Your Handy-Dandy Wonkette Debate Drinking Game

  drunk as a voting skunk

want a quick jim lehrer? by which i mean sex?

Hi, drunkards!

Tonight, in case you didn’t know, is America’s First 2012 Presidential Debate, during which two men will stand on stage and be hectored and/or coddled by Jim Lehrer in a spectacle that matches no version of the word “debate” as the English language has come to commonly define it.

Well, we here at Wonkette along with Drunk Jim Lehrer (pictured above) would like to give you your official drinking game for tonight. First, some ground rules:

1) We don’t do “one drink, two drink, red drink, blue drink” shit. What counts as “one drink”? At Wonkette, we just straight drink until we don’t feel like it any more. Out of a funnel. We call it the Drunklopian Tube.

 
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2) It is probably best if you use the drinking game as an accompaniment to your otherwise completely healthy heavy drinking, rather than a pure guide, because depending on how long they ramble about “policy” (not at all, who are we kidding?), you may have literal minutes between drinks.

That having been said, here we go!

CANDIDATE INTRO – Drink when:

Romney uses the words “prosperity,” “100 percent” or “failed.”

Obama uses the words “middle class,” “shared” or “tough.”

GENERAL STUFF – Drink when:

A candidate complains about their opponent going over on time.

A candidate says “716 billion.” Fuck it, when a candidate says “billion.”

The audience responds to anything audibly. Particularly if they’re told not to applaud or boo.

Someone refers to the “Ryan plan.”

Whenever Joe Biden comes up. (Please note: if Joe Biden comes up, you must immediately put on a band t-shirt.)

Whenever one dude accuses the other of being divisive.

When Romney botches a zinger.

Whenever Romney’s tax returns come up.

SHITSTORM – Finish whatever you have in your hand if:

Romney calls an issue a distraction, particularly if it involves ladies.

Obama mistakenly mocks Romney with something a different GOP candidate said during the primary.

Romney mentions that he knows the founder or owner of a national chain restaurant.

Obama references any hip-hop or R&B song. If you’re unclear about whether the song is one of those two genres, please consult Wonkette comments and/or Rap Genius.

Romney tries to outmacho Obama.

OBAMAGEDDON – Screw the drink and go straight to the bottle if:

Romney physically confiscates money from audience members so he can more responsibly use it to stimulate the economy.
Obama code-switches, crip walks, or dougies at any point.
Anyone references a movie released in the past year to explain anything.
Jim Lehrer gets into an uncontrollable giggle fit.

Someone from the audience shouts a racial slur at Obama. Bonus drinkies if you have to look up the word to figure out that it’s a racist slur because of its total obscurity.

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Hola wonkerados.

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314 comments

  1. Barbara_

    We were supposed to wait until the debate to start drinking? This would have been good information to know earlier.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm gonna be at happy hour starting at 445 pm central time, so I should be fully lubed before they even get to the intros.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Nah, that's usually for lunch break and on weekends. Think I'll be on my Bacardi and Diet this evening. Variety is the spice of snark.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            If I were drinking at home… but in these uncertain economic times, drinking super-premium call drinks at the bar is a little outside my budget.

      1. SorosBot

        You too? I'll be at a bar playing Quizzo earlier this evening and should be well tipsy by the time the debate starts. Don't know if I'll be watching there or back home where I can comment with you; depends on if any of my teammates want to watch the debate too.

    1. mrpuma2u

      I thought the Obama martini was one you hoped would be all smooth and tasty and would give you that sweet buzz, but was kinda lame and unsatisfying. At least I'm not bitter.
      As the editrix once quipped,
      "Fuck you Obama! (call me?)"

    2. chicken_thief

      Last time I had one of those I started pal-ing around with terrorists and bought a round the world plane ticket so I could apologize to everyone for how fucked up "mericuh is.

    3. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'll be having a Bloody Barry: it's like a bloody mary but with more hot sauce and a few thick sticks of Obamaloney.

          1. MittBorg

            Strictly amateur, darlz. Asian food – Indian (mostly North and East, although I learned some interesting vegetarian cooking from my ex's mom, from the Central and Western states); Chinese (Hainanese, Szechwanese, Hokkien, Cantonese, mostly); Thai; Burmese; Vietnamese; Malay; Singaporean; Indonesian; Pilipino. I like to cook, and I've been in lengthy relationships with professional cooks, so I've had a lot of practice with all kinds of cuisine, although I probably learned the basics from Dad, who was in the unenviable position of being married to a truly AWFUL cook and having five hungry children to feed, as well.

          2. proudgrampa

            Ooooh, it all sounds good! My sister-in-law is Pilipina and makes an incredible adobo.

            I love to experiment in the kitchen and try different stuff. You know the old saying: never trust a skinny cook!

            I also have fun bringing my grandchildren into the kitchen and teaching them. Nothing better than a meatball made personally by your own grandkids!

            Good chatting with you, friend. (hug)

        1. MittBorg

          Wut, like I don't know you weezils well enough to know you'll be over here before my body's cold, ripping every last can of hobo beans out of my stack?

  2. PuckStopsHere

    The Republican National Committee has bought everybody in America free HBO tonight, right?

    1. ThundercatHo

      I didn't hear anything about that but some guy did call here and offer me a pearl necklace. Probably weren't even real pearls.

    1. MittBorg

      I expect to wake up tomorrow going "Wut? Who? WHERE?" Bonus points for complete loss of clothing and accoutrements. Even MORE bonus points for recovering consciousness partway up some high thing, like a tree.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Bonus, bonus points for spotting any wingnut who climbs up some high thing–hopefully a 13th story ledge–and soars to freedom.

  3. noodlesalad

    When Mittens does his robot laugh, you can either drink or squirm in terror. Or both, as is my plan. There's no rule to that, just go with whatever feels natural – in direct opposition to the laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Christ, I need a drink already.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Insert the alcohol in your eye as an attempt at bleaching it away? It won't work, but what the hell, it will distract you from the smirking terror.

  4. Indiepalin

    I'm watching the post-debate analyis on Fox. I plan on chugging a can of Genny Cream whenever I hear the phrase "Romney hit it out of the park tonight"

    1. PsycWench

      You know these are the people who claimed Sarah Palin "killed" Joe Biden in the 2008 VP debates, right? You're taking your life into your hands.

    1. mille derps

      When you start singing a doo-wop version of "16 Candidates", you know you've gone too far…

        1. UnholyMoses

          I still love that girl. Have since high school, and never stopped.

          Probably explains why I married a ginger (or whatever the hell the color is on the box.*)

          (* Of hair dye.)

  5. glasspusher

    I'm 47 and will be watching it with my son, who is 14. Which one of us is more likely to pass out first? Just trying to plan…

    1. actor212

      Oh come on! No one older than 35 can keep up with a kid. Their livers are practically virginal!

      And I know from where I speak, because I'm a Finn and no one outdrinks a Finn. Except a younger Finn. Or maybe a Wonketteer.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        My uncle was a Finn. I think his liver was the size of a football when he finally stopped drinking (at age 55—lived another 25 years). I don't think he would stop drinking till every drop in the house was gone. He told me that the sure sign you were an alky was if you didn't get hangovers.

        1. SorosBot

          Actually one of the people I knew with the highest tolerances in college was a girl who was 4'11" and thin, couldn't have weighed more than 90 pounds and probably less than that. She could outdrink just about all of the guys in school. She was also Russian, which explains it.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Yeah, there's a slavic/eastern europe get'em sloppy young thing that is pretty damn scary to watch. Sort of like the Irish, only with nastier booze.

      2. SorosBot

        That's the thing; the kids don't have the tolerance we olds with our decades of drinking have.

    2. Biff

      It's these tender father/son moments he'll always remember, make it special!

      ♪♫Tonight, tonight, let it be Lowenbrau…♫♪

      1. glasspusher

        Yeah. We can make the same “yecchh…” face after a sip…My old man always drank crap, like Schlitz or Schafer. No wonder I didn't like beer until I had the good stuff years later.

        1. Biff

          PBR on tap at home, here, long before it became ironically hip to drink shit beer. Falstaff or Burgie when I was sneaking around.Did I mention I am an Old?

  6. HogeyeGrex

    Just as long as you kids aren't buttchugging box wine. You have to draw the line somewhere.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I don't always buttchug alcohol, but when I do, I buttchug for effect; that's right, Everclear. Hey, my rectum doesn't have any taste buds (thank goodness).

    2. chicken_thief

      Just to be clear, are we not buttchugging box wine because buttchugging is bad or because box wine is bad? ie, should one only buttchug the finest Spanish reds?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Wine comes in something other than a box? *blinks*

        Stick a straw in the top and it's mommy's special juice box.

      2. actor212

        A good Welsh claret will be fine, unless you can get your hands on a 1970 Coq du Rod Laver from Australia's Chateau Chunder

        Now that's a wine for enema!

    3. UnholyMoses

      I'm officially an Oldz, as I had to Google "buttchugging."

      Now I wish I was too old to use Google.

      1. DemmeFatale

        I'll just ask my daughters, (22 and 25), so they can roll their eyes and shake their heads.
        They will be conflicted between having to describe it, and not wanting me to know what it is.

    1. Isyaignert

      I agree BSFD – Rmoney looked creepy when Obama was talking. His eyes and smirky smirkett of a smile while he pretended to write things down – and I only watched the thing for 30 minutes. I couldn't watch any more.

      Oh, and FUK Rmoney for telling nothing but LIES at his closing statement and all throughout. The chutzpah of this guy are breathtaking and groundbreaking. Obama had better rip him a new one at the next debates. This tool cannot be allowed to win the WH.

    1. Ruhe

      Lehrer: Mr President I have a note here from Tucker Carlson reminding me to remind you that for the sake of clarity you should avoid slipping into dialect at any point in tonight's debate.

      Romney: I believe it's referred to as ebonics, Jim.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      It'll be a dog whistle, so you need to keep a list handy:

      urban
      welfare/food stamps
      gangs
      street criminals
      thugs (when not referring to labor unions)
      single-parent households

  7. anniegetyerfun

    Someone from the audience shouts a racial slur at Obama.

    Sigh. The chances of this happening are pretty good.

  8. actor212

    Please note: if Joe Biden comes up, you must immediately put on a band t-shirt

    Hm. Odd….Jesse, didn't I just see you hawking bulk T shirts sales for Pantera this morning on Twitter?

      1. chicken_thief

        If the Round Mound of Governoring shows up, it will be to support Obama. Because Christie/Haley 2016.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          One thing we haven't talked about: under a Romney presidency, we're bringing back Prohibition – look it up, Mormons!….

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, I think it's around half a percent. I discovered this when I was deployed to the desert; if you drank a dozen or so "NA" beers (Beck's was my preference) in rapid succession, you could get a pretty good buzz going.

  9. iTuna

    Not drinking tonight. I broke my hand a couple of days ago, so I'm gonna get super pilled-out on hydrocodone and watch Twin Peaks until the debate starts.

    1. MittBorg

      Oh, geez! Hope you're not suffering too much. Whatever happens keep your hand on a soft comfy pillow or something, so in case you get excited and start waving it about you don't reinjure it.

        1. MittBorg

          Good. Hydrocodone doesn't do squat for me, but if it works for you, I support!

          I'm gonna be drinkin' and vapin' all night long to get through the debate, so don't mind me if I sound more stoned than you do.

  10. Antispandex

    If Romney accidentally says, "Poor? Screw the poor!", you must drain whatever beverage you are drinking, and order a round for the house.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        That would single handedly jump start the economy – at least the tavern sales portion – if we allowed a broad view of the term "liar."

  11. crittersbybritty

    If you drink every time Romney mentions "jerb creators" you will be unconscious by 9:15.

  12. mavenmaven

    1 extra shot for any Libya comments.
    1 extra shot for any use of the word liar.
    Drink the whole bottle if Romney says "are you better off than you were 4 years ago" or says "there you go again".

    1. LibertyLover

      I'd ask her.

      Also, If you are contracepting while watching the debate, I'd have to say that that might be worse than contracepting while watching a football game. Unless your wife and her lower back are also into that kind of thing.

      Consenting adults. Duh.

      1. Nibbler of Niblonia

        i'm going to try to time it with Romney saying something about traditional family values. that would be really hot

    2. Antispandex

      Sorry, but that is never acceptable. It's in the Bible. Somewhere. Sex is just for making babies. However, no complaint, no offense.

  13. actor212

    Bonus drinkies if you have to look up the word to figure out that it’s a racist slur because of its total obscurity.

    I got a hunnert bucks for anyone who can persuade an audience member to shout out "bluegum" at Obama…

    Also, "buffie", "teapot", or "quashie"

  14. glasspusher

    What about self inflicted drinking rules, like "you yell so loud at something Romney says that your spittle hits the TV". Should have to do a shot for that.

  15. UnholyMoses

    Sorry, but I'll find damn near anything to do other than watch the debate.

    Play drums, read a book, go for a walk, maybe check out the 259 other channels on TV not carrying it, clean the bathrooms, do the dishes, do some laundry, do the wife …

      1. UnholyMoses

        As much as it would be to watch Mitt meltdown and then see how the Fox crew spins it, I'm just … well, I know for whom I am voting. So why bother and get all mad and yell at the TV every time Mitt lies (which is ALWAYS)?

        Just not worth the aggravation.

        Besides, my drum set hasn't gotten much use lately and is getting lonely and needs to be beat upon. <<insert joke here about The Mrs that's related to that comment>>

        1. proudgrampa

          Man, I wish I could join you. My guitar gently weeps…

          My wife and kid are INSISTING that we watch this piece of tomfoolery tonight.

          It's not like there are going to be any new insights or change of opinion. Good god, we've been watching these two for the last 18 months or so…

          On the other hand, it will be fun to find some excuse to pour a whole bunch of martinis, tonite. Just sayin'.

          1. UnholyMoses

            Due to noise issues (my son is autistic and VERY sensitive to loud) and our budget, I have a simple Simmons electric set (SDK7). Wish I could have a Roland, but not until we win the lottery.

            As far as fave drummers go … just … that's hard.

            I mean, you got your rock/alt guys (Neal Pert is great technically, Portnoy blows my mind [even if I'm not a fan of Dream Theater], guys like Tim Alexander and Brad Wilk were perfect for their bands, and I just love me some Stewart Copeland and his love of the offbeat) … then you got your ground breakers (Charlie Rich and Max Roach and Gene Krupa and Art Blakey, all of whom I could watch all freaking day long) … then your "no one else would have fit in their roles" guys (Mitch Mitchell, Fred Below,and Keith Moon) … plus ones I just like, and whose style I never knew I really imitated until later in life (particularly John Bonham and Micky Hart).

            Hell, I could keep on going, but I'll just stop there.

            :-)

          2. UnholyMoses

            Oh, and I did jam last night for first time in several months — and it was nothing but Stevie Ray Vaughan, in honor of his birthday (which woulda been yesterday).

            I was sweating by the end of it (and I'm a skinny guy).

            And it was fanfuckingtastic.

            Much, much better than that joke of a debate.

  16. SexySmurf

    I hope the candidates address the important question I know all Americans are asking: Is Law and Order: Sex Crimes still going to be on tonight?

  17. Callyson

    How pissed am I that I have to miss the live fun tonight? But I'll check in on an online version of the debate when I get home, and I can't wait to read all of the snarky comments from you good people. Have fun!

  18. coolhandnuke

    If I played by these rules, by halftime every drop of hooch in the house would be gone and I'd have to go down to the root cellar and bring up that six pack of Billy Beer and that twelver of Zima.

  19. weejee

    Mrs. weejee and I will be getting properly depressed for the debates by attending the last game of the season for our plucky Ms. Hey, they won over 60 games, so this was a special season!

    1. savethispatient

      You confused me for a moment there, because "Ms. Hey" was one of my teachers in Primary School.
      Also, go M's! I only made it to one game this year, but it was a lot of fun in the "King's Court".

    2. SorosBot

      I guess I'm lucky the Phillies phinished their pathetic season earlier today and so without sports I might be able to convince the bar staff to turn on the debate.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    I don't drink but I have enough snacks here to put me in a diabetic coma. Is that an acceptable equivalency?

    There's also half of a stale birthday cake in the refrigerator. If Romney starts talking about "Ann and our boys" in some maudlin way, I'm going to stick my face in it.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I believe we instituted a rule about severe beatings. But I'm pretty sure we didn't have any non-drunks on our team.

    1. savethispatient

      I dunno… Alcohol provides the excuse for you to angrily shout at the teevee, then sob uncontrollably. But as a grrl you probably can find some other excuse to do that. Such as men. Or Republicans. Or the words coming out of Mittens' face.

      1. MittBorg

        I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Republicans and the words coming out of Mitt's piehole have had grown men across this country sobbing their hearts out for quite a while.

    2. DemmeFatale

      My punk rock brother played a gig at CBGB's on his birthday. Mom spent all day finding him a nice, big, sheet cake.
      He punctuated his performance by throwing handfuls of cake at the audience.
      Good times!

  21. Nostrildamus

    I'll drink to Rmoney's oft-repeated "laser-like focus on jobs". His laser focus is reminds me of my cat's.

  22. Peckerwood_Pete

    For godsake… don't drink when either one of them blame the "other party" for the failures of this nation…. you'll most likely go to the ER with alcohol poisoning…

      1. MittBorg

        I trust The Dude to have a billion bats of votes to beat on Mittens with. I'm actually not expecting any fireworks tonight, I'm just so keyed up from waiting for this thing to be over. Prez Barry is a cautious fighter, he likes to draw everything out and let everyone else get their punches in first. I expect him to go for the kill on the third debate.

  23. ShuCityRefugee

    My beloved husband thinks a second drink must be required if a candidate pronounces "divisive" with a short, rather than long, "i" sound on the second syllable (ie. "dih-vih-sihve," instead of "dih-vie-sihve").

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    That looks like more rules than an old Avalon Hill war game. I think I'm going to ignore them and just drink.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the rules will allow Romney to use one of those squeeze-bulb clown horns to honk every time he gets off a zinger.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I happened upon the Cruz/Sadler (replacing Kay Bailey Hutchinson) debate last night. Only for about 15 second and I was screaming at the tube. I might have broken the channel selector button in my haste to see anything other than that.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        They had a debate? Did not know that, and probably just as well. Election time just depresses me here. Fuck, I don't think there's an Obama yard sign in all of Comal County, though I did see a bumper sticker for our Dem congressional candidate the other day…

  26. Ruhe

    "every time Romney botches a zinger"…
    I don't think that's going to work as his zinger-botching usually gives me a vague uneasy feeling. I think it's that "uncanny valley" thing. And in that case, a good response from Obama might be "open the pod bay doors and show us your tax returns, Mitt."

  27. BloviateMe

    So, what do I do when Jim Lehrer is undressing me with his eyes…cuz he's doing it right now…and leering…er, lehrering.

  28. SexySmurf

    If it seems like Mitt Romney articulated a coherent and consistent policy statement, stop drinking cause you're already too wasted.

  29. chicken_thief

    There prolly are some people interested in this debate thing-a-muh-bob, but I missed DWTS the other night. How did Brisdull do?

  30. keepwalkin

    Since I'm only 57 I'll leave the liquor alone.

    A bong hit anytime a candidate says "folks".

    In the after spin if they talk to undecided voters I'm going for the meth.

  31. Mittaplasia

    To the bar-hoppin' Wonketeers: Don't drink and drive. You might spill some, so pull over to the side of the road, finish it and then drive. Stick with the square Jack Daniels bottles 'cause they won't roll off the seat. Better yet, stay home and get annilihated so you will be around to keep me entertained for a long time.

    1. kyeshinka

      Or, following the advice of George Carlin, do your drinking early in the day and get it out of the way. Do your driving later on while the visibility is still good.

  32. SorosBot

    Should we chug if Obama brings up George Romney and how disappointed he'd be in his son's embrace of hard-right nuttiness?

  33. MaxNeanderthal

    I'm working on the schedule below…
    "American people" = 1 finger of Glenmorangie
    "People" = 1 finger of speyside from left hand, 1 finger of Islay from right
    "You people"= drain glass of Islay, throw speyside into fire
    "Blah people"= throw glasses into fire, chug entire bottle of Lagavullin…..

  34. fuflans

    i am trying to figure out if i should stay in with the wonkettes or go out with the bamz campaign.

    either way, i will be drinking steadily as these fucking things make me v v nervous. i am glad you are all so confident.

  35. Toomush_Infer

    Wait! If FOX calls it a tie, does that mean that Michelle and Eggs have to do a grudge match, with oil and…..oh, I've just started drinking already….

  36. elviouslyqueer

    I will be happily butt-chugging margaritas tonight. Or maybe I'll save that for the Ryan/Biden smackdown.

  37. ThundercatHo

    Why does Jim Leher have black irises, did he get the alien xfiles oil or fuckin' what? I like him and all but that just creeps me out. Also, OT, did anyone see our beloved Bristle bustin' some moves on DWTS? I don't watch that shit but I read she wore shorty shorts and the audience saved her from being offed.

  38. rocktonsam

    I can't watch or listen to the debate. Every time I see or hear Mittens I lose all desire for the things i like the most. Drinking, weed, sex, driving while drinking and smoking weed during sex.

    I just can't watch that poor excuse for a person. Sad..Will watch the wonket blog thingy

    1. Tsunami Ali

      I will be streaming the C-Span – I think it's streaming on C-Span – watching the Wonkett blog thingy, and doing a Google Hangout. And drinking.

  39. proudgrampa

    Well. folks. I know that some of you are getting depressed. This shit has gone on WAY too long. (We really should have a constitutional amendment that restricts the primary / election cycle to about 6 weeks!).

    But it's almost over. Just hang in there a little longer.

    And keep that liquor cabinet stocked! And the wine cellar, too. Also.

  40. mustangsavvy

    I want to watch this but I'm skeered of Romney's soulless stares. I'm afraid he might steal what little integrity I have left. But I'd give my last shred of dignity to tune in to Bamz eloquence. Oh the dilemma.

  41. lochnessmonster

    I think they should have the Zingbot from Big Brother deliver the zings! More entertaining than stuffed shirt don't trust him Romney.

  42. MistaEko

    Eko haus rulez: Drink while your randomly-assigned topic is mentioned.

    System ruined when: Some asshole put "Syria" in the hat to mess with us and the ref says it counts. This after I got "efficacy of the surge" during the first 2008 debate.

    Just going to shout "Syria!" at random intervals and chug Dogfish Head.

  43. johnnyzhivago

    As a public service, could you guys post a picture of these "Obama" and "Romney" persons (like you did with "Jim Lehrer" ) – so we can tell them apart tonight. Also which is the good one and which is the bad one again?

    Thanks.

  44. OneYieldRegular

    Having started quite some time ago, I"m incapable of reading all that, and instead will simply paraphrase Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby:

    "This is not a game! This is really happening!"

  45. DahBoner

    This game is kinda like playing roulette by placing a bet on all the numbers.

    You got every possible outcome covered and you're guaranteed to win.

    Just not as much as you lose….

  46. Caelan Aegana

    But..but..but…you didn't answer the most pressing question!

    If someone passes out, do they get penised or ninja turtled? This is the sort of stuff you have to decide beforehand.

  47. Humberto_Echo

    I'm basically a bending in search of an embarkation point. Looks like I may have found it.

Comments are closed.