Renegade Nuns On Wheels

Wacky Ohio Nuns’ Video Says Women Who Use Contraceptives Make Men Gay

The “Children of Mary,” a group of nuns in Ohio, has released a video that is a kind of one-stop shopping trip for insane ideas about birth control. If you can’t bring yourself to waste 13 minutes of your life watching it (and we do not blame you at all if you decide to skip it), here are the main points:

  • Contraception makes men gay. Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractive, the Pill makes a lady’s body think it’s pregnant, so no more pheromones! This is all proven by “studies.” Including one on monkeys, where an alpha male stopped sexing lady monkeys when they were given a contraceptive. We do not know what kind of monkeys they were; the video shows chimps, which are not monkeys at all. But this is all very scientific so far.

    Also, “studies have shown” that because of all those pheromones, “men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models.” (Does the video say anything about fertile super models? It does not! We bet they are SUPER-sexy!) Even granting the video’s loopy premise that men are less attracted to non-fertile women (which we do not), there is maybe a difference between “less attracted” and “not attracted at all” — presumably people use these contraceptive thingies for some purpose having to do with sex? We suspect that this whole question of pheromonal attractiveness may be immaterial, since studies have also shown that men will happily put their peens into many things that are not ladies at all, as proven by Emergency Room records. And by South Carolina.*

  • Contraceptives cause women to compensate for their reduced attractiveness by painting themselves like harlots and wearing slutty immodest garments!

    Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

    Clearly, female sluttiness is a pheromonal phenomenon that came into existence when the FDA approved hormonal birth control pills in 1960. And as usual, poor confused men are the real victims of these harridans. Knowledge is power, ladies.

  • Contraceptives will literally kill you. The video intones that “It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception, because mortality is often attributed to another cause. Nowhere on the US Certificate of Death does it even mention the use of contraceptives.” You see! The doctors and the certificate-printers are all in on this!! But since it’s impossible to calculate, let’s just assume it’s tens of millions, probably, or maybe a billion or so.
  • “It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died,” because while the Pill is supposed to prevent ovulation, once in a while one of those suckers gets through and a fertilized egg (which is actually a “baby” — the video shows a photo of a fetus at about 12 weeks) fails to implant in the womb, so the “mother’s body rejects and aborts her baby without ever knowing she was with child.” This happens all the time, the video tells us, and is “the cause of death for 7 to 12 million babies in America each year.” They even have a citation, to a very authoritative-sounding 1994 publication titled “Infant Homicides Through Contraceptives,” which is probably really scientific. Oh, and of course, real scientists say nuh-uhh, doesn’t work that way, but you knew that already.
  • All those ladies on the Pill are peeing so much extra estrogen into the wastewater system that our tap water is brimming with estrogen, making us all hermaphrodites. There’s something in there about rivers full of hermaphrodite fish; we think they may be conflating Pill-pee with “environmental estrogens” — actual pollutants that have fuck-all to do with contraceptives.
  • There is no population crisis, and birth control will cause humanity to become extinct. “We’re contracepting ourselves out of existence.” This may be news to people in Calcutta.
  • The horror...the horror...

  • The “birth control mentality” makes humans think they, not God, have control over their lives. Talk about arrogant! This leads teens who have been taught about birth control to lose their virginity in high school. (Kid Zoom, 15, said of the accompanying graphic, “Wait, why would they show someone crying over that?” Apparently we have failed to instill in him the certainty that sex can only be tragic and horrible.)
  • Contraceptives lead to bestiality. As proof, the video cites the Bloodhound Gang’s 1999 song “Bad Touch”: “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals / So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” Somehow, this is very different from the video’s other suggestions that humans are just like apes, or elsewhere, its bizarre case against sterilization:

    “If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person.”

    Oh, they mention NAMBLA, too. Now there’s a surprise.

  • “Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”
  • And so, the take-away to this strange, strange video: “If someone you know is contracepting, tell them to stop. It will destroy them.”

    These nuns remind us a bit of our own Taliban-Catholic mother, who regularly consulted the Blessed Virgin on questions of daily life, including dilemmas involving home decorating (we only wish we were making that up). Their website opens with painfully bad flash animation that includes this strange bit of Christo-erotic text…

    “I thirst. I so ardently thirst to be loved by men in the Most Blessed Sacrament that this thirst devours Me…” –Jesus to Saint Margaret Mary

    …and includes a call for young women to join “The Modesty Revolution!” by covering up their slutty knees.

    Also, talk about your buried ledes: the Columbus Dispatch, which originally broke the story on this video, says in the final paragraph of its coverage that the The Children of Mary are located in Licking County, Ohio.

    *Wonkette hat tip to Kid Zoom for the “South Carolina” joke.

    [Joe. My. God.]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      47% of christians see themselves as privileged and i'll never convince them to take care and responsibility for their reproductive choices

      1. delaney_blom

        Several years in the future, following complete implementation of the Affordable Care Act (read: compulsory hormonal birth control for all women), a dutfiul Christian couple completes an act of attempted procreation while a lanky figure lurks in the shadows . . .

        President Obama: Contracepted!

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      nothing gets me hornier than knowing that my immodestly dressed self-degrading sex partner is committing infant homicide every time she contracepts

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    …"Women Who Use Contraceptives Make Men Gay"

    So Ortho Novum makes men gay? That's an interesting side effect and is 100% true because Mr. Texan Bulldog is completely…oh wait.

  2. Blueb4sinrise

    Sorry Dok,
    Wacky Ohio Nuns = FAP, so I didn't watch the vid, or read the text.
    Maybe later.

    edit: Also Dok's alternate headline above.

    1. docterry6973

      I only ever see supermodels on the Internet. Do the pheromones come through the Intertubes? Because the picture are very effective, especially when the supermodels are <redacted>.

    1. SmutBoffin

      And I joined a support group for men whose spouses are on the pill! It meets every week at a local bar with a neon rainbow and we all wear leather and hug each other a lot.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't know, Dok. If I don't have 13 minutes to watch the video, what makes you think I have 13 minutes to read your synopsis?

  4. actor212

    Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

    Nuns wear wimples and habits, ergo nuns must be fertile and having sex, ergo nuns must be sluts, ergo old habits die hard.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      And fucking burkas. What do they even wear under those? Anything at all?* The mind runs wild at the possibilities!

      *spoiler: T-shirt and jeans like the rest of us*

  5. Native_of_SL_UT

    Pheromones she says? Might be the case for monkeys cause monkeys don't get a hard on at the sight of tits and ass.
    I don't even have to be downwind from a woman before I want to bone her,

    1. James Michael Curley

      The bright red ass of the baboon is said to be very attractive to other baboons or so says Christian Grey.

      1. tessiee

        Pharoah is one of those words like vinyl, that always looks misspelled, whether it actually is or not.

    2. LizzyBorden1

      I'm the 8th child in a family of 10. My mom had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 47, a year after the youngest was born. My father continued to bone my mom with alarming regularity (old house, thin walls) even getting a prescription for Viagra after a quadruple by-pass in his 70's. so, yeah, it's all about fertility.

  6. Callyson

    Yeah, this is why the introduction of the birth control pill ended the sexual revolution.

    Wait, what?

  7. JustPixelz

    Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractives…

    Isn't that what beer is for?

      1. actor212

        Fuck! That's the mistake I made! I let Editrix drink beer and I had the tequila!

        That explains why I woke up next to Joe, and she drove off in my Vette…

      1. IncenseDebate

        Is this a common problem? I had not heard about it until now. Maybe an Ohio thing? Dangerous babies of Columbus.

  8. YouBetcha

    Someone should inform Mr. YouBetcha of this fact. I popped those pills religiously, and I could never talk him into some man-on-man action with our gay neighbor.

    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      then how do you explain my wife being on the pill and both of us wanting to get all contracepty, with other women, together?

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I personally liked BH Gang's suggestion that we do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files.

  10. Maman

    I love my teens enough to force them to contracept but will kick their asses if they sexualate because education, respect, self- control, get-your-own-place.

  11. BornInATrailer

    <T-ball level hypocrisy challenge>
    So of course their stance on vasectomies for married couples that already had children is….?
    </T-ball level hypocrisy challenge>

    1. YouBetcha

      This is the shit that annoyed me to no end about certain family members going through Pre Cana. I mean, come the fuck on. You want a guy who has never been married to counsel you for weeks on end about being married? STFU Catholics.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It'd be like Jets vs Sharks, but the dance routines wouldn't be quite so lively due to the constricting effects of the habits and wimples.

  12. Native_of_SL_UT

    How does anything this nun said explain the popularity of porn, unless of of course there is a secret Pheromone card between the video and sound cards on all computers.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    "…the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person…"

    Right, as if you can get a $77,000 tax credit for sending just anybody to dance at the Olympics.

  14. SorosBot

    So which is more insane, this or Akin's "They give abortions to women who aren't even pregnant!"?

      1. SorosBot

        It's in today's first post, along with several other idiocies from Akin; enjoy it, it's surreal.

      2. actor212

        I'm pretty sure he mistook what a D&C is with a pre-conception abortion, but hey, we knocked ourselves out over it. You enjoy the same!

    1. PsycWench

      I dunno; I have found that the belief confirmation bias in people who are anti-contraception is off the charts. Well, except for the anti-abortion people but there is a lot of overlap. Did you know that we had an excess of murders in the last 30 years (well, actually homicide rates are down, but never mind) because of the legalization of abortion?

      1. SorosBot

        Please, don't go distorting their mythology with facts! But that's especially fun since some think the murder (and violent crime in general) rate may have gone down because of the legalization of abortion.

      2. herecomedajudge

        I'll take the blame for that one. Had the big "V" several years and kids ago……pretty sure I'm pollutin the water table with my unused testosterone when I pee. got to be related to murder and being poor and other stuff

  15. bureaucrap

    So if a gay man uses a condom as a contraceptive, he grows ovaries? Or kills babies? Or emits pheremones that attract other men? I'm confused.

  16. tessiee

    "*Wonkette hat tip to Kid Zoom for the “South Carolina” joke."

    Which would have worked equally well in the bestiality paragraph, actually.

      1. tessiee

        And how perfect is it that his last name is HORSLEY?
        I mean, you just can't make this stuff up.

  17. Maman

    “It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died,” Also impossible to tell? How many babies died because Jesus didn't make them sticky enough to attach to the mother's uterus.

  18. sharethegrief

    First we make the penis 10% smaller and then we nuke it with birth control. We're taking over the fucking world, aren't we?

  19. Estproph

    “It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception, because mortality is often attributed to another cause."

    No! ALL deaths have been caused by space alien death rays! No one knows because they are invisible, so the scientist guys think it's due to heart attacks, being shot in the head, having a safe dropped on you, etc. But the aliens all time their death rays perfectly to hide the truth!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      "In other news, doctors announced that saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time."

      –George Carlin

      1. sullivanst

        And also ignore the increase in life expectancy since the use of oral contraceptives became widespread. Because, science.

    2. tessiee

      "so the scientist guys think it's due to heart attacks, being shot in the head, having a safe dropped on you, etc."

      Well, to be strictly accurate, the only doctors who think it's due to having a safe dropped on you work for Acme Medical Company.

  20. tessiee

    “Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”

    Absolutely, because if you have ten or twelve kids, hopefully at least six of them will live long enough to be free labor on your family farm, because we live in the year 1850, right?

  21. Callyson

    Also–I made it to 1:01 before I had to stop the video before my howls of laughter literally started to choke me. Off to apologize to my neighbors for the noise, BBL…

  22. FlownOver

    "These nuns remind us a bit of our own Taliban-Catholic mother, who regularly consulted the Blessed Virgin on questions of daily life…"

    The Blessed Virgin's responses commonly included "Concentrate and ask again" and "Signs point to yes."

  23. KeepFnThatChicken

    The Truth, as posted by women who are married to a 2,000 year old dead invisible man: It's okay to have three female partners.

  24. Esteev

    Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action

    And it's only Wednesday!

  25. Woodshedding

    “Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.” Doesn't that make it an entitlement?

    BTW Wonkette, this is absolutely some of your FINEST work, and that's say a whole helluva lot. Thank you; I needed this. Badly.

  26. calliecallie

    These nuns are just jealous 'cause they ain't getting nun. Nun yesterday, nun today, and it don't look like nun tomorrow.

  27. SorosBot

    "50% will lose their virginity in high school" – So I guess the nuns' real goal is to make those of us who didn't lose it until later feel super-depressed all over again. Assholes.

    Oh and that's why someone would be crying over that; because they're part of the unlucky other 50%.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Well, I mean, that's the beauty of spending time catching up for what you missed in high school (nothing; seriously, teenage sex is so terrible).

  28. James Michael Curley

    Asking ancient nuns about sexuality is a great plan for those who have a thing for steel edged rulers.

  29. GregComlish

    The most pressing public health issue is preserving the sex appeal of fertile teenage women

  30. BloviateMe

    Maybe I'm crazy, but I love this wackadoo shit. I would personally suck Gilbert Godfried's dick to have him narrate a documentary for these ladies. Of course, since Mrs. Blov is on contraceptives, I'm evidently way flaming, so it shouldn't be a task to slob his knob….but still…

  31. SorosBot

    "The “birth control mentality” makes humans think they, not God, have control over their lives."

    Wait, how is this a problem? I think people realizing that we have control over our lives instead of attributing it to an imaginary magic man is, you know, a good thing.

    1. PsycWench

      I plan to work this idea into every study I conduct. If my hypothesis isn't confirmed, it's because God interfered.

    2. BloviateMe

      Hey, that's sort of an organic meme to this whole story: the difference between a good thing and a god thing is a big O.

  32. SmutBoffin

    Like these nuns, I also do scientific research on immodest women. More of a hobby, really, than research, but whatever.

  33. anniegetyerfun

    I get laid less now that I am eight months pregnant*. Should I have an abortion to rectify this?

    *This bothers me, but I can see where my massive gut might not turn on the Mister so much.

    1. PsycWench

      I don't remember getting laid in the eighth month to be all that fun. Stockpile those pheromones because you're gonna need them in three months.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        It's weird. I think the increased blood flow to my nether regions has confused my body and brain. My brain says “YES I AM SO SEXY LET'S DO THIS” and my body says “I am an Orca whale; let's get beached.”

        1. ThundercatHo

          When you are ripe just remember that the prostaglandins in semen help to soften the cervix and orgasm may help to bring on uterine contractions. So, when the time is right, get the mister a magazine or whatever works and tell him to get busy. Doggie style obvs works best.

  34. Woodshedding

    Catholics are so dumb. All they have to do is give boys the Pill, and all this NAMBLA stuff will stop.

    BTW, Priests are automatic members, right? Oh, THAT's what all this is about!!! The priest-monsters, it's not their fault. all the women on contraceptives make them do it. .

  35. HogeyeGrex

    So, What the fuck about barrier-method birth control? Do rubbers make you gay too? Does inserting a diaphragm magically turn all your clothing into thigh-high fishnets and fuck-me-pumps?

    All we can be sure of is that it's bad-bad-bad-bad-bad.


  36. Doktor Zoom

    "I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad."

    –Steven Wright

  37. FNMA

    It's true. Contraceptives cause death. Almost caused my death on more than one occasion. But other than being a little sore in the morning, I got better.

  38. pdiddycornchips

    Nuns are now world renowned scientists and experts on sexuality? I hate to break it to you Sister but the men you come into contact with are gay for a completely different reason. Why else would they call their hangout the "rectory"?

  39. Exhausted66

    Strange because it was pushing out 3 ten pound boys that made Mrs. Exhausted less attractive.


  40. glasspusher

    Men who use contraception make women gay? That could pretty much describe my dating experience in my early 20s, although my personality may have had something to do with it as well. Wasn't a charmer with the laydeez, yet…

  41. smashedinhat

    "Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractives… "
    Women smell like Lobster bisque and a nice Chardonnay?

  42. pdiddycornchips

    I gotta hand it to you ladies. Your vaginas have more super powers than the Justice League.

  43. Chet Kincaid_

    The only grain of truth I will say there is in this is that I do happen to find newly-pregnant-but-not-belly-round women rather attractive. I think this has to do with budding voluptuousness, not any pheromone pseudo-science.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      You're obviously not getting enough estrogen. Drink six quarts a day and you'll be pinning for Ricky Martin in no time.

  44. VaWyo

    The nuns talk about the pill and other forms birth control. So I'm a bit confused. Am I contracepting? I had my tubes tied to avoid becoming "privileged".

    Ladies, be ready to hear the excuse that science and biology made your husband sleep with young fertile women and/or men.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Them mens don't need no stinkin excuses. The wimmin drive them away by not acting happy enough when they walk in the door. (Happy = dressed in Saran Wrap.)

  45. anniegetyerfun

    I like the nuns in my state better, who get investigated by the Vatican for being too feminist and for helping sex traffic victims and also for not hating the gays.

  46. MistaEko

    50% of Americans will lose their virginity in high school because they think they are entitled to the privilege of pregnancies. Blastocysts, fetuses, gestation, you name it. And they will not sleep with me no matter what.

  47. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This just proves what I've been telling you people all along. The only safe sex is gay sex! I have yet to get get any of my lady friends preggers and no contraception required.

  48. SpeedoFart

    "It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died"

    Yeah, because NO ONE has EVER gotten preggers while on the Pill.

  49. bureaucrap

    I thought the nuns were the ones driving around the country encouraging people to think about poverty and injustice, while the menfolk-priests stayed back at their parishes to manufacture and distribute teh cray-cray… But clearly, taking a hint from Todd Akin, they decided that the womenfolk can manufacture and distribute the cray-cray for half the price…

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Apparently there are enough different orders to accommodate hateful women who want to be nuns, too.

  50. bureaucrap

    I should be very interested to hear the nuns' explanation about how condoms affect female physiology. I could use a good laugh.

  51. BoatOfVelociraptors

    I can see the scene. It's after the big game and a cheerleader takes you under the bleachers to let you inspect her pompoms. You get close, take a whiff and say "Something doesn't smell right. Anybody got a dick I can suck around here?"

    1. sullivanst

      … and the rest of the team all say "Yup", except for the linebackers, whose mouths are already full.

  52. cousinitt

    Whatever are they teaching in nunneries these days? Lordy. These nuns could just ask their priests what happens to men deprived of sexytime odors.

  53. BaldarTFlagass

    Wait a sec. If they are the Children of Mary, and all nuns are married to Jesus, and Mary was the mother of Jesus, doesn't that mean they are married to their brother? They shouldn't be from Ohio, they should be from Arkansas.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Read your comment aloud, and Kid Zoom said "Or South Carolina."

      That's gonna be his answer to everything now. Who won the debate? SOUTH CAROLINA

  54. Gorillionaire

    So this is what the Catholic Church spends its money on, huh. I gotta get in on this racket. I could produce a video a hundred times better than this for, oh, probably less than ten million skiddillion dollars.

  55. barto

    On the other hand, if you have a not so valuable horse, pump it full of hormones and steroids, give it a spit shine and sell it at an overinflated price to the first sucker that comes along. Don't forget to hide your profit in some tax dodge.

  56. Nesnora

    Don't let them fool you, this is just a teaser for their new product line: The Vibrating Chastity Belt.

  57. YasserArraFeck

    Worse than all that – the contracepshun will make your boyfriend ejaculate into your eye!!!!. Ew!!

  58. kingcocrazy

    As someone whose most recent long-term relationships were with Catholic women, both of whom had their minds and sexuality completed fucked up by strict Catholic upbringings, I'd like to invite these nuns to take a flying leap.

  59. cousinitt

    OK, let me see if I understand. They say 99% of the wimmenz are contracepting. Males need pheromones to engage in reproduction. Female monkeys do not use contraceptives. Female monkeys emit pheromones. Therefore, guys should hook up with…

    "Hey babe, why yes, as a matter of fact it IS a banana. Wanna swing?"

  60. docterry6973

    Mrs. Docterry used hormonal birth control for years until I cut the cord, if you get my drift. Probably in the nick of time, because I not entirely gay yet.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      My brother advocates having the cord cut in April so the victim has an excuse to stay home from work and watch The Masters golf tournament on TV. Or if you can't wait that long, think World Series.

  61. Sassomatic

    So abstinence-only education is good, because it creates a privileged class of ankle-length-skirt-wearing pregnant girls, yes? And also because all the boys will be particularly horny and thinking non-stop about putting their penises into the modest-yet-pheromone-squirting young girls. Sure.

  62. VespulaMaculata

    In a world where Bristol Palin can get paid to lecture on abstinence, this is only fair.

  63. Biff

    Isn't abstinence also contraceptive? Truth be told, there's damned few nuns I've ever been attracted to, so point taken, maybe?

  64. izationalizer

    One implication of this compelling video is that deodorant and body soap are primary contributors to the continued gay-ification of America.

    In an actual, peer-reviewed study (Warren Hays' "Human pheromones: have they been demonstrated?"), it is noted that it's notoriously difficult to even study human pheromones, because modern humans tend to keep their pheromones (read: armpit and crotch B.O.) washed off. He even goes as far to say that the very existence of human pheromones is inconclusive.

    "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's" homosexual agenda strategy is now clear: Teach men how to use nice-smelling body products… and soon, all the women will be lesbians!

  65. LibertyLover

    I'm sure someone has mentioned it, but what have nuns done lately to further the human race? By their logic, the reason that all of those pedophile priests did what they did was because nuns didn't put out.

  66. bytehead

    It's the hicks of Central Ohio. I'm well aware of the hicks, I grew up and graduated from the area.

  67. CthuNHu

    “men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models.”

    Possibly because the average fertile woman does not resemble a pair of wax lips stuck on a praying mantis.

  68. BrendanIM

    I haven't commented in years (though I've been as faithful a reader as these Brides of Christ are Papist) but I'm from Licking County, but I can't bite my tongue on this one. Newark, Ohio (born but not raised, thank fuck), the headquarters for the Children of Mary and county seat for Licking County (NOT FUNNY, it was named for the vital salt licks in the area, you guys) is not some haven for fundamentalist agents of Rome; it is the primary source of domestically-produced meth for the Greater Columbus metropolitan area and surrounding counties. Also, John Holmes was from here.

  69. GoofyMcDork

    Where is the tunnel that the audio in this video was recorded? It sounds like it might be in Ann Coulters va-jay-jay.

  70. GoofyMcDork

    So does this mean if I take the pill I have 0% chance of being raped because I have no pheromones….sign me up!!

Comments are closed.