two dudes sexting about two dudes debating

Ultimate Lectern Fighting 2012: Liveblogging Mitt & Barack’s First Debate

The President vs. the Twit.
Good evening, America! There is a slight chill in the air tonight, a vague hint that the roasting forever summer is finally slipping away, that not even the industrialist villains have managed to completely prevent autumn from its tardy arrival. The chill, of course, is the Earth’s response to the cold dead vacuum of Mitt Romney speaking to the nation, via the prime-time television broadcasts known as the First Presidential Debate of 2012. Your old and unfaithful friends Newell and Layne have been brought out of the gun locker for tonight’s festivities, and we are ready to share in this 90-minute national tragedy with all of you. Let us begin … even though the CNN feed isn’t working?

8:45 PM — Oh look, Mitt and his cult family are playing a child’s board game, to relax, the way “humans like to do it,” says Mitt:
You sank myyyy jangaship
8:49 PM — Black-eyed ghoul Jim Lehrer is threatening everyone in the audience. He is “being cool” by saying the popular Fonzie catch phrase from 35 years ago, “Sit On It.” Weezer must be loving this debate, so far.
8:56 PM — Jim Lehrer is cracking up the crowd by forgetting his name, and the introduction, and also why he was born with solid black eyeballs like one of those reptilian aliens from The X Files.
9:00 PM — And finally, after four years of pre-election activities known as “life in this country,” the two warriors emerge from their secret debate chambers, their cones of silence. Obama has a blue tie, many professional media people immediately notice, via Twitter. This means he has won the debate.
9:06 PM — Romney notes that it is very romantic for the Obamas to be spending their anniversary with Romney. Then he promises to “trickle down” on those annoying jobless Americans with the “baby in hand” who keep bothering him while he looks at the clouds.
9:14 PM — “I like coal.” Mitt Romney finally found something that will like him back.
9:16 PM– Blah blah the presidential candidates are saying some tax lies. They both say they will cut all taxes on “the middle class,” by which they mostly mean families making $150,000 a year. What loopholes will Mitt Romney cut to keep it Revenue-Neutral? I love America, Romney assures. Barack Obama is citing tax studies. “I’ve got five boys,” Mitt Romney says, adding that Obama lies all the time just like Mitt’s fucking brat kids used to do growing up. “You throw all these studies out there,” Mitt Romney insults the president.
9:18 PM — The website is basically broken for the rest of the night, but stick around!
9:21 PM — Jim Lehrer, who died seven years ago but came back just for this one great night for America, has lost control of the candidates. You guys are way out of time! Shut up Jim, we’re talking tax offsets!.
9:23 PM — It’s funny when Mitt makes himself laugh when he tries to say “paying more taxes.”
9:23 PM — Professor Obama is going to do some confusing magic math about 5 + 2, but in billions, so nobody in America understands this. “Math, common sense, and our history,” says the president. The first two don’t really go with the last thing.
9:30 PM — According to everyone on Twitter, this election is now over because dumbass Romney just went on national teevee and told millions of families that he will kill Big Bird.
9:34 PM — Romney is talking about Spain, where he owns thousands of castles. Soon, he will start speaking French.
9:36 PM — You can also go on the Twitter and read Newell & me complaining about the Wonkette publishing system being broken and slow, and also read Josh Fruhlinger do live sexting along with the Wonkette people @commiegirl1 and @jesseltaylor and @jesseberney … and after doing all of that, we may get another update saved and posted to the Internet.
9:33 PM — Why aren’t both of you embracing Simpson-Bowles, the Washington beltway debate moderator asks about deficit reduction plan that no one else in the country gives a shit about. Why aren’t you licking Alan Simpson’s lesion-caked bald head, Mitt Romney? Why around you sitting on Erskine Bowles’ face right now, Barack Obama?
9:39 PM — With the exception of “coal,” which he likes to pull out of the ground and sell, when Romney says he “likes” something, he will kill it.
9:40 PM — Did Romney just refer to America’s tens of millions of poor people as “your poor,” to Obama?
9:40 PM — Obama doesn’t get why Exxon Mobil gets tax breaks. (The answer is because they’re Exxon Mobil.) He also met a poor lady in Las Vegas, who does not get any tax breaks. An autistic kid, a hobo, a cooper, a barnsmith, a crackhead! President Obama meets a lot of fuck-ups on the trail.
9:42 PM — Mitt Romney says that he “likes clean energy,” don’t get him wrong, he just doesn’t see why there have to be investments into these gay sectors. Romney Zinger: You are a bad investor, Barack Obama. Oh ho ho! You can’t stock pick worth shit, “Mister President.”
9:44 PM — Mitt Romney notes that President Obama’s plan for Medicare is to eliminate all funding for it. Obama responds that Mitt Romney would like to turn Medicare into a clip ‘n’ save coupon program where the trick is that the coupons are eventually worth nothing. It would only affect “future people,” Romney clarifies. See? It wouldn’t hurt current old people at all, only everyone else who will ever live.
9:44 PM — Hahahah Romney: “If you’re 60 or older, you needn’t listen any further.” Go to sleep, old people! It’s safe to sleep now!
9:47 PM — Obama says he has become fond of the term “Obamacare.” The gasp/chortle out of Mittens’ mouth was priceless. How many painstakingly prepared “zingers” were just ruined by Obama’s embrace of the insult?
9:52 PM — Barack Obama is not doing enough to terrify the old people. “Listen, old unwealthy people,” he should say, “Romney will burn you like coal.”
9:52 PM — Mitt Romney: “Regulation is essential.” What is wrong with this communist queer? Are those queer pants you’re wearing? Oh, ok, phew, now he is adding the caveat that all regulation is destructive.
9:53 PM — May I continue? Romney asks Lehrer. “NO, YOU MAY NOT.”
9:57 PM — Tonight, we are all old people in America, falling asleep while the nice men in suits talk at us.
9:59 PM — “Expensive things hurt families.” This is why Mitt Romney wants to make sure American families can’t have any expensive things. They’ll only get hurt! This is how poor people are!
How to improve the debates.
10:05 PM — Twitter tells us that Romney is apparently winning. How do people tell this?
10:06 PM — We’re mostly listening rather than watching, and Obama sure doesn’t sound like he’s killing, but Romney has that evil death-rattle chuckle that is actually chilling, like one of those plastic Halloween gimmick candy pots with the skeleton hand that pops out and won’t let you go.
10:07 PM — Remember when Obama was running for president in 2008, and in 2007 during the debates, he had a reputation for rambling calmly about some policy anecdote for 10 minutes? Well, here he is debating for the first time this cycle! Oops! He just talked about reimbursement rates at the Cleveland clinic for 9 years, which is interesting, but… anyway, Mitt Romney says “private market,” in response, angrily.

10:22 PM — And finally, the Internet gives up and dies. But it returned just in time for Mitt to deliver a “zinger,” saying that black people aren’t entitled to their own “facts,” even if they’ve stolen a jet and a house from the American People.
10:22 PM — All of Jim Lehrer’s questions end with, “Is there any difference between you two on this?” And there always is a difference! (Well, not really. Right now they are bickering about minor tweaks to each other’s plans to screw teachers’ unions.)
10:27 PM — Romney says that the U.S. has “the best health records in the world.” It’s true! Our 173% of babies that die in childbirth and then get diabetes is a World Record.
10:28 PM — It is truly a patriotic miracle that the U.S.A. has achieved so many “health records” nvolving obesity and diabetes and hunger in a supposedly rich country. It is a virtual Winter Olympics that Mitt Romney bought one time, to show he cared.
10:30 PM — Obama finishes with a lie (“American cars are the best in the world”) but is otherwise humble and pretty convincing. Now it is Mitt’s turn to “thank you for tuning in,” because he probably owns all the television networks, and the air. Because of this, he will make 12 million jobs … watching teevee and breathing his air.
10:31 PM — Closing statements, thank god. Obama is so happy, he has this memorized! It’s his usual thing. Some anecdotes — lady in North Carolina going to college, guy in Minnesota looking for a job, kid in the ghetto looking for a sandwich, old man in Dallas retiring to start a Lego factory in outer space, robot toddler looking to buy a Taco Bell franchise, blah blah blah — they’re all struggling, but he will make them not struggle, vote for him.
10:33 PM — Thanks everybody, for joining us tonight! We apologize for the shitty tech problems … they seem to appear whenever there’s a big event and our shoddy little system gets overwhelmed. Anyway, thanks! We love you so much!
Romney Wis!

About the author

These gentlemen have been involved with many matters of National Security and are also three-time champions of yoga. You may find their individual work on this site from the "olde days" by looking at the Jim Newell page or the page of the other one. Through love, all things are possible, especially violence and hatred. Give a Hoot!

View all articles by Jim Newell and Ken Layne
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2,033 comments

  1. Barbara_

    It doesn't bother me that Mitt Romney doesn't drink beer, because I wouldn't want to have one with him in the first place.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I wouldn't even let him have some of my chardonnay in the fancy silver solo cup from whence I am drinking. If his head was on fire. GOBAMA! GOBAMA! or something.

      1. Barbara_

        Hello, lovely lady. I hope you are wearing a flag pin with your tennis skirt. Always a pleasure to see you.

  2. tracyhasfun

    Any thoughts on how Jim Lehrer is going to be? Will he be able to manage bullshit? I hope there is bullshit.

  3. Veritas78

    While we're waiting, perhaps either of you could tell us if gingers do indeed have more-sensitive nipples, and if that had anything to do with Wonkette hiring practices.

      1. MilwaukeeKent

        Yes indeed, Romney will slash that 15 trillion deficit (mostly Bush expenses carried forward) by what, 100 million? 37 million? Whatever PBS gets. Beginning to understand why The Romns responded to a (vintage teak) boat in distress on Jet-skis. Question, where do you tie Seamus on a Jet-ski?

          1. MilwaukeeKent

            It's just such pandering to the base, cuts to Planned Parenthood, PBS, NPR — as if Democrats directly targeted the sheep-dipping tax-writeoff in just Idaho and western Montana. It just says, to his base, I'll stick it to your particular boogiemen real good. To everyone else, it just screams I'm a mean and cheap asshole.

      2. DemmeFatale

        I think I hate the wing nuts most when they infiltrate my car radio by intimidating NPR with their psychopathic BS.
        I hate hearing highly educated, sophisticated hosts doffing their caps, and toadying to teabaggy assholes to avoid being defunded.

    1. Boojum

      I watched on MSNBC. Because, I love Rachel Maddow. No, seriously, I want a sex change so I can be a lesbian and lie in bed next to her and whisper politics. Except for the part about chopping stuff off.

      I'm a seriously fucked up human. Too much rum, I suppose.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Zounds and Odds Bodkins, it's a joke word you toasterperson!

            Invert Pervert – ebrate!

            Arrrrgh.

          2. Boojum

            Which means your ebrates are perverted, which is quite different from having vertebrae which are perred. Perred vertebrae generally require injections of raspberry jelly and Jagermeister. Perverted ebrates just like to be rubbed with cacti.

            Very different things.

        1. HistoriCat

          It means you're going to be kept on for six months to train your Chinese replacement in the fine art of Wonkette commenting.

    1. Crank_Tango

      did you see that zee germans are marketing booze that has been poured over the tits of hot women and then bottled?

  4. Wadisay

    Just think, if you are Mitt, while you’re coming up with an answer to the question, you must also ask yourself: (1) will this piss off my base?; (2) in pandering to my base, will this alienate the rest of America?; (3) what does this contradict of what I’ve said before?; (4) if it’s supposed to be a statement of fact, is this a lie?; (5) if it’s supposed to be a statement of belief, does it just strain credulity?; (6) does it make me look like a rich, out-of-touch prick? Then—and only then—you may get on with your answer. If he not made this mess himself, I could almost find it in my heart to pity him. Nah.

    1. tessiee

      You're giving him way too much credit if you think any of those thoughts once wandered through his big, empty, narcissistic head.
      He has, as Louis C.K. once said, no decent sense of self-doubt.

  5. CheeseBro69

    Asked my dad what he was drinking for the debate and he responded with this:
    "I am drinking Jameson's for this debate. Mitt drives me to the hard stuff."

          1. redarmyzombie

            Oh, you have nooooo idea! *evilchuckle*

            *le sigh* unfortunately though, I'm gonna have to call it a night. Gotta take off in 6 hours, and I'm already lacking sleep as it is. *hugs*

            (stupid bodily needs)

  6. Terry

    Romney can't let a photo of himself studying get out. The GOP prides itself on complete ignorance

  7. Mittaplasia

    Just try to look straight when you're licking up that Mister Softee; you may be overenjoying, 'ya think?

  8. Blueb4sinrise

    "The arena features padded individual seating, two members-only club seating areas, a four-sided video scoreboard, and a concourse with glassed-in views of the adjoining Hamilton Gymnasium and El Pomar Natatorium. "

  9. Mumbletypeg

    I had this mashup in my head of Romney and Ryan tryin' to get hip singing "Combination Pizza Hut andTaco Bell" – with Mitt's quizzical expression à la Dubya wonderment at the grocery scanner, that such things exist — but the image just got replaced by a duo of a bearded' and a ginger~

  10. e_z

    jumping the gun to predict, Romney's 'zingers' will fall as flat as Howard Sprague telling a joke in Mayberry's Barber shop…flinchingly bad.

  11. SorosBot

    It's starting! Whatever sitcom was just on NBC just ended, and now Brian Williams is talking like a douche, as usual. And I made it back from the bar just in time.

  12. ChuckieJesus

    I'm watching a stark feed of Jim Lehrer reading the beginning lines of A New Hope up on the teluhprompterz. Two minutes, folks.

  13. AbandonHope_

    Mitt: "When I'm President, the first thing I'm defunding is that goddamned Commission on Presidential Debates."

    1. tracyhasfun

      Ugh. I am nauseated. What a lying piece of shit. I avoid watching Romney AT ALL, commercials, etc. This is too much smarm for me.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      At this point his pants have become like a flow of lava, the only large enough body of water, an ocean is required to quench it. Good thing the mittbot is made of asbestos because he's an old, selfish prick.

  14. littlebigdaddy

    I am drinking healthy, low-alchohol Guinness, because I have the feeling there will be many drinking occasions tonight.

  15. C_R_Eature

    Jim Lerher's face is like one of those Flemish portraits who's eyes follow you around the room.

    1. AbandonHope_

      I'll try to transcribe it for you but I'm not sure I can type that fast. Here we go…

      Obama: I've got a … something about sourc… er, tax cod…

      You know what, screw it. Find a TV.

    2. C_R_Eature

      It's working for me, except your liveblog post is inexplicably below the "Zinger" one.
      Oh, and Wonkette is making me nauseous as usual, so that's working too.

  16. redarmyzombie

    Hey, before this gets into full swing, does anyone else here remember Celebrity Deathmatch?

  17. FlyOverGirl

    Haha. Suck it, GOP handlers. No one noticed the wedding anniversary when scheduling. Isn't the 20th, Reverse Cowgirl?

  18. littlebigdaddy

    Well, I see Mittens resisted his advisors' recommendation to show up in blackface. Mind you, what's up with his hair?

  19. IceCreamEmpress

    Never go full "Valley of the Dolls," because Broadway doesn't go for booze and pills. There's only one star in a Neely O'Bama picture, and that's Neely O'Bama!

  20. anonymousryan

    What channel is everyone watching on? I'm watching CSPAN but I'm afraid I'll miss out on funny pundit comments. Are they all going to be pretty much the same?

  21. coolhandnuke

    The traditional 20th wedding anniversary gift is China. Maybe Mitt will give us a few jobs back from China.

  22. SorosBot

    Mittens' plan has five vague undefined parts that will totally work but he can't tell us the details.

    1. miss_grundy

      Didn't he say that our educational system isn't good enough…probably because of those dirty union thugs (teachers)…

  23. AbandonHope_

    You know what would get small business going again? GET THE FUCKING BANKS TO ACTUALLY LEND TO THEM YOU DIPSHIT

    1. docterry6973

      Some stimulus would help. Cold hard cash right into the hands of poorz who will instantly take to my showroom and buy stuff.

  24. Terry

    Mitt, how are you going to train people and build great schools while cutting taxes for millionaires?

  25. iTuna

    MR PRESIDENT, WHO KILLED LAURA PALMER?!?!

    edit: operation 'get mad high on pain meds and watch Twin Peaks' was a resounding success

  26. Native_of_SL_UT

    That was scary. I thought Mitt was gonna show he was a genuine guy by starting the debate with tears.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Maybe Mittens can do a Dole after the election and become a pharmaceutical spokesman for Flomax.

    1. NellCote71

      No. he has that, "you-poor-pitiful-thing look. Don't you understand I am supposed to be the president, you stupid blah."

  27. SorosBot

    Obama wants to invest in community colleges? All right!

    Give me some rope
    Tie me to dream
    Give me the hope
    To run out of steam
    Somebody said
    It can be here
    We could be roped up, tied up
    Dead in a year
    I can't count the reasons I should stay
    One by one they all just fade away

  28. JackObin

    I see Diet Coke on the table. I hate to tell you this, Romney clan, but that shit is FAR worse for you than coffee or booze. Phony ding-a-lings.

      1. redarmyzombie

        You're too generous. I'd say it's more along the lines of scotch tape and dried chewing gum.

  29. DocChaos

    I've made the drinking game easy, every time either Obama and Romney say the word "and" I take another shot.

  30. Negropolis

    Mitt, it'd be must appreciated if you stopped speaking to the president as if he was a child. Thanks.

  31. Barbara_

    Mitt is pretending to care about middle class Americans. You know, those who make $250,000.00 a year.

  32. Terry

    Uh oh. Mitt is going to have to send an email to his rich donors and tell them he was just fooling when he said no tax cuts for the rich.

  33. AbandonHope_

    Mitt. Ask a question. A question, Mitt. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ASK OBAMA A QUESTION.

    [ x ] Does not follow directions

    1. glamourdammerung

      [ x ] Tortured the family pet, made jokes about it, then does not understand why normal people were horrified.

  34. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    What is it with revenue-neutral tax reform. I don't understand this. Do businesses only ever make decisions that keep bringing in the same money? Don't you want to bring in more money?

  35. redarmyzombie

    Funny, I was thinking about borrowing from my parents. You know, to start a new business.

    1. tessiee

      Beta male Mitt isn't Neidermeyer on his best day.
      Ryan is Neidermeyer; Mitt is Greg Marmalard with the limp noodle.

  36. Barbara_

    "By the way, I like coal." I like to slip a slab into Ann's butt cheeks and make her walk through a Wal Mart and watch her pinch out a diamond on the way back to the Cadillac.

  37. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt can't increase the tax burden on middle class, and can't increase it on the wealthy, but he's going to increase revenues. Gaaaah.

  38. Negropolis

    I like how "tax cut" has become nearly as much a slur as "tax hike." He has Romney on the defensive on taxes.

  39. SorosBot

    Hey I've been doing that! Well if you replace "to start a new business" with "to pay the rent".

  40. Biff

    First time I ever heard mittens speak without gasping for air. This could spell trouble for Hopey…

  41. larrykat

    Leher has lost control of these two mavericks already. 90 minutes of repeating their TV ads? This is going to suck.

  42. WordSaladNation

    From Sully: "A good volley back from Obama but Romney is coming off like Reagan, and has managed to provide anecdotes and stories, while Obama is a little wonky. But when Romney actually said that he wasn't cutting taxes for the very wealthy, it seems completely out of sync with his actual proposal."

  43. Blueb4sinrise

    WTF C-SPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    HOWTHEFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. Jerri

    Thanks to only getting political news from Wonkette, this is the longest amout of time I've been exposed to Mitt actually moving and talking. Is it always this horrible?

    1. mayor_quimby

      Oh yeah, he's fucking awful on the stump, especially when the camera is zoomed in on him. He looks manic, frantic all the time

      1. Jerri

        Yeah! He seems more human that I thought he would but he also seems dickish, smug and kinda manic compared to Barry.

    1. tessiee

      Ever since Pennsylvania said they had to vote fair and square, Mitt's been putting in some extra time blowing the Koch boys.

  45. BarryOPotter

    If Mitt won't allow a tax cut that's not paid for, then he either won't offer a tax cut, won't pay for it, or he's lying. Hmmm…

  46. SorosBot

    Mitt will not add to the deficit with his tax plan, but won't release any detail. And he won't raise taxes on the rich or the middle class. That makes perfect sense.

  47. bikerlaureate

    If Mitt says his tax plan won't add to the deficit, well then, darn it, it obviously won't!

    What could be clearer?

    Lower taxes on middle-class families don't mean squat if they lose more in deductions than they gain from the lower rates…

  48. JustPixelz

    Romney just called his kids a bunch of liars. Must not have raised 'em right. Also called Obama a liar. Yep … he went there.

  49. AbandonHope_

    I saw a study that said that the study that talked about studious studies about studying killed Professor Plum in the Study with the study.

    Hee hee. Study.

    1. gullywompr

      So sorry that I missed your plea, stump. I would have done what I could, although rage-strokes are not really my specialty.

      Quite the opposite, actually…

  50. SorosBot

    "His big bold idea is nevermind" Haha Obama points out Mittens tax promises are obvious bullshit.

  51. miss_grundy

    He's going to have people pay fees, just like they did in Massachusetts, to make up for revenue. He supposedly passed a funeral tax….

  52. Blueb4sinrise

    IT'S MATH MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (never thought I'd be glad that CNN is streaming C-SPAN FUCKED UP)

  53. Arla

    Why is the MittBot having such a problem enunciating words and phrases with more than two syllables? I thought he was just choking on the phrase "middle income" out of principle, but the words absolutely and completely, among others, appear to be beyond his grasp too.

    1. MittBorg

      I think they gave him something to pep him up. People have been complaining for 18 months now that the guy lacks spirit, charisma, pep, zing, etc. They knew tonight was make-or-break so they gave him some coffee or caffeine pills or speed, and he could hardly talk. He kept tripping over his own tongue, stuttering, stammering, stumbling.

  54. redarmyzombie

    "And I don't think Donald Trump thinks of himself as small…anything!"

    Somehow, there's a Freudian motif here.

  55. Dudleydidwrong

    Romney says he won't lower taxes for the upper class, or raise them for the middle class, or the lower class. Hey, Mitt! Where's the money coming from? Huh? Huh? Huh? (Look behind him and see if he has his fingers crossed.)

  56. mavenmaven

    so dull. I can't watch this part. Mitt is so obfuscatory, and Obama looks scared, surprisingly.

  57. Dudleydidwrong

    "Mr. President, you are exactly right," sayeth the Mitt. Then shut the fuck up and go home with your goddamn tail between your holy underwear.

  58. salt_bagel

    If Lehrer does not take control of this shit, the debate is going collapse under its own gravity.

  59. BarryOPotter

    The small business EMPLOYEES are not taxed at the highest rate cause, and this is just math, most don't EARN enough income to merit that top tax rate. Now, of course, they fucking clean up on capital gains, but that's just as it should be…

    1. glamourdammerung

      Does he have nighttime incontinence and a tendency towards fire-setting?

      No one knows. Anytime someone tries to ask, Ann starts shrieking "STOP IT" and whining about "you people".

      1. Zango Crudmonger

        I do believe it is a pentagram. You can find them on the Mo temple in SLC, too. Whaddaya know.

  60. FakaktaSouth

    Mitt is not impressed. – That'll cost 700K jobs. Bitch, please, Mitt can knock out twice that in five minutes. Come on Bams. get hiiiiiim.

  61. AbandonHope_

    Neither of these guys will ever let the other get the last word on the first question. This debate will last well past the end of the election.

  62. Dudleydidwrong

    Romney's plan didn't work before. But by golly we're going to do it again and again and again until it works. Or until the Rapture takes Romney to Kolob and he can start screwing with another planet.

  63. Come here a minute

    Comments is working fine; I guess it's just "liveblog" that's broken. Fuckit, we'll do it ourselves!

  64. FakaktaSouth

    NO NO you may not make this comment. CAN I PLEASE DO THE NEXT DEBATE? I WILL SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN. Ahem. 2 minutes means two minutes.

  65. sudsmckenzie

    "The website is basically broken for the rest of the night, but stick around!" these two Still haven't splurged for cable – face palm…

  66. coolhandnuke

    Who is this 'middle class" they keep referring to? I heard they were a pretty large tribe up until the late 1980's.

  67. anonymousryan

    Can America survive a black president emulating Clinton? Think of all the chubby white women!

  68. SorosBot

    Romney won't support any tax cut that will ad to the deficit! Even though there is no such animal.

  69. Designer_Rants

    Oooohhhh yeah Barry, talk about the surplus and the jerbs and the Clinton….
    And then Entitled Mitt has to tell the moderator he's going to talk no matter what. shitty.

  70. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Please don't break the internet. I can't get through these things without Wonkette.

  71. BoroPrimorac

    Moral, motherfucker? With the money you have, one can eliminate hunger in several American cities.

    1. AbandonHope_

      Yeah, he's great when lightly roasted with a pear demi-glace and served with a crisp white wine.

      I actually have no idea what I'm talking about, my usual meal is chili or spaghetti as we cannot afford any more.

  72. Self-Uploader

    Think of the children!
    Fuck you, Mitt. Really, the children are being burdened by student loans and many are being more burdened by the privatized colleges and we all know you know people who own those colleges.

    1. redarmyzombie

      Say, wasn't there something a while back about some Republican from a landlocked state wanting to buy an aircraft carrier?

  73. PsycWench

    Oh, Mitt is a Real American. He likes Big Bird. You know, Big Bird is kind of liberal, always sharing that bird seed.

  74. Jerri

    Ok now come on Bammerz, bring it on now. This isn't supposed to be his stump speech time. Kick his ass now.

  75. Dudleydidwrong

    Rmoney likes PBS. Isn't that sweet! But with him, PBS is fucked–"Sorry, Jim. Big Bird is going to have to move to the zoo."

  76. MegPasadena

    Moral issue!
    Mitt's game is to take all the normal Obama lines and use them in a pervasive way.

    1. SorosBot

      Big Bird thinks Mitt's plan to reduce the deficit is going to ruin the country like fucking Elmo did to Sesame Street.

    2. FlyOverGirl

      And fuck you, Mittens. Bert and Ernie just wanna marry, settle down, and raise rubber duckies.

  77. subsum

    Fucking Mittens looks like he had an epiphany: he came out swinging saying he's not going to lower taxes on the rich. He's saying a few things that make sense… I'm not puking… I'm beginning to listen to the motherfucker…. I'm starting to pay attention… fuck! I'm scared, man!

  78. coolhandnuke

    He gave you two minutes Mitt, now STFU or bring out some stagehand with a tazer to stop him.

  79. Negropolis

    Random observations: Romney is more of a quick-fire than I remember him to be. Obama is more zen than I saw him in debates with Hillary.

  80. Trannysurprise

    Nothing says Win like telling Jim when Romney becomes President he will be fucking fired.

    1. Arla

      He even gave him the classic asshole boss line, "I like you, but we're going to have to let you go."

  81. AbandonHope_

    I'm sorry, my snark is currently being suppressed by rage at Money's little "we have to destroy government in order to save it" bullshit.

  82. larrykat

    Ahhhh… the asshole Mitt makes an appearance. Imagine 4 years of press conferences listening to that breathy, rasping voice. Someone else said it here: Romney GW Bush!

  83. Serfville

    I missed the first 1/2 hour. How is Prez doing? I see in 2 seconds high pitched whiney Mittens is on the offensive because Steve Schmidt told him to. Any zingers?

  84. imissopus

    I'm listening but not watching, and Mitt was actually coming off pretty well. Then he started sounding manic a few minutes ago and seems to have gone off the rails a bit. Either way this is one fucking boring debate.

    1. Zango Crudmonger

      He seems to be talking more than Bammerz, too. C'mon Jimmy, cut Mittens off fer fuckssake. With a vote.

  85. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Ever wondered what it would be like if Michael Dukakis debated himself, on the one hand as a Conservative Robot, on the other as a guy with style? You got it. Come on Romney, switch over to kill mode. We need some laughs.

  86. Steverino247

    Aaaaaand my wife just shut off the TV. Said she'd heard Romney say "immoral" one too many times. If Mitt Romney makes MY wife (one of the sweetest humans you'll never meet) mad, he got to be driving all other females, regardless of species, completely insane.

  87. Wadisay

    "When governor Romney stood on a stage with other Republican candidates…"

    Romney shits self.

    1. glamourdammerung

      How it Mitt going to improve schools when he plans to gut the government?

      They will explain it after they win the election.

  88. Negropolis

    The president seems to have a problem that wouldn't be a problem anywhere else of leaving enough space between his sentences that it gives Jim and in to cut him off, whereas Romney speaks so quickly he just steamrolls the moderator.

  89. JustPixelz

    Obama apologized for going over two minutes. Another apology. OH WAIT! It's his first apology evah.

  90. AbandonHope_

    Oh, for the love of God Obama, you had a perfect opening there to scream about the motherfucking obstructionist Congress and you just blew it.

  91. Dudleydidwrong

    Simpson-Bowles, Mitt? "Uh, thanks, but I have my own plan…" Car elevators in every pot and chickens in every living room.

    1. Serfville

      Are you kidding, no snark? In what way is Mittey doing that, I've missed the whole beginning I see Mittey is on attack mode, but I did miss the full 1/2 hour, I wondered if there were any big moments.

      1. AbandonHope_

        It's pretty bad, particularly given the fact that Lehrer would probably let Mitt walk up to Obama, plunge a fucking dagger into his chest, pull it out, and Jim would offer his sleeve to wipe the fucking thing off.

      2. SnarkOff

        The attack is pretty effective, I think. He's being snarky and scolding, and Bamz is looking weak.

  92. chascates

    The National Federation of Small Businesses is so anti-tax Grover Norquist names it in his will.

  93. One_Man_Band

    Romney is just going to talk so fast that nobody will be able to process anything he said.

    1. Negropolis

      I think this is the plan. It's the only sense I'm able to make of his rambling, because if you actually listen to what he's saying, it's not popular with the electorate.

    1. Jerri

      Unfortunately it makes him sound a little human. I want him to yell like he discovered the help polished his brown loafer with black polish.

  94. Dudleydidwrong

    Lehrer must feel like he's a substitute referee at a gigantic gang-bang. When are the regular referees coming back?

    1. NellCote71

      Yes. Spain demographics, economy, history, geography, just like the United States. Good comparison, Rombutt.

  95. subsum

    I think Mittens is kind of getting ahead on this thing. Come on, Barry… kick his ass! Don't you fucking disappoint me!

  96. Mittaplasia

    The needs of the many are outweighed by the needs of the few. Sorry, Spock, but the way you said it is sooo 1960's. And show me some I.D.; I know you are not from these parts.

  97. Humberto_Echo

    Sorry Jim, says the Chinese factory owning plutocrat, you and Big Bird are going to have to clean out desks.

  98. Negropolis

    Okay, Obama's starting to get good. He's going into speech mode where he's far more comfortable.

  99. AlterNewt

    In segment 4, each candidate will be handed a harmonica and asked to

    "Whip that thing out and play us a little somethin"

    1. salt_bagel