zingerZingers! Zingers! Who will be the first to make one? Who will have better ones? Will the entire debate be nothing but an endless series of zingers, each zingier than the next? Will Jim Lehrer be forced to stand up, pound his desk, and scream “The next candidate to make a zinger loses 30 electoral votes right fucking now” at Obama and Romney? Mystery guest bloggers Ken Layne and Jim Newell will let you know, back here, at 8:30 p.m.! But first, zingers!

As we write these words in Worldwide Wonkette Headquarters (at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC), Mitt Romney is furiously rehearsing zingers prewritten by his staff in the hopes that saying them over and over dozens of times will make them sound more “natural” when he tries to awkwardly work them into responses where they don’t quite fit.

President Obama, meanwhile, is softly humming Al Green to himself while engaging in a powerful pre-debate visualization ceremony, imagining himself delivering one zinger after another until Romney is reduced to a blubbering pile of tears.

I joke, of course. Romney and Obama are both deep in sexual congress with their wives, as is the tradition before all presidential debates.

But what about the zingers? What zingers will we hear tonight? Maybe these!

  • “President Obama, I knew Ted Kennedy. I debated Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy wiped the floor with me. You sir, are no Ted Kennedy.”
  • “I’ll bet you $10,000 you say something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning.”
  • “That thing is a thing that you did not build.”
  • “I understand why Governor Romney hasn’t released a detailed tax reform plan yet. All his number people are too busy trying to figure out a way the polls give him a lead in Ohio.”
  • “What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That guy.”
  • “Yeah, I thought the campaign was done when Trump endorsed Mitt, but somehow I’ve managed to hang on.”
  • “DREAM Act? More like NIGHTMARE ACT, amirite?”
  • “I’d like to answer your question Jim, but I’m just a victim with no personal responsibility for myself, so I’ll depend on the government to answer that one for me.”

And don’t worry if you miss tonight’s debate. The press will be there tomorrow with hundreds, nay, thousands, of stories telling you who zinged first, who zinged best, and what the zingers mean for you and your family. (Spoiler: Nothing. They mean nothing.)

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  • Misty Malarky

    Romney: Who am I?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      What am I doing here?

    • Antispandex

      "Govenor Romney, some have said you are a robot, so perhaps you mean, What am I?"

    • savethispatient

      That's a Who song, right? Is that the intro to CSI: Romney?

    • emmachuur

      Aren't they still trying to gnaw on the dessicated carcass that is " We Don't Know Barack Obama" ?

  • Come here a minute
    • ElPinche

      Nice thick cream filled zinger .

      • Come here a minute

        Vanilla filled with … wait for it … vanilla!

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Ken and Jim? Well hot diggity dog, indeed.

  • keepwalkin

    Ken Layne?

    I heard he was dead.

    • Before or after the Editrix allegedly dated him?


    • simlasa

      If 'dead' means 'drinking martinis with some Thai hookers on the beach' then yes… he's quite dead.

    • bobbert

      No, no, he is become Death, the Destroyer of Debates.

  • cousinitt

    Zingers are all-American! Dolly Madison herself baked the first ones–she was the Hostess with the mostest among our founding Moms. Me, I'll be rooting for the chocolate Zingers tonight. Yum!

    • BarackMyWorld

      James Madison's second greatest accomplishment was writing the Constitution. His first?
      Marrying the First Lady of snackcakes herself! Usering in the most celebrated document in history isn't even a close second to being the first to enjoy those delicious treats!

    • LibertyLover

      I heard Dolly stitched a few zingers in her day…

    • kittensdontlie

      I don't care for Egg or her his vanilla zingers.

  • Take my Egg, please…

    • tihond

      We try to use Egg sparingly.

  • Romney: I say there, you look like a black man, you must be in sport.

    • Do I know the one-percenter who owns you?

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Wow. Thank you. Wow.

    • Obama: Pardon me, do you have any White Poupon?

    • emmachuur

      I cannot stop referring to Blazing Saddles. I just plain cannot.

    • emmachuur

      I want to upfist you so hard a buncha times for this comment.

  • BarackMyWorld

    If they're allowed to ask each other questions, what's the over/under on Mitt asking "Who let the dogs out?" like he usually does when sees a black person?

  • Romney: I stepped in gum.

  • b[redact]opple

    Tenleytown library? I thought that got esploded by Michelle Rhee or something. Is it still next to the art deco Sears with the parking lot on the roof?

    • Well, no more Hechingers, so some things do change.

    • mayor_quimby

      I remember getting ripped off by that fucking sears for dorm room shit every year! And it was a bitch getting those cinder blocks back from hechingers on the shuttle so we could loft our bunks. The shit I did for pussy back then!

    • payton

      Both the old library and the old Sears got redeveloped. The new library and the Container Store (the ultimate in First World Problem Solvers) that replaced the Sears share very similar interiors, except the library has brighter colors and skylights.

  • "Mr President, 47% is not a majority"

  • C_R_Eature

    Mittens: "I'm not familiar precisely with what I said. But I stand by what I said. Whatever it was. "

    Obama: "You know, you're in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history."

    • Limeylizzie

      You are on fire with the snark these days, mon ami.

      • C_R_Eature

        Why, thank you, LL!

        It's a gift. And a curse.

        • Limeylizzie

          It's a blessing in the UK, I miss snark and sarcasm more than anything else.

  • tihond

    I just hope Tuggb Romney is there. He's dreamy.

  • kittensdontlie

    Romney: Professor Obama claims he is black, a person of color. He checked the box. As you can see, he is not. Nicely tanned, but not colored.

    • tessiee

      Silvio Berlusconi libel?

      "Of Barack Obama, upon his election as US president in November 2008, he said: "[Mr Obama is] young, handsome and suntanned".

      His response to the wave of criticism following the remark: ''God save us from imbeciles… How can you take such a great compliment negatively?"

      An unabashed Mr Berlusconi rehashed the jibe on his return from the G20 summit in Pittsburgh on 28 September 2009: "Ah, Barack Obama. You won't believe it, but the two of them sunbathe together, because the wife is also tanned.""

      • kittensdontlie

        That's unbelieveable!! Thanks for pointing that out. His is a rascal.

  • "Governor Romney also implemented my healthcare plan. Retroactively."

  • It's now or never. That humor 2.5 patch might not take.

  • It's a good world when Layne shows up. And Newell's back again?

    • HateMachine

      "It's a good world when Layne shows up."

      Not according to him. Oh damn, I accidentally zinged all over myself.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Romney: I like turtles!

    • bobbert

      All the way down.

  • Romney: Ann drives 2 Cadillacs, on Kolob.

    • Judging by her recent appearance on Leno she's driving the Sean John-designed model.

  • Pithaughn

    I predict a zinger that is a veiled reference to eating a dog. Followed by a " thought they all liked fried chicken"

  • DrunkIrishman

    Romney is going to make a bid to buy Obama.

    • Not_Mother

      The "white knight" trying to "greenmail" Barry? Pretty sure Barry has the "poison pill." Zing!

  • mavenmaven

    Car elevator zingers? Seamus zingers?

    • Gleem McShineys

      "Seamus Zingers"

      Worst. Flavor. Ever.

  • SmutBoffin

    Knowing Mitt, he will attempt to instantiate a Zinger, but a Little Debbie Swiss Roll will come out instead.

    • Crank_Tango

      Ho Ho Libel!

    • PubOption

      Swiss bank roll?

    • Gleem McShineys

      Likely a little "organic Toblerone" might slip out, upon being confronted by a Those People.

  • BloviateMe

    Mitt's going to yell "interception!" and grab Michelle's boob.

    Haha just kidding, it's a black boob, he thinks those are gross.

    • kittensdontlie

      And that chocolate milk is way too stimulating for his taste.

    • tessiee

      I almost wish he would try it.
      She'd knock his block off.

  • Crank_Tango

    You can pry my zingers from my cold, dead fingers. RMONEY/PALIN 2016!!!!

  • Romney: If I were a Mexican none of my backers would acknowledge me unless I was driving an old pickup truck with lawnmowers in the back.

  • Barry: "I'll take Cayman Islands Tax Exceptions for 500, Alex…I'm sorry, what's the question?"

  • LibertyLover

    Is it too late to get Drew Carrey to moderate and do an impromptu "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

    • SavageDrummer

      I could totally see Romney winning a ho-down…

      • LibertyLover

        In his mom jeans? Please.

    • BloviateMe

      Wayne Brady could fill in for Bammerz. The crackers would never know the difference.

  • Beowoof

    Somehow I think the smarter guy will prevail. The one didn't have to rehearse zingers, who just came by them by being able to think. Something republicans abhor.

  • Sassomatic

    "The chronically unemployed are freaking out harder than a dog strapped to the roof of a car."

  • salt_bagel

    I'm all zung out just from reading these comments.

  • Oh what the hell.

    • C_R_Eature

      Zounds, it's true!

    • LibertyLover

      BTW… we have missed your posts…

    • iTuna

      How was Florida?

      • It was lovely, against all odds!

        • iTuna

          And your golf game?

          • depended on a day. shot a 46 on the front nine of bay hill, though, with a birdie on the hole where tiger raped his mistresses or whatever it was

          • coolhandnuke

            Golf clap

          • bobbert

            Tiger got the golf clap on that hole?

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Florida? Have you retired? If so, from what?
          Either way, good to "see" you.

        • bobbert

          Well, I saw what you did there.

    • Limeylizzie

      Ginger in the house! The fun begins.

      • AbandonHope_

        Ron Weasley is doing the liveblog!?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      !!!!!! tOOw

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      That's the spirit!

    • I know. It's a sad cesspool of bad puns, "memes", and Derik Wildchat.

    • sudsmckenzie

      I promised the five people I have locked up in my root cellar one of them would go free if Newell showed up again, (no pressure) … run Julio run … I hold you responsible for the other four.

    • CapnFatback

      My "little pundit" is standing at his podium and at full attention.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Rather than Zingers, I'm actually more interested in seeing which questions Romney awkwardly uses his memorized answers to respond to (aka "pulling a Palin").

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Or as I like to say…. Pulling a finger.

  • Selfish_T

    Come for the zingers, stay for the gaffes.

    • LibertyLover

      I prefer the best boys…….

  • Caelan Aegana

    “What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That guy one.”


  • AddHomonym

    People Get Ready! (plus bonus)
    You can thank me later.

    • bobbert

      I'll thank you now. Well, I guess it's later, now. O screw …

  • Detesticle

    And now, in this corner, the one-term governor of Obamacare. Are you ready to fumbllllllllle?

  • HarryButtle

    Zingers are supposed to be spontaneous, no? A quip, thought up and delivered on the fly with devastating affect. A zinger, in the hands of a comedically-challenged novice, is a dangerous thing. You just know that Mitt's gonna step on his dick tonight.

    If you are practicing your zingers, U R doing it WRONG!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      R-Money will be like a toddler with a chain saw.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Just want to hear Obama say, "I drink your milkshake." Just once.

    • Biff

      But then he must drop the mic for effect, and cold walk off the stage.

    • Steverino247

      I'll be happier when he yells, "I'm finished!" to the Secret Service detail who scoop up Romney's neural circuits and wipe the hydraulic fluid off the bowling pin…

  • An_Outhouse

    i hope romney wears a dark suit so no one notices when he pees himself.

  • Antispandex

    "Wait a minute! I agreed to a debate, NOT to actually answering questions. I ask that the answer be stated in the form of a question…sort of Jeopardy!, like. THEN, and only then, wilI I provide the question that I prefer to answer! Are we clear on the rules now?"

  • coolhandnuke

    "Back in the hood, we had a saying for guys like Mitt Romney–his car elevator does not reach the top floor."

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Romney: "So, do you like… stuff?"

    • tessiee

      Look in the tunk.

  • Limeylizzie

    Did you see that Romney's team are lowering expectations even more by saying that Mitt didn't sleep last night because a freight train was outside his hotel ?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      If Mitt shows up and strings together one complete sentence, his people and Fuxx will declare it the greatest victory in history.

    • And Planned Parenthood mounted an all night protest outside the hotel? Beautiful if true.

    • coolhandnuke

      At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
      And a freight train running through the
      Middle of my head

      • Bruuuuuuuuce!

        • bobbert

          Oh, hell.


    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Will he show up in a maroon velvet tux?

    • shelwood46

      Even better, they are saying he might do crappy because there was a train keeping him up Monday night. The idea that a potential POTUS cannot recover from a sleepless night after two days… very reassuring.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Where the fuck did he stay, Ramada Inn?

      • Limeylizzie

        I know, doesn't that sound cheesy.

      • bobbert

        Marriott, natch.

    • ttommyunger

      That train is headed right for him to; and its name is Barry.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Starting to get worried Mitt might pull another Univision with the stage makeup – his last October surprise? Also worried by the increasingly alarming beer situation here too.

  • JackObin

    What does Mitt like with his Zingers, coffee or Scotch?

    • Biff

      I know he's not supposed to drink, but what's their position on buttshooting tampoons?

    • spareme

      I wouldn't give Mitt that many options.

    • He likes milk.
      (Chocolate if he's feeling naughty.)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I have 10 gallons of home brewed IPA that I just tapped. I hope it lasts the night. Maybe I should invite a friend?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Look out your window.


    • chascates

      The hoppier the better! I'm most fond of simcoe.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      If you play my favorite debate drinking game*, 10 gallons could be a dangerously insufficient amount of beer.

      * drink every time the moderator or one of the candidates says something facile.

  • Limeylizzie

    Someone on Twitter just said that he was hoping for Barry to say " Watchu talking about Willard?".

    • Was it Gary Coleman?

      • Limeylizzie

        He is deceased I believe.

    • coolhandnuke

      We can rule out Dana Plato, Gary Coleman, Conrad Bain, Charlotte Rae and Michael Jackson, so it had to be Todd "Burning" Bridges.

  • coolhandnuke

    "Alex, I'll take famous negro yachtsman for $10,000."

    • Can I buy a vowel? Give me an "O".

      • coolhandnuke

        Bob Barker reminding you: help control the pest population. Have your pet and republican neighbors spayed or neutered.

    • Beowoof

      Sailing off on the Cracker Bay.

  • Gleem McShineys

    "I am a vulcanized rubber compound, and my opponent is adhesive. Every pronouncement caroms off of my surface, and is affixed to him! END OF FILE"

    • Jerri

      Ha! Comment of the week.

    • bobbert

      You are really good at this. I now realize I didn't spend enough time chatting with you in SF.

  • dawgeral

    Dang! My Zing-O-Meter got good and broked cuz Miz. Palin cuddn't keep her trap shut-up even during the ads. I had it all fixed, but then ole Akin-face had to hold-forth about air-abortin' yestiddy…an' , well…yer guess gud as mine. I need a drink.

  • Hear a zinger, drink a Stinger.

  • Terry

    "at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC"

    But what about the libations?

  • Awesome comment on DKos:

    I know it's not a surprise, But Romney lied again. (15+ / 0-)
    The reality. His idiot staff booked him into a hotel that is within a block of the Planned Parenthood clinic. Planned Parenthood orgznized loud well attended protests outside his hotel.

    In addition, I wonder why a smart reporter (I know, oxymoron) didn't ask him how he is going to respond to the 3 am call that the Russians are bombing us. He'll just need to go back to sleep and get his beauty sleep and deal with it in the morning.

    Congratulations, Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains.

    A double fail by the Romney staff. Booking a hotel near a railroad line and booking a hotel near Planned Parenthood. What did you assholes expect?


    by MMColo on Wed Oct 03, 2012 at 05:48:35 PM EDT

    [ Reply to This | Recommend Hide ]

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It seems that "quiet rooms" are hard to find.

  • This is gonna beat the heck out of RenFest!

    • coolhandnuke

      But it won't top Stimpypalooza '99. For days we lumbered, wandered in a psychotropic haze searching for Stimpy's first fart. "Stinky where are you?"

  • Blueb4sinrise

    email from Barry………..

    Can't wait to see what you do tonight.



    • gullywompr

      Got it also too, soliciting campaign contribution.

      This black guy is always asking for change…

  • Limeylizzie
    • CapnFatback
    • sudsmckenzie

      Snidly Mittlash?, .. sorry warming up my "Zingers".

    • competent presidential material i see.

    • Terry

      I was hoping he got some bad sour cream on his breakfast burrito

      • Limeylizzie

        Apparently he ate a barbecue sammich and some spaghetti so I am thinking bad farts.

  • layne and newell! reunion tour!!

    • chascates

      Needs some Sara K. Smith and who was that intern guy with the top hat that Breitbart had a crush on?

      • bobbert

        Don't pretend you've forgotten Waggs.

    • HobbesEvilTwin


  • Misty Malarky

    It's not easy
    bein' orange

  • Warpde

    Zing, Zang…sounds like outsourcing to me.

  • emmachuur

    Hey! The chix on Fox are both wearing non-partisan red shirts!

  • emmachuur

    Ruh-roh…O'Reilly said he's a lonely guy tonight! Hide the falafelzwzzez!

  • EdFlintstone

    Just don't let me be the poster who doesn't realize for 45 minutes we're on live blog 3.

  • C_R_Eature

    Faugh, CSPAN's got Open Phones in the lead in to the Debate coverage. These callers make me weep for the Species.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    I don't understand why Mittens doesn't hire people to sleep for him. A good executive knows how to delegate.

  • i hope the number '47' comes up.

    • Barrelhse

      It will, if they ask about Mitt's sperm count.

  • ElPinche

    Just remember libtards, for every question Romney answers, there's a video on youtube where he says the complete opposite.

  • we have decided to watch zingfest with the wonkettes and not the bamz campaign at a charming north side bar.

    and I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things.

  • C_R_Eature

    There's a woman onstage right now that's clearly half Velociraptor. She's frightened the entire audience into sitting down.

    I'm sitting down.

    • i'm too frightened to sit down.

      (really i hate these things).

      • C_R_Eature

        I wish I could sleep through these, but I must watch. At least I get to watch along with a great big batch of brilliantly malicious lunatics. It really helps.

        • i too am compelled to watch. but i spend the night pacing and drinking.

          • C_R_Eature

            I have to do this sober tonight. Pray for my furniture.

  • stew1

    As far as buzz phrases, I guess we can exclude "kiss my mormon/black ass", but then these guys hate each other so who knows?

  • Abernathy

    Those zingers look like they came from the local 7-Eleven or whatever.

  • chascates

    Today is the Obama's 20th anniversary I believe.

    • C_R_Eature

      That's true, according to NPR. Also true – according to NPR – the Obama's have postponed their anniversary celebration 'till the weekend.

      • chascates

        So the Sunday news shows will be about how much their night out cost the taxpayer?

        • C_R_Eature

          James O'Keefe will be their busboy, with a hidden 'Cam.

  • Barbara_

    Spaghetti dinner is done.
    If you're happy and you know it, crack a beer.

    • HA! we are having chili dinner.

      i have already cracked the cab…

    • bobbert

      Gianelli Grenache here.

  • Jerri

    I am fighting a cold. I might have to do this on just one beer! Hold me.

    • ProgressiveInga

      I don't drink. I'm scared.

      • Jerri

        I'll drink a second beer for you then.

  • Misty Malarky

    The 47% eat TastyKakes.

    • HistoriCat

      Oh that takes me back to childhood … "nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a TastyKake!"

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Yay! Ken Layne!
    I want to have his gay not-baby so that I can have a not-pregnant abortion.

  • C_R_Eature


    oh, and cspan, also too.

  • Mittaplasia

    They're still tweaking the Zingers for Dummies program for the Mittbot.

  • Bramlet Abercrombie

    Hello everyone! Pretty sure I've not commented since, oh, the last election, but I am lurking here with you always. Let's do this. I am 47% excited.

  • stew1

    If you're a guy and you think Rachel Maddow is hot, what does that make you?

    • ProgressiveInga

      An honorary lesbotarian?

    • C_R_Eature

      A Guy.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr


      • bobbert

        Beat me (off) to that.

    • Limeylizzie

      I am a straight woman and I would totally do her.

    • MosesInvests

      Completely normal (at least in that respect-don't know much else about you. You're on Wonkette, so normality is relative.)

    • ttommyunger

      Don't forget Stephanie Miller. She also goes lickety-split, but she is so hawt and smart…

  • Studebaker Hawk

    "The owner of the Jerk Store, who's a friend of mine, called and said they're running out of you."

  • Not_Mother

    Last minute rehearsal overheard at the Romney Brain Trust Jerk Store

  • i believe we have trolls a-lurking.

  • I'm out of booze but I do have nearly a full eighth of legally obtained medical marijuana. FOR ANXIETY AND FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY! Let's do this.

    • do it live!

    • chascates

      I am so jealous. I've been drooling (online) at a Seattle dispensary that offers cannabis PHO BROTH!!!!

  • Come here a minute

    Oh, hey, here's Rick Santorum hitting it out of the park for Romney, Egg style.

  • Bramlet Abercrombie

    I think they want the audience to remain silent or something.

  • chascates

    I'm guessing East Coast Jim will lead off with Desert Dweller Ken closing up shop?

  • Tilley

    Hey Wonketeers. I've been gone for a while, what with having acquired a job during this Obameconomy and all, but just had to check in to see who's here and what's up with liveblogging tonite! Have to do this with y'all, given the butt-chugging /Staci Campfield/other assorted lunacy I dwell amongst daily down here in Idiotville Tennessee. Let the drinking games begin! woo-hoo!

    • bobbert

      It has been a while. Welcome back.

  • Beowoof

    I think I am going to watch from elliptical machine. Work off all of my irritation with the Rmoney's answers.

  • C_R_Eature

    Jim Lerher just told the entire audience to "Sit On It"! Several times! Woah, he's tough.

    It hasn't even started yet. What's he going to do when it does start, throw knives?

  • emmachuur

    Scary! Some Mittlette sitting next to Ann Romney looks like an exact half Mitt half Ann. He must be the "Wills" of the Romenians.

  • Moniker Lewinsky

    Is this the website page that everyone is using to comment on the Mormon gentleman talking with the colored fella? What teevee channel are folks watching?

  • kingofmeh

    why did the member of the chronic-victim non-taxpaying member of the lowest 47 percentile cross the road?

    because that's where they were handing out government cheese . (the judges will also accept "because they didn't have a driver standing by to take them there.")

  • YerMa

    It's about damn time. These 'replacement Ken and Jim's' have been atrocious!!

    I kid, I kid, I love you all, Wonkette.

  • Limeylizzie

    Wheeeeeee!!!!!! Here we go.

  • Limeylizzie

    Is it wrong to still love Hopey? I have never wavered in my love.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just popped the cork on a nice, cold, lightly-oaked Italian white. Which I will drink in its entirely, pretty much at will. Ready to sit back and enjoy the Mittocalypse.

  • Moniker Lewinsky

    Romneybot: ENGAGE

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt will NOT cut taxes on the rich? Teabagger heads exploding already.

  • ttommyunger

    I think the Mitt in the Debate tonight was the same Mitt the cop had to deal with when he arrested him dockside lo those many years ago: frustrated, tense, argumentative and, in the end, defeated, but unbowed.

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