Tonight, in case you didn’t know, is America’s First 2012 Presidential Debate, during which two men will stand on stage and be hectored and/or coddled by Jim Lehrer in a spectacle that matches no version of the word “debate” as the English language has come to commonly define it.
Well, we here at Wonkette along with Drunk Jim Lehrer (pictured above) would like to give you your official drinking game for tonight. First, some ground rules:
1) We don’t do “one drink, two drink, red drink, blue drink” shit. What counts as “one drink”? At Wonkette, we just straight drink until we don’t feel like it any more. Out of a funnel. We call it the Drunklopian Tube.
2) It is probably best if you use the drinking game as an accompaniment to your otherwise completely healthy heavy drinking, rather than a pure guide, because depending on how long they ramble about “policy” (not at all, who are we kidding?), you may have literal minutes between drinks.
That having been said, here we go!
CANDIDATE INTRO – Drink when:
Romney uses the words “prosperity,” “100 percent” or “failed.”
Obama uses the words “middle class,” “shared” or “tough.”
GENERAL STUFF – Drink when:
A candidate complains about their opponent going over on time.
A candidate says “716 billion.” Fuck it, when a candidate says “billion.”
The audience responds to anything audibly. Particularly if they’re told not to applaud or boo.
Someone refers to the “Ryan plan.”
Whenever Joe Biden comes up. (Please note: if Joe Biden comes up, you must immediately put on a band t-shirt.)
Whenever one dude accuses the other of being divisive.
When Romney botches a zinger.
Whenever Romney’s tax returns come up.
SHITSTORM – Finish whatever you have in your hand if:
Romney calls an issue a distraction, particularly if it involves ladies.
Obama mistakenly mocks Romney with something a different GOP candidate said during the primary.
Romney mentions that he knows the founder or owner of a national chain restaurant.
Obama references any hip-hop or R&B song. If you’re unclear about whether the song is one of those two genres, please consult Wonkette comments and/or Rap Genius.
Romney tries to outmacho Obama.
OBAMAGEDDON – Screw the drink and go straight to the bottle if:
Someone from the audience shouts a racial slur at Obama. Bonus drinkies if you have to look up the word to figure out that it’s a racist slur because of its total obscurity.