Ann Romney Worries About Mitt's Brain Parts If He's Elected

Ann Romney is just plain baiting the Professional Comedy Industry now, isn't she? Over the weekend, she said in an interview that if her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her "biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being." We share Egg's concerns. No one wants to see the President of 53 Percent of the United States reduced to a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk, after all.

What the FLOTUS-wannabe actually meant, of course, is that Mitt is simply so super speedy and smart that it goes without saying that mere policy stuff will be a cinch, duh:

"I have all the confidence in the world in his ability, in his decisiveness and his leadership skills, in his understanding of the economy, in his understanding of what's missing right now in the economy - you know, pieces that are missing to get this jumpstarted," she continued. "So for me I think it would just be the emotional part of it."

You see? After he finds his Missing Piece, Mitt will get the economy fixed on Day One, and everything will be ready to go! (He also intends to turn to the Giving Tree * for advice on forest management. Comfortable stumps for all Old People to sit on! Who needs Medicare?)

First Ladies have traditionally taken on projects for improving America. Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse, Laura Bush worked for childhood literacy, Michelle Obama is trying to prevent the conversion of children into huge tubs of lard. It appears that the android's gal-pal will devote her First Ladyhood to ensuring that Mitt's precious fee-fees are never hurt, and that the filthy peasants in this country recognize what a precious, precious gift Mitt is giving to us all:

“This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

We seriously hope to help ensure Mr. Romney's future mental stability. Just as he is willing to sacrifice for us, we are willing to go without his leadership, just to make sure he doesn't crack up under the strain of trying to govern us.

* Also, may we just briefly mention what a fucked-up, codependent vision of "love" The Giving Tree envisions? If there's an accomplished art-maker person out there, please email Your Correspondent and we'll talk about collaborating on a more accurate version, to be titled The Taking Boy (Wonkette Books, 2013).

[ CBS News ]