no woman no cry

Future Michigan Tea Party Congressman Will Rescue Us From A Bachmann-Less Future

Kerry Bentivolio, rightThe only thing the Michigan legislature hates more than vaginas is a contested Congressional race. That’s why they cold gerrymandered the district map for guys like Thad McCotter. So long as he collected 1000 nominating signatures every couple years, he could’ve stayed in Congress forever. But McCotter’s inability to even plausibly forge petitions led to his resignation and the probable imprisonment of his staff. Sad.

Fortunately for voters in Michigan’s fighting 11th District, brave hero Kerry Bentivolio was there to save the day. As the only Republican on the ballot in this heavily Republican district, Bentivolio will likely go to Congress by default. Also his opponent Syed Taj, in addition to being a damned dirty Democrat, is a (not-at-all secret) Muslim and a doctor. To many 11th District voters, Taj is basically an Obamacare death panel personified.

Bentivolio, when he’s not running a reindeer farm or trying to make children cry, is busy not attending League of Women Voter’s candidate forums. He had a prior engagment, you guys. To do important stuff or whatever. Like avoiding virtually all contact with the media and the 11th District GOP caucus.

Besides, where does it say in the Constitution that women are even allowed vote? No, not that watered-down second draft from 1920. The original version.

And that thing about making children cry is no joke. Once upon a time, Bentivolio was a public school science teacher/moocher/union thug who literally began the school year by telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry.

Bentivolio figured that any teacher’s union bargaining for work rules that protect the job of an unhinged sadist like Kerry Bentivolio must be no good. That’s why he’s a Tea Party darling who thinks that unions are terrible in every way.

Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann. It is a future almost too awful to imagine. Fear not. Even if that unholy fate were to befall this blog, Michigan has got your back. A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy. [Freep]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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  1. zumpie

    Well, at least Munster will have a nice, new little friend to cry with when he's told to shut up and sent to the far back benches. Assuming he keeps his congressional seat, that is.

    Also, too—does that reindeer head do double duty as Mrs. Bentivolio?

  2. Baconzgood

    "telling his students that he fully intended to make them all cry"

    Big deal. There isn't a day I don't the Baconz spawn that at least twice. "Man up" I tell them "you're 7 and 8 now! You're cry baby pussy time is over you weak little kids"

      1. Goonemeritus

        I started getting my kid into shape when he was 6 months old by bouncing a Nerf basketball off his forehead.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          "What, you've got a shitty diaper? Toughen up, buttercup. That's it, squirt me some tears. Cry cry cry."

          1. MoeDeLawn

            Wow. The pudding cup beard made me think he was pretty cool, but then he talked and got boring immediately. Fortunately the "audience" reaction shots made it much more tolerable.

      1. Baconzgood

        The beatings are a bonus too, also. Nothing like slapping them around after an aggravating day at work.

    1. PsycWench

      He probably thought he was only helping the girls learn a technique that will allow them to manipulate their husbands later.

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    Uh oh. He turned down the League of Women Voters?

    Hell hath no fury like a woman voter scorned.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Oh Teabagger, my Teabagger!

    In the Teabagger version of Dead Poets Society, the teacher inspires all the students to think about committing suicide but instead ambush him in the teachers parking lot armed with soap bar stuffed socks.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I had no idea that dog-tags and baseball caps only was the required outfit for getting deer head.

      1. terriblyfamous

        I read this interaction differently. Looks to me like he's about to be giving the deer head.

      2. prommie

        I always wondered what is the fucking huge fascination with hunting, but now I get it. Still I can't help but think that deer would be bad at it, thats a toothy ruminant with no lips to speak of, a recipe for a real dick-shredding.

  5. Baconzgood

    I wonder if it's the same reindeer place that Moe and Barney broke into with Homer to show Bart how to be a man?

    1. Lot_49

      Somewhere in Alabama or Arizona, a future congressional candidate is saying, "I can do better than that!"

  6. actor212

    Candidates in the simultaneous races for full and partial terms representing Michigan's 11th Congressional District tackled jobs, among a host of hot-button issues Monday at a candidate forum at Plymouth District Library.

    *raising hand*

    Um, Editrix? I have a question…

    1. Negropolis

      You see, we have to hold the special election for the empty seat, so they scheduled it on the same day as he general election to save money. The winner of the special will serve until January for the previously drawn district getting benefits for serving for two months.

  7. SorosBot

    "A Congressman Kerry Bentivolio should yield two years of bottomless unintentional comedy"

    Wait, would Congress let him in if he comes in bottomless, just flapping in the breeze?

  8. Not_So_Much

    I call bullshit. If he really loved 'Murka and the Party of Bagged Tea, he would be ripping the jugular out of that reindeer with his teeth. What a pussy.

  9. terriblyfamous

    This Syed Taj person must have some serious balls to run in that district. Maybe he's running on a dare?

    1. schvitzatura

      Muzzies invading the 11th from Dearborn by way of Livonia? Part of global expansion of Islam Inc., right?

      Gates of Vienna thingee?

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, a reindeer farm in Michigan doesn't sound any more bizarre than a dental floss ranch in Montana.

  11. Beowoof

    I have full confidence in the Teapublicans to keep the freak parade fully staffed and marching up and down Pennsylvania Avenue.

  12. KeepFnThatChicken

    Nine months later, school administrators reprimanded him for intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.

    Oh, come on. Hit 'em, you big pussy.

  13. Terry

    Jeeze louise, he's from a town not far from Detroit. I bet you he's best friends with that looney woman from Troy.

    1. MoeDeLawn

      Thise aren't tears on Rudolph, that's rain.

      And he knows it, because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    "Wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann."

    So, will the reindeer head be playing the part of Marcus Bachmann?

    1. gullywompr

      I look forward to the day when there is no insanity left for Wonkette to… Sorry, I was laughing too hard to finish writing that sentence.

      1. shelwood46

        As of last week, Steve King was in a statistical dead heat in Iowa. I guess when voters there found out it was legal to kidnap and rape 12-year-olds, they decided they wanted a Congressman who would actually do something about that. Also, maybe perhaps being pro dog fighting is hard sell.

    1. MissTaken

      That's a LIVE reindeer he's snuggling with. I thought it was a mounted head. Who the hell snuggles with a live reindeer with no clothes on and then posts the picture on a business website??

      And yes, the parade reindeer look miserable. I'm sure the children he taught in school looked the same.

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    And we still haven't heard a lot from Tennessee congressmen lately. After the election, they can start legislating whether history happened or not again. Plenty of yuks ahead!

  16. bureaucrap

    Are you sure about "bottomless"? He looks like a BOB (Big Ol' Bottom) to me. The kissy-face with the reindeer says, "Play out my Catherine the Great fantasy!" all over it.

      1. TribecaMike

        I changed my "Soap" reference to "MH, MH" but you're absolutely right. Burt Campbell lives!

  17. Estproph

    2 years of bottomless unintentional comedy? By "comedy" you mean things that make you weep and stabby, right?

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    The reindeer he raises are used by Republican Santa to fly around the country on Christmas Eve to give take away school lunches, health insurance, decent education, and WIC cards from poor children.

    ♫ Rudolph, the red state reindeer
    Had a very shiny etc etc etc ♪

  19. SorosBot

    So he likes to make children cry? But when the children cry,
    Let them know we tried
    'Cause when the children sing
    Then the new world begins

    'Cause you were born
    Into this evil world
    Where man is killing man
    And no one knows just why
    What have we become?
    Just look what we have done
    All that we destroyed
    You must build again

  20. OneYieldRegular

    I believe it is beneath Wonkette standards to threaten "two years of bottomless unintentional comedy" without the usual assurances that this will involve Bentivolio actually being caught bottomless.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      It's a talisman he thinks will keep him safe when he votes against combat pay for those in harm's way, a cost-of-living increase for deceased troops survivors, jobs and suicide prevention programs for returning vets.

      If you LOOK the part, you don't actually have to take any action, doncha know.

    2. Negropolis

      He's a Vietnam, Gulf war and Iraq veteran.

      He's seen some things, man…and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it.

  21. Blueb4sinrise

    All I have for show and tell, is 'tell' since not hava photo phone thingy………
    Sign in front of local church from a certain angle has a utility pole blocking part of it , so what is 'Fund Kick Off ' [moneez I guess] reads
    Fu ck Off

  22. GeorgiaBurning

    So his teachers' union card didn't keep him from being fired for cause. Funny how the system works. Good to see he found a home in the modern Republican Party, where being an incompetent jerk makes you a candidate for national office.

    1. SorosBot

      I wonder if some of this is personal anger mixed with his idiocy; he sees other teachers the union defended who he thinks didn't deserve it, and yet the union refused to defend him when he was just being a horrible monster to the kids; or as he thinks it, being tough and treating them like they deserved.

  23. Peckerwood_Pete

    McCotter looks like this homeless man in my town that dresses up like a clown (sans facepaint) and juggles in front of the bus stop, across the street from the local Red Lobster.

  24. vulpes82

    I just looked up Dr. Syed Taj. What an adorable little man! I might send him a little donation for solidarity.

  25. dr_giraud

    "Oakland County Executive L. Brooks Patterson. . . said Bentivolio's views — including turning border control over to the U.S. Marines — were too extreme. After Bentivolio won the primary, Patterson said he'd support him for the November election."

    Of course he did. Another RINO terrified of the teatards.

  26. ttommyunger

    I can see by the pix he is topless, I'm guessing he's bottomless too, except for the ever-present pair of gum boots. (My apologies to the vast majority of you who weren't raised on a farm.)

      1. ttommyunger

        Okay, but of course my reference was more to the shepherd-wearing stuff the sheep's back legs down the top of the boot and fuck them sort of reference. You know, sex….Republican style.

  27. Chet Kincaid_

    Does the Christianist community in Michigan know about the Godless mockery in the "Reindeer Facts" on Bentivolio's website?!

    Caribou and Reindeer are close cousins. During the last ice age melt (about 10,000 years ago) the ocean levels increased separating both the North American and Asian continents. The great herds could no longer co-mingle. The North American breed is about 10-20% greater in size.

    How is this possible, when God created North America precisely 6,000 years ago?!

    A Reindeer's gestration period is 8 months and usually give birth around Easter…For male reindeer the antlers fall off around the month of December after the annual mating season known as the "rut".

    Not only does Bentivolio receive his Judas-profit from the idolatry around the Papist St. Nicholas, his reindeer rut on our Savior's birth and issue their hellspawn when we celebrate His sacrifice. This Apostasy of Inversion is worse than an upside-down Crucifix!!

  28. owhatever

    This is one of those guys who runs around thundering, "We are not a democracy! We're a Republic!" God realizes the gene pool made too many of them, and is issuing a recall.

  29. fuflans

    wonketeers have been understandably worried about a Congress without Allen West and Michele Bachmann.

    maybe it's just me, but i am inclined to think congress will be just fine.

  30. Guppy

    Stories like this make me so glad that Jesus' Own Constitution insists on single-member districts like this.

  31. PuckStopsHere

    It is to my undying embarrassment that due to re-districting, this idiot jagoff could wind up as my congressman. Go Dr. Taj!

  32. ChapterUndVerse

    While it's not two to the fighting eighth power, the "fighting 11th" district may prove to be a mighty squadron for the brave Bentivolio. I may have to write an epic poem about it.

  33. Negropolis

    This isn't a "heavily Republican" district, which is why it's possible that the Good (Muslin) Doctor could actually win the seat. But, thanks again, Jeff, for trying to make it look like Michigan is actually Mississippi with snow and actual industry.

    BTW, Dr. Taj isn't exactly "some guy" and he's not underfunded. He's an elected official (atownship trustee) in one of the large suburbs (nearly 100,000 people) of the district.

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