THAT'S NO LADY THAT'S MY WIFE  4:02 pm October 1, 2012

What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

this is the kind of freaky deaky we can get behindNever let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged.

The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”

He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”

Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

And he signs off: “Get ready!”

Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

    Scat play.
    Pegging.
    Eyes-closed, procreative missionary, because Allen West is creepy and lame and hates women.

Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy? We are sorry, but losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand.

[GossipExtra]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 241 comments }

Barbara_ October 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I love the movie depicted in the picture above, Secretary. James Spader can take me out for pancakes anytime.

Guppy October 1, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Yes, was an enjoyable movie.

Or so I've heard. In my Bible study group. With orphans.

ttommyunger October 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"Secretary" right? Great little movie with a truly happy ending proving that two seriously damaged people can find happiness together, but I've been married 32 years, so I already knew that, also, too.

Meathamper October 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I must have missed this issue of Penthouse Letters.

Boojum October 1, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I had to look up "pegging".

Gleem McShineys October 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm

In your Penthouse collection? Issue #325, right?

Designer_Rants October 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm

It didn't meet the Bob Guccione Standard.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"as it has been far too long since we purged. "

But all you need is to look at Naked Hairy Gun Man from below and you'll have to do that.

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Any time you need a visual emetic, that pic is a good go-to.

Callyson October 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Not to mention any day you don't have time for a masturbation break.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I think it will be a few days before I can get an erection again.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I dunno. If you ignore what the text says, the image of Maggie Gyllenhall gagged with a carrot is actually rather stimulating.

BornInATrailer October 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Ugh. Not sure the mental imagery is an improvement upon the previous story's actual imagery. Be careful what you wish for I guess.

Come here a minute October 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Allen West is nothing if not a man who speaks his mind. The only conclusion to draw is that there is a vast trove of super-hardcore God-fearing pornographic films starring Allen West's wife.

jjdaddyo October 1, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I think the first paragraph of the letter read: "It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again", because he's crazy romantic like that.

Mojopo October 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"Angela, you are my porn star. From now on, I want you to wear open toed sandals!"

Two piece bathing suits? FRAY KAY!

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

One girl, two cups.

Jus_Wonderin October 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Ah, the stick and the carrot approach. I thought the carrot is supposed to be a challenge.

GortRay October 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Sometimes a carrot is just a carrot.

Tangled sin tax October 2, 2012 at 12:10 am

Eh, what's up, doc?

ChillBill October 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

No woman can do what Allen really wants.

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Although given pegging is on the list, he expects them to try.

Barrelhse October 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Not without a strap-on.

wolvenwood13 October 2, 2012 at 12:28 am

No woman WOULD WANT to do the things Allen really wants.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Not gonna be able to masturbate to this one, either. Nope, nosiree.

Baconzgood October 1, 2012 at 4:24 pm

It's a tough one. Just think of Salma Hayek.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

The most common uncomfortable porn star acts I see are the woman continuing to wear giant stiletto heels all through sex, and the video almost always ending with the guy pulling out and coming all over her face, which is really not sexy at all but just degrading and wrong.

Or, I mean, they would be if I ever watched porn, which of course I don't.

Jus_Wonderin October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I haven't seen that one either.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Seen what?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Something called porn. I assume it must be a Kenyan thing.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Porn? Sounds like something you'd give the kids on Halloween.

"Trick or treat!"

"Those are great costumes! Here, have some porn!"

UW8316154 October 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Good thing it isn't available on the internets.

BornInATrailer October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"which is really not sexy at all but just degrading and wrong."

You lost me.

jjdaddyo October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Yeah, but in Alen's wife's case, she doesn't get the come all over her face because she's wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.

SmutBoffin October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

He denies her his essence.

GunToting[Redacted] October 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Funny, because West is also wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

What. Stilettos are uncomfortable? I mean, she's not walking in them…

teebob2000 October 1, 2012 at 5:23 pm

"uncomfortable porn star acts"

Then you're watching the wrong kinda porn. Let's just say "gape" and leave it at that.

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Amen. It's right up there with audible sucking noises and gagging until the sucker hacks. Some people are just fucked in the head.

Gleem McShineys October 1, 2012 at 6:28 pm

ISWYDT

(I've Seen What You Did There)

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Oh yeah, that thing which I have also not seen and am completely unfamiliar with.

nounverb911 October 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Nein, nein, no more schnitzen gruben!

Jukesgrrl October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

A woman had sex with Allen West? Are there some kind of survivor benefits to cover that?

Callyson October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

GI bill, so she can go to school and support herself in some other fashion.

wolvenwood13 October 2, 2012 at 12:29 am

No. No one's ever survived.

Lucidamente1 October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

It was all going fine until "God has authorized you."

SmutBoffin October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"Yep, got the work order from the Holy Spirit just this morning."

tracyhasfun October 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Reminds me of Publisher's Clearing House.

kittensdontlie October 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm

And authorization came not from the Army, but from God for him to have people beaten and then shoot guns next to their heads.

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Nothing gets a pussy wetter than a theist mandate.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Which is probably what gets Allen West off.

NorthStarSpanx October 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Agreed. Shared.

We don't even want to go anywhere near what Clarence Thomas writes to his wife when he's mute on the dais.

Hammiepants October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

You people are really trying to make sure I never desire sex again, aren't you?

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Let us all join together in happy thoughts… one-piece swimsuits, ladies on top, and not stopping until the participants' names have been called at least three times… there, see how nice it can be?

Also, fuck Allen West, preferably in some tender way that will make him see the er of his ass-headed ways.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I bet she's really happy that she married him.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

She is now, to be sure. I feel embarrassed for her a little.

Not much, cuz, you know, she married the guy of her own free will….

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm

As a conservative woman, I'd not at all be surprised to find out that she has deluded herself into believing that.

stefanbc October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

The answer involves "enhanced interrogation of a detainee" cosplay. And then a hearty round of feltching. Always with the feltching.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.

If I'm his wife, I'm asking to see the decree.

Callyson October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

If I'm his wife, I'm asking to see the divorce lawyer.

zumpie October 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Not asking, announcing I'm seeing the divorce lawyer.

rickmaci October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Restraining order time.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

And she's legally entitled to half his military retirement pay. Ha ha!

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Like actor said. The decree absolute.

zippy_w_pinhead October 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

long form…

CindynEncinitas October 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Having just arrived from family court, I can tell you that it's going to take a long time for the clerk to process that request. It would be quicker to relocate to the Caribbean.

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It's in the Bible, of course.

Calapine October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

I am not anti-religion in any way, but guys bringing up god during sexy-talk are a huge turnoff.

GunToting[Redacted] October 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

"Jesus told me to fuck you raw."

Calapine October 2, 2012 at 12:38 am

That's acceptable. ;)

MosesInvests October 1, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Only acceptable religious reference during sexy-time: "OH GOD! OH MY GOD!"

no_gravity October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

Delivering a pizza.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

She fixes the cable?

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

And the shower.

SoBeach October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

She's applying for a modeling job.

zumpie October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Making the sammich, duh!!!

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Lounging by the pool, topless

krazyvladimir October 1, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Allen ???

Tundra Grifter October 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Answering the door not wearing very much when the milkman rings the bell.

elviouslyqueer October 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Expertise at ping pong, obvs.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Wow! We could have used her in Iraq! Is that what West meant by "artillery cannon"?

Meathamper October 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

She's sitting alone in an Eastern European subway train

Incitefully_Joe October 1, 2012 at 9:59 pm

or a crowded Japanese subway.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm

In my wayward youth, I worked at a dairy warehouse, Domino's, and as a pool repairman/maintenance guy. Yep, that's right, milkman, pizza guy, and pool guy. The triumvirate of porn jobs.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Make out with her girl friend while they are together getting ready to go out with their husbands/boyfriends?

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2012 at 5:30 pm

No no, this is Allen West, not Herman Cain!

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Going to the doctor for a routine check-up?

rickmaci October 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"And he signs off: “Get ready!”

Get ready, or what? And if she is not ready? Does she get the Iraqi POW treatment from him?

YouFail4eva October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Something about shooting a gun next to her head?

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

That's his idea of foreplay.

YasserArraFeck October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

It's marginally better than "Brace yourself!!"

ThankYouJeebus October 1, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Kablooie! Right by the face.

Callyson October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

For this asshole? Bukakke and double penetration. He's got to keep the Kochs happy after all…

nounverb911 October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Allen West? Sorry I thought you meant Woody Allen.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Pegging

Y'know, it's not often that, with my extensive and jaded in depth knowledge of terminology that I get one I've never seen before. I actually had to look that up. And now that I know what it means, I have to slap my forehead and go "DUH!"

no_gravity October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Same here. And, I liked the simplicity of the Urban Dictionary definition:

anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Wait, people don't know what pegging is? Jeez, young folks today, they forget all about the basics.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Listen, in my day we called it what it was:

Revenge

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:42 pm

ROTFLMAO!

SoBeach October 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I guess I'm really old and depraved. I remember when Dan Savage solicited suggestions from his readers on what word should describe that act. "Pegging" was suggested but he didn't like it because he has an aunt named Peg. But Pegging was the most popular so he went with it.

I hope he gets credit in the 2050 Webster's Unabridged.

Barrelhse October 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm

He should get his aunt a strap-on, dilemma solved.

GunToting[Redacted] October 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

OED libel.

Incitefully_Joe October 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Dan Savage is a national treasure. He's like a 21st-century Noah Webster, for the sex words.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

It's a fairly new term which was suggested and voted on in a Dan Savage column. So the word probably didn't exist back when you were doing the sex.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Last night? Wow, the Internet news cycle sure has gotten fast!

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Though the act certainly existed long before the term; I remember one guy in my high school getting lots of shit because he admitted to indulging in that.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Listen, the Shakers way back in the 1700s probably did that. Why do you think they were so good with pegs and dowels in their furniture???

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 1, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Great. I really need that image in my head next time I look at my parents coffee table.

Dudleydidwrong October 1, 2012 at 9:21 pm

New addition to my vocabulary, too. But then, I'm behind the times.

There's an old song from the early years of last century that came back in the 1940s, "Peg o' My Heart." Do you think? (Oh, those dirty old people…)

MissTaken October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.

Now, bitch, pull down your panties, it's time to party!

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Strange, I had him pegged as a bottom. (Pun not intended).

toaster_pastry October 1, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Are you sure MissTaken wasn't referring to Congressman West?.

zumpie October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Isn't that kinda what Maggie Gyllenhal just did for ALEC and the for profit charter school movement?

OzoneTom October 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

"Rep. West. I know James Spader. I have worked with James Spader. And you sir are no James Spader!"

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Luckily Teachers Unions are Horrible Monsters and Destroying Teachers' Job Security, Pay and Benefits Will Make All Children Smart was, like Atlas Shrugged and An American Carol before it, a miserable failure at the box office this weekend, coming in at number ten:
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/

OzoneTom October 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

"Atlas Flunked"?

horsedreamer_1 October 2, 2012 at 7:05 am

Huzzah!

FidoMcCokefiend October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Gagging.

I reflexively gag anytime I hear or see Allen West.

What were you thinking?

sudsmckenzie October 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

NOW its Cocktober – cheers everyone!

Jukesgrrl October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

And it's banned books week. Let's celebrate by banning those books Dok Zoom has been reading.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

"Lord Lieutenant in Nylons"?

mille derps October 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"…losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand."

I thought Wonkette was made of sterner stuff than this implies. It's not as if they will both take vows of silence if they lose. We can still mock them, it'll be okay…

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

But just think, Steve King is also not a shoo-in for re-election. The three most vocally insane members of Congress all being booted at once? The very thought of it! It's… it's… electrifying.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

And Joe Walsh is getting beaten by Tammy Duckworth.

PsycWench October 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm

We still make fun of Sarah Palin, don't we? She'l never running for anything again.

bikerlaureate October 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm

It's mourning in Amercia.

Baconzgood October 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?"
The old softy. What a romantic.

Blueb4sinrise October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

West then fired his pistol near his wife's head, after which she provided West with names and information, which she later described as "meaningless information induced by fear and pain."

BornInATrailer October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"Sex is only dirty if it's done right and God is watching."

-Woody Allen West

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hey, Allen?

Really, it's OK, you know: no woman no cry…

YouBetcha October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Sure honey, I'd love to be your personal porn star! In fact, I think you'll be quite pleased with my performance. The UPS guy has been helping me practice!

mille derps October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Mmmmm… root vegetables…

ThundercatHo October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"When does your plane land, baby?"

(Shoving clothes and valuables furiously into some suitcases)

Dashboard Buddha October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

There's not a day goes by where I learn more about these fuckers than I really want to know.

SmutBoffin October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

"Oh baby, I really want you to mock execute me, then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."

HAWT

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

"…then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."

Anyone who says my wife's (woefully worn-out) one-piece swimsuit isn't hot deserves nothing less than a slap in the face with a day-old fish.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

"Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy?"

I don't know. Maybe more reviews of that Aaron Sorkin newsroom TV show?

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I hate to admit it, but I'd do the wretched wench who suffers Allen West naked.

docterry6973 October 1, 2012 at 5:23 pm

She seems very nice, except for the 'joined her husband's attack on his gay constituents' part. Of course that was over a year ago so I am sure that all this has been forgotten.

Barrelhse October 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm

She's fat.

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm

“So, it is better to make sure that the congressman does not speak. That he does not address small businesses in the area, politics and the economy? Sometimes it might be better to listen,” Angela West wrote in a Facebook note.

Listen to what? The unhinged racist and homophobe argue about how Obama's a gay Muslim? Who would want to miss that!?

Callyson October 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

OT question: are we liveblogging Round 2 of the Elizabeth-Centerfold death march? It's on C-Span tonight, 7 Eastern…

valgal2342 October 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Dear Allen,
Why yes dear of course. God gave me a fantasy for you too. He tells me to put my two-piece swim suit on, straddle you and spray silly string up your ass so far it comes out your mouth then tie you to a chair with it and shoot your gun off just missing your head. He says it will really make your gun room explode in technicolor.
Awaiting your return with antic-i-pation.
Your obedient wife

Goonemeritus October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

You kids today, why when situations beyond my control put thousands of miles between my wife and me, I would just send her letters filled with unattributed Tom Waits quotes.

sewollef October 1, 2012 at 5:16 pm

If there's love in the house, it's a palace for sure.

Unattributed to Tom Waits. Oh wait…

Monsieur_Grumpe October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

“Get ready”
Who says romance is dead?

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Maybe he's just a big fan of the Temptations or Rare Earth.

MosesInvests October 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Sounds like redneck foreplay-"Git in the truck, Velma Lou."

Incitefully_Joe October 1, 2012 at 10:29 pm

It might just be that he is familiar with all internet traditions.

Doubt it though.

imissopus October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

West added, "I'll be bringing my artillery cannon home from the war, if you know what I mean. Primed and ready to fire."

And now, the vomiting!

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Probably had a mis-fire, or pre-ignition.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I'll be bringing my artillery cannon home from the war

Reason 1 we lost the Iraq war: we used cap guns.

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Y'know, there's GOT TO be some better phallic symbols to use than guns, or at least more friendly and appealing ones.

Gorillionaire October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I hope the West's don't have kids that have Google.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

It's like he's the Mesopotamian Velvet Jones.

Estproph October 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

>>"Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

Scat play.

Pegging." <<

Leave Peggy Noonan out of this!

SayItWithWookies October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

This makes me glad to be an atheist — because I'd sure pity the poor fuckin' god who had to waste his time monitoring Allen West's sex life.

a_pink_poodle October 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

HAHAHA PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS REAL OH GOD IN HEAVEN PLEASE I'LL BE THE PERFECT CHRISTIAN IF YOU MAKE THIS REAL

zumpie October 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

As poor Mrs. Allen West lies back and (much like all America) dreams of super cute Patrick Murphy…..

Radiotherapy October 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I heard he's got a stockpile of Bizarre Life.

kissawookiee October 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

In my own life, the non-negotiable acts involve a trapeze, a 55-gallon barrel of Kirkland lite mayonnaise, and a small flock of hydrocephalic goats. Should America really expect any less of its elected representation?

sewollef October 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Costco is great for those bulk purchases isn't it?

kittensdontlie October 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The key phrase here is Get Ready, which is a Temptations song:

"If all my friends should want you too, I'll understand it. (Be alright)
I hope I get to you before they do, the way I planned it. (Be outta sight)…."

Sloppy seconds be alright.

Poindexter718 October 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

"Whenever I put on the big glasses, you are to call me 'Urkel' and tell me that your parents have gone bowling for the evening …"

MissTaken October 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

If some man made demands on how I dress and told me I'm not allowed to say 'no' to behavior I may not be comfortable with I would wait until he was asleep, twist his ball sack in my hand until it turned blue, tie it off with some barbed wire, and then shove a 12 inch dildo up his unlubed asshole. For shits and giggles. Fuck you, Allen West.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Well now I came.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

You should take a screenshot of that comment for posterity.

MissTaken October 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

It'll be my wedding vows.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Really I wonder what kind of woman would put up with such horrible treatment without at least going Bobbit on his sorry ass. But I guess growing up brainwashed to believe in Christian patriarchal bullshit does strange things to young women, and leads them to put up with shit no one should ever have to.

SoBeach October 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Funny, but those are exatly some of the non-negotiable things West was thinking about…

emmelemm October 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Um?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Don't get any ideas.

PsycWench October 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Wow, I was thinking that I'd just tell him to fuck off. Non-negotiable, indeed.

cousinitt October 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Eh, what's up, doc?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Pegging. I'm going with Pegging.

That or he gets to hold a gun to her head.

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Besides West and Bachmann, their fellow lunatic Steve "Not the author" King is also tied in his race for reelection. If these three Congressfolk who belong in mental asylums are all kicked out, where will we turn for the batshit insane variety of entertainment?
http://www.blogforiowa.com/2012/09/30/christie-vi

HistoriCat October 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Louie Gohmert – Texas isn't going to let us down!

Rotundo_ October 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Don't worry, they'll make more. I suspect that between Texas, Georgia, the Carolinas, Alabama, Mississippi and Florida, to say nothing of Arizona, there are thousands of equally depraved and mentally ill individuals who can step into their loafers or pumps quite easily. Unless the Republican party has some sort of dramatic rebranding or revelation ("Hey guys! we can't get elected on fucking over the poor and the middle class if they're smart enough to figger it out!") they will be back again from some similar backwater shit hole district wanting to win the world for Juh-heeeeeeeeezzzzzzusssssss! and the Koch's.

Radiotherapy October 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I'm thinking Dominatrix Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

HarryButtle October 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Now THAT I can masturbate to!

CrunchyKnee October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I lost all desire to fap.

Carabella1 October 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Good god… My eyes… My eyes…
I know it's just a vision but right now I want to stick needles in my eyes.

OldWhiteLies October 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

//snark off

I feel filthy just sharing the same species as this fucktard. Don't you just love how the male xtianist mind instantly subjugates wife to concubine. And that's really some love and romance there – God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want. No you miserable excuse for human, YOU chose this woman as your partner. I extend my profound sympathies to his wife. And allow me to extend my profound apologies to all women for having to inhabit the same planet as does Allen West, and all those like him.

PsycWench October 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Somehow, being told what you are going to wear and what non-negotiable sex acts you are going to perform doesn't sound like "intimacy", does it?

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Sounds like rape, huh?

DemmeFatale October 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Are you trying to get get in my pants?

(Good ol' liberal rage is such a panty-melter!)

ManchuCandidate October 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Worst 50 Shades of Grey parody ever.

It's "50 Directions of West"

PsycWench October 1, 2012 at 10:13 pm

50 Shades of Bray.

An_Outhouse October 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm

He did give her a chance to run away and hide before he got back.

Tundra Grifter October 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Back in the day there were various "foreplay" methods based on national stereotypes ("Irish," "Italian," etc.).

Now we have "Allan West 'Foreplay'" – "Atten-SHUN!"

LibertyLover October 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm

C'mon. It's Monday! Doesn't this seem more appropriate before heading into a debacharatory weekend? How am I supposed to get any work done?

Chow Yun Flat October 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

Leaving as soon as we I finish.

emmelemm October 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

This is, in fact, worse than the hairy-naked-guy-gun pictures.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

You are clearly no Republican.

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I dunno. Maybe the aforementioned guy gives really good cunnilingus? Books, covers, judgement, etc.

BornInATrailer October 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Given that is his sexy pose, he'd fucking better.

orygoon October 1, 2012 at 4:39 pm

The Wonket often needs a "read less" button.

rickmaci October 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm

"Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

Scat play.

Pegging."

Donde los yikes !!! That's some nasty nasty.

Toomush_Infer October 1, 2012 at 4:42 pm

You guys! Making fun of a returning vet – he just wants her to wear a burka during sex – it's a new standard he learned over there – but with the two piece bathing suit, of course….

BornInATrailer October 1, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Burkakke!

calliecallie October 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

"just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?"

Tea bagging!

mrblifil October 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Gah!

Guppy October 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Y'know what? He's straight and monogamous, which is a lot more than can be said for the rest of his party.

He's still fucking insane, though.

MiniMencken October 1, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Two girls one cup?

smitallica October 1, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Ah yes, the old "God commands you to be my cock-slurping porn whore" trick. Works every time.

DahBoner October 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I'm jealous. My secretary doesn't hold her carrots like that!

Wait. I have no secretary?!?

ttommyunger October 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I have no doubt the disgraced Officer found his wife just the way he left her when he got home: fresh-fucked.

GortRay October 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Allen West, the congressthing, thrust his throbbing pork barrel into her steaming budget bill.

GhostBuggy October 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm

The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”

He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”

Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

And he signs off: “Get ready!”

The aristocrats!

Limeylizzie October 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

In so many ways he would be right for many of my fantasies and in so many ways he would be wrong.

Chet Kincaid_ October 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm

That man would never be capable of inventing Bebop after The War!!

Limeylizzie October 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You, on the other hand, Chet Kincaid……

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Bebop was invented by The Shredder, along with his partner Rocksteady.

Guppy October 1, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Is it time to resurrect the much-maligned term "hate fuck?"

Limeylizzie October 1, 2012 at 11:03 pm

No, he is repulsive to me , I couldn't even do that. I could hate-fuck Scott Brown.

docterry6973 October 1, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Well, partial credit for his commitment to monogamy, but I can't give him full credit for sexytalk. Mrs. Docterry would not respond favorably to this non-negotiable acts, wardrobe orders, and such. And what is this 'God has authorized you' crap? I recall that both partners commit to each other in the sight of God, not that God gives her to him and sends him the paperwork later. West seems to have some authority issues, which is a surprise to me.

Chet Kincaid_ October 1, 2012 at 5:39 pm

West texted his wife on his last flight home from DC:

"I hope you have had the wig cleaned, and that the gavel is free of splinters and properly polished with Lemon Pledge, because our 'Taking Of The Strumpet' fantasy scenario is divinely inspired and non-negotiable. You will entertain me with new vocabulary from the Yiddish dictionary I bought you last week while performing your marital duties. Here also is a photo for you to study and match, as I expect your styling to be on point!" http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/reuters/2012-09-04t22

DemmeFatale October 1, 2012 at 6:49 pm

You're a genius!

SaintRond October 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Oh, God, that's so bad.

Get me out of here!!!

fawkedifiknow October 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm

If he said, "God hath authorized….," it would be more believable.

HelmutNewton October 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Ugh! Poor Mrs. West. That's all I got…

LibrarianX October 1, 2012 at 5:53 pm

acts involved diapers…

CommieLibunatic October 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Leave it to Allen West to fuck up something as wonderful as good, consensual, freaky sex. Thanks for nothing, fuckass, from the bottom of our joyously leather/latex-clad hearts.

randcoolcatdaddy October 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm

"God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

Meh. Republicans say that to _all_ the voters.

Gleem McShineys October 1, 2012 at 6:42 pm

GOD HAS AUTHORIZED YOU TO MAKE BONERS INVERT, FOREVER, ALLEN WEST. MAKE IT SO

Chet Kincaid_ October 1, 2012 at 7:25 pm

You must agree to Terms and Conditions before installing Penis. Do not accept Penis from any source not authorized in your device by God.

BarryWDC October 1, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.

Of course, this raises the question, Is his wife a Tea-Bagger in every sense of the term?…if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. She is if she's following West's missives from the ancient home of Babylon. As James Brown says, "GOOD GOD!!!!"

BarryWDC October 1, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.

ingloriousbytch October 1, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Fuck you Wonkette! Fuck you for even making me think about Allen West's sexytime! Fuuuuuck you!

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm

My snark engine is just warming up, so I'll come up with something in a minute, but my initial reaction is that this is just plain creepy and makes my skin crawl.

LionHeartSoyDog October 1, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Fair warning at "Get ready!"

Plenty of time to pack up and get the flock out.

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 10:03 pm

"You are trying to seduce me, Mr. West."

Could the proper authorities please search this man's backyard, already?

glamourdammerung October 1, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Much better than I would have guessed, though in my defense, it might simply have not come out yet that he has fired guns at the ground next to her head.

horsedreamer_1 October 2, 2012 at 7:07 am

Man, Smoove B has gone really, really dark the longer he's been without his one & only.

schvitzatura October 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

I'm Allen West and I strongly approve of this message of sweet God-approved chocolate love

fitley November 10, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Allen seems like more of a Blumpkin type. He's probably riding the fence on the "Rusty Trombone".

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I need to trick or treat in your neighborhood more often.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Funny, all the girls who dress up as hookers say the same thing.

actor212 October 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Don't get me started on mission style…

BoatOfVelociraptors October 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Loaded with beans and rice, wrapped in paper and foil, then slapped on the table?

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Hookers must hate Halloween, what, with all of the other girls just dressing up as hookers for the night, and all.

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