thank you sir may we have another

Finally, A Way We Can Just Pay Our Taxes Directly to the Job Creators and Cut Out the Middle Man

job creatorGreetings, Incorporated Americans, how may we best serve you today? Oh, just by paying a tithe for the privilege of enriching corporate coffers, that’s all, no big deal. According to investigative journalist and author David Cay Johnston, you might already be doing so without even knowing it, which he seems to think is bad, but REALLY aren’t we just cutting out the middle man here by paying our taxes directly to our corporate overlords, instead of waiting for them to get  multibillion dollar tax benefits or carryback provisions?

Take a look at your pay stub. In all but six states, workers will see a deduction for state income taxes … In a growing number of states, your state income taxes will also be increasing the profits of your employer.

You read that right. Many employers in nineteen states can now keep state income taxes withheld from paychecks. General Electric, Goldman Sachs and Procter & Gamble have these deals, along with a host of foreign firms from the German computer maker Siemens to the Swedish appliance maker Electrolux and a host of Canadian, European and Japanese banks. In all more than 2,700 companies get to pocket the state income taxes withheld from some of their workers’ paychecks.

Isn’t that nice to know that this is an equal opportunity tithe, wherein we can pay homage to our Incorporated Japanese and Canadians as well as Incorporated Americans?

[Beneficiaries of this policy include] Motorola Mobility, the cell phone maker. Just for promising not to move out of state [Illinois] and take three thousand jobs with it, Motorola gets to siphon $136 million from the paychecks of its well-paid high-tech workers. As if to make this transaction all the more interesting, Motorola Mobility agreed to be acquired by Google soon after the state made the big tax deal. The Motorola board then paid its CEO, Sanjay Jha, to go away. He received $66 million. Thus, Illinois taxpayers underwrote his golden parachute, which amounted to roughly half the value of the worker taxes flowing to Google…

No law requires the companies to notify the workers that state income taxes are being diverted. The state treats you as having paid your taxes even though it never got the money.

So the companies take away a little bit of our Speech every paycheck in exchange for letting us work for them, no big deal. You know what will fix this is eliminating loopholes, less regulations, less taxes, blah blah etc.


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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    1. lizunyan

      My workplace is right down the street from a Siemens office, and a guy from there rents from us every Friday. I wonder if he will care about this if i tell him :S

  1. Estproph

    I am not at all surprised. The ultimate goal of business in this country is to get profit with no expense whatsoever. Eventually we really will simply give them our paychecks for nothing.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Or pay them for the privilege of working for them. It's like The Four Yorkshiremen come to life.

      1. JustPixelz

        OK, I confess I don't work for IBM. I work for another big but lesser known IT company so I used my official CT Poet's License/Voter ID.

    1. mrpuma2u

      This is why our Governator in IL is trying to be all Scott Walker douche-baggy about the budget. That fuck hole gave the money away, and now is trying to balance the budget by hacking state worker pay, Fucking moron assholes.

    1. JustPixelz

      It will be a great day when schools get all the money they need and employers have to give blow jobs to keep their employees.

  2. OzoneTom

    States don't really need the money anyway. They'll just waste it on education and law-enforcement and such silliness.

  3. freakishlywrong

    As long as my forced taxes go to the torch and pitchfork industry, this could be a win/win.

  4. noodlesalad

    I'm more convinced than ever that it would be better to be a filthy rich incompetent CEO. Therefore I will keep playing the lottery and keep voting Republican so that, when I finally get my millions, I can enjoy the other end of the stick. Because this end, frankly, sucks.

      1. James Michael Curley

        You are probably too young to remember when almost every publicly traded company paid a dividend to its share holders, and sometimes with double digits. Now, who? These days even the bluest of the blue chips are, very rarely, using single digits and guess where that's going.

          1. James Michael Curley

            Guy was telling me about how well he did in Atlantic City a few nights ago. I told him I had a big wining day and it was right from my living room. He said “But you can’t gamble on the internet in NJ with real money.” I said you sure as hell can if Wall Street is your casino.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Can we just cut the shit and start paying these fuckers to let us work in the first place? I mean, indentured servitude, that wasn't so bad, right? What ever happened to loving being the serf we were born to be?

    1. James Michael Curley

      Years ago in a place in LA renown for folk music we went to see Loudon Wainright who did the whole song as "16 Pounds". I talked one of the girls to go up and ask him about it after the show and he just sort of smiled.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Considering it was from the guy who hit the charts with “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” I think he was playing with us.

    1. actor212

      I could imagine it as far back as the 1980s, when private equity firms like Bain Capital KKR could buy a company then use the pension fund to pay off the junk bonds.

      1. James Michael Curley

        KKR must also be remembered for the fact that they acquired Celotex, a leading manufacturer of asbestos based products and spent several years in the late 1980's telling the Courts that they did not acquire Celotex's liability because it wasn't specified in the Asset Purchase Agreement. When a NJ Supreme Court determined it did, KKR had well prepared various corporate filing shifts and then declared Chap 11 with the company they alleged owned Celotex.

        Kohlberg Kravis Roberts, K.B.R., Ltd., Co. (KKR) is a mean spirited company with a bunch of really sleazy lawyers representing them. During the Asbestos Wars everyone knew that when it was time for KKR to conduct a plaintiffs deposition it was going to be rough on the plaintiff. At one I attended in 1988, the plaintiff was in the last stages of mesothelioma and it was conducted at his home due to his severe disability. When the plaintiff asked, after about 4 hours, whether the attorneys could come back the next day, this KKR lawyers said, "No! It took weeks before everyone agreed on a date. You may be dead before we can reschedule."

  6. James Michael Curley

    This has been going on for years in various states. In NJ Big Pharma started getting this 'benefit' in 2003. It is called, 'tax abatement' and a new deal is being offered to keep another company from jumping ship and relocate all its pharmacy manufacturing off shore. This after Dubya and the Republican Congress guaranteed them a healthy price increase twice a year for the prescriptions seniors take.

    Go ahead, look at that bottle if you get one of those sealed ones that isn't broken up by the pharmacist. Chances are it was manufactured in Africa, South America or Eastern Europe. Now recall when that fartwad Bush was telling everyone he was going to protect them with prohibiting the importation of drugs from Canada.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, at least that shit doesn't happen in Texas, since we pay no personal state income tax.

    1. Guppy

      I'm sure there are still merchants that get to charge you "sales tax" for the privilege of shopping there, though.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, there is this billionaire fuck Leininger here in San Antonio that owns a medical supply place called Kinetic Concepts who wants to build a shopping/entertainment complex out in the little exurban town where I live; he has told our city council that he needs the city's cut of the sales tax in order for it to be viable and profitable. Outrage has ensued. Invisible hand my ass.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I can see that today is shaping up to be a Day Of Rage And/Or Outrage. I think I will try and get some work done instead of hanging out.

  9. KeepFnThatChicken

    Isn't this the same argument that "my Godly Christian Federal tax dollars goes to pay for [insert a whore's name here] abortion!"?

  10. Doktor Zoom

    David Cay Johnston is wonderful; when he was on Fresh Air a while back I ran out and bought his book, Perfectly Legal. This convinces me to finally read the damn thing…

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      I heard him interviewed on Democracy Now!, but decided $140 was too much to pay for his book. Admittedly, that price would support FSTV, but Amy Goodman has to start wearing makeup first.

  11. SorosBot

    Wait, I know a couple of places that used to do this but they got sued and shut down for such a flagrant violation of the law.

  12. Nibbler of Niblonia

    I don't see the problem.

    if corporations are people, aren't all the employees just the company's dependents?

    we should just let our employers keep all of our paychecks and have them pay all our bills, living expenses, and just give us a small allowance for things like clothing and "entertainment." Like when we were 17 and our parents just managed all our money from our summer job.

  13. pinkocommi

    At least my employer uses my state tax withholding to buy some donuts for the office once in a while.

    1. Guppy

      Maybe if they got some vegetable trays instead every so often, they could keep down the cost of healthcare.

      1. pinkocommi

        But maybe they are trying to kill us so that they collect on the life insurance policy they have out on us. Death by office donuts.

  14. Doktor Zoom

    I have long advocated a payroll deduction plan for nerds, so that George Lucas can have our money if he'll just promise to stop fucking up the Star Wars movies any more.

    EDIT: Han shot first!

  15. punkneverdies

    Well this is the first time I thought it was probably a good thing Texas doesn't have a state income tax.

    The rotting school infrastructure and general horrible quality of all public services is but a small price to pay for liberty.

  16. UnholyMoses

    Teachers, roads, police officers, bridges, environmental protections, worker protections, state inspections of restaurants and hospitals and whatnot, wildlife management folks, keeping parks and rivers and lakes clean as possible, a few prisons not yet sold to Big Incarceration, social services, Medicaid, and all kinds of other stuff states handle is all overrated anyway …

    … in Haiti.

  17. Toomush_Infer

    Don't see a problem: this is corporate morality at its best….the first rule of corporation is for profit…..unless ….maybe corporations aren't people, after all?…nah, Mitt would have said so…

  18. UnholyMoses

    GOP: We'll give more power to the states to do stuff!!

    Still the GOP: We'll take away hundreds of millions of dollars from state coffers to give to foreign companies!

    Math: The fuck?!

  19. pdiddycornchips

    Is anyone else having trouble controlling their homicidal rage today? I wonder if I can get an RPG on layaway.

  20. ttommyunger

    Fucking genius! Preach Democracy at home and abroad, practice creeping Fascism all the while. Will the sheeples ever catch on? Doubtful. Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch and I have only one thing in common: we've all read Mein Kamph and marveled at the sections devoted to Propaganda.

  21. Esteev

    Why stop there? Why not just keep my salary? I'll sleep at my desk, bathe in the office sink, drink the rainwater from the gutters, and eat whatever crumbs are left over from the stockholder meeting.

    Imagine all the money speech these companies would have?!

  22. lulzmonger

    Jeeze, peasants, put down those pitchforks & get back to updating those Facebooks – what, you think hookers & blow grow on TREES?!?

    Hmm … hooker-&-blow trees … whoa!
    Quick, someone get me Dave from R&D!

    – Lulzmonger Inc., Cayman Islands

  23. Welpers

    I recall the 'Money' speech from Network.

    "You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today."

  24. chascates

    Soon enough we'll become serfs who work on the noble's land and never see a paycheck any way.

  25. HelmutNewton

    You'd better believe that actual debtor's prisons are gonna make a comeback too. The plutocrats haven't come this far without going all the way.

  26. Roger_of_Arabia

    This really takes the cake doesn't it? At what point will people wake up and say "fuck this shit?"

Comments are closed.