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The “Children of Mary,” a group of nuns in Ohio, has released a video that is a kind of one-stop shopping trip for insane ideas about birth control. If you can’t bring yourself to waste 13 minutes of your life watching it (and we do not blame you at all if you decide to skip it), here are the main points:

  • Contraception makes men gay. Fertile women exude pheromones that make them super-attractive, the Pill makes a lady’s body think it’s pregnant, so no more pheromones! This is all proven by “studies.” Including one on monkeys, where an alpha male stopped sexing lady monkeys when they were given a contraceptive. We do not know what kind of monkeys they were; the video shows chimps, which are not monkeys at all. But this is all very scientific so far.

    Also, “studies have shown” that because of all those pheromones, “men are more attracted to more average, fertile women than they are even to super models.” (Does the video say anything about fertile super models? It does not! We bet they are SUPER-sexy!) Even granting the video’s loopy premise that men are less attracted to non-fertile women (which we do not), there is maybe a difference between “less attracted” and “not attracted at all” — presumably people use these contraceptive thingies for some purpose having to do with sex? We suspect that this whole question of pheromonal attractiveness may be immaterial, since studies have also shown that men will happily put their peens into many things that are not ladies at all, as proven by Emergency Room records. And by South Carolina.*

  • Contraceptives cause women to compensate for their reduced attractiveness by painting themselves like harlots and wearing slutty immodest garments!

    Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.

    Clearly, female sluttiness is a pheromonal phenomenon that came into existence when the FDA approved hormonal birth control pills in 1960. And as usual, poor confused men are the real victims of these harridans. Knowledge is power, ladies.

  • Contraceptives will literally kill you. The video intones that “It is impossible to calculate the number of deaths due to contraception, because mortality is often attributed to another cause. Nowhere on the US Certificate of Death does it even mention the use of contraceptives.” You see! The doctors and the certificate-printers are all in on this!! But since it’s impossible to calculate, let’s just assume it’s tens of millions, probably, or maybe a billion or so.
  • “It is also impossible to calculate how many millions of babies have died,” because while the Pill is supposed to prevent ovulation, once in a while one of those suckers gets through and a fertilized egg (which is actually a “baby” — the video shows a photo of a fetus at about 12 weeks) fails to implant in the womb, so the “mother’s body rejects and aborts her baby without ever knowing she was with child.” This happens all the time, the video tells us, and is “the cause of death for 7 to 12 million babies in America each year.” They even have a citation, to a very authoritative-sounding 1994 publication titled “Infant Homicides Through Contraceptives,” which is probably really scientific. Oh, and of course, real scientists say nuh-uhh, doesn’t work that way, but you knew that already.
  • All those ladies on the Pill are peeing so much extra estrogen into the wastewater system that our tap water is brimming with estrogen, making us all hermaphrodites. There’s something in there about rivers full of hermaphrodite fish; we think they may be conflating Pill-pee with “environmental estrogens” — actual pollutants that have fuck-all to do with contraceptives.
  • There is no population crisis, and birth control will cause humanity to become extinct. “We’re contracepting ourselves out of existence.” This may be news to people in Calcutta.
  • The horror...the horror...

  • The “birth control mentality” makes humans think they, not God, have control over their lives. Talk about arrogant! This leads teens who have been taught about birth control to lose their virginity in high school. (Kid Zoom, 15, said of the accompanying graphic, “Wait, why would they show someone crying over that?” Apparently we have failed to instill in him the certainty that sex can only be tragic and horrible.)
  • Contraceptives lead to bestiality. As proof, the video cites the Bloodhound Gang’s 1999 song “Bad Touch”: “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals / So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” Somehow, this is very different from the video’s other suggestions that humans are just like apes, or elsewhere, its bizarre case against sterilization:

    “If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the infinite value of each and every person.”

    Oh, they mention NAMBLA, too. Now there’s a surprise.

  • “Pregnancy is not a risk, it’s a privilege.”

    And so, the take-away to this strange, strange video: “If someone you know is contracepting, tell them to stop. It will destroy them.”

    These nuns remind us a bit of our own Taliban-Catholic mother, who regularly consulted the Blessed Virgin on questions of daily life, including dilemmas involving home decorating (we only wish we were making that up). Their website opens with painfully bad flash animation that includes this strange bit of Christo-erotic text…

    “I thirst. I so ardently thirst to be loved by men in the Most Blessed Sacrament that this thirst devours Me…” –Jesus to Saint Margaret Mary

    …and includes a call for young women to join “The Modesty Revolution!” by covering up their slutty knees.

    Also, talk about your buried ledes: the Columbus Dispatch, which originally broke the story on this video, says in the final paragraph of its coverage that the The Children of Mary are located in Licking County, Ohio.

    *Wonkette hat tip to Kid Zoom for the “South Carolina” joke.

    [Joe. My. God.]

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