give us all your muneez

Wonkette Has Always Depended On The Kindness Of Strangers

legitimate rapeYou are looking to reach over 650k unique human beings each month – Wonkette readers are born with an advanced degree and at least one third of them even have jobs! – and we are looking to keep from peddling our children on the street. Let us help you help us!

Wonkette accepts most advertising short of total porn, penis supplements, and the NRA. (How did we get through life being so redundant?) Our dedicated readers are sophisticated citizens of the world, from coast to coast, but are concentrated especially in the office of Vice President Old Handsome Joe. (For pricing, write to wonkette@blogads.com.) We offer many types of ad shapes and sizes, sort of like the vampire bar in From Dusk Till Dawn, which will go nameless here out of respect for you and your delicate (and monied) sensibilities.

Want us to whore ourselves out just a little more? We can do that. We offer both sponsored posts and a “Your Name Here” endowed chair on any beat you like – the environment for instance, or the war on ladies’ pieces. That will run you more, like kissing. (How much more? That’s still secret.)

If you don’t have $2500 for a full-blown takeover, we’ve got lots of other ad units in varying shapes and sizes to meet your polymorphous needs. We’ve executed astonishing campaigns for Livestrong, PBS Frontline and Fox Searchlight.

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Need help convincing your boss that Wonkette is the right “partner?” We’ve surveyed more than 34,000 readers on hundreds of brands, causes and issues. We can give you wild-eyed data that will prove or disprove any thesis you’ve got.

Here’s some of the fancypants stuff we’ve done for our beloved advertisers.

In conclusion, give us all your money and shit. Perhaps you don’t have a business you want to advertise, or don’t want it associated in any way with the filthy Wonkette name, but still want to support us, your favorite website in the history of Al Gore. You can do so! Buy a book through the Powell’s link in our righthand sidebar, or anything on earth through the Amazon box over there and we will get a decent cut of it. You can always just Paypal cold cash too, to rebecca@wonkette.com. It hardly hurts at all.

Rebecca Schoenkopf,
Editrix

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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214 comments

          1. BeefHardcake

            I would donate a lot more to NPR if they had dick jokes.

            No snark, really, I would. It'd be worth it to hear Ira Glass say something utterly filthy.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        My "goddamn tote bag to take to your goddamn hippie co-op and in which you will carry your goddamn hippie organic vegetables.

        endquote, also, too.

          1. commiegirl99

            We will have an online store up in the next … three weeks maybe. It will have T-shirts and totes in time for Xmas.

          2. MittBorg

            Yay! I need to augment my MONSTROSO collection of 7,500 teeshirts which I will be dead long before I wear them out already. Please send me teeshirts for which I will send you, foolishly, much munniez which you will only blow getting drunk with all yon two-legged *mobile* Wonketteerz.

            I'm NOT bitter!

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          A beer cooler would be nice. I don't have any shit to tote, and I'm straight/male anyway.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I work for the Air Force. I'll ask them if they want to advertise here. Maybe a little something extolling their abilities to ruin your wedding party anywhere in the world from Creech AFB, Nevada. I don't think there would be any point in running recruiting ads, given the demographic here.

  2. Baconzgood

    I would pass this on to our AD Dept. But they spend millions to sell ketchup in the world already. Plus they just canned me (no pun intended) too also.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Bright side, you should soon be on the receiving end of all the office supplies you will ever need.

          1. Jukesgrrl

            SHIT MAN!!! I am J-E-A-L-O-U-S. I have to admit I had to add a wing to my home to store the paper, staplers, Scotch tape, and writing implements I took, but … that is one swell crime.

      2. Baconzgood

        I wouldn't worry about it dude. They cut my Dept. and out s.'d it. I was lucky and got a new job and don't have to go through the carnage that will happen in the next 4-6 weeks. I feel bad for some of these other co workers. I got the gift for gab so sell really well. Some of these coworkers aren't so lucky. They stutter about NASCAR stats and hunting. Alot of the ones that can't BS in life will be stuck saying "would you like more fries with that". This includes some of the co workers that are in the same pay structure as me.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          We benefit enormously from your gift of the gab, so I'm glad some capitalist will continue to subsidize it. Speaking as one with three business shut-downs to my credit, I haz a sad for your co-workers.

      3. Jukesgrrl

        The last one of my three Bainings happened the VERY DAY Obama was elected. I know it sucks almost as much to be left with the clean up. As long as your salary is more than unemployment, which with cut-backs sometimes is barely the case. Good luck, friend.

  3. Blueb4sinrise

    I suspect the Bureau of Wonkette Statistics is using a different metric.

    …at least one third of them even have jobs!

  4. no_gravity

    over 650k unique human beings each month – Wonkette readers are born with an advanced degree and at least one third of them even have jobs!

    Now I feel as if I should at least be wearing clothes when I post here.

  5. ChillBill

    My company is sponsoring some 3rd rate has-been tennis player and my CEO bashes Barry on a daily basis. So yeah, we are right up there with the NRA and Chick-Fil-A.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    I only buy my penis supplements from the Wonkette-approved Amazon linky.

    YOU'RE WELCOME, REBECCA.

  7. ThankYouJeebus

    Does clicking on the ads already there help? I try to make a practice of that several times a week.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      I never clicked on an ad in the newspaper before, so fuck if I'm going to start that nonsense.

      Advertisers, lissen up: Don't look for clicks. Look for saturation. Get your word out, but make it effective. I am not clicking on links, because I only trust the websites I visit.

      1. widestanceromance

        Naturally, I read that as 'only lick on' because I was thinking about him while reading this.

      2. finallyhappy

        I saw him in person – last year or the year before at the gay pride parade in DC- on the company's float- I think it was him or some other hot gym guy

    2. kingofmeh

      for a while there, i was visiting electoral-vote.com by clicking through the link, even though i would've gone there daily anyway. i hope my extra clickthroughs helped in some minute way.

      ps electoral-vote.com, if you're reading this, i'm pretty sure i first saw the ads for your site here.

    1. chicken_thief

      I must be getting old – whenever I see the word "sideboob" my first thought is Boo-Boo and/or Paul Ryan.

  8. Allmighty_Manos

    If not for Wonkette advertising, I would not have realized the widely known historic fact that John Wilkes Booth didn't act alone was "shocking.". Donate today!

    1. Terry

      Booth used teleportation to go after Seward and Johnson, then make it to Ford's Theater to shoot Lincoln. He couldn't teleport out of Ford's theater because the teleporter's flux capacitor wouldn't properly recharge, which forced him to make his fateful leap down to the stage where he broke his leg. He ended up being chased through southern Maryland, hide out in Zekiah Swamp, and finally made it over to Virginia where Federal troops cornered him in a tobacco barn and shot and burned him. All because he didn't carry a back up flux capacitor. There are lessons to be learned from that, my friend.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Editrix, can you just link directly to the sex toys on amazon? They make them so hard to find.

  10. MOG2410

    "Full-blown", heh. Would love to advertise my extreme dislike of the current political atmosphere, but you're already doing that for me. And I work for a trade association run by the wrong side of the aisle (I get to be the token Dem) so no love there.

  11. chicken_thief

    "We can give you wild-eyed data that will prove or disprove any thesis you’ve got. "

    Complete with Ezra Klein worthy charts or gtfo!!!

  12. FakaktaSouth

    If we could start buying free birth control and alcohol through the wonks I would be able to pay for this shit all by myself.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Hey Fakakta is on to something here. Editrix, hire a little hillbilly gal to make Wonkette Whiskey. As in "She was just a little hillbilly gal, but he loved her still."

  13. PsycWench

    Wonkette accepts most advertising short of total porn, penis supplements, and the NRA
    May I humbly suggest that any ad that automatically starts up with sound be added to this list?

  14. Boojum

    Wait, did you say an ad will run more, like kissing, as in kissing costs more or is kissing is part of the cost of the ad? I'm asking for a friend.

  15. northernbassist

    So when I donated via PayPal, I selected 'services.' Y'all best commence yer servicin' immediamente.

    1. wondering where i am

      Wonkbot! Wonkbot! Wonkbot! He (she?) must have something to say about the debates. Maybe Wonkbot CAN debate. RMoney v. Wonkbot.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Call that blonde senate candidate in Nevada who pays her doctor with a chicken. She might go for your zucchini. I hear she has some time on her hands.

    2. Crank_Tango

      I was thinking I could trade a dong shot for one of editrix' jugs, but I suppose vegetables are just as good.

    1. Wadisay

      Huh, no naked Campbell Brown?

      And how would total porn be worse than that Peptol-Bismo colored "Choke" thing from a few years ago?

  16. actor212

    We offer both sponsored posts and a “Your Name Here” endowed chair on any beat you like

    I'm rather well-endowed already, in and out of my chair.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      But is your chair well-endowed? For the merest of a baubles (probably a whore diamond), it could be.

  17. thefrontpage

    Here's some suggested advertisers for Wonkette: Larry Flynt, Playboy, Rolling Stone, Budweiser, Jack Daniel's, Miller-Coors, Trojan, K-Y Jelly, Showtime, Jenna Jameson Productions, Scores, Camelot, Archibald's, Good Guys, Night Shift, The Gold Club, Greenpeace, PETA, The Takoma Park Civic Association, ACLU, NAACP, NARAL, AFL-CIO, UAW, and Mother Jones.

  18. coolhandnuke

    As a self-employed, legitimate, retro-active abortion doctor, I think I can convince the boss to advertise with your fine, wholesome organization.

  19. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "We’ve surveyed more than 34,000 readers on hundreds of brands, causes and issues. We can give you wild-eyed data that will prove or disprove any thesis you’ve got."

    Is that the survey that's on the side over there? —>
    Yeah, I let my cat answer most of those.

  20. Joshua Norton

    Jeez Rebecca. There's always "Payday Loans" if you're really hard up. They're just waiting to drop bags of money in your lap. No questions asked.

    At least that's what they advertise on my television machine 3,000 times a day.

  21. weejee

    Not sure any Wonketeers want to buy a cup of rust, so it's not likely that our marketing department would see Wonkette as a potential engineering sales gold mine. That said all our beloved staff are directed that if heading to Amazon to buy inflatables (rafts you sillies) to click through teh Wonkette.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    I'll check with Rick "Batboy" Scott and see if he's willing to part with some of his personal fortune to help out the site.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Someone or another here types the words Rick, Scott, or Batboy multiple times a day. He should be charged at least what the abortionplex people are paying.

  23. UnholyMoses

    Well, I ain't got no moneyz for an ad or sponsored post or stuff like that, but I do sometimes buy stuff on Amazon.

    I'll make sure to run through here first from now on … if I remember … which isn't guaranteed because I have some memory issues and … uh … what the fuck was I typing about?

  24. Esteev

    I've lurked Wonkette for a while, and just recently decided to neglect responsibilities to incessantly comment, so am I exempt from this message?

  25. hagajim

    I get too much of this crap from PBS (just kidding). I will figure something out to help the Wonkette. Need to buy dirty book from Amazon anyway.

  26. Serolf_Divad

    I'm not sure I've ever bought anything that I didn't see advertised on Wonkette first. And I'm a rich millionaire that likes to buy all sorts of expensive stuff like diamonds and mink coats and remote controlled helicopters and stuff with my yearly bonuses and stock options and such and so forth. So please, if you're an advertiser and are reading this, take out an ad on Wonkette. :-)

  27. BaldarTFlagass

    What about the skin secret lady that doctors in my town all hate? Or is she here already, just blocked by my USAF server's chastity belt?

  28. Woodshedding

    You reign supreme, but I hate to tell you, Livestrong has been infiltrated by big corporate interests, like Susan G Komen (now Race for the Cure, NOT prevention, since the majority now on the BOD got there via big donations footed by the big Pharma corp(s) whose biggest sellers are chemo, therefore they need women to keep getting cancer so they can get "cured" by drugs which, it turns out, kill more than they save, but hey, by that time whose fault is THAT? If you'd felt yourself up in the shower better, you woudn't have gotten cancer in the first place, bitch).

    1. Jukesgrrl

      The evil people are the ones we WANT to advertise here. Who better to give our Editrix moniez? I say go for KBR, drone manufacturers, and phones that give us ear cancer.

  29. Mittaplasia

    …Ah ain't been on this dadburned websight for one stinkin' week and some money-grubbin' soshalists are already trying to get mah hard-earned money to buy crack and gawd knows what else? Us poors just can't catch a break. Robme/2012.

      1. Mittaplasia

        Thank you; I am looking forward to the cure on November 6th. Now time do do Paypal thingy.

  30. AbandonHope_

    I've disabled my ad blocker on Wonkette. This is a big fuckin' deal for me, but if any website on the face of the planet deserves ad revenue, it's this one. I only ask that you keep 'em SFW, so I can continue to browse during breaks / waiting for compiles / attempts not to go completely batshit insane from the total lack of camaraderie, organization, focus or morale around here.

      1. AbandonHope_

        Piece of cake. If you're using it on Chrome, like I do, all you have to do is click the little red "ABP" icon on the right-hand side of the address bar, and then uncheck the "Enabled for this site" box that appears. It will either turn grey, or turn into a green circle. Then reload — and voila.

  31. Woodshedding

    Oh hey though, for those of us who have nothing to advertise, it does help you guys if we simply click on ads, right? Let's all remember to do that. Only takes a second to click-and-return. I always forget, sorry!

  32. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I've always thought wonkette needed more wierd looking people trying to refinance their mortgages.

  33. coolhandnuke

    Just institute one of those office cuss funds for the Wonkette and within a week you'll be rich and the rest of us will be poor.

  34. RuinedLiver

    Hurry up and contribute or she'll steal the money out of your brother's wedding envelopes.

  35. Antispandex

    "…and at least one third of them even have jobs! "

    Jobs? What is this strange thing you write of? Jobs? We know not jobs!

  36. finallyhappy

    My next Amazon purchase will be through you- but don't tell that I am buying anxiety books

  37. BeefHardcake

    I'm way too far down in the pecking order at my giant, bloodless, soulless company to influence advertising decisions. Boo.

    BAKE SALE, THOUGH!

  38. glamourdammerung

    Wonkette accepts most advertising short of total porn, penis supplements, and the NRA.

    Define "total porn".

  39. decentcitizen

    I give an offering at church seeking forgiveness. I guess I could throw some coin Wonks way for the things for which I seek forgiveness.

  40. Guppy

    You want clickies? Suggest to your sponsors that they try to include a Flash-based driving game.

  41. iamrrm

    Do you get any money when people complete the "What Do You Think?" surveys on the right? I have been known to get stuck in a question answering loop over there for what seems like hours. Somebody aught to benefit from my survey blackouts.

Comments are closed.