people get ready

ZingFest 2012 Is Almost Upon Us

zingerZingers! Zingers! Who will be the first to make one? Who will have better ones? Will the entire debate be nothing but an endless series of zingers, each zingier than the next? Will Jim Lehrer be forced to stand up, pound his desk, and scream “The next candidate to make a zinger loses 30 electoral votes right fucking now” at Obama and Romney? Mystery guest bloggers Ken Layne and Jim Newell will let you know, back here, at 8:30 p.m.! But first, zingers!

As we write these words in Worldwide Wonkette Headquarters (at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC), Mitt Romney is furiously rehearsing zingers prewritten by his staff in the hopes that saying them over and over dozens of times will make them sound more “natural” when he tries to awkwardly work them into responses where they don’t quite fit.

President Obama, meanwhile, is softly humming Al Green to himself while engaging in a powerful pre-debate visualization ceremony, imagining himself delivering one zinger after another until Romney is reduced to a blubbering pile of tears.

I joke, of course. Romney and Obama are both deep in sexual congress with their wives, as is the tradition before all presidential debates.

But what about the zingers? What zingers will we hear tonight? Maybe these!

  • “President Obama, I knew Ted Kennedy. I debated Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy wiped the floor with me. You sir, are no Ted Kennedy.”
  • “I’ll bet you $10,000 you say something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning.”
  • “That thing is a thing that you did not build.”
  • “I understand why Governor Romney hasn’t released a detailed tax reform plan yet. All his number people are too busy trying to figure out a way the polls give him a lead in Ohio.”
  • “What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That guy.”
  • “Yeah, I thought the campaign was done when Trump endorsed Mitt, but somehow I’ve managed to hang on.”
  • “DREAM Act? More like NIGHTMARE ACT, amirite?”
  • “I’d like to answer your question Jim, but I’m just a victim with no personal responsibility for myself, so I’ll depend on the government to answer that one for me.”

And don’t worry if you miss tonight’s debate. The press will be there tomorrow with hundreds, nay, thousands, of stories telling you who zinged first, who zinged best, and what the zingers mean for you and your family. (Spoiler: Nothing. They mean nothing.)

About the author

Jesse Berney has provided a voice online for a wide array of Democrats and progressives, including Bill and Hillary Clinton. He is currently the principal of Jefferson Street Strategies, an Internet communications, strategy, and fundraising consulting firm. You can find him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jesseberney

View all articles by Jesse Berney
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227 comments

    1. emmachuur

      Aren't they still trying to gnaw on the dessicated carcass that is " We Don't Know Barack Obama" ?

    1. simlasa

      If 'dead' means 'drinking martinis with some Thai hookers on the beach' then yes… he's quite dead.

  1. cousinitt

    Zingers are all-American! Dolly Madison herself baked the first ones–she was the Hostess with the mostest among our founding Moms. Me, I'll be rooting for the chocolate Zingers tonight. Yum!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      James Madison's second greatest accomplishment was writing the Constitution. His first?
      Marrying the First Lady of snackcakes herself! Usering in the most celebrated document in history isn't even a close second to being the first to enjoy those delicious treats!

  2. BarackMyWorld

    If they're allowed to ask each other questions, what's the over/under on Mitt asking "Who let the dogs out?" like he usually does when sees a black person?

  3. b[redact]opple

    Tenleytown library? I thought that got esploded by Michelle Rhee or something. Is it still next to the art deco Sears with the parking lot on the roof?

    1. mayor_quimby

      I remember getting ripped off by that fucking sears for dorm room shit every year! And it was a bitch getting those cinder blocks back from hechingers on the shuttle so we could loft our bunks. The shit I did for pussy back then!

    2. payton

      Both the old library and the old Sears got redeveloped. The new library and the Container Store (the ultimate in First World Problem Solvers) that replaced the Sears share very similar interiors, except the library has brighter colors and skylights.

  4. C_R_Eature

    Mittens: "I'm not familiar precisely with what I said. But I stand by what I said. Whatever it was. "

    Obama: "You know, you're in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history."

  5. kittensdontlie

    Romney: Professor Obama claims he is black, a person of color. He checked the box. As you can see, he is not. Nicely tanned, but not colored.

    1. tessiee

      Silvio Berlusconi libel?

      "Of Barack Obama, upon his election as US president in November 2008, he said: "[Mr Obama is] young, handsome and suntanned".

      His response to the wave of criticism following the remark: ''God save us from imbeciles… How can you take such a great compliment negatively?"

      An unabashed Mr Berlusconi rehashed the jibe on his return from the G20 summit in Pittsburgh on 28 September 2009: "Ah, Barack Obama. You won't believe it, but the two of them sunbathe together, because the wife is also tanned.""

    1. HateMachine

      "It's a good world when Layne shows up."

      Not according to him. Oh damn, I accidentally zinged all over myself.

  6. Pithaughn

    I predict a zinger that is a veiled reference to eating a dog. Followed by a " thought they all liked fried chicken"

    1. Not_Mother

      The "white knight" trying to "greenmail" Barry? Pretty sure Barry has the "poison pill." Zing!

  7. SmutBoffin

    Knowing Mitt, he will attempt to instantiate a Zinger, but a Little Debbie Swiss Roll will come out instead.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Likely a little "organic Toblerone" might slip out, upon being confronted by a Those People.

  8. BloviateMe

    Mitt's going to yell "interception!" and grab Michelle's boob.

    Haha just kidding, it's a black boob, he thinks those are gross.

  9. LibertyLover

    Is it too late to get Drew Carrey to moderate and do an impromptu "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

  10. Beowoof

    Somehow I think the smarter guy will prevail. The one didn't have to rehearse zingers, who just came by them by being able to think. Something republicans abhor.

  11. Sassomatic

    "The chronically unemployed are freaking out harder than a dog strapped to the roof of a car."

          1. Jim Newell

            depended on a day. shot a 46 on the front nine of bay hill, though, with a birdie on the hole where tiger raped his mistresses or whatever it was

    1. sudsmckenzie

      I promised the five people I have locked up in my root cellar one of them would go free if Newell showed up again, (no pressure) … run Julio run … I hold you responsible for the other four.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    Rather than Zingers, I'm actually more interested in seeing which questions Romney awkwardly uses his memorized answers to respond to (aka "pulling a Palin").

  13. Caelan Aegana

    “What’s black and white and has failed to get unemployment under 8 percent? That guy one.”

    FTFY.

  14. Detesticle

    And now, in this corner, the one-term governor of Obamacare. Are you ready to fumbllllllllle?

  15. HarryButtle

    Zingers are supposed to be spontaneous, no? A quip, thought up and delivered on the fly with devastating affect. A zinger, in the hands of a comedically-challenged novice, is a dangerous thing. You just know that Mitt's gonna step on his dick tonight.

    If you are practicing your zingers, U R doing it WRONG!

    1. Steverino247

      I'll be happier when he yells, "I'm finished!" to the Secret Service detail who scoop up Romney's neural circuits and wipe the hydraulic fluid off the bowling pin…

  16. Antispandex

    "Wait a minute! I agreed to a debate, NOT to actually answering questions. I ask that the answer be stated in the form of a question…sort of Jeopardy!, like. THEN, and only then, wilI I provide the question that I prefer to answer! Are we clear on the rules now?"

  17. coolhandnuke

    "Back in the hood, we had a saying for guys like Mitt Romney–his car elevator does not reach the top floor."

  18. Limeylizzie

    Did you see that Romney's team are lowering expectations even more by saying that Mitt didn't sleep last night because a freight train was outside his hotel ?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      If Mitt shows up and strings together one complete sentence, his people and Fuxx will declare it the greatest victory in history.

    2. coolhandnuke

      At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
      And a freight train running through the
      Middle of my head

    3. shelwood46

      Even better, they are saying he might do crappy because there was a train keeping him up Monday night. The idea that a potential POTUS cannot recover from a sleepless night after two days… very reassuring.

  19. BlueStateLibel

    Starting to get worried Mitt might pull another Univision with the stage makeup – his last October surprise? Also worried by the increasingly alarming beer situation here too.

  20. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I have 10 gallons of home brewed IPA that I just tapped. I hope it lasts the night. Maybe I should invite a friend?

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      If you play my favorite debate drinking game*, 10 gallons could be a dangerously insufficient amount of beer.

      * drink every time the moderator or one of the candidates says something facile.

  21. Limeylizzie

    Someone on Twitter just said that he was hoping for Barry to say " Watchu talking about Willard?".

    1. coolhandnuke

      We can rule out Dana Plato, Gary Coleman, Conrad Bain, Charlotte Rae and Michael Jackson, so it had to be Todd "Burning" Bridges.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Bob Barker reminding you: help control the pest population. Have your pet and republican neighbors spayed or neutered.

  22. Gleem McShineys

    "I am a vulcanized rubber compound, and my opponent is adhesive. Every pronouncement caroms off of my surface, and is affixed to him! END OF FILE"

  23. dawgeral

    Dang! My Zing-O-Meter got good and broked cuz Miz. Palin cuddn't keep her trap shut-up even during the ads. I had it all fixed, but then ole Akin-face had to hold-forth about air-abortin' yestiddy…an' , well…yer guess gud as mine. I need a drink.

  24. Terry

    "at the moment, the surprisingly lovely Tenleytown Public Library in DC"

    But what about the libations?

  25. mrblifil

    Awesome comment on DKos:

    I know it's not a surprise, But Romney lied again. (15+ / 0-)
    The reality. His idiot staff booked him into a hotel that is within a block of the Planned Parenthood clinic. Planned Parenthood orgznized loud well attended protests outside his hotel.

    In addition, I wonder why a smart reporter (I know, oxymoron) didn't ask him how he is going to respond to the 3 am call that the Russians are bombing us. He'll just need to go back to sleep and get his beauty sleep and deal with it in the morning.

    Congratulations, Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains.

    A double fail by the Romney staff. Booking a hotel near a railroad line and booking a hotel near Planned Parenthood. What did you assholes expect?

    Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    by MMColo on Wed Oct 03, 2012 at 05:48:35 PM EDT

    [ Reply to This | Recommend Hide ]

    1. coolhandnuke

      But it won't top Stimpypalooza '99. For days we lumbered, wandered in a psychotropic haze searching for Stimpy's first fart. "Stinky where are you?"

    1. gullywompr

      Got it also too, soliciting campaign contribution.

      This black guy is always asking for change…

    1. chascates

      Needs some Sara K. Smith and who was that intern guy with the top hat that Breitbart had a crush on?

  26. C_R_Eature

    Faugh, CSPAN's got Open Phones in the lead in to the Debate coverage. These callers make me weep for the Species.

  27. IceCreamEmpress

    I don't understand why Mittens doesn't hire people to sleep for him. A good executive knows how to delegate.

  28. ElPinche

    Just remember libtards, for every question Romney answers, there's a video on youtube where he says the complete opposite.

  29. fuflans

    we have decided to watch zingfest with the wonkettes and not the bamz campaign at a charming north side bar.

    and I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things.

  30. C_R_Eature

    There's a woman onstage right now that's clearly half Velociraptor. She's frightened the entire audience into sitting down.

    I'm sitting down.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I wish I could sleep through these, but I must watch. At least I get to watch along with a great big batch of brilliantly malicious lunatics. It really helps.

  31. stew1

    As far as buzz phrases, I guess we can exclude "kiss my mormon/black ass", but then these guys hate each other so who knows?

    1. C_R_Eature

      That's true, according to NPR. Also true – according to NPR – the Obama's have postponed their anniversary celebration 'till the weekend.

  32. HobbesEvilTwin

    Yay! Ken Layne!
    I want to have his gay not-baby so that I can have a not-pregnant abortion.

  33. C_R_Eature

    Let's hear it for the INTERNATIONAL BOTTLED WATER ASSOCIATION! WOOHOO!!

    oh, and cspan, also too.

  34. Bramlet Abercrombie

    Hello everyone! Pretty sure I've not commented since, oh, the last election, but I am lurking here with you always. Let's do this. I am 47% excited.

    1. MosesInvests

      Completely normal (at least in that respect-don't know much else about you. You're on Wonkette, so normality is relative.)

  35. Studebaker Hawk

    "The owner of the Jerk Store, who's a friend of mine, called and said they're running out of you."

  36. imissopus

    I'm out of booze but I do have nearly a full eighth of legally obtained medical marijuana. FOR ANXIETY AND FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY! Let's do this.

    1. chascates

      I am so jealous. I've been drooling (online) at a Seattle dispensary that offers cannabis PHO BROTH!!!!

  37. Tilley

    Hey Wonketeers. I've been gone for a while, what with having acquired a job during this Obameconomy and all, but just had to check in to see who's here and what's up with liveblogging tonite! Have to do this with y'all, given the butt-chugging /Staci Campfield/other assorted lunacy I dwell amongst daily down here in Idiotville Tennessee. Let the drinking games begin! woo-hoo!

  38. Beowoof

    I think I am going to watch from elliptical machine. Work off all of my irritation with the Rmoney's answers.

  39. C_R_Eature

    Jim Lerher just told the entire audience to "Sit On It"! Several times! Woah, he's tough.

    It hasn't even started yet. What's he going to do when it does start, throw knives?

  40. emmachuur

    Scary! Some Mittlette sitting next to Ann Romney looks like an exact half Mitt half Ann. He must be the "Wills" of the Romenians.

  41. Moniker Lewinsky

    Is this the website page that everyone is using to comment on the Mormon gentleman talking with the colored fella? What teevee channel are folks watching?

  42. kingofmeh

    why did the member of the chronic-victim non-taxpaying member of the lowest 47 percentile cross the road?

    because that's where they were handing out government cheese . (the judges will also accept "because they didn't have a driver standing by to take them there.")

  43. YerMa

    It's about damn time. These 'replacement Ken and Jim's' have been atrocious!!

    I kid, I kid, I love you all, Wonkette.

  44. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just popped the cork on a nice, cold, lightly-oaked Italian white. Which I will drink in its entirely, pretty much at will. Ready to sit back and enjoy the Mittocalypse.

  45. ttommyunger

    I think the Mitt in the Debate tonight was the same Mitt the cop had to deal with when he arrested him dockside lo those many years ago: frustrated, tense, argumentative and, in the end, defeated, but unbowed.

Comments are closed.