Zingers! Zingers! Who will be the first to make one? Who will have better ones? Will the entire debate be nothing but an endless series of zingers, each zingier than the next? Will Jim Lehrer be forced to stand up, pound his desk, and scream “The next candidate to make a zinger loses 30 electoral votes right fucking now” at Obama and Romney? Mystery guest bloggers Ken Layne and Jim Newell will let you know, back here, at 8:30 p.m.! But first, zingers!
As we write these words in Worldwide Wonkette Headquarters (at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC), Mitt Romney is furiously rehearsing zingers prewritten by his staff in the hopes that saying them over and over dozens of times will make them sound more “natural” when he tries to awkwardly work them into responses where they don’t quite fit.
President Obama, meanwhile, is softly humming Al Green to himself while engaging in a powerful pre-debate visualization ceremony, imagining himself delivering one zinger after another until Romney is reduced to a blubbering pile of tears.
I joke, of course. Romney and Obama are both deep in sexual congress with their wives, as is the tradition before all presidential debates.
But what about the zingers? What zingers will we hear tonight? Maybe these!
- “President Obama, I knew Ted Kennedy. I debated Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy wiped the floor with me. You sir, are no Ted Kennedy.”
- “I’ll bet you $10,000 you say something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning.”
- “That thing is a thing that you did not build.”
- “I understand why Governor Romney hasn’t released a detailed tax reform plan yet. All his number people are too busy trying to figure out a way the polls give him a lead in Ohio.”
- “What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That guy.”
- “Yeah, I thought the campaign was done when Trump endorsed Mitt, but somehow I’ve managed to hang on.”
- “DREAM Act? More like NIGHTMARE ACT, amirite?”
- “I’d like to answer your question Jim, but I’m just a victim with no personal responsibility for myself, so I’ll depend on the government to answer that one for me.”
And don’t worry if you miss tonight’s debate. The press will be there tomorrow with hundreds, nay, thousands, of stories telling you who zinged first, who zinged best, and what the zingers mean for you and your family. (Spoiler: Nothing. They mean nothing.)
{ 227 comments }
Romney: Who am I?
What am I doing here?
"Govenor Romney, some have said you are a robot, so perhaps you mean, What am I?"
That's a Who song, right? Is that the intro to CSI: Romney?
Aren't they still trying to gnaw on the dessicated carcass that is " We Don't Know Barack Obama" ?
Aww, I thought you would use my zingers.
Nice thick cream filled zinger .
Vanilla filled with … wait for it … vanilla!
Ken and Jim? Well hot diggity dog, indeed.
Ken Layne?
I heard he was dead.
Before or after the Editrix allegedly dated him?
[ducks]
If 'dead' means 'drinking martinis with some Thai hookers on the beach' then yes… he's quite dead.
No, no, he is become Death, the Destroyer of Debates.
Zingers are all-American! Dolly Madison herself baked the first ones–she was the Hostess with the mostest among our founding Moms. Me, I'll be rooting for the chocolate Zingers tonight. Yum!
James Madison's second greatest accomplishment was writing the Constitution. His first?
Marrying the First Lady of snackcakes herself! Usering in the most celebrated document in history isn't even a close second to being the first to enjoy those delicious treats!
I heard Dolly stitched a few zingers in her day…
I don't care for Egg or
herhis vanilla zingers.Take my Egg, please…
We try to use Egg sparingly.
her?
Too much cholesterol?
Romney: I say there, you look like a black man, you must be in sport.
Do I know the one-percenter who owns you?
Wow. Thank you. Wow.
Obama: Pardon me, do you have any White Poupon?
I cannot stop referring to Blazing Saddles. I just plain cannot.
I want to upfist you so hard a buncha times for this comment.
If they're allowed to ask each other questions, what's the over/under on Mitt asking "Who let the dogs out?" like he usually does when sees a black person?
Romney: I stepped in gum.
Tenleytown library? I thought that got esploded by Michelle Rhee or something. Is it still next to the art deco Sears with the parking lot on the roof?
Well, no more Hechingers, so some things do change.
I remember getting ripped off by that fucking sears for dorm room shit every year! And it was a bitch getting those cinder blocks back from hechingers on the shuttle so we could loft our bunks. The shit I did for pussy back then!
Both the old library and the old Sears got redeveloped. The new library and the Container Store (the ultimate in First World Problem Solvers) that replaced the Sears share very similar interiors, except the library has brighter colors and skylights.
"Mr President, 47% is not a majority"
Mittens: "I'm not familiar precisely with what I said. But I stand by what I said. Whatever it was. "
Obama: "You know, you're in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history."
You are on fire with the snark these days, mon ami.
Why, thank you, LL!
It's a gift. And a curse.
It's a blessing in the UK, I miss snark and sarcasm more than anything else.
I just hope Tuggb Romney is there. He's dreamy.
Romney: Professor Obama claims he is black, a person of color. He checked the box. As you can see, he is not. Nicely tanned, but not colored.
Silvio Berlusconi libel?
"Of Barack Obama, upon his election as US president in November 2008, he said: "[Mr Obama is] young, handsome and suntanned".
His response to the wave of criticism following the remark: ''God save us from imbeciles… How can you take such a great compliment negatively?"
An unabashed Mr Berlusconi rehashed the jibe on his return from the G20 summit in Pittsburgh on 28 September 2009: "Ah, Barack Obama. You won't believe it, but the two of them sunbathe together, because the wife is also tanned.""
That's unbelieveable!! Thanks for pointing that out. His is a rascal.
"Governor Romney also implemented my healthcare plan. Retroactively."
It's now or never. That humor 2.5 patch might not take.
It's a good world when Layne shows up. And Newell's back again?
"It's a good world when Layne shows up."
Not according to him. Oh damn, I accidentally zinged all over myself.
Romney: I like turtles!
All the way down.
Romney: Ann drives 2 Cadillacs, on Kolob.
Judging by her recent appearance on Leno she's driving the Sean John-designed model.
I predict a zinger that is a veiled reference to eating a dog. Followed by a " thought they all liked fried chicken"
Romney is going to make a bid to buy Obama.
The "white knight" trying to "greenmail" Barry? Pretty sure Barry has the "poison pill." Zing!
Car elevator zingers? Seamus zingers?
"Seamus Zingers"
Worst. Flavor. Ever.
Knowing Mitt, he will attempt to instantiate a Zinger, but a Little Debbie Swiss Roll will come out instead.
Ho Ho Libel!
Swiss bank roll?
Likely a little "organic Toblerone" might slip out, upon being confronted by a Those People.
Mitt's going to yell "interception!" and grab Michelle's boob.
Haha just kidding, it's a black boob, he thinks those are gross.
And that chocolate milk is way too stimulating for his taste.
I almost wish he would try it.
She'd knock his block off.
You can pry my zingers from my cold, dead fingers. RMONEY/PALIN 2016!!!!
Romney: If I were a Mexican none of my backers would acknowledge me unless I was driving an old pickup truck with lawnmowers in the back.
Barry: "I'll take Cayman Islands Tax Exceptions for 500, Alex…I'm sorry, what's the question?"
Is it too late to get Drew Carrey to moderate and do an impromptu "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
I could totally see Romney winning a ho-down…
In his mom jeans? Please.
Wayne Brady could fill in for Bammerz. The crackers would never know the difference.
Somehow I think the smarter guy will prevail. The one didn't have to rehearse zingers, who just came by them by being able to think. Something republicans abhor.
"The chronically unemployed are freaking out harder than a dog strapped to the roof of a car."
I'm all zung out just from reading these comments.
Oh what the hell.
Zounds, it's true!
BTW… we have missed your posts…
How was Florida?
It was lovely, against all odds!
And your golf game?
depended on a day. shot a 46 on the front nine of bay hill, though, with a birdie on the hole where tiger raped his mistresses or whatever it was
Florida? Have you retired? If so, from what?
Either way, good to "see" you.
Well, I saw what you did there.
Ginger in the house! The fun begins.
Ron Weasley is doing the liveblog!?
!!!!!! tOOw
That's the spirit!
I know. It's a sad cesspool of bad puns, "memes", and Derik Wildchat.
I promised the five people I have locked up in my root cellar one of them would go free if Newell showed up again, (no pressure) … run Julio run … I hold you responsible for the other four.
My "little pundit" is standing at his podium and at full attention.
Rather than Zingers, I'm actually more interested in seeing which questions Romney awkwardly uses his memorized answers to respond to (aka "pulling a Palin").
Or as I like to say…. Pulling a finger.
Come for the zingers, stay for the gaffes.
I prefer the best boys…….
“What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That
guyone.”FTFY.
People Get Ready! (plus bonus) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooozXzkEqMs
You can thank me later.
I'll thank you now. Well, I guess it's later, now. O screw …
And now, in this corner, the one-term governor of Obamacare. Are you ready to fumbllllllllle?
Zingers are supposed to be spontaneous, no? A quip, thought up and delivered on the fly with devastating affect. A zinger, in the hands of a comedically-challenged novice, is a dangerous thing. You just know that Mitt's gonna step on his dick tonight.
If you are practicing your zingers, U R doing it WRONG!
R-Money will be like a toddler with a chain saw.
Just want to hear Obama say, "I drink your milkshake." Just once.
But then he must drop the mic for effect, and cold walk off the stage.
I'll be happier when he yells, "I'm finished!" to the Secret Service detail who scoop up Romney's neural circuits and wipe the hydraulic fluid off the bowling pin…
i hope romney wears a dark suit so no one notices when he pees himself.
"Wait a minute! I agreed to a debate, NOT to actually answering questions. I ask that the answer be stated in the form of a question…sort of Jeopardy!, like. THEN, and only then, wilI I provide the question that I prefer to answer! Are we clear on the rules now?"
"Back in the hood, we had a saying for guys like Mitt Romney–his car elevator does not reach the top floor."
Romney: "So, do you like… stuff?"
Look in the tunk.
Did you see that Romney's team are lowering expectations even more by saying that Mitt didn't sleep last night because a freight train was outside his hotel ?
If Mitt shows up and strings together one complete sentence, his people and Fuxx will declare it the greatest victory in history.
And Planned Parenthood mounted an all night protest outside the hotel? Beautiful if true.
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Bruuuuuuuuce!
Oh, hell.
Bruuuuuuuuuuce!
Will he show up in a maroon velvet tux?
Even better, they are saying he might do crappy because there was a train keeping him up Monday night. The idea that a potential POTUS cannot recover from a sleepless night after two days… very reassuring.
Where the fuck did he stay, Ramada Inn?
I know, doesn't that sound cheesy.
Marriott, natch.
That train is headed right for him to; and its name is Barry.
Mother Jones Debate Bingo
Starting to get worried Mitt might pull another Univision with the stage makeup – his last October surprise? Also worried by the increasingly alarming beer situation here too.
What does Mitt like with his Zingers, coffee or Scotch?
I know he's not supposed to drink, but what's their position on buttshooting tampoons?
I wouldn't give Mitt that many options.
He likes milk.
(Chocolate if he's feeling naughty.)
I have 10 gallons of home brewed IPA that I just tapped. I hope it lasts the night. Maybe I should invite a friend?
Look out your window.
[waves]
The hoppier the better! I'm most fond of simcoe.
If you play my favorite debate drinking game*, 10 gallons could be a dangerously insufficient amount of beer.
* drink every time the moderator or one of the candidates says something facile.
Someone on Twitter just said that he was hoping for Barry to say " Watchu talking about Willard?".
Was it Gary Coleman?
He is deceased I believe.
We can rule out Dana Plato, Gary Coleman, Conrad Bain, Charlotte Rae and Michael Jackson, so it had to be Todd "Burning" Bridges.
"Alex, I'll take famous negro yachtsman for $10,000."
Can I buy a vowel? Give me an "O".
Bob Barker reminding you: help control the pest population. Have your pet and republican neighbors spayed or neutered.
Sailing off on the Cracker Bay.
"I am a vulcanized rubber compound, and my opponent is adhesive. Every pronouncement caroms off of my surface, and is affixed to him! END OF FILE"
Ha! Comment of the week.
You are really good at this. I now realize I didn't spend enough time chatting with you in SF.
Dang! My Zing-O-Meter got good and broked cuz Miz. Palin cuddn't keep her trap shut-up even during the ads. I had it all fixed, but then ole Akin-face had to hold-forth about air-abortin' yestiddy…an' , well…yer guess gud as mine. I need a drink.
Hear a zinger, drink a Stinger.
"at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC"
But what about the libations?
Awesome comment on DKos:
I know it's not a surprise, But Romney lied again. (15+ / 0-)
The reality. His idiot staff booked him into a hotel that is within a block of the Planned Parenthood clinic. Planned Parenthood orgznized loud well attended protests outside his hotel.
In addition, I wonder why a smart reporter (I know, oxymoron) didn't ask him how he is going to respond to the 3 am call that the Russians are bombing us. He'll just need to go back to sleep and get his beauty sleep and deal with it in the morning.
Congratulations, Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains.
A double fail by the Romney staff. Booking a hotel near a railroad line and booking a hotel near Planned Parenthood. What did you assholes expect?
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
by MMColo on Wed Oct 03, 2012 at 05:48:35 PM EDT
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It seems that "quiet rooms" are hard to find.
This is gonna beat the heck out of RenFest!
But it won't top Stimpypalooza '99. For days we lumbered, wandered in a psychotropic haze searching for Stimpy's first fart. "Stinky where are you?"
email from Barry………..
WTF???
Got it also too, soliciting campaign contribution.
This black guy is always asking for change…
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/10/03/1139383/…
My Cousin Mitty
Snidly Mittlash?, .. sorry warming up my "Zingers".
competent presidential material i see.
I was hoping he got some bad sour cream on his breakfast burrito
Apparently he ate a barbecue sammich and some spaghetti so I am thinking bad farts.
layne and newell! reunion tour!!
Needs some Sara K. Smith and who was that intern guy with the top hat that Breitbart had a crush on?
Don't pretend you've forgotten Waggs.
Freebird!
It's not easy
bein' orange
Zing, Zang…sounds like outsourcing to me.
Hey! The chix on Fox are both wearing non-partisan red shirts!
Ruh-roh…O'Reilly said he's a lonely guy tonight! Hide the falafelzwzzez!
Just don't let me be the poster who doesn't realize for 45 minutes we're on live blog 3.
Faugh, CSPAN's got Open Phones in the lead in to the Debate coverage. These callers make me weep for the Species.
I don't understand why Mittens doesn't hire people to sleep for him. A good executive knows how to delegate.
i hope the number '47' comes up.
It will, if they ask about Mitt's sperm count.
Just remember libtards, for every question Romney answers, there's a video on youtube where he says the complete opposite.
we have decided to watch zingfest with the wonkettes and not the bamz campaign at a charming north side bar.
and I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things.
There's a woman onstage right now that's clearly half Velociraptor. She's frightened the entire audience into sitting down.
I'm sitting down.
i'm too frightened to sit down.
(really i hate these things).
I wish I could sleep through these, but I must watch. At least I get to watch along with a great big batch of brilliantly malicious lunatics. It really helps.
i too am compelled to watch. but i spend the night pacing and drinking.
I have to do this sober tonight. Pray for my furniture.
As far as buzz phrases, I guess we can exclude "kiss my mormon/black ass", but then these guys hate each other so who knows?
Those zingers look like they came from the local 7-Eleven or whatever.
Today is the Obama's 20th anniversary I believe.
That's true, according to NPR. Also true – according to NPR – the Obama's have postponed their anniversary celebration 'till the weekend.
So the Sunday news shows will be about how much their night out cost the taxpayer?
James O'Keefe will be their busboy, with a hidden 'Cam.
Spaghetti dinner is done.
If you're happy and you know it, crack a beer.
HA! we are having chili dinner.
i have already cracked the cab…
Gianelli Grenache here.
I am fighting a cold. I might have to do this on just one beer! Hold me.
I don't drink. I'm scared.
I'll drink a second beer for you then.
The 47% eat TastyKakes.
Oh that takes me back to childhood … "nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a TastyKake!"
Yay! Ken Layne!
I want to have his gay not-baby so that I can have a not-pregnant abortion.
Let's hear it for the INTERNATIONAL BOTTLED WATER ASSOCIATION! WOOHOO!!
oh, and cspan, also too.
They're still tweaking the Zingers for Dummies program for the Mittbot.
Hello everyone! Pretty sure I've not commented since, oh, the last election, but I am lurking here with you always. Let's do this. I am 47% excited.
If you're a guy and you think Rachel Maddow is hot, what does that make you?
An honorary lesbotarian?
A Guy.
Frustrated.
Beat me (off) to that.
I am a straight woman and I would totally do her.
Completely normal (at least in that respect-don't know much else about you. You're on Wonkette, so normality is relative.)
Don't forget Stephanie Miller. She also goes lickety-split, but she is so hawt and smart…
"The owner of the Jerk Store, who's a friend of mine, called and said they're running out of you."
Last minute rehearsal overheard at the Romney Brain Trust Jerk Store http://bit.ly/PbtmZR
i believe we have trolls a-lurking.
I'm out of booze but I do have nearly a full eighth of legally obtained medical marijuana. FOR ANXIETY AND FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY! Let's do this.
do it live!
I am so jealous. I've been drooling (online) at a Seattle dispensary that offers cannabis PHO BROTH!!!!
Oh, hey, here's Rick Santorum hitting it out of the park for Romney, Egg style.
this is so fabulous.
I think they want the audience to remain silent or something.
I'm guessing East Coast Jim will lead off with Desert Dweller Ken closing up shop?
Hey Wonketeers. I've been gone for a while, what with having acquired a job during this Obameconomy and all, but just had to check in to see who's here and what's up with liveblogging tonite! Have to do this with y'all, given the butt-chugging /Staci Campfield/other assorted lunacy I dwell amongst daily down here in Idiotville Tennessee. Let the drinking games begin! woo-hoo!
It has been a while. Welcome back.
I think I am going to watch from elliptical machine. Work off all of my irritation with the Rmoney's answers.
Jim Lerher just told the entire audience to "Sit On It"! Several times! Woah, he's tough.
It hasn't even started yet. What's he going to do when it does start, throw knives?
Scary! Some Mittlette sitting next to Ann Romney looks like an exact half Mitt half Ann. He must be the "Wills" of the Romenians.
Is this the website page that everyone is using to comment on the Mormon gentleman talking with the colored fella? What teevee channel are folks watching?
What's teevee? I'm watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1jXLzNto70
why did the member of the chronic-victim non-taxpaying member of the lowest 47 percentile cross the road?
because that's where they were handing out government cheese . (the judges will also accept "because they didn't have a driver standing by to take them there.")
It's about damn time. These 'replacement Ken and Jim's' have been atrocious!!
I kid, I kid, I love you all, Wonkette.
Wheeeeeee!!!!!! Here we go.
Is it wrong to still love Hopey? I have never wavered in my love.
Just popped the cork on a nice, cold, lightly-oaked Italian white. Which I will drink in its entirely, pretty much at will. Ready to sit back and enjoy the Mittocalypse.
Romneybot: ENGAGE
Mitt will NOT cut taxes on the rich? Teabagger heads exploding already.
I think the Mitt in the Debate tonight was the same Mitt the cop had to deal with when he arrested him dockside lo those many years ago: frustrated, tense, argumentative and, in the end, defeated, but unbowed.
Golf clap
Tiger got the golf clap on that hole?
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