penetrating analysis

Rick Sanchez On How Romney Can Win Tonight’s Debate: Explain Jobs More Better

I've got something to say!When we last heard from World’s Dumbest Anchorman Rick Sanchez, he had gotten fired from CNN for blowing the lid off of the global Jewish conspiracy and so had nothing better to do than to do some light content aggregation on HuffPo and pay some poor publicist to send out email blasts about it. Since then he has managed to snag a job or at least the password to some blogging software and now his deep thoughts appear on “Fox News Latino,” which is a real website that exists. How can Mitt Romney defeat Obama in tonight’s debate, Rick Sanchez? Easy! Just explain, in simple terms, how Mitt Romney will create jobs, for everybody. Why hasn’t Mitt done this? It’s almost as if it would be very complicated to explain and/or he doesn’t actually know how!

So Rick Sanchez teases in the headline to his column/blog-thingie on Fox News Latino that he will give Mitt Romney the SECRET KEY that will prevent “lights out” for our hapless GOP nominee. Would you like to click on this, if you are eager to see Mitt win? Of course you would! Let’s examine Rick’s secret plan. MITT NEEDS A SECRET PLAN, GUYS. Here’s the blow-by-blow of how the column unfolds!

  • Rick stops at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant outside Atlanta, whose owner is concerned about the economy and ambivalent about Obama: 288 words.
  • Rick explains what the “labor participation rate” is, then notes that Americans are “screaming” to be told how that rate can be lowered, only without any fancy economics science talk: 239 words
  • Rick mentions that his wife, who is presumably whatever the Latino equivalent of a shiksa is, is “literally disgusted” by the tongue tacos they got at this Mexican restaurant, whose owner, as previously noted, is ambivalent about Obama: 46 words.
  • AND HERE’S THE PUNCHLINE: Unemployment is bad, and so Romney can win if only he explains, in terms that are simultaneously concrete and easy to understand, his plan to end unemployment: 106 words.

IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE NOW!!! Anyway, long story short, Mitt Romney is going to lose the debate tonight. [Fox News Latino]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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      1. SoBeach

        Instead of a drinking game I'm going to play a zinger eating game.

        Every time Mitt ham-handedly delivers a "zinger" to goes over like a turd in a punchbowl I'm going to eat a zinger.

        I'll be sure to have an insulin syringe standing by.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          You ever look at the list of ingredients on one of them things? Better living through chemistry.

      1. PsycWench

        But if you combine them into "Mittzinger" you end up with a Jewish-sounding surname which just shows that Rick Sanchez was right about the global Jewish Conspiracy after all.

  1. Oblios_Cap

    The Dirty Sanchez must be paid by the word. He used almost 700 of them to say absolutely nothing.

    Is he related to Mark Sanchez? Because Mark plays football like Rick writes.

  2. Beowoof

    If Mitt could explain why Sanchez has a job or ever had a job, I might think about voting for him.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Do you mean other than the one who cleans the bathrooms? How much diversity do you people want?

  3. PsycWench

    "labor participation rate"? That's a new one on me, but why would you need a euphanism for "employment"?

  4. SorosBot

    But Mitt's already explained how he'll create jobs! By magic; the economy will suddenly improve and companies will start hiring again once he's elected, because – confidence? He's a little unclear on that last past.

    Or, basically Romney's plan is this:

    1. Elect Mitt Romney President
    2. ????
    3. Jobs!

  5. sullivanst

    Maybe Mitt will first have to explain why a guy who once infamously claimed to be (long-term) unemployed should be listened to on the subject of job creation?

    1. Typodong3

      Damnit now Im trying to imagine how this could be dirtier than a normal tongue in the taco move. Ok.. a tongue taco involves leaving the tongue in the taco whilst pouring hotsauce.. oh god nm this isnt working.

    1. schvitzatura

      Some of Dr. Josef Heiter's other handiwork, I presume?

      We're all thankful for it, because now… we know definitely yet bottle blondes are the two middle pieces! And the beginning ones, too!

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I was going to read that all the way through but got distracted by the idea of tongue tacos.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Come on, Mitt doesn't need to win the debate — all he has to do is point out that we have high unemployment and that he's a businessman, and protect his massive and overpowering lead and Obama will take care of sinking himself. That's been the strategy since before Mitt got the nomination, and there's clearly no reason to change it now. Carry on.

  8. Mumbletypeg

    This guy. A derp artist without parallel. Who wonkette was kicking around before we'd even started using the word 'derp', maybe. Glad the Fox fun train didn't leave without him; their semblance of a diverse roundup of douchebags is near complete.

  9. DahBoner

    America's Dumbest Latino

    Definately dumber than the uneducated Mexican camposino who asked me if America was close to Italy…

  10. frrolfe

    hello everyone, been lurking for a long time but, as zero hour approaches, thought i would let you in on one of the robot's "zinger's" ?

    Q: why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: exterminate! exterminate!

    (blue screen of death follows. fade to black.)

  11. BartStarrland

    From TFA-
    El Taquito is a “hole in the wall” clumsily crafted inside a gas station, where both locals and commuters belly up for authentic Mexican grub….Yes, the Confederate flag still flies here, but it now competes with the eye-popping green shades of Mexican banners
    Could have saved those 679 words and used two well worn ones – "Southern Strategy"

  12. Jerri

    "Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want…Sure beats doing it."

    Maybe it's the alt-text on that picture, but all of a sudden I think this Strangers With Candy quote seems to fit nicely with Mitt and his White House dreams.

  13. Incitefully_Joe

    Fuck you, Rick Sanchez's wife. Lengua tacos are the fucking best, and I usually don't really go for cuts of meat that retain organ-ey names.

    Also, your husband's column sucks, too.

  14. Incitefully_Joe

    God, with the number of opinion columnists lining up to write Mitt Romney's speeches for him, I'm a little surprised that Republicans still make those teleprompter jokes.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Hey, teleprompters are hard for the homeschooled person whose mom dropped out after first grade.

  15. Peckerwood_Pete

    Want a job? Move to Asia. Oh, and they do have safety nets there…. in case you need to committ suicide after a hard day at the plant.

  16. iTuna

    Fox News Latino is kind of weirdly awesome, except for running stories by dumb loudmouth Rick Sanchez.

  17. oenspiek

    No doubt about it: a Romney administration would create lots of jerbs — in India and China, same as he's always done.

  18. ttommyunger

    Rick Sanchez, latest of the Zombie Journalists. You kill them and they just keep coming back……

Comments are closed.