Ann Romney Worries About Mitt’s Brain Parts If He’s Elected

  The Lunatic Is On The Hill

Hail to the Derp!Ann Romney is just plain baiting the Professional Comedy Industry now, isn’t she? Over the weekend, she said in an interview that if her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.” We share Egg’s concerns. No one wants to see the President of 53 Percent of the United States reduced to a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk, after all.

What the FLOTUS-wannabe actually meant, of course, is that Mitt is simply so super speedy and smart that it goes without saying that mere policy stuff will be a cinch, duh:

“I have all the confidence in the world in his ability, in his decisiveness and his leadership skills, in his understanding of the economy, in his understanding of what’s missing right now in the economy – you know, pieces that are missing to get this jumpstarted,” she continued. “So for me I think it would just be the emotional part of it.”

You see? After he finds his Missing Piece, Mitt will get the economy fixed on Day One, and everything will be ready to go! (He also intends to turn to the Giving Tree* for advice on forest management. Comfortable stumps for all Old People to sit on! Who needs Medicare?)

First Ladies have traditionally taken on projects for improving America. Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse, Laura Bush worked for childhood literacy, Michelle Obama is trying to prevent the conversion of children into huge tubs of lard. It appears that the android’s gal-pal will devote her First Ladyhood to ensuring that Mitt’s precious fee-fees are never hurt, and that the filthy peasants in this country recognize what a precious, precious gift Mitt is giving to us all:

“This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

We seriously hope to help ensure Mr. Romney’s future mental stability. Just as he is willing to sacrifice for us, we are willing to go without his leadership, just to make sure he doesn’t crack up under the strain of trying to govern us.

* Also, may we just briefly mention what a fucked-up, codependent vision of “love” The Giving Tree envisions? If there’s an accomplished art-maker person out there, please email Your Correspondent and we’ll talk about collaborating on a more accurate version, to be titled The Taking Boy (Wonkette Books, 2013).

[CBS News]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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182 comments

      1. Negropolis

        Well, that doesn't change much. I mean, cats would make horrible presidents…well, maybe besides their introvertedness translating into isolationism as far as wars are concerned, which is something we could use a bit more of.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Considering how badly Florida and Ohio are going for Mittens (even with the Voter Fraud Fraud) you should be fine. Take one Obama 2nd term and call him in the morning.

  1. PuckStopsHere

    Do you mean to suggest that it is possible that this guy could get worse mentally? Oh, My. God.

  2. mille derps

    “So for me I think it would just be the emotional part of it.”

    Willard has emotions? I thought he just had neo-emoticons…

  3. actor212

    her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.”

    I totally agree with her, curiously.

    If I wake up Nov 7 and Mitt is elected, I worry about my mental stability.

  4. actor212

    her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.”

    I totally agree with her, curiously.

    If I wake up Nov 7 and Mitt is elected, I worry about my mental well-being.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Ann's need to describe her sacrifices as so very important gets completely up my ass. She's somehow donating her time to the less fortunate, by walking swiftly past that homeless guy, eyes averted, clutching her handbag trying to figure out how she came to be in such a shitty neighborhood.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "by walking swiftly past that homeless guy,"

      I can't imagine her actually being a pedestrian in any place that's even within a half-mile radius of a homeless person.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        ♫ I don't want to work
        I want to ride on the horse all day
        I don't want to play
        I just want to look down my nose all day ♪

    2. Steverino247

      She came to be in a shitty neighborhood because her husband and others like him looted the economy, leaving only the shit behind. Without capital in the hands of the middle class, nothing gets done, especially home maintenance.

    3. HELisforHEL

      This has to be the best description yet of her body language.
      I want to hit her across the head with a shovel votes.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    So it's true. Robots do cry.

    Seriously, if Mittens is such a fucking delicate flower then maybe he shouldn't be running for the toughest job in the world or acting like a fucking back seat know it all driver (like he has been in the four years since he lost to crankypants Walnuts.)

  7. SmutBoffin

    I don't think Mitten's brain will last until November, even. It will only be a few weeks now until Paul Ryan has to put him down with an arrow to his robot CPU.

  8. SmutBoffin

    I don't think Mitten's brain will last until November, even. It will only be a few weeks now until Paul Ryan has to put him down with an arrow to his robot CPU to stop the inevitable rampage.

    1. sewollef

      He's a machine, an arrow won't do it. We'll have to melt his metal carcass in a 4,000 degree Celsius pit. Damn it man, haven't you seen Terminator?

  9. GhostBuggy

    No one wants to see the President of 53 Percent of the United States reduced to a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk, after all.

    Dr. Smith libel!

  10. Mumbletypeg

    Aw Dok — give The Giving Tree a break! I love that story.. It's Missing Piece that fucked up many a relationship to my thinking — as if there's *one* person with just the right shape to "fit" with another to make both's troubles melt away. Pfft — but it was a seductively appealing idea at the time.. as with Richard Bach's soul-matey treatise Bridge Across Forever [And Into Divorce, once the best seller euphoria wore off]

    ETA: nevermind that the Missing Piece tale ends about the way it starts. I was a selective reader at the time.

  11. Indiepalin

    Unlike Michelle Obama, Ann Romney's mission as FLOTUS will be to lasso private funding in order to tattoo the American Flag on the forehead of every preschooler.

  12. Callyson

    “This is hard…"

    She does keep going on about how hard it is, doesn't she? Must be an unusual experience for her…

      1. Negropolis

        If that's the case Monica should have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Better late than never, I guess, right?

  13. randcoolcatdaddy

    Ann, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there's few treatment options for a psychopath.

  14. mille derps

    She IS doing them a favor by getting out of their neighborhoods as quickly as possible. And they immediately become less shitty as soon as she's gone…

  15. SorosBot

    " how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country."

    Gah, so she basically thinks we all should be bowing down and thanking Mitt for running for President, and of course he just deserves to have the Presidency handed to him without having to work for it like everything else in his life. What a horrid entitled woman.

    1. starfanglednut

      That is exactly what she thinks. whereas my opinion is that Mittens has a hell of a nerve running for president based on the claim that he can fix the economy, when it's fat cat sleazeball motherfuckers like him who tanked it in the first place.

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I don’t think she needs to worry about Mitt’s mental health. He would need to be a sentient being first.

  17. SoBeach

    …to be titled The Taking Boy…

    My youngest said exactly the same thing over the weekend. Swear to God. He wants to write a parody of The Giving Tree called The Taking Boy.

    Of course, it wouldn't be about Romney or politics or anything like that because he's just a kid. A very, very snarky kid, but just a kid.

    Weird weird weird. I'm going to go have a lie down.

      1. SoBeach

        Ha! Can't wait to show this to the kid. The sooner his dreams of being a writer are crushed the better.

  18. Cleopatriot

    I'm just happy to find out I'm not the only one who finds The Giving Tree to be seriously whack.

    1. kittensdontlie

      But as the boy grew older he began to want more from the tree, and the tree gave and gave.

      From that little excerpt alone, I'm having a whack attack..

  19. FakaktaSouth

    I do feel that Apple is apologizing particularly to me, me and my lost ass, driving through the Industrial Hinterlands of Georgia. Thank god for late planes.

  20. kyeshinka

    Can't wait until this is over and Mitty and his darling wife can ride their non-Olympic-medal-winning horsey off a 500 foot cliff and go and live with their Indian Jesus.

    1. vtxmcrider

      Rafalca should just stop suddenly and throw them over the edge of the cliff. It saves the life of the innocent horse and the horse exacts revenge for having been forced by those greedy vultures to dance its life away instead of just being a horse.

      1. kyeshinka

        I like that idea. After he foists them over, the camera shows a grinning and neighing horse, kind of like in those cheesy Pixar/Disney flicks.

  21. mrblifil

    Perhaps she might want to pause and consider that his years-long search for the Presidency might well be evidence of a massive emotional breakdown currently underway?

    1. SorosBot

      So what if he's running for President to deal with his daddy issues; I mean it's not like we recently got over eight years with a President who ran for the office for the exact same reason and he turned out to be a monumental disaster or anything.

  22. RevJuanMessycan

    It's okay, little Eggy, Mitt also worries about your big mouth if he gets elected.
    In other news, thank you for linking to Powell's Bookstore, my home away from home. (Who am I kidding, it's my only home, unless you count the Cardboard Condo's on Burnside.)

  23. sbj1964

    Ann's biggest concern is that the White House dose not even have a car elevator,or a horse stable,and it's in a bad neighborhood.

  24. CommieDad

    4 years ago Barack was 47, young, healthy, and vibrant. Now he makes John Mcain look young. So, of course she is worried about her mittens.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    "it is time for all Americans to realize… how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

    Thanks for pointing this out.

    *Animal House sneeze* Blowjob! Eat me!

  26. FakaktaSouth

    Really smart fat homeless people camp out in front of places where ladies who lunch do their thing. I have seen this with my own eyes. It's a smart plan if one is not afraid of the stilettos of bustling herds. Seriously, women who eat in large groups can be massive, like buffalo.

    1. zumpie

      Hey, Mittens might like to employ some of those homeless people on his campaign! They're clearly better at strategizing than his current collection of clowns.

  27. YouBetcha

    No, Ann. There is absolutely nothing whatsover you could say or do that would result in the rest of us mustering up even an ounce of sympathy for you or your husband's privileged, pampered, rarefied asses. Don't even bother trying anymore, it's a waste of breath.

  28. actor212

    First Ladies have traditionally taken on projects for improving America. Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse, Laura Bush worked for childhood literacy, Michelle Obama is trying to prevent the conversion of children into huge tubs of lard.

    Hillary munched laid carpet.

  29. Estproph

    In all seriousness, she just gave us the best reason to never vote for Romney, didn't she? What if he gets elected and begins to believe he's Napoleon?

  30. decentcitizen

    If he becomes President? Why wait to worry then? His problems obviously date back to Cranbrook.

  31. magic_titty

    So Mitt Romney is a composite of the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion; brainless, heartless, spineless?

    Who gets to be Dorothy? Still Lindsey Graham?

  32. chicken_thief

    I four won wood jes like to thnks to Lora Boosh. Shee chainged my life four so mush better now thankz Lora!

  33. barto

    Yes, Ann, I ran over a piece of the missing economy just this morning – it's called a POTHOLE. Why is it missing? Because asshats like your husband refuse to fund the economy to fill the goddam things.

  34. Nesnora

    She should be worried— FLOTUS will be having champagne-laced sweaty celebratory sex on election night more emotional than all the sex in her lifetime and she'll have…

  35. Goonemeritus

    From my personal experience I can assure you CEO’s as a group are incapable of dealing with criticism. The good one can handle being given a different point of view but they are all used to having the power to remove anyone with strongly held conflicting views.

    1. HELisforHEL

      Exactly (and yes to the Rev's comment, too). Why do people keep insisting that we 'need' a CEO in office when most CEOs are douchebags of the highest order who surround themselves with sychophants that would put Smithers to shame?

      Corporate environments are horrid, soulless places where creative thought and inspiration are regularly left to die on the vine and groupthink is hailed and expected…oh wait, that sounds like a Mormon paradise.

      1. bikerlaureate

        The problem with W, apparently, is that he never was a CEO.
        (Chairman of Spectrum 7, member of the board of directors of HKN, and then "managing general partner" of the Rangers.)

        I had intended to make a joke about CEO skills and the presidency, but now I just want to reformat my PC and get all traces of W's Wikipedia entry scrubbed clean…

  36. DustBowlBlues

    Help! My computer just gives me the weird cartoon thingies instead of avatars and I need to comment on this anonymously. Is anyone else having wonkette problems, or did ATT make a deal with the devil who poses as Jeebus in the Bible Belt and now scrambles the wonket so we can’t read it here in the no-information-voter zone.

  37. zippy_w_pinhead

    She's just worried someone will utter the words "Cirrus, Socrates, particle, decibel, hurricane, dolphin, tulip" and he'll wander into the forest to try to discover his humanity…

  38. HELisforHEL

    Thank you for the Wizard of Oz reference.
    Mittbot apparently didn't return with the broom, so alas, no heart.

  39. DemmeFatale

    The Giving Tree was gifted to my girls by the staunchest Republicans we know. Coincidence? Hmmm…

    That stupid tree is a martyr for that ingrate boy, and was a lousy role model for my girls.
    (I ain't raising no doormats!)

  40. LibrarianX

    Having seen spastic Mitt twitch and flail wildly for the past several months, I've been concerned about Mitt's mental well-being too, but then, I don't live with him. What else can you tell us, Ann?

  41. Yellerdawg

    "The Taking Boy" and other children's stories by Ayn Rand.

    "And the tree died after giving the boy everything it could. "Stupid tree, what a sucker.", said the boy as he put up his chainsaw.

  42. zumpie

    Doktor, Derpy is on a popular show and is kind—it's a bit mean to compare her to something as stupid as a member of the Romney family or campaign.

    1. Jennyjen798

      I was just thinking that. Derpy actually has a following for her kind derpy ways. Egg, well that's another story.

  43. Slim_Pickins

    Well that convinced me! Mitt now has my vote in all 49 states where I am not registered to vote.

  44. writemeblue

    you are dead on about the Giving Tree. someone gave it to me when I had kids, and I gave it away – it was ick.

  45. dawgeral

    Whoo-boy!!! I hear-tell he's boned-up on sum "zingers", too. I jes hope his zanger don't go off in the limo headin' up dar…ar we'll be plum outta lukk…fer shur. Ahm prayin' on't jes az hard az I kin!

  46. glamourdammerung

    I am worried about Bishop Romney's brain now.

    Not as worried as I am about the health of any pets he might have, but still, pretty worried.

  47. Doktor Zoom

    Sigh… "Thank you for your submission, but his was the 14th Giving Tree parody we've received this week. We wish you the best of luck in the future."

Comments are closed.