RENEGADE NUNS ON WHEELS  2:06 pm October 3, 2012

Wacky Ohio Nuns’ Video Says Women Who Use Contraceptives Make Men Gay

by Doktor Zoom

The “Children of Mary,” a group of nuns in Ohio, has released a video that is a kind of one-stop shopping trip for insane ideas about birth control. If you can’t bring yourself to waste 13 minutes of your life watching it (and we do not blame you at all if you decide to skip it), here are the main points:

  • Contraception makes men gay. Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractive, the Pill makes a lady’s body think it’s pregnant, so no more pheromones! This is all proven by “studies.” Including one on monkeys, where an alpha male stopped sexing lady monkeys when they were given a contraceptive. We do not know what kind of monkeys they were; the video shows chimps, which are not monkeys at all. But this is all very scientific so far.

    Also, “studies have shown” that because of all those pheromones, “men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models.” (Does the video say anything about fertile super models? It does not! We bet they are SUPER-sexy!) Even granting the video’s loopy premise that men are less attracted to non-fertile women (which we do not), there is maybe a difference between “less attracted” and “not attracted at all” — presumably people use these contraceptive thingies for some purpose having to do with sex? We suspect that this whole question of pheromonal attractiveness may be immaterial, since studies have also shown that men will happily put their peens into many things that are not ladies at all, as proven by Emergency Room records. And by South Carolina.*

  • Contraceptives cause women to compensate for their reduced attractiveness by painting themselves like harlots and wearing slutty immodest garments!

    Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

    Clearly, female sluttiness is a pheromonal phenomenon that came into existence when the FDA approved hormonal birth control pills in 1960. And as usual, poor confused men are the real victims of these harridans. Knowledge is power, ladies.

  • Contraceptives will literally kill you. The video intones that “It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception, because mortality is often attributed to another cause. Nowhere on the US Certificate of Death does it even mention the use of contraceptives.” You see! The doctors and the certificate-printers are all in on this!! But since it’s impossible to calculate, let’s just assume it’s tens of millions, probably, or maybe a billion or so.
  • “It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died,” because while the Pill is supposed to prevent ovulation, once in a while one of those suckers gets through and a fertilized egg (which is actually a “baby” — the video shows a photo of a fetus at about 12 weeks) fails to implant in the womb, so the “mother’s body rejects and aborts her baby without ever knowing she was with child.” This happens all the time, the video tells us, and is “the cause of death for 7 to 12 million babies in America each year.” They even have a citation, to a very authoritative-sounding 1994 publication titled “Infant Homicides Through Contraceptives,” which is probably really scientific. Oh, and of course, real scientists say nuh-uhh, doesn’t work that way, but you knew that already.
  • All those ladies on the Pill are peeing so much extra estrogen into the wastewater system that our tap water is brimming with estrogen, making us all hermaphrodites. There’s something in there about rivers full of hermaphrodite fish; we think they may be conflating Pill-pee with “environmental estrogens” — actual pollutants that have fuck-all to do with contraceptives.
  • There is no population crisis, and birth control will cause humanity to become extinct. “We’re contracepting ourselves out of existence.” This may be news to people in Calcutta.
  • The horror...the horror...

  • The “birth control mentality” makes humans think they, not God, have control over their lives. Talk about arrogant! This leads teens who have been taught about birth control to lose their virginity in high school. (Kid Zoom, 15, said of the accompanying graphic, “Wait, why would they show someone crying over that?” Apparently we have failed to instill in him the certainty that sex can only be tragic and horrible.)
  • Contraceptives lead to bestiality. As proof, the video cites the Bloodhound Gang’s 1999 song “Bad Touch”: “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals / So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” Somehow, this is very different from the video’s other suggestions that humans are just like apes, or elsewhere, its bizarre case against sterilization:

    “If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person.”

    Oh, they mention NAMBLA, too. Now there’s a surprise.

  • “Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”
  • And so, the take-away to this strange, strange video: “If someone you know is contracepting, tell them to stop. It will destroy them.”

    These nuns remind us a bit of our own Taliban-Catholic mother, who regularly consulted the Blessed Virgin on questions of daily life, including dilemmas involving home decorating (we only wish we were making that up). Their website opens with painfully bad flash animation that includes this strange bit of Christo-erotic text…

    “I thirst. I so ardently thirst to be loved by men in the Most Blessed Sacrament that this thirst devours Me…” –Jesus to Saint Margaret Mary

    …and includes a call for young women to join “The Modesty Revolution!” by covering up their slutty knees.

    Also, talk about your buried ledes: the Columbus Dispatch, which originally broke the story on this video, says in the final paragraph of its coverage that the The Children of Mary are located in Licking County, Ohio.

    *Wonkette hat tip to Kid Zoom for the “South Carolina” joke.

    [Joe. My. God.]

     

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 278 comments }

Chet Kincaid_ October 3, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Our Nuns are smarter than their Nuns.

DemmeFatale October 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"I am my sister's keeper. I am my brother's keeper."
Sister Simone Campbell

James Michael Curley October 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

We have Nuns?

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Yes. They're on a bus, motherfucker!

James Michael Curley October 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

NUNS! On a Bus!

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Yes, I was taught by nuns cooler than these Children of Mary forty years ago.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Maybe I should have used my alternative headline:

"Licking Nuns on The Pill"

HogeyeGrex October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Sounds more like a "How To" pamphlet that way.

kittensdontlie October 3, 2012 at 2:28 pm

And as these licking nuns know, woman on birth control just don't taste the same.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Must be pretty small nuns/

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Or, "Life is a sacred grift."

Barbara_ October 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

“Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”

Then why aren't more nuns pregnant?

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Because there aren't any left under menopause these days?

ChillBill October 3, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Because Priests aren't really into women.

iburl October 3, 2012 at 2:23 pm

too many gay priests?

KeepFnThatChicken October 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Jesus shoots blanks.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

He's coming and doesn't pull out.

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It's the second coming that gets 'em.

Pragmatist2 October 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Because they are underprivileged?

SpeedoFart October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Trying to keep their girlish figures?

Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm

47% of christians see themselves as privileged and i'll never convince them to take care and responsibility for their reproductive choices

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

NOW who's being naive?

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Contracepting?

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Yes. That is now a word. They made it one.

weejee October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

By the grace of doG.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It's a perfectly cromulent word.

delaney_blom October 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Several years in the future, following complete implementation of the Affordable Care Act (read: compulsory hormonal birth control for all women), a dutfiul Christian couple completes an act of attempted procreation while a lanky figure lurks in the shadows . . .

President Obama: Contracepted!

ThankYouJeebus October 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I refudiate your remark.

Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

nothing gets me hornier than knowing that my immodestly dressed self-degrading sex partner is committing infant homicide every time she contracepts

bobbert October 3, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Contracepting: The new normalcy.

JustPixelz October 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

And nuns make priests pedophiles. According to "studies".

Texan_Bulldog October 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

…"Women Who Use Contraceptives Make Men Gay"

So Ortho Novum makes men gay? That's an interesting side effect and is 100% true because Mr. Texan Bulldog is completely…oh wait.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Is this the same Ohio that had the big Romney rally in Portland?

Blueb4sinrise October 3, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Sorry Dok,
Wacky Ohio Nuns = FAP, so I didn't watch the vid, or read the text.
Maybe later.

edit: Also Dok's alternate headline above.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I'd rather by gay than be a dad again. Not at my age. Ladies, feel free.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I came for the fertile super models.
~

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

But you stayed for the sexy Jesus thirst!

HogeyeGrex October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

More than once, even.

ThankYouJeebus October 3, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Where the ovulatin' wimmen at?

docterry6973 October 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I only ever see supermodels on the Internet. Do the pheromones come through the Intertubes? Because the picture are very effective, especially when the supermodels are <redacted>.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm

So that is why I started sucking cock after my girlfriend went on the pill. Yes, that's the reason.

SmutBoffin October 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

And I joined a support group for men whose spouses are on the pill! It meets every week at a local bar with a neon rainbow and we all wear leather and hug each other a lot.

Jus_Wonderin October 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

NORM!!!

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I come for the handshakes!

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Bless you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

That sounds nice. My support group meets at a bath house in a local park at midnight.

Pragmatist2 October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

No. I think it was the increased flexibility you gained after starting Yoga.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I don't know, Dok. If I don't have 13 minutes to watch the video, what makes you think I have 13 minutes to read your synopsis?

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Studies have shown it only takes 9 minutes to read this article.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

It takes longer when you read it in the voice of Sterling Hayden/Jack T Ripper.

Lucidamente1 October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Or if you're fapping.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

Nuns wear wimples and habits, ergo nuns must be fertile and having sex, ergo nuns must be sluts, ergo old habits die hard.

DemmeFatale October 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I've seen a lot of confused guys in my time, but I don't think it was because of the lack of fertile women!

CommieLibunatic October 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

And fucking burkas. What do they even wear under those? Anything at all?* The mind runs wild at the possibilities!

*spoiler: T-shirt and jeans like the rest of us*

HarryButtle October 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Catholic girls. That's the way they go.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 6:34 pm

With their cute little mustaches..

Native_of_SL_UT October 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Pheromones she says? Might be the case for monkeys cause monkeys don't get a hard on at the sight of tits and ass.
I don't even have to be downwind from a woman before I want to bone her,

James Michael Curley October 3, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The bright red ass of the baboon is said to be very attractive to other baboons or so says Christian Grey.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I think you mean mandrills.

A more appropriately named ape I've never heard.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I agree, it's not like you can smell, or "sense" , streaming video.

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

When the Pharoah moans…

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Pharoah is one of those words like vinyl, that always looks misspelled, whether it actually is or not.

LizzyBorden1 October 3, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I'm the 8th child in a family of 10. My mom had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 47, a year after the youngest was born. My father continued to bone my mom with alarming regularity (old house, thin walls) even getting a prescription for Viagra after a quadruple by-pass in his 70's. so, yeah, it's all about fertility.

Callyson October 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Yeah, this is why the introduction of the birth control pill ended the sexual revolution.

Wait, what?

JustPixelz October 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractives…

Isn't that what beer is for?

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm

And tequila to make men attractive to women. Blessed be the alcohol.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Fuck! That's the mistake I made! I let Editrix drink beer and I had the tequila!

That explains why I woke up next to Joe, and she drove off in my Vette…

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Live and don't learn.

IncenseDebate October 3, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Infant homicide is when a baby kills someone, right?

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Yes. It used to be called "infanticide" but then people started showing up at Home Depot asking for large spray cans of the stuff.

IncenseDebate October 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Is this a common problem? I had not heard about it until now. Maybe an Ohio thing? Dangerous babies of Columbus.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Oh absolutely! Fucking rugrats always getting underfoot and breaking into my crack stash…

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

people started showing up at Home Depot Wal Mart

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

See also, Stewie v. Lois

emmelemm October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm
SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Like when Maggie shot Mr. Burns!

ThankYouJeebus October 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

So terrorist anchor babies are real?

YouBetcha October 3, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Someone should inform Mr. YouBetcha of this fact. I popped those pills religiously, and I could never talk him into some man-on-man action with our gay neighbor.

GregComlish October 3, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Greg Comlish likes to remind people that he's bisexual. This post is no exception

Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

then how do you explain my wife being on the pill and both of us wanting to get all contracepty, with other women, together?

GregComlish October 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Greg Comlish approves this message

proudgrampa October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Wacky Ohio Nuns.

I'll bet that's a real Pussy Riot.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I personally liked BH Gang's suggestion that we do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files.

mrpuma2u October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I am finding the visual image you inspired easy to fap to. Thanks.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Meh, David Duchovny doesn't do anything for me.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I know how to use a mop wringer!

Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Dan Savage just mentioned in today's post that men only like to do their girls doggy style because they are secretly gay.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid

Lucidamente1 October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

So if gay people take contraceptives, will that make them super gay?

YouBetcha October 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Double Bagging.

glasspusher October 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Only if they're not super already.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 3:06 pm

or is it like multiplying two negative numbers? do they switch back?

ThankYouJeebus October 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

My guess is Michele Bachmann has been over medicating for decades.

jodyleek October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Needs more Big Foot.

YasserArraFeck October 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

You know what they say about big feet…….

bobbert October 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Or, for Joe Biden, apparently a Big Foot and a Half.

memzilla October 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's… AVENGING UTERUS!

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I love my teens enough to force them to contracept but will kick their asses if they sexualate because education, respect, self- control, get-your-own-place.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:42 pm

If you're going to say "sexualate", it must be in the voice of Leon Phelps:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xlc2x0_saturday-

BornInATrailer October 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

<T-ball level hypocrisy challenge>
So of course their stance on vasectomies for married couples that already had children is….?
</T-ball level hypocrisy challenge>

bobbert October 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Have MOAR children, obvs.

ElPinche October 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Fuck Nuns.

KeepFnThatChicken October 3, 2012 at 2:23 pm

HAHAHAHA YOU CAN'T JESUS DONE TAPPED ALL THAT BRO

emmelemm October 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Nicely played.

ElPinche October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

touché

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

…and later join the church."

iburl October 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Watching a video from nuns about sex, would be like watching a top 10 BBQ joints in America video from PETA.

HogeyeGrex October 3, 2012 at 2:26 pm

A Lubavitcher's guide to perfect pork chops.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:02 pm

But it between a bagel?

YouBetcha October 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

This is the shit that annoyed me to no end about certain family members going through Pre Cana. I mean, come the fuck on. You want a guy who has never been married to counsel you for weeks on end about being married? STFU Catholics.

Callyson October 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

These nuns need a good talking to from the poverty tour nuns:

http://www.care2.com/causes/nuns-plan-poverty-tou

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm

These are John Paul II nuns who don't like those damn commie nuns.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

It'd be like Jets vs Sharks, but the dance routines wouldn't be quite so lively due to the constricting effects of the habits and wimples.

Native_of_SL_UT October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

How does anything this nun said explain the popularity of porn, unless of of course there is a secret Pheromone card between the video and sound cards on all computers.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Hustler has had scratch & sniff features for years.

Yellerdawg October 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Now that you mention it. <speed dialing patent attorney>

OneYieldRegular October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"…the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person…"

Right, as if you can get a $77,000 tax credit for sending just anybody to dance at the Olympics.

weejee October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

But what about condoms? Ooops, sorry I forgot. They're only to stretch and wear on your head like a stocking cap.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

So which is more insane, this or Akin's "They give abortions to women who aren't even pregnant!"?

Woodshedding October 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

OMG! OMG! OMG! I must have missed that one. Did he REALLY?

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

It's in today's first post, along with several other idiocies from Akin; enjoy it, it's surreal.

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I'm pretty sure he mistook what a D&C is with a pre-conception abortion, but hey, we knocked ourselves out over it. You enjoy the same!

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I dunno; I have found that the belief confirmation bias in people who are anti-contraception is off the charts. Well, except for the anti-abortion people but there is a lot of overlap. Did you know that we had an excess of murders in the last 30 years (well, actually homicide rates are down, but never mind) because of the legalization of abortion?

Chet Kincaid_ October 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Is "Confirmation Bias" the delusion that celibate priests and nuns can give credible advice on fertility, sexual relationships and family life?

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Please, don't go distorting their mythology with facts! But that's especially fun since some think the murder (and violent crime in general) rate may have gone down because of the legalization of abortion.

herecomedajudge October 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I'll take the blame for that one. Had the big "V" several years and kids ago……pretty sure I'm pollutin the water table with my unused testosterone when I pee. got to be related to murder and being poor and other stuff

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I'm pretty sure Akin uses his personality as contraception.

Blueb4sinrise October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Relevant,[ and will never make it out of W-Ville anyway.]

Swiss Cows Send Texts to Announce They’re in Heat
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/02/world/europe/de

Nostrildamus October 3, 2012 at 3:00 pm

UDDER PIX or GTFO!

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Blue, you have the best science posts.

Lucidamente1 October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I thought it was red M & M's make you horny.

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Totally green, dude.

eggsacklywright October 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I thought it was miso.

bureaucrap October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

So if a gay man uses a condom as a contraceptive, he grows ovaries? Or kills babies? Or emits pheremones that attract other men? I'm confused.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"*Wonkette hat tip to Kid Zoom for the “South Carolina” joke."

Which would have worked equally well in the bestiality paragraph, actually.

HogeyeGrex October 3, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I was going to say "I thought Neal Horsley was from Georgia."

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

And how perfect is it that his last name is HORSLEY?
I mean, you just can't make this stuff up.

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

“It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died,” Also impossible to tell? How many babies died because Jesus didn't make them sticky enough to attach to the mother's uterus.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Sometimes Jesus is busy in the red zone and on the foul line.

sbj1964 October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Nuns only get pregnant if you dress them up as Alter Boys.

memzilla October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So, the sisters at Our Lady Of Perpetual Misinformation are part of the Akinite Order?

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I thought they were from Our Lady of the Immaculate Deception.

IncenseDebate October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So the solution to the Church's problem is giving little boys contraception.

sharethegrief October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

First we make the penis 10% smaller and then we nuke it with birth control. We're taking over the fucking world, aren't we?

Estproph October 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

“It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception, because mortality is often attributed to another cause."

No! ALL deaths have been caused by space alien death rays! No one knows because they are invisible, so the scientist guys think it's due to heart attacks, being shot in the head, having a safe dropped on you, etc. But the aliens all time their death rays perfectly to hide the truth!

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:32 pm

"In other news, doctors announced that saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time."

–George Carlin

actor212 October 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception

….so let's make a number up!

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And also ignore the increase in life expectancy since the use of oral contraceptives became widespread. Because, science.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:47 pm

"so the scientist guys think it's due to heart attacks, being shot in the head, having a safe dropped on you, etc."

Well, to be strictly accurate, the only doctors who think it's due to having a safe dropped on you work for Acme Medical Company.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

“Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”

Absolutely, because if you have ten or twelve kids, hopefully at least six of them will live long enough to be free labor on your family farm, because we live in the year 1850, right?

DemmeFatale October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

How would they know, anyway?

oenspiek October 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Sorry, my darlings, it's medical experimentation for the lot of you!

Schmannnity October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Condom.

Callyson October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Also–I made it to 1:01 before I had to stop the video before my howls of laughter literally started to choke me. Off to apologize to my neighbors for the noise, BBL…

no_gravity October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Was Todd Akin the science adviser on this video?

FlownOver October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"These nuns remind us a bit of our own Taliban-Catholic mother, who regularly consulted the Blessed Virgin on questions of daily life…"

The Blessed Virgin's responses commonly included "Concentrate and ask again" and "Signs point to yes."

KeepFnThatChicken October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

The Truth, as posted by women who are married to a 2,000 year old dead invisible man: It's okay to have three female partners.

Woodshedding October 3, 2012 at 2:40 pm

These are the "Children of Mary." Which explains the recessive traits of these people.

BTW, here's a fun article about a sister and brother making it http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2057081/E

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action

And it's only Wednesday!

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I love reading conservative Islamic websites! Wait, what? You sure?

Woodshedding October 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

“Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.” Doesn't that make it an entitlement?

BTW Wonkette, this is absolutely some of your FINEST work, and that's say a whole helluva lot. Thank you; I needed this. Badly.

calliecallie October 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

These nuns are just jealous 'cause they ain't getting nun. Nun yesterday, nun today, and it don't look like nun tomorrow.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 2:40 pm

What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays? Nun.

Boojum October 3, 2012 at 2:23 pm

We will have nun of this.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"50% will lose their virginity in high school" – So I guess the nuns' real goal is to make those of us who didn't lose it until later feel super-depressed all over again. Assholes.

Oh and that's why someone would be crying over that; because they're part of the unlucky other 50%.

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Some of us waiting due to education, respect, self-control and got my own place

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Your kids, amirite?

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Well, I mean, that's the beauty of spending time catching up for what you missed in high school (nothing; seriously, teenage sex is so terrible).

James Michael Curley October 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Asking ancient nuns about sexuality is a great plan for those who have a thing for steel edged rulers.

The_Bobs October 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

According to their own beliefs, these nuns must be the sexiest women on the planet.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I get full wood whenever I see a woman in a wimple. I particularly like the one in the second picture.

Blueb4sinrise October 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"A nun waiving her wimple."

Saved for future-fap.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Not a bad rack for the late 18th century, huh?

Blueb4sinrise October 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

There's an M.A. thesis in this. I may apply for a oldz student loan.

Gleem McShineys October 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Were w's used differently back in the oldene dayf?

Cause that's definitely a nimple.

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm

It was easier to say than breafteffef.

Nibbler of Niblonia October 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I liked the part where the voiceover has a lot of reverb

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm

That's the part where the Lord is speaking THRU them.

GregComlish October 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The most pressing public health issue is preserving the sex appeal of fertile teenage women

BloviateMe October 3, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Maybe I'm crazy, but I love this wackadoo shit. I would personally suck Gilbert Godfried's dick to have him narrate a documentary for these ladies. Of course, since Mrs. Blov is on contraceptives, I'm evidently way flaming, so it shouldn't be a task to slob his knob….but still…

Pithaughn October 3, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Oh, my nominee for best Gilbert snippet ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVL_reIuJM

tessiee October 3, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I also like the one where Gilbert is the voice of Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant paper clip:
http://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topi

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Nun's the word . . . about contraceptives?

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

"The “birth control mentality” makes humans think they, not God, have control over their lives."

Wait, how is this a problem? I think people realizing that we have control over our lives instead of attributing it to an imaginary magic man is, you know, a good thing.

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I plan to work this idea into every study I conduct. If my hypothesis isn't confirmed, it's because God interfered.

Mittaplasia October 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Just another contradiction from the personal responsibility fetus-worshipping crowd.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

HERETIC!

BloviateMe October 3, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Hey, that's sort of an organic meme to this whole story: the difference between a good thing and a god thing is a big O.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 3, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.

I've used that as a pickup line. It doesn't work as well with Catholic girls as you would think.

SmutBoffin October 3, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Like these nuns, I also do scientific research on immodest women. More of a hobby, really, than research, but whatever.

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I get laid less now that I am eight months pregnant*. Should I have an abortion to rectify this?

*This bothers me, but I can see where my massive gut might not turn on the Mister so much.

Nostrildamus October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Have two. It's the only way to be sure.

PsycWench October 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I don't remember getting laid in the eighth month to be all that fun. Stockpile those pheromones because you're gonna need them in three months.

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

It's weird. I think the increased blood flow to my nether regions has confused my body and brain. My brain says “YES I AM SO SEXY LET'S DO THIS” and my body says “I am an Orca whale; let's get beached.”

ThundercatHo October 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

When you are ripe just remember that the prostaglandins in semen help to soften the cervix and orgasm may help to bring on uterine contractions. So, when the time is right, get the mister a magazine or whatever works and tell him to get busy. Doggie style obvs works best.

Woodshedding October 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Catholics are so dumb. All they have to do is give boys the Pill, and all this NAMBLA stuff will stop.

BTW, Priests are automatic members, right? Oh, THAT's what all this is about!!! The priest-monsters, it's not their fault. all the women on contraceptives make them do it. .

HogeyeGrex October 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

So, What the fuck about barrier-method birth control? Do rubbers make you gay too? Does inserting a diaphragm magically turn all your clothing into thigh-high fishnets and fuck-me-pumps?

All we can be sure of is that it's bad-bad-bad-bad-bad.

feh

LibrarianX October 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Pheromones? Gay men are gay because – hot guys.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad."

–Steven Wright

sudsmckenzie October 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I only trust Nun's stepping out of a bus.

FNMA October 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm

It's true. Contraceptives cause death. Almost caused my death on more than one occasion. But other than being a little sore in the morning, I got better.

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Pics or it didn't happen. Plus, fap.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Hey, I guarantee you everyone who uses contraception will, some day, die. Refudiate that!

mavenmaven October 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Those nun outfits are pretty hot, were they developed as a result of contraceptive agents?

pdiddycornchips October 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Nuns are now world renowned scientists and experts on sexuality? I hate to break it to you Sister but the men you come into contact with are gay for a completely different reason. Why else would they call their hangout the "rectory"?

Exhausted66 October 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Strange because it was pushing out 3 ten pound boys that made Mrs. Exhausted less attractive.

/ducks

DemmeFatale October 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm

You'd better duck, mister!

ThundercatHo October 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

You have a valid passport, right?

TavariousChinaSmith October 3, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Nuns don't queer people. Pill-pills queer people.

glasspusher October 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Men who use contraception make women gay? That could pretty much describe my dating experience in my early 20s, although my personality may have had something to do with it as well. Wasn't a charmer with the laydeez, yet…

smashedinhat October 3, 2012 at 2:37 pm

"Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractives… "
Women smell like Lobster bisque and a nice Chardonnay?

ThundercatHo October 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Hey, Summer's Eve, here's an idea for a new douche flavor.

pdiddycornchips October 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I gotta hand it to you ladies. Your vaginas have more super powers than the Justice League.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Vagengers Assemble!!!

Jerri October 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

That's why I started to call mine The Wondercunt™

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I think there's a porno about that.

Chet Kincaid_ October 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The only grain of truth I will say there is in this is that I do happen to find newly-pregnant-but-not-belly-round women rather attractive. I think this has to do with budding voluptuousness, not any pheromone pseudo-science.

Maman October 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Also known as boobs?

Chet Kincaid_ October 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Well OK, but face and lips, also!

DemmeFatale October 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Mr. Fatale used to say: "Looks like the titty fairy has arrived!'

Maman October 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Hmmm. I was already there, boobswise. The Mr. could tell by taste.

pdiddycornchips October 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You're obviously not getting enough estrogen. Drink six quarts a day and you'll be pinning for Ricky Martin in no time.

VaWyo October 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

The nuns talk about the pill and other forms birth control. So I'm a bit confused. Am I contracepting? I had my tubes tied to avoid becoming "privileged".

Ladies, be ready to hear the excuse that science and biology made your husband sleep with young fertile women and/or men.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

No, you are now a Ruined Racehorse.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Them mens don't need no stinkin excuses. The wimmin drive them away by not acting happy enough when they walk in the door. (Happy = dressed in Saran Wrap.)

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I like the nuns in my state better, who get investigated by the Vatican for being too feminist and for helping sex traffic victims and also for not hating the gays.

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Those are my favorite kind of nuns.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Those are the nuns I call "sisters."

MistaEko October 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

50% of Americans will lose their virginity in high school because they think they are entitled to the privilege of pregnancies. Blastocysts, fetuses, gestation, you name it. And they will not sleep with me no matter what.

pdiddycornchips October 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Jerry Sandusky has new grounds for appeal!! Too soon?

Esteev October 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

These nuns sure sound prude, but I'd still have sects with them.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

This just proves what I've been telling you people all along. The only safe sex is gay sex! I have yet to get get any of my lady friends preggers and no contraception required.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

But wait, how did you turn them gay without contraception?

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Wait . . . Great, now I'm confused.

SayItWithWookies October 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

That's what I love about religion — any time there's a gap in our supply of ignorance and fear, they rush in to fill it. Ever vigilant, those motherfuckers.

SpeedoFart October 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

"It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died"

Yeah, because NO ONE has EVER gotten preggers while on the Pill.

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Also, miscarriages have never happened to women who are NOT on the Pill.

SorosBot October 3, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Actually, it's very easy to calculate: 0. No babies dead of contraception, idiots.

bureaucrap October 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I thought the nuns were the ones driving around the country encouraging people to think about poverty and injustice, while the menfolk-priests stayed back at their parishes to manufacture and distribute teh cray-cray… But clearly, taking a hint from Todd Akin, they decided that the womenfolk can manufacture and distribute the cray-cray for half the price…

anniegetyerfun October 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Apparently there are enough different orders to accommodate hateful women who want to be nuns, too.

bureaucrap October 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I should be very interested to hear the nuns' explanation about how condoms affect female physiology. I could use a good laugh.

ManchuCandidate October 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Who is going to take advice about sex from virgins?

BoatOfVelociraptors October 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I can see the scene. It's after the big game and a cheerleader takes you under the bleachers to let you inspect her pompoms. You get close, take a whiff and say "Something doesn't smell right. Anybody got a dick I can suck around here?"

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

… and the rest of the team all say "Yup", except for the linebackers, whose mouths are already full.

cousinitt October 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Whatever are they teaching in nunneries these days? Lordy. These nuns could just ask their priests what happens to men deprived of sexytime odors.

deanbooth October 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Infinite value in god's eyes ain't as good as 111p in Wonkette's eyes.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Guess ol' Sorosbot and MittBorg already have their tickets to paradise punched.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Wait a sec. If they are the Children of Mary, and all nuns are married to Jesus, and Mary was the mother of Jesus, doesn't that mean they are married to their brother? They shouldn't be from Ohio, they should be from Arkansas.

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Read your comment aloud, and Kid Zoom said "Or South Carolina."

That's gonna be his answer to everything now. Who won the debate? SOUTH CAROLINA

Nostrildamus October 3, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Re the B/W graphic: losing your virginity ≠ getting a facial

Gorillionaire October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So this is what the Catholic Church spends its money on, huh. I gotta get in on this racket. I could produce a video a hundred times better than this for, oh, probably less than ten million skiddillion dollars.

barto October 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

On the other hand, if you have a not so valuable horse, pump it full of hormones and steroids, give it a spit shine and sell it at an overinflated price to the first sucker that comes along. Don't forget to hide your profit in some tax dodge.

Nesnora October 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Don't let them fool you, this is just a teaser for their new product line: The Vibrating Chastity Belt.

YasserArraFeck October 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Worse than all that – the contracepshun will make your boyfriend ejaculate into your eye!!!!. Ew!!

kingcocrazy October 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

As someone whose most recent long-term relationships were with Catholic women, both of whom had their minds and sexuality completed fucked up by strict Catholic upbringings, I'd like to invite these nuns to take a flying leap.

ThundercatHo October 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Nuns: Those who can't, teach.

cousinitt October 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

OK, let me see if I understand. They say 99% of the wimmenz are contracepting. Males need pheromones to engage in reproduction. Female monkeys do not use contraceptives. Female monkeys emit pheromones. Therefore, guys should hook up with…

"Hey babe, why yes, as a matter of fact it IS a banana. Wanna swing?"

Nostrildamus October 3, 2012 at 6:37 pm
emmelemm October 3, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Never gets old.

docterry6973 October 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Mrs. Docterry used hormonal birth control for years until I cut the cord, if you get my drift. Probably in the nick of time, because I not entirely gay yet.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

My brother advocates having the cord cut in April so the victim has an excuse to stay home from work and watch The Masters golf tournament on TV. Or if you can't wait that long, think World Series.

sullivanst October 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Contraceptives lead to bestiality.

Retroactively, in the case of 17th century pigfucking.

Sassomatic October 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

So abstinence-only education is good, because it creates a privileged class of ankle-length-skirt-wearing pregnant girls, yes? And also because all the boys will be particularly horny and thinking non-stop about putting their penises into the modest-yet-pheromone-squirting young girls. Sure.

Schmegeg October 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

"Lesbo Nuns of Licking County" now available at your discreet video store.

bonghitforjesus October 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Really confused- WTF do Catholic nuns know about:
1. Sex
2. Birth control?

bonghitforjesus October 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Sounds like a cue for my favorite joke- How do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her!

VespulaMaculata October 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

In a world where Bristol Palin can get paid to lecture on abstinence, this is only fair.

Biff October 3, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Isn't abstinence also contraceptive? Truth be told, there's damned few nuns I've ever been attracted to, so point taken, maybe?

izationalizer October 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

One implication of this compelling video is that deodorant and body soap are primary contributors to the continued gay-ification of America.

In an actual, peer-reviewed study (Warren Hays' "Human pheromones: have they been demonstrated?"), it is noted that it's notoriously difficult to even study human pheromones, because modern humans tend to keep their pheromones (read: armpit and crotch B.O.) washed off. He even goes as far to say that the very existence of human pheromones is inconclusive.

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's" homosexual agenda strategy is now clear: Teach men how to use nice-smelling body products… and soon, all the women will be lesbians!

LibertyLover October 3, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I'm sure someone has mentioned it, but what have nuns done lately to further the human race? By their logic, the reason that all of those pedophile priests did what they did was because nuns didn't put out.

bytehead October 3, 2012 at 5:53 pm

It's the hicks of Central Ohio. I'm well aware of the hicks, I grew up and graduated from the area.

jgalleg4 October 3, 2012 at 6:07 pm

"Vladimir Poutine"? Yum! He sounds like a tasty president!

ttommyunger October 3, 2012 at 11:38 pm

…"Women Who Use Contraceptives Make Men Gay" Hmmmm. I'm still willing to risk it.

CthuNHu October 4, 2012 at 1:45 am

“men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models.”

Possibly because the average fertile woman does not resemble a pair of wax lips stuck on a praying mantis.

BrendanIM October 4, 2012 at 4:50 am

I haven't commented in years (though I've been as faithful a reader as these Brides of Christ are Papist) but I'm from Licking County, but I can't bite my tongue on this one. Newark, Ohio (born but not raised, thank fuck), the headquarters for the Children of Mary and county seat for Licking County (NOT FUNNY, it was named for the vital salt licks in the area, you guys) is not some haven for fundamentalist agents of Rome; it is the primary source of domestically-produced meth for the Greater Columbus metropolitan area and surrounding counties. Also, John Holmes was from here.

AuroraErratic October 4, 2012 at 6:54 pm

“Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.” – say the celibate nuns.
D'oh.

GoofyMcDork November 5, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Where is the tunnel that the audio in this video was recorded? It sounds like it might be in Ann Coulters va-jay-jay.

GoofyMcDork November 5, 2012 at 7:08 pm

So does this mean if I take the pill I have 0% chance of being raped because I have no pheromones….sign me up!!

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