Good evening, America! There is a slight chill in the air tonight, a vague hint that the roasting forever summer is finally slipping away, that not even the industrialist villains have managed to completely prevent autumn from its tardy arrival. The chill, of course, is the Earth’s response to the cold dead vacuum of Mitt Romney speaking to the nation, via the prime-time television broadcasts known as the First Presidential Debate of 2012. Your old and unfaithful friends Newell and Layne have been brought out of the gun locker for tonight’s festivities, and we are ready to share in this 90-minute national tragedy with all of you. Let us begin … even though the CNN feed isn’t working?
8:45 PM — Oh look, Mitt and his cult family are playing a child’s board game, to relax, the way “humans like to do it,” says Mitt:
8:49 PM — Black-eyed ghoul Jim Lehrer is threatening everyone in the audience. He is “being cool” by saying the popular Fonzie catch phrase from 35 years ago, “Sit On It.” Weezer must be loving this debate, so far.
8:56 PM — Jim Lehrer is cracking up the crowd by forgetting his name, and the introduction, and also why he was born with solid black eyeballs like one of those reptilian aliens from The X Files.
9:00 PM — And finally, after four years of pre-election activities known as “life in this country,” the two warriors emerge from their secret debate chambers, their cones of silence. Obama has a blue tie, many professional media people immediately notice, via Twitter. This means he has won the debate.
9:06 PM — Romney notes that it is very romantic for the Obamas to be spending their anniversary with Romney. Then he promises to “trickle down” on those annoying jobless Americans with the “baby in hand” who keep bothering him while he looks at the clouds.
9:14 PM — “I like coal.” Mitt Romney finally found something that will like him back.
9:16 PM– Blah blah the presidential candidates are saying some tax lies. They both say they will cut all taxes on “the middle class,” by which they mostly mean families making $150,000 a year. What loopholes will Mitt Romney cut to keep it Revenue-Neutral? I love America, Romney assures. Barack Obama is citing tax studies. “I’ve got five boys,” Mitt Romney says, adding that Obama lies all the time just like Mitt’s fucking brat kids used to do growing up. “You throw all these studies out there,” Mitt Romney insults the president.
9:18 PM — The website is basically broken for the rest of the night, but stick around!
9:21 PM — Jim Lehrer, who died seven years ago but came back just for this one great night for America, has lost control of the candidates. You guys are way out of time! Shut up Jim, we’re talking tax offsets!.
9:23 PM — It’s funny when Mitt makes himself laugh when he tries to say “paying more taxes.”
9:23 PM — Professor Obama is going to do some confusing magic math about 5 + 2, but in billions, so nobody in America understands this. “Math, common sense, and our history,” says the president. The first two don’t really go with the last thing.
9:30 PM — According to everyone on Twitter, this election is now over because dumbass Romney just went on national teevee and told millions of families that he will kill Big Bird.
9:34 PM — Romney is talking about Spain, where he owns thousands of castles. Soon, he will start speaking French.
9:36 PM — You can also go on the Twitter and read Newell & me complaining about the Wonkette publishing system being broken and slow, and also read Josh Fruhlinger do live sexting along with the Wonkette people @commiegirl1 and @jesseltaylor and @jesseberney … and after doing all of that, we may get another update saved and posted to the Internet.
9:33 PM — Why aren’t both of you embracing Simpson-Bowles, the Washington beltway debate moderator asks about deficit reduction plan that no one else in the country gives a shit about. Why aren’t you licking Alan Simpson’s lesion-caked bald head, Mitt Romney? Why around you sitting on Erskine Bowles’ face right now, Barack Obama?
9:39 PM — With the exception of “coal,” which he likes to pull out of the ground and sell, when Romney says he “likes” something, he will kill it.
9:40 PM — Did Romney just refer to America’s tens of millions of poor people as “your poor,” to Obama?
9:40 PM — Obama doesn’t get why Exxon Mobil gets tax breaks. (The answer is because they’re Exxon Mobil.) He also met a poor lady in Las Vegas, who does not get any tax breaks. An autistic kid, a hobo, a cooper, a barnsmith, a crackhead! President Obama meets a lot of fuck-ups on the trail.
9:42 PM — Mitt Romney says that he “likes clean energy,” don’t get him wrong, he just doesn’t see why there have to be investments into these gay sectors. Romney Zinger: You are a bad investor, Barack Obama. Oh ho ho! You can’t stock pick worth shit, “Mister President.”
9:44 PM — Mitt Romney notes that President Obama’s plan for Medicare is to eliminate all funding for it. Obama responds that Mitt Romney would like to turn Medicare into a clip ‘n’ save coupon program where the trick is that the coupons are eventually worth nothing. It would only affect “future people,” Romney clarifies. See? It wouldn’t hurt current old people at all, only everyone else who will ever live.
9:44 PM — Hahahah Romney: “If you’re 60 or older, you needn’t listen any further.” Go to sleep, old people! It’s safe to sleep now!
9:47 PM — Obama says he has become fond of the term “Obamacare.” The gasp/chortle out of Mittens’ mouth was priceless. How many painstakingly prepared “zingers” were just ruined by Obama’s embrace of the insult?
9:52 PM — Barack Obama is not doing enough to terrify the old people. “Listen, old unwealthy people,” he should say, “Romney will burn you like coal.”
9:52 PM — Mitt Romney: “Regulation is essential.” What is wrong with this communist queer? Are those queer pants you’re wearing? Oh, ok, phew, now he is adding the caveat that all regulation is destructive.
9:53 PM — May I continue? Romney asks Lehrer. “NO, YOU MAY NOT.”
9:57 PM — Tonight, we are all old people in America, falling asleep while the nice men in suits talk at us.
9:59 PM — “Expensive things hurt families.” This is why Mitt Romney wants to make sure American families can’t have any expensive things. They’ll only get hurt! This is how poor people are!
10:05 PM — Twitter tells us that Romney is apparently winning. How do people tell this?
10:06 PM — We’re mostly listening rather than watching, and Obama sure doesn’t sound like he’s killing, but Romney has that evil death-rattle chuckle that is actually chilling, like one of those plastic Halloween gimmick candy pots with the skeleton hand that pops out and won’t let you go.
10:07 PM — Remember when Obama was running for president in 2008, and in 2007 during the debates, he had a reputation for rambling calmly about some policy anecdote for 10 minutes? Well, here he is debating for the first time this cycle! Oops! He just talked about reimbursement rates at the Cleveland clinic for 9 years, which is interesting, but… anyway, Mitt Romney says “private market,” in response, angrily.
10:22 PM — And finally, the Internet gives up and dies. But it returned just in time for Mitt to deliver a “zinger,” saying that black people aren’t entitled to their own “facts,” even if they’ve stolen a jet and a house from the American People.
10:22 PM — All of Jim Lehrer’s questions end with, “Is there any difference between you two on this?” And there always is a difference! (Well, not really. Right now they are bickering about minor tweaks to each other’s plans to screw teachers’ unions.)
10:27 PM — Romney says that the U.S. has “the best health records in the world.” It’s true! Our 173% of babies that die in childbirth and then get diabetes is a World Record.
10:28 PM — It is truly a patriotic miracle that the U.S.A. has achieved so many “health records” nvolving obesity and diabetes and hunger in a supposedly rich country. It is a virtual Winter Olympics that Mitt Romney bought one time, to show he cared.
10:30 PM — Obama finishes with a lie (“American cars are the best in the world”) but is otherwise humble and pretty convincing. Now it is Mitt’s turn to “thank you for tuning in,” because he probably owns all the television networks, and the air. Because of this, he will make 12 million jobs … watching teevee and breathing his air.
10:31 PM — Closing statements, thank god. Obama is so happy, he has this memorized! It’s his usual thing. Some anecdotes — lady in North Carolina going to college, guy in Minnesota looking for a job, kid in the ghetto looking for a sandwich, old man in Dallas retiring to start a Lego factory in outer space, robot toddler looking to buy a Taco Bell franchise, blah blah blah — they’re all struggling, but he will make them not struggle, vote for him.
10:33 PM — Thanks everybody, for joining us tonight! We apologize for the shitty tech problems … they seem to appear whenever there’s a big event and our shoddy little system gets overwhelmed. Anyway, thanks! We love you so much!