Bird is the Word

Caption Contest: What Is TBN Loon Paul Crouch Up To In Jerusalem?

Crouching Finger, Hidden Faggin' So here is what is purportedly an undoctored photo of televangelist Paul “No, My Wife Jan is a Different Person From Tammy Faye Bakker” Crouch of Trinity Broadcast Network, giving the finger for some reason to his camera crew while he is on camera in Jerusalem. Or at least, that is what reliable reporter Gustavo Arellano of the OC Weekly says we are looking at here. Why is this news? It isn’t really, but there is never a reason NOT to run a hilarious photo of a Man O’ God flipping the bird, is there?

It is also an excuse to remind people of the many times the Crouches have been sued, such as for using donors’ contributions to buy a $100,000 motor home for their dogs, or the time Crouch paid a gentleman friend $450,000 to just shut up about the gay sex already.

Your Correspondent also has his own fond memory of one of Rev. Crouch’s TV performances, when during a visit to Israel somewhere around, we dunno, 1990 or so, Crouch saw an IDF armored personnel carrier trundling down the road and practically creamed his pants at the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might — just might – represent the arrival of the Battle of Armageddon. This Paul Crouch is a pretty excitable fellow, is what we’re saying, so there is just no telling what might have prompted him to give the camera a single-digit salute.

We know nothing about pixels, so we cannot say whether this looks ‘shopped. But we will turn it over to the Wonkettariat: Write your funny comedy captions in the comments, STAT!

“Winner” gets an “OBAMAPHONE.”
[OC Weekly]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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107 comments

  1. LastGasp

    "$450,000 for a night casting out a rent boy's demons, but does this finger look like it's ever been in another man's ass?! By the way, the gay sex rumors are bullshit!"

    1. iTuna

      No, they're 'love offerings'. The person making a 'love offering' does not get to deduct it from their taxes, while Crouch gets to. But you get something blessed in holy water or some shit, so it's all good.

  2. Mittens Howell, III

    As I said to my masseur: "Biblically, receiving more than 'two knuckles in' counts as an abomination. So pray for me."

  3. YouBetcha

    I would not hit that. Not even with the kinky priest costume and 'stache, which usually do it for me.

  4. el_donaldo

    I've been in the Trinity Broadcasting Network building, and, man, it's basically marble, crystal, and gold-plating everywhere, and I mean everywhere in amazing quantities and detail. What's the point of a grift of that size if the level of your taste can't exceed that of Liberace or the Real Housewives of New Jersey?

      1. el_donaldo

        Given the amount of peach and pink marble, it may as well have been the Orange County Trump Towers.

        Maybe there's a level of taste that's just pure, plain grifter.

  5. Barbara_

    Maybe his Viagra melted in his hand before he could get his rotgut whiskey opened to wash it down with.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    "My producers told me they're sending me to the land of milk and honey and instead I end up in this crappy hill town crawling with foreigners — fuck those bastards."

    1. mrblifil

      One of the great improvisations in recent film. I love how Ed Harris, the provocateur has the tables turned on him by Baldwin and almost ruins the take by cracking up.

  7. bibliotequetress

    "ROBERTSON! Yeah, you, Pat! This is what Jesus has to say about your 48' Sea Ray. Mine is 52' and I piss in your font."

  8. DaveJ

    Crouch saw an IDF armored personnel carrier trundling down the road and practically creamed his pants at the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might — just might – represent the arrival of the Battle of Armageddon.

    Knowing Crouch, it was probably more over the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might stop and do some pushups or start playing volleyball.

  9. actor212

    Oh come on! Can't you see the Fender strapped across his shoulders? He was clearly using a plectern and trying to point, so he HAD to use his middle finger!

  10. freakishlywrong

    Watching the teevee: "President hold narrow lead in National Polls".
    Really? How, fuckers, how?

  11. widestanceromance

    Obviously photoshopped because the other hand's middle finger would have been held horizontally, making the sign of the cross.

    Or maybe he had written a short grocery list on his finger (such as vaseline + candy corn).

  12. Jukesgrrl

    OT: Blog for Arizona says that the Koch Brothers just dumped a ton of PAC cash on Jeff Flake, the Mormon senatorial candidate (Kyl & McCain's hand-picked successor to Kyl) who is getting a run for his money from Democrat Rich Carmona. Carmona's ads, highlighting how Republicans are screwing our returning vets, are playing really well here. http://arizona.typepad.com/

  13. mustangsavvy

    "Fuck you and the donkey you rode in on….is what I'd say to them non-believing heathen Jews. But apparently that's wrong….or something."

  14. fawkedifiknow

    "Now that you ask, and if you must know, this is the finger I use to have butt seks with myself."

  15. simlasa

    I used to watch their show for the lulz and never saw him in a priest's collar before… it makes him look Catholic and IIRC these guys DO NOT like Catholics.

  16. HempDogbane

    OMG, you guys ! Rep. Steve King is on live on WNAX ! Sure would be a shame if one of the worst prople in America gets pre-empted by one of the worst teams in baseball. Go Twins !

  17. TribecaMike

    In my expert opinion, he's either helpfully pointing out the location of the Dung Gate (Sha'ar HaAshpot) for his viewers, or suffering from the delusion that he hasn't contracted a bad case of Jerusalem Syndrome.

  18. Mittaplasia

    Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't have Jeebus smite everyone on this website-NOW!

  19. Dashboard Buddha

    "just shut up about the gay sex already"

    Oh, wait. He said, "Mr. Crouch". I thought he said, "mister, crouch".

  20. JadedPreppy

    "It is easier for this finger to go through the anus of an altar boy than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

  21. Negropolis

    "His eye is on the sparrow…"

    Can someone explain the collar? He's not Catholic, that's for damned sure.

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