IT'S FANFICTION-TASTIC!  3:56 pm October 2, 2012

David Brooks Pens Stirring Debate Statement For Imaginary Mitt Romney (Who Is Actually David Brooks)

by Doktor Zoom

Hey, at least it's not "My Immortal" As we all know (if we are nerds), in the world of fan fiction, a “Mary Sue” is a character who exists solely as a surrogate for the author — it’s the ordinary girl who is a better Quidditch player than Harry Potter, or the super-spy who gets to raid Lara Croft’s secret treasure vault, if you know what we mean. So it turns out that plodding centrist boringpants David Brooks has written a fan fiction story of his very own! Only the Mary Sue in his story is not merely a character who gives Mitt Romney a winning strategy, it is a wholly fictional version of Mitt Romney himself, who says all the things that David Brooks thinks would win America over and elect a hypothetical centrist Republican. We have seen similar “centrist boringpants are the real conservatives” fantasy pretty recently (by Tom Friedman, natch), so it’s not surprising that David Brooks would want to play Starfleet Captain, too. And the New York Times, which has a weakness for this sort of candidate fan-wankery around upcoming debates, even let him republish it from his LiveJournal.

So, in Brooks’ richly imagined fantasy world, the “Mitt Romney” character has enough self-awareness to admit that Mitt Romney makes mistakes. Talk about a plot twist! So this fictional Mitt (let’s call him “Brooxney” so there’s no doubt about who’s really speaking) then admits that while his true love is actually Sensible Centrism, sometimes in the heat of a campaign, “the consultants want to make you something you’re not,” and

I’ve allowed that to happen to me. I’m a nonideological guy running in an ideological age, and I’ve been pretending to be more of an ideologue than I really am. I’m a sophisticated guy running in a populist moment. I’ve ended up dumbing myself down.

It hasn’t even worked. I’m behind. So I’ve decided to run the last month of this campaign as myself.

We have to admit that this is a pretty gutsy move for Brooks, since it suggests that somewhere inside the outer shell of this year’s right-wing Mitt, and possibly under the liberal-ish 1994 Mitt, you’d find a core of Actual Mitt Romney. But Brooks is looking for the real Chauncey Gardner and finding only an idealized version of himself.

And what does Brooxney think? Well, not surprisingly, he thinks that President Obama has not done enough to promote a bipartisan agenda, but then, neither has the Republican party. Happily, Brooxney knows that Republicans will be far more willing to go along with a moderate Republican president with an actual “R” following his name, rather than the one who currently occupies the White House. And so he will avoid the “fiscal cliff” with a thoughtful compromise that gives both sides part of what they want, using Math and Reason to accomplish that goal:

globally, the nations that successfully trim debt have raised $1 in new revenue for every $3 in spending cuts. I will bring Republicans around to that position. There’s no way President Obama can do that.

This is where the fans get restless about the character’s violation of the series canon, pointing out that you might as well get Klingons to sit down and have a good empathetic talk about their feelings. As Ezra Klein tweetered about the Brooks fanfic, “If Republicans would agree to a 3:1 deal, the budget negotiations would’ve been successful.” Yeah, Ezra, but THIS is a version of the universe where R’s are happy to compromise to get something they really want. And they probably didn’t dump Richard Lugar or Bob Bennett, either.

Brooxney then goes on to say that job-creation is not something that can be created by a single “magic lever,” but that he’ll promote many small policy changes that will provide a nudge toward growth, which is really the most that government can accomplish. And healthcare reform needs to be adjusted too, but not flailed at with an axe. Brooxney then gives a summation that only a David Brooks could think would win over undecideds (who are very calm and sensible in this version of the world):

I’ve tried to be on the level with you. This president was audacious in 2008, but, as you can see from his negligible agenda, he’s now exhausted. I’m not an inspiring conviction politician, but I’ll try anything to help us succeed. You make the choice.

And Brooxney wins, to the crowd’s resounding cries of “Meh.”

[NYT / Image from "Ensign Sue Must Die"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 177 comments }

Gratuitous World October 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

This Mitt Romney can be found in Galt's Gulch and shown on tv's "24"

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Nds moar empty chair

rickmaci October 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Heard this one about The Least Interesting Man in the World last night.

Mitt is so uninteresting, the empty chairs left when he started talking.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:16 am

Don't worry; they'll be plenty of those at his defeat party.

mrpuma2u October 2, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"It hasn’t even worked. I’m behind. So I’ve decided to run the last month of this campaign as myself. "

Trouble is, there is no "self" inside of Willard Romney. It's just facade propped up by 1" x 3" and filled with blown cellulose.

Doktor Zoom October 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"There used to be a 'real me,' but I had it surgically removed."

–Peter Sellers

Dr_Zoidberg October 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

This is some extremely boring slashfic.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Needs more cousin-fucking!

Dr_Zoidberg October 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And demands that your significant other be your God-anointed porn star.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm

God that ass's wife should go full Bobbit on him.

MosesInvests October 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

With votes!

Doktor Zoom October 2, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Also, for my favorite fanfic that thoroughly changes a basic premise of a work: "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality," in which Harry uses Science to be a better wizard.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Oh, Doc. I'll see that and raise you with what I just posted in Wonkville…

Doktor Zoom October 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

hm… the faked Valley Of Death photo or the robot lasers?

(Also, I should add, the Harry Potter fanfic is actually GOOD and funny!)

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Come here a minute October 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The David Brooks version of Mitt Romney loves to stare into Jim Lehrer's eyes.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm

As well as actually respond to questions.

GunToting[Redacted] October 2, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Jim Lehrer's cold, dead eyes. Like a shark's, or a doll's eyes.

Generation[redacted] October 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"Then I'm going to unzip myself and show you all that I'm not stiff. Seee?!" (gyrates hips, then looks down) "How about that, looks like I am stiff after all."

mrpuma2u October 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

That was puerile, juvenile, and fabulous. I guffawed audibly. I salute you.

BloviateMe October 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Tim Pawlenty gave it 5 out of 5. "A cracklin' good yarn!"

chicken_thief October 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Who?

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Tim Pawlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"This president was audacious in 2008, but, as you can see from his negligible agenda"

Yeah, that negligible depression-preventing, healthcare-reform-passing, bin Laden-killing agenda; he's done so little, except for all those things he accomplished.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I mean, really, it's not like he changed the entire government of Egypt or Libya…

Not_So_Much October 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

But but but, soshulizm?

Chichikovovich October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

OK, we never got anything even vaguely resembling the socialism that the Republicans kept promising us he was committed to, and that is disappointing, but still, that's not such a terrible record.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Right? I almost wish the Invisible GOP Obama had won in 2008…

ThankYouJeebus October 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

If you've got the name you might as well play the game.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Seriously. If he's such a freaking socialist, where is the freaking socialism?

I blame Obama.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:18 am

It's so confusing. I thought the Stimulus was doing way too much, but now they are telling me that Obama is a do-nothing. Which is it?

Oh, all of them, Katie.

ThankYouJeebus October 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Grinch Romney told Mary Sue Who that her healthcare and education were broken. He was just taking them back to his workshop for repair.

Mumbletypeg October 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm

And healthcare reform needs to be adjusted too, but not flailed at with an axe.

I wanna see David Brooks' dottering typey fingers repeat that — without flinching — to Matt Taibbi's poison pen.

Goonemeritus October 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Read the Republican platform David your Party left you, they think you are a Trotskyite.

coolhandnuke October 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Trickle down journalism has never worked, never will.
Except at Wonkette. We'll trickle on anyone and anything.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I only trickle when I forget my BPH meds.

coolhandnuke October 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm

BPH?…Boner Producing Hallucinogens.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Benign Prostate Hyoplasia.

Swollen butthole, in essence.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Is that you, Allen West?

coolhandnuke October 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Swollen butthole dovetails quite nice with Trickle Down Economics….bloated, greedy megalo assholes getting richer, greedier and giving what's left to trickle on the poor fools at the bottom.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Jesus God, that is enough information!!

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I'd like to trickle on David Brooks.

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

globally, the nations that successfully trim debt have raised $1 in new revenue for every $3 in spending cuts. I will bring Republicans around to that position. There’s no way President Obama can do that.

Yup, because the Vow to Grover Norquist definitely had a Get Out Of No-Tax-Jail Free card attached just for Romney's imaginary election.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 4:57 pm

"The Vow To Grover Norquist" is the most despicable Policy Porn I have ever read!!

FakaktaSouth October 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

In what fucking universe is it a conceivable plus that someone running for the Presidency is "A nonideological guy" and HOW does this NOT describe Mitt "tell me what to fucking say" Romney ANYWAY? NO NO NO I am not doing this with you David, you are just dumb and wrong and I don't want any of your false premise arguments today.

DrunkIrishman October 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Romney can barely convince Republicans to support his campaign … how can anyone expect him to get 'em to raise revenue?

Toomush_Infer October 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm more comfortable with the Rolling Stones September issue vision of a Romney who doesn't care what he says – he's going to rickroll the Treasury in any case, so what does it matter?…

calliecallie October 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Schmannnity October 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Obama should have been more bipartisan–why wouldn't he join Mitch McConnell in his job one–defeating Barack Obama?

James Michael Curley October 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Tough Shit Brooks! You been ghosting it and sliding by for thirty years. Your vaunted Republican Party had four years to choose a candidate and after the fiasco that was McCain/Palin you could have gone anywhere, but you chose this poser. As for Mitt, you have been running for President since your father crashed and burned in 1968. You could have spent a little of all that money on A PLAN.

prommie October 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This is just fapping, pundit fapping.

ThankYouJeebus October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

What is the sound of one hand fapping?

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We now know the sound of one brain cell fapping.

prommie October 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Hell, isn't most fapping one-handed fapping?

Nostrildamus October 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

♫ It takes two hands to handle a Whopper ♫

IncenseDebate October 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Dame Peggington Noonington does this stuff much better and it's more mock-able.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

And you can almost smell the vino in her prose.

kittensdontlie October 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Her Dameness displays a vibrant cheerleading style, whereas Brooks just gives his drab presentation of the new OS for Mittens.

chicken_thief October 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I fear poor Dave has grossly underestimated the idiocy that has overcome what used to be the Republican Party.

SoBeach October 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You find yourself in a giant hole a month before the election, so you tell everyone that you're actually the exact opposite of what you've been claiming you are for the past two years. Everything you've been saying is a lie, but now you're going to start telling the truth.

And then voters…what? Vote for you? Mitt might as well give it a shot. He's got nothing to lose.

Doktor Zoom October 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm

It is completely dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:38 pm

You are in the dark. It is completely dark. There is nothing you can see, nothing you can hear, nothing you can taste, and nothing you can smell.

Gleem McShineys October 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm

There is a small David Brooks here.

HistoriCat October 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Argh – I forgot the damn torch again. Now I have to retrace my steps and find it.

Fucking Zork.

Generation[redacted] October 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Is this the part of the book where our hero delivers a five hour radio monologue explaining the metaphysics of objectivist philosophy?

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:44 pm

No, apparently this is the Vogon poetry selection.

Crank_Tango October 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The debates will become irrelevant once Mitt unleashes his Cocktober surprise, revealing that Nobama is a gay islamofascist that wasn't even born.

SayItWithWookies October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

It hasn’t even worked. I’m behind. So I’ve decided to run the last month of this campaign as myself.

Sure — because nothing inspires confidence in a potential leader like when he decides to completely reverse course at the eleventh hour. But maybe an inspiring speaker like David Brooks (aka the white Martin Luther King) could manage it.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I don't think "reverse course" quite captures the idea. Brooks evidently subscribes to the "n-dimensional chess" metaphor, and thinks there is an entirely new direction Rmoney can pursue.

skmind October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Brooks…fiscal cliff…Romney

Only way this sells is if Romney straps Brooks to the top of his car and drives over a cliff.

CommieDad October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

When I read Brooks column this morning, I cried. I had a full fledged Boehner. It was just so fucking moving.

BartStarrland October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

It hasn’t even worked. I’m behind. So I’ve decided to run the last month of this campaign as myself.

Seinfeld libel! (?)

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The Autumn of Mitt!

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I thought that 50 Spews of Gray Whale was the worst piece of fanfic ever 'written'. Thank you David Brooks for correcting my mistake.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I still can't believe you managed to force yourself to read some of that; along with Twilight that must have been incredibly taxing to your sanity.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

Ambergris libel, yo!

SayItWithWookies October 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Brooxney then goes on to say that job-creation is not something that can be created by a single “magic lever"

That funny — I thought the magic lever was when David Copperfield gave his groupie-for-the-evening cab fare home.

Mittens Howell, III October 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

50 shades of Beige.

no_gravity October 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Beige, More Beige, Less Beige, Light Beige, Dark Beige, Cream of Beige, Dull Beige, Sandy Beige, Boring Beige, Beige Lite, Low Fat Beige, Sleepy Time Beige, Bland Beige, Romney Beige, Son of Beige and Ecru.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

47 shades of Latino

Doktor Zoom October 3, 2012 at 12:00 am

What is this, some sort of off-white supremacy porn?

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:28 am

50 Shades of Meh.

James Michael Curley October 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Since Brooks recycles his NYTimes columns to be repeated on Friday on Jim Leher's News Hour, I hope Mark Shields makes it in to sit there and gloat, smirk and downright rub his nose in it.

chicken_thief October 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Sure Mitt is a personality-less robot, but do these fucking asshats ever stop to think that their policies suck?!

widestanceromance October 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Stop to think? Not a chance.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"And then, Romney with his perfect hair spied a handsome columnist named Bavid Drooks, and whispered to the devilishly handsome Paul Ryan, 'Are you also thinking of a three way with that beautiful hunk?'"

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"Big time!"

SpiderCrab October 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Retch! Gag! Projectile Vomit!

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"Now, Bavid, you understand why I don't have enough time for math." *wink*

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:48 pm

That's disgusting, but still better than Brooks.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:29 am

"And then I answered 'You're trying to seduce me, Mr. Romney.'"

Jus_Wonderin October 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Seriously, in this last month Mitt just needs to make sure he is oiled up. Clunka, clunka, clunka.

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

He should probably change his battery when Daylight Savings is up next month so he doesn't start chirping nonstop.

Jus_Wonderin October 2, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I almost put that in, with him rubbing the oil off his hands with a shop rag, setting the hood back with a thunk and giving the "it's A OK" gesture to Ann.

Though, out of gest mode, I had one of those things go crazy chirpy on me this weekend. As I flailed around, fumbling on the top rung of the ladder, one of the dogs shot OUT the doggie door accusing ME of all the hubbub. He doesn't trust me…still. He still gives me that look.

HistoriCat October 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Did it start chirping at 3 in the morning? That's usually when mine start to chirp.

Jus_Wonderin October 2, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Actually, yes.

viennawoods13 October 2, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Ours are hard-wired. Thank goodness. But they do go off every time I fry something, and since they are hard-wired I can't take the batteries out til I finish cooking.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Install a switch.

Although then, I suppose you have to remember to turn it back on. Oops.

tessiee October 2, 2012 at 11:15 pm

"with him rubbing the oil off his hands with a shop rag, setting the hood back with a thunk and giving the "it's A OK" gesture to Ann."

"Meris? I'm holding some sort of a … wrench." — Niles Crane

Jus_Wonderin October 3, 2012 at 6:28 am

Niles is hilarious.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Jesus Christ. If I pooped out something this stupid at my job, I would be part of the 47% in no time.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I readily admit that I have not accomplished much of enduring significance in my life, but I don't get paid millions of dollars a year to do fuck all, either. The fact that some marginally-reasonable people take David Brooks sort of seriously offends the fuck out of me.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Thank you David Brooks for opening my skull and taking a shit all over my brains.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Well at least he didn't skullfuck you!

SpiderCrab October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

The NYT is also running an article today about "TheMitt Romney Who Might Have Been".

And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm

If Romney had a conviction he'd be a person.

chicken_thief October 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I liked Brooks better when he used to play the drunk.

Jus_Wonderin October 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Now I wonder how many will get that. But, I am an old so…..I do.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I canNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN't ima–im–unnerstand whhhhhhhhhhha-*hic*-t this "old" ish?

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm
actor212 October 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

Thass whash I'mmmmmmmmmmm tawkenboud….

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:53 pm

/* pops can of Foster's ale in salute */

IncenseDebate October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The fact that Candy Crowley is moderating this debate ensures that it's going to be ugly.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I’ve ended up dumbing myself down

Uh, Brooksie?

Unpossible, this.

chicken_thief October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Hmm. I can't seem to find Brooks on Facebook. Whatevz. I'll just wait for Lou Sarah to weigh in.

CommieDad October 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Here is my imaginary Mittens Opening:

===

47% of America doesn't pay Taxes. 53% of America pay too much taxes. I want to cut 20% from the 53%, add 20% to the 47%, it will all be revenue neutral, and we will all be better if I pay less taxes. 'Cause I pay too much. So if you hate America, or just hate paying for America, or are racist or some shit like that, vote for me.

===

Strangely, I think mine is more realistic than David's. Sad.

Guppy October 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

When I read that, I heard a W Chuckle at the end.

Mittens Howell, III October 2, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Peel back the onion to reveal more self satisfied, entitled, layers of onion.

Gleem McShineys October 2, 2012 at 6:48 pm

It's turtle shit, all the way down.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Excellent.

Fairtackle October 2, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Why does this story make me picture Brooks in diapers in his sandbox playing with his sister's barbies.

Mittens Howell, III October 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

You've got to admire a man who works so hard to ensure the brain-dead have something to read.

Mittens Howell, III October 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm

When David Brooks gets to heaven Jesus will hand him a special red ribbon, for participating.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:35 am

Reverse blood libel!

SayItWithWookies October 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

globally, the nations that successfully trim debt have raised $1 in new revenue for every $3 in spending cuts. I will bring Republicans around to that position. There’s no way President Obama can do that.

"Because the secret to bringing bipartisanship to Washington is to have a Republican president and a Republican Congress — only then can both sides work together."

Nibbler of Niblonia October 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Ol Brooksie is just imaginative enough to come to the revelation that Mitt is a phony, yet he remains so constipatedly obtuse that he pretends the republican opposition hasn't thwarted any chance of progress from day 1 of the Obama administration.

Brooksie needs a mental enema to clear out the remaining dogmatic bullshit clogging up what could potentially be a decent-thinking conservative brain…..decent for a conservative, mind you….

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Mitt, I need to know are you committed to being my porn star?"

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:55 pm

There are some non-negotiable positions.

randcoolcatdaddy October 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"It hasn’t even worked. I’m behind. So I’ve decided to run the last month of this campaign as myself. Allow me to introduce you to the real me. I am round and black with a hole in the middle. And I'm really groovy. Yes, I'm a stereophonic recording that can provide you and your family with years of enjoyment with the proper care. Would you like to hear a selection by Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass?…"

tessiee October 2, 2012 at 11:24 pm

"Would you like to hear a selection by Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass?"

Since we're talking about Mitt, "The Lonely Bull" seems appropriate.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Mitt definitely needs to go back in for re-grooving.

Eve8Apples October 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Mitt … admits his true love is actually Sensible Centrism, sometimes in the heat of a campaign, “the consultants want to make you something you’re not,” and I’ve allowed that to happen to me. "

Mitt then continues, "I honestly can't stand that prick Paul Ryan. He's the worst blind date I've ever had. And don't get me started on those whining teabaggers… ya know, most of 'em are in the 47% and I couldn't care less about 'em."

Mittens Howell, III October 2, 2012 at 4:29 pm

David Brooks is Mitt Romney's manic pixie dream girl.

ManchuCandidate October 2, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I'd rather read slash fic where Brooks fucks Rmoney in an unMormoni way and then they fall into a giant black hole never to be seen again.

Gleem McShineys October 2, 2012 at 6:50 pm

But, David Brooks swears he deleted the first draft!

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Can we just skip to the black hole?

emmelemm October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

1. SurrOgate.

2. I thought a Mary Sue was a stand-in for the reader, not the author. It is the character that the reader can "assume" to become part of the story. Perhaps I am incorrect.

Nerd-style points, though, for the header picture and alt-text.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm

No, it's an author avatar; though beyond that there's a lot of disagreement as to what exactly a Mary Sue is:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySu

And you are welcome for that TV Tropes links which should cause you to waste the rest of your day.

emmelemm October 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Huh. Clearly I know nothing, but I thought it was said that Bella is a "Mary Sue" because she's a bland enough character to allow all those slavering female readers to easily imagine themselves in her place as the object of Edward's affection.

And that's as much as I know about Twilight, and Mary Sue-dom. Oh, except there's also a werewolf played by the kid who looks like he has FAS.

Doktor Zoom October 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Damn, I totally missed that typo. I reely due no howe to speel. FIXED (even at this late hour).

In fanfic, a Mary Sue is almost always a wish- fulfillment stand-in for the writer, but yeah, I think it's applicable to Bella, who is a paper doll with a cutout in her head where the reader's face goes.

ThundercatHo October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I don't get it. Where's Capt. Kirk in all of this? Also, would this make Pryan the Gorn?

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Capt Kirk is banging the green chick.

Blueb4sinrise October 2, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Bobo, do you look 'em in the eyes when you're sucking? 'Cause I hear that they dig that.

IncenseDebate October 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

If you read that headline fast it looks like David Brooks' penis stirring.

Gleem McShineys October 2, 2012 at 6:58 pm

If you read that editorial, it also looks like David Brooks' penis was stirring.

ManchuCandidate October 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Actually the bigger fiction is $1 in new revenue for every $3 in spending cuts. Non defense spending generates $4-$6 for every buck spent and much of that goes into the pockets of ordinary people rather than into the pockets of rich fuckers who only want lower taxes.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Math, LOL.

Simple J Malarkey October 2, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I don't have time to go through all these details.

Callyson October 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I will bring Republicans around to that position. There’s no way President Obama can do that.

Vote for me or the party with which I identify will continue to hold the nation hostage. Yeah, that's a winning campaign slogan…

MonkeyMotion October 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm

You know, Brooks is pretty impressive…penning all those words with his head up his butt.

savethispatient October 2, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I like the use of the x in Brooxney, because as well as substituting for the ks in Brooks, it's like a multiplication symbol, i.e. Brooks x Romney. And we all know what happens when you multiply by a zero…

LibrarianX October 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I'm a guy running in a race where something called ideas matter, apparently.

calliecallie October 2, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Chauncey Gardener….kind of wish he'd been in the Republican debates running up to Mitten's nomination.

DahBoner October 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Mitt Romney: Being Square

tessiee October 2, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I assumed that he had.

Katydid October 2, 2012 at 4:57 pm

The only good thing I can say about Brooksie is that nearly every reference to him in the msm calls him a "conservative columnist." Finally, they've at least got that right. They leave out "asshole," but it's a start.

AlaskaGrrl October 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

David Brooks zzzzzzzzzzzz drool ack. He should just go over and and get drunk more often with Peggington Nooningdroid and they can walk around and marvel at the different colors people come in now days.

DahBoner October 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Mitt Romney makes mistakes

THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE [Exception: Core Dump 0FE8 0D75 FFFO ...]

Nostrildamus October 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm

DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF
DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF
DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF DEAD BEEF

docterry6973 October 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Does Brooks have a Mary Sue outfit in his closet? And is it prettier than mine?

GeorgiaMike October 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

If Mittens flip flops again and runs the last month as a moderate, he may become the first presidential nominee ever to get no votes outside his immediate family. Folks don't need another reason to dislike him.

fawkedifiknow October 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I'm not going to read Brooks's column through to the end. I fell asleep in the middle of reading this recap, for christsakes.

Nostrildamus October 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm

This president was audacious in 2008, but, as you can see from his negligible agenda, he’s now exhausted.

The erotic energy in that sentence is palpable.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:42 am

Apparently, Obama blew his load on us and it wasn't all that impressive in this alternative universe.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 2, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Also in this fantasy world, the president elected on Nov 6 has the ability to do something about the fiscal cliff, which runs out of road on Jan 1, twenty days before inauguration. But who am I to miss with Brook's meth dreams.

mavenmaven October 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

And to think, it used to be Douthat who was the dumb token right wing columnist.

An_Outhouse October 2, 2012 at 6:48 pm

you know how liberals projected what they wanted to see on Obama? Brooks does that with every pile of dog shit he comes across.

Gleem McShineys October 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm

LEAVE BROOXNEY ALONE!

Guppy October 2, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Web comics and presidential slash fanfics?

Does jfruh know you're muscling in on his territories, Herr Doktor?

cybermoe October 2, 2012 at 7:02 pm

“the consultants want to make you something you’re not,” um, does that mean outsourced?

TribecaMike October 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Not the old dub the president's voice over a copy of Beverly Hills Pizza Delivery Boy 6 trick again?

Oh well, it worked for Reagan in '84.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:05 am

If if-and-butts were candy and nuts…

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 12:25 am

Shorter Alt Romney:

"We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"

Don't blame me, America; I voted for Obamados.

ttommyunger October 3, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Somehow, I know David has a tat the size of a postage stamp; probably Frat Greek , on one of his flabby, pasty calfs.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm

He doesn't even pay rent.

bobbert October 2, 2012 at 11:42 pm

TMS.

HistoriCat October 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

I knew it!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: