drunk as a voting skunk

Your Handy-Dandy Wonkette Debate Drinking Game

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Hi, drunkards!

Tonight, in case you didn’t know, is America’s First 2012 Presidential Debate, during which two men will stand on stage and be hectored and/or coddled by Jim Lehrer in a spectacle that matches no version of the word “debate” as the English language has come to commonly define it.

Well, we here at Wonkette along with Drunk Jim Lehrer (pictured above) would like to give you your official drinking game for tonight. First, some ground rules:

1) We don’t do “one drink, two drink, red drink, blue drink” shit. What counts as “one drink”? At Wonkette, we just straight drink until we don’t feel like it any more. Out of a funnel. We call it the Drunklopian Tube.

2) It is probably best if you use the drinking game as an accompaniment to your otherwise completely healthy heavy drinking, rather than a pure guide, because depending on how long they ramble about “policy” (not at all, who are we kidding?), you may have literal minutes between drinks.

That having been said, here we go!

CANDIDATE INTRO – Drink when:

Romney uses the words “prosperity,” “100 percent” or “failed.”

Obama uses the words “middle class,” “shared” or “tough.”

GENERAL STUFF – Drink when:

Sponsored Intermission

A candidate complains about their opponent going over on time.

A candidate says “716 billion.” Fuck it, when a candidate says “billion.”

The audience responds to anything audibly. Particularly if they’re told not to applaud or boo.

Someone refers to the “Ryan plan.”

Whenever Joe Biden comes up. (Please note: if Joe Biden comes up, you must immediately put on a band t-shirt.)

Whenever one dude accuses the other of being divisive.

When Romney botches a zinger.

Whenever Romney’s tax returns come up.

SHITSTORM – Finish whatever you have in your hand if:

Romney calls an issue a distraction, particularly if it involves ladies.

Obama mistakenly mocks Romney with something a different GOP candidate said during the primary.

Romney mentions that he knows the founder or owner of a national chain restaurant.

Obama references any hip-hop or R&B song. If you’re unclear about whether the song is one of those two genres, please consult Wonkette comments and/or Rap Genius.

Romney tries to outmacho Obama.

OBAMAGEDDON – Screw the drink and go straight to the bottle if:

Romney physically confiscates money from audience members so he can more responsibly use it to stimulate the economy.
Obama code-switches, crip walks, or dougies at any point.
Anyone references a movie released in the past year to explain anything.
Jim Lehrer gets into an uncontrollable giggle fit.

Someone from the audience shouts a racial slur at Obama. Bonus drinkies if you have to look up the word to figure out that it’s a racist slur because of its total obscurity.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    We were supposed to wait until the debate to start drinking? This would have been good information to know earlier.

    • glasspusher

      What's the use getting sober, when we're just gonna get drunk again?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Consider it a warm up

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm gonna be at happy hour starting at 445 pm central time, so I should be fully lubed before they even get to the intros.

      • Barbara_

        Top shelf margarita, Baldar?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Nah, that's usually for lunch break and on weekends. Think I'll be on my Bacardi and Diet this evening. Variety is the spice of snark.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Diet? You might need the energy of real sugar, my friend.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That's what the cocaine is for.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Snob!

            What's the matter, meth isn't good enough for you anymore? No wonder you stopped calling!

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I became fond of those teeth that I still had remaining.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Go for the Mount Gaye – it's a big night!…

          • BaldarTFlagass

            If I were drinking at home… but in these uncertain economic times, drinking super-premium call drinks at the bar is a little outside my budget.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Is there really any other way to Mount?

          • Biff

            Why–is this a yachting event , too?

      • SorosBot

        You too? I'll be at a bar playing Quizzo earlier this evening and should be well tipsy by the time the debate starts. Don't know if I'll be watching there or back home where I can comment with you; depends on if any of my teammates want to watch the debate too.

    • Eve8Apples

      I prepped my liver by having a margarita and scotch and water at lunch.

  • bureaucrap

    I'll have an Obamartini please — served straight up in a 3 gallon jug.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Mmmm. So chocolatey and smooth.

    • Boojum

      They only come in forties.

    • mrpuma2u

      I thought the Obama martini was one you hoped would be all smooth and tasty and would give you that sweet buzz, but was kinda lame and unsatisfying. At least I'm not bitter.
      As the editrix once quipped,
      "Fuck you Obama! (call me?)"

    • chicken_thief

      Last time I had one of those I started pal-ing around with terrorists and bought a round the world plane ticket so I could apologize to everyone for how fucked up "mericuh is.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'll be having a Bloody Barry: it's like a bloody mary but with more hot sauce and a few thick sticks of Obamaloney.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I am so hitting the Apothic Red tonight. For Jesus.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't even KNOW what I'm hitting yet. I got everything piled up around the 'puter.

    • the_cuntress

      Nothing snarky, that stuff is delicious. Although .75 L is unlikely to last all night…

    • ThundercatHo

      I love that stuff, too bad it recently doubled in price from $12 to $24 per bottle.

      • twaingirl

        Not at Trader Joe's. Still 11$ there. Unless you live in a TJ's-less environment. :(

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        It's $11.99 at my local liquor store. You're getting rooked.

  • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

    When Romney botches a zinger.

    I'm not going to be able to drive home.

    • SexySmurf

      Because you'll be dead from alcohol poisoning.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I brought along a designated embalmer.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I thought I was the designated COOK?

          • proudgrampa

            Zing!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (snicker) (hug)

          • proudgrampa

            (hugback) I didn't know you were a cook. Any specialties?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Strictly amateur, darlz. Asian food – Indian (mostly North and East, although I learned some interesting vegetarian cooking from my ex's mom, from the Central and Western states); Chinese (Hainanese, Szechwanese, Hokkien, Cantonese, mostly); Thai; Burmese; Vietnamese; Malay; Singaporean; Indonesian; Pilipino. I like to cook, and I've been in lengthy relationships with professional cooks, so I've had a lot of practice with all kinds of cuisine, although I probably learned the basics from Dad, who was in the unenviable position of being married to a truly AWFUL cook and having five hungry children to feed, as well.

          • proudgrampa

            Ooooh, it all sounds good! My sister-in-law is Pilipina and makes an incredible adobo.

            I love to experiment in the kitchen and try different stuff. You know the old saying: never trust a skinny cook!

            I also have fun bringing my grandchildren into the kitchen and teaching them. Nothing better than a meatball made personally by your own grandkids!

            Good chatting with you, friend. (hug)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Pretty much, yeah. I already updated my will.

      • chicken_thief

        YOU GOT A WILL?!!! *muttering under breath* Fucking elitist…..

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Wut, like I don't know you weezils well enough to know you'll be over here before my body's cold, ripping every last can of hobo beans out of my stack?

          • BerkeleyBear

            You have a stack of cans? Fucking 1 percenter.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Two is a stack, right?

          • bobbert

            In some cases, e.g., Editrix.

    • Isyaignert

      I counted three Obama zingers and I only heard the last half hour.

  • PuckStopsHere

    The Republican National Committee has bought everybody in America free HBO tonight, right?

    • ThundercatHo

      I didn't hear anything about that but some guy did call here and offer me a pearl necklace. Probably weren't even real pearls.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        NEVER accept a pearl necklace from a strange man. NEVER.

  • coolhandnuke

    We're gonna get a mile high from this debate.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I expect to wake up tomorrow going "Wut? Who? WHERE?" Bonus points for complete loss of clothing and accoutrements. Even MORE bonus points for recovering consciousness partway up some high thing, like a tree.

      • coolhandnuke

        Bonus, bonus points for spotting any wingnut who climbs up some high thing–hopefully a 13th story ledge–and soars to freedom.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          AHAHAHA … uh, yes, of course. For the, ahem. Yes. Right.

          I'll just go quietly now.

    • evoshandor

      High as a test rat…

  • noodlesalad

    When Mittens does his robot laugh, you can either drink or squirm in terror. Or both, as is my plan. There's no rule to that, just go with whatever feels natural – in direct opposition to the laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Christ, I need a drink already.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Believe me, if I were anywhere within arm's reach I'd hand you one already. I'm so keyed up I'm afraid I'm going to explode.

      • noodlesalad

        Looking into intravenous options for debate 2.

    • Biff

      Whoa, that's advanced–2nd line drinking? Ha! Drink! Ha! Drink! Ha! Drink!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        (hugs the Biff)

        • Biff

          Zing!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Lately, just looking at your av makes me feel all choked up, Biffster.

          • Biff

            It ain't easy being me.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And here I was thinking I'd set you up to call me a chicken, and stuff.

        • Isyaignert

          And hits the Bong.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Insert the alcohol in your eye as an attempt at bleaching it away? It won't work, but what the hell, it will distract you from the smirking terror.

  • Indiepalin

    I'm watching the post-debate analyis on Fox. I plan on chugging a can of Genny Cream whenever I hear the phrase "Romney hit it out of the park tonight"

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Did Genesee brew extra product for your game?

    • Schmannnity

      You should get on a liver waiting list before the debate.

    • PsycWench

      You know these are the people who claimed Sarah Palin "killed" Joe Biden in the 2008 VP debates, right? You're taking your life into your hands.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Have you already called the E.R. for reservations?…

    • An_Outhouse

      You poor thing. There are support groups that may be able to help

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Are you suicidal?

      Genny? Really?
      (Geneseein' is beleevin')

      • Indiepalin

        Sorry – out of Genny. Time for the Utica Club.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I don't need no steenkin' guide to drinking.

    The debate starts. I open the whiskey. I drink until I see six candidates.

    • mille derps

      When you start singing a doo-wop version of "16 Candidates", you know you've gone too far…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Or have visions of Molly Ringwald.

        • UnholyMoses

          I still love that girl. Have since high school, and never stopped.

          Probably explains why I married a ginger (or whatever the hell the color is on the box.*)

          (* Of hair dye.)

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Weird, I found it harder to watch the RNC debates stone cold sober.

    • Esteev

      Six candidates? That sounds like a nightmare.

      *hic*

  • glasspusher

    I'm 47 and will be watching it with my son, who is 14. Which one of us is more likely to pass out first? Just trying to plan…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oh come on! No one older than 35 can keep up with a kid. Their livers are practically virginal!

      And I know from where I speak, because I'm a Finn and no one outdrinks a Finn. Except a younger Finn. Or maybe a Wonketteer.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You'll not see nothin' like the Mighty Finn

        Come all, without
        Come all, within …

      • BaldarTFlagass

        My uncle was a Finn. I think his liver was the size of a football when he finally stopped drinking (at age 55—lived another 25 years). I don't think he would stop drinking till every drop in the house was gone. He told me that the sure sign you were an alky was if you didn't get hangovers.

        • SorosBot

          Actually one of the people I knew with the highest tolerances in college was a girl who was 4'11" and thin, couldn't have weighed more than 90 pounds and probably less than that. She could outdrink just about all of the guys in school. She was also Russian, which explains it.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Yeah, there's a slavic/eastern europe get'em sloppy young thing that is pretty damn scary to watch. Sort of like the Irish, only with nastier booze.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          *whew*

          OK, so my daily hangover is a sign to stay away from AA

      • SorosBot

        That's the thing; the kids don't have the tolerance we olds with our decades of drinking have.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          You make up for it with enthusiasm and active bladders.

    • Biff

      It's these tender father/son moments he'll always remember, make it special!

      ♪♫Tonight, tonight, let it be Lowenbrau…♫♪

      • glasspusher

        Yeah. We can make the same “yecchh…” face after a sip…My old man always drank crap, like Schlitz or Schafer. No wonder I didn't like beer until I had the good stuff years later.

        • Biff

          PBR on tap at home, here, long before it became ironically hip to drink shit beer. Falstaff or Burgie when I was sneaking around.Did I mention I am an Old?

  • HogeyeGrex

    Just as long as you kids aren't buttchugging box wine. You have to draw the line somewhere.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Buttchugging? That one is new to me.
      <hides funnel and tubing behind my back>

      • Nostrildamus

        Wonkette is America's foremost educational resource.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Invented by Blackwater, engineered by KBR.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I don't always buttchug alcohol, but when I do, I buttchug for effect; that's right, Everclear. Hey, my rectum doesn't have any taste buds (thank goodness).

    • chicken_thief

      Just to be clear, are we not buttchugging box wine because buttchugging is bad or because box wine is bad? ie, should one only buttchug the finest Spanish reds?

      • ChessieNefercat

        Wine comes in something other than a box? *blinks*

        Stick a straw in the top and it's mommy's special juice box.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        A good Welsh claret will be fine, unless you can get your hands on a 1970 Coq du Rod Laver from Australia's Chateau Chunder

        Now that's a wine for enema!

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Don't buttchug beer or champagne. The carbonation is a bitch.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          That's not a wine for drinking. That's a wine for lying down and avoiding.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            +1 extra for getting it

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Right above the buttcrack would be a good place.

    • UnholyMoses

      I'm officially an Oldz, as I had to Google "buttchugging."

      Now I wish I was too old to use Google.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        I'll just ask my daughters, (22 and 25), so they can roll their eyes and shake their heads.
        They will be conflicted between having to describe it, and not wanting me to know what it is.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm already drunk. So that means I gonna get HAMMERED durring these dabates.!!!!!!!

    • chicken_thief

      I just hope someone remembers it all and can tell me what happened tomorrow.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, think of it this way, Pigoletto — it won't take much effort. (Squeezes the Baconz)

    • Barrelhse

      You've got how many days of "Work" left??

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Yuck. Why is that creepy man looking at me like that?

    • Barrelhse

      oops- sorry.

    • Isyaignert

      I agree BSFD – Rmoney looked creepy when Obama was talking. His eyes and smirky smirkett of a smile while he pretended to write things down – and I only watched the thing for 30 minutes. I couldn't watch any more.

      Oh, and FUK Rmoney for telling nothing but LIES at his closing statement and all throughout. The chutzpah of this guy are breathtaking and groundbreaking. Obama had better rip him a new one at the next debates. This tool cannot be allowed to win the WH.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    If Mitt offers Barry a friendly $10,000 wager, DRINK!

    • Eve8Apples

      And run to the ATM and empty your bank account.

    • Toomush_Infer

      And if Barry takes it on with a government check?….FUNNEL TIME!!!…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    We call it the Drunklopian Tube.

    What a funny name for a straw…

  • Boojum

    What if Jim Lehrer and/or Romney shout a racial slur?

    • Ruhe

      Lehrer: Mr President I have a note here from Tucker Carlson reminding me to remind you that for the sake of clarity you should avoid slipping into dialect at any point in tonight's debate.

      Romney: I believe it's referred to as ebonics, Jim.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It'll be a dog whistle, so you need to keep a list handy:

      urban
      welfare/food stamps
      gangs
      street criminals
      thugs (when not referring to labor unions)
      single-parent households

  • anniegetyerfun

    Someone from the audience shouts a racial slur at Obama.

    Sigh. The chances of this happening are pretty good.

    • Esteev

      "He is black!"

    • Toomush_Infer

      "He's got White sideburns!!!!…

  • Tom

    Could be a lot of drinking – good thing we've got socialized medicine!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Please note: if Joe Biden comes up, you must immediately put on a band t-shirt

    Hm. Odd….Jesse, didn't I just see you hawking bulk T shirts sales for Pantera this morning on Twitter?

    • YasserArraFeck

      If Chris Christy comes up, you must immediately put on a Lap Band T-shirt

      • chicken_thief

        If the Round Mound of Governoring shows up, it will be to support Obama. Because Christie/Haley 2016.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Geez! Some of us have to work tomorrow, you know.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Don't lie to us.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I din't say it was me.

    • glasspusher

      I know! It's my boss' first day back from a trip too. Can't look too hung over.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Tell him you worked until midnight to make sure everything was in place for him to have an easy day.

        Try not to laugh.

        Or throw up.

    • SorosBot

      You're trying to make us unemployds jealous.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, 4:30 comes by pretty early in the morning…..for somebody….

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      If the Mitt 9000 does at all well tonight we'll have to start preparing for our employers being bought out and sold for parts.

    • Biff

      Ha! Ha! Ha!

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    Drink O'Douls for Romney
    Drink Red Stripe for Obama

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hooray beer!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Beer, beer, beer, beer
        We LOVE beer
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzIboq1qEa8

        • Toomush_Infer

          One thing we haven't talked about: under a Romney presidency, we're bringing back Prohibition – look it up, Mormons!….

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm pretty sure O'Douls has too high an alcohol content for Romney.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, I think it's around half a percent. I discovered this when I was deployed to the desert; if you drank a dozen or so "NA" beers (Beck's was my preference) in rapid succession, you could get a pretty good buzz going.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Dang, that's an awful lotta bladder work for a li'l buzz, dude.

  • mrpuma2u

    As George Jones wailed "relief is just a swallow away"

  • iTuna

    Not drinking tonight. I broke my hand a couple of days ago, so I'm gonna get super pilled-out on hydrocodone and watch Twin Peaks until the debate starts.

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      drink every time Andy and Lucy awkwardly flirt with each other

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Are you typing one handed????

      • iTuna

        Almost always.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh, well, it's good to practice and keep a hand in it.

    • LibertyLover

      What? Where is your beer hat siphon thingy?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hydrocodone and Don Julio usually adds up to a splendid buzz. Just sayin'.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, geez! Hope you're not suffering too much. Whatever happens keep your hand on a soft comfy pillow or something, so in case you get excited and start waving it about you don't reinjure it.

      • iTuna

        Nah, I'm not suffering. Got it in a cast already, and did I mention hydrocodone?

        • Biff

          That'll have to do, if you can't get any hydromorphone…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Good. Hydrocodone doesn't do squat for me, but if it works for you, I support!

          I'm gonna be drinkin' and vapin' all night long to get through the debate, so don't mind me if I sound more stoned than you do.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Try your other hand, it'll feel like someone else….

    • Barrelhse

      Hydrocodone pairs well with red hash.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        RLY? (takes notes)

  • Come here a minute

    Bartender, I'm buying "macacas" for everyone! (Shots of Rebel Yell whiskey.)

  • nounverb911

    Something tells me I should put AA on speed dial tonight.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Probably AAA too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's what Siri is for.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Fuck AA. Get your ER.

  • Antispandex

    If Romney accidentally says, "Poor? Screw the poor!", you must drain whatever beverage you are drinking, and order a round for the house.

    • LibertyLover

      Or calls the Prez a liar.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Or uses the n word.

      • BerkeleyBear

        That would single handedly jump start the economy – at least the tavern sales portion – if we allowed a broad view of the term "liar."

  • crittersbybritty

    If you drink every time Romney mentions "jerb creators" you will be unconscious by 9:15.

    • glasspusher

      It's a job killer.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        A blow job killer.

  • mavenmaven

    1 extra shot for any Libya comments.
    1 extra shot for any use of the word liar.
    Drink the whole bottle if Romney says "are you better off than you were 4 years ago" or says "there you go again".

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    at what point should i contracept on my wife's lower back?

    • LibertyLover

      I'd ask her.

      Also, If you are contracepting while watching the debate, I'd have to say that that might be worse than contracepting while watching a football game. Unless your wife and her lower back are also into that kind of thing.

      Consenting adults. Duh.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Wait.

        Ask?

        A woman?

        Kinky!

      • Nibbler of Niblonia

        i'm going to try to time it with Romney saying something about traditional family values. that would be really hot

      • ChessieNefercat

        Whoops I read that too fast and saw "your wife and her lover." Never mind.

      • Advn2rgirl

        We contracepted while watching the ACA pass. Healthcare for everyone: ZOMG!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          See, now, I could contracept to the ACA all night long.

    • Antispandex

      Sorry, but that is never acceptable. It's in the Bible. Somewhere. Sex is just for making babies. However, no complaint, no offense.

      • PubOption

        Onanism also appears in the bible.

      • Biff

        You really know how to make the babby Jeebus cry.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Interception!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        Touchdown Seattle!

        • Esteev
          • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

            Double up-fist if I could!

        • UnholyMoses

          May you die by being buried in cheese.

          All of it Limburger.

    • Biff

      You should try parking instead.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Bonus drinkies if you have to look up the word to figure out that it’s a racist slur because of its total obscurity.

    I got a hunnert bucks for anyone who can persuade an audience member to shout out "bluegum" at Obama…

    Also, "buffie", "teapot", or "quashie"

    • BerkeleyBear

      Octaroon.

      • tessiee

        Those coconut cookies?
        Yum!
        $: – 9

  • glasspusher

    What about self inflicted drinking rules, like "you yell so loud at something Romney says that your spittle hits the TV". Should have to do a shot for that.

    • Toomush_Infer

      ok

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    And if Romney takes the David Brooks approach and suddenly unleashes the "real Mitt," go straight to the heroin.

    • glasspusher

      …only if you're out of fentanyl. Holy guacamole.

    • Toomush_Infer

      ok. ok.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      How will we know if he does? Does anybody know what the "real Mitt" even looks like?

  • coolhandnuke

    I see a hair of the dog on Mitt's car in tomorrow's future, also too.

  • UnholyMoses

    Sorry, but I'll find damn near anything to do other than watch the debate.

    Play drums, read a book, go for a walk, maybe check out the 259 other channels on TV not carrying it, clean the bathrooms, do the dishes, do some laundry, do the wife …

    • RedneckMuslin

      Yeah, Fox and Friends will let us know what happened tomorrow am.

      • UnholyMoses

        As much as it would be to watch Mitt meltdown and then see how the Fox crew spins it, I'm just … well, I know for whom I am voting. So why bother and get all mad and yell at the TV every time Mitt lies (which is ALWAYS)?

        Just not worth the aggravation.

        Besides, my drum set hasn't gotten much use lately and is getting lonely and needs to be beat upon. <<insert joke here about The Mrs that's related to that comment>>

        • proudgrampa

          Man, I wish I could join you. My guitar gently weeps…

          My wife and kid are INSISTING that we watch this piece of tomfoolery tonight.

          It's not like there are going to be any new insights or change of opinion. Good god, we've been watching these two for the last 18 months or so…

          On the other hand, it will be fun to find some excuse to pour a whole bunch of martinis, tonite. Just sayin'.

        • http://tactilepeggy.wordpress.com/ Pap Finn

          Yay, drums! What kind of kit? Who are your favorite players? Inquiring minds, etc.

          • UnholyMoses

            Due to noise issues (my son is autistic and VERY sensitive to loud) and our budget, I have a simple Simmons electric set (SDK7). Wish I could have a Roland, but not until we win the lottery.

            As far as fave drummers go … just … that's hard.

            I mean, you got your rock/alt guys (Neal Pert is great technically, Portnoy blows my mind [even if I'm not a fan of Dream Theater], guys like Tim Alexander and Brad Wilk were perfect for their bands, and I just love me some Stewart Copeland and his love of the offbeat) … then you got your ground breakers (Charlie Rich and Max Roach and Gene Krupa and Art Blakey, all of whom I could watch all freaking day long) … then your "no one else would have fit in their roles" guys (Mitch Mitchell, Fred Below,and Keith Moon) … plus ones I just like, and whose style I never knew I really imitated until later in life (particularly John Bonham and Micky Hart).

            Hell, I could keep on going, but I'll just stop there.

            :-)

          • UnholyMoses

            Oh, and I did jam last night for first time in several months — and it was nothing but Stevie Ray Vaughan, in honor of his birthday (which woulda been yesterday).

            I was sweating by the end of it (and I'm a skinny guy).

            And it was fanfuckingtastic.

            Much, much better than that joke of a debate.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I think Mitt might take up drinking after the debate tonight.

    • bringmeanaxe

      If this is what he's like sober, let's hope he does.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I was hoping it would be BEFORE.

  • kyeshinka

    Can of Schlitz smashed against your forehead every time the camera pans to Ann.

    • chicken_thief

      Or when they remind us, once again, of her illnesses.

      • Esteev

        Her husband? Oops…

  • Nostrildamus

    When do we take wine cooler enemas?

    • RedneckMuslin

      the kids call that buttchugging.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      We need a reason? I planned on doing that throughout to keep the buzz alive.

    • Gleem McShineys

      Mitt? Is that you? After you lose to the colored.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Remember, though, you don't drink when Obama says "Let's take a moment to honor Allah, and Mohammed, his Prophet."

  • Schmannnity

    Shotgun a fifth if Rev. Wright and Moroni have sex on stage behind them.

  • LibertyLover

    There's a debate tonight?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    How do I watch the debate on the free Obama phone?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Press the button.

      • glasspusher

        Buttons aren't toys.

  • bringmeanaxe

    FYI, the good folks over at Mother Jones magazine have created a handy-dandy drinking game bingo card for tonight's debate. Play on!
    http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2012/10/yes-we-ha

  • SexySmurf

    I hope the candidates address the important question I know all Americans are asking: Is Law and Order: Sex Crimes still going to be on tonight?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "When Romney botches a zinger."

    I'd like to apologize to my liver in advance.

  • Callyson

    How pissed am I that I have to miss the live fun tonight? But I'll check in on an online version of the debate when I get home, and I can't wait to read all of the snarky comments from you good people. Have fun!

  • coolhandnuke

    If I played by these rules, by halftime every drop of hooch in the house would be gone and I'd have to go down to the root cellar and bring up that six pack of Billy Beer and that twelver of Zima.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Mrs. weejee and I will be getting properly depressed for the debates by attending the last game of the season for our plucky Ms. Hey, they won over 60 games, so this was a special season!

    • savethispatient

      You confused me for a moment there, because "Ms. Hey" was one of my teachers in Primary School.
      Also, go M's! I only made it to one game this year, but it was a lot of fun in the "King's Court".

    • SorosBot

      I guess I'm lucky the Phillies phinished their pathetic season earlier today and so without sports I might be able to convince the bar staff to turn on the debate.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Every time Kolob is mentioned you must eat a Chicken sandwich.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I don't drink but I have enough snacks here to put me in a diabetic coma. Is that an acceptable equivalency?

    There's also half of a stale birthday cake in the refrigerator. If Romney starts talking about "Ann and our boys" in some maudlin way, I'm going to stick my face in it.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Cake icing makes a great skin toner!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        The kind that's made with Crisco?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Back in my rugby days, the only alternatives for our tetotalling bretheren were ranch dressing, or alternatively, Tabasco sauce.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I believe we instituted a rule about severe beatings. But I'm pretty sure we didn't have any non-drunks on our team.

    • savethispatient

      I dunno… Alcohol provides the excuse for you to angrily shout at the teevee, then sob uncontrollably. But as a grrl you probably can find some other excuse to do that. Such as men. Or Republicans. Or the words coming out of Mittens' face.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Republicans and the words coming out of Mitt's piehole have had grown men across this country sobbing their hearts out for quite a while.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Drinking is optional but snark is a requirement.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I think I was a little low on the snark and a little heavy on the hysteria tonight.I'll try to do better for Uncle Joe.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      I am planning to chocolate myself into a stupor, personally.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      My punk rock brother played a gig at CBGB's on his birthday. Mom spent all day finding him a nice, big, sheet cake.
      He punctuated his performance by throwing handfuls of cake at the audience.
      Good times!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I might have been there.In those days my drinking consisted of more than water and coffee.

  • Nostrildamus

    I'll drink to Rmoney's oft-repeated "laser-like focus on jobs". His laser focus is reminds me of my cat's.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    For godsake… don't drink when either one of them blame the "other party" for the failures of this nation…. you'll most likely go to the ER with alcohol poisoning…

  • SexySmurf

    If Obama does some black guy stuff, pour some out for your homies.

    • Esteev

      Word!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I bought a case of vodka just yesterday. I am ready. Yes.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    MACACA!

    Wut? Was I too early?

    Dammit.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      If Bamz has to go do a beatdown on Macaca Allen to hang one on Mittenz, Barry is in deep caca. Doo doo too, also.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I trust The Dude to have a billion bats of votes to beat on Mittens with. I'm actually not expecting any fireworks tonight, I'm just so keyed up from waiting for this thing to be over. Prez Barry is a cautious fighter, he likes to draw everything out and let everyone else get their punches in first. I expect him to go for the kill on the third debate.

  • ShuCityRefugee

    My beloved husband thinks a second drink must be required if a candidate pronounces "divisive" with a short, rather than long, "i" sound on the second syllable (ie. "dih-vih-sihve," instead of "dih-vie-sihve").

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That looks like more rules than an old Avalon Hill war game. I think I'm going to ignore them and just drink.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      You maverick!

    • HistoriCat

      Needs more – lots more – little cardboard pieces.

  • coolhandnuke

    Drink the bong water when Mitt appears somewhat human.

    • Barrelhse

      Debate Watchers Tip- use peppermint schnapps for the bong water.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Or creme de cassis. Depending on what you're smoking, creme de cassis could be JUST the thing.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the rules will allow Romney to use one of those squeeze-bulb clown horns to honk every time he gets off a zinger.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It would be great if it could be glued to his nose.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I cannot watch the debates — much too stressful. I can only "watch" them through my Wonkette rosé colored glasses.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I happened upon the Cruz/Sadler (replacing Kay Bailey Hutchinson) debate last night. Only for about 15 second and I was screaming at the tube. I might have broken the channel selector button in my haste to see anything other than that.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        They had a debate? Did not know that, and probably just as well. Election time just depresses me here. Fuck, I don't think there's an Obama yard sign in all of Comal County, though I did see a bumper sticker for our Dem congressional candidate the other day…

  • Ruhe

    "every time Romney botches a zinger"…
    I don't think that's going to work as his zinger-botching usually gives me a vague uneasy feeling. I think it's that "uncanny valley" thing. And in that case, a good response from Obama might be "open the pod bay doors and show us your tax returns, Mitt."

  • Nesnora

    You had me at "Hey drunkards".

    I'll be here: http://waystationbk.blogspot.com/p/photos.html

    Here's hoping they have a steam-powered television…

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Lame. You should totally come out to the Pourhouse.

      Though I do have to admit that the Police Box/possible Tardis is a nice touch.

      • Nesnora

        The one on 3rd ave? I can multi-bar…

  • UnholyMoses

    What about bong hits? Can we substitute bong hits for drinks?

    • Nesnora

      Always and often.

      • UnholyMoses

        Duuuuuuuuuuude … hear that? ***bangs shoe on head*** That's my skull!

  • BloviateMe

    So, what do I do when Jim Lehrer is undressing me with his eyes…cuz he's doing it right now…and leering…er, lehrering.

  • SexySmurf

    If it seems like Mitt Romney articulated a coherent and consistent policy statement, stop drinking cause you're already too wasted.

  • AFKensington

    Best Wonkette drinking game, ever! /Approve

  • kyeshinka

    When Mitt opens with this line, "A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a Nantucket."

  • pdiddycornchips

    Patron tequila enema's for the first awkward Payton Manning segue.

  • chicken_thief

    There prolly are some people interested in this debate thing-a-muh-bob, but I missed DWTS the other night. How did Brisdull do?

  • keepwalkin

    Since I'm only 57 I'll leave the liquor alone.

    A bong hit anytime a candidate says "folks".

    In the after spin if they talk to undecided voters I'm going for the meth.

    • Nesnora

      shrooms if you think you saw the ghost of breitbart sitting in the audience.

  • Mittaplasia

    To the bar-hoppin' Wonketeers: Don't drink and drive. You might spill some, so pull over to the side of the road, finish it and then drive. Stick with the square Jack Daniels bottles 'cause they won't roll off the seat. Better yet, stay home and get annilihated so you will be around to keep me entertained for a long time.

    • kyeshinka

      Or, following the advice of George Carlin, do your drinking early in the day and get it out of the way. Do your driving later on while the visibility is still good.

  • TheGyrus

    Also, chug a beer when the Yankees lose.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Nice.

      Why do you hate America?

  • SorosBot

    Should we chug if Obama brings up George Romney and how disappointed he'd be in his son's embrace of hard-right nuttiness?

  • MaxNeanderthal

    I'm working on the schedule below…
    "American people" = 1 finger of Glenmorangie
    "People" = 1 finger of speyside from left hand, 1 finger of Islay from right
    "You people"= drain glass of Islay, throw speyside into fire
    "Blah people"= throw glasses into fire, chug entire bottle of Lagavullin…..

  • An_Outhouse

    When does this mess start? I think I'm going to get hammered now and go to bed early.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i am trying to figure out if i should stay in with the wonkettes or go out with the bamz campaign.

    either way, i will be drinking steadily as these fucking things make me v v nervous. i am glad you are all so confident.

  • UnholyMoses

    Why does Jim Lehrer look as though he just inhaled a balloon full of nitrous?

  • pdiddycornchips

    Two shotgun bong hits if Lehrer asks the boxers or briefs question

  • Toomush_Infer

    Wait! If FOX calls it a tie, does that mean that Michelle and Eggs have to do a grudge match, with oil and…..oh, I've just started drinking already….

  • elviouslyqueer

    I will be happily butt-chugging margaritas tonight. Or maybe I'll save that for the Ryan/Biden smackdown.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Frozen or rocks? Salt or no?

  • ThundercatHo

    Why does Jim Leher have black irises, did he get the alien xfiles oil or fuckin' what? I like him and all but that just creeps me out. Also, OT, did anyone see our beloved Bristle bustin' some moves on DWTS? I don't watch that shit but I read she wore shorty shorts and the audience saved her from being offed.

  • BartStarrland

    I guess I picked the right week to start sniffing glue.

  • rocktonsam

    I can't watch or listen to the debate. Every time I see or hear Mittens I lose all desire for the things i like the most. Drinking, weed, sex, driving while drinking and smoking weed during sex.

    I just can't watch that poor excuse for a person. Sad..Will watch the wonket blog thingy

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

      I will be streaming the C-Span – I think it's streaming on C-Span – watching the Wonkett blog thingy, and doing a Google Hangout. And drinking.

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

    Too many rules – will drink each time they say "the."

    See you in rehab!

  • proudgrampa

    Well. folks. I know that some of you are getting depressed. This shit has gone on WAY too long. (We really should have a constitutional amendment that restricts the primary / election cycle to about 6 weeks!).

    But it's almost over. Just hang in there a little longer.

    And keep that liquor cabinet stocked! And the wine cellar, too. Also.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      for freedom

  • mustangsavvy

    I want to watch this but I'm skeered of Romney's soulless stares. I'm afraid he might steal what little integrity I have left. But I'd give my last shred of dignity to tune in to Bamz eloquence. Oh the dilemma.

  • lochnessmonster

    I think they should have the Zingbot from Big Brother deliver the zings! More entertaining than stuffed shirt don't trust him Romney.

  • Misty Malarky

    What could universally be accepted as a 'buttchugging a whole box o' wine' moment?

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Obama calling Romney "whitey"

  • MistaEko

    Eko haus rulez: Drink while your randomly-assigned topic is mentioned.

    System ruined when: Some asshole put "Syria" in the hat to mess with us and the ref says it counts. This after I got "efficacy of the surge" during the first 2008 debate.

    Just going to shout "Syria!" at random intervals and chug Dogfish Head.

  • Limeylizzie

    I don't drink, can I replace drinking with masturbation?

    • bobbert

      Does this involve Skype?

  • Limeylizzie

    Jim Lehrer looks like a bushbaby. http://africafreak.com/blog/the-coolest-looking-c

  • cybermoe

    If I wear magic underpants am I cheating?

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    As a public service, could you guys post a picture of these "Obama" and "Romney" persons (like you did with "Jim Lehrer" ) – so we can tell them apart tonight. Also which is the good one and which is the bad one again?

    Thanks.

  • Carabella1

    Got it covered. It's 6:16 and I'm on wine #2.
    Stop it! It's practice! This is hard!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Having started quite some time ago, I"m incapable of reading all that, and instead will simply paraphrase Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby:

    "This is not a game! This is really happening!"

  • mr bojangles

    invite watson from jeopardy and game show this idiocy!

  • Newsriffs

    I'm mixing a pitcher of "Romney Zingers", right now.

  • DahBoner

    This game is kinda like playing roulette by placing a bet on all the numbers.

    You got every possible outcome covered and you're guaranteed to win.

    Just not as much as you lose….

  • Aridzona

    Does Total Wine or BevMo deliver? I don't want to run short.

  • Caelan Aegana

    But..but..but…you didn't answer the most pressing question!

    If someone passes out, do they get penised or ninja turtled? This is the sort of stuff you have to decide beforehand.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    For them that don't yet know it, you can watch a live stream at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1jXLzNto70

    For a thick, comedic overlay of teh stupidz, you can try http://live.foxnews.com/

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    All the drinks are on me tonight… I got a feeling I might be puking a bit.

  • Humberto_Echo

    I'm basically a bending in search of an embarkation point. Looks like I may have found it.

  • ttommyunger

    Yeah, that might have been Jim in the 80's….Have you seen him lately?