today in goat murders

Watch Nancy Pelosi Try To Murder A Goat, For Satan

So Nancy Pelosi is a Satanic goat-murderer, obviously, and her opponent John Dennis is “not a sacrificial lamb.” Get it??? (It’s because Pelosi’s San Francisco district is about 147 percent “Not Republican.”)

So wily John Dennis delivers a nice jab from the left about how John Dennis would not have voted for indefinite detentions unlike some bloodthirsty warmongers we know! Now all the Occupy people and PETA people can make common cause against the Democrats who are just as bad as Republicans. (NADER 4EVA!) Also there are zombies, and John Dennis talks sense into them, but to us the zombies are way less rad than the Rosemary’s Baby witch coven.

Fuck Herman Cain. Fuck the Demon Sheep. Fuck the daisy ad. This commercial is a goddamn masterpiece.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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      1. Callyson

        Baldart would be a good name for an edgy gallery.

        But now I will spend the rest of my day trying not to think of what kind of business should be named Flagass…

      1. shelwood46

        You left out, name that is contained within last name (Chris Christie, Tommy Thompson, Erik Erikson).

    1. sullivanst

      Maybe it was a demon goat which will now kill us all because John Dennis prevented the former Speaker from sending it back from whence it came…

  1. ThankYouJeebus

    I want to see his medical marijuana prescriptions. Cause the 'dude' had to be baked when he thought this up.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Ol' Paul Newman is looking pretty good, for a dead guy. Even looks to have put on a few pounds.

  3. Trannysurprise

    Change the setting to James O'Qweefs dildo boat and slot in Snooki to play Pelosi and I'd watch it.

    1. sullivanst

      Since Orange County existed?

      More pertinently, since when are there Republicans in San Francisco?

      1. ThankYouJeebus

        There was one at the dog park this morning railing about how trickle down really would work if it wasn't for the greedy people.

  4. Callyson

    No animals, politicians or zombies were harmed in the making of this video

    However, the arts of script writing, acting and film making were slaughtered.

  5. sewollef

    John Dennis is a father, husband and entrepreneur and has been endorsed by former Vice Presidential candidate Matt Gonzalez. C'mon, you know who that is.

    I just wanted everyone to know that before we take the piss out of him.

    OK, fire away!

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, but he willfully chose to run as a Republican, which is worth a great deal of criticism all by itself.

      1. chicken_thief

        The pointless fucking is just so I don't demand my money back for watching shitty films. Also too so Lindsay Lohan can still have a *career*.

  6. mrpuma2u

    We killed a goat sometimes for easter. Maybe she was killing it because of the drought and she couldn't afford grains. RUMINANT LIBELZ, also.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    From his Wiki page:
    "Dennis supports gay marriage, opposes continuing the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars, supports legalizing marijuana (he supported California's Proposition 19). His progressive stances on social issues, which are unpopular among some within the national Republican Party, are popular in San Francisco"

    Obviously, not a member of the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party. A peace sign, even…

    1. sullivanst

      He'd still vote for Boehner for Speaker though. While all politics may be local, it's also true that no politics is local.

      You really have to wonder about the few supposedly "moderate" people who still tack an "R" after their name. Surely they have to realize what it is to which they give support when they do that?

    2. Negropolis

      I said it up-thread, but the problem is that he's running as a Republican. No one is saying he has to run as a Democrat or even a Green, but at least run as an independent or Libertarian or something.

      To have those views and then consciously run for office as a Republican shows very bad judgement at the very least. lol

  8. Native_of_SL_UT

    Dead Alive was better. (an early Peter Jackson movie)
    Dude should have just used a lawnmower on the zombies.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Love that movie! But the dinner scene with the pudding always makes me gag. And nothing makes me gag.

      1. doloras

        I'm a New Zealander, Peter Jackson went to my high school, and you're absolutely right. But my favourite of his early movies is this.

    1. chicken_thief

      Looks like they might have waited for the new iPhone to come out before preserving it for posterity. For the better pixel count and all.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The animals are symbolic of the middle and lower classes.

      I knew that Film Appreciation class I took my senior year of high school would pay off some day!!

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    If George Romero weren't still alive, he'd be rolling over in his grave. Or crawling out of it, anyway.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    I read where the guy who did this is also the same guy that did those He-man Cain ads with the creepy little girl. Sounds about right.

    1. HistoriCat

      Dude keeps getting work because his uncle (? dad maybe?) is a heavy-weight Repub. Nepotism is a terrible thing.

      1. AlterNewt

        From the BBC obit of former NYT Owner / Publisher, Arthur Sulzberger :

        ~ He was a strong believer in family ownership of newspapers.

        He once joked: "My conclusion is simple. Nepotism works." ~

  11. TavariousChinaSmith

    Don't be fooled. This is just the networks test-marketing the idea of beefing up ratings by staging political debates in satanic dungeons. I like it!

    1. sullivanst

      Sorry, not a black goat. Nancy only sacrifices white things, of course.

      ETA: D'oh, confusing my Cubs curses. Move on, nothing to see here.

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    Do the Republicans have their own annual movie awards show for best best actor and such? Because that Pelosi impersonator deserves a 'tard Oscar.

  13. owhatever

    Dennis for Goatherd!

    My daughters, who are members of Nancy's Coven, report the goat in the ad was recovered, ritually sacrificed and served with fava beans. Christine McDonnell wants in.

  14. docterry6973

    At least he didn't try to drive a stake through my Nancy's sweet heart. Even so, I don't think this ad will help him as much as he hopes.

  15. Esteev

    So the goat is America? Or maybe the zombies? Or is Dennis John the sacrifice? What does the knife represent? The free market? I DEMAND CLIFFS NOTES!!1!

  16. Naked_Bunny

    her opponent John Dennis is “not a sacrificial lamb.”

    That's not a very WWJD attitude!

  17. iburl

    This was an amazing documentary. Surprised the ceremony was in Spanish and not Latin. Nancy must be trying to shore up the latino Satanist vote.

  18. Naked_Bunny

    If you wander over to John Dennis' campaign site, you notice that his love of Ron Paul led him to forget until now that he is, in fact, running for office.

  19. Mahousu

    Not many people would attempt a run for Congress based on their reputation as a goat-lover. I applaud Dennis for his courage.

  20. Mahousu

    Not many people would attempt a run for Congress based on their reputation as a goat-lover. I applaud Dennis for his courage.

    I don't think I'd shake his hand, though.

  21. YasserArraFeck

    They eat goats in Kenya, don't they? Hmmm? I think Nancy was simply making lunch for her boss.

  22. mavenmaven

    How does Guantanamo affect job creation? I say, if it helps jobs, she's right to kill the goat (which makes as much logical sense as the detention line).

  23. mayor_quimby

    This really is a masterful piece of delusional cinema. I don't get the zombies, but they're in everything now, so ill let it slide

  24. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony, of the miserable goats, who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts of grave robbers from outer space?"

  25. carlgt1

    what's funny is this guy represents the very rare moderate-liberal in the GOP! So imagine how really crazy the right-wingers actually are, when they're not constrained from going absolutely Galt!

  26. MiniMencken

    Whitaker and Baxter must be just spinnin' in their graves over this one. (Bonus Wonkette Points for knowing the reference)

  27. Respitetini

    "Now all the Occupy people and PETA people can make common cause against the Democrats who are just as bad as Republicans."

    Yeah, pretty much.

  28. Naked_Bunny

    I don't see what Dennis' objection is. Ripping open the less powerful and taking their entrails is how libertarianism works.

  29. ttommyunger

    I can definitely fap to this, but need more than a minute 42 seconds for happy ending. Moar Goat Guts, pleeze!

  30. Negropolis

    To give you some idea of how blue this district is, Cindy Sheehan running as an Indie came in second place with the Republican in an even more distant third in 2008.

    That said, I wonder why third parties don't do better in districts this uncompetitive between the two major parties? What I wouldn't give t have at least a Green and a Libertarian in Congress.

  31. Negropolis

    BTW, Republicans don't like goat killings, well, not until they've had their way with them, of course.

  32. stitch94133

    Thank you for this community service. I actually live in Nancy Pelosi's district and was wondering if anyone was actually running against her since I've see no signs, campaign literature or other ephemera.

    Unlike other congressional districts we rarely have a contested race, we just have to settle for highly effective and determined leadership.

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