PENETRATING ANALYSIS  10:34 am October 3, 2012

Rick Sanchez On How Romney Can Win Tonight’s Debate: Explain Jobs More Better

by Josh Fruhlinger

I've got something to say!When we last heard from World’s Dumbest Anchorman Rick Sanchez, he had gotten fired from CNN for blowing the lid off of the global Jewish conspiracy and so had nothing better to do than to do some light content aggregation on HuffPo and pay some poor publicist to send out email blasts about it. Since then he has managed to snag a job or at least the password to some blogging software and now his deep thoughts appear on “Fox News Latino,” which is a real website that exists. How can Mitt Romney defeat Obama in tonight’s debate, Rick Sanchez? Easy! Just explain, in simple terms, how Mitt Romney will create jobs, for everybody. Why hasn’t Mitt done this? It’s almost as if it would be very complicated to explain and/or he doesn’t actually know how!

So Rick Sanchez teases in the headline to his column/blog-thingie on Fox News Latino that he will give Mitt Romney the SECRET KEY that will prevent “lights out” for our hapless GOP nominee. Would you like to click on this, if you are eager to see Mitt win? Of course you would! Let’s examine Rick’s secret plan. MITT NEEDS A SECRET PLAN, GUYS. Here’s the blow-by-blow of how the column unfolds!

  • Rick stops at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant outside Atlanta, whose owner is concerned about the economy and ambivalent about Obama: 288 words.
  • Rick explains what the “labor participation rate” is, then notes that Americans are “screaming” to be told how that rate can be lowered, only without any fancy economics science talk: 239 words
  • Rick mentions that his wife, who is presumably whatever the Latino equivalent of a shiksa is, is “literally disgusted” by the tongue tacos they got at this Mexican restaurant, whose owner, as previously noted, is ambivalent about Obama: 46 words.
  • AND HERE’S THE PUNCHLINE: Unemployment is bad, and so Romney can win if only he explains, in terms that are simultaneously concrete and easy to understand, his plan to end unemployment: 106 words.

IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE NOW!!! Anyway, long story short, Mitt Romney is going to lose the debate tonight. [Fox News Latino]

 
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{ 98 comments }

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:37 am

Rick Sanchez is about as Latino as Mitt Romney-o

mrpuma2u October 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

needz more chipotle??? Heck he could use some fiery doritos, and layoff the mayonnaise

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

Mitt will go all "Drop theee chalupa, Meester President" tonight

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

Needs moar Rick-roll.

no_gravity October 3, 2012 at 10:37 am

But, but Mitt's got a bunch of zingers he's been rehearsing for months.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

Your move, Dolly Madison.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

DAMN YOU, SiR!

SoBeach October 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

Instead of a drinking game I'm going to play a zinger eating game.

Every time Mitt ham-handedly delivers a "zinger" to goes over like a turd in a punchbowl I'm going to eat a zinger.

I'll be sure to have an insulin syringe standing by.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

You ever look at the list of ingredients on one of them things? Better living through chemistry.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:42 am
Gleem McShineys October 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

CAKES WE LIKE

LibertyLover October 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

Somehow, "Mitt" and "Zingers" don't seem to compute in the same sentence.

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

But if you combine them into "Mittzinger" you end up with a Jewish-sounding surname which just shows that Rick Sanchez was right about the global Jewish Conspiracy after all.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

Funny thing that: he's Hispanic, so he wasn't saying Jewish, he was mispronouncing "You-ish," jou know what I meang?

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 10:57 am

I bet Mittz' zinger-slinger is mighty rusty, like unto a trebuchet.

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

"Can I call you Joe? 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."

ChillBill October 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

I thought Rick didn't have a job himself.

no_gravity October 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

So, he's in good company with Miffed who also is unemployed.

no_gravity October 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

What's the under/over on how many times Mitt steps on his dick tonight?

bflrtsplk October 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

He`s gotta find it first.

RedneckMuslin October 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

It's as clear as the, er, his face.

RedneckMuslin October 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

Rick Sanchez is still alive?

ChillBill October 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

His career, obviously isn't.

FlownOver October 3, 2012 at 11:31 am

And dirtier than ever, IYKWIM.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

I just hope that Eddie Murphy has been giving Obama some coaching on his comportment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HktV2yGtLv8
In *angry black man* voice: "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!"

GhostBuggy October 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

Well, you can't ever say that Rick Sanchez doesn't know how to fill space on a website.

Estproph October 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

Rick Sanchez = worst sexual position ever

jodyleek October 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

Performing the Dirty Sanchez whilst dressed as Rick James?

Gratuitous World October 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

Is Rick confusing 'Zingers' with "tasers?'

Oblios_Cap October 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

The Dirty Sanchez must be paid by the word. He used almost 700 of them to say absolutely nothing.

Is he related to Mark Sanchez? Because Mark plays football like Rick writes.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

Oh, man! That's a cheap shot! You apologize!

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

Against whom?

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

The quarterback! At least he managed to keep his job after fucking it up.

Oblios_Cap October 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

I'll meet you halfway. Mark's better than Tebow.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

Christ, I'm better than Tebow.

zippy_w_pinhead October 3, 2012 at 11:15 am

yeah, but Teblow has Christ on speed dial…

chicken_thief October 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

But what does Tebow think?

LibertyLover October 3, 2012 at 10:57 am

Wait. Tebow thinks?

Nowisallthereis October 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

He thinks about shower time with all his teammates.

Beowoof October 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

If Mitt could explain why Sanchez has a job or ever had a job, I might think about voting for him.

IceCreamEmpress October 3, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Dumb goes in, dumb comes out. Can't explain that!

UW8316154 October 3, 2012 at 10:44 am

Mmmm….I enjoy tongue. I wonder what she found so distasteful about it?

Oblios_Cap October 3, 2012 at 10:59 am

She didn't put in the right places?

Dr_Zoidberg October 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

Fox News Latino? Yeah, I can see that – one single Latino at Fox News.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Do you mean other than the one who cleans the bathrooms? How much diversity do you people want?

Schmannnity October 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

The labor participation shrank by one when Sanchez ran over that guy after a Dolphins game.

FNMA October 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

That Taser must've scrambled his brains. I mean, who the fuck orders lengua tacos?

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

"labor participation rate"? That's a new one on me, but why would you need a euphanism for "employment"?

chicken_thief October 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

One can get fired from CNN for "blowing…. "?! Anderson, not a good time to come out.

Lucidamente1 October 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

"Also, Mitt should act out a Punch and Judio, I mean Judy, routine to lighten things up."

ManchuCandidate October 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

Mittens already explained jobs better. All the way out the door or to China/India/etc.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 10:50 am

But Mitt's already explained how he'll create jobs! By magic; the economy will suddenly improve and companies will start hiring again once he's elected, because – confidence? He's a little unclear on that last past.

Or, basically Romney's plan is this:

1. Elect Mitt Romney President
2. ????
3. Jobs!

ChillBill October 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

4. Blame the Black guy once #3 fails.

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

The angel Moroni will come, bearing jobs instead of showing off his golden plates. Duh.

MilwaukeeKent October 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

Creating jobs is simple. You cut taxes on the rich, they bank their new moneys off-shore, and then someone else somewhere creates jobs.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

Consider yourself written-in, sir.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

Latino equivalent of a shiksa

Ho, of course.

shelwood46 October 3, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Puta?

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 10:52 am

Maybe Mitt will first have to explain why a guy who once infamously claimed to be (long-term) unemployed should be listened to on the subject of job creation?

Joshua Norton October 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

World’s Dumbest Anchorman

There's too many to just pick one. But he does merit a spot in their Hall of Fame.

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

Greg Kelly.

Definitely Greg Kelly. Because, "science"

Chow Yun Flat October 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

Rick Sanchez: "Give me a tongue taco and none of your lip."

LibertyLover October 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

Mitt said that he would create jobs… he never said they would be American jobs.

SnarkOff October 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

¡Ay, caramba!

Joshua Norton October 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

tongue tacos

Is it just me, or does that sound like an incredibly dirty sex act?

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

Isn't that just a normal-oral thingy?

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

Perhaps you should describe what you imagine them to be.

Hang on…I need to put on some Barry White first…

Typodong3 October 3, 2012 at 11:24 am

Damnit now Im trying to imagine how this could be dirtier than a normal tongue in the taco move. Ok.. a tongue taco involves leaving the tongue in the taco whilst pouring hotsauce.. oh god nm this isnt working.

mrblifil October 3, 2012 at 10:57 am

Here we have the one Latino who enjoys the advantages Mitt Romney envys so much.

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

Wasn't Rick a taseree?

I suppose we don't need more of him, so you probably have a point.

Chet Kincaid_ October 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

That is not the "Foxy Latinas" site I am familiar with! Oh wait.

mavenmaven October 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

If that terrifying picture of Romney at a Chipotle accompanying Sanchez's stupid article doesn't terrify you, then check out the picture accompanying Douthat's equally stupid article in today's times http://campaignstops.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/02… that should give you nightmares…

schvitzatura October 3, 2012 at 11:24 am

Some of Dr. Josef Heiter's other handiwork, I presume?

We're all thankful for it, because now… we know definitely yet bottle blondes are the two middle pieces! And the beginning ones, too!

ElPinche October 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

Don't get me started on that puto Sanchez.

randcoolcatdaddy October 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

Fox News Latino? Is that like the Sideboob section at HuffPost?

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

I was going to read that all the way through but got distracted by the idea of tongue tacos.

SayItWithWookies October 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

Come on, Mitt doesn't need to win the debate — all he has to do is point out that we have high unemployment and that he's a businessman, and protect his massive and overpowering lead and Obama will take care of sinking himself. That's been the strategy since before Mitt got the nomination, and there's clearly no reason to change it now. Carry on.

Mumbletypeg October 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

This guy. A derp artist without parallel. Who wonkette was kicking around before we'd even started using the word 'derp', maybe. Glad the Fox fun train didn't leave without him; their semblance of a diverse roundup of douchebags is near complete.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 11:12 am

I wonder if Rick's wife knows about menudo.

PubOption October 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

The boy band?

DahBoner October 3, 2012 at 11:16 am

America's Dumbest Latino

Definately dumber than the uneducated Mexican camposino who asked me if America was close to Italy…

frrolfe October 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

hello everyone, been lurking for a long time but, as zero hour approaches, thought i would let you in on one of the robot's "zinger's" ?

Q: why did the chicken cross the road?

A: exterminate! exterminate!

(blue screen of death follows. fade to black.)

BartStarrland October 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

From TFA-
El Taquito is a “hole in the wall” clumsily crafted inside a gas station, where both locals and commuters belly up for authentic Mexican grub….Yes, the Confederate flag still flies here, but it now competes with the eye-popping green shades of Mexican banners
Could have saved those 679 words and used two well worn ones – "Southern Strategy"

Jerri October 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

"Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want…Sure beats doing it."

Maybe it's the alt-text on that picture, but all of a sudden I think this Strangers With Candy quote seems to fit nicely with Mitt and his White House dreams.

Incitefully_Joe October 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

Fuck you, Rick Sanchez's wife. Lengua tacos are the fucking best, and I usually don't really go for cuts of meat that retain organ-ey names.

Also, your husband's column sucks, too.

Incitefully_Joe October 3, 2012 at 11:27 am

God, with the number of opinion columnists lining up to write Mitt Romney's speeches for him, I'm a little surprised that Republicans still make those teleprompter jokes.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hey, teleprompters are hard for the homeschooled person whose mom dropped out after first grade.

Incitefully_Joe October 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

I'm especially disappoint that Sanchez didn't use the best picture from Mitt Romney's stop at Chipotle.

mavenmaven October 3, 2012 at 11:38 am

Romney had just said: ¿Quién soltó a los perros?

Peckerwood_Pete October 3, 2012 at 11:38 am

Want a job? Move to Asia. Oh, and they do have safety nets there…. in case you need to committ suicide after a hard day at the plant.

Slim_Pickins October 3, 2012 at 11:45 am

So massive hiring by Federal and State governments. That's the plan?

Weenus299 October 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

It wouldn't hurt if you were to post that video of him getting tased. it just doesn't get old.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

Wait, who's Rick Sanchez? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

iTuna October 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Fox News Latino is kind of weirdly awesome, except for running stories by dumb loudmouth Rick Sanchez.

MosesInvests October 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

"Latino equivalent of a shiksa"-"gabacha" or "gu╠łera".

oenspiek October 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

No doubt about it: a Romney administration would create lots of jerbs — in India and China, same as he's always done.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 1:08 pm

The Romney campaign's latest idea: Well, we could build a really large badger….

ttommyunger October 3, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Rick Sanchez, latest of the Zombie Journalists. You kill them and they just keep coming back……

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