totally normal

How Is Todd Akin Helping Claire McCaskill Today?

Oh how SHOCKING! We have just confirmed, via video, that crazy things have been coming out of Todd Akin’s mouth for many years now. For example, did you know that Todd Akin’s daughter writes science fiction stories about a dystopian future wherein child care is widely available and administered with efficiency, and that Todd Akin has cited these stories on the House floor to support his arguments against stem cell research? He is against stem cell research because a pregnant woman is like an air conditioner that runs on food instead of electricity, wherein resides a person like your Wonkette (if you are lucky) or Todd Akin (if you are not lucky).

My own daughter wrote a little story—I will read it—about step three. “I live with 40 others in a compound, supervised by cool, efficient orderlies. Instead of playing, I stood pondering a troubling dream from the night before. It was of a loving father, giving his child a name. I’ve always been just 5-25-61-B….

Now an embryo may seem like some scientific or laboratory term, but in fact the embryo contains the unique information that defines a person. All you add is food and climate control, and some time, and the embryo becomes you or me.”

Fascinating stuff. Also, it will not surprise you to learn that Todd Akin is VERY CONCERNED about the horrors of abortion clinics, wherein pit-dwelling “medical” providers use anesthesia recreationally in unsanitary conditions and give abortions to women who are not actually pregnant for purposes related to tax evasion.

“You find that along with the culture of death go all kinds of other law-breaking: Not following good sanitary procedure, giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant, cheating on taxes, all these kinds of things.”
“All of these things are common practice,” Akin continued, “but all of that information is available for America.”


About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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  1. SorosBot

    They give abortions to women who aren't actually pregnant? Then maybe that means that, despite being a man, I will be able to achieve my dream of getting an abortion too!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Sorosbot: I want to have babies.
      Misstaken: You want to have babies?!
      Sorosbot: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
      Misstaken: But…you can't have babies!
      Sorosbot: Don't you oppress me!
      Misstaken: I'm not oppressing you, Soros. You haven't got a womb. Where is the foetus going to gestate? Are you going to keep it in a box?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Well, the bathtub is for sleeping and the toilet is for brewing gin, but I imagine that MissTaken can find, like, a yogurt maker or something.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You know — fake abortions, to fraudulently collect all those Federal dollars that are … oh, wait.

      1. boobookitteh

        I want to engrave the Hyde Amendment on a slab of granite and smack people over the head with it when they bitch about their federal tax dollars paying for abortions.

    2. PsycWench

      Sounds like something that ought to be wrapped with a nice card, doesn't it? Here, I have a special gift for you.

    3. Naked_Bunny

      Do you ever go to the dentist to get your teeth cleaned, to prevent cavities? (Of course not. Who can afford such things?) This is the same thing, but with vaginas, I guess.

  2. SorosBot

    "It was of a loving father, giving his child a name."

    Strange that the hypothetical mother is absent from this insane scenario. It's almost as if Akin is a woman-hating fuckhead.

      1. jjdaddyo

        Supposedly, Akin's wife "is the real conservative" of the two of them. Unfortunately, they are keeping her locked in a closet with a rag stuffed in her mouth so she doesn't give any interviews.

  3. Mumbletypeg

    Todd Akin’s daughter writes science fiction stories about a dystopian future

    Poor "Science" and "Fiction" are lookin a little edgy and anxious as they are plied in the hands of freeps who possess scant true understanding of either one.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Ever since L. Ron Hubbard got rich doing it, wingnut sci-fi has been a cottage industry for thousands of hack writers. With very few exceptions, they all suck.

      1. eggsacklywright

        Joe Smith and Elron are old hat. We needs us a brand new religion based on the fizzics as understood by the Krell. Could be a hot seller.

    2. Gleem McShineys

      Fiction just needs to point to the places on the doll where the freeptards touched it.

      If we're diligent, we can intervene before things get any worse. Poor Irony, however, will likely never be the same.

  4. glamourdammerung

    A Republican is whining about tax evasion?

    That would be like the NRA whining about the BATFE not taking enough guns off the streets.


  5. Rosie_Scenario

    But if it is NOT a legitimate abortion, the female body has a way of shutting that thing down.

  6. SorosBot

    Akin, how is that imaginary embryo pondering anything when it, you know, doesn't have a brain and can't think?

    1. actor212


      See, I thought she was calling a slant pattern to the tight end as the hot receiver against the nickel package, but what do I know?

      1. UnholyMoses

        Actually, the slot receiver would be the hot read, after being motioned to the side free of the extra DB, and the slot would run a quick out while the TE tries to block the blitzing LB.

        Of course, I'm a Chiefs fan, so the QB would just wind up throwing a pick 6 anyway.

    2. Abernathy

      In the future, we'll all be rocking some serious pear shape. I blame the lack of stable father figures.

      1. UnholyMoses

        I actually goofed the middle number (tried it from memory), but still glad someone got the reference.

        +1 for you!

        1. calliecallie

          My teenagers were very surprised when they realized I knew the words to that song. I think it's because I bought the sound track to the Charlie's Angels movie.

          I also do Eminem.

    1. SorosBot

      Yeah, Akin (like Santorum) has made it very clear that he wants to make The Handmaid's Tale reality.

  7. Terry

    Someone needs to ask him HOW you give an abortion to a woman who isn't pregnant. Get her up in the stirrups, insert a speculum, then pretend that you're really busy down there for a while?

    1. eggsacklywright

      I got two abortions yesterday. They let me take them home. They're in the fridge right now.

  8. ThundercatHo

    Todd Akin is a drooling, misogynistic, shit-stain but all that information is available for America.

  9. An_Outhouse

    Don't believe Akin kids. Here at the Abortionplex, we would never perform unnecessary abortions. And for Columbus Day weekend only, get three abortions for the price of two. That's right, three for two. Get 'em before they're gone!

  10. FakaktaSouth

    You know, women just are too dumb to know if we actually ARE pregnant and people can trick us in to having unnecessary treatments JUST as often as people cheat on their taxes. There's that whole show, "I Had No Idea I Wasn't Pregnant." on TLC

    Get the hell out of here with this, I got an unnecessary abortion scheduled after my tennis match.

    1. Barbara_

      Good luck on your abortion after tennis. I dare you to sign in at the super gyno doc's office as "FakaktaSouth" and "Fetus Gerulaitis." The people there have a really great sense of humor and they will love you, as do we all.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You are so right. I have gotten to where I am very good at remembering to take my pill before sex and have the abortion after tennis, right before carpool, it just makes the day FLY BY!

        1. prommie

          Hey whats the problem with a pre-emptive abortion? Are you supposed to wait for that little freeloader to start squatting in your uterus before you take action? Do you want the warning to be the mushroom cloud of pregnancy? Stand Your Womb is what it is!

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      I thought women were good at multi-tasking. Can't you play tennis and get your unnecessary abortion too?

        1. prommie

          Belt and suspenders, thats the surest way to keep your pants up, wear a belt and suspenders. It should work with this pregnancy (shudder) thing too.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            See, there's the problem. I don't wear pants – hardly never. I am a fucking lady, I wear tennis skirts (they may as well be) and well, you know, we gals have no control over such things, not even knowing you're doing it, much less getting knocked up is so confusing, and oh my, here things go again. But as God is my witness I will NEVER be pregnant again, not even pre-emptively. (shakes fist for real)

  11. tihond

    They're performing abortions on people who aren't pregnant is the new "This food sucks… and the portions are so small!"

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "All you add is food and climate control, and some time, and the embryo becomes you or me."
    So, we're all like Sea Monkeys, or Chia Pets?

    1. prommie

      I have filed a class action against those sea-monkey people. They ain't no fucking monkeys at all!

  13. freakishlywrong

    giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant, cheating on taxes
    So, did Miff's tax cheating cause the abortion that is his campaign?

  14. Nowisallthereis

    Hmmm, Kind of like giving a lobotomy to someone who (Todd) does not have a (Akin) brain?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Not sure why this reminds me that I want to shop for a chainsaw this weekend. Gas or electric?

  15. actor212

    “I live with 40 others in a compound, supervised by cool, efficient orderlies. Instead of playing, I stood pondering a troubling dream from the night before. It was of a loving father, giving his child a name. I’ve always been just 5-25-61-B…

    I hear when Mitt Romney read this, he wept tears of joy.

    Actually, it was just servo oil oozing out of his eyes, but you get the drift.

  16. mavenmaven

    Missouri Republican, he probably wants a little unnecessary abortion action himself, up the rectum.

  17. Esteev

    Doctors providing abortions to women who aren't pregnant?

    That's nothing, Missourians vote for Senators who aren't very bright.

  18. UW8316154

    Sounds like Todd's daughter got her hands on a copy of Brave New World!

    I'm surprised that book is part of a home-scholing curriculum, what with all the encouragement of recreational sex and soma consumption.

  19. LibertyLover

    “You find that along with the culture of death go all kinds of other law-breaking: Not following good sanitary procedure…

    I certainly know this happened before Roe v Wade…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      No, they didn't start putting those "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" signs up until the mid or late 70s, I think.

  20. Gorillionaire

    The most shocking part of this story is that Akin allowed his daughter to learn to read and write.

    1. mrblifil

      I'm gonna gingerly point out that that picture records the probable instant of the deaths of at least several children. If rapiness is to be avoided perhaps so should ironic use of ghastly human atrocities.

  21. Jus_Wonderin

    I really do understand this. Even before my daughter was born we scheduled a series of future unnecessary abortions for her. It was a lot like those college plans were you begin paying for it at birth. It worked out well for us, not to be hit with those costs (adjusted for inflation) when she reached abortion age.

  22. Dudleydidwrong

    I'm aching
    From too much Akin
    I hope to hell he will lose.
    But Missouri is Right–
    Some just aren't too bright–
    He could be the one they choose.

    I'm aching
    From too much Akin.
    He should dry up and blow away.
    The damage he's done
    No longer is fun:
    Crawl back under your rock, Todd, and stay.

  23. DahBoner

    "giving abortions to women that are not pregnant"


    The practice of butt-chugging wine has already spread to Missouri…

  24. GregComlish

    All you add is food and climate control, and some time, and the embryo becomes you or me

    What about Love, Mr. Akin? Does an embryo not need love to flourish? Does it not need the immaculate power of Christ?

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Oddly enough, those number names remind me more of the transhumanist Fereidoun M. Esfandiary, aka FM-2030.

  25. Pragmatist2

    Legal Question:
    If a doctor gives an abortion to a woman who isn't pregnant but whose non-pregnacy is in its third non-trimester, is that a crime of attempted abortion under Missouri law?

  26. eggsacklywright

    Todd saves his fingernail clippings to turn them into little fetii. Someone somewhere told him about that one time.

    1. rickmaci

      I hear his first act as a senator would be to introduce a ban on circumcision. Really. I heard about it somewhere on the internet.

  27. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "a pregnant woman is like an air conditioner that runs on food instead of electricity, wherein resides a person like your Wonkette (if you are lucky)"

    Wonkette is people, my friends!

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess those CSPAN videos must come from that NSN place too, crippling my browser and giving me speeds approaching those of dial-up. With a rotary phone.

    ♫ Gonna surf the web like it's
    Nineteen Ninety Nine ♪

  29. Biel_ze_Bubba

    That "culture of death" sounds pretty cool. I've seen pictures of their parades. And with candy skulls for the kids you forgot to abort, it's fun for the whole family.

  30. Toomush_Infer

    So….Todd Akin is fundamentally unAmerican….? Liberty and "not being forced" and all?…everything about this election cycle and Republicans is classic Rovian Bizarro Land…If I say you do it, that means I do it….

    1. CommieLibunatic

      That's the part of the modern GOP I still can't understand. For a party that's all about "freedom," they sure seem hellbent on inspecting your uterus and then some.

  31. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    A sitting member of Congress quotes his daughter's fanfic and reads it into the congressional record where it will be stored in perpetuity.

    This might be one reason Congress has a low approval rating.

  32. Radiotherapy

    Hey, Obama campaign, guess who is buddy, buddy, likeminded intellectually, with this ass clown?

  33. LibertyLover

    Akin's comment makes about as much sense as not buying a house next to a cemetery because of the fear of being one of the first houses hit when the Zombies attack. Oh Wait. Never mind. That's totally rational.

  34. prommie

    Isn't a vasectomy kinda like a pre-emptive abortion? And given the numbers involved, its damn close to genocide!

    1. CommieLibunatic

      How long does a sperm even last just sitting around in a man's body? If we go down that road, a dude will commit crimes against humanity by NOT impregnating every woman he encounters.

  35. sullivanst

    Crazy misogynist is misogynist who is also crazy.

    Also, ahead in the last two polls listed on 538. WTF, Missouri? Seriously, what the fuck?

  36. Beowoof

    As a CPA who spent extensive time preparing both business and individual income tax returns, I can truthfully say those who most often were trying to cheat on their taxes were republican. Most likely because they had figured out how to make more at the expense of the people who work for a living.

  37. Bezoar

    I think that if you perform an "abortion" on a woman who is not actually pregnant, it's called a D & C, meaning 'dilation and curretage', of the uterus, typically to remove residual endometrium due to some pathological condition, or maybe to obtain tissue for histological examination, for diagnostic purposes. At least I think so.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Do you think he cares about even half of those big, scary-sounding medical words you used?

    2. CindynEncinitas

      Maybe he thinks doctors give women fun drugs with their abortions so someone's trying to work an angle there. Good luck with that one, asshat.

  38. Bezoar

    Oh, I know! You can save a woman 5 days of menstruation with a simple 10-minute vacuuming procedure! Who knows if she's pregnant or not; that's not the point! I'll bet this is all the rage among Missouri college girls.

  39. schvitzatura

    I've always just been THX 1138.

    Or was it CT-782, or Duncan Idaho?

    Bye, Baby Banting, soon you'll need decanting…

  40. GemlikeFlame

    "culture of death" == spittle flecked anti-abortion single issue certifiable head case

    To quote GLF's deceased father, "Son, ain't no percentage in arguing with a head case. It's kind of like trying to teach a pig to sing. It just wastes your time and annoys the pig."

  41. Aridzona

    Today's to-do list:

    1. Take dog to vet
    2. Do grocery shopping
    3. Get empty uterus scraped and vacuumed just for the hell of it

  42. anniegetyerfun

    Seriously, though, how are Congresspeople not thrown off of the floor for citing SCIENCE FUCKING FICTION written by their own children as a part of their protests against SERIOUSLY FUCKING HEALTHCARE ISSUES?

  43. wolvenwood13

    M'kay. How do you remove a fetus when there is no fetus? That's like amputating a limb from a quadriplegic or removing a vagina from a man. They really need to quit running subhumans for Congress.

  44. emmelemm

    wherein pit-dwelling “medical” providers use anesthesia recreationally in unsanitary conditions and give abortions to women

    Almost 200 comments and no one's said Cider House Rules Libel?!!?? (If they have, I missed it, but I'm not firing on all cylinders today.)

  45. CindynEncinitas

    I went to one of those abortion parties in Newport once and let a doctor who didn't wash his hands do a body shot off my inner thigh, which may or may not have been pregnant at the time. We huffed carpet cleaner and danced to "funk" music and someone in the corner was making an airplane out of a 1040EZ. That's all I remember.

  46. Juicy_Stalin

    ‎"The right to liberty is to be able to follow your own conscience without being terrorized by some opponent"

    ~Todd Akin on cognitive dissonance

  47. ttommyunger

    Actually, this is not out of the realm of possibility. I have and still practice what Todd would probably consider Abortions on myself at least twice weekly. 'Course I perform them at home, usually, smothering the little bastards in a kleenex.

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