Never let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged.
The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”
He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”
Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
And he signs off: “Get ready!”
Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
-
Scat play.
-
Pegging.
-
Eyes-closed, procreative missionary, because Allen West is creepy and lame and hates women.
Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy? We are sorry, but losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand.
{ 241 comments }
I love the movie depicted in the picture above, Secretary. James Spader can take me out for pancakes anytime.
Yes, was an enjoyable movie.
Or so I've heard. In my Bible study group. With orphans.
"Secretary" right? Great little movie with a truly happy ending proving that two seriously damaged people can find happiness together, but I've been married 32 years, so I already knew that, also, too.
I must have missed this issue of Penthouse Letters.
I had to look up "pegging".
In your Penthouse collection? Issue #325, right?
It didn't meet the Bob Guccione Standard.
"as it has been far too long since we purged. "
But all you need is to look at Naked Hairy Gun Man from below and you'll have to do that.
Any time you need a visual emetic, that pic is a good go-to.
Not to mention any day you don't have time for a masturbation break.
I think it will be a few days before I can get an erection again.
I dunno. If you ignore what the text says, the image of Maggie Gyllenhall gagged with a carrot is actually rather stimulating.
Ugh. Not sure the mental imagery is an improvement upon the previous story's actual imagery. Be careful what you wish for I guess.
Allen West is nothing if not a man who speaks his mind. The only conclusion to draw is that there is a vast trove of super-hardcore God-fearing pornographic films starring Allen West's wife.
I think the first paragraph of the letter read: "It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again", because he's crazy romantic like that.
"Angela, you are my porn star. From now on, I want you to wear open toed sandals!"
Two piece bathing suits? FRAY KAY!
One girl, two cups.
Ah, the stick and the carrot approach. I thought the carrot is supposed to be a challenge.
Sometimes a carrot is just a carrot.
Eh, what's up, doc?
No woman can do what Allen really wants.
Although given pegging is on the list, he expects them to try.
Not without a strap-on.
No woman WOULD WANT to do the things Allen really wants.
Not gonna be able to masturbate to this one, either. Nope, nosiree.
It's a tough one. Just think of Salma Hayek.
The most common uncomfortable porn star acts I see are the woman continuing to wear giant stiletto heels all through sex, and the video almost always ending with the guy pulling out and coming all over her face, which is really not sexy at all but just degrading and wrong.
Or, I mean, they would be if I ever watched porn, which of course I don't.
I haven't seen that one either.
Seen what?
Something called porn. I assume it must be a Kenyan thing.
Porn? Sounds like something you'd give the kids on Halloween.
"Trick or treat!"
"Those are great costumes! Here, have some porn!"
Good thing it isn't available on the internets.
"which is really not sexy at all but just degrading and wrong."
You lost me.
Yeah, but in Alen's wife's case, she doesn't get the come all over her face because she's wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.
He denies her his essence.
Funny, because West is also wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.
What. Stilettos are uncomfortable? I mean, she's not walking in them…
"uncomfortable porn star acts"
Then you're watching the wrong kinda porn. Let's just say "gape" and leave it at that.
Amen. It's right up there with audible sucking noises and gagging until the sucker hacks. Some people are just fucked in the head.
ISWYDT
(I've Seen What You Did There)
Oh yeah, that thing which I have also not seen and am completely unfamiliar with.
Nein, nein, no more schnitzen gruben!
A woman had sex with Allen West? Are there some kind of survivor benefits to cover that?
GI bill, so she can go to school and support herself in some other fashion.
No. No one's ever survived.
It was all going fine until "God has authorized you."
"Yep, got the work order from the Holy Spirit just this morning."
Reminds me of Publisher's Clearing House.
And authorization came not from the Army, but from God for him to have people beaten and then shoot guns next to their heads.
Nothing gets a pussy wetter than a theist mandate.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Which is probably what gets Allen West off.
Agreed. Shared.
We don't even want to go anywhere near what Clarence Thomas writes to his wife when he's mute on the dais.
You people are really trying to make sure I never desire sex again, aren't you?
Let us all join together in happy thoughts… one-piece swimsuits, ladies on top, and not stopping until the participants' names have been called at least three times… there, see how nice it can be?
Also, fuck Allen West, preferably in some tender way that will make him see the er of his ass-headed ways.
I bet she's really happy that she married him.
She is now, to be sure. I feel embarrassed for her a little.
Not much, cuz, you know, she married the guy of her own free will….
As a conservative woman, I'd not at all be surprised to find out that she has deluded herself into believing that.
The answer involves "enhanced interrogation of a detainee" cosplay. And then a hearty round of feltching. Always with the feltching.
God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.
If I'm his wife, I'm asking to see the decree.
If I'm his wife, I'm asking to see the divorce lawyer.
Not asking, announcing I'm seeing the divorce lawyer.
Restraining order time.
And she's legally entitled to half his military retirement pay. Ha ha!
Like actor said. The decree absolute.
long form…
Having just arrived from family court, I can tell you that it's going to take a long time for the clerk to process that request. It would be quicker to relocate to the Caribbean.
It's in the Bible, of course.
"God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
I am not anti-religion in any way, but guys bringing up god during sexy-talk are a huge turnoff.
"Jesus told me to fuck you raw."
That's acceptable. ;)
Only acceptable religious reference during sexy-time: "OH GOD! OH MY GOD!"
just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
Delivering a pizza.
She fixes the cable?
And the shower.
She's applying for a modeling job.
Making the sammich, duh!!!
Lounging by the pool, topless
Allen ???
Answering the door not wearing very much when the milkman rings the bell.
Expertise at ping pong, obvs.
Wow! We could have used her in Iraq! Is that what West meant by "artillery cannon"?
She's sitting alone in an Eastern European subway train
or a crowded Japanese subway.
In my wayward youth, I worked at a dairy warehouse, Domino's, and as a pool repairman/maintenance guy. Yep, that's right, milkman, pizza guy, and pool guy. The triumvirate of porn jobs.
Make out with her girl friend while they are together getting ready to go out with their husbands/boyfriends?
No no, this is Allen West, not Herman Cain!
Going to the doctor for a routine check-up?
"And he signs off: “Get ready!”
Get ready, or what? And if she is not ready? Does she get the Iraqi POW treatment from him?
Something about shooting a gun next to her head?
That's his idea of foreplay.
It's marginally better than "Brace yourself!!"
Kablooie! Right by the face.
what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
For this asshole? Bukakke and double penetration. He's got to keep the Kochs happy after all…
Allen West? Sorry I thought you meant Woody Allen.
Pegging
Y'know, it's not often that, with my extensive and
jadedin depth knowledge of terminology that I get one I've never seen before. I actually had to look that up. And now that I know what it means, I have to slap my forehead and go "DUH!"Same here. And, I liked the simplicity of the Urban Dictionary definition:
anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.
Wait, people don't know what pegging is? Jeez, young folks today, they forget all about the basics.
Listen, in my day we called it what it was:
Revenge
ROTFLMAO!
I guess I'm really old and depraved. I remember when Dan Savage solicited suggestions from his readers on what word should describe that act. "Pegging" was suggested but he didn't like it because he has an aunt named Peg. But Pegging was the most popular so he went with it.
I hope he gets credit in the 2050 Webster's Unabridged.
He should get his aunt a strap-on, dilemma solved.
OED libel.
Dan Savage is a national treasure. He's like a 21st-century Noah Webster, for the sex words.
It's a fairly new term which was suggested and voted on in a Dan Savage column. So the word probably didn't exist back when you were doing the sex.
Last night? Wow, the Internet news cycle sure has gotten fast!
Though the act certainly existed long before the term; I remember one guy in my high school getting lots of shit because he admitted to indulging in that.
Listen, the Shakers way back in the 1700s probably did that. Why do you think they were so good with pegs and dowels in their furniture???
Great. I really need that image in my head next time I look at my parents coffee table.
New addition to my vocabulary, too. But then, I'm behind the times.
There's an old song from the early years of last century that came back in the 1940s, "Peg o' My Heart." Do you think? (Oh, those dirty old people…)
God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.
Now, bitch, pull down your panties, it's time to party!
Strange, I had him pegged as a bottom. (Pun not intended).
Are you sure MissTaken wasn't referring to Congressman West?.
Isn't that kinda what Maggie Gyllenhal just did for ALEC and the for profit charter school movement?
"Rep. West. I know James Spader. I have worked with James Spader. And you sir are no James Spader!"
Luckily Teachers Unions are Horrible Monsters and Destroying Teachers' Job Security, Pay and Benefits Will Make All Children Smart was, like Atlas Shrugged and An American Carol before it, a miserable failure at the box office this weekend, coming in at number ten:
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/
"Atlas Flunked"?
Huzzah!
Gagging.
I reflexively gag anytime I hear or see Allen West.
What were you thinking?
NOW its Cocktober – cheers everyone!
And it's banned books week. Let's celebrate by banning those books Dok Zoom has been reading.
"Lord Lieutenant in Nylons"?
"…losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand."
I thought Wonkette was made of sterner stuff than this implies. It's not as if they will both take vows of silence if they lose. We can still mock them, it'll be okay…
But just think, Steve King is also not a shoo-in for re-election. The three most vocally insane members of Congress all being booted at once? The very thought of it! It's… it's… electrifying.
And Joe Walsh is getting beaten by Tammy Duckworth.
We still make fun of Sarah Palin, don't we? She'l never running for anything again.
It's mourning in Amercia.
"I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?"
The old softy. What a romantic.
West then fired his pistol near his wife's head, after which she provided West with names and information, which she later described as "meaningless information induced by fear and pain."
"Sex is only dirty if it's done right and God is watching."
-Woody Allen West
Hey, Allen?
Really, it's OK, you know: no woman no cry…
Sure honey, I'd love to be your personal porn star! In fact, I think you'll be quite pleased with my performance. The UPS guy has been helping me practice!
Mmmmm… root vegetables…
"When does your plane land, baby?"
(Shoving clothes and valuables furiously into some suitcases)
There's not a day goes by where I learn more about these fuckers than I really want to know.
"Oh baby, I really want you to mock execute me, then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."
HAWT
"…then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."
Anyone who says my wife's (woefully worn-out) one-piece swimsuit isn't hot deserves nothing less than a slap in the face with a day-old fish.
"Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy?"
I don't know. Maybe more reviews of that Aaron Sorkin newsroom TV show?
I hate to admit it, but I'd do the wretched wench who suffers Allen West naked.
She seems very nice, except for the 'joined her husband's attack on his gay constituents' part. Of course that was over a year ago so I am sure that all this has been forgotten.
She's fat.
“So, it is better to make sure that the congressman does not speak. That he does not address small businesses in the area, politics and the economy? Sometimes it might be better to listen,” Angela West wrote in a Facebook note.
Listen to what? The unhinged racist and homophobe argue about how Obama's a gay Muslim? Who would want to miss that!?
OT question: are we liveblogging Round 2 of the Elizabeth-Centerfold death march? It's on C-Span tonight, 7 Eastern…
Dear Allen,
Why yes dear of course. God gave me a fantasy for you too. He tells me to put my two-piece swim suit on, straddle you and spray silly string up your ass so far it comes out your mouth then tie you to a chair with it and shoot your gun off just missing your head. He says it will really make your gun room explode in technicolor.
Awaiting your return with antic-i-pation.
Your obedient wife
You kids today, why when situations beyond my control put thousands of miles between my wife and me, I would just send her letters filled with unattributed Tom Waits quotes.
If there's love in the house, it's a palace for sure.
Unattributed to Tom Waits. Oh wait…
“Get ready”
Who says romance is dead?
Maybe he's just a big fan of the Temptations or Rare Earth.
Sounds like redneck foreplay-"Git in the truck, Velma Lou."
It might just be that he is familiar with all internet traditions.
Doubt it though.
West added, "I'll be bringing my artillery cannon home from the war, if you know what I mean. Primed and ready to fire."
And now, the vomiting!
Probably had a mis-fire, or pre-ignition.
I'll be bringing my artillery cannon home from the war
Reason 1 we lost the Iraq war: we used cap guns.
Y'know, there's GOT TO be some better phallic symbols to use than guns, or at least more friendly and appealing ones.
I hope the West's don't have kids that have Google.
It's like he's the Mesopotamian Velvet Jones.
>>"Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
Scat play.
Pegging." <<
Leave Peggy Noonan out of this!
This makes me glad to be an atheist — because I'd sure pity the poor fuckin' god who had to waste his time monitoring Allen West's sex life.
HAHAHA PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS REAL OH GOD IN HEAVEN PLEASE I'LL BE THE PERFECT CHRISTIAN IF YOU MAKE THIS REAL
As poor Mrs. Allen West lies back and (much like all America) dreams of super cute Patrick Murphy…..
I heard he's got a stockpile of Bizarre Life.
In my own life, the non-negotiable acts involve a trapeze, a 55-gallon barrel of Kirkland lite mayonnaise, and a small flock of hydrocephalic goats. Should America really expect any less of its elected representation?
Costco is great for those bulk purchases isn't it?
The key phrase here is Get Ready, which is a Temptations song:
"If all my friends should want you too, I'll understand it. (Be alright)
I hope I get to you before they do, the way I planned it. (Be outta sight)…."
Sloppy seconds be alright.
"Whenever I put on the big glasses, you are to call me 'Urkel' and tell me that your parents have gone bowling for the evening …"
If some man made demands on how I dress and told me I'm not allowed to say 'no' to behavior I may not be comfortable with I would wait until he was asleep, twist his ball sack in my hand until it turned blue, tie it off with some barbed wire, and then shove a 12 inch dildo up his unlubed asshole. For shits and giggles. Fuck you, Allen West.
Well now I came.
You should take a screenshot of that comment for posterity.
It'll be my wedding vows.
Really I wonder what kind of woman would put up with such horrible treatment without at least going Bobbit on his sorry ass. But I guess growing up brainwashed to believe in Christian patriarchal bullshit does strange things to young women, and leads them to put up with shit no one should ever have to.
Funny, but those are exatly some of the non-negotiable things West was thinking about…
Um?
Don't get any ideas.
Wow, I was thinking that I'd just tell him to fuck off. Non-negotiable, indeed.
Eh, what's up, doc?
Pegging. I'm going with Pegging.
That or he gets to hold a gun to her head.
Besides West and Bachmann, their fellow lunatic Steve "Not the author" King is also tied in his race for reelection. If these three Congressfolk who belong in mental asylums are all kicked out, where will we turn for the batshit insane variety of entertainment?
http://www.blogforiowa.com/2012/09/30/christie-vi…
Louie Gohmert – Texas isn't going to let us down!
Don't worry, they'll make more. I suspect that between Texas, Georgia, the Carolinas, Alabama, Mississippi and Florida, to say nothing of Arizona, there are thousands of equally depraved and mentally ill individuals who can step into their loafers or pumps quite easily. Unless the Republican party has some sort of dramatic rebranding or revelation ("Hey guys! we can't get elected on fucking over the poor and the middle class if they're smart enough to figger it out!") they will be back again from some similar backwater shit hole district wanting to win the world for Juh-heeeeeeeeezzzzzzusssssss! and the Koch's.
I'm thinking Dominatrix Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Now THAT I can masturbate to!
I lost all desire to fap.
Good god… My eyes… My eyes…
I know it's just a vision but right now I want to stick needles in my eyes.
//snark off
I feel filthy just sharing the same species as this fucktard. Don't you just love how the male xtianist mind instantly subjugates wife to concubine. And that's really some love and romance there – God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want. No you miserable excuse for human, YOU chose this woman as your partner. I extend my profound sympathies to his wife. And allow me to extend my profound apologies to all women for having to inhabit the same planet as does Allen West, and all those like him.
Somehow, being told what you are going to wear and what non-negotiable sex acts you are going to perform doesn't sound like "intimacy", does it?
Sounds like rape, huh?
Are you trying to get get in my pants?
(Good ol' liberal rage is such a panty-melter!)
Worst 50 Shades of Grey parody ever.
It's "50 Directions of West"
50 Shades of Bray.
He did give her a chance to run away and hide before he got back.
Back in the day there were various "foreplay" methods based on national stereotypes ("Irish," "Italian," etc.).
Now we have "Allan West 'Foreplay'" – "Atten-SHUN!"
C'mon. It's Monday! Doesn't this seem more appropriate before heading into a debacharatory weekend? How am I supposed to get any work done?
what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
Leaving as soon as
weI finish.This is, in fact, worse than the hairy-naked-guy-gun pictures.
You are clearly no Republican.
I dunno. Maybe the aforementioned guy gives really good cunnilingus? Books, covers, judgement, etc.
Given that is his sexy pose, he'd fucking better.
The Wonket often needs a "read less" button.
"Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?
Scat play.
Pegging."
Donde los yikes !!! That's some nasty nasty.
You guys! Making fun of a returning vet – he just wants her to wear a burka during sex – it's a new standard he learned over there – but with the two piece bathing suit, of course….
Burkakke!
"just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?"
Tea bagging!
Gah!
Y'know what? He's straight and monogamous, which is a lot more than can be said for the rest of his party.
He's still fucking insane, though.
Two girls one cup?
Ah yes, the old "God commands you to be my cock-slurping porn whore" trick. Works every time.
I'm jealous. My secretary doesn't hold her carrots like that!
Wait. I have no secretary?!?
I have no doubt the disgraced Officer found his wife just the way he left her when he got home: fresh-fucked.
Allen West, the congressthing, thrust his throbbing pork barrel into her steaming budget bill.
The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”
He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”
Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
And he signs off: “Get ready!”
The aristocrats!
In so many ways he would be right for many of my fantasies and in so many ways he would be wrong.
That man would never be capable of inventing Bebop after The War!!
You, on the other hand, Chet Kincaid……
Bebop was invented by The Shredder, along with his partner Rocksteady.
Is it time to resurrect the much-maligned term "hate fuck?"
No, he is repulsive to me , I couldn't even do that. I could hate-fuck Scott Brown.
Well, partial credit for his commitment to monogamy, but I can't give him full credit for sexytalk. Mrs. Docterry would not respond favorably to this non-negotiable acts, wardrobe orders, and such. And what is this 'God has authorized you' crap? I recall that both partners commit to each other in the sight of God, not that God gives her to him and sends him the paperwork later. West seems to have some authority issues, which is a surprise to me.
West texted his wife on his last flight home from DC:
"I hope you have had the wig cleaned, and that the gavel is free of splinters and properly polished with Lemon Pledge, because our 'Taking Of The Strumpet' fantasy scenario is divinely inspired and non-negotiable. You will entertain me with new vocabulary from the Yiddish dictionary I bought you last week while performing your marital duties. Here also is a photo for you to study and match, as I expect your styling to be on point!" http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/reuters/2012-09-04t22…
You're a genius!
Oh, God, that's so bad.
Get me out of here!!!
If he said, "God hath authorized….," it would be more believable.
Ugh! Poor Mrs. West. That's all I got…
acts involved diapers…
Leave it to Allen West to fuck up something as wonderful as good, consensual, freaky sex. Thanks for nothing, fuckass, from the bottom of our joyously leather/latex-clad hearts.
"God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
Meh. Republicans say that to _all_ the voters.
GOD HAS AUTHORIZED YOU TO MAKE BONERS INVERT, FOREVER, ALLEN WEST. MAKE IT SO
You must agree to Terms and Conditions before installing Penis. Do not accept Penis from any source not authorized in your device by God.
Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.
Of course, this raises the question, Is his wife a Tea-Bagger in every sense of the term?…if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. She is if she's following West's missives from the ancient home of Babylon. As James Brown says, "GOOD GOD!!!!"
Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.
Fuck you Wonkette! Fuck you for even making me think about Allen West's sexytime! Fuuuuuck you!
My snark engine is just warming up, so I'll come up with something in a minute, but my initial reaction is that this is just plain creepy and makes my skin crawl.
Fair warning at "Get ready!"
Plenty of time to pack up and get the flock out.
"You are trying to seduce me, Mr. West."
Could the proper authorities please search this man's backyard, already?
Much better than I would have guessed, though in my defense, it might simply have not come out yet that he has fired guns at the ground next to her head.
Man, Smoove B has gone really, really dark the longer he's been without his one & only.
I'm Allen West and I strongly approve of this message of sweet God-approved chocolate love…
Allen seems like more of a Blumpkin type. He's probably riding the fence on the "Rusty Trombone".
I need to trick or treat in your neighborhood more often.
Funny, all the girls who dress up as hookers say the same thing.
Don't get me started on mission style…
Loaded with beans and rice, wrapped in paper and foil, then slapped on the table?
Hookers must hate Halloween, what, with all of the other girls just dressing up as hookers for the night, and all.
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