't know if she has rolled a panda yet. I love mine

  8. coolhandnuke

    Anyone care to inform these Maine GOP anti-video violence zealots that the Wars they so vocally support but rarely participate in, are being run by kids with joysticks in the Nevada desert.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Yeah it's called a monthly sub fee, and they are so friggin harsh with the enforcement that if you don't pay they kick you out. They aren't pussies about it like the IRS.

  9. KeepFnThatChicken

    "Mr. Chicken, on your first day of office, what will you do?"

    I am going to prioritize my meeting schedule with the legislature between refreshing on Wonkette.

    "Is that all?"

    I don't recommend you "friend" me on Facebook, actually. That ain't really me; that's a staffer.

    1. actor212

      Oh come on! Don't you know the proper liberal response to any reporters question is "When I returned, Mary Jo and the car were gone"?

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Not quite. You've never been to an erotic roleplay server, which I suggest you DON'T visit. To be honest, the Wonkette logo is hotter.

  10. OneYieldRegular

    Whoever gets elected, I hope it's to govern nothing more than a small fiefdom in Second Farm Life Ville or whatever.

  11. actor212

    Whatever could they be? Let us creepily stalk State Sen. Thomas H. Martin Jr. on the Facebok, as he hath done to Colleen. Oooo, lookie here! One of his Facebook likes is “Get Naked.”

    *shielding eyes*

    DO. NOT. WANT!

  12. poorgradstudent

    I like how they play up the "She's lazy and doesn't work!" angle but of course if it turned out the GOP candidate spent hours each day watching sports and playing fantasy football then it would be a sign that this is a Real Person You Can Have A Beer With.

    Now if you'll excuse me I'll play a round of "Shin Megami Tensei II", where you eventually raise an army of demons in a post-apocalyptic environment and eventually kill God, which I assume will alone disqualify me from political office (if commenting regularly on Wonkette hasn't already).

    1. One_who_wanders

      Great game.

      As for killing your chances as politician the grad student part does that more efficiently than SMT, Wonkette, or torturing small animals.

      1. poorgradstudent

        This is true. On a related note I still remember a professor back in the day telling me that the best way to never qualify for jury duty is to get a PhD.

        1. One_who_wanders

          Unfortunately, not true. I used to think the same (social psychology Ph.D.) but I did two days of jury duty last year on a traffic accident here on Baltimore city. Of course here they call 1000 to get 300 to show up.

    2. iTuna

      Persona 2? Digital Devil Saga 2? Devil Survivor 2? Devil Summoner 2? Or old-ass Shin Megami Tensei 2? CONTEXT, DAMMIT

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well at least she doesn't live in her parent's basement.

    She doesn't live in her parents basement does she?

  14. SayItWithWookies

    This is shocking news — who let Maine have the internet? I just figured their PTAs were still distributing flyers warning parents about the dangers of playing Dungeons and Dragons.

    1. Terry

      They have the internet but it's powered by lobsters walking on miniature treadmills. The admins are all surly Francophones from up by the Canadian border who refuse to speak English.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      By the Light, I still remember when people freaked out about us playing Magic: The Gathering in middle school, and not because it was distracting. THEY SAY IT'S ABOUT MAGIC AND THEY'RE CARDS THEY MUST BE TAROT CARDS BURN THEM

  15. elviouslyqueer

    Man, the "Get Naked" Facebook page is so very, very classy. Especially if you're a Cheeto-encrusted 45-year-old whose last meaningful sexual encounter was masturbating a hamster in the third grade.

    1. One_who_wanders

      This evokes that page so well that I am afraid going there would only lead to disappointment.

    1. Esteev

      *A wild animal appears*

      *Strong white male uses shotgun*

      <It's super effective! but not on his small penis>

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think the last video game I got addicted to was Bad Day on the Midway. Everyone dies a horrible death after about an hour. Good times.

    1. emmelemm

      Pretty sure the last video game I played was Frogger. Actual arcade version. At SpacePort, on the Ave, in the 80s.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      What, just for playing a rogue? That's as big of an achievement as being Christian in America. Come back when you've got a candidate who plays Protoss.

  17. PsycWench

    I thought it was no one's business what you did in your spare time as long as it wasn't clearly illegal. Haven't I heard a Republican insinuate that?

  18. CommieLibunatic

    I normally despise rogues with Righteous Fury, but this makes me want to stab someone. With a Saronite Dreadrazor of +5 Votes.

      1. CommieLibunatic

        Why, yes I did. My fury is just that righteous. And by "righteous" I mean "utterly debilitating."

  19. LibertyLover

    You see? This is why I can never run for office. Someday, someone will discover my secret identity is Diana Prince and I have an invisible corporate jet. And that I have said some crude things on a blog by the name of Wonkette.

    1. TribecaMike

      Helm of the Forgotten Protector* libel!

      * I had to look that up cuz I don't care about WOW.

  20. LibertyLover

    One of my offspring plays WoW… My recollections of it is that you run around with hordes of other people and going on raids of some such or another… together. You did not build it alone. Sort of like real life.

    Also you can get killed in many different ways and still come back to life. (Not at all like real life.) No one lies on a cot in WoW without health care suffering from cancer until you die.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      True on that last part, but someone might very well "hump" your corpse for minutes on end.

  21. CommieLibunatic

    By the logic of this mailer, I am secretly a time-traveling, alien-fighting theoretical physicist with a rockin' goatee. A girl can dream, anyway.

  22. James Michael Curley

    I'm still trying to get the Aluminum Mallard out of the trash compactor so I can get to the future to meet my life's love Beatrice Creakworm Wankmeister.

  23. Nesnora

    I've been playing WoW since 2006 and here's some shockers: I love books and I read daily, I have a good job in the thing I actually went to college for, I have a boyfriend of five years I met through the game and we live in a brownstone, not a basement and we are not virgins and are huge sluts for each other. However I'm not opposed to basements, or basement sex, possibly with wizard hats.

    My name is Lost on Wyrmrest Accord and I'm an 85 affliction horde warlock.

    Thank you and have a nice fucking day.

  24. schvitzatura

    Studies have found that the average World of Warcraft gamer is 28 and spends 22.7 hours per week playing.

    Wait until a LARPer tries to run for office…wait, that would be most of the GOPer wide-stancers and their NPC buttbois.

  25. DahBoner

    This isn't like The Old Days where Gum'mint workers would read newspapers and play Solataire with actual fucking playing cards

  26. docterry6973

    The GOP is on to something here. What kind of loser spends all day sitting in front of a computer? Oh, wait…

  27. Jukesgrrl

    Isn't Maine right up against that place where the state legislature likes to debate teh gheys wriggling their boners in excrement? Sounds like a win for Sen. Get Naked.

  28. Negropolis

    Under his likes he lists the TV show Reba (which is admittedly funny in a classic sitcom kind of way) twice, and Tim McGraw under music. Is this guy running for a seat in Maine or Tennessee?

  29. Negropolis

    Is anyone else getting the whole "she's a spinster, weirdo lesbian" 'cause she's a female that enjoys video games vibe from the accusations?

  30. Jennyjen798

    Who knew a WoW player was lower than a politician!? That should be on the box dammit!

    So I guess I could never run for office now. Well, now that easy power and money can't be had by political office… I better get to slinging some drugs. BRB. Working my way up to drug lord!

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