Bird is the Word

Caption Contest: What Is TBN Loon Paul Crouch Up To In Jerusalem?

Crouching Finger, Hidden Faggin' So here is what is purportedly an undoctored photo of televangelist Paul “No, My Wife Jan is a Different Person From Tammy Faye Bakker” Crouch of Trinity Broadcast Network, giving the finger for some reason to his camera crew while he is on camera in Jerusalem. Or at least, that is what reliable reporter Gustavo Arellano of the OC Weekly says we are looking at here. Why is this news? It isn’t really, but there is never a reason NOT to run a hilarious photo of a Man O’ God flipping the bird, is there?

It is also an excuse to remind people of the many times the Crouches have been sued, such as for using donors’ contributions to buy a $100,000 motor home for their dogs, or the time Crouch paid a gentleman friend $450,000 to just shut up about the gay sex already.

Your Correspondent also has his own fond memory of one of Rev. Crouch’s TV performances, when during a visit to Israel somewhere around, we dunno, 1990 or so, Crouch saw an IDF armored personnel carrier trundling down the road and practically creamed his pants at the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might — just might – represent the arrival of the Battle of Armageddon. This Paul Crouch is a pretty excitable fellow, is what we’re saying, so there is just no telling what might have prompted him to give the camera a single-digit salute.

We know nothing about pixels, so we cannot say whether this looks ‘shopped. But we will turn it over to the Wonkettariat: Write your funny comedy captions in the comments, STAT!

“Winner” gets an “OBAMAPHONE.”
[OC Weekly]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  • OzoneTom

    I thought that it was Father Guido Sarducci at first.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I thought it was Stan Lee

      • Pragmatist2

        I thought it was Stan Sarducci.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Or Detective Munch.

    • coolhandnuke

      Finda the Pope in the Pizza.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    The bird of peace?

    • anniegetyerfun

      He's flipping the dove!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Wait until he extends his olive branch.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          ♪♫ It'll be a long time coming, be a long time gone ♫♪

  • Blueb4sinrise

    FUCK YOU!

    edit: Oh . Posted too quickly. I thought you were asking for exejesus.

  • Schmannnity

    Not him, unless he is now dying his hair and became a priest. Nice sentiment though.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Like you've never dressed up for sex…

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Shit.

    • herecomedajudge

      yep, thats the middle part of the holy trinity

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    "I believe most of all in the Third of the Triune God: the Holy Spirit"

  • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

    Guess where this finger's been and you'll get a lot more than an obamaphone.

  • x111e7thst

    One if by land, two if by Galilee?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    "Here's your statehood, Palestinians."

  • LastGasp

    "$450,000 for a night casting out a rent boy's demons, but does this finger look like it's ever been in another man's ass?! By the way, the gay sex rumors are bullshit!"

  • Callyson

    "Go ahead, pull it…I dare you!"

  • delaney_blom

    "So, I put this finger up his ass like so, and tickled his balls with my thumb"

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    I say shopped, but I never heard of this colorful charlatancharacter before so thanks for the intro.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    "Pull HIS Finger"

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The Bird Is The Word… of God.

    • noodlesalad

      Yahwent there.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        He has risen!

    • Mahousu

      What's its price?
      $225,000 twice.

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • noodlesalad

    I got yer Dome of the Rock right here.

  • Not_Mother

    "My way of saying thanks for all the tax-free donations!"

    • iTuna

      No, they're 'love offerings'. The person making a 'love offering' does not get to deduct it from their taxes, while Crouch gets to. But you get something blessed in holy water or some shit, so it's all good.

  • coolhandnuke

    Crouching Tugger Hidden Finger.

  • Pragmatist2

    He was saying: "There is only ONE God!"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    As I said to my masseur: "Biblically, receiving more than 'two knuckles in' counts as an abomination. So pray for me."

  • YouBetcha

    I would not hit that. Not even with the kinky priest costume and 'stache, which usually do it for me.

  • Indiepalin

    "Where's your falafel now?!"

  • derpderpderp1

    I smote Tammy with this very finger.

  • delaney_blom

    "You thought the falafel was bitter?"

  • SavageDrummer

    JEEBUS IS NUMBER ONE!

  • StealthMuslin

    "Of course Mormons are Christians."

  • el_donaldo

    I've been in the Trinity Broadcasting Network building, and, man, it's basically marble, crystal, and gold-plating everywhere, and I mean everywhere in amazing quantities and detail. What's the point of a grift of that size if the level of your taste can't exceed that of Liberace or the Real Housewives of New Jersey?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Are you sure you weren't in the lobby of one of Donald Chump's hotels?

      • el_donaldo

        Given the amount of peach and pink marble, it may as well have been the Orange County Trump Towers.

        Maybe there's a level of taste that's just pure, plain grifter.

  • anteater

    Yes, this is the finger I used upon that gorgeous sodomite sinners dazzling rectum.
    So what?

  • delaney_blom

    "In five . . . four . . . three . . .two . . . . and we're on"

  • BloviateMe

    "When stinky pinky just don't cut it, I go with the middle diddle."

  • Ruhe

    "I don't care how pretty that thing is…fuck the dome and the rock!"

  • SpiderCrab

    Is that his IQ or his number of known parents? (With apologies to my ten year old self.)

  • Barbara_

    Maybe his Viagra melted in his hand before he could get his rotgut whiskey opened to wash it down with.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "Number one, in my three stage plan to get myself offed……………"

  • SorosBot

    "Suffer the little children to come unto me".

  • delaney_blom

    "I said turn the lights down; these transition lenses are so damn sensitive."

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    You're not Kurt Vonnegut, preacherman. Get rid of the mustache already.

  • coolhandnuke

    'This is the digit I use to exorcise Pat Robertson's demons."

  • Estproph

    "Who's your father? I'M your father!"

  • cousinitt

    Blessed are the proctologists, for they shall inherit the sphincter of god.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Fuck it, we'll do it live!"

    • Ohforcripessake

      Bahahaha! I thought about that one too!

    • Negropolis

      Damn, I was going to do that one. I was just eight hours too late.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "My producers told me they're sending me to the land of milk and honey and instead I end up in this crappy hill town crawling with foreigners — fuck those bastards."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "And to all you Jews that don't believe in the One True Messiah…"

  • bibliotequetress

    "I'd rate that Kirk Cameron choir boy a three knuckler!"

  • delaney_blom

    "Who put the TBN booth right across from Al Jazeera?"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Wanna sniff?"

  • Esteev

    "Fuck you, that's my name!"

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      One of the great improvisations in recent film. I love how Ed Harris, the provocateur has the tables turned on him by Baldwin and almost ruins the take by cracking up.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    "Sit, …..aaaaand SWIVEL!"

  • freakishlywrong

    Fuck you too, asshole.

  • bibliotequetress

    "ROBERTSON! Yeah, you, Pat! This is what Jesus has to say about your 48' Sea Ray. Mine is 52' and I piss in your font."

  • DaveJ

    Crouch saw an IDF armored personnel carrier trundling down the road and practically creamed his pants at the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might — just might – represent the arrival of the Battle of Armageddon.

    Knowing Crouch, it was probably more over the possibility that a bunch of Israeli draftees driving around on a routine patrol might stop and do some pushups or start playing volleyball.

  • BloviateMe

    Derrick Wildcat's latest and most elusive bird pic.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Oh come on! Can't you see the Fender strapped across his shoulders? He was clearly using a plectern and trying to point, so he HAD to use his middle finger!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Plectern? I don't even KNOW ern!

  • freakishlywrong

    Watching the teevee: "President hold narrow lead in National Polls".
    Really? How, fuckers, how?

  • widestanceromance

    Obviously photoshopped because the other hand's middle finger would have been held horizontally, making the sign of the cross.

    Or maybe he had written a short grocery list on his finger (such as vaseline + candy corn).

  • Ryy

    I got your Pope right here!

  • mavenmaven

    "When I saw those tight soldier's butts I got hard like this"

  • fatbob54

    HIs jowls are having sex with his chins.

  • Ohforcripessake

    "Smite me"

  • Toomush_Infer

    One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see….

  • Genio1

    "And on the 8th the lord said 'Fuck it.'"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Does this smell wierd to you?"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "God says its not a sin if you only use one finger"

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    OT: Blog for Arizona says that the Koch Brothers just dumped a ton of PAC cash on Jeff Flake, the Mormon senatorial candidate (Kyl & McCain's hand-picked successor to Kyl) who is getting a run for his money from Democrat Rich Carmona. Carmona's ads, highlighting how Republicans are screwing our returning vets, are playing really well here. http://arizona.typepad.com/

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Ok, let me count Jesus' fathers, one,…WTF?!

  • JackObin

    "Fuck you Jesus for turning my wife's hair purple!"

  • mustangsavvy

    "Fuck you and the donkey you rode in on….is what I'd say to them non-believing heathen Jews. But apparently that's wrong….or something."

  • AlaskaGrrl

    What's an Evangelist doing wearing a dog collar? Secret Papist?

  • LibertyLover

    Why is Leonard Nimoy flipping us off?

  • proudgrampa

    "It's not my age, it's my IQ."

  • Robman2

    One Way!

  • Tundra Grifter

    A pinky ring? Did he see "The Godfather" too many times?

  • rickmaci

    Looks like a witness protection program disguise.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    "Fuck the father, fuck the son, fuck the holy ghost…"

  • fawkedifiknow

    "Now that you ask, and if you must know, this is the finger I use to have butt seks with myself."

  • simlasa

    I used to watch their show for the lulz and never saw him in a priest's collar before… it makes him look Catholic and IIRC these guys DO NOT like Catholics.

  • HempDogbane

    OMG, you guys ! Rep. Steve King is on live on WNAX ! Sure would be a shame if one of the worst prople in America gets pre-empted by one of the worst teams in baseball. Go Twins !

  • TribecaMike

    In my expert opinion, he's either helpfully pointing out the location of the Dung Gate (Sha'ar HaAshpot) for his viewers, or suffering from the delusion that he hasn't contracted a bad case of Jerusalem Syndrome.

  • chascates

    His neck.

  • Mittaplasia

    Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't have Jeebus smite everyone on this website-NOW!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "just shut up about the gay sex already"

    Oh, wait. He said, "Mr. Crouch". I thought he said, "mister, crouch".

  • JadedPreppy

    "It is easier for this finger to go through the anus of an altar boy than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

  • Antispandex

    "What's with the Roman collar, Paul? You aren't even a real minister."

  • Slim_Pickins

    "And allow me to convey my personal blessing."

  • Negropolis

    "His eye is on the sparrow…"

    Can someone explain the collar? He's not Catholic, that's for damned sure.

  • http://www.theearthdiver.com/?page_id=179 Cognitive Dissident

    WHO IS THIS MAN, and why isn't he already a household name, instant super celeb?