he should know

Fuddy-Duddy Bush Lawyer Rains On Romney Middle East Torture Parties

What does the Geneva Convention say about Sarlacc pits?There’s this guy running for president, see, and he keeps yelling about “America” and “freedom” and how noble our pursuits are, and how barbaric and backwards and cruel our enemies are, and how “the values of this great land are those values that make us the greatest nation on earth,” which sounds great, until you get reminded that the guy, Mitt Romney, duh, also wants to scoop up strangers in other countries and torture them because they look kinda shady, as decided by pretty much anybody who feels like it.

Freedom isn’t free, you know, and a lot of the time it seems to look like the opposite of freedom actually, but don’t worry, it’s freedom.

From the New York Times:

“We’ll use enhanced interrogation techniques which go beyond those that are in the military handbook right now,” he said at a news conference in Charleston, S.C., in December.

The campaign policy paper does not specify which techniques Mr. Romney should approve, saying more study was needed because Mr. Obama had “permanently damaged” the value of some by releasing memorandums detailing Bush-era techniques in April 2009.

Oh, good. Old Thumbscrews is only in favor of secret kinds of torture.

Speaking of secret torture, it’s been an awful long time since we’ve heard from a Bush administration legal advisor:

“I think the likelihood of a return to waterboarding and other extreme interrogation techniques is — despite polls and Romney campaign statements – nill,” wrote Jack Goldsmith, on Wednesday. “There are many reasons for this … but the main one is that such techniques are now indisputably illegal.”

Say it ain’t so! You mean … you mean to say that beating people and holding them down to pour water into their mouth and nose is… not so good? But what about the freeeedom? Next thing you know Thumbscrews is going to start talking crazy about dungeons or something:

I don’t want the people that are carrying out attacks on this country to be brought into our jail system and be given legal representation in this country. I want to make sure that what happened to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed happens to other people who are terrorists… He went to Guantanamo, and he met GIs and CIA interrogators, and that’s just exactly how it ought to be.

AH! Who was that monster speaking there, the one talking about how courts and justice are too good for terror suspects? Yeah, that was Thumbscrews again, back in 2007. It was in the debate with John McCain in which Thumbscrews also repeatedly refused to answer a direct question about whether waterboarding was torture, because he wanted to ask McCain about it before he decided, and McCain was all like “Bro, it’s torture,” and Thumbscrews was all, “Naaah.”

And now the former head of the Office of Legal Counsel has reminded us how Mr. Romney proposes to be super tough for our national defense: All schmucks accused of terror could (and should, dammit) be subject to indefinite imprisonment, without legal representation, so they can be tortured, using techniques no one will talk about, because we are the good guys. [ThinkProgress]

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  1. chascates

    Holdouts will be forced to listen to a reading from the Book of Mormon while wearing magic underwear.

      1. chicken_thief

        Labor rates are also too low in the Arab region. Maybe we could outsource the torture of Iranians to Iran, Yemenians to Yemen, etc. and possibly also too avoid some legal issues.

        Wha? Wha?! We dint do no torture…. they did it!

    1. eggsacklywright

      Like looking forward, not back. I guess that means we can do pretty much anything we want without fear of reprisal, since it happened in the past.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "We’ll use enhanced interrogation techniques which go beyond those that are in the military handbook right now,”
    They'll probably sit and talk to the prisoners about Mormonism all day long.

  3. DustBowlBlues

    Wow. I finally got into wonkette and now have nothing left to say except I hope it works tonight. Does anyone use Safari to download? Is that my problem–a secret war from Apple on "my" the wonket?

    1. SorosBot

      First, they decide to fuck over everyone who's not driving with their maps; now they attack our Wonkette. Apple is looking mighty shady these days.

  4. OzoneTom

    Okay, that looks like an SEM photograph of something, but I'm unsure what.

    edit: Oh I get it. Someone needs to start using an astringent.

  5. Mittaplasia

    Jebus Christ on a bike; hasn't his campaign been enough torture? Iron Maiden is now his favorite band just because he likes the name.

  6. DustBowlBlues

    Okay–I need a call on this one. The NYT says memorandums. I always thought that, since the word is from the latin, that it was memoranda. Wake up, all you loafing 47% living in your parents' basement, where you framed and hung your BA in English. (History will do).

    1. SmutBoffin

      Yeah, the latin-y plurals are agenda, memoranda, fora, data etc.

      No one really does this in English though. 'Fora' sounds strange, no? And if you refer to 'these agenda' people will look at you funny.

      1. sullivanst

        Agenda has become fully Anglicized as a singular, referring to the sum of all agenda; I never heard anyone ever talk about an agendum, and sure enough, my browser's spellchecker just highlighted that as an error.

        But it would be a travesty to the English language to forget that it has many different etymological influences, and to attempt to regularize English grammar. What's next: deers, salmons, potatos, photoes, childs, mans, mouses, axises?

        BTW, for people who know what a corrigendum is, it's invariably corrigenda. Also too, media.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Agreed with SmutBoffin. For a long time, English speakers used Latin grammar to accommodate the plural of Latin words, but it gets old. When most languages adopt a foreign word, they don't adopt the grammar surrounding that word as well. They just take the word and make it their own.

      That's what's finally happening with Latin-root words in English.

      (also, some of the most retarded rules in "English", like not ending a sentence with a preposition, or not splitting an infinitive, are based on Latin rules and totally irrelevant to English and should never have been taught)

      1. sullivanst

        (also, some of the most [unrepeatable] rules in "English", like not ending a sentence with a preposition, or not splitting an infinitive, are based on Latin rules and totally irrelevant to English and should never have been taught)

        I strongly disagree with both claims. A Latin infinitive is a single word, there's no need for a rule in Latin about splitting infinitives as it is simply impossible. As to prepositions, declension rules in Latin make it possible to move prepositions around a sentence in ways that are simply impossible in English, a fact of which Latin poets took full advantage. The need to place the complement adjacent to the preposition arises from the grammar of the Germanic family of languages, and Wikipedia claims the proscription against preposition stranding originated with John Dryden in 1672.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          That's exactly the problem – since it can't occur in Latin, there were English prescriptivists who believed that it SHOULDN'T happen in English, either.http://www.let.leidenuniv.nl/hsl_shl/preposition%20stranding.htm“John Dryden appears to have been the first writer to attack the use of end‑placed prepositions, probably as a result of applying the rules of Latin syntax to English and of applying the above-mentioned logic of the etymology of the word.”

          1. sullivanst

            probably as a result of applying the rules of Latin syntax to English

            CITATION NEEDED!!!

            (actually, citation impossible, because Dryden never explained his complaint. Your author makes this assertion based on writings from the 18th and 19th century, in other words, long after the 1611 objection)

          2. anniegetyerfun

            There is some citation on the website; but I think the footnote just links to another study that I can't get my hands on? But I recall this discussion from my comparative linguistics courses in college, and believe that the vast majority of stupid English grammar rules were attributed to Latin fetishists. Anyway, dangling prepositions are allowed in many Germanic languages (as well as some Latin languages, making it even dumber to try to ban it).

      2. DustBowlBlues

        Now I'm doing from email. Is anyone logged into to ID but shut out by wonkette? Crap. Have I been banhammered, when I haven't even been in the neighborhood for a few days. :-(

    3. actor212

      Technically, it's memoranda, but memorandums has been used so often that it's becoming acceptable.

      Much like "problematic" used to just an academic exercise, but now means a problem

        1. sullivanst

          At least normalcy is shorter than normality, reversing the usual trend which occurs when the ill-educated attempt accurateness.

    1. Mittaplasia

      He knew torture, yet he unleashed that she-beast on us? That makes his deed all the more egregious.

  7. Mittaplasia

    If someone is tortured in a forest causing them to fall down, if no one heard it, did it really happen?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "scoop up strangers in other countries and torture them because they look kinda shady"

    "that guy looks like he has a bad attitude. Better black-bag him and bring him on down to the basement."

  9. SmutBoffin

    Mitt Romney will apply the electrodes himself, with much enthusiasm. Why else do you think he got into politics?

      1. SmutBoffin

        "Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day; set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life."

  10. Schmannnity

    Instead of 12 hours of Let The Bodies Hit The Floor, it will be 10 minutes of Mitt's America, The Beautiful.

  11. Abernathy

    "The campaign policy paper does not specify which techniques Mr. Romney should approve…"

    But I'm betting it involves a cage, the top of a car, and a hose. Why mess with a classic?

  12. sharethegrief

    My personal view of what torture would be is a constant stream of Romney's canned laughter.

    1. chicken_thief

      If only he had more time, Gilligan, the numbers man, would esplain why Mitt is programmed that way.

  13. PsycWench

    wrote Jack Goldsmith, on Wednesday. “… such techniques are now indisputably illegal.”
    First Brian, now Bush's legal advisor…won't anyone stand up for propaganda freedom anymore?

    1. sullivanst

      Wasn't Goldsmith the one who prompted the infamous hospital visit to Ashcroft by refusing to sign off on warrantless wiretapping? Anyway, he's also the one who effectively ended waterboarding by rescinding the Bybee memos.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    Detainees will be trapped between floors in a car elevator and caviar-boareded while Kenny G music is fed into their brain until they reveal secret tax loopholes Mitt can exploit.

  15. YouBetcha

    "The campaign policy paper does not specify which techniques Mr. Romney should approve…" Good thing, too, because the Romney campaign doesn't have time to give anyone the details anyway.

  16. DustBowlBlues

    In an earlier debate, when they Republics were asked about closing gitmo he answered, in a weirdly gleeful voice, that he thought they should "double" the size of it.

    Sweet mother of god, save the world from this idiot being elected.

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    The Mormon idea of torture is to wait until your dinner is hot on the table and ring your doorbell to ask personal questions and hand out literature written for the typical 3rd grade reading level.

  18. randcoolcatdaddy

    Mitt Romney, and the Republican Party in general, seem to confuse masochism and torture.

  19. prommie

    Crucifixion is just a stress position. Thats all it is. The nails are just lagniappe, the same thing would happen if you tie someone's hands and feet to a cross. Stress position, thats all it was. Jesus was stress-positioned for our sins.

    These motherfucking conservative shitbags fucking all of them are "christians" and they fucking advocate this fucking shit the fucking goddamn evil ratbastard hypocrites. I am sure Jesus is spinning in his grave over how these people who pretend to follow him act. Motherfuckers.

      1. prommie

        Fucking Amurrican christians think the golden rule is "be nice to the people you like, unless there's some money in it for ya to be mean."

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      This. I got into a very emotional discussion about this with a friend where I told him that I could not EVER be a member of a party who authorized our military to use torture. Until these bloodthirsty sadists completely throw themselves to the ground and tearfully apologize for destroying our reputation in the world's eyes, they can all fucking DIAF, and not with votes.

    2. Biff

      Talk about stress! I dislocated my shoulder dropping into an Iron Cross on the rings back in high school! Shit'll fuck you up!

    3. schvitzatura

      Paul Ryan falling out of a tree stand, while deer hunting in the wilds of Wisconsin with a harness and unable to release properly…suspension trauma, without involvement of a 1st Century C.E. Roman procurator/prefect…beatified as St. Paul, Patron Saint of Teatards.

      Crucify him (with votes)!

    4. Negropolis

      Jesus was stress-positioned for our sins.

      Sweet Jebus, you could make a whole book of satire with this title.

  20. widestanceromance

    But, ass rape with a frozen poopsicle* to get the answers we want from a hapless Afghan teen is what makes us exceptional, damn it!

    *used without permission from the archives of Waggaman (mentally saved for just such a special purpose as this)

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Confectionary mastication sequence begins.
      Synchronize facial grimace, Issue short audible diaphragm spasms.
      FUNNY_WITH_ZINGERS routine completed.

  21. Callyson

    only in favor of secret kinds of torture.

    Why should Mittens' torture policy be any different from his tax policy?

  22. Mittens Howell, III


    O beautiful for spacious skies,

    No Mitt!

    For amber waves of grain,

    PLEASE DON'T SING!! … pretty sure this violates the Geneva convention!

    For purple mountain majesties

    I'll tell you whatever you want to hear:

    I will accept responsibility for my Liife!

    I give all my possessions to the job creators!

    Above the fruited plain!

    You have my permission to baptize me after I die!! Oh. Lord. Stop. Pleeeze.

    America! America!

  23. Radiotherapy

    I can't believe that Obama "permanently damaged" the value of our torture program. How un-American.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It's just like a secret Muslim atheist Black Panther to do something like that. INPEACH!

      1. anniegetyerfun

        They might have, but I've been getting “Your session has expired” messages for months now.

        1. SorosBot

          Which browser? Lately Wonkette doesn't seem to work well with IE, at least when I've had to use my parents' computer with just it.

          1. anniegetyerfun

            Firefox. And I use an ad-blocker because the pop-up ads were getting insane. I don't know if that's it or not.

          2. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Firefox, on a Mac, with AdBlock plus active, and no such problems here. Try it with all add-ons disabled (look under the Help menu.)

    1. MacRaith

      Check to make sure your computer's clock is set to the correct date and time. And time zone, just to be sure. If that's not the problem, you can use enhanced interrogation techniques on it. That'll fix it for sure.

  24. sullivanst

    Nobody expects the Romney campaign! Our chief weapon is surprise [and you will be surprised whenever it is you find out what the candidates actual policies are, if ever]. Surprise and fear [of the other]. Fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency [that's what we call it when we shut down your factory and outsource production to China]… Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Prophet [and also personal profit]…. Our four…no… Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I'll come in again.

  25. Douché

    Now Obama is going to have to raise taxes on the tortured to help cover the expenses of torturing. Fucking socialist.

  26. chicken_thief

    Mittens jes cold gives up on 47% of Americans that are glued to the government tit and won't vote for him, but he'll torture the fuck out of 100% of the Moozlins. Because Jesus. And the Constitution.

  27. Abernathy

    “There are many reasons for this … but the main one is that such techniques are now indisputably illegal.”

    You had me at "horrifying example of inhumanity of humans." Oh wait, you never said that. Good to see the neocons still haven't developed a conscience or ethics or anything like that, despite their newfound respect for the law.

  28. HelmutNewton

    Mittens is just a half-assed retread of Dubya, so of course he would try to bring back torture.

  29. docterry6973

    Actually, it was indisputably illegal when President Cheney ordered it the first time. Crossing your fingers behind your back doesn't make it legal. So, really, would President MIttens even care if it is legal?

  30. Aridzona

    Waterboarding doesn't work. The lamestream media has been doing it to Romney for months, and still hasn't got the truth out of him.

  31. rickmaci

    Another example of Romoney as Bush redux. The neoKKKon hacks and criminals from the Bush era want another chance to try their old tricks in the moronic hope they can get a different result. Romoney is only too willing to give it to them just for the sake of their support, nothing more. Romoney is just as morally bankrupt as he seems.

  32. chicken_thief

    Whatever form of not torture torture Mittens settles on you can bet that it will come with an authorization for the expenses to be tax deductible for the POTUS.

  33. OneYieldRegular

    Why should anyone expect a guy who tied a dog to the top of his car and terrorized a classmate by holding him down and cutting off his hair to have the least bit of understanding of why torture is morally repugnant?

  34. Nostrildamus

    “There are many reasons for [not using torture,] but the main one is that such techniques are now indisputably illegal.”

    Someone clearly has no memory whatever of 2001-2008.

  35. fawkedifiknow

    Here's a torture method that will strike great fear in anybody: An hour or two locked in the same room with Ann Romney, who will rattle on and on about what a wonderful man her Mittness is.

  36. SaintRond

    Occasionally, the tree of Liberty must be watered from time to time with the shit and tears of strangers.

  37. schvitzatura

    Viscount Hairgel is already planning not to go overseas (once out of office), if elected; ICC thingee.

    Cross a whole bunch of countries off the lists of safe place for LDS missions, for the next millenia or two, fo shizzle.

  38. fuflans

    fucking draft dodging chicken hawks. always first with the most aggressive postures.

    for someone else.

    oh and btw mitt: this sort of thing does not sit comfortably with your sophisticated businessman image. though to be fair, there is very little that is comfortable about you.

  39. decentcitizen

    I for one am tired of all these gutless wimps advocating "tough guy" torture techniques. If you're such a bad-ass, meet me in the parking lot.

  40. ttommyunger

    I have written about this extensively (available at OPEDNews, and elsewhere) so I'll just keep it short and simple: torture will produce compliance only, not accurate intelligence. These fuckwads (I'm talking to you Dubya, Cheney and Rummy) just like torture.

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