What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?

  that's no lady that's my wife

this is the kind of freaky deaky we can get behindNever let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged.

The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”

He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”

Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

And he signs off: “Get ready!”

Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

    Scat play.
    Pegging.
    Eyes-closed, procreative missionary, because Allen West is creepy and lame and hates women.

Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy? We are sorry, but losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand.

[GossipExtra]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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241 comments

  1. Barbara_

    I love the movie depicted in the picture above, Secretary. James Spader can take me out for pancakes anytime.

    1. ttommyunger

      "Secretary" right? Great little movie with a truly happy ending proving that two seriously damaged people can find happiness together, but I've been married 32 years, so I already knew that, also, too.

  2. SorosBot

    "as it has been far too long since we purged. "

    But all you need is to look at Naked Hairy Gun Man from below and you'll have to do that.

  3. BornInATrailer

    Ugh. Not sure the mental imagery is an improvement upon the previous story's actual imagery. Be careful what you wish for I guess.

  4. Come here a minute

    Allen West is nothing if not a man who speaks his mind. The only conclusion to draw is that there is a vast trove of super-hardcore God-fearing pornographic films starring Allen West's wife.

    1. jjdaddyo

      I think the first paragraph of the letter read: "It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again", because he's crazy romantic like that.

    2. Mojopo

      "Angela, you are my porn star. From now on, I want you to wear open toed sandals!"

      Two piece bathing suits? FRAY KAY!

  5. Jus_Wonderin

    Ah, the stick and the carrot approach. I thought the carrot is supposed to be a challenge.

  6. SorosBot

    The most common uncomfortable porn star acts I see are the woman continuing to wear giant stiletto heels all through sex, and the video almost always ending with the guy pulling out and coming all over her face, which is really not sexy at all but just degrading and wrong.

    Or, I mean, they would be if I ever watched porn, which of course I don't.

          1. Negropolis

            Hookers must hate Halloween, what, with all of the other girls just dressing up as hookers for the night, and all.

    1. jjdaddyo

      Yeah, but in Alen's wife's case, she doesn't get the come all over her face because she's wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.

    2. teebob2000

      "uncomfortable porn star acts"

      Then you're watching the wrong kinda porn. Let's just say "gape" and leave it at that.

    3. Fare la Volpe

      Amen. It's right up there with audible sucking noises and gagging until the sucker hacks. Some people are just fucked in the head.

    1. kittensdontlie

      And authorization came not from the Army, but from God for him to have people beaten and then shoot guns next to their heads.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Agreed. Shared.

      We don't even want to go anywhere near what Clarence Thomas writes to his wife when he's mute on the dais.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Let us all join together in happy thoughts… one-piece swimsuits, ladies on top, and not stopping until the participants' names have been called at least three times… there, see how nice it can be?

      Also, fuck Allen West, preferably in some tender way that will make him see the er of his ass-headed ways.

    1. Negropolis

      As a conservative woman, I'd not at all be surprised to find out that she has deluded herself into believing that.

  7. stefanbc

    The answer involves "enhanced interrogation of a detainee" cosplay. And then a hearty round of feltching. Always with the feltching.

  8. actor212

    God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.

    If I'm his wife, I'm asking to see the decree.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Having just arrived from family court, I can tell you that it's going to take a long time for the clerk to process that request. It would be quicker to relocate to the Caribbean.

  9. Calapine

    "God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

    I am not anti-religion in any way, but guys bringing up god during sexy-talk are a huge turnoff.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      In my wayward youth, I worked at a dairy warehouse, Domino's, and as a pool repairman/maintenance guy. Yep, that's right, milkman, pizza guy, and pool guy. The triumvirate of porn jobs.

  10. rickmaci

    "And he signs off: “Get ready!”

    Get ready, or what? And if she is not ready? Does she get the Iraqi POW treatment from him?

  11. Callyson

    what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

    For this asshole? Bukakke and double penetration. He's got to keep the Kochs happy after all…

  12. actor212

    Pegging

    Y'know, it's not often that, with my extensive and jaded in depth knowledge of terminology that I get one I've never seen before. I actually had to look that up. And now that I know what it means, I have to slap my forehead and go "DUH!"

    1. no_gravity

      Same here. And, I liked the simplicity of the Urban Dictionary definition:

      anal sex reveresed. instead of the man sticking his penis up the womans butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the mans butt.

      1. SorosBot

        Wait, people don't know what pegging is? Jeez, young folks today, they forget all about the basics.

    2. SoBeach

      I guess I'm really old and depraved. I remember when Dan Savage solicited suggestions from his readers on what word should describe that act. "Pegging" was suggested but he didn't like it because he has an aunt named Peg. But Pegging was the most popular so he went with it.

      I hope he gets credit in the 2050 Webster's Unabridged.

    3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      It's a fairly new term which was suggested and voted on in a Dan Savage column. So the word probably didn't exist back when you were doing the sex.

      1. SorosBot

        Though the act certainly existed long before the term; I remember one guy in my high school getting lots of shit because he admitted to indulging in that.

        1. actor212

          Listen, the Shakers way back in the 1700s probably did that. Why do you think they were so good with pegs and dowels in their furniture???

          1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Great. I really need that image in my head next time I look at my parents coffee table.

    4. Dudleydidwrong

      New addition to my vocabulary, too. But then, I'm behind the times.

      There's an old song from the early years of last century that came back in the 1940s, "Peg o' My Heart." Do you think? (Oh, those dirty old people…)

  13. MissTaken

    God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.

    Now, bitch, pull down your panties, it's time to party!

  14. zumpie

    Isn't that kinda what Maggie Gyllenhal just did for ALEC and the for profit charter school movement?

    1. OzoneTom

      "Rep. West. I know James Spader. I have worked with James Spader. And you sir are no James Spader!"

    2. SorosBot

      Luckily Teachers Unions are Horrible Monsters and Destroying Teachers' Job Security, Pay and Benefits Will Make All Children Smart was, like Atlas Shrugged and An American Carol before it, a miserable failure at the box office this weekend, coming in at number ten:
      http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/

  15. mille derps

    "…losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand."

    I thought Wonkette was made of sterner stuff than this implies. It's not as if they will both take vows of silence if they lose. We can still mock them, it'll be okay…

    1. sullivanst

      But just think, Steve King is also not a shoo-in for re-election. The three most vocally insane members of Congress all being booted at once? The very thought of it! It's… it's… electrifying.

  16. Blueb4sinrise

    West then fired his pistol near his wife's head, after which she provided West with names and information, which she later described as "meaningless information induced by fear and pain."

  17. YouBetcha

    Sure honey, I'd love to be your personal porn star! In fact, I think you'll be quite pleased with my performance. The UPS guy has been helping me practice!

  18. ThundercatHo

    "When does your plane land, baby?"

    (Shoving clothes and valuables furiously into some suitcases)

  19. Dashboard Buddha

    There's not a day goes by where I learn more about these fuckers than I really want to know.

  20. SmutBoffin

    "Oh baby, I really want you to mock execute me, then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."

    HAWT

    1. CommieLibunatic

      "…then write a rambling crazy letter-to-the-editor about why one-piece swimsuits are Communist."

      Anyone who says my wife's (woefully worn-out) one-piece swimsuit isn't hot deserves nothing less than a slap in the face with a day-old fish.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    "Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy?"

    I don't know. Maybe more reviews of that Aaron Sorkin newsroom TV show?

    1. docterry6973

      She seems very nice, except for the 'joined her husband's attack on his gay constituents' part. Of course that was over a year ago so I am sure that all this has been forgotten.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      “So, it is better to make sure that the congressman does not speak. That he does not address small businesses in the area, politics and the economy? Sometimes it might be better to listen,” Angela West wrote in a Facebook note.

      Listen to what? The unhinged racist and homophobe argue about how Obama's a gay Muslim? Who would want to miss that!?

  22. Callyson

    OT question: are we liveblogging Round 2 of the Elizabeth-Centerfold death march? It's on C-Span tonight, 7 Eastern…

  23. valgal2342

    Dear Allen,
    Why yes dear of course. God gave me a fantasy for you too. He tells me to put my two-piece swim suit on, straddle you and spray silly string up your ass so far it comes out your mouth then tie you to a chair with it and shoot your gun off just missing your head. He says it will really make your gun room explode in technicolor.
    Awaiting your return with antic-i-pation.
    Your obedient wife

  24. Goonemeritus

    You kids today, why when situations beyond my control put thousands of miles between my wife and me, I would just send her letters filled with unattributed Tom Waits quotes.

  25. imissopus

    West added, "I'll be bringing my artillery cannon home from the war, if you know what I mean. Primed and ready to fire."

    And now, the vomiting!

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Y'know, there's GOT TO be some better phallic symbols to use than guns, or at least more friendly and appealing ones.

  26. Estproph

    >>"Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

    Scat play.

    Pegging." <<

    Leave Peggy Noonan out of this!

  27. a_pink_poodle

    HAHAHA PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS REAL OH GOD IN HEAVEN PLEASE I'LL BE THE PERFECT CHRISTIAN IF YOU MAKE THIS REAL

  28. zumpie

    As poor Mrs. Allen West lies back and (much like all America) dreams of super cute Patrick Murphy…..

  29. kissawookiee

    In my own life, the non-negotiable acts involve a trapeze, a 55-gallon barrel of Kirkland lite mayonnaise, and a small flock of hydrocephalic goats. Should America really expect any less of its elected representation?

  30. kittensdontlie

    The key phrase here is Get Ready, which is a Temptations song:

    "If all my friends should want you too, I'll understand it. (Be alright)
    I hope I get to you before they do, the way I planned it. (Be outta sight)…."

    Sloppy seconds be alright.

  31. Poindexter718

    "Whenever I put on the big glasses, you are to call me 'Urkel' and tell me that your parents have gone bowling for the evening …"

  32. MissTaken

    If some man made demands on how I dress and told me I'm not allowed to say 'no' to behavior I may not be comfortable with I would wait until he was asleep, twist his ball sack in my hand until it turned blue, tie it off with some barbed wire, and then shove a 12 inch dildo up his unlubed asshole. For shits and giggles. Fuck you, Allen West.

          1. SorosBot

            Really I wonder what kind of woman would put up with such horrible treatment without at least going Bobbit on his sorry ass. But I guess growing up brainwashed to believe in Christian patriarchal bullshit does strange things to young women, and leads them to put up with shit no one should ever have to.

    1. Rotundo_

      Don't worry, they'll make more. I suspect that between Texas, Georgia, the Carolinas, Alabama, Mississippi and Florida, to say nothing of Arizona, there are thousands of equally depraved and mentally ill individuals who can step into their loafers or pumps quite easily. Unless the Republican party has some sort of dramatic rebranding or revelation ("Hey guys! we can't get elected on fucking over the poor and the middle class if they're smart enough to figger it out!") they will be back again from some similar backwater shit hole district wanting to win the world for Juh-heeeeeeeeezzzzzzusssssss! and the Koch's.

  33. Carabella1

    Good god… My eyes… My eyes…
    I know it's just a vision but right now I want to stick needles in my eyes.

  34. OldWhiteLies

    //snark off

    I feel filthy just sharing the same species as this fucktard. Don't you just love how the male xtianist mind instantly subjugates wife to concubine. And that's really some love and romance there – God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want. No you miserable excuse for human, YOU chose this woman as your partner. I extend my profound sympathies to his wife. And allow me to extend my profound apologies to all women for having to inhabit the same planet as does Allen West, and all those like him.

    1. PsycWench

      Somehow, being told what you are going to wear and what non-negotiable sex acts you are going to perform doesn't sound like "intimacy", does it?

  35. Tundra Grifter

    Back in the day there were various "foreplay" methods based on national stereotypes ("Irish," "Italian," etc.).

    Now we have "Allan West 'Foreplay'" – "Atten-SHUN!"

  36. LibertyLover

    C'mon. It's Monday! Doesn't this seem more appropriate before heading into a debacharatory weekend? How am I supposed to get any work done?

      1. CommieLibunatic

        I dunno. Maybe the aforementioned guy gives really good cunnilingus? Books, covers, judgement, etc.

  37. rickmaci

    "Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

    Scat play.

    Pegging."

    Donde los yikes !!! That's some nasty nasty.

  38. Toomush_Infer

    You guys! Making fun of a returning vet – he just wants her to wear a burka during sex – it's a new standard he learned over there – but with the two piece bathing suit, of course….

  39. Guppy

    Y'know what? He's straight and monogamous, which is a lot more than can be said for the rest of his party.

    He's still fucking insane, though.

  40. smitallica

    Ah yes, the old "God commands you to be my cock-slurping porn whore" trick. Works every time.

  41. ttommyunger

    I have no doubt the disgraced Officer found his wife just the way he left her when he got home: fresh-fucked.

  42. GortRay

    Allen West, the congressthing, thrust his throbbing pork barrel into her steaming budget bill.

  43. GhostBuggy

    The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”

    He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”

    Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

    “I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

    And he signs off: “Get ready!”

    The aristocrats!

  44. Limeylizzie

    In so many ways he would be right for many of my fantasies and in so many ways he would be wrong.

  45. docterry6973

    Well, partial credit for his commitment to monogamy, but I can't give him full credit for sexytalk. Mrs. Docterry would not respond favorably to this non-negotiable acts, wardrobe orders, and such. And what is this 'God has authorized you' crap? I recall that both partners commit to each other in the sight of God, not that God gives her to him and sends him the paperwork later. West seems to have some authority issues, which is a surprise to me.

  46. Chet Kincaid_

    West texted his wife on his last flight home from DC:

    "I hope you have had the wig cleaned, and that the gavel is free of splinters and properly polished with Lemon Pledge, because our 'Taking Of The Strumpet' fantasy scenario is divinely inspired and non-negotiable. You will entertain me with new vocabulary from the Yiddish dictionary I bought you last week while performing your marital duties. Here also is a photo for you to study and match, as I expect your styling to be on point!" http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/reuters/2012-09-04t22

  47. CommieLibunatic

    Leave it to Allen West to fuck up something as wonderful as good, consensual, freaky sex. Thanks for nothing, fuckass, from the bottom of our joyously leather/latex-clad hearts.

  48. randcoolcatdaddy

    "God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

    Meh. Republicans say that to _all_ the voters.

  49. BarryWDC

    Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.

    Of course, this raises the question, Is his wife a Tea-Bagger in every sense of the term?…if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. She is if she's following West's missives from the ancient home of Babylon. As James Brown says, "GOOD GOD!!!!"

  50. BarryWDC

    Oh…Sweet…Jeebuz!! I see many things on this site that nearly touch my gag reflex. The thought of Allen West doing porn-like things with his porcine wife?? I just barfed on my lap.

  51. ingloriousbytch

    Fuck you Wonkette! Fuck you for even making me think about Allen West's sexytime! Fuuuuuck you!

  52. Negropolis

    My snark engine is just warming up, so I'll come up with something in a minute, but my initial reaction is that this is just plain creepy and makes my skin crawl.

  53. Negropolis

    "You are trying to seduce me, Mr. West."

    Could the proper authorities please search this man's backyard, already?

  54. glamourdammerung

    Much better than I would have guessed, though in my defense, it might simply have not come out yet that he has fired guns at the ground next to her head.

  55. horsedreamer_1

    Man, Smoove B has gone really, really dark the longer he's been without his one & only.

Comments are closed.