penetrating analysis

Rick Sanchez On How Romney Can Win Tonight’s Debate: Explain Jobs More Better

I've got something to say!When we last heard from World’s Dumbest Anchorman Rick Sanchez, he had gotten fired from CNN for blowing the lid off of the global Jewish conspiracy and so had nothing better to do than to do some light content aggregation on HuffPo and pay some poor publicist to send out email blasts about it. Since then he has managed to snag a job or at least the password to some blogging software and now his deep thoughts appear on “Fox News Latino,” which is a real website that exists. How can Mitt Romney defeat Obama in tonight’s debate, Rick Sanchez? Easy! Just explain, in simple terms, how Mitt Romney will create jobs, for everybody. Why hasn’t Mitt done this? It’s almost as if it would be very complicated to explain and/or he doesn’t actually know how!

So Rick Sanchez teases in the headline to his column/blog-thingie on Fox News Latino that he will give Mitt Romney the SECRET KEY that will prevent “lights out” for our hapless GOP nominee. Would you like to click on this, if you are eager to see Mitt win? Of course you would! Let’s examine Rick’s secret plan. MITT NEEDS A SECRET PLAN, GUYS. Here’s the blow-by-blow of how the column unfolds!

  • Rick stops at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant outside Atlanta, whose owner is concerned about the economy and ambivalent about Obama: 288 words.
  • Rick explains what the “labor participation rate” is, then notes that Americans are “screaming” to be told how that rate can be lowered, only without any fancy economics science talk: 239 words
  • Rick mentions that his wife, who is presumably whatever the Latino equivalent of a shiksa is, is “literally disgusted” by the tongue tacos they got at this Mexican restaurant, whose owner, as previously noted, is ambivalent about Obama: 46 words.
  • AND HERE’S THE PUNCHLINE: Unemployment is bad, and so Romney can win if only he explains, in terms that are simultaneously concrete and easy to understand, his plan to end unemployment: 106 words.

IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE NOW!!! Anyway, long story short, Mitt Romney is going to lose the debate tonight. [Fox News Latino]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

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  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Rick Sanchez is about as Latino as Mitt Romney-o

    • mrpuma2u

      needz more chipotle??? Heck he could use some fiery doritos, and layoff the mayonnaise

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Mitt will go all "Drop theee chalupa, Meester President" tonight

    • eggsacklywright

      Needs moar Rick-roll.

  • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

    But, but Mitt's got a bunch of zingers he's been rehearsing for months.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Your move, Dolly Madison.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        DAMN YOU, SiR!

      • SoBeach

        Instead of a drinking game I'm going to play a zinger eating game.

        Every time Mitt ham-handedly delivers a "zinger" to goes over like a turd in a punchbowl I'm going to eat a zinger.

        I'll be sure to have an insulin syringe standing by.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          You ever look at the list of ingredients on one of them things? Better living through chemistry.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • Gleem McShineys

        CAKES WE LIKE

    • LibertyLover

      Somehow, "Mitt" and "Zingers" don't seem to compute in the same sentence.

      • PsycWench

        But if you combine them into "Mittzinger" you end up with a Jewish-sounding surname which just shows that Rick Sanchez was right about the global Jewish Conspiracy after all.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Funny thing that: he's Hispanic, so he wasn't saying Jewish, he was mispronouncing "You-ish," jou know what I meang?

    • eggsacklywright

      I bet Mittz' zinger-slinger is mighty rusty, like unto a trebuchet.

    • Generation[redacted]

      "Can I call you Joe? 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    I thought Rick didn't have a job himself.

    • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

      So, he's in good company with Miffed who also is unemployed.

  • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

    What's the under/over on how many times Mitt steps on his dick tonight?

    • bflrtsplk

      He`s gotta find it first.

      • RedneckMuslin

        It's as clear as the, er, his face.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Rick Sanchez is still alive?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      His career, obviously isn't.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And dirtier than ever, IYKWIM.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I just hope that Eddie Murphy has been giving Obama some coaching on his comportment.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HktV2yGtLv8
    In *angry black man* voice: "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!"

  • GhostBuggy

    Well, you can't ever say that Rick Sanchez doesn't know how to fill space on a website.

  • Estproph

    Rick Sanchez = worst sexual position ever

    • jodyleek

      Performing the Dirty Sanchez whilst dressed as Rick James?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Is Rick confusing 'Zingers' with "tasers?'

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Dirty Sanchez must be paid by the word. He used almost 700 of them to say absolutely nothing.

    Is he related to Mark Sanchez? Because Mark plays football like Rick writes.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oh, man! That's a cheap shot! You apologize!

      • sullivanst

        Against whom?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          The quarterback! At least he managed to keep his job after fucking it up.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I'll meet you halfway. Mark's better than Tebow.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Christ, I'm better than Tebow.

          • zippy_w_pinhead

            yeah, but Teblow has Christ on speed dial…

  • chicken_thief

    But what does Tebow think?

    • LibertyLover

      Wait. Tebow thinks?

    • Nowisallthereis

      He thinks about shower time with all his teammates.

  • Beowoof

    If Mitt could explain why Sanchez has a job or ever had a job, I might think about voting for him.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Dumb goes in, dumb comes out. Can't explain that!

  • UW8316154

    Mmmm….I enjoy tongue. I wonder what she found so distasteful about it?

    • Oblios_Cap

      She didn't put in the right places?

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Fox News Latino? Yeah, I can see that – one single Latino at Fox News.

    • Mittaplasia

      Do you mean other than the one who cleans the bathrooms? How much diversity do you people want?

  • Schmannnity

    The labor participation shrank by one when Sanchez ran over that guy after a Dolphins game.

  • FNMA

    That Taser must've scrambled his brains. I mean, who the fuck orders lengua tacos?

  • PsycWench

    "labor participation rate"? That's a new one on me, but why would you need a euphanism for "employment"?

  • chicken_thief

    One can get fired from CNN for "blowing…. "?! Anderson, not a good time to come out.

  • Lucidamente1

    "Also, Mitt should act out a Punch and Judio, I mean Judy, routine to lighten things up."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Mittens already explained jobs better. All the way out the door or to China/India/etc.

  • SorosBot

    But Mitt's already explained how he'll create jobs! By magic; the economy will suddenly improve and companies will start hiring again once he's elected, because – confidence? He's a little unclear on that last past.

    Or, basically Romney's plan is this:

    1. Elect Mitt Romney President
    2. ????
    3. Jobs!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      4. Blame the Black guy once #3 fails.

    • PsycWench

      The angel Moroni will come, bearing jobs instead of showing off his golden plates. Duh.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    Creating jobs is simple. You cut taxes on the rich, they bank their new moneys off-shore, and then someone else somewhere creates jobs.

    • Esteev

      Consider yourself written-in, sir.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Latino equivalent of a shiksa

    Ho, of course.

    • shelwood46

      Puta?

  • sullivanst

    Maybe Mitt will first have to explain why a guy who once infamously claimed to be (long-term) unemployed should be listened to on the subject of job creation?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    World’s Dumbest Anchorman

    There's too many to just pick one. But he does merit a spot in their Hall of Fame.

    • sullivanst

      Greg Kelly.

      Definitely Greg Kelly. Because, "science"

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Rick Sanchez: "Give me a tongue taco and none of your lip."

  • LibertyLover

    Mitt said that he would create jobs… he never said they would be American jobs.

  • SnarkOff

    ¡Ay, caramba!

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    tongue tacos

    Is it just me, or does that sound like an incredibly dirty sex act?

    • eggsacklywright

      Isn't that just a normal-oral thingy?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Perhaps you should describe what you imagine them to be.

      Hang on…I need to put on some Barry White first…

    • Typodong3

      Damnit now Im trying to imagine how this could be dirtier than a normal tongue in the taco move. Ok.. a tongue taco involves leaving the tongue in the taco whilst pouring hotsauce.. oh god nm this isnt working.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Here we have the one Latino who enjoys the advantages Mitt Romney envys so much.

  • sullivanst

    Wasn't Rick a taseree?

    I suppose we don't need more of him, so you probably have a point.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    That is not the "Foxy Latinas" site I am familiar with! Oh wait.

  • mavenmaven

    If that terrifying picture of Romney at a Chipotle accompanying Sanchez's stupid article doesn't terrify you, then check out the picture accompanying Douthat's equally stupid article in today's times http://campaignstops.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/02… that should give you nightmares…

    • schvitzatura

      Some of Dr. Josef Heiter's other handiwork, I presume?

      We're all thankful for it, because now… we know definitely yet bottle blondes are the two middle pieces! And the beginning ones, too!

  • ElPinche

    Don't get me started on that puto Sanchez.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Fox News Latino? Is that like the Sideboob section at HuffPost?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I was going to read that all the way through but got distracted by the idea of tongue tacos.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Come on, Mitt doesn't need to win the debate — all he has to do is point out that we have high unemployment and that he's a businessman, and protect his massive and overpowering lead and Obama will take care of sinking himself. That's been the strategy since before Mitt got the nomination, and there's clearly no reason to change it now. Carry on.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This guy. A derp artist without parallel. Who wonkette was kicking around before we'd even started using the word 'derp', maybe. Glad the Fox fun train didn't leave without him; their semblance of a diverse roundup of douchebags is near complete.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if Rick's wife knows about menudo.

    • PubOption

      The boy band?

  • DahBoner

    America's Dumbest Latino

    Definately dumber than the uneducated Mexican camposino who asked me if America was close to Italy…

  • frrolfe

    hello everyone, been lurking for a long time but, as zero hour approaches, thought i would let you in on one of the robot's "zinger's" ?

    Q: why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: exterminate! exterminate!

    (blue screen of death follows. fade to black.)

  • BartStarrland

    From TFA-
    El Taquito is a “hole in the wall” clumsily crafted inside a gas station, where both locals and commuters belly up for authentic Mexican grub….Yes, the Confederate flag still flies here, but it now competes with the eye-popping green shades of Mexican banners
    Could have saved those 679 words and used two well worn ones – "Southern Strategy"

  • Jerri

    "Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want…Sure beats doing it."

    Maybe it's the alt-text on that picture, but all of a sudden I think this Strangers With Candy quote seems to fit nicely with Mitt and his White House dreams.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    Fuck you, Rick Sanchez's wife. Lengua tacos are the fucking best, and I usually don't really go for cuts of meat that retain organ-ey names.

    Also, your husband's column sucks, too.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    God, with the number of opinion columnists lining up to write Mitt Romney's speeches for him, I'm a little surprised that Republicans still make those teleprompter jokes.

    • Mittaplasia

      Hey, teleprompters are hard for the homeschooled person whose mom dropped out after first grade.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    I'm especially disappoint that Sanchez didn't use the best picture from Mitt Romney's stop at Chipotle.

    • mavenmaven

      Romney had just said: ¿Quién soltó a los perros?

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Want a job? Move to Asia. Oh, and they do have safety nets there…. in case you need to committ suicide after a hard day at the plant.

  • Slim_Pickins

    So massive hiring by Federal and State governments. That's the plan?

  • Weenus299

    It wouldn't hurt if you were to post that video of him getting tased. it just doesn't get old.

  • Esteev

    Wait, who's Rick Sanchez? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

  • iTuna

    Fox News Latino is kind of weirdly awesome, except for running stories by dumb loudmouth Rick Sanchez.

  • MosesInvests

    "Latino equivalent of a shiksa"-"gabacha" or "güera".

  • oenspiek

    No doubt about it: a Romney administration would create lots of jerbs — in India and China, same as he's always done.

  • Mittaplasia

    The Romney campaign's latest idea: Well, we could build a really large badger….

  • ttommyunger

    Rick Sanchez, latest of the Zombie Journalists. You kill them and they just keep coming back……