NO WOMAN NO CRY  12:20 pm October 2, 2012

Future Michigan Tea Party Congressman Will Rescue Us From A Bachmann-Less Future

by Jeff Wattrick

Kerry Bentivolio, rightThe only thing the Michigan legislature hates more than vaginas is a contested Congressional race. That’s why they cold gerrymandered the district map for guys like Thad McCotter. So long as he collected 1000 nominating signatures every couple years, he could’ve stayed in Congress forever. But McCotter’s inability to even plausibly forge petitions led to his resignation and the probable imprisonment of his staff. Sad.

Fortunately for voters in Michigan’s fighting 11th District, brave hero Kerry Bentivolio was there to save the day. As the only Republican on the ballot in this heavily Republican district, Bentivolio will likely go to Congress by default. Also his opponent Syed Taj, in addition to being a damned dirty Democrat, is a (not-at-all secret) Muslim and a doctor. To many 11th District voters, Taj is basically an Obamacare death panel personified.

Bentivolio, when he’s not running a reindeer farm or trying to make children cry, is busy not attending League of Women Voter’s candidate forums. He had a prior engagment, you guys. To do important stuff or whatever. Like avoiding virtually all contact with the media and the 11th District GOP caucus.

Besides, where does it say in the Constitution that women are even allowed vote? No, not that watered-down second draft from 1920. The original version.

And that thing about making children cry is no joke. Once upon a time, Bentivolio was a public school science teacher/moocher/union thug who literally began the school year by telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry.

Bentivolio figured that any teacher’s union bargaining for work rules that protect the job of an unhinged sadist like Kerry Bentivolio must be no good. That’s why he’s a Tea Party darling who thinks that unions are terrible in every way.

Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann. It is a future almost too awful to imagine. Fear not. Even if that unholy fate were to befall this blog, Michigan has got your back. A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy. [Freep]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 148 comments }

CrunchyKnee October 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Michigan, where the Tea-Tards are just the right size.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Bentivolio

I played him on stage! Twelfth Night! What an asshole!

And the character was pretty dopey, too.

PugglesRule October 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Maybe you played Bentivolio and this guy should be named Malvolio?

prommie October 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

malvolio libel!

fuflans October 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

i would like to see you in yellow stockings.

ThankYouJeebus October 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I thought Bentivolio was the new size at Starbucks.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I thought it was a new birth defect

Same thing, I guess.

OneDollarJuana October 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

So hot it makes you cry.

Then it tastes like reindeer piss.

rickmaci October 2, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Isn't that the new super small size?

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Let me be the first to say: Kerry Corniholio?

Stevola October 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"I need TP for my bunghole!"

GunToting[Redacted] October 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

It's Michigan, so shouldn't it be "I need UP for my bunghole" ?

rickmaci October 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Beavis libel.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Bentivolio, when he’s not running a reindeer farm

Michigan, where men are men and reindeer are surprisingly not horny at all.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm

SANTA LIBEL

EatsBabyDingos October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Kerry is so very…tea douchebaggy.

zumpie October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Well, at least Munster will have a nice, new little friend to cry with when he's told to shut up and sent to the far back benches. Assuming he keeps his congressional seat, that is.

Also, too—does that reindeer head do double duty as Mrs. Bentivolio?

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Are you suggesting…..skull-fucking?

zumpie October 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Or something, they sure look cozy, don't they?

Baconzgood October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry"

Big deal. There isn't a day I don't the Baconz spawn that at least twice. "Man up" I tell them "you're 7 and 8 now! You're cry baby pussy time is over you weak little kids"

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I saw that movie, with Duvall in the title role—"The Great Bacontini." Good flick.

Baconzgood October 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Hey if your going to have a roll model as to how to raise your kids go Bull.

Biff October 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Best bailiff evar!

Goonemeritus October 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I started getting my kid into shape when he was 6 months old by bouncing a Nerf basketball off his forehead.

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"What, you've got a shitty diaper? Toughen up, buttercup. That's it, squirt me some tears. Cry cry cry."

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Bouncing the pork loin off the kid's forehead was over the line!!

Terry October 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

My father used to give us speeches about growing up in the Depression.

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I thought making the children cry was the perk of being a teacher.

Not_So_Much October 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Right? One doesn't go into that profession for the sweet paycheck or douchecanoe parents.

BoatOfVelociraptors October 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Making the teacher cry is a perk of being in the gifted program.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"You didn't really want to go to Harvard, now did you?"

anniegetyerfun October 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

It's honestly the only reason I want to be a parent.

Baconzgood October 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The beatings are a bonus too, also. Nothing like slapping them around after an aggravating day at work.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Wait I thought you didn't go to Catholic school with the nuns too?

Fare la Volpe October 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

No, but she kept the uniform just the same.

PsycWench October 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

He probably thought he was only helping the girls learn a technique that will allow them to manipulate their husbands later.

Lascauxcaveman October 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Uh oh. He turned down the League of Women Voters?

Hell hath no fury like a woman voter scorned.

AddHomonym October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Reindeer farm? How do they wield the hoes and stuff, with those hoofs?

deanbooth October 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

It's hard out there for a reindeer pimp.

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Kerry Perivolio – "I Kissed a Moose."

zumpie October 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

And I liked it

MistaEko October 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

"And I liked it."

PeaceWithHonor October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Can we just assume that he likes the boys?

OneDollarJuana October 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

And animals.

Stevola October 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm

That's a buck on the wall, so…

ManchuCandidate October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh Teabagger, my Teabagger!

In the Teabagger version of Dead Poets Society, the teacher inspires all the students to think about committing suicide but instead ambush him in the teachers parking lot armed with soap bar stuffed socks.

mrblifil October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

You had me at "bottomless."

memzilla October 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The only union I'm against is one that produces baby Teabagganists.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

And the one between Kerry and that caribou.

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Ain't nothing hotter than a shirtless man playing kissie-face with a dead carcass.

FakaktaSouth October 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I had no idea that dog-tags and baseball caps only was the required outfit for getting deer head.

terriblyfamous October 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I read this interaction differently. Looks to me like he's about to be giving the deer head.

prommie October 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I always wondered what is the fucking huge fascination with hunting, but now I get it. Still I can't help but think that deer would be bad at it, thats a toothy ruminant with no lips to speak of, a recipe for a real dick-shredding.

edgydrifter October 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Putin certainly thinks so.

Baconzgood October 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I wonder if it's the same reindeer place that Moe and Barney broke into with Homer to show Bart how to be a man?

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm
edgydrifter October 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Jesus Christ. Your move, Crazytown USA.

PugglesRule October 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

There seem to be a lot of crazies in Michigan. Must be due to the height of the trees.

Lot_49 October 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Somewhere in Alabama or Arizona, a future congressional candidate is saying, "I can do better than that!"

GunToting[Redacted] October 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Fuck. *heads for the basement*

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Candidates in the simultaneous races for full and partial terms representing Michigan's 11th Congressional District tackled jobs, among a host of hot-button issues Monday at a candidate forum at Plymouth District Library.

*raising hand*

Um, Editrix? I have a question…

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 2:50 am

You see, we have to hold the special election for the empty seat, so they scheduled it on the same day as he general election to save money. The winner of the special will serve until January for the previously drawn district getting benefits for serving for two months.

ImForMitt! October 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

The partial term was aborted,

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

"A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy"

Wait, would Congress let him in if he comes in bottomless, just flapping in the breeze?

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

In the House it's okay. Only the Senate has the Vitter Rule requiring diapers.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 12:31 am

Aunt Lindsey would invite him over for ham biscuits.

Not_So_Much October 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I call bullshit. If he really loved 'Murka and the Party of Bagged Tea, he would be ripping the jugular out of that reindeer with his teeth. What a pussy.

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

It's good to know who's in the on-deck circle.

SnarkOff October 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

My vagina haz a sad.

actor212 October 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Well, now, you just turn that frown upside down there, Missy!

SnarkOff October 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Oddly, a lot of men say that to me.

deanbooth October 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I hope it's not crying, making your panties all moist and stuff.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Might I suggest something from the Shoe Box™ "Cheer – Vagina" section?

terriblyfamous October 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

This Syed Taj person must have some serious balls to run in that district. Maybe he's running on a dare?

littlebigdaddy October 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Is it Kumar in disguise?

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 12:34 am

He looks like half the doctors now working in hospitals in urban America. http://www.tajforcongress.com/

schvitzatura October 3, 2012 at 9:43 am

Muzzies invading the 11th from Dearborn by way of Livonia? Part of global expansion of Islam Inc., right?

Gates of Vienna thingee?

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Hey, a reindeer farm in Michigan doesn't sound any more bizarre than a dental floss ranch in Montana.

RedneckMuslin October 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I want to be a dental floss tycoon!

Beowoof October 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I have full confidence in the Teapublicans to keep the freak parade fully staffed and marching up and down Pennsylvania Avenue.

chascates October 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I blame the hole in the ozone for creating all of these lunatics.

ManchuCandidate October 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Eating lead paint chips

terriblyfamous October 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Nah, it's probably because of vaccines.

Radiotherapy October 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The buck stops here.

KeepFnThatChicken October 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Nine months later, school administrators reprimanded him for intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.

Oh, come on. Hit 'em, you big pussy.

Terry October 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Jeeze louise, he's from a town not far from Detroit. I bet you he's best friends with that looney woman from Troy.

CrunchyKnee October 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Rudolph wept.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Show me on the antler where Bentivolio touched you.

MoeDeLawn October 2, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Thise aren't tears on Rudolph, that's rain.

And he knows it, because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

"Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann."

So, will the reindeer head be playing the part of Marcus Bachmann?

SayItWithWookies October 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

We'll still have Darrell Issa and Jim Inhoffe and that guy who apologized to BP — it's not like it's gonna some sort of wasteland of sanity out there.

gullywompr October 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I look forward to the day when there is no insanity left for Wonkette to… Sorry, I was laughing too hard to finish writing that sentence.

Lot_49 October 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Louie Gohmert! Steve King! Peter King! Debbie Wasserman-Schultz!

No, wait–she's hot.

shelwood46 October 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

As of last week, Steve King was in a statistical dead heat in Iowa. I guess when voters there found out it was legal to kidnap and rape 12-year-olds, they decided they wanted a Congressman who would actually do something about that. Also, maybe perhaps being pro dog fighting is hard sell.

weejee October 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Playing reindeer gamez?

sudsmckenzie October 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

That is the historic moment he came up with his 8 point plan.

Chow Yun Flat October 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Bentivolio told the League of Women Voters of Northwest Wayne County that he had a prior commitment

He was waxing his reindeer.

Lot_49 October 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Is that what we're calling it these days?

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Shining that nose.

Baconzgood October 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Those reindeer in the parade on his site give me the sadz.

MissTaken October 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

That's a LIVE reindeer he's snuggling with. I thought it was a mounted head. Who the hell snuggles with a live reindeer with no clothes on and then posts the picture on a business website??

And yes, the parade reindeer look miserable. I'm sure the children he taught in school looked the same.

KeepFnThatChicken October 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

And we still haven't heard a lot from Tennessee congressmen lately. After the election, they can start legislating whether history happened or not again. Plenty of yuks ahead!

bureaucrap October 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Are you sure about "bottomless"? He looks like a BOB (Big Ol' Bottom) to me. The kissy-face with the reindeer says, "Play out my Catherine the Great fantasy!" all over it.

freakishlywrong October 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

We're shuffling more assholes in and out of the house than a gay bordello.

TribecaMike October 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Worst "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" episode ever.

sudsmckenzie October 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Richard Mulligan libel!

TribecaMike October 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I changed my "Soap" reference to "MH, MH" but you're absolutely right. Burt Campbell lives!

Estproph October 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

2 years of bottomless unintentional comedy? By "comedy" you mean things that make you weep and stabby, right?

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The reindeer he raises are used by Republican Santa to fly around the country on Christmas Eve to give take away school lunches, health insurance, decent education, and WIC cards from poor children.

♫ Rudolph, the red state reindeer
Had a very shiny etc etc etc ♪

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

So he likes to make children cry? But when the children cry,
Let them know we tried
'Cause when the children sing
Then the new world begins

'Cause you were born
Into this evil world
Where man is killing man
And no one knows just why
What have we become?
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Is this one of Herman Cain's?

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

White Lion! Does no one remember the classics?

OneYieldRegular October 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I believe it is beneath Wonkette standards to threaten "two years of bottomless unintentional comedy" without the usual assurances that this will involve Bentivolio actually being caught bottomless.

BaldarTFlagass October 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm

And what's with the dog tags? Is he planning on being in combat soon? Poseur.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 2, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I like the fact that they're riveted to his chest.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 12:40 am

It's a talisman he thinks will keep him safe when he votes against combat pay for those in harm's way, a cost-of-living increase for deceased troops survivors, jobs and suicide prevention programs for returning vets.

If you LOOK the part, you don't actually have to take any action, doncha know.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 2:53 am

He's a Vietnam, Gulf war and Iraq veteran.

He's seen some things, man…and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it.

Blueb4sinrise October 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

All I have for show and tell, is 'tell' since not hava photo phone thingy………
Sign in front of local church from a certain angle has a utility pole blocking part of it , so what is 'Fund Kick Off ' [moneez I guess] reads
Fu ck Off

GeorgiaBurning October 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

So his teachers' union card didn't keep him from being fired for cause. Funny how the system works. Good to see he found a home in the modern Republican Party, where being an incompetent jerk makes you a candidate for national office.

SorosBot October 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I wonder if some of this is personal anger mixed with his idiocy; he sees other teachers the union defended who he thinks didn't deserve it, and yet the union refused to defend him when he was just being a horrible monster to the kids; or as he thinks it, being tough and treating them like they deserved.

Peckerwood_Pete October 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

McCotter looks like this homeless man in my town that dresses up like a clown (sans facepaint) and juggles in front of the bus stop, across the street from the local Red Lobster.

Jukesgrrl October 3, 2012 at 12:40 am

That might BE McCotter.

vulpes82 October 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I just looked up Dr. Syed Taj. What an adorable little man! I might send him a little donation for solidarity.

dr_giraud October 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

"Oakland County Executive L. Brooks Patterson. . . said Bentivolio's views — including turning border control over to the U.S. Marines — were too extreme. After Bentivolio won the primary, Patterson said he'd support him for the November election."

Of course he did. Another RINO terrified of the teatards.

cousinitt October 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Dude makes the Baby Jeebus cry Frenching Prancer like that.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Better to be frenching prancer than to be a prancing frencher!! Or something.

barto October 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

At least the pressure will finally be off Marcus and he can come out.

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

All that pressure makes him want to burst.

Maman October 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Why would someone run a reindeer farm? For meat, milk or Santa?

Esteev October 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Sex.

ttommyunger October 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I can see by the pix he is topless, I'm guessing he's bottomless too, except for the ever-present pair of gum boots. (My apologies to the vast majority of you who weren't raised on a farm.)

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm
ttommyunger October 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Okay, but of course my reference was more to the shepherd-wearing stuff the sheep's back legs down the top of the boot and fuck them sort of reference. You know, sex….Republican style.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Oh. These are Allen West's terms and conditions, I assume.

ttommyunger October 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Non-Negotiable!

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Does the Christianist community in Michigan know about the Godless mockery in the "Reindeer Facts" on Bentivolio's website?! http://www.oldfashionsanta.org/Newspaper_Articles

Caribou and Reindeer are close cousins. During the last ice age melt (about 10,000 years ago) the ocean levels increased separating both the North American and Asian continents. The great herds could no longer co-mingle. The North American breed is about 10-20% greater in size.

How is this possible, when God created North America precisely 6,000 years ago?!

A Reindeer's gestration period is 8 months and usually give birth around Easter…For male reindeer the antlers fall off around the month of December after the annual mating season known as the "rut".

Not only does Bentivolio receive his Judas-profit from the idolatry around the Papist St. Nicholas, his reindeer rut on our Savior's birth and issue their hellspawn when we celebrate His sacrifice. This Apostasy of Inversion is worse than an upside-down Crucifix!!

owhatever October 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

This is one of those guys who runs around thundering, "We are not a democracy! We're a Republic!" God realizes the gene pool made too many of them, and is issuing a recall.

Chet Kincaid_ October 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Dr. Taj seems like an amiable fellow! He is offering a free consultation on your Low Testosterone issues with a $100 campaign contribution. http://www.tajforcongress.com

fuflans October 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann.

maybe it's just me, but i am inclined to think congress will be just fine.

Guppy October 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Stories like this make me so glad that Jesus' Own Constitution insists on single-member districts like this.

rickmaci October 2, 2012 at 2:28 pm

A TeaTard male (?) teacher union thug with a girl's name. Ima very suspicious about this.

mavenmaven October 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm

So that's the jerk who ran over grandma?

PuckStopsHere October 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

It is to my undying embarrassment that due to re-districting, this idiot jagoff could wind up as my congressman. Go Dr. Taj!

DahBoner October 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Tears of a clown.

ChapterUndVerse October 3, 2012 at 1:01 am

While it's not two to the fighting eighth power, the "fighting 11th" district may prove to be a mighty squadron for the brave Bentivolio. I may have to write an epic poem about it.

Negropolis October 3, 2012 at 2:45 am

This isn't a "heavily Republican" district, which is why it's possible that the Good (Muslin) Doctor could actually win the seat. But, thanks again, Jeff, for trying to make it look like Michigan is actually Mississippi with snow and actual industry.

BTW, Dr. Taj isn't exactly "some guy" and he's not underfunded. He's an elected official (atownship trustee) in one of the large suburbs (nearly 100,000 people) of the district.

MoeDeLawn October 2, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Wow. The pudding cup beard made me think he was pretty cool, but then he talked and got boring immediately. Fortunately the "audience" reaction shots made it much more tolerable.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: