He did whaaat?Bad news, Illinois Republican Rep. John Shimkus. One of your staffers had kind of a bad weekend.

Even worse news: Lindsay Lohan is involved.

The GOP’s interaction with Lohan had been thus far limited to exempting her from the War on Drugs and in getting uncomfortable when Mitt Romney laughs at the wrong parts of Mean Girls, but now there is another problem, in that one of Shimkus’ aides is accused of taking pictures of Lohan, then choking her in a stairwell, which is probably illegal, but because Lindsay Lohan is part of the debacle the police are all like “Naw… you guys are just going to have to figure this one out without us.”

According to the NY Daily News, 25-year-old staffer Christian LaBella was somehow, for some reason, nobody remembers, partying with Lohan. They went back to her hotel (with OTHER PEOPLE, don’t be crass) around 4 a.m. Sunday morning, and eventually Lohan came to believe LaBella had been taking pictures of her and emailing them to friends all night, a conclusion Lohan reacted to by stealing LaBella’s phone and leading him on a yakety-sax chase around the hotel:

LaBella demanded she return the phone, but Lohan balked — and told cops he threw her down on the bed and scratched her. At one point, the troubled actress locked herself in a bathroom. She finally ran out of the 15th-floor suite — where rooms top $500 a night — and scurried down several flights of stairs, with [friend Claus] Hjelmbak in tow.

When the “Freaky Friday” star and her hunky pal began walking back up the stairs, they again encountered LaBella, sources said.

She claimed that he choked her from behind and threw her to the floor before Hjelmbak yanked him away, cops said. Lohan pulled the fire alarm for help as he fled, police said.

Cops who responded spoke to Lohan and began looking for LaBella, who was trapped in the stairwell because the alarm had disabled the elevators.

(Cue sad trombone.)

Lohan refused medical treatment, and assault charges against LaBella were dropped, but of course they have both filed harassment charges against each other in a classic case of who can have the stupider reaction to a stupid reaction to a stupid reaction to the stupid action of taking pictures of people.

Speaking of stupids, you may remember noted stupid Rep. Shimkus, LaBella’s boss, from the brief celebrity he enjoyed after arguing against capping carbon dioxide emissions because it is “plant food.” Oh, and he was also kind of the chairman of the Mark Foley page scandal coverup. Lohan is apparently harder to suppress than teenage pages.

Oh, and here’s a photo of LaBella with Paul Ryan, just because. [Daily News]

Tax cuts for Lohans!

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  • Well, I mean, if I was that little dweeb and Lindsay Lohan was anywhere within spitting distance of my camera, I'd be shooting one-handed all night.

    • ShreditorsDesk

      You beat me to it.

      • BornInATrailer

        What you did there, I see it.

        • Good, because I need glasses already.

    • rickmaci

      Money shot comment.

    • chicken_thief

      Oh come on!!!!

  • superdave

    I have not choked Lindsay Lohan. Oh the other hand, I have choked something out to Lindsay Lohan.

    • That's the part I couldn't figure out from the news this morning, because I'm thinking: "you're with Lindsay Lohan and the best you can do is whip out your camera?"

      I did not realize he was a) Republican and b) they were not alone.

    • eggsacklywright

      The chicken?

    • BerkeleyBear

      As the father of a young girl with bad tendencies, I'd probably just start weeping uncontrollably at the thought of my future.

  • prommie

    Bennie Hill Libel!

    • What? She was probably wearing a merry widow and heels!

  • SoBeach

    This is exactly what I've always imagined a night of partying with Lindsay Lohan would be like.

    • rickmaci

      His friends were tweeting back to him "Pix of it didn't happen" so of course he had to take snaps.

      • Preferred Customer

        Which, honestly? If you are Lindsay Lohan and the worst thing that happens to you is some dweeb takes pictures of you and tweets them to his friends, you have just had perhaps your best night in months.

        • Depends on what those pictures show, dontcha think?

          • Preferred Customer

            I think if it's anything short of murder, letting the guy take the pictures is better than getting involved in some sort of he said/she said thing involving assault. Besides, if he'd already sent them out, the damage is kind of done.

            Then again, clear-headed, rational decisionmaking doesn't happen at 4 am, and probably never happens in Lohan's brain.

          • teebob2000

            I'm thinking she was intermittently passed out, legs up in the air like a cartoon roadkill armadillo, and he was snapping upskirt. Which, y'know, *yawn* but if you're a right-wing dork congressional aide has to be your best night ever.

          • I'm thinking there was coke involved, which undoubtedly would be a violation of her endless probation.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            LiLo has so many reasons not to do anything, ever, with anybody. Wouldn't want to be her.

    • Somehow, I thought there'd be jello involved.

      • AlterNewt

        This is a TRUE story:

        Not long ago I was in the checkout line behind an attractive woman in her early thirties, I would guess. Her order consisted of the following:

        5 boxes of condoms
        7 boxes of lemon Jello

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Lindsay Lohan" is the new phrase for "chicken?"

    • Keep fuckin that Lohan?

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Always use a slow hand when you are choking your Lohan. I read it in a fortune cookie.

      • Weenus299

        Oh God. Don't unleash the Conway Twitteh!

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      Q) Why did the Lohan cross the road?

      A) to get back the drunken pix on the other side

  • kittensdontlie

    Whenever LL makes news, I start gagging too. So far, I haven't sued.

  • Radiotherapy

    Oy, vat a pain in my shimkus. Deez shicksas mit da cocaine.

    • rickmaci

      hahahaha. Urine tests all aournd !!!

  • Romney: "He didn't cut her hair off? Bad form."

    • chicken_thief

      Her muff – just the right height.

  • everyone in the Illinois delegation knows Shimkus has the best blow.

  • Rep. John Shimkus (R-Mean Girls).

  • How in the fuck can she afford $500 a night rooms when she is a has-been who hasn't worked in years?!

    • You don't actually think they charged her for the room, do you?

      The great thing about being wealthy and famous, or at least famous, you never have to buy a thing.

      • I'm unfamiliar, I don't chase around starlets in those circles.

        • It's not just starlets, it's anyone. Even Donald Trump gets comped. The idea is that they might talk nicely and give the hotel free advertising.

          Well, that certainly worked in this case. The hotel will see a bump in reservations. They probably ought to put up a plaque on the stairway "Lindsay Lohan choked here"

          • Radiotherapy

            The über-rich are generally the cheapest, most paranoid types as well.

      • PubOption

        According to the gossip columns, Lohan prefers stealing to buying.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I am not convinced she has been in our reality for years.

    • I think she was cast as Elizabeth Taylor in some movie that finished filming earlier in the year. When I browsed to see photos from the scene they were shooting on a boat — another incident of many wherein she had to be hospitalized for exhaustion, whose resulting headlines got my attention (Really? this chick, as Liz Taylor?) — I saw that by some remarkable feat of makeup artistry or other, indeed Lohan's profile, lips, whatnot, bore enough resemblance to a younger Taylor for it to make slightly less bizarre of someone's decision to cast her.

      • eggsacklywright

        I think they were looking for verisimilitude in the tit area.

        • chicken_thief

          I love verisimilitude in the tit area. 'Specially when the verisimilitudee is someone like a young Liz.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, Lohan may be a mess but she's not a gross old lady like Liz Taylor always was.

        • Chichikovovich

          It was even worse when she was younger. In National Velvet she looked like a horse. Though the girl who she carried on her back was exceptionally pretty.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            There will always be a place in the sun for my memories of Liz Taylor in her prime.

    • Um she's worth a shitload of money. Freaky Friday alone probably set her for 34 lifetimes or so, but she had done plenty of high paying work prior.

      I actually admire her spunk. She spotted a weasely college-Repub style douche hanger onner, and proceeded to use her top dog status to humiliate him utterly, in a concentrated demonstration of her social superiority over him. For all the other missteps in her life, this is something I can point to that had showed some independent creative thinking on her part.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Feisty drunk girls are fun to hang out with, up to a point.

        Usually that point comes before 4am.

    • shelwood46

      My reaction to this story was, ":Oh my God, what idiot rented her a hotel room?" She just recently got kicked out of the Chateau Mormont in LA for running up a $45,000 tab and refusing to pay it. This included charging shitloads of extras to her room, like food, services and a pack of cigarettes a day for seven weeks.

  • Lindsay has always depended on the kindness of strangers.

    • prommie

      Ya don't have to actually "work" like be in movies or anything, to be a celebutard, thanks to the pioneering work of Paris Hilton. I am sure can rake in, in a week, more than I do in a year, getting paid just to be at club or a party, just to fucking create publicity.

    • James Michael Curley

      Lindsay has always depended on the kindness of stranglers

  • Esteev

    As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity. The only caveat being "unless Lindsey Lohan is involved, then its bad publicity."

  • I think Lohan-affiliation has maxed out its scandal appeal, its gossip edge.
    When staffers are doing crayzee things on company time? now you got my attention.

  • Partying with a dumbass like Lohan is probably better than partying with Shimkus due to the better drugs and booze. On the other hand, getting arrested and being now tainted with the Super Herp is a downside.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    What does Todd Akin think about this incident ?

    • One_who_wanders

      If it was legitimate choking her body can reject it!

      • YouFail4eva

        Damn, beat me to it.

  • Why am I not surprised he is wearing the ne plus ultra in douche-wear, the blue shirt with white collar?

    • Gawd, I hate it.

    • Nds moar stripes.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Don't forget the bullshit stubble on his face and perfectly fucked up hair – because nothing shouts professional like looking as if you are a hobo that just found a banker's clothes.

    • Preferred Customer

      But is he a Republican? Because, if so, where is the bow tie?

      • Mittens Howell, III

        I've always thought of the bow tie as a Republican cock ring.

        • chicken_thief

          That would be the House, I thought….

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Patrick Bateman would like to compare business cards.

  • Respitetini

    Oh, that poor child. Sorry, I just can't snark about some kid self-destructing in front of an audience of drooling gawkers.

    • Terry

      My thought, as well. Lindsay and her whole family are the human equivalent of a very very slow motion train wreck.

    • Preferred Customer

      So, no more Paul Ryan jokes, either?

      • Respitetini

        Nah, he's a grown-ass man. And his dickishness seems a lot more willful than some kid who's had her ass kicked by addiction since she was a teenager. But point well taken!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if any of those pictures were upskirts. Not that it matters, I guess.

    • That's bringing coals to Newcastle, to be sure

    • PubOption

      Probably shots of Lohan 'powdering her nose'.

    • mrpuma2u

      Hope springs eternal for the fap afficiandos among us.

    • chicken_thief

      Perhaps some hot chick on chick action? (Like there is any other kind unless Ellen is involved.) Isn't she out now, or am I thinking of some other drug addled movie *star*?

      • SorosBot

        Based on her public relationships, it appears Lindsay goes both ways.

      • Negropolis

        She wouldn't care about that. As you alluded to, she was in a relationship with a woman for many years.

        I'm convinced he probably had pictures of her doing drugs, or at least in possession of them.

  • SnarkOff

    As my dearly departed mother would say, "You two deserve each other."

  • Is this just a teaser for the reallz Cocktober surprise. Like when someone announces Rmoney failed his Wassermann Test like three hours before the 2nd debate?

    • And he crammed so hard for it!

    • Chichikovovich

      I'm expecting to hear he failed his Voight-Kampff test any moment now.

      • Everybotty wants to know.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    ♫ Feelin' good, feelin' right, it's Saturday night
    The hotel detective, he was outta sight ♪

    • What's your name, little man, what was your name….

  • kyeshinka

    So the GOP has moved from 12-year-old boy pages to washed-up a 40-year-old one-shot herpes delivery system. And I thought they didn't believe in evolution.

    • One_who_wanders

      She is (googles) 26, she just looks forty.

      • kyeshinka

        On some level I guess I knew that.

      • Esteev

        Hollywood takes a lot out of you. Also, drugs.

  • memzilla

    An anagram of "Christian Labella" is Chill A Stern Labia.

    One should never mess with stern labia.

    • Or she'll give you some lip?

      • eggsacklywright

        Or that new super-gonorrhea that's currently making the rounds.

    • Weenus299

      Howard Stern's Labia?

    • chicken_thief

      What about port labia?

  • sewollef

    LaBella is a douche and Lohan is a chain-smoking, douche in an alcoholic haze… so it seems to me they should get married and then have their spats in private where he can slap her around to his hearts' content*.

    *I don't condone slapping anyone around, 'cos I know it hurts. But it's what I've come to expect from fucking assholes like GOPers and actor drunks like Lohan.

    I can't fap to this… or her. She's one big, big turn-off.

    • As opposed to a really fappable Irish actress like Maureen O'Hara?

      • sewollef

        Or, or…. Audrey Tautou for that quirky gorgeous look. I wouldn't mind a dalliance with Sophie Marceau either come to think of it.

        • Mentioned O'Hara, 'cause she shows up in the final book in Roddy Doyle's "Last Roundup" trilogy.

    • speaking as an actor drunk, i would take offense except for the fact that la lohan has squandered both talent and (much rarer and more precious) hollywood luck.

      that's hard to forgive.

  • Pragmatist2

    Only good thing House Republicans have done in years.

  • Terry

    "Lohan came to believe LaBella had been taking pictures of her and emailing them to friends all night"

    I'm sure she is absolutely correct in this belief.

  • Baconzgood

    I suspect that Lindsay has a drug and/or alcohol problem.

    • docterry6973

      Now, let's not be hasty. She might just be hanging around with the wrong crowd.

      • Preferred Customer

        GOP staffers?

    • Esteev

      I'm beginning to worry about her well-being.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        She has to have a "being" first, right?

        • Esteev

          I suppose she was never "well".

  • StealthMuslin

    Is choking Lindsay Lohan part of the War on Women or just something one does on general principle?

  • magic_titty

    'Choking Lindsay Lohan from behind and throwing her to the floor' is a definition on Urban Dictionary.

    • Oh yes! The "La Bella Lock"!

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      "The Freaky Friday"

    • Chichikovovich

      "The Parent Trap"

  • This is good news for Britney Spears.

    • rickmaci

      and Kate Middleton.

  • LibrarianX

    It's funny because it's sad.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That's what I hate about travel: I always get stuck in a hotel room next to people like this.

  • LibertyLover

    That's a FINE looking young man right there. Why does that skank Lohan wish to sully this up and coming new Republican's name?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Well, this is refreshing! I usually get my Lindsay Lohan updates from Huffington Post's Side Boob section.

  • Goonemeritus

    I will never understand why people with fuck-you money fail to avail themselves with some of the excellent services offered to their class. In Lindsay Lohan’s case I would highly recommend both a staff chauffeur and a bodyguard/knee-breaker.

    • chicken_thief

      Tonya Harding still alive?!

      • Negropolis

        Technically, but she's dead inside.

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, it's ridiculous when rich people get DUIs when they can easily afford a cab or a driver.

      • valgal2342

        But but but….it's so fun to drive max speed in NYC in a Porsche! You look so good in one and it would never ever get scratched or dented! All that free parking right in front of every building you want to enter also, too.

  • rickmaci

    Oh dear god, please let it be that he was misusing his government issued cell phone for this shit. Ex-staffer Labella. LMAO.

    • I'm thinking he's gone anyway, just on principle. It's only a month to election.

      BTW, LaBella is nephew to E! TV "comedienne" Heather MacDonald.

  • Well after all Paul Ryan has never denied raping LIndsay Lohan.

    • chicken_thief

      But he does turn awfully red when asked about Christian LaBella.

  • PsycWench

    This is the best chase scene Miss Lohan could muster up?

  • Preferred Customer

    I do not believe this is an actual Lindsay Lohan story, because it does not involve wrecking a Porsche.

  • BZ1

    Was he using an Obama phone? Now that would seal the deal.

  • An_Outhouse

    Lindsay is a liar. 4 a.m. on Sunday morning? He must have been getting ready for church.

  • el_donaldo

    Lohan reacted to by stealing LaBella’s phone and leading him on a yakety-sax chase around the hotel …

    If only Benny Hill were still alive. He's the only one that'd be able to revive Lindsay's career. Oh well. Moving on.

  • docterry6973

    Joe Average there was hanging with Lindsay Lohan? I need to get a job in a Congressman's office.

    • One_who_wanders

      Joe (below) Average. . .

    • Generally the only such jobs available are of the "blow" variety.

  • Esteev

    Needs moar hit-and-run.

  • teebob2000

    Gosh, I wish I got hang around with celebrities. Sounds like fun.

  • MistaEko

    Just shows how low the GOP and Lohan have fallen.

    I mean on one hand, you've got a disgusting shell of their former self living entirely in a world made up in their head who makes news only by hitting a new rock bottom every week.

    And then Linsday…

  • poorgradstudent

    I've always criticized this generation of celebrities as constantly failing to achieve scandals on the level of Liz Taylor and Frank Sinatra, but, hey, maybe there's room for potential here.

  • Guppy

    LaBella… was trapped in the stairwell because the alarm had disabled the elevators.

    I don't even…

    The gin is strong in this one!

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Lohan made me choke *myself* when she appeared topless on Machetti…

    • FNMA

      She was awesome in that. Nobody does naked and passed out better than Lohan.

  • SorosBot

    Remember when Lohan used to be attractive, before she got all drug addicted and anorexic and lost her curves?

    • DahBoner

      She's only not hot to Straight Edgers…

      • Negropolis

        Please. She's still attractive, but between the drug use and smoking and plastic surgery that have aged this girl many, many years above her 26, she's ain't "hot" anymore.

  • ElPinche

    Cocktober has arrived. It has a better ring than Pricktober.

  • oenspiek

    It seems a good bet that that was an official phone, and that it's now full of candid commando upskirts. How proud that will make LaBella's mother, if he has one.

  • SorosBot

    To be fair, Mean Girls was great, although maybe all the credit for that should go to Tina Fey.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Tina Fey = mmmmmmmmmm

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    I was much more interested in this story when I misread the headline as "Everyone in Congress choking Lindsey Graham

  • decentcitizen

    This barely ranks as the most embarrassing thing to happen to happen to either of them. Lindsey didn't knock down anyone with her car, and he works for Shimkus.

  • Slim_Pickins

    If a Shimkus aide did do this it was God's will. As far as Shimkus is concerned everything is God's will.

  • decentcitizen

    If I were Lindsey, I'd stick to stealing necklaces.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    This doesn't have any relevance to politics unless it involves Kim Kardashian.

  • having ensured a victory for the democrats, the republican party is now making a lohan comeback its next priority.

  • owhatever

    To get her to drop the case, Mitt Romney agreed to add Lindsay Lohan to his stable of wives, and give her the stall right next to Rafalca, who had a similar drug and alcohol problem.

  • thefrontpage

    I have choked Lindsay Lohan several times, but, that, as they say, is another story.

  • thefrontpage

    This Lindsay Lohan creature needs to be locked up in either a jail-type of facility, or another type of facility–once known coldly as "insane asylums"–with comfortably padded rooms, lots of free medication, comfort foods, comfortable shoes and lots of graduate-school psychology students who can subsequently write piles of term papers and master thesises on Lohan.

  • lulzmonger

    Is this a pathetic case of optics failure?

    Or is it really brilliant viral marketing theatre for the GOP's looming stealth-ticket ……..

    *** NUGENT/LOHAN 2016: ***
    *** SMELL THE GLOVE ***


  • Stevola

    Lindsay Lohan is still an actress?

  • "Hey! You got your Hollywood gossip in my politics!"
    "*Gasp*! You got your politics in my Hollywood gossip!"

    Isn't there some journalism rule about serving Hollywood gossip and politics on the same plate?

  • ttommyunger

    Alt Headline: "TWERP EMPLOYED BY TWAT CHOKES CUNT IN STAIRWELL." I know, I think about pussy all the time…I can't help it.

  • rmjagg

    I got this all wrong at first – I could have sworn that it was about Lindsay Graham , which made it more entertaining …

  • Negropolis

    It takes a whole helluva lot to find me having sympathy for a Lohan (all of them, Katie), but this just about does it. Wasn't she just in trouble the previous week? I've been saying this for some time, but she is definitely someone that is going to end up dead or killing someone if she continues this route and VERY soon because she's been doing this for years, now. It's only a matter of time.

    BTW, from what I heard of this the other day, she the dude is a friend of a friend. Lohan had invited the friend (along with other friends) back to the room, but the friend didn't show up and this dude showed up uninvited in the friend's place, which is awfully creepy. Not to mention we find out that the guy is celebrity obsessed.

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