The only thing the Michigan legislature hates more than vaginas is a contested Congressional race. That’s why they cold gerrymandered the district map for guys like Thad McCotter. So long as he collected 1000 nominating signatures every couple years, he could’ve stayed in Congress forever. But McCotter’s inability to even plausibly forge petitions led to his resignation and the probable imprisonment of his staff. Sad.
Fortunately for voters in Michigan’s fighting 11th District, brave hero Kerry Bentivolio was there to save the day. As the only Republican on the ballot in this heavily Republican district, Bentivolio will likely go to Congress by default. Also his opponent Syed Taj, in addition to being a damned dirty Democrat, is a (not-at-all secret) Muslim and a doctor. To many 11th District voters, Taj is basically an Obamacare death panel personified.
Bentivolio, when he’s not running a reindeer farm or trying to make children cry, is busy not attending League of Women Voter’s candidate forums. He had a prior engagment, you guys. To do important stuff or whatever. Like avoiding virtually all contact with the media and the 11th District GOP caucus.
Besides, where does it say in the Constitution that women are even allowed vote? No, not that watered-down second draft from 1920. The original version.
And that thing about making children cry is no joke. Once upon a time, Bentivolio was a public school science teacher/moocher/union thug who literally began the school year by telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry.
Bentivolio figured that any teacher’s union bargaining for work rules that protect the job of an unhinged sadist like Kerry Bentivolio must be no good. That’s why he’s a Tea Party darling who thinks that unions are terrible in every way.
Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann. It is a future almost too awful to imagine. Fear not. Even if that unholy fate were to befall this blog, Michigan has got your back. A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy. [Freep]
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Michigan, where the Tea-Tards are just the right size.
Bentivolio
I played him on stage! Twelfth Night! What an asshole!
And the character was pretty dopey, too.
Maybe you played Bentivolio and this guy should be named Malvolio?
malvolio libel!
i would like to see you in yellow stockings.
I thought Bentivolio was the new size at Starbucks.
I thought it was a new birth defect
Same thing, I guess.
So hot it makes you cry.
Then it tastes like reindeer piss.
Isn't that the new super small size?
Let me be the first to say: Kerry Corniholio?
"I need TP for my bunghole!"
It's Michigan, so shouldn't it be "I need UP for my bunghole" ?
Beavis libel.
Bentivolio, when he’s not running a reindeer farm
Michigan, where men are men and reindeer are surprisingly not horny at all.
SANTA LIBEL
Kerry is so very…tea douchebaggy.
Well, at least Munster will have a nice, new little friend to cry with when he's told to shut up and sent to the far back benches. Assuming he keeps his congressional seat, that is.
Also, too—does that reindeer head do double duty as Mrs. Bentivolio?
Are you suggesting…..skull-fucking?
Or something, they sure look cozy, don't they?
"telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry"
Big deal. There isn't a day I don't the Baconz spawn that at least twice. "Man up" I tell them "you're 7 and 8 now! You're cry baby pussy time is over you weak little kids"
I saw that movie, with Duvall in the title role—"The Great Bacontini." Good flick.
Hey if your going to have a roll model as to how to raise your kids go Bull.
Best bailiff evar!
I started getting my kid into shape when he was 6 months old by bouncing a Nerf basketball off his forehead.
"What, you've got a shitty diaper? Toughen up, buttercup. That's it, squirt me some tears. Cry cry cry."
Let me just leave this here
Bouncing the pork loin off the kid's forehead was over the line!!
My father used to give us speeches about growing up in the Depression.
I thought making the children cry was the perk of being a teacher.
Right? One doesn't go into that profession for the sweet paycheck or douchecanoe parents.
Making the teacher cry is a perk of being in the gifted program.
"You didn't really want to go to Harvard, now did you?"
It's honestly the only reason I want to be a parent.
The beatings are a bonus too, also. Nothing like slapping them around after an aggravating day at work.
Wait I thought you didn't go to Catholic school with the nuns too?
No, but she kept the uniform just the same.
He probably thought he was only helping the girls learn a technique that will allow them to manipulate their husbands later.
Uh oh. He turned down the League of Women Voters?
Hell hath no fury like a woman voter scorned.
Reindeer farm? How do they wield the hoes and stuff, with those hoofs?
It's hard out there for a reindeer pimp.
Kerry Perivolio – "I Kissed a Moose."
And I liked it
"And I liked it."
Can we just assume that he likes the boys?
And animals.
That's a buck on the wall, so…
Oh Teabagger, my Teabagger!
In the Teabagger version of Dead Poets Society, the teacher inspires all the students to think about committing suicide but instead ambush him in the teachers parking lot armed with soap bar stuffed socks.
You had me at "bottomless."
The only union I'm against is one that produces baby Teabagganists.
And the one between Kerry and that caribou.
Ain't nothing hotter than a shirtless man playing kissie-face with a dead carcass.
I had no idea that dog-tags and baseball caps only was the required outfit for getting deer head.
I read this interaction differently. Looks to me like he's about to be giving the deer head.
I always wondered what is the fucking huge fascination with hunting, but now I get it. Still I can't help but think that deer would be bad at it, thats a toothy ruminant with no lips to speak of, a recipe for a real dick-shredding.
Putin certainly thinks so.
I wonder if it's the same reindeer place that Moe and Barney broke into with Homer to show Bart how to be a man?
Hot Stuff Coming Through!
Jesus Christ. Your move, Crazytown USA.
There seem to be a lot of crazies in Michigan. Must be due to the height of the trees.
Somewhere in Alabama or Arizona, a future congressional candidate is saying, "I can do better than that!"
Fuck. *heads for the basement*
Candidates in the simultaneous races for full and partial terms representing Michigan's 11th Congressional District tackled jobs, among a host of hot-button issues Monday at a candidate forum at Plymouth District Library.
*raising hand*
Um, Editrix? I have a question…
You see, we have to hold the special election for the empty seat, so they scheduled it on the same day as he general election to save money. The winner of the special will serve until January for the previously drawn district getting benefits for serving for two months.
The partial term was aborted,
"A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy"
Wait, would Congress let him in if he comes in bottomless, just flapping in the breeze?
In the House it's okay. Only the Senate has the Vitter Rule requiring diapers.
Aunt Lindsey would invite him over for ham biscuits.
I call bullshit. If he really loved 'Murka and the Party of Bagged Tea, he would be ripping the jugular out of that reindeer with his teeth. What a pussy.
It's good to know who's in the on-deck circle.
My vagina haz a sad.
Well, now, you just turn that frown upside down there, Missy!
Oddly, a lot of men say that to me.
I hope it's not crying, making your panties all moist and stuff.
Might I suggest something from the Shoe Box™ "Cheer – Vagina" section?
This Syed Taj person must have some serious balls to run in that district. Maybe he's running on a dare?
Is it Kumar in disguise?
He looks like half the doctors now working in hospitals in urban America. http://www.tajforcongress.com/
Muzzies invading the 11th from Dearborn by way of Livonia? Part of global expansion of Islam Inc., right?
Gates of Vienna thingee?
Hey, a reindeer farm in Michigan doesn't sound any more bizarre than a dental floss ranch in Montana.
I want to be a dental floss tycoon!
I have full confidence in the Teapublicans to keep the freak parade fully staffed and marching up and down Pennsylvania Avenue.
I blame the hole in the ozone for creating all of these lunatics.
Eating lead paint chips
Nah, it's probably because of vaccines.
The buck stops here.
Nine months later, school administrators reprimanded him for intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.
Oh, come on. Hit 'em, you big pussy.
Jeeze louise, he's from a town not far from Detroit. I bet you he's best friends with that looney woman from Troy.
Rudolph wept.
Show me on the antler where Bentivolio touched you.
Thise aren't tears on Rudolph, that's rain.
And he knows it, because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
"Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann."
So, will the reindeer head be playing the part of Marcus Bachmann?
We'll still have Darrell Issa and Jim Inhoffe and that guy who apologized to BP — it's not like it's gonna some sort of wasteland of sanity out there.
I look forward to the day when there is no insanity left for Wonkette to… Sorry, I was laughing too hard to finish writing that sentence.
Louie Gohmert! Steve King! Peter King! Debbie Wasserman-Schultz!
No, wait–she's hot.
As of last week, Steve King was in a statistical dead heat in Iowa. I guess when voters there found out it was legal to kidnap and rape 12-year-olds, they decided they wanted a Congressman who would actually do something about that. Also, maybe perhaps being pro dog fighting is hard sell.
Playing reindeer gamez?
That is the historic moment he came up with his 8 point plan.
Bentivolio told the League of Women Voters of Northwest Wayne County that he had a prior commitment
He was waxing his reindeer.
Is that what we're calling it these days?
Shining that nose.
Those reindeer in the parade on his site give me the sadz.
That's a LIVE reindeer he's snuggling with. I thought it was a mounted head. Who the hell snuggles with a live reindeer with no clothes on and then posts the picture on a business website??
And yes, the parade reindeer look miserable. I'm sure the children he taught in school looked the same.
And we still haven't heard a lot from Tennessee congressmen lately. After the election, they can start legislating whether history happened or not again. Plenty of yuks ahead!
Are you sure about "bottomless"? He looks like a BOB (Big Ol' Bottom) to me. The kissy-face with the reindeer says, "Play out my Catherine the Great fantasy!" all over it.
We're shuffling more assholes in and out of the house than a gay bordello.
Worst "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" episode ever.
Richard Mulligan libel!
I changed my "Soap" reference to "MH, MH" but you're absolutely right. Burt Campbell lives!
2 years of bottomless unintentional comedy? By "comedy" you mean things that make you weep and stabby, right?
The reindeer he raises are used by Republican Santa to fly around the country on Christmas Eve to
givetake away school lunches, health insurance, decent education, and WIC cards from poor children.♫ Rudolph, the red state reindeer
Had a very shiny etc etc etc ♪
So he likes to make children cry? But when the children cry,
Let them know we tried
'Cause when the children sing
Then the new world begins
'Cause you were born
Into this evil world
Where man is killing man
And no one knows just why
What have we become?
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again
Is this one of Herman Cain's?
White Lion! Does no one remember the classics?
I believe it is beneath Wonkette standards to threaten "two years of bottomless unintentional comedy" without the usual assurances that this will involve Bentivolio actually being caught bottomless.
And what's with the dog tags? Is he planning on being in combat soon? Poseur.
I like the fact that they're riveted to his chest.
It's a talisman he thinks will keep him safe when he votes against combat pay for those in harm's way, a cost-of-living increase for deceased troops survivors, jobs and suicide prevention programs for returning vets.
If you LOOK the part, you don't actually have to take any action, doncha know.
He's a Vietnam, Gulf war and Iraq veteran.
He's seen some things, man…and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it.
All I have for show and tell, is 'tell' since not hava photo phone thingy………
Sign in front of local church from a certain angle has a utility pole blocking part of it , so what is 'Fund Kick Off ' [moneez I guess] reads
Fu ck Off
So his teachers' union card didn't keep him from being fired for cause. Funny how the system works. Good to see he found a home in the modern Republican Party, where being an incompetent jerk makes you a candidate for national office.
I wonder if some of this is personal anger mixed with his idiocy; he sees other teachers the union defended who he thinks didn't deserve it, and yet the union refused to defend him when he was just being a horrible monster to the kids; or as he thinks it, being tough and treating them like they deserved.
McCotter looks like this homeless man in my town that dresses up like a clown (sans facepaint) and juggles in front of the bus stop, across the street from the local Red Lobster.
That might BE McCotter.
I just looked up Dr. Syed Taj. What an adorable little man! I might send him a little donation for solidarity.
"Oakland County Executive L. Brooks Patterson. . . said Bentivolio's views — including turning border control over to the U.S. Marines — were too extreme. After Bentivolio won the primary, Patterson said he'd support him for the November election."
Of course he did. Another RINO terrified of the teatards.
Dude makes the Baby Jeebus cry Frenching Prancer like that.
Better to be frenching prancer than to be a prancing frencher!! Or something.
At least the pressure will finally be off Marcus and he can come out.
All that pressure makes him want to burst.
Why would someone run a reindeer farm? For meat, milk or Santa?
Sex.
I can see by the pix he is topless, I'm guessing he's bottomless too, except for the ever-present pair of gum boots. (My apologies to the vast majority of you who weren't raised on a farm.)
Gumboots?! Obligatory! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0Q51WVrR40
Okay, but of course my reference was more to the shepherd-wearing stuff the sheep's back legs down the top of the boot and fuck them sort of reference. You know, sex….Republican style.
Oh. These are Allen West's terms and conditions, I assume.
Non-Negotiable!
Does the Christianist community in Michigan know about the Godless mockery in the "Reindeer Facts" on Bentivolio's website?! http://www.oldfashionsanta.org/Newspaper_Articles…
How is this possible, when God created North America precisely 6,000 years ago?!
Not only does Bentivolio receive his Judas-profit from the idolatry around the Papist St. Nicholas, his reindeer rut on our Savior's birth and issue their hellspawn when we celebrate His sacrifice. This Apostasy of Inversion is worse than an upside-down Crucifix!!
This is one of those guys who runs around thundering, "We are not a democracy! We're a Republic!" God realizes the gene pool made too many of them, and is issuing a recall.
Dr. Taj seems like an amiable fellow! He is offering a free consultation on your Low Testosterone issues with a $100 campaign contribution. http://www.tajforcongress.com
wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann.
maybe it's just me, but i am inclined to think congress will be just fine.
Stories like this make me so glad that Jesus' Own Constitution insists on single-member districts like this.
A TeaTard male (?) teacher union thug with a girl's name. Ima very suspicious about this.
So that's the jerk who ran over grandma?
It is to my undying embarrassment that due to re-districting, this idiot jagoff could wind up as my congressman. Go Dr. Taj!
Tears of a clown.
While it's not two to the fighting eighth power, the "fighting 11th" district may prove to be a mighty squadron for the brave Bentivolio. I may have to write an epic poem about it.
This isn't a "heavily Republican" district, which is why it's possible that the Good (Muslin) Doctor could actually win the seat. But, thanks again, Jeff, for trying to make it look like Michigan is actually Mississippi with snow and actual industry.
BTW, Dr. Taj isn't exactly "some guy" and he's not underfunded. He's an elected official (atownship trustee) in one of the large suburbs (nearly 100,000 people) of the district.
Wow. The pudding cup beard made me think he was pretty cool, but then he talked and got boring immediately. Fortunately the "audience" reaction shots made it much more tolerable.
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